Learning Your New Role as the Parent of an Adult Child - Jim Burns

How to Let Go of Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity

On Preparing My Young Adult Son to Move Out

The day he gave me the side eye along with that tone to his voice that only a parent can detect is downright disrespectful, I had made up in my mind that we had to work a bit faster on getting him prepared to move out.  Otherwise, I would be that parent who would one day kick him out.  I simply don’t like young adults who act angrily or disrespectful over seemingly minor issues that could easily be resolved with a question or an offer to help.

This son had been often left alone at his old residence living with dad and other family members.  All that time to self made him feel like he was an adult already even in his early teens.  He made his own meals at times, performed errands and chores, but wasn’t required to obtain employment.  It wasn’t until I brought up a job that he started pursuing one.  

I foresaw a future where he was going to have money battles with his stepparent and father if he didn’t move on getting a job quickly.  He listened and he went above and beyond at his first place of employment.  As things changed in that household so too did his plans for staying with his dad.  He ended up living with us.  Prior to his moving out, I explained how my household was run and that he would be required to work if he wanted to live with me.  He had no problem with that since he had already listened to my advice in the past and was accustomed to making his own money.

It was literally weeks after living with us that he did get a job.  However, that didn’t happen without me encouraging him and assisting with his job search.  I explained that he was to create a list of places he applied to daily and that we would have meetings going over his job search progress.  These meetings were crucial because this way he would be held accountable and I would be at peace knowing he was doing his part to take care of his self.  He didn’t want to lose what little he came with (that was a consequence) if he didn’t do what was asked.  I only had to mention that once and he continued to job search.  You see, he enjoyed gaming and that was a distraction at times.  No job search, no gaming console. 

The biggest mistake that many parents make when they are supposedly helping young adults is continuing to make life at home comfortable for them even though it is in the best interest of all to see a young adult independent, mentally strong and physically capable of taking care of his or herself.  Why would any of us want to move out if parents are paying for everything, cleaning house, doing our laundry, scheduling our appointments, cooking our food, etc. all with smiles on their faces? 

For my son, the comforts of home adjusted slightly once he started working.  I expected a reasonable household contribution and chores to be completed.  We met about that monthly to ensure that things expected of him would continue to be done.  When it was time for him to take on a second job, we did the same.  We met about the job search, discussed his present and future expenses, and shared details about apartment costs and utilities in the area.  He started saving more money to meet goals.

Now he has a move-out date and a place to stay.  Although I feel happy for him, I also feel sad because he’s my son and I love him.  However, it is a must that he has his own space.  His mind and body are changing.  As he goes through his “What it means to be a man…” life transition, he doesn’t need me to annoy or burden him.  I did my part guiding him toward his freedom.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry, Say Goodbye to Dad, and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.

Warning Signs Your Son or Daughter Not Wanting to be Close to You

10 Mistakes Parents Do that Spoil Their Adult Children

You may have witnessed your mother, father or a guardian do some things that were questionable in how they raised you or other siblings.  You may have vowed you wouldn’t do what they did with your own.  Yet, to be sure, you might want to use the following as a checklist on what you may or may not be doing to enhance your relationship with your teenagers and/or adult children.

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1 – Staying with your spouse for the sake of your children.  You know that you don’t want to be with your spouse anymore, but you stay because of the children.  This kind of thinking causes more harm than good.  The reason is you are not emotionally available to your children like you think.  You aren’t happy and everyone knows it.  Your anger outbursts, sadness, impatience, and other negative behaviors your children are experiencing.  Do yourself and everyone a big favor, put a genuine smile on your face for once and find a place that brings you peace and makes your children feel welcome.  In time, you and your spouse will agree it was the best decision for the both of you.

2 – Loving them more than you.  You didn’t receive the love from your spouse that you needed, so you yearn for that love from your children.  You expect them to call you everyday, take care of you, spend time with you, and some of you are actually doing some things that won’t be mentioned here, but you know what they are.  Stop.  Make up in your mind to stop seeking attention from your children.  They will never be able to give you the love that a spouse can give.  By behaving in these ways, you are hurting your children and eventually you will have to face the consequences of your actions.  If you ever wonder why some families have so many problems with their children and grandchildren it is usually because parents have a perverted way of expressing their love toward their children.

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3 – Lying for them.  When your children bring trouble to your doorstep, you find yourself lying to family, friends, and local authorities.  Then after you tell lies, they only get in trouble again.  Allow them to be accountable for their actions.  You will cry and so will they, because they will feel you weren’t there for them, but in the end they will be a better person if you just step aside.

4 – Giving them money whenever they need it.  This is just the start of a never-ending cycle that teaches them nothing more than to come to you every time they have a problem. However, what happens when you die?  Your children will have to face a society that will not care about them as much as you.  Don’t leave them in this world without survival skills.

5 – Finding ways to get them out of trouble.  Whether you ask family members for money, lie or steal to help your children, these tactics will not aid them in becoming productive citizens in society.  You may or may not know this but your family is talking about you and you may have ruined some relationships, because of your children.

6 – Making excuses for them when they fall short.  When people ask you about your children, you find yourself making up stories to make them and you look good, but the reality is you and your children have problems.  Eventually you will be found out and rather than telling the truth, you will want to blame others and use circumstances for why your children aren’t doing well.

7 – Allowing them to disrespect you.  They call you names, raise their voices, and do things that disrupt your life and you don’t stand up for yourself.  Remind yourself that you brought them into this world and you will not tolerate this type of behavior any longer.  If it means you have to distance yourself and take things away to gain your respect, then do it.

8 – Acting their age instead of your own age.  Parents aren’t cool talking the same way their children talk or dressing like them.  Sometimes you may be able to make a point with a few choice words, but avoid the temptation to stoop to their level.  You want your children to respect you, a good way of testing whether they do, is just listen to how they talk about you to their friends. 

9 – Using manipulative tactics to get what you want.  They may not know it now, but they will find out in time that you were using money, guilt, and other ways to get them to do what you want.  When they find out, it will be a challenge to win them over again.  Depending on what you did, they may never get over it and will treat you badly.  You are getting older, the last thing you want to do is make a child resent you when they may ultimately be the one who will have to care for you.

10 – Interfering in their relationships with others.  Your child comes to you with a relationship problem and you immediately tell them what to do without knowing all the facts.  You notice your child doesn’t spend as much time with you now that he or she is dating.  You find that your child is acting differently now that someone has come into his or her life.  Jealousy takes over and you do or say something to influence their relationship.  How will they become their own person?  They won’t when you are too busy trying to create a mini-version of yourself.  If you want them to be happy and have healthy relationships, let them solve their own dilemmas.  It will be a good test for you to see how well you raised them.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and When Mothers Cry

4 Things a Parent Can Say to a Prodigal Son or Daughter Who Won't Listen to Wisdom

Since becoming an adult, your son or daughter doesn't seem to be as interested in consulting with you or spending as much time, usually this is due to a number of reasons including: an active lifestyle, educational goals, job, or family demands. As much as parents would like for that immediate call back, a yes to an invitation, or an unexpected visit, it won't always happen. (I use to be that twenty-something year old who forgot about my parents.)

There are those sons and daughters that are making life choices that are at times disturbing and unfortunately keep poor mom or dad up at night. You may have tried to talk with your son or daughter about his or her choices, but to no avail your wisdom is going in one ear and out the other. Some parents may have used tough love to drive a point home. However, "the talk" only drove them further away. So now what does a parent do?

I was once a twenty-something year old that was raised by parents who encouraged independence toward the end of my senior year. As a result, I didn't make the wisest decisions, because the bulk of my teen years were isolated from many people, places, and things including most peer social events.

I thought, during my terrible twenties when I was making some of my poor choices, that they were good and that somehow everything would end up being okay, but like many young people, you learn the hard way.

An angry, eye-rolling, cursing parent is not what I needed at the time. So there were moments that my parent's advice wouldn't stick just because of their delivery. Therefore, I provide four statements that may not get your child to do everything you want, but it just might help in getting them to come back around. The key to conversing with a young person is making yourself understand them even if you rather not. If you can take that moment, to put yourself in their shoes, it will help your delivery. You also need a consistent positive attitude when talking to them. I think of the young man who said that someone actually took the time to say, Good morning to him. That told me there aren't too many people in his family or at work who bother to just offer a warm greeting.

So if you are polite and respectful on the phone on Monday with your son or daughter, then be that way the next time you see them and the next and the next. When you do things differently than they are use to (like adjust your attitude,) it will make them want to at least think about what you have been telling them and who knows they might be more pleasant toward you. It will also stimulate some thoughts like, "Well what if mom is right? What if dad has a point? Maybe I should do something different." Life is too short and sometimes a son or daughter may even go so far as to think that, "What if my mom and dad aren't around anymore because of what I am into?" Consider the following statements the next time you talk to your son or daughter.

One. "I'm here if you need me."

This is a statement that can be used so much until the point that it falls on deaf ears, so you might want to change it up a bit. But for parents who never use this statement, it will definitely get your son or daughters attention especially if he or she is in a bad relationship or is having financial difficulty that they are too ashamed to come and ask you for help.

Two. "You can always come back home."

Let's say that a son or daughter is really acting like a fool these days, but you can see that they are troubled and really need your help. A simple statement like this might get them to open up. However, be sure you mean it. Make accommodations for them and do share with them what the rules are before they move in. Also, give them a deadline to move out once they have sufficient income and are stable enough to live alone.

Three. "I love you and I'm concerned about where your actions might lead you."

Saying "I love you" is a nice statement and makes most people feel good when it isn't abused. However, some people use this statement and add nothing to it. Your love for your son or daughter needs to be expressed sometimes and just saying three words may not be enough, so add something to it. When you tell your son or daughter that you are concerned about their actions and where they might lead he or she, the thought might cross their mind about things like: jail, death, or some other tragedy. You might even want to throw in an example of your own. Try to avoid naming their friends, being critical of things they are already doing (no matter how dumb, bad, etc.) because if you don't, you will only start an argument, get the silent treatment, or drive them away. They will defend their friends and their actions (no matter how good or bad) thanks to peer brainwashing.

Four. "I've been where you are."

This is another statement that is often used, but some people who use it don't add anything to it. "What have you done in the past that makes you an expert about me?" That's the attitude you are going to get if you don't spend the time to share something meaningful about your life when you were your son or daughter's age; rather than repeatedly critic he or she. You may even give your son or daughter some pointers on how to get out of their messes.

When you tell a young person that you "have been there and done that," it does nothing more than look like you are bragging about your faults even though that is not the message you want to convey. When the conversation comes up, about something your son or daughter has done that you don't like, listen and then ask, "May I share with you what I did when I was your age? I've been where you are."

Other things you must consider when dealing with a hard-headed adult son or daughter is how frequently or infrequently you are talking to him or her. Sometimes a parent can provoke a son or daughter to do something harmful to self or others when he or she just can't seem to stop beating them up with wisdom or is so silent that the parent gives off the vibe he or she could care less.

Take a break from the "just giving my 2 cents worth" conversation every now and then, and try doing things that have nothing to do with your son or daughter's foolish mistakes. Maybe there is a concert coming up, a simple need that they have like a new coat and shoes at the mall, or some other thing that would encourage them to come around you'"use these needs to draw near to your son or daughter. However, don't allow them to abuse your kindness. Take that together time to do something nice and show them just how much you care.

Some parents treat their children like slaves always asking them to perform a task or duty whenever they see or hear from them. Avoid using every opportunity that you see your son or daughter to ask them to do something for you. This is a put-off especially when dealing with prodigal sons and daughters. They have spent years in your household doing what you ask and now they are free. The last thing they want is to be reminded of their childhood chores and discipline. Remember you no longer have children, but adults even if they don't always act like it.

Nicholl McGuire also maintains http://parentsbabieschildren.blogspot.com