Lies Some Fathers Tell Single Women When it Comes to Custody Battles

When single women and mothers surf the Internet seeking an available bachelor, they will see more and more men posing with children. Many of these men have custody of their sons and daughters.  Now it would be unfair to the mothers of those children to assume the worse.  But too often, naive women will go along with whatever a father tells them, then learn the truth later, of course after helping him demonize the children's mother while participating in plans of spite.  A father who has been awarded custody of the children because they live with him isn't necessarily the better parent and the ruling doesn’t mean that the mother was bad, a mental case, or abandoned their children contrary to what he might have told his love interests.

Nowadays many fathers are suing mothers for custody of the children, because they don’t want to pay child support and can’t stomach the idea that another man could be a “father figure” to their sons and daughters.  For some men, there are other factors as to why they would sue a mother including influences from his own mother or grandmother who have created a bond with the couple's offspring.  So rather than focus on the children’s mother being a caring parent and active in their children's lives as best she can, he will demonize her and make it appear as if she left her children and didn’t care about them to the women who are moved by a good story.  Of course, there are women who unfortunately do much evil and have left their children behind, but any spiritually discerning mother knows that most women love their children and would prefer to raise them with or without the father's influence.  Yet, a man who knows how to manipulate women while using various brainwashing techniques to pull them on his side will do and say just about anything to keep you believing that you two have a common foe.

When a woman divorces a man, she has to make a good income to meet the needs of her family with or without him, especially if the father has repeatedly said, he doesn't want to pay any child support. Sometimes she has to relocate to pursue a job offer, sell items from the home, and do other things to ensure that the family’s lifestyle is comfortable. But if a mother does anything that appears the least bit selfish, such as leave the children for a time with the father, or another relative until she can get her life established, she is viewed as the parent who abandoned her children. However, if a father was to do the same, he is in transition or seeking better opportunities to help his family until he can get on his feet. Single mothers desperate for companionship will not think twice about the negative portrayal of a bachelor's children’s mother until something occurs where she is very much involved in her children’s lives.

So why would a man do and say spiteful things against the mother of his children? Oftentimes it is because of the following:

1. He never forgave her for leaving him even though he had much to do with her departure.

2. He is jealous that she moved on successfully without him.

3. His ex’s lifestyle is better than his ie.) material wealth, fame, power, etc.

4. Her new man is a better fit for the ex.

5. He can’t find a sufficient mate that can satisfy him physically and/or mentally.

6. He is often angry that he has to raise the children without the ex which keeps him from partaking in his selfish pleasures.

Some lies the disgruntled father will say to his dates and other women about the mother of his children who simply want her children in her life, yet he still has unresolved past issues with her:

“Their mother isn’t loving and doesn’t care about them.”

He will say this because he wants a “mother figure” or “step-mother” to help him care for the children. So in order to get the new woman in his life to do her best, he has to put down the mother of his children and praise his love interest. However, the woman will begin to weary herself of doing everything for him and the children. In time, she will realize that he was just merely using her to help him spite the ex and/or compete with the ex through material goods he wouldn’t ordinarily be interested in.

“We don’t get along and I rarely speak to her.”

To ensure that the single woman doesn’t consider the mother of his children a threat, he has to make it appear like he doesn’t converse with the mother of his children much. Most often this is true depending on how long the two have been broken up, but his conversation (whether good or bad) about her reveals she is often on his mind. Yet, in between his relationships and during down moments with other exs, he was and most likely will be contacting the mother of his children for one thing or another. Don’t be surprised when the two appear to be amicable while he made you think they couldn’t stand one another.

“She just left us…”

There is more to that story than a mother just moving to another neighborhood, city, state, or country. A discerning woman will learn in time that there were a myriad of things that occurred that would move a mother to leave her husband and children. However, sometimes a mother desires to have her children back in her care after getting better from a pregnancy, an illness, relocation, new job, or something else, but the father refuses. In cases like this, the court doesn’t consider a mother abandoning children when it has been proven that she always wanted them. But a deceitful ex-husband or boyfriend who is trying to build a good reputation with a gullible woman will make it appear so. Some women leave children and never return, others remain in the children’s lives in whatever way they can get them.

“She treated me like…she said I was…she did this…and she hated me because...”

The “She say” and “She did” conversation about his ex or exes should be a red flag to you. What is with all the blame and mean-spirited story-telling? Sounds like someone has a hard time focusing on the present and staying positive about the future. What might he be teaching his children about their mother? Not only that, his negative demeanor should tell you that he isn’t a good friend. Speaking of friends, does he really have any? How might he treat you in the future?

Before you jump on the bandwagon of a liar, who is also unforgiving and mean-spirited when it comes to the mother or mothers of his children, think about this, you might be next. Protect yourself from the lies. Do your research and speak positively about the mother of his children whenever you can, then watch his face. Consider what is in the best interest of the children especially when the children cry out, “I want to live with my mother!”  One day some of you reading this might be called into court to share your observations of what he has said and did to cause friction between mother and children hopefully you will be the women who speak truth; rather than perpetuate lies that keep a mother crying.

Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry, see her Youtube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7

Fathers & Newborns: A Different Kind of Relationship

Fathers aren’t in love with newborns like mothers. For example, while mother is sleeping and father is restless he may continue to lie in the bed hoping the baby will wake up the mother so that he doesn’t have to tend to him or her. Mothers will do the same. A silent war between the couple ensues – no one wants to care for the baby for the millionth time!

Fathers know how to turn a deaf ear to not only their baby’s cries, but the mothers too! Just as they will act as if they don’t hear the baby in the middle of the night, they will pretend not to notice the mother’s post-partum cries. They know that eventually the mother will tend to the baby's needs while calling up her own mother for support.

Be Encouraged!

When you feel like giving up on everything
When the pain seems too much to bear
When people scandalize your name
When no one seems to care.

When the man you love says goodbye
When your child cries and cries
Don't lose your mind!
Don't hate your life!
Don't kill what you have built!

Stand strong in the face of those who have hurt you
Stand strong when man threatens you
Stand strong when the woman you love lies
Stand strong!

Know that you weren't created to be any one's
physical or verbal punching bag!

You are special!
Your talents exceptional!
Live each day better than the next
and know that it is inevitable that we all will die one day.

Let no one move you to take your own life
through smoking, drinking, drugs and the like.

Let no one move you to take your own life
through starvation, manipulation, and lack of creation.

For there is someone greater than you!
The flowers weren't planted by the man who abuses
the sky wasn't created by the woman who misuses
their minds, bodies and souls!

Don't lose your mind!
Find your heart
know that you have
purpose from the very start!

Written by: Nicholl McGuire

Unloved

You may be a mother who had children for a man whom you thought loved you. You may have thought that your role as mother was worth so much more than an occassional hug, a holiday card, or a gift. Your children may not think much of your role, because they are either too young or old enough to know better, but refuse to acknowledge you as such. Whatever the case may be, it is the sickness you feel in the pit of your stomach and the ache you sometimes feel in your throat when you can't talk about the man or the children without choking up. Summed up in three words: you feel unloved!

I know because I have felt like this in the past similar to what Leah in the Bible must have felt like, even though I didn't purposely get pregnant (like she did) so that my men would love me, I know about that feeling of rejection. You see, I thought that I would be treated with some honor because I was a mother, but I learned that just because you feel a certain way about being a mother doesn't mean that the world will treat you like one! You may not carry yourself in a way that fits someone else's definition of what a mother is supposed to act like. I know at times I didn't fit anyone's definition, especially when I had bad stomach cramps and an unsupportive partner -- people just don't visualize mothers having bad days. When I say unsupportive, I mean, he was not interested in trying to make my role any easier. He wasn't interested in helping me ease my burdens as it related to the children. I needed daycare, he didn't want them in there. I needed more help from his side of the family, he didn't bother to go out of his way to get them to help me. I wanted him to treat me more like a woman such as making love, dating, etc. He rather treat me more like a babysitter and roommate.

One day I thought about women, myself included, who have relationships that started out good yet ended badly once the children arrived. A break up is challenging enough to deal with, but what's worse, is watching the father make your replacement (the other woman) feel more special than you! Here you are the woman who gave birth to the children, made sacrifices for them, loved and desired your man, yet he can manage to find the time to show another woman a good time while you sit at home not only spending time with your children, but babysit for him as well! I laughed to myself one day, as I was making food for the children, because I was thinking about the quickest way to administer justice on a father/partner who says, "He is bored, fallen out of love with you, needs some space..." is to give him custody of the children! Since he made you feel unloved during the relationship, didn't appreciate the efforts you had made with the children, and wouldn't do anything to make you feel comfortable being a mother, why not? Let him see how it feels to have to go everywhere with children in tote, to have to deal with the temper tantrums, to have to make time for their wants and needs, and to most of all feel unloved and unappreciated!

There are people in this world that often take advantage of mothers, because we have allowed them to do it. We don't make them suffer any consequences for the times they didn't help us when we needed them most, we don't allow them to experience parenting frustrations without playing Jesus, and we are often giving and never accepting the opportunities that are thrown our way to help us get back in touch with ourselves. If we are allowing these sorts of things to happen, then we can't expect much from our relationships.

Although we can't make a person love us, we can make them understand that our role isn't as easy as they think it is and when times get rough, we don't always have to be available. Sometimes we will have to turn off the phone, run some bath water, sit at a park, and do absolutely nothing!

Very Part-Time Mothering

Some of us get what we pray for! In my experience, the opportunity to live my life without my children for long stretches at a time. I asked God recently to uplift me from some of my parenting responsibilities, because it was literally making me sick and he did just that! Some happy-go-lucky parents (and those who have lost their children to death) will be very critical without even considering the details. Others will be curious while some may even be jealous, wishing the same for themselves. For those wondering why pray such a prayer, I'll tell you...

Years ago, before the pro-life activists got a hold of me and told me that abortion was wrong, I had thought of the "what ifs" in my life as young as 15 years old. What would happen if I became pregnant, how would everyone react? What if my teenage boyfriend and I decided we didn't want the child? What if I couldn't get over what I had done? What if he wanted the child? Well back then I had a scare, which only turned out to be nothing more than a late period because I had recently joined the track team. Although I had protected myself, the condom found its way inside rather than outside and we were fishing for it, so that is why I was very scared back then that I could be pregnant. So years later, as an adult with four children and the opportunity in my life to have two families and be a stay-at-home mother in both failed relationships, I have decided to go ahead and let the fathers keep our sons. I could have fought with one father in the court again and win them back. Meanwhile, take the burden off the other father and collect a child support check, but why? Some would argue, because their your children, well they are theirs too. Because you don't want another woman raising them, well she won't be the only influence in their lives and besides I could use her help too. Because you are a better parent than they are, I could be, but it's the fathers' turn to figure things out like I did while they worked.

You see, I have read about so many women fleeing with children in tote with a little bit of nothing to offer them while the fathers live better, have more, and can ultimately afford more than she could ever give her children. As I write I think of one of the fathers telling me how he is going to put our two sons in private school. Sounds great, but on my wages (a writer and a secretary -- it may never happen?! But if he can, more power to him!) You see, I am done trying to prove myself (with tears in my eyes, a hand on my forehead, and unbelievable PMS issues- which are being treated) to a society who tells me what motherhood should look like -- what's good for the goose isn't necessarily what's good for this gander! I love my children, God knows I do, but there is something deep within that just can't fully wrap myself around the idea of society's definition of mother. It isn't the typical Webster's dictionary definition that I argue with, but it's the societal view that we shouldn't voice our burdens about motherhood; rather be grateful and feel blessed, as well as "the all mothers go through this" societal attitude, "so just live with it" when we are seeking help.

Just like we wanted equal rights as women to vote, to work, and to play sports, I want equal rights when it comes to my choice of how often I want to mother my children. For me the annual spring break, winter break, and shared summer break, works best for me -- thank you very much!

I think of those women who are gasping for air, struggling to breath, heart pounding, shaking violently, and wishing for someone to go get their pills so that they can swallow a substance designed to bring them back to a life they are so tired of living! (I know because I been there!) Mother awakes to baby cries, changes diapers, feeds, plays, rocks, nurses, teaches, cleans, sacrifices her personal life, and so on and so fourth...while an unsupportive partner, who doesn't even bother to help her when she is sick, says, "I prefer you stay home with the children. I don't want them in daycare. I don't think this relationship is working. I don't think you should say that to our child. I don't think you should feed our child that...I don't think that you should buy our child this..." How about I think fathers and self-righteous family and so-called friends should, "Shut up!" If it isn't something that is hurting the child, leave the mother alone! Further, when she is down and out, why kick her? Why expect her to be something she doesn't or can't be in the midst of her illness?

You see, in the end I have learned it isn't my family and I being buried in the same grave together, it's just me! So if I have some people around me that feel like they can do a better job than me, then so be it and who cares what society thinks! I'm all for very part-time mothering! Men have been very part-time fathers for centuries, so if they want to make up for lost time, then God bless them!