Secret Resentment, Anger and Wish Children Weren't Born

It catches up to parents and grandparents sooner or later, the anger they had when they received the news long ago, "You are expecting."  Some family members (or maybe you) weren't ready then, never completely accepted the responsibility as babies grew, and by the time children turned into adults, there is bad blood, because parents and grandparents "were not that happy about having children" or "my children make me mad...I don't have much in life because of them!" 

There are plenty of parents and grandparents who had unresolved issues before children came along, so by the time grandchildren and great grandchildren come along, they too experience the pain that rejection causes just like their mothers and fathers went through.  It is a reality that many matriarchs would rather not face, but sooner or later what is in darkness comes to light.

"I never wanted that little girl...I knew she was going to be a problem...I always felt I would have problems with my son.  From a little boy, I could see that we would never get along..." so one's prophecy was correct, now what? 

Grandchildren come along and great grandchildren and oftentimes the hate extends to them as well.  Self-righteous, prideful and selfish kin refuse to change, because "My daddy was like that...My mother didn't show me love, so that's why I'm that way."  So the excuses continue to be made and no one breaks the curse. 

"Why doesn't grandma bother with us?  What did you do, Dad?  Why don't the rest of the family care for us?" a child says.  The truth is told to the curious child, "Some people are just not going to get along with one another even if they grew up in the same families.  There are those who don't know how to love or deserve our love," explains a mother. 

When it comes to creating a project, you know you just can't make square pegs fit in round holes no matter how much you apply force without the wood cracking.  Therefore, when it comes to familial relationships, you can't make people love one another no matter how many television shows you have watched, counselors you have visited, families you have compared yours to, and more.  There are plenty of people that get along quite nicely, because they don't connect with one another and those who are often at war because they communicate too much. 

The parents and grandparents, who couldn't wait for children to grow up and get out, are populating many senior citizen dwellings around the world.  These lonely men and women rarely get any visitors, because they got just what they wanted, God knows.  Some forgot about prayers said long ago, "Lord, I can't wait until these children grow up and have families of their own...I wish my children would just leave me alone...I can't stand this child!" If the elders never reversed the prayers of rejection they spouted off, then they are still very active.  It isn't any wonder that children feel the tension in the air when they show up to relatives' homes.  They eventually learn to keep away whether the rejection, resentment, jealousy, bitterness and more from kinfolk is ever verbalized or not.  Adult sons and daughters and their families go where they feel loved, appreciated, and where there will be the least amount of drama especially around holidays.

This secret resentment, anger or wish that a child had never been born doesn't easily go away for those who have never experienced genuine love and aren't much interested in obtaining professional counsel to be free from past issues.  The rejection of children is a cycle in many families that doesn't seem to end, because no one is aware that it is going on.  This is why countless children experience verbal, emotional, sexual, physical, and spiritual abuse in environments that are supposed to be loving and safe. 

Ask yourself, "Why is it that I or parents and grandparents resent children so?  Why do I or they act so unwilling to connect outside of periodic gift-giving and/or emergency crisis?  Why are some relatives so bitter to the point that I can't help but wonder if they were self-harmed, had been abused, or hurt others in the family?  Do I or my children have to put up with a tensed atmosphere?

Finding much fault and resentment with children is not normal.  Cursing and throwing things at or around children over the littlest of things are signs the person doing them is emotionally unstable.  It is always best to keep children away from angry people or else they behave just like them or exhibit low self-esteem and nervousness. 

Most families, especially mothers, who sincerely want relationships with their children will not do things to keep them distant even if fathers don't have good relationships with them.  But unstable, insecure, abused, and sickly women will.  I recall many stories of mothers and grandmothers who didn't have quality relationships with daughters, sons and grandchildren, and it wasn't because the children were "bad" since many had moved on with their lives and no longer came around, but it was due to these women having far too many personal issues they just didn't have the mindset and energy to deal with their families and the children could see this.  So younger relatives either coped with the negativity from dysfunctional matriarchs and patriarchs or guarded themselves and children from it.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and other books.

6 Essential Tips For Working Mothers

"A mother's work is never done" (sigh). Just when you think you're through, you find you've only just begun. You aren’t the only one!

If the pressure of balancing your work and parenting is ultimately leading you to give both your work and family less, it is time to find a new parenting strategy and quick! When a work from home mom decides to set clear boundaries and manage her time effectively she can dramatically reduce parenting stress and boost her parenting joy. So let’s get started.

Six Essential Work Life Survival Parenting Tips for the Work at Home Mom (WAHM)

Your happiness as a work at home mom (WAHM) depends on your commitment to following these six parenting time management tips:

1. Ban your open door policy. Set your work hours and stick with them. Unless your job requires you to answer the phone, answer it only on your schedule. A work at home mom (WAHM) has no time for distractions (especially from your kids and spouse—likely your biggest distractions). This only leads to low productivity. Make certain every member of your household knows the times of day when you are and are not available for interruptions and stick with this schedule.

2. Involve your family in what you do. Talk about what you do, ask your family to help solve work problems (children often find very creative solutions), and let them help you with small jobs like licking envelopes. One work at home mom I know asked her nine year old daughter to answer the business telephone when the receptionist called in sick, on one of their biggest sales days. This boosted her daughter's self-esteem and also helped her appreciate how her mother's work put a roof over her head, food in her mouth and clothes on her back.

3. Consciously make the transition from work to home. When it is family time, focus on the family. Make certain you have cleared the work cobwebs from your head. Write down your to-do list for the next day and ask yourself before you leave your desk, "How can I make my time with my family special?" Then smile and give them a hug when you see them. Too tired? Take a 20 minute cat nap, a quick walk, meditate for a short while or say a little prayer to let go of your day, so you can be all they deserve you to be.

4. Remember it's about quality time, not quantity time. When you are with your family, be with your family. Leave work behind so you can focus on them. "Light up" as soon as they come into the room and find fun ways to do mealtimes, and even clean-up times together. Half an hour of positive can prevent dozens of hours of misbehavior.

5. Solve misbehavior time-wasters. As a family counselor, I regularly hear variations on the complaint, "My kids are driving me crazy, but I'm too crazy to find time to learn how to stop them from driving me crazy." There are simple ways to motivate your children to want to be well behaved. Invest the time now, so you don't spend more time and frustration later on (which of course takes away from time you can devote to your work).

6. Schedule your self-care time. The most critical key to your WAHM success is to nurture some of your needs so you can continually renew your passion for parenting. You need time to replenish your energy so you can be more efficient, productive and happy. With so much on your plate it is essential that you schedule a minimum of 20 minutes a day for you. Before or after the kids are in bed is generally the easiest to stick with.

By the way, if putting your self-care needs first makes you feel guilty and selfish, then don't do it for you—do it for your family. It is time that your self-care became a necessity, not a luxury so you can give more to all you do—at both work and home. Remember that if you are emotionally and physically healthy, you will be able to give more quality time to your family.

The six parenting time-management tips above will allow even the busiest work at home mom to finally have her cake and eat it too. By successfully balancing work and family, you will model for your children a fulfilled and healthy woman and your family will no longer have to deal with a "burnout-mom" but a happy one!


Kelly Nault-Matzen, M.A., is a corporate spokesperson, mother and wife, family counselor and founder of http://UltimateParent.Com —a company that provides parenting resources such as the Mommy Moments online parenting course. To gain access to more parenting tools visit http://www.ultimateparenting.com

You Are Not Just A Mother, You Are You First!

Mothers face many challenges in today’s world. They carry the responsibility of many roles. Through these roles we become different things to different people. Sometimes we get divided over having a career and having a families or find conflict between the different jobs that we try to do. Making the question “Who am I?” even harder to answer.

It grows harder because mothers see this little person that looks up at them with innocent trusting eyes, mommy is everything to that little one. She makes the hurt from boo-boos go away with a kiss, chases the monsters from under the bed away, and rocks them after a bad dream. Every mother takes that responsibility and carries it with her no matter where she goes. It is an awesome responsibility of caring for this wonderful little person and being mom is always on the mind. As much as it is wonderful to revel in mommyhood, we still need to remember that being a mother is just one part of us, the more we allow ourselves to see who we are the better examples we can set for our children to leading a balanced life.

As a mother, I have struggled to find my own identity. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a business owner, a sister, a friend…..but who am I? It is easy to define yourself by what you do and what you mean to other people. As we take on these different roles our own identity gets blurred. It is harder to make the distinction. Who am I if I am not Logan’s mom or Ben’s wife?

Who are you? A wife, a mother, an employee, they are all a part of who we are, but they do not define you. We are the only ones that are able to define who we are. When are we just women? Women that have our own values, ideas, and philosophies, women that are able to embrace their different roles in life, but still are able to maintain there sense of “self”.

The importance of women defining who they are is giving them a chance to grow as women. To recognize that they need to take off all the different hats that they wear during the day and take time to honor who they are.

The problem is that because they are in so many different roles that they stop seeing themselves separate from them. They stop taking time for themselves, because they are giving so much to everyone else. Does this sound familiar? Have you lost your identity among the different jobs that you do everyday? How do you see yourself?

Here are a few questions that can help you determine if you are defining yourself by what you do instead of who you are:

Do you spend at least an hour a day doing the things that you want to do? (Reading, participating in hobbies, watching your favorite TV program, etc)

When asked to describe yourself do you start with “I enjoy…” or “I am a woman that believe/feel….”? Or do you say, “I am a mother…” or “I am a nurse…”

Are you able to say “no” to things that interfere with the things that you want to do? Or that you do not have time for?

Do you feel that your life is in balance? Which means that you get enough time to pursue your own interest instead of just the interest of your children or significant other?

Do you feel that you spend time equally on yourself as you do on others?

If you answered “no” to any of the questions it is time to get back in touch with yourself. You need to not only stop defining yourself by what you do but you need to spend sometime getting to know who you are.

Here are some tips for you to get in touch with the forgotten woman inside.

Make sure that you spend time perusing your own interests. The problem with defining yourself by what you do is that you don’t give yourself time to do what you want to do; your time is spent doing for others. Do something that you have always wanted to do; take a class, start a book club, anything that gives you some time to just do your own thing. Above all make the time to do it! It’s ok to do something for yourself.

Say “NO” frequently! Just because you take on different roles does not mean that you have to do everything for everybody. Recognize when there is something that others could really do for themselves. Do not let yourself be taken advantage of! REMEMBER it is just as much of a benefit for others to learn how to do for themselves as it is to you.

Make sure that you have OFF DUTY time! Just like a conventional job, make sure there is a time of day when you are done. Don’t work right up until you go to bed. Give yourself time to unwind, distress, and relax. Wait until the kids are in bed and take a long hot bubble bath. Curl up in your favorite chair with a good book. Meditate or do yoga. Do whatever relaxes you. You need this time to maintain some balance. Because of you multiple roles you are “on the clock” the majority of the time. You have to have time to distress! Without it you are going to “burn out”. Visualize your bank account if you keep making withdraws without making a deposit, eventually you are going to just run out of resources. Make sure to take time to revitalize yourself.

I have found that by maintaining my own identity that I am a better mother, wife, daughter, business owner, sister, and friend. It maintains balance in my life because I know that even though I am different things to different people; I know what it means to just be me.


Tonya Ramsey is a writer, speaker, life coach, and owner of LifeDesignSite.com She specializes in helping women improve their foundation of self in order to bring prosperity into their lives. Her passion is to assist women in empowering themselves.