When Mothers Cry After Childbirth

Mom is never the same after the first childbirth, the next, and each delivery afterward.  For some partners, relatives and friends, they just don't seem to understand no matter how much a mother yells, "Please will you just leave me alone!  Let me think...Give me some space...If you are going to help me, then do it without your comments, thank you!"   Some things happen inside the mother's mind, body and spirit and whatever those "things" are (since they vary with different moms), someone around her is affected whether negatively or positively.  Childbirth could have sent an already crazed mind over the edge while another mother might feel more in love with life than ever before, one never knows after childbirth what a loved one might turn out to be. 

The mother, who becomes better with time, is not the one with a cry that screams, "Please help, I don't think I can go on...being a mommy is too much!  What did I do, what did I do!?"   It is the mother, who has been traumatized while bringing babies into the world to the point that the core of who she is or was--while feeling at a lost, that her mind doesn't seem to sync back together again.

"Before children, who was I?  What did I like?  Where did I like to go?  What plans did I make for my future?" the troubled mind thinks.  "Can I honestly care for my baby/child?"  Something has snapped and the blind is trying to lead the blind out of darkness.  Those with sight should open eyes real wide and see the picture that the poor mom paints.  What does her world look like now that she is a mom?  Is she the same person?  Does she need help?

So much focus is placed on the cute, little baby with the bright eyes that no one sees the woman who is holding her offspring with the unhappy tear trickling down from her left eye.  They haven't a clue what to say or do when something appears strange with the new mom.  Some will pretend as if there is no cry at all.  "She looks alright to me.  I don't want to read into anything," the witness reasons.  Others dismiss her as "crazy." 

Mom might be shaking when she holds her baby, talking a mile a minute or staring off into space as if you aren't there.  Talking strangely, forgetful, tearful, depressed, or wild with anger, whatever the cause for her emotions, how is mom coping with her new life?  Is she in control, focused, optimistic, and content with having man, baby and/or children around?  If not, the witness is responsible for helping the mother come to her senses before it's too late.  Think of the many women who broke up with fathers or divorced after childbirth while confused mates and relatives just argued with them as things ran their course--mom has her share of the blues and no one can stand to deal with her.

Childbirth happens so frequently that most people don't think much about it.  No one dare thinks that the mom in their lives might one day lose it.  They believe a week of sadness after childbirth and mom will be okay, back to her old self, but "old self" is no more as Terrible Twos rear their ugly season, then more toddler tantrums, followed by school-aged stupid stuff, and weird teen years.  How could she return to a person that had one less child?  The truth is that the impact that bringing life into an unpredictable world is something that no one just "gets over" especially if it has happened over and over and over again! 

The scars of carrying a baby are permanent whether internally, externally or both.  There is no reversing a mind that has been pushed into an unknown world of anguish.  Sooner or later something will trigger a childbirth memory good, bad or otherwise.  Mom's mind might trail off, but for a moment, then upon its return she may have to face a harsh reality with an unsupportive network around her.  Now if her current condition is one that makes her feel good inside, she has nothing to fear about "losing it," but if her current lifestyle is filled with discontentment, then she may have more struggles besides coping with her motherhood role like, feelings of insecurity, jealousy, rage, and anxiety.

This is why many find a faith and keep it--there is no letting go of a Spirit that has brought one comfort beyond what man or woman can reason or provide.  The mind, body and spirit has to have a resting place from a world that likes to go, go, go!  From a good night rest to quality food, mom may find her refuge in those things in addition to a walk to a local church, a gym, or somewhere else where she doesn't feel overwhelmed with responsibilities.  Whatever mommy's issue before, during or after children, something within a disturbed mind may not be able to bear life's burdens.  Therefore, critical individuals and naysayers must be careful talking negatively about a mom's faith, how she parents, cooks and cleans (particularly when she has a baby or children that she is caring for), if not, she just might turn around and bite.

Mom, check in with yourself, with those around you, and work hard each day to have a better day than the one you had before!  God bless.

Nicholl McGuire

When Mothers Cry for Peace, Patience and Wisdom

In continuation of my thoughts on mothers being heard, I just wanted to share today about the need for moms to ask their heavenly Creator for peace, not only in their homes, but all around them and beyond!  So much arguing, fussing, and fighting occur on a daily basis with so many unhappy people!  Many are miserable because of things they did or didn't do, the anger, guilt and depression continue to live on.  Rather than muster up the energy to find a solution to problems, people fight!  So let there be peace in the land, my friends!

The next point I would like to mention is mothers do cry out for patience!  Oh, we can be so overwhelmed at times with our families, projects, and other things that we become short on patience.  A little offense can be all out war on the offender.  A frequent crying child can make anyone run out the house.  Let us breathe, take refuge, find solace in chaos, and above everything else, pray.  Let go of all the obligation but for a moment and let God fill you with the energy to go on.

Lastly, I must add more and more mothers are walking this parenting journey without a wise support system.  The kind that isn't judgmental, crass, and crazy.  Religious zealots can have some moms jumping through hoops.  Controlling relatives can make some moms feel like they are losing their minds with all their Dos and Don'ts.  Then there are others who just have one idea, statement, or criticism that makes moms feel low.  Ask your God to bless you with the kind of network that sincerely means you well--no closet haters, jealous so-called friends, mean-spirited relatives who cover twisted emotions with a smile, just good ole' fashioned honest to God wise citizens. 

Are these things really too much to ask?

Stay blessed my friend.

Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry

When Mothers Cry about Societal, Political, Marital, and Radical Injustices

You have the power, but naysayers will make you think you are powerless!  "They" say that you need to busy yourself with things like:  a career, not only help your child with homework but place him or her in a number of activities too, take care of your partner, cook, clean the house, run errands, and do other things that most moms do.  If you should do well with all tasks assigned to you, then you are deemed "a good mom" by those that know you and those that don't.   But what "they" don't want is for you to start thinking beyond the scope of your motherhood role.  You know, ponder on things like:  societal ills, political corruption/manipulation, protecting one's household from marital temptations, and supporting radical ideologies that could make this world a better place!  "Now Mother, you shouldn't worry over such things.  Why bother to talk about that...isn't there something else you could be doing?"  The eye rolls, deep sighs, turn of the neck, a dropped down head, or one's feet walking away while talking, all clear indications that communicate even nowadays, "Shut up, this is still a man's world!"  But is it? 

Who are "they" you might ask?  Anyone who prevents you from looking beyond the veil, seeking truth for yourself!  If only you knew your power, consider the following.  A cheating spouse isn't going to want to answer to a woman's instinct.  He often worries about what a scorned woman might do.   A lying child is not going to want to face mother's wit with yet another lie.  A government establishment doesn't want to see your tears or hear your cries.  Corporate and civic groups, who are more concerned about protecting their finances, don't want to hear from the mother's group unless they have something good to say or have an idea to share that will further swell their bank accounts.

Some mothers, like slaves, have been stripped over the years of things like: courage, confidence, love, patience, faith, and most of all honesty!  They have paired up with selfish individuals and created greedy babies only to be later left alone by uncaring family.  When truth is spoken by these same mothers, they don't win friends and most brainwashed individuals don't bother to join any bandwagons promoting things like, integrity and accountability. 

There is something very wrong in one's home, church, and workplace when a mother points out to her family, "That is wrong, you know that isn't right, you aren't being truthful, what we should do is..." yet witnesses fight her on making wrongs right.  A wise mom offers her insightful observation on a situation coupled with some life experience and dare she mention, "My God" and folks, who claim to love her, lose it.  "Here we go again...her Jesus!"  From the silent treatment to curse words, mothers on a mission endure a wrath from family, friends, even strangers who don't want to be awaken to any truth even if it means a Heavenly Creator wants to save their souls!

For those who are open to all things righteous and true, they encourage a weary mother to keep fighting the good fight.  Some will join her on her truth crusade and help finance her movement.  She doesn't want to be left alone, simply raising children, without a voice or free time to pursue truth.  Further, she doesn't want to be so busy that she can't see the devil lurking around the corner either!

A stable-minded mother will analyze all people, even a spouse and all that comes with him, because she knows her responsibility is to, not only protect her children, but help elevate humanity--demand righteousness and dwell in peace!  So if you should witness a God-fearing mom standing on her soap box on some days screaming aloud, "Listen to me!" Don't blame it on her "time," but  know that the Spirit within her has good reason!

Nicholl McGuire

Expectant Moms - Read When Mothers Cry

You may not have time to read a book entitled, When Mothers Cry when the baby gets here, but I can assure you that if you aren't adjusting well with the idea that one day you are going to be a mom, may I suggest the book.

I am, Nicholl McGuire, self-published author of When Mothers Cry, it wasn't long after learning that I was pregnant that I would experience feelings of sadness, guilt and worry about what the future held regarding my relationship with the father.  I wasn't sure about my new role and I definitely hadn't prepared myself.  There were moms around me that weren't happy moms and I learned the hard way why.  Unsure about the men they dated or married, they had much advice, and I didn't take heed.  From strangers on the street to people I knew, someone was telling me in so many words, "God didn't make any mistakes with your pregnancy, but you could have...you should have...but the baby will soon be here, so you might as well make up in your mind what you are going to do."  These unhappy moms knew what it felt like to have your life disrupted due to an unwanted, unplanned pregnancy.

I played with the thought of raising my first child on my own.  I wasn't convinced that the father would be a good one since he had a player mentality (more interested in dating many women rather than exclusively dating), but after much talk, and one day asking him for reassurance that he would not leave after the birth of our son, I began to adjust my thinking (more on that in the book).  However, I knew deep, down inside it was a temporary arrangement.  After the baby was born, I had my work cut out for me.  Eventually, the "We are such a happy family" show would come to an end.  Once again, I realized that the unhappy moms were only trying to prepare me for what was ahead.   Years of my encouraging the father and personal planning is why to date, I have no regrets.

Being an expectant mom you hope for the best and you should remain that way, but you will have to be flexible--realize that you will need more than hope when trials come!  Know that the storm is going to come, baby will take up much of your time, workplace won't feel the same, family and friend connections may unravel especially if post-partum shows its ugly face, sex with a partner may get better or decline...the more you know, the more prepared you are.

So do take the time to read When Mothers Cry and feel at peace knowing that there are others who are trying to figure out their motherhood roles too!  If you know a new dad, get the book for him, hopefully he will be more understanding about what his wife/girlfriend is going through being an expectant mom.

Nicholl McGuire

If It's All About the Children - Say So Long to Your Marriage!

"We have Jimmy's practice, then Mary has a birthday party she is attending.  I have to help with homework...I am saving for my kids' education...my  husband will be taking the children to the amusement park...They are doing so well in school!"  Does this sound close to your conversation with others about your children?

So the children's high-priced activities and sporting equipment is eating away at one's savings; meanwhile a wife has no time to date her partner.  The home is in need of repair, yet it's more important to send a child off to college who doesn't even know what she wants to be when she gets older.  The couple argues about the children, help the children, do for the children, and then what?  There is still no time to do anything for one another--not even a compliment.

The more you want for your children, the more you take from your marriage.  Don't believe me?  Ask the many couples who are headed for divorce because secretly or quite openly they not only got tired of their partner, but grew weary of a relationship centered around their children!  "The children need this...don't forget the children want...I don't have time because the children...the children don't need to go to bed right now...the children can play with that...the children don't have to eat that..."  It's always about the children, right?  Little people who will grow up to become young adults who will work very hard to get away from loving, caring, attentive parents.  Then what?  It's just you and He.

Whether he loves or even worships the ground the children walk on or you, someone will have to face the reality that a marriage that is centered around children won't be blissful.  Oh sure, it just might beat the odds 10 to 20 plus years of marriage, but along the way things happen--lots of things and they aren't all good.  Ponder the following conversation for the moment. 

Husband says, "So you love the kids, honey?"
"Of course, I do." Wife responds.
"Do you love me too?"
"You know I do..."
"Well, I love you all.  However, we need to make some changes around here.  I can't remember the last time we had sex.  The children should go to bed earlier."
Wife nods her head in agreement.

This was the first of many signs in this imagined scenario.  The husband didn't mention anything more about their sexless relationship, because his eyes were distracted elsewhere.

There are so many other marital factors and other conversation that could go along with this example, but the main point is to awaken some of these moms who don't check in with their husbands as well as husbands who don't check in with their wives. 

Whether a husband or wife is madly in love with the children or not, the point is that someone reading this will be divorced by this time next year, because he or she thought that a child-centered marriage is okay.  You can pray together all you want, but in the end, if you or your partner deep within aren't happy, sooner or later someone is going to start thinking about leaving.

Listen to what your partner says.  Find ways to make time for one another.  Re-evaluate your own emotions toward partner, marriage and children.  Ask yourself, "Am I spending way too much time appeasing the children while expecting my partner to go along with everything related to them?"  When things seem to be too much, consider help from other sources.  Sometimes children cry out for attention because they aren't happy especially when they prefer to be with the other parent, desire to be left alone, overwhelmed because they are given too many things, don't enjoy school, etc.  Child- related issues will affect your marriage, so avoid ignoring the elephant in the room--discuss it!  And above everything else, learn to say "No" to children.  Put your past behind and how you were treated as a child.

Nicholl McGuire, blog owner and author of When Mothers Cry

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Re-gaining Who I Am After Being Stay-at-home Mom

So you thought you could just jump right back into work, extracurricular activities, social networking, and everything else in between after being at home with a child or children?  How is everything coming along?  You feeling overwhelmed yet?  Do you find yourself having little patience with some individuals that never seemed to bother you before?  What about your work, is it better or worse since having children?  Do you even like your career as much as you did years ago? 

For some readers, you may not have reached the door yet to go anywhere to get anything done.  Well, good for you.  That's right I said, good for you.  Unlike those who jumped right into everything in a rush to get away from children (yes I said it), you still have time to consider what you want and where you want to go that will make you most content.  You have to return to work for the right reasons like personal fulfillment, not because you just got to get away from your children.

Having children speed up the aging process, and if some don't believe it, just give it some time.  The sudden ache that comes out of no where.  The strange gray hair that decorates your most intimate places pops up.  Your irritable for no apparent reason.  You notice strange wrinkles that weren't here or there before.  Now what was it again that you went into that room to get?  Oh yea, the mind isn't as sharp when it comes to remembering things like it was prior to children.  Even with aging challenges, one must fight through them all in order to regain a sense of who she is now not who she was before.

When one makes the sacrifice to stay at home with children, it is a great idea initially, but in time, the individual isn't the professional woman that she once was no matter how much she thinks she still is.  You here some say, "I still got it..." usually they speak of what they see externally, but internally they have changed.  They may not know it, but you do, Stay-at-home Mom because you just might be going through similar issues fighting for the you within You. 

You don't talk the same.  Years of relaxed speech and speaking your mind doesn't go over too well in the workplace.  You planned your own schedule and did what you wanted when you wanted.  Boss might not like your routine of napping in the middle of the day at your desk.  You may have returned phone calls when you felt like it and talked for as long as you wanted with most of your family and friends.  Socializing may not happen much on your next job.  Getting focused takes time.  You may quit a job or two or get fired until you are truly ready to get back into the swing of things.

Who are you really?  Besides being a mom, you are something, but what?  There are many titles out there, but which one can you spout out confidently?  What do others call you besides wife, sister, aunt, stepmother, etc.  You must seek out your purpose.  But how do you?  You surround yourself with things you sincerely like, not what others have recommended or what you are simply curious about.  What do you really like?  The truly successful in this world are those who honestly enjoy what they do, remember that.  Success, from a spiritual sense, is not defined by how much money you make, the home you live in, and the car you drive.

Too often stay at home moms become who everyone else wants them to be.  The husband, your mother, or a friend suggested you be at home with children maybe when you really didn't want to be or they suggested you remain at home long after your expiration date.  Then you took them up on their idea, now you aren't happy.  A stranger may have suggested you work from home, but now you don't like it--can't support your family like you really want.  Here lies the challenge, what do you have to do to get where you truly want to be while you still have a heartbeat?  You heard your babies' heartbeats and they made it, now it's time you hear your own again!

From taking classes to working for a temp agency, mothers all over the world start somewhere, it's better than being at home feeling miserable, defeated, and wondering, "Why can't I get a break?"  But even if the opportunity comes, you must be ready!  Have you been spending time observing those at various workplaces and reading the latest news about the industry of your interest?  Are you practicing professionalism again by taking the time to articulate thoughts well?  What are you doing everyday to lead you to where you truly want to be?

The more effort you put toward your goal of transitioning from Stay-at-Home Mom to Career Mom, the more you will realize whether your time is now or later.  But whatever you do, don't stop!  Keep working toward fulfilling your dreams again!

Nicholl McGuire     

Author and Blogger Nicholl McGuire Available to Share Parenting Insight, Talk About Book

After a major relocation back to Southern California (So-Cal), I can finally sit back and focus on books, blogs and more again!  Family responsibilities can easily overshadow everything you worked so hard to build in an effort to help household, your own peace of mind, and others.

I am reaching out to my fellow video producers, bloggers, podcast hosts, and others to let them know I am ready to talk about motherhood issues!  Let's bring to the forefront topics like: stressed out teachers and how they relate or don't relate to our children, burnt out baby-sitters and watching for signs of abuse, a lack of finances to place children in extracurricular activities, cheating spouses, wild friends and their equally wild children, etc.

If you have a production underway and need a guest, then by all means, contact me at nichollmcguire@yahoo.com  I would love to share personal experience and insight.  For those with faith-based programs, I am a believer and would be more than happy to speak about my spirituality and how it plays a part in my being a mother.

Thanks as always for showing support.  If you haven't got When Mothers Cry yet, please do a link is provided to the right of this page.

Nicholl McGuire

 

How Couples Manage to Stay Together at Least Until their Children's Teen Years

You heard of the many relationships that ended after years of being together.  Upon closer inspection, you noticed that some couples stayed together up until teen or young adult years before separating or divorcing.  For them, the timing was right.  It was as if they planned to end the relationship at what they felt was the right time in their lives.

As children grow older and become more independent, there is no need for miserable couples to stay together.  The focus has been on the children for so long that they don't want to have to care for one another through old age.  Freedom looks good, peace--not having to care for anyone but self.  No disputing, no annoying habits, or ugly ways to put up with, the couple reasons, "It's for the best."

So how did they manage to be together for so long in the first place?

1.  They created separate lives despite living together.

2.  They focused primarily on parenting the children and avoided unnecessary conversation about matters of the heart concerning one another.

3.  They connected with people outside of one another and used these individuals to keep them strong.

4.  They weren't always truthful about how they truly felt about one another so as to keep the peace.

5.  They worked hard not to let the children see or hear everything that was going wrong between them.

6.  They found hobbies, took classes, traveled and did other things so that they didn't have to be around each other much.

Not every relationship is centered on love, many are arranged marriages and partnerships for the sake of the children.  When a troubled couple is not very much interested in one another, like they once were, they learn to cope with one another until the opportune time to be free.  If you are in such a relationship, as long as your safety is not at risk, do what you can to stay positive and be there for the children if you know that leaving is not the best option at this time.  Who knows, maybe love will come alive for you and your partner again.   However, this doesn't come without work, honest feelings, and a desire to create the kind of relationship that stands the test of time.

Nicholl McGuire

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Health issues tend to affect your motherhood role periodically and not everyone in your home is always understanding.  When this happens, you have to think of ways that can bring you the most peace in your situation.  Too often mothers think that it isn't okay to be selfish sometimes (notice I didn't say all the time).  But being selfish has its place and when you feel like your mind, body, or spirit is being challenged beyond belief, you owe it to yourself to stay in that bed a little longer, call off work, cancel the family invite, leave the home, drop the kids off with a sitter, or sit in a corner and do nothing.

There will be the arguments, silent treatment and vengeful tactics used against you when involved with those who have long been selfish before you came along.  They may have grown accustomed to you meeting their every request without objection.  However, times change and things happen in motherhood that we don't always know or understand why.  We can't always control what Mother Nature is going to do.  Consider yourself blessed when you are in a relationship with someone who often does nice things for you.  Some men know how to care for their women.  They bring them food when they are ill, help them out of their beds, buy them needed items, and speak kindly to them.  They are affectionate and will sometimes put their partner's needs above their own.  They are compassionate when wives or girlfriends are mentally or physically challenged.

We live in a world where people aren't always nice, polite, or caring.  When this happens, we have to rely on self.  You know what you can tolerate more than anyone else and it is up to you to speak up about your issues without sparing feelings.  You know how you feel from one day to the next.  You know if this is one of your "go off" days.  It would make sense to want to be left alone.  If you ask for space and don't get it, demand it--take it! 

I think of the many women who have had to move far away in order to find peace from annoying relatives, nonchalant spouses,  controlling exes, demanding children, and more.  They grew weary of being sick and tired of so-called loved ones, they just wanted to be in control of their own lives without someone telling them to do just one more thing or asking them for yet another thing.  These deceased women just wanted to hold an understanding hand. 

Rest in peace moms who never truly got the love and peace you yearned for--may you get what you were looking for in this world on the other side.

Nicholl McGuire