Mother-in-Law: A Woman with a Need for Attention, Control and The World to Center Around Her

She was a woman that didn't mind hosting events at her suburban home, because she could show off her neatly decorated and very eye-catching living-room to guests while bragging about her spacious kitchen with many cabinets.  She directed her guests to a beautifully arranged, long dining room table with shiny place settings and decorative, comfy chairs to match.  She enjoyed her company immensely, just so long as they abided by her rules and flattered her.


Her rules were simple:  she didn't want you in certain drawers or using her appliances without asking, you were to clean your hands before touching anything edible, and be respectful of those around you. If she asked you to do something, be prepared to do it preferably with a smile on your face.  As you learned more about her, there were unspoken rules as well, things you just knew not to talk to her about such as your opinion about her children for starters.


Her eldest son, knew his mother all too well, he ignored her flippant remarks if she was offended by someone or something.  His nonchalant, stubborn attitude was always a thorn in her side.  She would have preferred he too just went along with "the program" in front of guests, but this didn't always happen.  Secretly, she didn't like her son much for he reminded her of "that man" she was once married to.  A man who had been robbed of a relationship with his son, thanks to her controlling ways! 


A mother-in-law with a lot of mouth and a whole lot of act to match, she considered herself peaceful, religious, content with life, but she had her share of issues with her current husband.  He too knew her very well.  He took a violent beating from her once.  In the past, the husband described his wife as beautiful, nice and great to be around that is until she reached her menopausal years.


This woman, who had felt she could advise many on how to achieve life goals, save marriages, and direct people toward paths that would best suit them, had many skeletons in her closet.  Her personal life, really didn't look as neat and clean as her lovely home.  Secretly, she felt miserable within quite often.  She had questioned herself many times, "What did I do with my life?  Where did I go wrong? "  She had wished to be in love, but she ruined that by choosing a man she didn't really love or like to be her lifelong mate; rather she loved his finances more.  She wanted to travel but anxiety, fear, worry, and not much money kept her close to home.  Charity work was never fulfilling just something to do to keep the woman somewhat busy.  She also wished to genuinely enjoy the company of others--something she had a hard time doing since she was far too distracted observing their flaws and forming personal judgments against them.


I was a witness to the mother-in-law's manipulative strategies.  She kept her adult sons little boys while controlling them and others.  I noticed how often she was involved in their lives whether verbally or physically, and how she convinced them that part of being a close family was to talk to her everyday.  When she spoke to her sons, she volunteered all sorts of personal information so that she could find out about her sons' lives, their wives, children, and what they were doing or not doing.  She often had something to say that strategically made her sons see things her way.  She didn't like when they got ugly with her, but she took the verbal abuse sometimes, because ultimately she knew she would get her way sooner or later.  Unfortunately, her persuasive arguments, so-called Christian counseling, and other things she did in her effort to control them, typically back-fired.  While she thought she was winning her little boys, turned men, to her she was really pushing them away usually into the bed of yet another woman.  Eventually, they would see that they had been played once again by mom.  But hurt feelings die and before long, her spiritually-broken sons would be back to opening up to poor mom with the fragile heart, forgetful mind, and charming, yet deceptive spirit.


The wives were all-too-willing to appease their mother-in-law, at least in the beginning of their dating and marriage partnerships, but it wouldn't be long before she would offend them with her controlling remarks and sneaky behaviors.  The women would become distant from their mother-in-law, and that is when mom would work her magic on her sons yet again.  Pointing out the women's flaws and comparing herself to them, the mother-in-law would work on building a case that would make the men not like/love their wives so much.  The so-called words of comfort when husbands and wives didn't see eye-to-eye was really her way of chipping away at their marriages.  She knew how to play the insecure and jealous type of young ladies, she had seen her sons bring this type home to her far too many times.  The mother-in-law knew what she had created for sons.  This is why it was no surprise to her when they broke up with their women.


This mother-in-law, with a self-hate for her own ethnicity, had ran into the arms of many who didn't have her look--an appearance she didn't like much.  She felt comfort with a group she often praised, that is until they said or did something to remind her of her culture.  She would find some relief with her own people until they too, would say something that reminded her of the things she hated about her people.


Holiday celebrations were her playground, she enjoyed the role she played, "Mother-in-law" the name sounded powerful.  She was going to be sure that she lived up to the role.  She didn't want to be viewed as mean, ugly, or evil toward daughter-in-laws, at least not this time, but her attempt at controlling them was more than enough to keep her family cautious and others distant from her.


Nicholl McGuire

Free Bible Commentary: Book of Ruth Part One - Mother-in-law and Daughte...

Dr. Phil Uncensored: Mother-in-Law Mayhem - Get Ready for the Holidays!

7 Things You Must Know About your Mother -in-Law Before You Shop on Mother’s Day

One. Know your mother’s personality type. Avid readers like something related to their reading, stay-at-home mothers like sleepwear, outgoing mothers like showy things, and mothers who love money don’t want empty cards!

You don’t want the fake smile or half grin on Mother’s Day because you didn’t plan appropriately. Interview your mother as soon as you can to find out what her needs maybe. It may not be a gift that she wants but help with a project. Talk with family and friends about the hints she may be throwing their way as well. Check the history pages of her Internet use to see what has been captivating her eye lately. Look for notes around the home that she has made to herself to obtain more ideas on what she may want for Mother’s Day.

If your mother likes to go out to a restaurant on Mother’s Day, then you may want to consider how crowded it may be on that day. If your goal is to have a pleasant experience with your Mother on that day but you don’t want to fight crowds, offer to take her out on another day.

Two. Know how much you want to spend and what you intend to buy before you arrive at the store for big purchases. Don’t waste the sales clerk’s time, if you use one, knowing that your budget is only a certain amount yet you let her or him direct you to an aisle you know you can’t afford anything there! Why put yourself in a position that will make you feel disappointed later? Rather, conduct research before you visit the store on what you are looking for and do remember to print out the item and the price that it is being sold for on the Internet. This simple act will save you money and time in the store.

Three. Know what place she loves to shop and avoid it! Very often if it is her favorite store she has bought many things in the store already, so you run the risk of buying an item she already may have. This is where gift cards come in handy, because this way she can enjoy a nice shopping spree in her favorite store! However, don’t select gift cards to places you know she wouldn’t ordinarily visit.

Four. Know that your mother may react more over someone else’s gift. Sometimes this happens; you spend all day trying to find the perfect gift for your mother on a limited budget then along comes your sibling, a friend or neighbor blowing your mother’s socks off! It may be hard to contain your jealousy, but consider the following: you have more money in your pocket when it is all said and done then he or she, Mother’s Day happens only once a year, and what is the likelihood that it just may sit on the shelf collecting dust by next year?

Five. Know what she already has. You can save yourself a headache by simply walking through her house and looking at all the items she has received over the years. Think about what she is using and what she isn’t. When you are trying to determine what to buy always remember to remove yourself out the equation. What you might think is right for her maybe so wrong! Save yourself the embarrassment on Mother’s Day, be a detective!

Six. Know what your siblings are going to buy her. This may be helpful if they are willing to give you some insight. However, some siblings are secretive with what they are buying mother because they don’t want to be outdone.

Seven. Know when you plan on visiting her. Let’s face it not everyone has the greatest relationship with their mother as well as the rest of the family, so try to pick a time during the day that has the least amount of traffic coming to the home. You may want to drop off your gift to her the day before, the day after or send it in the mail; however, whatever you choose to do, try to use your gift as a peacemaker. In other words, don’t give her a gift just because; instead, be sincere and write a note that speaks from your heart without being grammatically correct or mechanical like some of the writings in greeting cards. Write the way you talk, a mother who truly appreciates and loves her children will embrace your effort wholeheartedly! However, if she doesn’t seem to care what you have done for her reduce your gift-giving down to a simple phone call each year. You are still honoring her without subjecting yourself to abuse.

How to Get Along With Your Mother-in-Law

'As If and if only' (As if - is for the possibility of getting along with her. If only - is, there have been innumerable suggestions given on perfecting the balancing act and yet there is need for more...). That's a 'big IF', mind you on both counts. World over if at all there is unity among women it is about 'the m-in-law' factor. It is the bane of every woman who sees her macho male go putty in his mommy's hands much to our dismay. For the mother (in law) it is her ultimate achievement, her crowning glory to be in control of her son. She knows to push his buttons and that necessarily need not be in favor to you. So how to win over this matron (some would call her the wicked witch! I wouldn't go that far, because I too have a son!)

First and foremost, don't get into the marriage with any preconceived notions. Bias is very often the culprit for souring relationships. Keep an open mind.

When talking to your m-i-l dear, approach her with kindness. Empathy goes a long way in softening even the strongest of hearts. After all, she too has been a d-i-l once. Having said that, this does not mean you are a door mat. You need to look after your self esteem too.

In case of a tug of war (especially one of word clash) - being silent is your biggest weapon. By keeping quiet you are not weak rather you are smart, people savvy. By not saying anything you are giving less fodder for her verbal duel. It takes two hands to clap. So keep mum. I know the provocation would be too much to resist. You might be goaded to retaliate. Don't do it. Clamp your lips. Clench your teeth. As a last resort, bite your tongue. Do whatever it takes to keep your mouth shut.

Trust me this will go a long way in maintaining peace at home. After all, how much can one person talk without a reaction?

By ignoring her tirade you are reinforcing the message that you are unperturbed by her ramblings. Carry on with your work as usual. Jain saint Mahavira once said, 'Tolerance is the best form of punishment.' That's philosophy. On a more practical note ignorance works better to make people toe the line, especially if their behavior is unwarranted.

Nobody likes to be slighted. The need to belong and be cherished is the latent need of all relationships. So, make an effort to be amicable to your m-i-l. After all she is your hubby's mom. For you to like him, she must have done something right.

Credit her with good upbringing if not for anything else. Every body loves a compliment. Make your m-i-l's day by praising her skills. Keep the flattery as close to truth as possible. Anything too sugary can be seen outright as lying and seen suspiciously.

If not for anything your m-i-l has seen more in life than you have done. Accept her point of view but you don't have to follow it. It's all about how you say the words. Be polite yet resolute. Be kind yet firm.

This is your life and how you live it is your prerogative. But, if there is something that can enhance the quality of life through her suggestion take it. It's for your betterment. That she might say it for the welfare of her son is secondary. By being married to her boy you are also entitled to benefit from it.

Admit it your husband is the apple of his mom's eye. I know sometimes it does get overboard and can become your eyesore. But look on the positive side, by getting your m-i-l on your side you not only have harmony but also approval from your husband.

That his wife is getting along with his mother could actually grease the wheels of domestic life and make it more enriching and rewarding.

If you are living separately and only visiting your in-laws - hurray you don't have the hassle of 'm-i-l syndrome' on daily basis except for the weekly rituals. The cardinal rule would be to go along with your husband and play the role of the dutiful daughter in law. By visiting them despite you knowing they are ignoring you and they knowing that you know it too... you will win their grudging admiration in the long run. Even if they don't shout it off the rooftops, there will be silent acknowledgement of your efforts to be included into the family fold.

You need not famously get along with your m-i-l, at least try to have a working relationship for the sake of your husband; more importantly, for the sake of your children.

Children have these antennae to pick out 'stress signals'. Their uncanny ability to radar out strains in the relationship can be detrimental not only for their emotional well being but also hamper their bonding your m-i-l (their grandma).

The Freudian theory is that the wife and the mother are in love with the same man. It is a kind of triangular love relationship, hence there is bound to be this constant power struggle as to who has an upper hand with the guy. The tussle has nothing to do with rationale and everything to do with emotions. It is this striving for one 'upmanship' that is the root cause for the m-i-l to be called monster in law (see the movie of the same name * ing Jane Fond and Jennifer Lopez). You'll understand what I'm talking about.

But at the end of the day, both of you love the same guy. So learn to call a truce if not able to make peace with your m-i-l. This will absolve you of later regrets and future guilt. By learning to forgive the past misgivings you not only heal faster inside but will also be able to move forward positively in your relationship with your husband. That is what marriage is all about - forgiving and moving forward as a team.

By Sandya Dev

My Mother in Law is Destroying My Marriage - Tips and Advice That May Help

Recently, I've begun to receive a lot of emails about in laws (particularly mothers and sisters in law) who the writer perceives is "trying to destroy my marriage" or "trying to drive a wedge between my spouse and myself." Often, the writer (which is usually a woman) will tell me that the mother in law never liked her, has never accepted her, and will never pass up any opportunity to cause trouble or to make the husband chose sides or to stir up some issue that is going to create tension and drama.

This is a tough situation. Your husband did not choose his parents and, like it or not, he's stuck with them. I mean, you can certainly divorce your spouse and not be legally tied to them anymore, but your immediate family (and especially the woman who gave birth to you) is yours forever. Add that to the fact that many mothers will cling onto their adult sons as though he's as responsible to her as her own husband and there is most definitely a recipe for conflict there. I'll offer tips and advice on how to best handle this in the following article.

Always Try To See Things From Your Husband's Perspective: I know that I am asking a lot when I tell you this. It's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes when you are being attacked. However, it's so important to remember that your husband is the one who is caught in the middle. His mother will likely see any breaking away on his part as a betrayal. That's not to say that he does not have a responsibility to you - he does - and I will discuss that more below. But, you have to do your part as well. Before you make any requests of him, think about how you would want him to react if the roles were reversed. What if it was your mother who was creating tension and drama with him? Wouldn't you want for him to attempt to let this roll off his back rather than becoming angry with you and demanding that you put your own mother in her place?

Understanding What The Mother In Law Is Really Trying To Accomplish (And Not Letting Her Get It:) If you're right in your assumptions that your mother in law wants to break up your marriage, then what better way to fight fire with fire by ensuring that she doesn't get her wish? Don't play right into her hand. What she really doesn't want if for you to go about your business completely happy and unaffected by her games. So, this is just what you want to happen, of course. Your best defense against her is a happy husband who is oblivious to all this drama. If he's happy at home, then he isn't likely to listen to her criticisms or even to pay attention. This is your goal.

So, remain lighthearted when she's flinging her barbs. Act as though she is literally joking. You want to let her know that you really are laughing her off and that her attempts to hurt you are not only missing the mark, but are giving you something to be amused by. My aunt used to tell me to "kill with kindness." This is great advice in this situation. The meaner she gets, the more you should smile. This will annoy her more than anything. If you become angry and have a negative reaction, then she's won that hand. But if you smile and then dismiss her, this is going to make her very frustrated. And, if you keep up this game long enough, she just eventually might quit playing.

Creating A United Front With Compromise: Up until now, I've been asking you to do all the giving, but it's not asking too much to ask your husband to set some boundaries too. This doesn't mean that you should ever ask him to estrange himself from his mother. But, it's not unreasonable to ask him to set some limits. You are a family too now and you may want to spend some holidays alone or with your own family. You may not want to have to have Sunday dinner at her house each and every week. There is a happy medium in all of these situations. It's not fair to ask him to make drastic changes but there's nothing wrong with cutting back. This gives every one at least some of what they want.

Understand what your best case scenario is. I'm betting that you want for your own family to be a priority and to be happy. And, you probably want your husband to be happy without any unnecessary stress regarding your or his extended family. So, always keep this in mind and control what you can. In truth, you can not control how your mother in law or your in laws act or what they demand from him. But, what you can control is your reaction to it. You can control your own immediate family. So, strive to keep him as happy as home as you can and limit your negative contact with the in-laws as much as you feasibly can by setting limits.

At the end of the day, you have to remember that it's your job to safeguard your own happiness and well being. Because the wife and mother's mental health and piece of mind affects every one in the family. Don't let her (or them) get to you and affect your happiness. They want to whittle away at your family? Well, give them just the opposite. Make sure they know that your family is so strong and deeply connected that they are only wasting their time. Respect that your husband can not chose or force his family to behave. You can not control others. But, you can control yourself and your reactions to them. Always make sure that these reactions are in the best interest of your own family, not theirs.

Unfortunately for me, I played right into my mother in law's hand. I allowed her to make me angry and to take this out on my husband. In this way, she got exactly what she wanted and it placed a lot of stress on the marriage until we eventually separated. We eventually worked things out, but it was much more work (and much more painful) than it should have been. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

By Leslie Cane

Why do some mothers make life harder by imposing their choices on other mothers?

Why do some mothers criticize one another over the littlest of things? Whether she is a young mother who forgot to cover the baby’s head while getting out of a car or an older mother who is trying to breast feed her child in public, there is always some comment from afar. “Why doesn’t she cover the baby’s head, that’s why her child will be sick? Does she have to breastfeed here they should make it a law not to?” The self-righteous mother acts as if she has been able to get everything right the first time.

You may have decided to return back to work within six weeks after you had your baby and I may have chosen to stay at home. You may have decided to quit your job and allow your husband to take care of you. I may have stayed at my job, divorced my husband, and gave him custody of the children. Whatever our situations, why is it that mothers are critical of one another? “She should have kept her children. Why would she return back to work so soon after having a baby? If I was her I would find a man that made more money. After what he did to me, I would have taken the children and he would never be able to find us.” Chances are everything that these mothers comment about, if placed in a similar situation, they wouldn’t even take their own advice. So why is it that some mothers are so hard on other mothers? Because they feel they have a right to be.

Some women feel because they have crossed that threshold into motherhood and did well accepting their roles, they have appointed themselves as an authority on what other mothers should do or say when it comes to handling family matters. The truth is that in order to get to a place of comfort in their lives, they had to make many terrible mistakes to get there and rather than be honest and say, “Yes, I have been there and done that and I don’t want you to make the same mistake,” they will criticize other mothers to cover up their own shortcomings. They are fearful that if they advise rather than be critical that they would have to reveal too much of themselves. Therefore, putting their choices under the same scrutiny that they give to other mothers—of course they don’t want to do that! Other mothers are critical because they are envious. For example, they may wish that they had enough courage to return back to work so soon after having a baby or been strong enough to let their sons or daughters live with their father.

The mother who has no life outside of the family home seems to be the biggest gossip in my experience. She doesn’t have enough to do to stay off the phone or out of someone else’s home. She always seems to find the time to update everyone on the latest happenings in the family and in the community never bothering to leave out her negative personal opinion. Her mouth often gets her into a lot of trouble. “Did you hear that our neighbor’s son is in jail, you know if that were my son…? The paramedics had to take the man up the street to the hospital, I think it was because of all that drinking he got sick. He shouldn’t have been doing it in front of his children. Did you know that our friend just lost her children? She should have, she was always out partying.” However, the part that the gossip tends to leave out is her life experience. She chooses not to divulge how she had been physically, mentally or verbally abused by her husband in front of the children and she allowed it. She fails to mention how she has few friends, because she can’t seem to keep her mouth closed long enough to get any. Finally, and the most important of all, is she doesn’t want you to know how she has failed as a mother. Her children will tell you that they don’t like their mother for various reasons including her being critical of their life choices. Although this is an example, it is very real for some mothers who are trying to be good mothers, but along comes some gossip mother type who thinks she has it all figured out on what constitutes “a good mother” and to hell with the rest of us who may fall short of her expectations.

I can see why some women don’t have good relationships with their own mothers, mother-in-laws, motherhood groups, their church and other people and organizations that are suppose to provide support to mothers. The criticism can be overwhelming and if you are not content in your role as mother, these people can say and do things that can break you down mentally. Unfortunately, this happens all too often to some mothers who come from these meetings. They are crying to their husbands, complaining to relatives or praying to God somewhere alone. They are trying very hard to be the mother who can cook, clean, work, care for the husband and children, attend church regularly, keep up with the doctor’s appointments, the afterschool functions, organize the holiday celebrations and much more and despite all their efforts it is never good enough. There will always be some mother who will have something negative to say, “There weren’t enough things for the children to do at the last function. How come we never see your children at the meeting? You know that is not how we do it. It’s a family tradition…you should…you need to…you ought to…”
How about mothers, who are trying real hard to be good mothers, stop venting to their husbands, relatives and friends about their frustrations with other mothers? Instead, set the record straight the minute these critical mothers want to verbally assault you behind your back, you tell them to their face, “This is my function…this is my house…these are my children…and I am doing the best I can for what I know, how about you just sit back and keep your mouth shut!” As I write, I think about the mothers who rather keep quiet and let God handle matters and to that I say, even Jesus had to speak up sometime for what is right. Start praying that the Lord will give you the courage to speak up in his time not during times you think may not be right. Too often, we assume that every special occasion is not the right time to say anything, but sometimes these mothers hide behind the “this is not the right time” excuse to get away with doing things to hurt you, don’t let it happen to you. Although you may not get these critical mothers to keep quiet about you, you will have taken a stand, and let them know that you can’t and will not be bullied. If you don’t stand up for your role as mother who will?