How Couples Manage to Stay Together at Least Until their Children's Teen Years

You heard of the many relationships that ended after years of being together.  Upon closer inspection, you noticed that some couples stayed together up until teen or young adult years before separating or divorcing.  For them, the timing was right.  It was as if they planned to end the relationship at what they felt was the right time in their lives.

As children grow older and become more independent, there is no need for miserable couples to stay together.  The focus has been on the children for so long that they don't want to have to care for one another through old age.  Freedom looks good, peace--not having to care for anyone but self.  No disputing, no annoying habits, or ugly ways to put up with, the couple reasons, "It's for the best."

So how did they manage to be together for so long in the first place?

1.  They created separate lives despite living together.

2.  They focused primarily on parenting the children and avoided unnecessary conversation about matters of the heart concerning one another.

3.  They connected with people outside of one another and used these individuals to keep them strong.

4.  They weren't always truthful about how they truly felt about one another so as to keep the peace.

5.  They worked hard not to let the children see or hear everything that was going wrong between them.

6.  They found hobbies, took classes, traveled and did other things so that they didn't have to be around each other much.

Not every relationship is centered on love, many are arranged marriages and partnerships for the sake of the children.  When a troubled couple is not very much interested in one another, like they once were, they learn to cope with one another until the opportune time to be free.  If you are in such a relationship, as long as your safety is not at risk, do what you can to stay positive and be there for the children if you know that leaving is not the best option at this time.  Who knows, maybe love will come alive for you and your partner again.   However, this doesn't come without work, honest feelings, and a desire to create the kind of relationship that stands the test of time.

Nicholl McGuire

6 Ways to Know It's Time to Break Up

When Loving a Man Costs Too Much

A woman gives up her single, happy life to date a man she thinks she knows.  She ignores her gut feeling.  She pretends as if he doesn't have any exs.  She acts as if she has the best you know what than any of the women preceeding him.  The two eventually get married, because she thinks, "It's what's best."  Later, they have a baby or two, or three, or four, or five plus.  Then she supposedly finds out he is bad news and so she plays hell trying to stick the relationship out.  While she is working hard to be the best wife/friend, he could care less.  She forsakes family and friends for the man.  She goes into massive debt for the man.  She works a job or two for the household.  And with all that, he finds fault with her, badmouths her to others, and then smiles in her face when he needs her to do yet another thing. 

How many times have we seen this scenario play out in a television movie, hear someone talk about "a friend" or worse have this sort of thing happen to any one of us?  Whether she is a woman of faith or not, desperate singles looking for a lover, sugar daddy, or a father figure for their children, will play out a fantasy of sorts, while hoping for the best.  She envisions a life where she doesn't have to work as hard, someone will love her, and she can create a photobook of Kodak moments!  Therefore, she opens heart, arms, and legs wide for someone/something (a dark spirit) that she doesn't know has more issues than she.  Whether he is a compulsive liar, spender, gambler, porn addict, alcohol abuser, drug user, unavailable, emotionally and/or physically abusive, a desperate woman will look to be fulfilled.  "We can pray about all that later...we can deal with the issues--everyone has issues...lets just get married, have a baby, move, buy a house, get a car."  Reason away challenge after challenge.  Justify, defend and fight anyone who objects/warns/advises.  Mom says, "Honey, maybe you might want to slow down, I mean take your time.  You really don't know this guy that well."  The gullible woman retorts, "I know what I'm doing...Well, I did this because...I feel that what is going on is just..."  The silly woman, blinded by her own fantasy, is not listening, so stop talking!

Sisters:  white, yellow, red, black, and everyone in between--enough is enough!  Some of us have been played by men, used, abused, and tricked.  Then what does the Judas in our circle do?  She overlooks the warnings we tell her, turns on her sisters like a rattle snake, and goes back to the man (causing her so much pain) running her mouth about everything she thinks she knows.  The poor woman boasts, "Well, I share everything with my man, don't you?"  Everything!? 

In time, what her sorry excuse for a husband/boyfriend was doing is now not doing, and the relationship begins to take on a different course then what her mind had imagined, now the tearful lady wants back in the sisters' circle.  She returns offering her service.  She calls friends for a bit of comfort.  She finds family and friends once again a bit refreshing.  But then the mentally disturbed women turns into Judas again, telling what she has learned to her husband/boyfriend.  How long will she keep running to and fro giving what little strength she has left to stand to the one who exhausts her of her energy in the first place?  How long will she blame everyone else for the pain that her mate is causing?  How long will she lie/cover up the fact that her lover was nothing more than a fraud?

Love has its limit, an expiration date, contrary to what some songs like to make us believe.  There comes a point in any relationship where one has to evaluate, "Am I really loving my husband/children's father or am I just tolerating him?"  It is hard for any woman to rebound from cheating, lying conniving, manipulators who are controlling and more!  Any hurtful thing that a mate repeatedly does, even after you have screamed, "Ouch, that hurts!" is abusing you. 

The phrase, "I love you" can become a burden when the cost becomes too high for anyone to pay.  Consider such a phrase coming from someone abusing you, can you honestly believe that?  From the wife to the children, when all one can think about is, "How much is it going to cost to break free--I just want out of this miserable life?"  You are already paying too much!  When a woman can't sit amongst a group of other women without worrying about who/what/when/where/why concerning her man, she is already paying too much!  When she goes about her day resenting all she is doing for others, rather than appreciating them, the cost of love has become too much for her little mind to pay!  It is unfortunate, but many women have gone to their graves in the name of so-called love, when in all actuality, they went down in hate!  They hated spouses, resented children, and wished for nothing, but love and happiness and never really experienced either for long.

There are far too many women who have permitted selfish needs to override love.  They just had to have everything that their sisters have and now they are physically and mentally sick--they just couldn't wait.  "I have to get married now!  I have to have a baby now!  I have to get the job now!  I have to move now!  I have to have a pet now!"  You get the point, because you most likely have been there and done that already.

These women believe in spouses that don't believe in them (unless they are always ready and able to assist,) but when they are sick and unable to perform, their selfish men don't love them in sickness.  Rather, they look to get their needs taken care of elsewhere.  These unfulfilled women, and dare I say it weak-minded, seek all sorts of distractions and addictions to keep their minds off of their unsatisfying relationships.  They will even go so far as to allow their mates, who they have shared their sisters' weaknesses with, to infiltrate their minds and hearts with foolish talk.  "Oh, those ladies at work are just jealous of you...you know you can't trust women...those women in your support group are stupid, you are better than them!"  So the sick woman, who still has a lot of healing yet to do, regresses.  She doesn't get any better even after cutting out this person and that one, ending this activity and another one!  "Maybe, my husband is right."  Back into his arms she goes, then not too long afterward, she is out of them, wishing she had never let her guard down with him once again!

You can't talk real truth with weak-minded women who are sold out on weak-minded men.  If you have a faith, you can pray for them, but that's about all you can do.  There is a certain degree of mind control that takes place with some women who have spent far too many years imagining what life would be like with that supposed ideal guy.  A mind-control that the woman created prior to meeting her fellow.  She planned their meeting.  She agreed to pay for whatever he wanted.  She decided where they would go and what he would do and what they would build together.  What sounds like, "We" really is about "Me."  And when her dreams don't turn out the way she wanted, her self-programming is broken.  She awakens to a world where she isn't as nice, sweet and polite as she thought and the one she is with isn't any different.  She is tested beyond measure and the children look on in disbelief.  She is a fool for love--she is yelling, breaking things, slamming doors, having temper tantrums, snooping through his things, threatening him, texting him day and night...and whatever else.

Is he really worth it?  Maybe for some of you he is and if so, any logical person will question, "Why?"  Yet, for others, pick up what is left of your mind, and get out while you still can, if not for you, for the children.


Nicholl McGuire   

5 Things to Expect When You Move On Without Your Children's Father

You spent years crying, fighting, and persuading your children's father to do what's right concerning your relationship and the children, but he fought you every step of the way by doing what he wanted without regard for your feelings.  So now when you are ready to do you, he wants to act as if he still has a right to be in your life by any means necessary.  You can take back control if you are aware in advance of the things he will do and say in the future in an attempt to hinder your success.

1.  He will want you back until he finds someone that he feels is a good replacement.

From pregnancy to marriage, a man that still has feelings for his children's mother will do just about anything to quell his emotions.  So if he can find a good match for himself, he will move on.  But if not, he will continue to act as if he has a place in your bed, your heart, or wherever you might go in life.

2.  He will threaten, lie, stalk or do other things to impede your progress because he is jealous, insecure, etc.

Some mothers will never move on because they continue to share personal business about themselves to their children's father.  Even if a mother no longer wants him, whatever she says to him, might be potentially harmful.  Don't talk about your new friend.  Don't feel it necessary to tell him the details about your employment.  And, don't personally update him on any successes and failures in your life or talk about those individuals the two of you know.  Do note episodes of anger outbursts (include days and times), days of the week and times when you saw him drive pass your home, and anything else that might be useful in case you might have to one day go to court.  

3.  He will tarnish your reputation with his (or your) family, friends and new partners, whether boldly or subtly, by exaggerating, lying, making false assumptions, creating a pity party, reveal private information, and fault-find.

If you thought he was a friend, think again!  Remember he is your children's father.  A heartbroken man is like a heartbroken woman, after he has been hurt, he looks for opportunities to cast revenge--even if he claims to be a child of God!

4.  He will act as if he is amicable toward you in front of others, but when alone with you he will make snarky comments in the hopes that you will get upset so that he can tell others, "I told you she was crazy..."

Some men take great satisfaction in seeing former girlfriends angry, because they were emotionally wounded.  Rather than act in a way that he expects when insulted, confronted, ridiculed, bad-mouthed, or disrespected, act out of the ordinary.  Put on your professional demeanor and act like you would if your boss was going to give you thousands of dollars extra for dealing with a difficult customer/client/employee.

5.  He will seek an attorney, borrow money and do other things to orchestrate a plan to get the children--that is if he really wants them.  Otherwise, he will let you keep them, because he assumes they will slow you down and you won't be interested in doing much else, but working and caring for them while he goes off and have his fun. (That is if you reverse the tables on him.)

Some men truly want to be fathers to their children, while others not so much and would prefer to be free to explore life, have a myriad of sexual encounters, etc.  While others weren't given a choice, but to care for their children even if they didn't really want to.  Whatever category your children's father falls into, know that he is going to have a plan up his sleeve that suits him and inconveniences you.

Now that you have five things to think about as you move on with your life, believe that with every step you make toward your goals, you will be stronger and wiser and still the best mom you can be whether near or far--I'm a witness!

Nicholl McGuire
Author of When Mothers Cry

7 Things To Expect When Breaking Up With Your Child's Father

It was inevitable, we were going to break up and I believe looking back I was somewhat unprepared. So I share my knowledge in the hopes that someone who is fed up with being with the father will think carefully before ending the relationship.

1. Consider putting everything in writing and discussing with an attorney.

From who gets the children on what days and times to finances, talk to your ex about what you are willing to give and receive as a result of the breakup. Any disagreements or discrepancies should be dealt with in court. As much as we think we can avoid it, at some point you just might. A separation agreement is simply not enough when there are ongoing disputes about the care of the children, so get representation in court and have plenty of proof that is "in the best interest of the children" to argue your case.

2. Proceed cautiously when dating.

You never want to date someone soon after breaking up with a partner, at least not for all eyes to see, because this might be misconstrued as cheating which won't help matters.

3. Jealous emotions and anger out of nowhere.

You might have thought everything was okay between you and he in the beginning. That is until he starts ranting about the littlest of things. Deep down inside he is angry about you moving on with your life and jealous of the possibility that you might do it with someone who is better than he.

4. Children misbehaving.

From sleepless nights to acting out in school, children will not behave in the way that you want on a consistent basis for awhile. It takes some children longer than others to adjust to two homes, two parties, two holidays, and other changes that you and your ex-partner have set up at each of your locations.

5. Distance from relatives and friends.

Depending on how close the relationship, your relatives and mutual friends may behave differently toward you. Some may come around more during this stressful time of your life and others might act distant. You will know where these people's loyalty lies. When you discover the truth about some so-called relatives and friends, avoid talking to them about anything that is personal.

6. Money woes.

Breakups cost money especially if you are the one moving. So be prepared for the onslaught of bills. Collectors might call, overdrafts might start appearing on your bank account, past due maxed out credit card bills, etc. If you plan well and sell as much as you can to offset the bills, you might come out ahead.

7. Vengeance.

Your ex may promise not to do anything to hurt you, but if he has feelings of hurt he may do the total opposite. He may abuse joint accounts that you have yet to clear your name from. Talk negatively about you to relatives and friends. Sleep around. Ride women in his car. Stalk or threaten you. If you notice any abusive behavior or potentially abusive behavior like destroying property, notify authorities. You might think it isn't a big deal, but just think of the women who died due to a break up because they didn't tell anyone about the signs leading up to their former partner's evil actions.

There are many more things you might encounter after a break up, but just remember if you have a faith, you will see the positive in every situation. Do pray. Confide in a trusted friend. Make necessary business calls to resolve your issues. Save money.

Nicholl McGuire