Friday

Secret Resentment, Anger and Wish Children Weren't Born

It catches up to parents and grandparents sooner or later, the anger they had when they received the news long ago, "You are expecting."  Some family members (or maybe you) weren't ready then, never completely accepted the responsibility as babies grew, and by the time children turned into adults, there is bad blood, because parents and grandparents "were not that happy about having children" or "my children make me mad...I don't have much in life because of them!" 

There are plenty of parents and grandparents who had unresolved issues before children came along, so by the time grandchildren and great grandchildren come along, they too experience the pain that rejection causes just like their mothers and fathers went through.  It is a reality that many matriarchs would rather not face, but sooner or later what is in darkness comes to light.

"I never wanted that little girl...I knew she was going to be a problem...I always felt I would have problems with my son.  From a little boy, I could see that we would never get along..." so one's prophecy was correct, now what? 

Grandchildren come along and great grandchildren and oftentimes the hate extends to them as well.  Self-righteous, prideful and selfish kin refuse to change, because "My daddy was like that...My mother didn't show me love, so that's why I'm that way."  So the excuses continue to be made and no one breaks the curse. 

"Why doesn't grandma bother with us?  What did you do, Dad?  Why don't the rest of the family care for us?" a child says.  The truth is told to the curious child, "Some people are just not going to get along with one another even if they grew up in the same families.  There are those who don't know how to love or deserve our love," explains a mother. 

When it comes to creating a project, you know you just can't make square pegs fit in round holes no matter how much you apply force without the wood cracking.  Therefore, when it comes to familial relationships, you can't make people love one another no matter how many television shows you have watched, counselors you have visited, families you have compared yours to, and more.  There are plenty of people that get along quite nicely, because they don't connect with one another and those who are often at war because they communicate too much. 

The parents and grandparents, who couldn't wait for children to grow up and get out, are populating many senior citizen dwellings around the world.  These lonely men and women rarely get any visitors, because they got just what they wanted, God knows.  Some forgot about prayers said long ago, "Lord, I can't wait until these children grow up and have families of their own...I wish my children would just leave me alone...I can't stand this child!" If the elders never reversed the prayers of rejection they spouted off, then they are still very active.  It isn't any wonder that children feel the tension in the air when they show up to relatives' homes.  They eventually learn to keep away whether the rejection, resentment, jealousy, bitterness and more from kinfolk is ever verbalized or not.  Adult sons and daughters and their families go where they feel loved, appreciated, and where there will be the least amount of drama especially around holidays.

This secret resentment, anger or wish that a child had never been born doesn't easily go away for those who have never experienced genuine love and aren't much interested in obtaining professional counsel to be free from past issues.  The rejection of children is a cycle in many families that doesn't seem to end, because no one is aware that it is going on.  This is why countless children experience verbal, emotional, sexual, physical, and spiritual abuse in environments that are supposed to be loving and safe. 

Ask yourself, "Why is it that I or parents and grandparents resent children so?  Why do I or they act so unwilling to connect outside of periodic gift-giving and/or emergency crisis?  Why are some relatives so bitter to the point that I can't help but wonder if they were self-harmed, had been abused, or hurt others in the family?  Do I or my children have to put up with a tensed atmosphere?

Finding much fault and resentment with children is not normal.  Cursing and throwing things at or around children over the littlest of things are signs the person doing them is emotionally unstable.  It is always best to keep children away from angry people or else they behave just like them or exhibit low self-esteem and nervousness. 

Most families, especially mothers, who sincerely want relationships with their children will not do things to keep them distant even if fathers don't have good relationships with them.  But unstable, insecure, abused, and sickly women will.  I recall many stories of mothers and grandmothers who didn't have quality relationships with daughters, sons and grandchildren, and it wasn't because the children were "bad" since many had moved on with their lives and no longer came around, but it was due to these women having far too many personal issues they just didn't have the mindset and energy to deal with their families and the children could see this.  So younger relatives either coped with the negativity from dysfunctional matriarchs and patriarchs or guarded themselves and children from it.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and other books.

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Over 20 years office work experience, six years completed college coursework, background in print media and communications, recognized for exceptional attendance and received merit increase for past job performance, self-published author and part-time entrepreneur, Internet marketing and social media experience. Interned for non-profit organization, women's group and community service business. Additional experience: teaching/training others, customer service and sales. Learn more at Nicholl McGuire and Nicholl McGuire Media

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