Lazy Parenting, Grandparenting - ineffective, selfish, little or no discipline

You are the mother who is the least favorite in your household.  You are the grandmother who has zero tolerance for foolish behaviors coming from spoiled grandchildren.  The critics don't like you when you admit that you take toys away, spank when necessary, or don't spend money or time on children when they are acting disrespectfully.  You are angered by those whose idea of good parenting is buying everything a child wants while spending most free days sitting down watching the child play with toys or doing very little just to say, "I'm a grandparent."  As the child grows up, there are no requirements from the ineffective parent or grandparent to do anything for the household.  No teachings on gratefulness, love, forgiveness, hard work, discipline, etc.

Critics who don't believe in "training up a child in the way he or she should go..." are typically ineffective when it comes to dealing with children.  They are the ones who seek ways to do things with children without having to be too involved.  However, their suggestions tend to be lazy like an uninformative "5 Tips..." instruction list that lacks detailed strategies.  The short cuts they use only fix things temporarily, but don't get long term results.  Sure, a toddler stops crying when he or she has food in his or her mouth, but is the issue of not touching grandma's favorite items resolved?  What about the tween who knows better not to curse, but insists on dropping a few nasty words anyway?  Is telling the child repeatedly to stop cursing resolving anything?  And how about the teen who walks away every chance he gets while disrespecting his mother, sister and other members of the family?  Is a long talk going to cut the behavior?

The people who allow children to get their way while fighting those who speak wise counsel about their beloved children in an effort to combat defiance, disrespect, and other challenges are those who are still very much wounded children.  The hurting (no matter the age) often think about their feelings and what negative things transpired when they were young, that they become ineffective parents.  They project their own personal experiences on to the other parent who is attempting to raise children to be responsible.  However, the wounded parent is going to try to save the day without casting away childish ways, feelings and more.  The hurting mother or father, with unresolved issues of the past, might even use children to gang up on the other parent or grandparent in the hopes that the "big, bad mom or dad" will just disconnect from children or grandchildren, leave the family home, divorce, or separate.  The past hurts and we all have our stories, but that should have no bearing on effective discipline and healthy attempts at parenting children to be responsible, productive and quality members of society.  This is something that lazy parents fail to see, rather  they insist on holding grudges against any authority figure who corrects their children.  They believe children are often right while adults responsible for them are wrong.  Despite the lies that drip from children's mouths, the mean-spiritedness that some may have, and the psychological assessments and grade proof that show a child is troubled in some way, the ineffective parents will continue to act as if their children are "fine, good alright, okay" when the evidence says otherwise.

Lazy parents and grandparents are also selfish.  They don't sacrifice their pleasures to be proactive in children's lives.  They provide the bare minimum when it comes to parenting a child and meeting physical needs. If the requested items the children or grandchildren want keep them out of their hair then they might buy them.  The motivation for getting them is the benefit to these selfish people more so then that of the child.  Another gaming console?  No problem.  The child will be preoccupied with that rather than request wanting to be a part of a sport which would require the parent or grandparent to drive them  to many events and stay for games.  If the child has many friends, the relative doesn't have to be involved that much since Tommy and Bobby's parents are taking the kids out and about most often.

When a lazy and selfish parent or grandparent is needed to step up to the plate and do more for his or her child due to things like:  slipping grades, needed school supplies, mental health aid, and physical needs, he or she complains, finds fault with the requestors, and may even punish the child in some way.  They hate being inconvenienced and they definitely don't want to dig deep into their pockets to pay for yet another needed item that is simply no benefit to them.

Rules need not apply to the parents and grandparents who think that defying authoritarians is something of a mental game that they might personally amuse themselves with.  They encourage children in covert or overt ways not to listen to mothers, teachers, doctors, employers and others when they should.  There will be those times in a child's life where listening just might save their lives. The father who tells sons not to pay attention to mom's instruction because "she is having a bad day, crazy...doesn't know what she is talking about..." is also indirectly teaching them to ignore all other females as well including teachers.  "Listen to me, Sons..." he emphasizes, yet in time the children will stop listening to their dad when his actions are inconsistent, self-righteous, controlling, and outright disrespectful. 

The same power and control tactics used to teach Junior or daughter to ignore, belittle, mistreat, and more the other parent or grandparent will come back to haunt these children later in their personal relationships.  Not only that, the negatively brainwashed children who grow up to become adults in need of committed partners just might have a hard time having quality relationships.  This occurs as a result of the child growing up witnessing or listening to many disrespectful incidents between parents, grandparents and others.  Later, he or she reasons that being loud, threatening, violent, or even giving silent treatment to one's partner is functional behavior when in all actuality it is dysfunctional.

As much as we might like or even love some of these people, who might think that they are making life easier for their children and grandchildren with all their coddling, spoiling, and more, the truth is they are really making it harder for them.  Giving Junior everything, taking his side on just about anything, and believing one to be a great parent or grandparent just because one doesn't believe a child needs more emotional support, is doing nothing more than raising another human being who believes his or herself to be entitled.  Wait until he or she gets out into the real world, surely the spoiled one will be humbled unmercifully.

Nicholl McGuire, author of When Mothers Cry, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and Say Goodbye to Dad.