Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: Decades of Marriage and What Does One Show for It?...

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: Decades of Marriage and What Does One Show for It?...: For years a couple has been together and has hoped for the best.  Argument after argument has resulted in emotional and physical wounds.  T...

If It's All About the Children - Say So Long to Your Marriage!

"We have Jimmy's practice, then Mary has a birthday party she is attending.  I have to help with homework...I am saving for my kids' education...my  husband will be taking the children to the amusement park...They are doing so well in school!"  Does this sound close to your conversation with others about your children?

So the children's high-priced activities and sporting equipment is eating away at one's savings; meanwhile a wife has no time to date her partner.  The home is in need of repair, yet it's more important to send a child off to college who doesn't even know what she wants to be when she gets older.  The couple argues about the children, help the children, do for the children, and then what?  There is still no time to do anything for one another--not even a compliment.

The more you want for your children, the more you take from your marriage.  Don't believe me?  Ask the many couples who are headed for divorce because secretly or quite openly they not only got tired of their partner, but grew weary of a relationship centered around their children!  "The children need this...don't forget the children want...I don't have time because the children...the children don't need to go to bed right now...the children can play with that...the children don't have to eat that..."  It's always about the children, right?  Little people who will grow up to become young adults who will work very hard to get away from loving, caring, attentive parents.  Then what?  It's just you and He.

Whether he loves or even worships the ground the children walk on or you, someone will have to face the reality that a marriage that is centered around children won't be blissful.  Oh sure, it just might beat the odds 10 to 20 plus years of marriage, but along the way things happen--lots of things and they aren't all good.  Ponder the following conversation for the moment. 

Husband says, "So you love the kids, honey?"
"Of course, I do." Wife responds.
"Do you love me too?"
"You know I do..."
"Well, I love you all.  However, we need to make some changes around here.  I can't remember the last time we had sex.  The children should go to bed earlier."
Wife nods her head in agreement.

This was the first of many signs in this imagined scenario.  The husband didn't mention anything more about their sexless relationship, because his eyes were distracted elsewhere.

There are so many other marital factors and other conversation that could go along with this example, but the main point is to awaken some of these moms who don't check in with their husbands as well as husbands who don't check in with their wives. 

Whether a husband or wife is madly in love with the children or not, the point is that someone reading this will be divorced by this time next year, because he or she thought that a child-centered marriage is okay.  You can pray together all you want, but in the end, if you or your partner deep within aren't happy, sooner or later someone is going to start thinking about leaving.

Listen to what your partner says.  Find ways to make time for one another.  Re-evaluate your own emotions toward partner, marriage and children.  Ask yourself, "Am I spending way too much time appeasing the children while expecting my partner to go along with everything related to them?"  When things seem to be too much, consider help from other sources.  Sometimes children cry out for attention because they aren't happy especially when they prefer to be with the other parent, desire to be left alone, overwhelmed because they are given too many things, don't enjoy school, etc.  Child- related issues will affect your marriage, so avoid ignoring the elephant in the room--discuss it!  And above everything else, learn to say "No" to children.  Put your past behind and how you were treated as a child.

Nicholl McGuire, blog owner and author of When Mothers Cry

You Can Start All Over Again!

 

When they said there is no One,

that you couldn't have any fun

that you had to stay,

you said, "I'll pray."

 

When you knew you messed up,

when wrath came in a cup,

you looked up!

 

When the judges all knew,

and friends were few,

when they lied,

turned their backs on you,

God said, "Do what you have to do."

 

 

Wipe your tears, my sister.  It won't be long now.  We all had to serve our time.  We all had to fight the good fight.  And we all knew when to sit down and stand up.  Our lives may not be dressed in white, but there is always champagne, beige, off-white, tan--whatever your color, dress it up in style!  Look on the bright side, you could have died miserable, sleeping in your grave.  But you didn't ! 

 

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty!  There is a sun shining somewhere; so when it comes, catch its rays before it's too late!

 

 

Nicholl McGuire

 

Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic https://www.createspace.com/3437273

When Mothers Cry https://www.createspace.com/3393499
Laboring to Love Myself https://www.createspace.com/3401526
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate https://www.createspace.com/3332346
Floral Beauty on a Dead End Street http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/904839
Spiritual Poems By Nicholl http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/3113926

 

 

My Mother in Law is Destroying My Marriage - Tips and Advice That May Help

Recently, I've begun to receive a lot of emails about in laws (particularly mothers and sisters in law) who the writer perceives is "trying to destroy my marriage" or "trying to drive a wedge between my spouse and myself." Often, the writer (which is usually a woman) will tell me that the mother in law never liked her, has never accepted her, and will never pass up any opportunity to cause trouble or to make the husband chose sides or to stir up some issue that is going to create tension and drama.

This is a tough situation. Your husband did not choose his parents and, like it or not, he's stuck with them. I mean, you can certainly divorce your spouse and not be legally tied to them anymore, but your immediate family (and especially the woman who gave birth to you) is yours forever. Add that to the fact that many mothers will cling onto their adult sons as though he's as responsible to her as her own husband and there is most definitely a recipe for conflict there. I'll offer tips and advice on how to best handle this in the following article.

Always Try To See Things From Your Husband's Perspective: I know that I am asking a lot when I tell you this. It's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes when you are being attacked. However, it's so important to remember that your husband is the one who is caught in the middle. His mother will likely see any breaking away on his part as a betrayal. That's not to say that he does not have a responsibility to you - he does - and I will discuss that more below. But, you have to do your part as well. Before you make any requests of him, think about how you would want him to react if the roles were reversed. What if it was your mother who was creating tension and drama with him? Wouldn't you want for him to attempt to let this roll off his back rather than becoming angry with you and demanding that you put your own mother in her place?

Understanding What The Mother In Law Is Really Trying To Accomplish (And Not Letting Her Get It:) If you're right in your assumptions that your mother in law wants to break up your marriage, then what better way to fight fire with fire by ensuring that she doesn't get her wish? Don't play right into her hand. What she really doesn't want if for you to go about your business completely happy and unaffected by her games. So, this is just what you want to happen, of course. Your best defense against her is a happy husband who is oblivious to all this drama. If he's happy at home, then he isn't likely to listen to her criticisms or even to pay attention. This is your goal.

So, remain lighthearted when she's flinging her barbs. Act as though she is literally joking. You want to let her know that you really are laughing her off and that her attempts to hurt you are not only missing the mark, but are giving you something to be amused by. My aunt used to tell me to "kill with kindness." This is great advice in this situation. The meaner she gets, the more you should smile. This will annoy her more than anything. If you become angry and have a negative reaction, then she's won that hand. But if you smile and then dismiss her, this is going to make her very frustrated. And, if you keep up this game long enough, she just eventually might quit playing.

Creating A United Front With Compromise: Up until now, I've been asking you to do all the giving, but it's not asking too much to ask your husband to set some boundaries too. This doesn't mean that you should ever ask him to estrange himself from his mother. But, it's not unreasonable to ask him to set some limits. You are a family too now and you may want to spend some holidays alone or with your own family. You may not want to have to have Sunday dinner at her house each and every week. There is a happy medium in all of these situations. It's not fair to ask him to make drastic changes but there's nothing wrong with cutting back. This gives every one at least some of what they want.

Understand what your best case scenario is. I'm betting that you want for your own family to be a priority and to be happy. And, you probably want your husband to be happy without any unnecessary stress regarding your or his extended family. So, always keep this in mind and control what you can. In truth, you can not control how your mother in law or your in laws act or what they demand from him. But, what you can control is your reaction to it. You can control your own immediate family. So, strive to keep him as happy as home as you can and limit your negative contact with the in-laws as much as you feasibly can by setting limits.

At the end of the day, you have to remember that it's your job to safeguard your own happiness and well being. Because the wife and mother's mental health and piece of mind affects every one in the family. Don't let her (or them) get to you and affect your happiness. They want to whittle away at your family? Well, give them just the opposite. Make sure they know that your family is so strong and deeply connected that they are only wasting their time. Respect that your husband can not chose or force his family to behave. You can not control others. But, you can control yourself and your reactions to them. Always make sure that these reactions are in the best interest of your own family, not theirs.

Unfortunately for me, I played right into my mother in law's hand. I allowed her to make me angry and to take this out on my husband. In this way, she got exactly what she wanted and it placed a lot of stress on the marriage until we eventually separated. We eventually worked things out, but it was much more work (and much more painful) than it should have been. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

By Leslie Cane

Behind Every Successful Husband...

When I surf the Internet I see many successful entrepreneurs who are primarily male. I also see alot of men writing about women's interests too. So I gathered from seeing these things that behind every one of those men who brag about what they know and how much money they make that there is a wife, girlfriend or ex somewhere in the mix watching the children, cleaning the house, cooking, and working outside the home (and in many cases making more money than he!)

I will be the first to admit that I am not always following biblical principles and I do covet the life of a man on occassion. He usually has enough time in his day to do the things he loves whether it is to perform well at his job (stay late, travel, go to nice restaurants, entertain important people, etc.) However, when you are a mother who spends the majority of time with your children, you don't have the kind of time to be a five star performer, you are lucky that you don't burn the toast because you are trying to multi-task.

Mothers fight for their time. But fathers, most anyway, don't do much fighting, they just turn on the television, hang out around the watercooler on weekdays after 5 p.m. (when they should be thinking about getting home to help his wife), and leave out the home to shop uninterrupted while mom is in the other room tending to the children.

So when these family men boast about all their wonderful accomplishments, I know that behind that successful man is a mother who allowed him the free time to achieve his dreams. I can only hope that he can step out of the limelight long enough to help her with the children, so that she too can be equally successful. However, there is a price to pay for those so-called family men who don't know how to pull away from the computer, leave their jobs at a decent hour, and communicate where they are going for long hours at a time. Putting aside her motherhood role, a woman will get tired of being taken for granted and if a tear shall fall from her eye in the midst of her frustration with her man, she will eventually talk about leaving, if she hasn't already, to pursue her own dreams -- its only a matter of time.

Mothers appreciate a good man when you have him and train the one whose bad. (Training doesn't always mean living with him or talking into the wee hours of the morning either.)

Be blessed.

Nicholl McGuire
http://parentsbabieschildren.blogspot.com