When the Abuser, Victim Denies the Abuse, Toxic Relationship [video]

Denial About Abusing You and the Children - Emotional and Physical Abuse

They lie, those abusers (smh).  They swear up and down they love their families and they will do anything for them.  Well if that is so, why the impatience, frustration, anger outbursts, and attitude on a daily or weekly basis when questioned about disrespectful behaviors, asked to help with a task or meet the needs of a child, or other seemingly harmless requests?  Why do abusers say that threatening behavior never happened, that curse words were never exchanged, that one never, couldn't have, wouldn't have...ego is all-too-important it suffocates truth.

1.  Abusers are selfish.  They always look out for self first!
2.  Abusers lie, deny and cover-up their mean-spirited deeds.
3.  Abusers pretend to be faithful to God, claim to be good men/women, upstanding citizens, etc.
4.  Abusers are actors who know how to play the friendly and honest gentleman or woman when called upon or feel they might be exposed.
5.  Abusers believe they are smarter than most people.  That's why they don't believe they will ever get caught in their mischief.
6.  Abusers have either watched others be abused or been abused by a relative, family friend or stranger(s) so they feel totally comfortable with hurting other people.
7.  Abusers come in any shape, size, color, with any educational background, or economic status.  Stop convincing yourself, "Well he/she doesn't look like an abuser."
8.  Abusers will put children up to lying, covering up, hurting others, etc. when it suits them.
9.  Abusers have triggers, personality disorders, and other issues that require professional help.
10.  Abusers are exposed by God.  The demons within and around can't stand the Creator or the people who acknowledge Him.

These in-laws and buddies just don't know their abusive loved ones very well or do they?  Maybe they are in on the denial.  "My dear son would never raise a hand to you!"  Well, he did.  "My dear daughter is a freedom fighter for lesbians, she would never..." But she did.  Some of you have been in your marriages and partnerships long enough to know differently.  But it's your secret, safe with me.  We know better!

Abusive men and women who pride themselves on controlling others while falsely believing they never do wrong, will not admit to abuse unless there is a plea bargain after they have murdered someone.  During interrogation he or she will say, "I don't know...I wasn't there...I wasn't aware...I never...I love my partner too much..."  Don't believe it!  Please, don't believe it.  The abuse got a slow start in the early days exposing one's own controlling ways.  Back then, he or she was better at covering up one's fragilities, but as they and their relationships get older not so much  No one knew one could be capable of such things--not even the victim until abusive episodes happened!

Curse words flying out of one's mouth for seemingly small things is usually a sign there is more ahead.  Those curse words directed at everyone else other than you is a start.  You riding in the car or walking along side your partner during the early dating phase didn't think much of his or her negative attitude.  Then it was the anger that showed up soon after visiting family and friends and you asked, "What's wrong?" The response, "Nothing.  I'm okay..."  One child, two children, three or more later, the anger intensified didn't it?  Yelling, slamming things, shutting down...Mom was simply too busy to be bothered with that crazy man in the next room.  You see, you saw something like this when you were growing up.  It wasn't always so nice at home, now was it?  So it all comes back around full circle.  Now you understand why your abused loved one was very cautious when dealing with her crazy spouse and/or kin.

The abusive partner denies feelings, suppresses offenses, and then one day explodes!  In the early days you were shocked, but not anymore.  In the early days you dismissed what you saw, but not anymore.  He or she is crazy--something is wrong!  Some of you Moms requested or maybe even demanded couples counseling, anger management or substance addiction help but to no avail.  Not quite ready to leave yet, you scratch your head thinking, "What can I do?"  It's not your battle, the abuser is angry--even the bible warns to stay away from an angry man or woman.

Emotional abuse signs include: name-calling, put-downs, crass humor, silent treatment, ignoring, gas-lighting, denial, etc.  Physical abuse signs include: throwing things, punching, hitting, kicking, spitting, choking, etc.  The writing is on the wall along with the last time a partner threw or punched something, are you seeing the signs?  Get out while there is still time!

Nicholl McGuire is an author and inspirational speaker.  She recorded this message here on YouTube: Power and Control Wheel Safety Plan and Spiritual Uplift.  

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The baby is crying yet again, another bill has gone unpaid, and you are ready to lose your mind from all the stress about yet another woman calling his phone...some of you reading this get the picture, others not so much, but good for you a man isn't your problem, money is good, and baby is calm!
However, there are many moms who don't have the luxury of having a peaceful, drama free household.  Someone somewhere is going to stay up a little later than usual tonight, because she is being abused yet again by a mate who says he loves her.  With tears in her eyes, she is going to call out to God to give her the strength to leave, while her mind says, "What about this...and what about that...?  Stay." 

I think back to those times when I had far too many headaches, backaches, and stomach aches, because of one thing or another with man, baby, health, and finances.  Yet, through it all, I made it out of those past storms while still having the strength to walk through current ones! 

Days, weeks, months, and years have gone by of crying and complaining.  Yet, now I made it to that point in motherhood where you finally realize that nothing is so serious, so bad, so anything that you can't rebound from as long as you have breath in your body!  Childhood issues, I survived.  Physical abuse, I survived.  Emotional abuse I survived.  Four childbirths, I survived.  Bad church experiences, I survived.  Many relocations and job losses, I survived.  Divorce, I survived.  Children with their share of problems, still surviving!  Shall I go on?

I observe many women and men with sons and daughters looking stressed when their children are around.  Sometimes the expressions on their faces seem to worsen when a partner says one too many things to some of these men and I wonder what is home life like for these people.  "I don't want to hear it..." the eyes say.  "Are you listening to me?" the one doing all the talking says.  He ignores the mother of his children as if she is a stranger. 

For some men, they can't handle children crying, a mate nagging, and other responsibilities that come with parenting so they freak out!  One too many requests, a negative tone of voice from a wife or girlfriend topped with misbehaving children and an angry man with a short fuse is ready to swing, push, shove, or kick the one who is doing what?  All the talking, crying or both.

There is no excuse for anyone being hit or slapped in the mouth for talking or crying--none!  It doesn't matter how loud or wild the words come out a mouth or where the mouth is directed, one should not have to endure anyone physically harming him or her.  Yet, some women will allow emotional and/or physical abuse to happen to them, because they feel guilty about what they said or did when they interacted with their mate or children.  Therefore, the abuser makes his victim feel worse while accusing her of pushing him to the point of no return.  "Look, what you made me do!  If you would just shut up none of this would have happened!  I told you what I will do if you keep talking, didn't I?" 

The abused woman will then attempt to make wrongs right only to meet yet another fist to the face or some other place on her body, because her abuser didn't want to hear her speak yet again about something he should have, could have done.

Abuse will make people cry--those being abused as well as those witnessing the abuse.  Children will cry more when they live in a intense environment which will only make matters worse the longer they stay there. 

Those who sincerely care will want to vindicate the victim, call the police, remove the children from the home, and do other things to stop the abuse.  The woman experiencing such pain will not talk as much to others like she once did.  She will isolate herself.  Sometimes she will hide her bruises behind makeup and sunglasses.  She will lie, cover for her abuser, and pretend as if her relationship is normal.  There is nothing normal about a name-calling, crazy man who has nothing better to do but to intimidate his partner and children, because he is having one of his fits yet again.

Some women think that because a partner hasn't hit or shoved them in a long time they are out the clear, but not necessarily.  Maybe the abuse has simply shifted from mom to children, from wife to mistress, or from girlfriend to relative.  What do the others really think of one's partner?  Who is catching hell when you aren't?

For those experiencing such pain staying with an abuser, know that every day that you stay in a bad relationship brings you closer to your grave or someone else's.  Most abusers don't change without professional counseling, medication, workplace changes, relocation, and more.  If you are with someone who is unwilling to do what's right to bring peace to your household, move on!

Nicholl McGuire creator of this blog and author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate http://laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com

Victims of abuse become survivors because one day a light bulb goes off in their heads that says, "I'm not going to take his abuse any longer, I am better than this."  The day a victim realizes that she can move on, get a better life without walking on egg shells around someone is the day that she is indeed a free woman!  Mothers, for the sake of your children, avoid sticking it out with someone who mistreats you.  One day your children will thank you for it!

Nicholl McGuire