Narcissistic Mom | Child Shows Warning Signs

Don't Talk, Trust and Feel - Bad Parenting will Backfire

A crying mother, fearful of a partner, abused by her own mother, and bitter about her life decisions, teaches her children not to cry.  They are not permitted to do the following:  talk about what hurts to others, trust people who are only trying to help, and display emotion about something their parents did or didn't do.  Mom says, "Stop crying!  What happens in this house, stays in this house!  Don't tell me how you feel, I don't want to hear it!"  Many of her instructions may be given to her by the head of house, the father who has his own share of personality issues, the controlling matriarch or patriarch, or siblings who experienced their share of abuse.

In my personal experience, this "don't talk, trust, or feel" kind of parenting, was unhelpful, cold-hearted and at times downright dysfunctional.  I thought, "Does anyone take a step back and listen to how they sound laying down the so-called rules?  Has anyone bothered to question how stupid some of this is when it comes to parenting children?  Many sons and daughters raised by or around this sort of ignorant teaching, suffered as a result.  However, others awoke before things got to bad with their own children and vowed that some of this ignorance had to go!

Don't Talk

If a mother makes a habit of telling her children not to speak to her or others whether it is a good time to talk or not, what will be the outcome?  The children will most likely not talk much to her.  Ignore or avoid her when she wants to talk to them.  They may open up to relatives, friends, and strangers, but that all depends on how the mother's constant shutting her children up has affected them--sometimes social skills are hindered as a result.  Further, her children will most likely be cautious of connecting with those who are friendly with the mother for fear that things they might say will get back to her.  This unfortunately was my experience being around adults who didn't like children much.  These people felt children were more like flies that ought to be shooed away once they have received all they wanted from them i.e.) conversation, entertainment, money, etc.--yes adults did borrow money from children and didn't want others to know about it either!  The strategy with many of these controlling authority figures was to keep their shady lifestyles and practices private.

Don't Trust

The parents and  grandparents were good about telling grandchildren as well as adult sons and daughters not to trust this person and that one.  The strategy behind this was so that you would stay under the parent or grandparents rule--this I now know, but back then I thought it was solely about caring for the family.  The warnings happened so often in family circles to the point that it was any wonder we children had any friends.  Women and girls, boys and men weren't to be trusted whether family or not, the clerk at the local store wasn't trusted, the neighbor was up to no good, and friends couldn't come inside the family home or stay overnight, because they too couldn't be trusted!  In time, what does the child turned adult end up doing?  Falsely believing that most people can't be trusted.

Don't Feel

You are to shake pain off, hide tears or don't even let them fill your eyes, because if you did, there was an adult saying, "Be strong, don't be weak!  What are you crying for?"  If you attempted to explain, the mean-spirited adult would cut you off, attack your explanation, send you to bed, or worse spank you to so-called toughen you up.  The adults were supposedly training children to be strong by doing these things, when all they created was nothing more than future psychopaths.

Children who violated any of these rules were punished for talking too much, trusting someone, or expressing emotion that even looked a little bit like you were disrespecting a parent even though this wasn't always true.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

You Will Always Be Mother

No matter what someone says or does, you gave birth to children that have been stamped with your DNA for all eternity!  Sometimes we find ourselves in disputes with loved ones, school staff, and others on the well-being of our children.  We may be criticized for what we say and do concerning our children, but no matter the negative comments, threats, accusations, ridicule, etc.  your children are yours!  You might be the parent away from your children or the one with them on a daily basis, as long as you are tending to their basic needs, showing them love, and they are growing into well-adjusted human beings that are causing more good than harm to others, then who cares what someone thinks?

One of our weaknesses, especially those of us who care a lot for people, is we take on their emotions as well.  We internalize what they think, how they feel, and what they say about our parenting.  The grandparent tells you something that might have helped her decades ago, but doesn't work for you yet you try anyway only to feel burdened.  The spouse comments on the way you are dressing, feeding or tending to your child's needs and you attempt to appease.  Passer-byers smile and comment when you happily play with your child, but when you discipline him or her, they frown and feel it is their duty to offer their thoughts.  These petty scenarios as well as others you may have experienced recently, if often thought about, can make you lose your cool and resent parenting.  No matter what happens, you will always be mother!  You have a say so in your child's life whether near or far, sooner or later. 

Your son or daughter will hear and see what mom has been trying to do for years--be a good parent.  He or she may understand or may not, but at least you know that you did your very best with whatever resources and time you have. 

For those of you who have faith, turn your burdens over to your Creator--that includes people who are more critical than loving, more concerned about material goods and less concerned about spiritual matters, and who have far too much time on their hands to watch you parent your child.

You will always be mother and no one can take that title away from you unless you let them!

Nicholl McGuire

How to Overcome Jealousy

Overcoming jealousy is important to all healthy relationships. Jealousy usually stems from feelings of inadequacy in the person experiencing the emotion. While there are, of course, times when people are certainly justified in feeling jealous a good portion of the time there is not valid cause.

It's usually necessary to look to one's self-esteem to pinpoint exactly why you are feeling jealous, as the problem 90% of the time is with yourself. That's actually good news, though - it means it can be fixed and you can stop feeling miserable.

The Root of the Evil

The green-eyed monster is generally a symptom of other deep-rooted problems within people. The less self confidence a person has and the more their self image needs improvement the more easily feelings of jealousy creep in even in innocuous situations. This happens because people will feel that they do not deserve the other person, the position at work, the praise, etc. While there will always be some times where feelings of envy are justified, you can fight the feelings when they are unjustified.

Keep a Cool Head

Whether you are experiencing feelings of jealousy in a personal or professional setting, losing your cool will not help the situation. If something happens that begins to churn up those emotions, wait. Step back outside of yourself for just a moment. Look at the situation after allowing some time to breathe.

Did someone at work get a promotion based on your work or did your husband come home with lipstick on his shirt? Then allow the feelings. They are totally justified! However, if a coworker actually deserves their promotion based on their merit, or your husband mentions that an unattainable actress is pretty, then breathe deeply and let it pass.

Communicate Effectively

When you are consistently feeling jealous, and have already checked to be sure that you are maintaining a clear and accurate view of the situation, then perhaps the thing making you jealous may need to be addressed. Chances are that your emotions are not being played with and that perhaps the other person simply is not aware of how you are reacting. Talk to them in a calm manner and not at a time when you are actually feeling jealous. Explain, without blaming, how certain actions or words make you feel. Offer a solution, "If you were to do/say X rather than Y, I would feel differently." Be open to feedback from the other person!

Eyes on Yourself

The more you focus on creating your own sense of self worth and strengthening all of your personal characteristics, the more you will find that jealousy will fall by the wayside. When you develop a healthy self respect, it can perform wonders in your life. You will not tolerate situations where jealousy is actually valid; you will remove yourself from the situation. You will know that your abilities and merits are worthy of thought and consideration from others and that your own self confidence will inspire them to treat you with respect. You will soon learn to disregard that which is petty and not let it have an effect on how you feel.

Reinforcements

All that you need to overcome jealousy is inside of you. It is not an external factor that will change your perception-a new dress does not make you feel less jealous of an inattentive spouse! The more strength you have, the weaker feelings of jealousy will be. Focus your thoughts and actions on building your own positivity and it will be no more difficult to overcome feelings of weakness and jealousy than it would be to overcome a battalion of toy soldiers.

Zoltan Roth is a native Hungarian teacher who resides in the United States. His passion is to help people around the globe to discover their enormous mental potential to create a happy, peaceful life we all deserve. For more information please visit his website at http://www.selfesteem2go.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Zoltan_Roth

The Bad Mother

For reporters, the bad mother is a staple of feature story writing. I've interviewed some bad mothers in my time: there was the one who prostituted herself in front of her children; one who pimped her own twelve year-old daughter; the one who beat her son so badly that the sheet rock was marked with the impressions from his head hitting the wall. Bad mothers, the iconic story goes, either destroy their children – or create criminals. There was one young criminal I remember well – a gang member who had taken part in drive-bys and had himself been on the receiving end of a bullet or two. Here’s how he described his childhood: “My Mom - every night - Uncle Mike, Uncle Bill, Uncle Bob – I mean, I love her, but fuck her too.” And then he told me how he had shot a neighborhood kid who once made fun of him for being the son of a whore.

He was twenty years younger than I, and packed a sawed off shotgun in his jeans, while I carried only a pen. But I identified with him immediately. I recognized that mixture of anger and love. I understood how he might have felt so compelled to defend an indefensible mother. Because I have spent no small amount of time defending my own indefensible mother.

In my late forties, married; and commuting between Boston and New York as I began a teaching job at Columbia University. I once asked Mom could I stay with her for a week or so. She was wary; her husband, an actor, was just learning his lines for a new Broadway show. I promised I would stay out of the way, stay in the back room. Even so, after eight days she suddenly appeared at my bedroom door, her face a mask of determination. "How much longer are you going to be here?" she wanted to know. I was in the way. It was too hard for her to live with another grown woman in the same house. She said my presence was "disruptive" to the rhythm of their lives.

I went to class, then came home and packed my bags. As I was going out the door, Mom hugged and kissed me, apologizing for not being able to let me stay longer. She had to put her husband first.

That's the way it was, the way it had always been, with my Mom. She hadn’t raised any of her three children – we’d all been farmed out to foster homes, visiting when it was convenient for her. I learned to live under the conditions of her love. Ours was a complicated relationship not just because she was an erratic parent, but because she was white and I, her youngest offspring, was the daughter of a black man, an entertainer named Stump Cross who’d been popular during the forties. I wouldn't meet my dad till I was nearly thirty, and, then, when I made a film about the whole experience, Mom and I made the rounds of the talk shows. I always identified myself as African American, but one caller accused me of being so happy to have a white woman’s love that I would endure anything. Something about that barb struck home. For a long time afterward, I wondered whether I was indeed longed to be accepted by whites so badly that I would put up with anything. Maybe that explained why I was so often the only black person in my workplaces, why I befriended those with whom I disagreed vehemently even while I stuffed feelings of anger and worthlessness that led to depression and drinking binges.

But I don’t think it was because Mom was white that I put up with all this.

It was because she was my Mom.


June Cross makes documentary films and teaches broadcast journalism at Columbia University. June authored her first book, a memoir, "Secret Daughter," after releasing the Emmy Award Wining Documentary of the same title. For more information on the book, and June's story, please visit: Secret Daughter.com