Tuesday

Misery Loves Company - The Pain One Feels When All Alone with Children

You don’t know my story as well as millions of others if you haven’t read, “When Mothers Cry.” The topics discussed in that book are the root issues as to why some of us reach a point in motherhood that despite having partners, children, jobs, etc., we still feel alone.  Too much loneliness eventually leads to mental and/or physical pain. Children don’t understand it, a partner might criticize it, but feelings of aloneness are real!

Loneliness isn’t always a bad thing; it can be quite good when used appropriately and for a limited amount of time. For instance, your children are gone for the day and instead of thinking about what they are up to with a family member, friend or daycare, you use your time wisely until you see them again.  You might look to others like you are lonely when you are being quite productive. You are getting things done that you always wanted to do and are feeling good about not having anyone around.

Yet, loneliness has a dark side. It shows up when you least expect it. Too many days of being alone and you can drive yourself mad especially if you have young children you care for and you have little or no time to be around adults. For some moms the support system just isn’t there for those with a cry or many cries about everything from finances to physical ailments. It isn’t because they haven’t reached out, oftentimes many moms with a variety of concerns do connect with someone or a group, but it doesn’t always help. Our minds are just not all wired the same.

I recall a time when I was so lonely to the point that I didn’t care who I talked to while I pushed my double stroller through a small town where most people who lived there were Asian and spoke Chinese. I listened to the broken English speakers as best I could, and we laughed about some things and I felt better during our small exchanges. Some people just don’t realize the power of those small conversations with strangers. They have kept many of us out of trouble.

So how do moms who appear to have everything get to a mental state of loneliness?  For some of us, we get to a place of lonesomeness because we pushed the battles away--the negative people. We stopped fighting with them. We no longer found it necessary to clash with partners, employers, friends, relatives, etc. we simply wanted to fulfill our duties and be appreciated. But when our needs weren’t met and relationships became more of a chore than a benefit, we learned how to keep trouble at bay and then became lonely. Replacements for lonely feelings just didn’t come fast enough, so feelings of isolation took route and for many moms just didn’t leave yet.

Technology adds to the state of loneliness since so many things don’t require connecting with people face-to face. Relocations will also create feelings of seclusion. A controlling partner and/or children will do the same. Aloneness shows up sometimes before or after childbirth, divorce, death of a loved one, hormonal changes or when a child moves away. Thank God the state of loneliness is a temporal season for many of us moms, but it happens. However, loneliness can turn into depression if one chooses to wallow in negative feelings for too long.

When one is experiencing a myriad of emotions connected to loneliness this is when she is also quite vulnerable. She becomes a magnet for others like her, but sometimes these women don’t mean well. They are miserable about certain life issues they may share or not. In addition, they may not have a faith and have not been free out of loneliness in quite a long time. These women may come off as pushy, needy and/or desperate for a friend or someone they can “help.” But their aid isn’t often appreciated because there is a hint of power and control mixed up in it that other women might have picked up on and so they don’t stick around.

Misery shows up and says, “If you need me, I’m here, but I have my own share of problems--lots of them. Listen to me and I might listen to you. Don’t rely on me…I’ll call you when I feel like it. But then maybe I won’t, I’ll be busy, so busy.” You might know someone like that. One big contradiction yet she feels alone sometimes, so she says.

Children oftentimes don’t fulfill any voids, if anything they can create an emotional disconnect with one’s self and cause you to forget about you to the point that you don’t feel deserving of anything not even a friend. Before long you are headed down a path where children are everything and you are nothing. Don’t do that! See the signs and get back on track--you were here before children and when they are gone, you are left not only with a partner, but with you too! If you have a faith, use it!

The key to shaking loneliness is to break routines every now and again. Be around people even if you don’t feel like talking to them. Reconnect with those things you once enjoyed that are beneficial to your mind, body and soul (and we aren’t talking about the things that God would frown upon). Be enlightened by learning something new and doing different things.  Who knows you might make a new friend?

When you start being more content with you, loneliness will drop off like the pounds you lose when you exercise and control your meal portions. Say goodbye to the dark side of loneliness!

Nicholl McGuire is the owner and manager of this blog.

Thursday

Saying Goodbye Can Be So Hard - Letting Go


After we have given birth, we don't even think about the many days ahead that we will have to say goodbye to them, our children.
 
The heaviness in my chest, the sadness that overwhelms me, and the stream of tears...
only God knows, only God knows.

Wednesday

Better Dad than Partner?


Give it some time, he just might turn out to be a good dad.


When you're in doubt about that guy who suddenly doesn't
seem like you and he will make a great pair, now a baby is on the way.

When Mothers Cry
by Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

10 Things Childcare Providers Could Do For Parents

Thinking about running your own daycare business from home?  It’s a great idea and will be successful for you when you know what you are doing.  Too often parents visit a daycare with the hopes of registering their child, only to find out the daycare center or home daycare is not what they planned. 

Parents have complained of daycare facilities and home daycares being unclean and smelly.  Children being fed a diet of sugary snacks between meals and in some cases didn’t bother to feed the children a meal when they asked “because the parents would be coming to get them soon.”  Lazy workers were uninterested in teaching the children as promised.  Older children (in home daycares) were allowed to interact with toddlers and babies (and in some cases bullied them.) 

Without proper planning when running a daycare, childcare providers may lose business or worse encounter lawsuits, so know your business and know your parent’s needs.  The following list is comprised of some things you can do to ensure your daycare is up to par.

One.  Provide the daycare’s license number without the parents having to ask.

Two.  Upon signing up, all updated daycare policies should be provided to parents including exactly how much your rates are without any sudden changes verbally.

Three.  Have receipts prepared before we get there.

Four.  Be sure the environment is clean.

Five.  Change babies’ diapers often.

Six.  Provide healthy snacks like they claim they do (cookies, candies, and cakes served before the parents pick them up are loaded with sugar and add to behavioral issues).

Seven.  Show and tell parents what their children did during the day besides the negative reports.

Eight.  When telling parents about any negative acts the children did, include what you did to discipline them.

Nine.  Document the children’s day what they ate, participated in, whether they were ill, etc. then give parents a copy.

Ten.  Notify parents in advance about anyone new who will be working with their children.

Share this article with childcare providers and hopefully your voice Mom will be heard.  In order to have a quality daycare business, one has to consider the feedback from others.  All four of my boys have been in childcare, although older now, I didn't forget the good care they received as well as the not-so good care.  Daycare memories can last a lifetime for children, so do think of this when dropping children off with caretakers.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry now available at Barnes & Noble.  She also maintains this blog, so do reach out for advertising space or blog sponsored posts.

When Mothers Cry - motherhood challenges, books, parents, new mothers

Wednesday

Are You A Strict Parent?


 How to know whether your child will one day shame you.

Today you will brag to friends and family about how well mannered, smart, and wonderful your child is to you and everyone who knows him or her.  However, tomorrow just may be a different story.

Children grow up and move on with their lives with or without their parents.  You may have a ticking time bomb under your roof that can’t wait to explode and move on without you.  How do you know if you are being too strict and if your child may one day shame the family name?

Remember how you were raised?  If you had parents who just didn’t seem to care, then you may want to be sure that you are not like them, but you may be overdoing it.  However, if you had parents who treated you like you were a soldier and they were the generals, you may be repeating their behaviors with your own child.

Ask yourself the following questions and make the necessary changes in how you parent before it is too late.

Am I angry a lot?  You may be stressed about work, money, your spouse, family, friends or your health.  Your child may be receiving a lot of this anger.  It’s time to determine if these areas of your life can be changed. 

My child seems to be acting different lately, what is his or her problem?  Once you have determined what is the root cause of your anger, then examine if there is something your child is or is not doing that could make life better at home.  Maybe he or she is doing well in school, but angry with you for some reason.  Your son or daughter may be struggling with a health problem that you may not be aware.  Communicate with your child and find out if there are any problems he or she is having that you need to help him or her fix.

When I discipline my child is it really working?  Physically hitting your child for letter grades, a dish that falls to the floor, or because you are too impatient to assist him or her with homework are not contributing to his or her success.  Instead, you are building up resentment within him or her.  Be prepared for your child to one day look for love in all the wrong places, bad mouth you to family and friends, avoid coming around you, and act out in rebellious ways such as getting in trouble with the law. 

What kind of environment am I creating for my child?  You know your environment better than anyone else, because you live there.  A clean, spacious, well-kept home is one that any child can physically thrive in when he or she knows where to find his her belongings and doesn’t have to be concerned with insects invading his or her bed at night.  Yet, with all the cleanliness is there room for he or she to make mistakes?  Can she leave the milk out on the countertop without being yelled at and called every name but the one you have given her?  Will your son be allowed to leave muddy shoes near the front door without worrying whether you will yank him by the arm and throw him up against a wall?  Give them the opportunities to correct their mistakes while increasing future penalties each time they forget.  (Isn’t that what courts do each time one breaks the law?)

Does your child appear to be afraid to speak with you?  Some children will actually urinate on themselves when trying to explain to their parents why they broke mom’s vase for fear that they will be punished.  Is this the kind of fear your child has toward you?  Maybe it is a different kind of fear, the kind that runs and hides when you call them.  Start putting a smile on your face, changing your tone of voice, and sitting down with your hands to yourself while you listen to them explain themselves.  The key here is to be approachable. 

Does your child often find any excuse to avoid sitting in the same room with you?  The resentment may have already taken root within your child.  Do you know their reason for why they treat you like they do?  They aren’t interested in anything you have to say.  It’s time you listen to them.  Where did you go wrong?  Once you can answer these questions, you will be on your way to changing yourself first, then by your actions your child will change.

Do you allow yourself a break from your children?  When was the last time you took a break?  If you find yourself constantly staying on top of everything they say and do, then you need a life.  No one likes to have to fix mistakes once they are done, but if you don’t allow room for errors how will they learn?  Little things like not putting something back in its place, forgetting to call you at work when they got home from school, leaving their homework at school, etc.  If it isn’t something that is happening all the time, don’t stress over it.  There are consequences for every action not just in your home.  Sometimes you will just have to let the world wake them up to reality.

Do you think you can shelter your child from everything harmful?  If you believe this, then good luck.  No matter what you try to do some one or some thing in this world will tempt your child to break the rules you have set.  At times your child will pass the tests of life with flying colors and other times he or she won’t.  Prepare yourself in advance for the times they will not pass the test.  How will you react to the lies told, the peer pressure, the unexpected XYZ, and all your other fears?  Have a plan for the unexpected.

What are your child’s influences?  While you may be thinking your child is to blame for the change of behavior, maybe it is the family member you keep allowing your child to stay with over the weekend.  If they enjoy smoking, drinking, gambling, and entertaining negative people, do you really think your child isn’t going to think at some point that these behaviors are acceptable?  What about the movies and the music you allow your child to watch and listen?  There are many songs and television shows that glorify sex and violence, a child who is disgruntled with mom and dad just might want to have sex with the tempting classmate or pick up a gun and shoot a round of bullets.

Are you involved in other areas of your children’s life besides discipline?  When he or she wants to play ball, are you playing with him or her?  When your child shows you his or her homework, are you praising him or her?  When they have a sports game, are you there?  When he or she has a party, are you participating?  Many parents want their children to be successful, yet they won’t bother to support them when they can.  A minor adjustment in a work schedule, a change of attitude, and a little cash could make a world of difference in your child’s behavior and attitude toward you.

Parents will have to find the healthy balance between being strict and being laid back.  Know when to turn up the discipline when your child seems to be getting out of hand and turn down the discipline when they are doing well.  Using discipline, as insurance for the future is not a healthy way of getting the results you want.  No one wants to be punished in advance for some thing they haven’t even done, let alone, thought of.

Parents must show love, appreciation, respect, and care toward their children first if they hope to one day receive it back and avoid the shame of the family name.

Nicholl McGuire


Thursday

Nicholl McGuire on Raising Sons

When I wrote When Mothers Cry, the reaction from fellow mothers was just what I had imagined.  The head nod, the tears, and the questions were all to be expected after reading my book.  However, what really made me feel moved inside was when I heard from moms who were like me, raising sons.  It didn't matter whether we had fathers around or not, we all had our concerns about parenting boys. Time and time again we talked about how easy they were as compared to daughters to parent, but they too come with their share of challenges.  From the political agendas to emasculate them to relatives who were far from good role models, we moms shared our thoughts on and off the Internet and were at times visibly upset with what some of our sons had already been exposed to.

I will not say that since the birth of this blog it has been easy teaching, talking to, protecting, and shopping for children.  Not at all!  The journey has been difficult.  With one son who graduated this year from high school and three more to go, I have had my highs and lows.  Yet, I have no regrets divorcing, moving away, moving on, and having a faith.  God didn't put no more on me than I could handle.  Not every mother was built the same and not every mother can take what another mother can take--doesn't make anyone better than the other--we all have our challenges.

With the first two boys, everything played out in such a way that I know it was nothing but God who heard my prayers.  Without getting into too much detail, I will share that I was quite elated when I realized just how powerful prayer was (and still is) and how I could simply go to God with my concerns, wait on Him and see results.  I know that sometimes we get angry when people get in the way of our plans, but what I have learned is that when you have a faith, you can get God on the case and not feel like you have missed out on anything in your children's lives whether near or far.

The enemy thought years ago he had the upperhand on me before, during and after childbirth.  I admit I made my mistakes, but I never allowed them to consume me when it came to parenting my children whether part or full-time.  I refused to let mean spirited witnesses and self righteous Christians win with their wishes for my failure or vengeful behaviors because I didn't dance by the beat of their drums--lol. Some of you know what I am talking about because you have had to encounter everything from needy dads with all sorts of addictions to evil in-laws and everyone else in between.  Yet, no matter what you have heard or seen that you didn't agree with coming from judgmental folks, you still fight the good fight concerning your sons.  You stay focused on the future knowing that all you can do is show them better than you can tell them by being a good example.

I am most grateful to my Father in heaven for choosing me, a mere vessel, to impact so many through my hardships over the years.  I didn't understand at the time when I was crying what was really going on.  But I know now that serving a righteous God, you have to be right!  You have to do what is right and you have to walk right!  So I started with me, asking God to forgive me and later I learned to forgive others.

Parenting children, specifically sons, requires preparing them for leadership roles not mini-me roles. They will be leaders in workplaces possibly, in families, and elsewhere.  We are directing them to their rightful place as God intended--Adam and Jesus were both leaders.  They are to love and respect wives of their youth and their children and not to repeat the examples of children of darkness.  They are to be humble not prideful.  Choose love over hate.  Be kind to others rather than worry over what others can do for them.  They are to not only take but give and give generously.

I love my sons and I know part of loving them includes demonstrating tough love at times.  They are to not only hear about manhood, but see as well as experience it, God's way.  So in order to do that, they need their heavenly father above all else.  We are their mothers, but we are not God or doormats.  The weakness that they see in us is not there for them to manipulate, abuse, lust after, belittle, etc. but to learn from, provide support, and mature.  Where we are weak, God can use his called and chosen men to aid in making us strong.  Yet, if we don't do our parts not only preaching, but showing them by example, then we do them a disservice.

God bless our children.

Nicholl McGuire

Things You Will Absolutely Need Before The Baby Comes Home

Things You Will Absolutely Need Before The Baby Comes Home: Parenting blog for families of multi-age groups - newborns, tweens, and teens. Basic facts on raising children. Tips on shopping for children.

Tuesday

My Reaction to 4 Pregnancies Discoveries at Different Time Periods in My Life

Baby What!? - 1999

Oh no, so not ready!  I am 24 but feel like I'm 18!  I have plans--lots of them!  This can't be happening.  God do something, you know I'm not ready!  I didn't want to have a baby right now and not with this guy--he was supposed to be a friend--(sigh).

Baby Why? - 2000

Yes, why?  What was I thinking isn't this the guy--my so-called friend--who I caught creeping (he had been cheating and hiding his pagers at the time--yeah I just dated myself).  So why did I use the calendar method again!?  I married him, I really married this guy, so this is supposed to make things alright?  Still pregnant...still settling.

Baby When? - 2006

Newly divorced, new life, new guy.  Uh oh, I think I remember when.  I felt odd that night after our love-making.  Something was different, I felt like I didn't like him much afterward.  Yep, I remember when (oh boy!) That reaction turned into "not now" I really didn't feel like I knew my new boyfriend that well. Besides, I met him on the Internet.  Were we ever going to take that trip we both planned?  Nope.  I think I feel sick.   Baby two was supposed to be the last one--stupid doctor knew I was out of it when he asked me about getting my tubes tied--he said a long name--hell, I didn't know what he was saying!  Of course I would have said yes! I am a bit angry...what's up with the red tape...Baby three was supposed to be it--but they couldn't perform the fallopian tube removal surgery that August, so back into my room I went, crying--money, money (sigh).  I can feel it, another baby in my future--I don't want a daughter, God.

How? - 2007

April 2007 expect to deliver baby December 2007, you gotta be kidding!  God we had this talk already.  Seriously, how?  I took 28 birth control pills for 28 days and was on my way to the CVS to get my refill when I noticed my stomach was a little puffier than usual.  Doctor said he put me on a low dose birth control pill since I was breast-feeding and I forgot about back up protection (sigh).  Dad's reaction (same father of "When?"), attitude, lots of attitude.  The next nine months was interesting to say the least--had last baby successfully.  Thank God, future pregnancy complications if I don't get surgery, says nurse--yes!  Fallopian removal surgery a success.  I told you I didn't want anymore children.  Four sons is enough, thank you Jesus!

Nicholl

Tuesday

Imperfect Mother, No Perfect Children - book excerpt Tell Me Mother You're Sorry by Nicholl McGuire

The dedicated daughter or son who tried over the years to be perfect in the eyes of her imperfect mother is desperate for compliments, adoration and other similar things, because these children got either too much praise from their self-righteous mothers or too little. These grown children hope, expect, and appreciate people showering their mother's with admiration. However, there is a side effect to all the outside attention that they don't like and don't want to put up with and that is the comparison statements that come afterward. “Everyone else thinks I'm a good mother... why don't you all?  Your friends appreciate me more than you!”

Connecting with your own stressed out mother can cause stress for you and your baby.
Her need of attention isn't worth a miscarriage.

Mrs. Perfect plays victim and the “My own children don't love me” card to guilt them. She felt disrespected, unappreciated, and didn’t feel she had a voice with her own mother, so now she expects her children to fill the void. She prides herself on her self-righteous act that is enabled through community involvement, job performance, degrees, and accolades. With so much going on with her, you can't tell her she can't do any wrong, but she can and she will. If only she could be honest with herself and those around her, the perfect act would be unnecessary. These women work far too much to build reputations and even harder to keep those around them in line. Too much work for such a short time to live on planet earth.
Try this simple exercise. Say, “I’m not perfect.” Now say it again. Say it like you mean it. What is happening on the inside every time you say this? If you are sincere, there should be a weight coming off of you. If not, and you still carry affirmations within that sound like you believe yourself to be right, perfect, always honest, and other similar thoughts, then not only did you read about someone you know, you just might be the one described previously dumping your false sense of self on to your children.
The next time someone points out one of your faults, notice how you feel on the inside, listen to the words that come out of your mouth, and watch how you and the individual react to one another. Those who look to be validated on their perfection, praised for their actions, wish to be the center of attention, and other related things, will defend, argue, act vengeful, and cause the one who is pointing out their flaws some degree of discomfort. Just like the mother who thought her self to be perfect, so to her daughter and son can’t stand to be wrong.
“You know you were wrong when you said…I disagreed with that part about…You might want to think twice about…You really hurt my feelings,” the wounded perfect mom will fight even when there is no fight with others. She will act as if she knew someone’s intentions when she really didn’t. “What did you mean when you said…? I’m not wrong, you are! What about that time when you…Don’t judge me!” Rather than simply correct the wrong, she makes a scene, lies or exaggerates, argues with people, talks badly about them, points out your faults, and anything else that will make her appear to be right. Didn’t her mother do those things to her when she pointed out her flaws? History has a way of repeating itself and not for the good either! Then when she realizes she is behaving just like her mother, the woman might humble her self and work toward change or keep up her act of perfectionism until someone calls her out.

Get your copy today, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry (eBook) by Nicholl McGuire
Printed version of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry here

Friday

The Joy of Mother's Day to Those who Mean Well

Another major holiday approaches, Mother's Day, awww.  Such a beautiful day for loving, kind, precious, and thoughtful Moms.  However, it isn't the case for those who are incarcerated, toxic, crazy, and controlling.  One of the most painful things I had to do recently was listen to a story of a child who was told to do some despicable things by her mother.  High on drugs, the mother thought that telling her child to participate in a sexual act was okay.  Little did she know, her request would spread like wildfire all the way to the ears of child welfare.

I know what the retailers, family, friends, and past programming says about "Mother's Day" and it is very nice to do something for someone when you feel moved to do so, but there is nothing in the Holy Book that says it is a requirement.  Honoring comes in many ways and not just through a man-made holiday.  Some of us spent most of our lives acknowledging holidays until we got to a place where enough is enough!  How much money, time, and energy does one have to invest year after year after year...Some people have huge families with many mothers, money or time isn't always that generous.


People burden themselves with so many things including Mother's day and other holidays.  Some needy moms cry when their children don't bring them something, call or come by.  Really?  Why take things so personal?  Others threaten children or badmouth when they aren't acknowledged--you're their mom always will always will be. 

Some moms were never fit emotionally or physically to be moms yet they are hoping/wishing/waiting for some kind of pat on the back.  Weren't these the same moms who couldn't wait for their children to grow up and move away and "don't even think about bringing any grandchildren to me?" 

Yes, this holiday has many people twisted mentally even those who forget they weren't into motherhood like other mothers.  Let us all be reminded, you are called "blessed" and favored when you have the right relationship with the one who created you.  Further, you are appreciated and shown respect when you "do to others as you would have them do to you" -- Luke 6:31 (NIV). 

Seriously, some mothers, grandmothers, stepmothers, spiritual mothers and any other mother really need to get over themselves, confess wrongdoing and change from their mean-spirited ways--God sees the good as well as the evil beyond a holiday.

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry

Monday

School is Almost Out - Don't Be Pushed Into Doing Everything The Kids Want this Summer

Can you believe it?  Funny how time flies.  The children made it through another year and you did too, Mom. Good job!  You didn't do the unthinkable after a teacher said or did something that rubbed you the wrong way.  You didn't go up to the school and hurt that little boy or girl who gave your child misery.  You didn't go off on another parent over stealing a parking space...Congrats Moms everywhere for passing those life tests that grate your nerves.

Now for some of you new moms, it won't be long before you will be shuttling your child off to school.  Are they ready for Kindergarten yet?  If not, start doing the things to get them ready.  So what is on the agenda for the summer?  In a previous blog entry, I spoke about this topic.  But have you Moms made plans yet?

One thing I noticed with each school break was my children's need for not just more stuff (sigh), but they also wanted some downtime that wasn't scheduled with activities (outdoor trips) and nothing was required of them (chores).  With older children, you have to keep this in mind.  No child takes too kindly for long when their days are often dominated by adults. "Hey get ready we are going to...By the way don't forget to do...You really ought to....or else!"

Be sure to have what I called in the past on this blog, "Do nothing time" for the children.  It is a moment in the day where there is nothing but peace and quiet--they do nothing and so do you.  This can happen on weekends if you are a working mom.  They can lie down, sit down, or stare out the window, but the time is meant for life's activity to slow down.  You can play soft music or a slow show to help wind them down.

As much as sons and daughters push us to want to go here and there, buy this, and do that every time they have a school break, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the word, "No...not today.  Mom needs a time-out.  I don't have the money for that...no time for this."  The children might rant, throw things around, etc. due to your resistance, but SO WHAT! Yep, so what.  You can take some things they already have too.  One summer I took my children to the police station, told them ugly stories about some of their relatives who when they were young caused problems and the consequences they received...the anger outbursts were rare and then eventually "do nothing time" was appreciated especially after workbook, flashcard and educational games on the Internet time.  They were wore out--lol.

Mom, don't be bullied into filling every day up with stuff to do for "I'm so bored" children just because they are out of school.  Consider this the debt isn't worth it and before long they will be out the door forgetting about a lot of the stuff you did anyway until they have children of their own--lol.

Nicholl McGuire blog owner and mother of four sons (soon to be young adult, teenager, tween, and almost tween.)

Another blog worth checking out I manage, enjoy! http://parentsbabieschildren.blogspot.com


How To Handle Children During A Separation

Children will need to know that both parents love them.  But if parents are acting in foolish ways, the children will feel like they are all alone and unloved.  So do your best to have a reasonable separation always keeping in mind the children's best interests.


Things to remember:
  1. Don’t argue in front of them.
  1. Leave your new mates out of the transition process. For instance, they don’t need to be the one who drops them off, walk up to your ex’s doorstep, or even be seen riding with the new girlfriend or boyfriend in the car every time you pick up or drop the children off. On occasion you may be riding with him or her, but don’t make it a habit. Sometimes children just want that time with dad or mom to themselves.
  1. Answer questions when the children ask. Discuss possible questions they may ask beforehand with the ex so that both of you will be repeating the same story. They may want to know why mommy and daddy are not together a thousand times, answer them a thousand times.
  1. Tell the truth about your feelings toward your ex, once the child becomes an adult and initiates the conversation. Don’t volunteer information.
  1. Make the children’s environment pleasant when they come to visit. Clean and comfortable. New bed sheets, cabinets and drawers they can place their toys in, favorite pictures hanging on the walls, a new toy and plans to go somewhere that is fun. Be sure to have favorite foods and treats in the refrigerator and in cabinets, but not in excess. They still need to eat healthy! Don’t watch adult movies, leave adult magazines lying around, look at adult images on the computer and listen to music around them that you know is inappropriate.
  1. If you and the new girl or boyfriend, do not live together, when the children are around, make the time for your children. If the children will be staying for the whole summer, then fit in time to spend with the girl or boyfriend, but try not to make it daily. Children will get jealous. Don’t include the mate in all the family activities, go some places without her or him.
  1. When children are suddenly misbehaving more, talk with them. Find out how they feel about mom and dad separating, two separate houses, babysitters, new mates and whatever else you may think are causing the changes in behavior.
  1. Don’t talk negatively about your ex to the children or in front of them. Conversations about the ex should occur when the children aren’t around. Be sure they are not hiding somewhere in the house eavesdropping on your conversations.
  1. Avoid drugs and drinking alcohol around your children. They will tell someone about your partying no matter how much you tell them to not speak about it.
  1. Don’t get your children involved in adult matters. If you lost your job, got caught in a scandal, went to jail, broke up with your girl or boyfriend, etc. Be vague when talking to them, it isn’t necessary to give them all the details. Children sometimes will take mom and dad’s pain personally and will react in ways that we don’t quite understand. Remember they are children, not adults allow them to enjoy their childhood. Preserve their innocence.
Although these tips seem simple enough, putting them into practice can be challenging particularly when dealing with an argumentative, hot-tempered or selfish former partner.  Remain in control and envision a future when your children will respect you for doing the best you could to maintain peace during this tough time.

Nicholl McGuire

Tweens Talk About Parent Communication

Facing Personal Fears - worry, stress, anxiety

Monday

Does Stressed Mom Need a Gift or Some Love?

You are a mother.  You are a mother who is stressed.  You are a mother who is not only stressed, but don't feel so good about the upcoming holiday.  Whether your own mother is alive or not, you realize that another celebration of mom and/or you is not what you need right now.  Then say so.  Maybe you have decided you are not cooking, visiting, party planning, or expecting anything from anyone. 

You just want love, Mom, I get it.  A hug will do, an "I love you" is sweet, and some time alone is also good.  A cheap husband, boyfriend or relative will applaud your simple request, but if one feels it in his or her heart to do something nice so be it--embrace it.  Yet, these days love is what you and others most likely appreciate more.

We  have lived in a world of much confusion, anger, bitterness, jealousy and more and with each passing day it seems to be getting worse.  A stressed mother feels like she is the sun revolving around the world rather than the sun revolving around her.  She is trying very hard to make a partner, children, co-workers, relatives, and others happy and bring light to the darkness that maybe in their lives.  Yet, Mom is not only tired, but angry because the more she does for others, the more they expect from her even when a holiday approaches. 

When Mother decides to retreat, take a break, and distance herself from people, she is viewed as not a nice person and is "God with her."  Her anticipated break she takes for herself may be days, weeks, or even years depending on how worn out she is emotionally and/or physically.  Sometimes there is no break, she has simply made up in her mind she is so over people, places and things that she remains distant.

A Mother's Day gift is nice for you or someone that you know, but what is most important is love near or from afar.  Love conquers all.  You don't have to know the mom who needs love and she doesn't have to know you, simply wish her well, say a prayer and put her in God's hands.  Think of  those around you who are experiencing much pressure from parenting to work and then along comes another holiday that might not be so positive for them (many people no longer have their moms around due to distance or death).  And you thought you had it bad?

You attract love when you are willing to receive it, so welcome it and allow peaceful moments to revive you.  Avoid the temptation to fill every moment of the day with activity.  When you need an extra pair of hands, use them.  The benefit to this upcoming season is that there are those who will be willing to help you just because it is Mother's Day.  So appreciate them and make those requests.

Nicholl McGuire

Mother's Day Gift Idea - What should you look for in an essential oil diffuser?

Diffusers

Before we begin with the topic of what to look for in an essential oil diffuser, let’s quickly go over what an essential oil actually is. This is a natural substance that carries the fragrance of a herb or flower in a concentrated form following its distillation. Essential oils have been used to make perfume and other cosmetic products for millennia. Their fragrances are still considered wholesome supplements that are an inseparable part of a clean and natural way of life.

Not all perfume is made with essential oils. A lot of cosmetic companies rely on preservatives and artificial chemicals, as they are cheaper. Of course, this is not the best option. As the benefits of inhaling powerful essential oils are widely recognized, even undeniable, a lot of people purchase diffusers.

A diffuser helps disperse an essential oil into interior space. The welcoming, pleasant fragrance is slowly released, resulting in a sense of calm and relaxation that would not be so easy to achieve otherwise, i.e. by relying on fully natural scents.

Unobtrusive and elegant

Aesthetic appeal is a top consideration when it comes to selecting the right diffuser. This is understandable, as essential oils appeal not only to our sense of smell but also to our eyes. If you are reading this, you are someone who knows the importance of the appeal to the senses, so you will agree that the design of the diffuser should be a key consideration.

One model of the Young Living Aria essential oil diffuser, for example, is shaped like a rosebud and looks great on a mantelpiece or natural wood table. It's off-white and purple exterior is aesthetically pleasing, efficient and functional.  Alternatively, you could opt for the Deneve Riverock, which is black and white, also unobtrusive, and specifically safe to use with citrus oils (not all essential oil diffusers are).

Tank size, runtime, light features

The Riverock has a runtime of up to 5 hours and a tank size of 70 ml. This is a relatively short runtime and a small tank size, which some may see as a disadvantage. It can cover an area of 250 sq. ft. It is elegant and modern, making it perfect if you are planning to place it in a visible location in your home or office. It’s even great for the bedroom because the LED light band around it isn’t too bright, and if the LED is turned off, it emits no light at all. The black model features a nice light effect due to the color-changing light band reflected by the dark hemispheres. It shuts off automatically when the tank is empty, making it safe to use when you are busy or asleep.

Another option is the PureSpa Deluxe. It's light band changes color, a pleasant and vibrant effect. It has the edge over the Riverock when it comes to runtime and tank size - up to 10 hours and 120 ml. It covers approximately the same area as the Riverock. It also shuts off automatically, but should not be used with citrus oils.

Sunday

DIY Mother's Day Gifts

Compost Tumbler Review

Do you feel frustrated in your search for the right compost tumbler? You decided to start making compost, but are struggling with the vast choice of tumblers that is available? Read on to learn more about the different types of tumbles and some top ideas!

Growing vegetables and fruit in your garden with organic, fresh, homemade compost is an amazing experience. You know what you are eating, because you are making it yourself. No more overpriced greenhouse “food.” No more standard, terrible, chock full of nitrates, mass produced stuff.

Our health depends on us. We are what we eat. Growing your food, real, healthy food, is a reasonable and great thing to do. You are helping save the planet by recycling and reusing your  organic waste; and you aren’t using any fossil fuels to achieve this, because composting is an entirely natural process. Compost can be used to improve the health of your plants. This compost covers the circle of life, especially if you're growing edibles.

Now moving on to the tumblers – it's why you came here. We’ll start with an excellent professional review. The Jora 70 Gallon 270 Compost Tumbler makes it easy to produce  fertilizer. It has two chambers, enabling prolonged use. You can add organic materials to one chamber, while the ones in the other compartment mature. This  compost means you can make and use it at the same time.

Thanks to its full insulation, the tumbler can make compost in less than a month. In comparison, some take up to 9 months to make. It can also compost in winter.

Jora is ideal for large families and larger households in general as well as restaurants and schools. It will last for years, because it's from galvanized steel. On the downside, it's more expensive than mulch, but worth it. Its high capacity makes it unsuitable for smaller homes. You need some technical skills to mount it (with screws on the wall, screws sold separately).

Jora comes with rodent proof features and can operate in different climates. Because composting produces heat and the various materials you use work at different temperatures, it can be challenging to achieve a rich, even compost. The Jora heats up to 160 degrees, which is sufficient to composts any and all organic materials. These will start breaking down, before they rot and begin to attract rodents.

The fact that you have to rotate the tumbler regularly can be a bit frustrating, but this is key to the creation of good compost. You must ensure that air is getting into the mixture to make composting faster. The tumbler’s full insulation keeps rodents out. It also reduces odors and is elevated. All you need to do is add organic waste and turn the tumbler by hand. New waste comes into contact with forming compost. Turning the compost bin ensures supply of oxygen, so that the microbes carrying out the decomposition survive. Do not put animal waste, fish or meat in.

Wednesday

Prepare for the Summer Break - Your Child's Educational, Emotional Weaknesses

Soon summer break will be here and so will long days of boredom with many children.  The school year reveals a lot about children and what their educational, emotional or physical needs are.  Sit back and think about the following and begin your quest to get your child some needed help so that he or she will be prepared for the next school year.  Think about the catalysts behind why your son or daughter had challenges this year.  Take some time to interview him or her.

1)  Misbehaving in the classroom, easily distracted.

2)  Talking disrespectfully to teachers and peers.

3)  Not completing homework.

4)  Weak in areas of math, reading, writing, comprehension, etc.

5)  Unable to work with others.

6)  Very talkative.

7)  Emotional outbursts.

8)  Poor study habits.

9)  Increase physical illnesses.

10)  Tardy to classes.

Take a look at those report cards, notes, test results, and other communication that was given to you during the school year.  Check out what parents have done online to help their children break bad habits.  Find out from the school what local resources are offered this summer to help children.

Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

Common Mouth Problems Stressed Out Moms Need to Watch

Are you constantly hitting new levels of stress because of the kids at home you have to deal with? As a new mom, stress is the biggest factor you need to watch out for. Your mouth may be in danger because of the huge amount of pressure you’re under. Dental specialists all over the world report increased incidence of tooth issues from stressed out moms, especially new mothers. Dentists are almost always able to tell if you are stressed out, because it shows in your mouth in many ways. Here are some of the ways in which dental quality is impacted by how stressed you are.

Bruxism (or the Grinding Disorder)

Bruxism is the medical name given to the phenomenon where you grind your teeth a lot. You usually see this happening when you’re asleep, or because you have a deformity in your mouth. Both of these are forms of the condition, which can also be set off by high amounts of stress in your life. If you’re nervous, anxious, or just flustered, you’re more likely to vent by grinding your teeth, usually without even knowing that you are doing it. Now, it is very possible that you’re doing it right now and not realizing it. You have to look for the symptoms so you can nip it in the bud.

Some common signs include noticing a rather peculiar flatness in the tips of your teeth. This is usually more pronounced in the canines (the pointed teeth next to your incisor teeth at the front). You will also see thinner enamel in your teeth which leads to the feeling of “electricity” every time something hits a sensitive part of your tooth. There will also likely be small pits in your tongue where it got in the way of your clenched teeth.

Cankers (Sores in Your Mouth Lining)
Cankers are extremely common signs of stress. They are also a part of Bruxism and can result directly from it. You usually get them on the inside of your mouth, such as in the soft flesh of your inner cheek lining. You can feel them with your tongue if you probe around. They aren’t contagious, so your baby is not at risk. However, they are a sign that you are incredibly stressed out. Studies have shown that cankers are more common in people who are going through major life events at the time.

Gingivitis and Other Gum Problems

This is also caused by your stress levels. The more emotional and stressed you are, the more likely you are to have gum disease. Your risk of cavities also increases as time goes by and you remain in a state of stress. It is important that you see a dentist if you see the signs of gum disease. Left untreated, it can lead to far more severe conditions such as toxicity and tooth decay. Take the time to visit a dentist regularly when you’re a new mom – you never know when you might need help with your teeth. With the right care, you may be able to nip other mental conditions in the bud too!

Wednesday

What to Do When You Discover Your Son is a Father

In his early forties, he would have never thought it would happen to him, a father, former boxer now a grandfather. His handsome 16 going on 17 year old son, popular, a high school football player, now a father! “How could this be?” the father thought. He cussed, fussed, acted violently with anyone who was in his way. “I don’t want to be a grandfather! He told me he was using condoms! He said she put the condom on! I told him never let a girl put the condom on! She poked holes in it! I can’t believe this!” But he had to believe it. After the anger wore off, he and his son’s mother had to figure out something, but what?

You may be in a similar situation. So what do you do? The first step is to find your peace of mind, so that you can be of assistance to your child and his girlfriend. What that means is find someone or something that can help you take control of your thoughts and emotions so that you can think clearly. Some people take vacations during the heat of a crisis and others consult with a beloved family member or friend. Without peace of mind, you will only further aggravate the already complicated situation.

In the true story described earlier, the girl’s mother had a hard time hearing about her 15 year old daughter being pregnant. The gorgeous girl was an honors student and all her mother could do was witness her child’s future flash and then disappear before her eyes. She was so hurt by her daughter’s irresponsibility that she said some hurtful things about her boyfriend and her daughter to the both of them, the kind of things that may forever scar both children. The mother wasn’t ready to be a grandmother. She was so emotionally wounded, that she kicked her daughter out the minute she heard the news. The girl had nowhere to go, but to her boyfriend’s home. At least his parents had found their peace of mind in time to open their doors to her. But it wouldn’t be easy for the girl to live in her boyfriend’s parent’s home, for they would now preach abstinence despite it being less than a couple of years prior to the pregnancy that the boy’s father was providing him with condoms. The mother-to-be was to sleep on the couch in the basement while the father was to remain in his room during the night. They could never be in any part of the house alone.

So how do you handle the news that your son and his girlfriend are pregnant?

Assuming that you already spoke to your son, meet with him again. Find out if his thoughts about his situation have changed. How are the girl’s parents handling the news, that is, if she told them? Does she plan on getting an abortion? Does your son want her to abort? You may run into a situation where he doesn’t want the child and she does. Then what? He may be willing to give over all his rights to the child’s mother, but does that mean that future child support payments will go away? Can she still sue? You will need to consult with an attorney to find out all the details.

Your son and his girlfriend may agree to give the child up for adoption. Someone within your family or hers may want to care for the baby until they can manage. Whatever he and his girlfriend may decide, avoid the temptation to name call, talk about how miserable their life will be, or say or do anything that could jeopardize your relationship with your child and future grandchild. Your son and/or his girlfriend may be in a fragile state of mind and you don’t want to be responsible for pushing him or her over the edge.
    
Meet with the couple

Once you and your son have talked, arrange a date to meet with his girlfriend. You will want to know what her intentions are. There may be discrepancies in their story, she may have changed her mind concerning the baby, and she may be having trouble communicating with her own parents and friends. Provide any advice that could help the both of them.

Meet with the parents

You will want to notify the girl that you will be contacting her parents. Arrange to meet with them either in the presence of a school administrator, a teen pregnancy counselor, or some other person who can act as a witness. In the event that there is ever a future legal battle, you do not want to be making agreements with these people that could be used against you later. Think about what questions you will ask her parents such as what are their intentions concerning the care of the baby. Will they be buying diapers, food, milk etc. for the newborn as well?

Meet with the school

Contact a school nurse and/or counselor to provide you with a list of teen pregnancy resources in your area. Your son and his girlfriend will need to be present so that they can apply for free aid.

Arrange parenting classes and any other special program you have heard about

Once you, your son and/or his girlfriend have made appointments, he or she should conduct any research on obtaining employment until the baby arrives. Unfortunately, now that a baby is on the way, some of those extracurricular activities may have to be dropped temporarily unless the family is willing to chip in for the care of their future addition while the children start focusing on completing high school.

If neither parent on either side wants the young couple and their newborn to live with them, learn about independent living programs in your area for teen parents. The program criteria is different depending on where the teen lives, how old he or she is, whether they income qualify, etc.

Make room in your home

If the children do not qualify for independent living, you or her parents will need to figure out how to make room in your home for baby items. You will also have to consider finding some place in the home for your son to care for his baby when he or she awakes through the night especially if there are other young children living in the home.

Join a support group

Receiving news about your child having a child isn’t easy and being around others who understand and can empathize with your struggle can bring your spirits up. Avoid being around people who can’t be of any assistance to you or your son. The last thing you need right now is someone igniting your fire by blaming and judging you as a parent or negatively commenting about your child’s action or inaction.

As a believer, remember to pray.  You will need the hand of God to help you during challenging times with your son and his family.

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and the author of When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.



Monday

Prepare for the Next School Break Now

One of the bravest things a mother can do for herself and her child is know when to let go and just do it!  It doesn't matter the child's age, when things are getting out of control and you feel as a mother that you can't do much more for your child, pick up the phone!  Some moms probably did just that this last break.  In the near future, other moms will end up not doing too much to get some assistance because they falsely believe they can do everything on their own.  This is why we see or hear of children being abused or worse dying in the care of moms.  If you have a newborn or toddler and you are feeling a bit frustrated or at your wits end, start looking for resources that offer child care.  There are programs out there that are discounted and even free for a time.  But you don't know if you don't look.  Check with human services department in your city, churches, mother support groups, and online ads related to childcare programs or home daycare.

Spring breaks (or any school breaks) can be grueling.  Your money, time, and patience is only going to go so far before you look at the calendar and say, "Thank God, back to school."  So before the next break, put an action plan together for yourself and the children.  Know what you are going to do when things get rough again at home.  The following is a list to help plan for the next break which is the longest of them all, summer break (sigh).

1.  Save money for activities.  Start now signing them up for stuff if you haven't already.

2.  Find out what events are happening in other neighborhoods where your relatives live and make plans with them to take your children to them during the summer.  This way you have some relief.

3.  List family freebies and discounted days at restaurants and elsewhere.  Note them on your personal calendar.  This way you don't have to cook on those days.

4.  Check in with friends and find out what their plans are for their children this summer.

5.  Plan what you will do when children are unable to go outside.  Do you have some fun things for them?  Rotate toys and don't allow them to see and play with everything all at once.  This way when you pull the fun stuff out of storage it will be like Christmas time for them this summer. 

6.  Talk with tweens and teens about household chores and work.  There are sites online that pay children 13 years and up so start searching.  Schedule days for them to work.  Check with relatives who are in need of help and talk with them about paying the children for tasks.  This way you can relieve some stress on your wallet.

7.  Share concerns with your Creator, a person of faith who can pray for you or a counselor.  When you are able to communicate family matters with someone, you are better able to deal with children.  Also, they don't feel so much tension emanating from you.

Nicholl McGuire
When Mothers Cry Author

Wednesday

Are Your Children Dominating Your World?

You love them.  They mean a lot to you.  You would do almost anything for them.  But are your children everything to you?  Now before you are quick to say, "No."  Answer the following:

1)  Do you find yourself rearranging your schedule to suit them even when you could ask others for assistance?

2)  Do you show up at most events and when you are unable to attend do you viciously argue with others about why they should be at your child/children's performances?

3)  Do you have frequent headaches because you expect your children to be the best at whatever they do and when they fall short you have a long list of consequences?

4)  Do you threaten others about your children sometimes over the most mundane things?

5)  Has your marriage or dating relationships come to a swift end because someone spoke up about the way you treat your children?

6)  Are you in much debt because of children?  How about you take a moment and check your bank account, credit card, and personal loan statements, are your children's requests showing up?  How much did you spend last year on toys, activities, unplanned grocery items, crafts, entertainment, etc.?

7)  Do you fight with the desire to do for you or do for them even over the littlest of things like whether you should avoid buying lunch at work for yourself v/s ordering them a pizza or whatever else they like after work?

8)  Do you find yourself skipping a bill payment just so that you can buy something like a Nintendo Switch for your child or some other item merchants have brainwashed our children into believing they must have?

9)  Do you have relatives or friends who don't feel comfortable around you due to your overreactions regarding your children?

10)  Are your children getting in the way of your personal time with God?

Image used under license from Freestock.com
Now that you answered those questions, hopefully honestly, consider the time, energy, sacrifice, money, and more that you give up for your children.  Should they be esteemed like this?  Are they more important than your marriage, personal hobbies, employment, and more?  Remember children are in our lives for a season obeying us, but then they will no longer be all that agreeable and will want lives their own.  Then what?  Your life is either starting or is revolving around your children for any number of factors such as:

  • A spouse no longer likes or loves you so you use the children to fulfill personal needs.
  • Family and friends who are often busy and don't have much time or energy to be there for you, but "Hey, there is always the kids and all their activities."
  • Too much extended family involvement to the point that they have driven you toward your children so you use them as an excuse.
  • Your faith has been stagnant for years and God is no longer important (if he ever was), but those "idols" are there and so you worship them.
  • You don't like your job so any excuse to leave it for the kids.
  • You are running away from other responsibilities by spending more on them for the temporal pleasure of feeling good that you did many things for your children.
  • You feel like you need to prove something to your spouse so you go overboard helping your children even when they don't need or want your help.

You probably can list a few more reasons why your children are all-too-important these days.

Sometimes parents feel guilty about a number of things and others use their remarkable treatment of their children to cover up some dark things within and around them.  As we all know, too much of anything isn't good and sooner or later the act will be revealed.  For other doting yet obsessed parents, they will unfortunately start to resent their children sooner or later.

"Look at all the things I have done, gave up for you....and you treat me like this," yells Mom.
The child might respond, "And I didn't ask you to do all those things!  Besides weren't you really doing all this for your SELF?"

Wow, powerful truth, take heed now before it's too late!

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner, author and speaker on faith-based YouTube channel: NM Enterprise 7 

Tuesday

How to Care for Baby Teeth

Seeing your child's teeth for the first time is one of the cutest and most momentous occasions in your life as a parent. After months of watching them drool and gnaw on random objects, they finally have that first microscopic tooth emerging. A full set of baby teeth will replace that annoying grandma smile in a couple of years. According to smilesonyonge.ca, child tooth care is extremely critical. Some people think it isn’t because all of these teeth will one day be replaced by permanent teeth. You still need to care for them, though.

Gum Care for Babies

Gums need to be taken care of right after they have been born. Do not use a toothbrush or toothpaste at the start – they are still very sensitive to chemicals like fluoride. Instead, get yourself a soft cloth that is moist, or even a damp bit of gauze. Twice a day, instead of brushing, wipe your baby’s gums. This task should ideally be done right after feeding them, or right before they go to bed. Cleaning the gums down prevents bacteria from building up on the gums, and leaving plaque behind that could start eating away at your baby’s teeth, the second they begin to emerge.
What About Brushing Their Teeth?
You can start brushing their teeth when their first tooth emerges from their gums. You should pick an unique baby brush with a soft set of bristles, a tiny head, and a large, easy-grip handle. Don’t use the toothbrush at the start. Just wet the brush and use it instead. Start using toothpaste the size of a grain, and then increase it gradually to a pea-sized amount as more teeth begin to come in. The toothpaste should ideally be fluoride based and made for children. Over the course of about three years, increase the size of the amount of toothpaste.
Teething and Maturity
You have to keep brushing at least twice a day, until your baby can hold their brush when they are a toddler. This chore doesn’t mean you let them do it on their own, though. You have to supervise the brushing for as long as you can, or until your child can spit their toothpaste out without you having to help them. This phase usually happens when they are six-years-old.
Teething is the process by which your child’s first teeth erupt through their gums. It is every bit as painful as it sounds. Over the course of two whole years, the baby teeth make their way through the gums to the surface. Babies cry, drool, have gum pain and toothache, and can even have a slight temperature while teething!
You can relieve the pain by rubbing their gums with your finger (clean, of course), or by purchasing special teething rings that your baby can munch on to help the teeth emerge faster and to numb the gums, so they don’t hurt as much. Try to make whatever you put in their mouth as relaxed as possible.

Friday

30 Simple Ways To Organize and Declutter Your Kitchen

30 Simple Ways To Organize and Declutter Your Kitchen: How to organize blog for people who love to home organize, clean up a workspace, organize closet, prepare for guests--enjoy organizing your life!

Tuesday

Is Toothbrush Cleaning Truly Necessary?

Is Toothbrush Cleaning Truly Necessary?: Parenting blog for families of multi-age groups - newborns, tweens, and teens. Basic facts on raising children. Tips on shopping for children.

Monday

Let's Talk on Chirbit....When Mothers Cry Blogger Nicholl McGuire



Parenting frustrations?  Issues with the other parent?
Too many trials to handle?

A variety of topics on a growing podcast, see Chirbit below
and reply with a response via your recording device.

Join today!
Speaker, When Mothers Cry author, Nicholl McGuire

Saturday

Presevering through the storms - book excerpt from When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire

Storm clouds will always come in relationships, but it is up to all of us to prepare for the pending storm by taking care of self first. Where are your hat, raincoat, boots, and umbrella? If you are a Christian, where is your spiritual body armor? Did you leave them at home in the back of the closet or on a shelf collecting dust? This is what we do as mothers. We make sure everyone else has their protection but us! Meanwhile, we go into storms with our partner, children, and relatives without a covering. This may be why many mothers end up with children in the first place. They go into physical relationships without protection for their heart or vagina. I will be the first to admit that is how most of my children came about and when I did get protection for one of them it was ineffective!


We think we have to be strong for everyone, but when we are down whose holding us up? If you don't have a faith or something or someone to help you when you are down then you are in trouble.

Our relationships will always be tested. From in-laws to money woes, everyone needs a plan for when the trials and tribulations come. Some mothers who don't pray any other time or only pray for certain things like money and protection will holler, "Help! Pray for me church!"

In every past relationship, I have always asked my partner questions about situations before we entered them particularly where in-laws are involved. I want to know what to say or do beforehand so that I am not the one offending or coming home stressed about them too. In my experience, when it comes to men in relationships, I find that they can put on special glasses when it comes to family and friends making it hard for some of these momma's boys to see the truth...What is the truth you may ask? It could be a number of things from how an in-law "really" feels about you and the children to how they treat your side of the family. You may recall experiences where your partner's relative or friend said or done something to you or your children and you went to your partner expecting him to handle the matter, comfort you, and take up for you and the children, but instead he tried to convince you that what you saw "really" wasn't what you saw, what you heard wasn't "really" what they meant, or what they did. You argue your point you tell him the truth about the family member or friend and he acts as if he doesn't care about your feelings. There are many mothers that are weeping inside presently about this issue...

I don't understand why so many mothers who are prone to getting their feelings hurt by the same people at family gatherings will continue to attend them only to experience the same problems year after year?...

At some point you would think that a mother will see that the tensed environment she keeps taking her children into is not good for them. Eventually, your little toddler will become a teen and will ask, "Why do we go to these things Mom, because you know all you are going to do is get mad at everybody?"

By the time your child becomes a man or woman, he or she will have heard or saw so much negativity from you that he or she will most likely avoid the drama altogether. So don't bother to ask, "Why don't you ever come to the get-togethers?" If your son or daughter grows up not to be fearful of hurting your feelings, he or she will probably say (or may have already said,) "I don't enjoy being around certain family members and I am not going to force myself to like being around people that don't like you or me." If this is ever said or something similar, accept it coming from your son or daughter. Don't try to force them to go to a family event that they wouldn't enjoy no matter how important it means to you.

Sometimes sons and daughters can be great counselors for parents in crisis because they talk about issues that we, as parents, try to avoid. Maybe your son or daughter has a point. It would be wise to listen and respect their opinions.

Get the book wherever books are sold online and if you don't see this book, recommend it to the store.  Nicholl McGuire is also the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and other self improvement nonfiction books.

2-4 Unconsciously Programming People to do Evil - serious videos


Tuesday

10 Mistakes Parents Do that Spoil Their Adult Children

You may have witnessed your mother, father or a guardian do some things that were questionable in how they raised you or other siblings.  You may have vowed you wouldn’t do what they did with your own.  Yet, to be sure, you might want to use the following as a checklist on what you may or may not be doing to enhance your relationship with your teenagers and/or adult children.

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1 – Staying with your spouse for the sake of your children.  You know that you don’t want to be with your spouse anymore, but you stay because of the children.  This kind of thinking causes more harm than good.  The reason is you are not emotionally available to your children like you think.  You aren’t happy and everyone knows it.  Your anger outbursts, sadness, impatience, and other negative behaviors your children are experiencing.  Do yourself and everyone a big favor, put a genuine smile on your face for once and find a place that brings you peace and makes your children feel welcome.  In time, you and your spouse will agree it was the best decision for the both of you.

2 – Loving them more than you.  You didn’t receive the love from your spouse that you needed, so you yearn for that love from your children.  You expect them to call you everyday, take care of you, spend time with you, and some of you are actually doing some things that won’t be mentioned here, but you know what they are.  Stop.  Make up in your mind to stop seeking attention from your children.  They will never be able to give you the love that a spouse can give.  By behaving in these ways, you are hurting your children and eventually you will have to face the consequences of your actions.  If you ever wonder why some families have so many problems with their children and grandchildren it is usually because parents have a perverted way of expressing their love toward their children.

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3 – Lying for them.  When your children bring trouble to your doorstep, you find yourself lying to family, friends, and local authorities.  Then after you tell lies, they only get in trouble again.  Allow them to be accountable for their actions.  You will cry and so will they, because they will feel you weren’t there for them, but in the end they will be a better person if you just step aside.

4 – Giving them money whenever they need it.  This is just the start of a never-ending cycle that teaches them nothing more than to come to you every time they have a problem. However, what happens when you die?  Your children will have to face a society that will not care about them as much as you.  Don’t leave them in this world without survival skills.

5 – Finding ways to get them out of trouble.  Whether you ask family members for money, lie or steal to help your children, these tactics will not aid them in becoming productive citizens in society.  You may or may not know this but your family is talking about you and you may have ruined some relationships, because of your children.

6 – Making excuses for them when they fall short.  When people ask you about your children, you find yourself making up stories to make them and you look good, but the reality is you and your children have problems.  Eventually you will be found out and rather than telling the truth, you will want to blame others and use circumstances for why your children aren’t doing well.

7 – Allowing them to disrespect you.  They call you names, raise their voices, and do things that disrupt your life and you don’t stand up for yourself.  Remind yourself that you brought them into this world and you will not tolerate this type of behavior any longer.  If it means you have to distance yourself and take things away to gain your respect, then do it.


8 – Acting their age instead of your own age.  Parents aren’t cool talking the same way their children talk or dressing like them.  Sometimes you may be able to make a point with a few choice words, but avoid the temptation to stoop to their level.  You want your children to respect you, a good way of testing whether they do, is just listen to how they talk about you to their friends. 

9 – Using manipulative tactics to get what you want.  They may not know it now, but they will find out in time that you were using money, guilt, and other ways to get them to do what you want.  When they find out, it will be a challenge to win them over again.  Depending on what you did, they may never get over it and will treat you badly.  You are getting older, the last thing you want to do is make a child resent you when they may ultimately be the one who will have to care for you.

10 – Interfering in their relationships with others.  Your child comes to you with a relationship problem and you immediately tell them what to do without knowing all the facts.  You notice your child doesn’t spend as much time with you now that he or she is dating.  You find that your child is acting differently now that someone has come into his or her life.  Jealousy takes over and you do or say something to influence their relationship.  How will they become their own person?  They won’t when you are too busy trying to create a mini-version of yourself.  If you want them to be happy and have healthy relationships, let them solve their own dilemmas.  It will be a good test for you to see how well you raised them.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and When Mothers Cry
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Over 20 years office work experience, six years completed college coursework, background in print media and communications, recognized for exceptional attendance and received merit increase for past job performance, self-published author and part-time entrepreneur, Internet marketing and social media experience. Interned for non-profit organization, women's group and community service business. Additional experience: teaching/training others, customer service and sales. Learn more at Nicholl McGuire and Nicholl McGuire Media

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