Guilt

So you promised your son or daughter something and you were unable to follow through. You may be the type of parent who runs out and buys your child anything he or she wants to make up for it. You may even rally up support from others to encourage you because you failed yet again to fulfill a promise. I'm sure you have learned from experience this behavior simply isn't good.

You see, the more we screw up as parents, the more we think we can replace our errors with things. However, as much as the child loves "the thing" he or she really wants you to mean what you say and say what you mean. Besides, what if you don't have the money to keep up with all your guilt feelings, then what? I could think of a few other feelings you might have: anger with child, resentment and blame. "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be out here in traffic buying your bratty butt another toy!" Well, if you didn't allow guilt feelings to overwhelm you in the first place, then you wouldn't be toting your tired child around in traffic trying to buy them yet another toy!

You can stop feelings of guilt before they start by:

• Following through with your promise(s) or even better don't make any more promises you can't keep.
• Avoid impulse gift-buying to hide feelings of guilt. Rather, plan something similar within your budget. For instance, if you missed taking them to the park, reschedule the park visit or choose an even better park--don't buy a toy to substitute an event. The child was anticipating the park visit, not a toy and he or she will only come back later and say, "So when are we going to the park?" now you are spending more money than you had planned.
• Talk to your child about your mistake and ask for forgiveness (that's right even if they don't know what it means, you can teach them.)
• Tell your child what you will be doing in the future to ensure that what you did won't happen again. For example, "I'm sorry I didn't take you to your friend's house like I had promised. Next time, I will let you go on a weekend; rather than telling you I will take you during the week when I know it will conflict with my schedule."
• Communicate with your partner about your intentions before making any commitments to your child. This way your partner won't be telling the child things you may or may not be able to do for your son or daughter.
  

If you are a spiritual parent, remember to take a moment and go to your Maker in prayer FIRST when you mess up with your children and hopefully you will do better next time.

Nicholl

Mothers Who Feel Guilty

“I could have…, should have…, would have...” Mothers are crying for the things they could have done for their families, but chose not or could not for whatever reason. They cry now because their children in the past looked up at them with tears in their eyes and said, “Help!” And they walked away.

Now I believe in tough love, and it can reap great life lessons that benefit the children in both the short and long term. However, tough love without a starting and ending point becomes crazy love. When one’s child is demonstrating that he or she has learned from his or her life lessons it isn’t necessary to keep punishing them. Why is it that some mothers reach a place in their heart where they are so cold? Is it because their children have hurt them so much emotionally to the point that they become numb? Does anyone bother to explain to these mothers, what is the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship with their children? Maybe some of these mothers just don’t realize it until it’s too late that they are walking in a bubble when it comes to relating to their children. If no one is there to say, “Hey Jane Doe you are being abusive to your children when you say that or do that,” then how does she really know whether she is being good to her children or not?

I was told that I didn’t hug my children enough by my former spouse who reflected on how much his mother hugged him. Although I felt I hugged them plenty, I began to pay closer attention and found that I really wasn’t hugging them as often as I thought. I could actually count on one hand how many times I hugged them in a week. Now would I go so far as to say that too little hugging or too much hugging can cause them to be this way or that way when they become older, no, but what I would say is that hugs do make a difference. Family and friends who have spoken to me about this topic of hugging have admitted that they do have problems with intimacy resulting from their parent’s lack of affection. One family member made this statement, “I wonder had we turned out any different if our daddy would have hugged us?” That question brought tears to my eyes. We are kidding ourselves as mothers if we think our children can escape dysfunction without being talked or listened to, hugged, kissed or made to feel loved and appreciated.

Children need it all! No, we can’t do it all, but we can give them the great allusion as if we have done it all! Creating a plan and tapping into the resources around us to help our children is all we need to be guilt free parents. Keep in mind that some family, friends, and strangers will come with their motherhood stories and advice to make them feel better about their selves while attempting to put other mothers down. Some mothers make the mistake of encouraging these self-righteous advisors by asking questions and taking what they say personal, then later beating themselves up with their negative statements. When handling criticism, one mother told me, “I take what others say go in one ear and out the other.” Another mother said, “When I leave this world I won’t have any regrets, because I know I was a good mother to all my children.” One common trait that I noticed with “guilt free” mothers is that they at least make an attempt to be there for their children, come hell or high water! From remembering birthdays for their adult children that were missed when they were younger to spending quality time with their children when they couldn’t be there for them. They are trying to resolve past issues so why bother to criticize them for their efforts?

Written by Nicholl McGuire, For more articles by this writer Click Here!