When in Doubt About Divorce - separation, breakup

How To Handle Children During A Separation

Children will need to know that both parents love them.  But if parents are acting in foolish ways, the children will feel like they are all alone and unloved.  So do your best to have a reasonable separation always keeping in mind the children's best interests.

Things to remember:

1. Don’t argue in front of them.

2. Leave your new mates out of the transition process. For instance, they don’t need to be the one who drops them off, walk up to your ex’s doorstep, or even be seen riding with the new girlfriend or boyfriend in the car every time you pick up or drop the children off. On occasion you may be riding with him or her, but don’t make it a habit. Sometimes children just want that time with dad or mom to themselves.

3. Answer questions when the children ask. Discuss possible questions they may ask beforehand with the ex so that both of you will be repeating the same story. They may want to know why mommy and daddy are not together a thousand times, answer them a thousand times.

4. Tell the truth about your feelings toward your ex, once the child becomes an adult and initiates the conversation. Don’t volunteer information.

5. Make the children’s environment pleasant when they come to visit. Clean and comfortable. New bed sheets, cabinets and drawers they can place their toys in, favorite pictures hanging on the walls, a new toy and plans to go somewhere that is fun. Be sure to have favorite foods and treats in the refrigerator and in cabinets, but not in excess. They still need to eat healthy! Don’t watch adult movies, leave adult magazines lying around, look at adult images on the computer and listen to music around them that you know is inappropriate.

6. If you and the new girl or boyfriend, do not live together, when the children are around, make the time for your children. If the children will be staying for the whole summer, then fit in time to spend with the girl or boyfriend, but try not to make it daily. Children will get jealous. Don’t include the mate in all the family activities, go some places without her or him.

7. When children are suddenly misbehaving more, talk with them. Find out how they feel about mom and dad separating, two separate houses, babysitters, new mates and whatever else you may think are causing the changes in behavior.

8. Don’t talk negatively about your ex to the children or in front of them. Conversations about the ex should occur when the children aren’t around. Be sure they are not hiding somewhere in the house eavesdropping on your conversations.

9. Avoid drugs and drinking alcohol around your children. They will tell someone about your partying no matter how much you tell them to not speak about it.

10. Don’t get your children involved in adult matters. If you lost your job, got caught in a scandal, went to jail, broke up with your girl or boyfriend, etc. Be vague when talking to them, it isn’t necessary to give them all the details. Children sometimes will take mom and dad’s pain personally and will react in ways that we don’t quite understand. Remember they are children, not adults allow them to enjoy their childhood. Preserve their innocence.

Although these tips seem simple enough, putting them into practice can be challenging particularly when dealing with an argumentative, hot-tempered or selfish former partner.  Remain in control and envision a future when your children will respect you for doing the best you could to maintain peace during this tough time.

Nicholl McGuire

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What to Expect from the Ex Husband after a Divorce

“Never say what a man won’t do,” my grandmother use to warn.  Some women brag to family and friends about what their ex husbands would never do or say to them. Yet, the truth is one can't predict what ex boyfriends and husbands would and wouldn't do especially now that many of you are single and like to mingle especially online.





The list that follows is only ten popular warnings amongst thousands that your ex might do or say to you since the divorce. Not every one of these situations you may be able to relate, but there are those divorced women that have experienced one if not all of these things. Some divorced women will admit that their ex-husbands just couldn’t seem to move on in the beginning of the break up. These divorced women secretly liked how their ex struggled emotionally, because to them, it was sweet justice, “What goes around comes around!” Here is the list:



One. The ex-husband may surprise you with a phone call that almost sounds like he misses you.


Suddenly after days or weeks have passed since your last contact with him, he is so concerned about you. He may start off asking you about the children, then ask you questions about your job and family. He does this, not so much because he cares, but he is looking for a way to get back into your life personally. Your idea of friendship and his idea of friendship is not the same. He is thinking, “One day I might need sex and she might be available.” You may be thinking like him, then again you might not. The best thing to do when you get the surprise phone call is to keep it brief and always be busy if it means running water in the background, flushing the toilet, talking to the kids, or use the opportunity to tell him you have calls to make as soon as you get off the phone with him. Don’t obligate yourself to call him back even if he asks you to do it.


Two. The ex-husband may request to take you out to dinner, fix something in the home, or blatantly tell you he wants to fulfill your sexual needs.


Depending on his age, what he looks like, and other major things that may keep him from getting a new partner as fast as he thought, he may try to date you until someone else comes along. There are many divorced women who fall for the dating and handyman tactics, because they too haven’t found anyone they consider worthwhile so they go back to what is familiar. When you feel tempted, you can quickly erase any of those false fantasies of bliss by thinking of all the nights you stayed up crying and how he treated you when you needed him most. You can also crowd him out of your life by doing some things to keep you busy from attending church related activities to finding a new spot to hang out with book or laptop in hand. This way you aren’t looking for a new man to replace him.


Three. The ex-husband may surprise you at home or work.


This is not a sign you want to take lightly especially if you have made it clear on what time to pick up the children, if you have any. If you don’t have any children with this man, you will definitely want to be careful as well, because he may be stalking you. Always let others know about these surprise visits, journal them, and notify the authorities if you have asked your ex-husband not to come around you anymore and he keeps persisting. The police will assist you with filing a restraining order. However, if he is in law enforcement, find someone out of his precinct to help you. If you can’t get any help from them then go to church leadership, a nonprofit organization or someone else not related to his profession.


Four. The ex-husband may surprise you with cash.


What a great way to keep you attached to him! What other man do you know will give you money for nothing? If he does it once, he may do it again and again all the while hoping you won’t find anyone else. His intention is one of two things: to restore the marriage or to keep you hanging on while he is dating others. Some men want their cake and everything else too, more than likely that is why many of the women reading this are divorced.


Five. The ex-husband may drive by your home, favorite hangout, or job showing off the new girlfriend (or boyfriend) or new wife.


He isn’t happy with the way things turned out between the two of you, he doesn’t like how he is feeling now that you are not in his life, and he secretly wants you back (at least for a season until things get old again.) Driving the girlfriend or new wife around your neighborhood is his attempt to make you feel the way he feels and to punish you for not being with him. If you allow him to upset you, then you are giving him power and ultimately the chance to come back in your life. Remember your issues that you have isn’t with the woman, but with him using the woman. If you find he is often doing this, you can notify the police and file a restraining order as mentioned earlier or even better have that family member around who doesn't like your ex too much--I'm sure he will cut his visits short.



Six. The ex-husband will display new jewelry, a car or some other things to show you he is doing fine without you.


While women alter their appearance to make themselves look like they are doing better without the ex, their former husbands will make big purchases to appear like they have struck some gold hoping they will be desired once again. Some divorced women are charmed back into their exs' arms only to be harmed again. Oftentimes they end up helping him pay for those large purchases. He may have bought an item he always wanted in the hopes that his naïve, desperate ex wife will assist with his bill. Once it’s paid off, out she goes and in a new woman comes riding, driving, wearing, or lying on whatever it is that drew you back into his life again.


Seven. The ex-husband will confide in a mutual friend about how much he misses you.


There is only one reason why he would be open with his feelings to a friend that you both deal with, rather than talk with you, and that is he hopes that you will hear about it and be nicer to him. In his mind that is a start, once you open your feelings up, then he hopes you will open something else too whether that something else is a combination of money, sex, home, contact for a job or business opportunity, or some other selfish need he is trying to satisfy.


Eight. The ex-husband may not hide his personal life from the children.


A man who feels rejected and jealous is on a mission to make your life miserable, so he will intentionally do things in front of the children because he knows they will go back and tell you.  For instance, he may emphasize how important his new family is or his new partner to the kids.  If he can’t win you back into his life, in a nice way like calling him periodically, then he will try to keep you in his life by being vicious. He knows that if the children tell you something disturbing during a visit, you will pick up that phone and talk, yell or curse with him about it. The best thing to do in this situation is to teach your children right from wrong, admonish your ex-husband in writing if need be, ignore his foolish behavior while documenting it, or possibly talk with your attorney.


Nine. The ex-husband suddenly changes finances, housing, and other things he may have promised he wouldn’t change.


You go to use a credit card it’s declined, you visit an old account and the money is gone, and you discover your name is removed from a number of documents including health insurance that he said he would pay for. These are all attempts to control you emotionally, but these are also good signs he just might be someone else's headache now!  Hopefully he won’t be trying to contact you as much and you shouldn’t be encouraging it either--that is if you are indeed over him.  Stick to issues related to the kids maybe some useful information every now and again, but keep yourself busy with your own life!  Win for you!


Consider your ex's deceptive actions, lies he tells his new girlfriend or wife and other negatives blessings in disguise.  These things is what reaffirms that you made a great decision ridding yourself of a bad mistake!  Accept your freedom, rather than fight with him about his past promises, and remember you are divorced from him; therefore, he is no longer obligated to take care of you.



Ten. The ex-husband will play mind games.


If you are feeling guilty about something you did to break up the marriage, he will try to use that as a weapon to keep you feeling bad so that you can’t move on with your life. He may talk about the “good ole days” to keep you hoping and wishing about what could have been. You can end his mind games by not giving him any details about current events in your life which include: topics about the past, the way you feel, your dreams, goals, etc. The great part about being divorced is you don’t have to share your life anymore with a person you are no longer interested or in love with--yeah!


In conclusion, these are just ten of some of the most popular actions men will do after a divorce or break up, you probably will have more to add, please do in the comment section. If you are sincerely over the ex, you will not give into any of these negative actions. Divorced women who are still emotionally and/or physically attached to their exs will fall into the ten traps mentioned every time.


You know that you are still bound to him if your family and friends keep telling you to stop talking or doing for your ex. Although you think there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, what you don’t realize is you are setting yourself up for even more problems in the future than what you had gone through while being married to him. Some of those future problems include: your ex being with other women while sleeping with you, potentially getting a sexually transmitted disease, your children doing badly in school because of witnessing your upset, problems with your relatives supporting you because you look like a flake, and other personal issues like stress resulting in depression, obesity, diabetes, and other health related illnesses.



Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight here.