So you have moved on with your life since you and the father of your children couldn't manage to stay peaceful enough with one another to make a relationship work. Now you are dating someone new and you find that free time is getting a little more difficult to manage. He wants to spend more time with you and so does your children.
It seems easy enough to just plan days accordingly and hope that he understands that the children come first. However, put yourself in his shoes for a moment, "I am expected to move out the way sometimes for children she had with another man." No matter how nice we say it, that is what we are asking a new boyfriend to do. The more fathers and children you have, the more difficult it is for a man to wrap his head around that one.
What tends to happen in relationships like this, especially if the father is often present in your children's lives, is both men will have concerns about one another. You will find yourself having to manage both men and try to make them feel comfortable about what is going on. On one hand, your ex doesn't want any man influencing his son and/or daughter. On the other hand, the new man is trying to find his place in your life. Throw extended relatives in the mix and you will be working overtime!
When the pressure in a relationship intensifies due to children misbehaving, an ex is jealous, or the boyfriend is acting distant, what some women will do is put the new man before everyone. This would make sense, to some women, because he wasn't the one who hurt her in the past and unlike the children, he is giving more than he is taking from her, so why not? The problem is everyone starts to notice that the new man is taking center stage in the woman's life; therefore, she has a whole new set of problems on her hand. The children and other relatives will start to dislike the new man and want him gone. The ex will hope for the worse and might add a few not-so flattering comments in you and the children's ears.
At some point, the poor woman who was only trying to find happiness will instead, find herself in a position to have to choose children or man. The ex may have to do the same in his new relationship too since his girlfriend might be giving him some problems. Both parties will have to find solutions that will help everyone manage their new families. They will both need to keep in mind that new girlfriends and boyfriends may put on a good act when it comes to the children, but secretly hope that the other parent decides to have the children more often and/or live with him or her.
Blood is thicker than water, so the old adage goes. Unfortunately, "the water" may lose, especially if he or she is looking for ways to push the children out the door. Constant complaining, tension, and hollering at the children are clear signs that the new boyfriend or girlfriend just isn't cut out for step-parenting. But can you blame him or her particularly if your partner is young and childless or older with grown children? There is selfishness, irritability and impatience that the new partners may have to overcome.
So let's just say that a parent does choose a new partner over children, then what? Consider what may happen in the future to this parent's relationship with her children. There will be wounds of rejection that the children will have to heal from. A son and/or daughter may resent the parent for leaving them with the other parent now that he or she has a partner. The child, who will one day become an adult son or daughter, may not bother to open his or her doors to their mother because of her choice and even worse disallow her from getting to know his or her family.
Think of those around you who may have been rejected by a parent, are they battling with all kinds of issues as a result? Are you? Choose wisely.
Nicholl McGuire
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