Monday

When Mothers Cry - Our Mother, Grandmother are Now Gone

Two of my four children and I were deeply saddened when Great Ma (my grandmother) passed May 2015 before Mother's Day.  We knew she had been sick, in and out of the hospital, but we would have liked for her to come out the hospital at least one more time--she didn't. 

My younger two sons only spoke to her a few times over the phone, but didn't have any interaction with Great Ma outside of that.  Great Ma prayed for us, she was spiritual.  She reached out and called periodically to see how we were doing and I would do the same.  During some of those conversations, she requested that I read biblical scriptures to her and she also prayed with me.  However, as we got on with our lives, we noticed that after Great Ma's passing, family members grew distant.

Then this year, October 2018, my mother passed.  I can't say that I was shocked being that I had a revelation last year about her dying although she was doing just fine back then.  Yet, during the month of January 2018 I had a second revelation.  I saw that she had passed in a dream when two deceased family members sat at her dining room table and she was absent.  

The children hadn't been emotionally moved as much as they had been with Great Ma's passing.  You see, when my mother left this world we weren't on speaking terms.  Unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment and other assumed negative emotions by observants surprisingly didn't play a part at least on my end as to why I no longer spoke to her.  Here's what was really going on within me, I simply grew weary of the off-putting vibe I had experienced time and time again I received from her.  This negative vibe I felt happened since childhood.  Some relatives knew exactly what I was feeling and cautioned her long ago.  I wasn't the favorite, I was rejected from birth because I caused her so much pain.  It took awhile for her to deal with the fact that she had bear a child and it didn't help that she was talked into having another one and told it was best she stayed home with myself and sibling rather than go to work.  She adjusted and did what she was told, but carried her own personal issues regarding life decisions she had made.  I was the scapegoat and when she was angry about whoever or whatever she dumped on me.  Then went on about her life wearing a smile as if she never had a care, but I knew differently.  

The feeling of rejection--being second-best, just became too much to bear.  I wasn't the favorite child nor did I want to be.  I was the one she called on when she couldn't connect with her golden child and other favorites.  My mother told me long ago that had I not been her daughter, she wouldn't be friends with me--I was "square" like my dad.  She felt we didn't have anything in common in my youth--of course we wouldn't!  I was a child, her daughter, not her girlfriend!  A square back in her day was considered boring, nerdy, corny...person. Yet, when I became an adult, she praised me on being responsive to her conversations--"having something to say...and I like talking to you" while sharing that others were boring and didn't have too much to say to her.  She didn't mind creating division when she didn't get her way or didn't like how others responded to her especially when she was being difficult.  

As I grew older, I knew what her requirements were for maintaining a relationship with her and codependency was not what I had in mind.  If you were broken, she attempted to fix you--like feed off of your brokenness while all the while presenting herself to be better than you.  Her fixing was more like checking you--putting you in your place without truly listening to why you did what you did and providing you with a plan without interjecting herself into it.  She would be quite bold or subtle about your shortcomings but not in a way that motivated you to be your higher self; instead, you found yourself getting angry without being able to connect the details of your anger.  "Is she helping or hurting me?"  I would sometimes think.  She would tell you in so many words, her relationship was better, her financial decisions were better, her way was better, her life was better...you get the picture?  When one was done with talking to her, you gleaned what you could from the conversation, but the arrogance was evident and at times some of her listeners just didn't want to talk to her again.  

I had watched my grandmother and mother interact for decades and it wasn't a healthy connection-- a classic codependent and narcissistic relationship.  It appeared that the two were very needy at times of one another when the opportunity most suited them and then standoffish when needs weren't met.  They knew how to get their narcissistic supply elsewhere as they aged.  In addition, I noticed some competitive and jealous behaviors with the pair particularly around holiday seasons.  There connection was one based on performance and one was rewarded if they could answer this question, "What have you done for me lately?" A relationship wasn't all love like they would boast at times to family and friends.  "I love...I would do anything for...I care for..."  Those who knew them well yet couldn't explain what was going on with them, kept a safe distance.  It took me years to figure out why so many came and went out of their lives.

I didn't want that "do for me or else" kind of relationship with my own children.  I worked hard to establish boundaries years prior to their passing--before I went low contact with grandma and no contact with mom.  Sharing so much of myself, time, and money was no longer what I wanted to do in an effort to appease itchy ears and hands.  I had communicated my enlightenment, transformation and other revelations of what was occurring in my life respectfully like my book, "Tell Me Mother You're Sorry" as I gradually distanced myself from both.  I also didn't need the unnecessary distractions affecting my muse to speak and write to help others.  

These were strong-minded women, which I admired, but they didn't mind interjecting their personal opinions on what I did on and offline.  They didn't do so well with the boldness of my spiritual walk and the faith I have in God--the one they would reference every now and again.  Despite my efforts some years back to keep calm and distant so as not to offend, I would be drawn back into their webs of unbelief, disregard, mean-spiritedness, and a "do for me" mentality with yet another story they shared about a neighbor, relative, personal revelation, or offense.  Sometimes during our chats, I volunteered information, battled with them or remained silent and politely excused myself.  Conversations would at times be hours over the phone while my own family needed me in another room or I had responsibilities where I had to leave my home--and no, I wasn't always willing to continue a conversation on a cell phone.  Yet, I didn't want to disappoint, but I had a life.

Now that they are gone, I admit I have a sense of peace.  I am grateful for what I have learned from them and have continued to serve others who are in or out of tough relationships with mothers and grandmothers.  Furthermore, an important lesson I have learned is not to sugar-coat one's relationship or lack thereof with a parent or grandparent.  You don't cover up or deny your personal truth with relatives to appease others, even if they are close to their kin, it's never a good idea when you are on the road toward healing.  

Denial of your emotions, events, experiences and more does nothing more than to keep you bound to toxic relationships.  I have also found that so many daughters and sons swallow their identities, become spineless jellyfish and give parents and grandparents a pass on so many things for fear they will be left out of wills, face punishment, and more.  I rather be true to who I am then be given a bunch of promises that patriarchs or matriarchs may or may not keep.  

Oftentimes when you are the scapegoat, you don't get nearly as much in return as you put out.  You spend your life doing things for others because for years the mantra, "You owe me because..." has been shoved down your throat or "That's mom, you ought to...you better!"  And what if you don't?  God has a better plan, trust me!  What you owe to yourself is a chance to have quality connections whether it is your biological relatives or others who sincerely love and appreciate you!  There is simply no conditions to real love--it just is!

Nicholl McGuire
When Mothers Cry Blog Owner and the Author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry

Wednesday

Teen Moms - Resources are Everywhere - If You Look

So I was checking for some mother support groups and what did I stumble upon?  A resource center here in Colorado to help teen moms.  The immense amount of assistance out there is staggering for a child who decided to have unprotected sex with her boyfriend or unfortunately was a victim of a sexual assault that resulted in a pregnancy. 

Hope House of Colorado has a long list of "I Needs..." on the front page of their site.  The organization's mission is "to empower parenting teenage moms to strive for personal and economic self-sufficiency and to understand their significance in God’s sight, resulting in a healthy future for them, and for their children."

A pregnant teen needs information about things like: completing school, choosing quality friends, parenting or relationship advice, baby supplies, free housing, a job, a mentor, etc.  The workers at Hope House have answers.  However, with so much support out there for young parents, it isn't any wonder why some teens slip up, once, twice, three times or more, they know where to find help. 

If you are a parent who has recently found out you will be a grandparent and to be quite honest, you aren't happy about it, don't hesitate to reach out to groups in your community that help teen parents.  Start with using keywords "teen mom support groups" + "teen parent resources" for specific searches add local churches you are familiar with, human services, shelters and also include your city and state.

All the best to you!

Work at Home Facebook Live Event

Nicholl McGuire Media will be hosting a free "Work at Home Facebook Live Event." Plans are underway on and offline to help those who have a strong desire to make supplemental income in a variety of ways.  Our first online kitchen table discussion begins Thursday, February 22 at 9:00 a.m. Learn what it takes to work from home from someone who has done it for almost two decades!  See what an 18-year-old is doing to gain his additional income.  This is also a time for you to enlist the help of a professional Work at Home Coach.  Get started on working from home today!  Check out our resource page here.

Tuesday

The Struggle is Real with Motherhood But We Survive

No one understood my challenges regarding being a mom as much as my grandmother who passed away May 2015.  This woman who had raised four boys and a girl with little money and a cheating spouse did the best she could with a limited education.  She cooked, cleaned, and did other practical things to obtain an income.  As her granddaughter, I was very empathetic of her lifelong struggle and tried my best when in her presence not to give her grief.

Now that I am older, I realize the value of those connections one makes with a mother who has been through far more than you.  Sure, we have our moments where we feel good about being mothers, but we also have those times when we "feel down in the pits," as Grandma described her state of mind one day.  It helps to get around people who can relate to what you may be going through while providing you with a bit of wisdom.

Whatever you do, don't close yourself off to the world.  So many mothers do that once children are born.  They act as if there is no one or nothing but spouse and/or children that complete them and that is just not true!  Children grow up and move on with their lives if they have been raised by functional parents.  Husbands and wives have been known to divorce one another.  You are more than just a mom, you are a woman with a heartbeat, a soul, emotions, etc.  Take care of you!

Grandma reminded me often to check in with how I feel and to look in the mirror and say, "I love you, Nicky."  She didn't mind telling you what you looked like when you were in her presence.  If she felt you were abandoning self by letting one's appearance decline, she told you so.  "Don't let that man ruin you...Don't let those children run you ragged!"  Her eyes meant business and she had every right to scold us, moms, because that's just what we were doing at times.

So if you are that mom who is down in the dumps and just feel plain bad, muster up all the strength in you to snap back.  Life is too short to let others bring you down.

Be encouraged this day!

All the best and many blessings to you,

Nicholl, Blog Manager and Owner

Sunday

Mother And Daughter Due To Have Babies A Month Apart | 16 Kids And Count...



Update: 20 children in the family.  "Britain’s biggest family just got bigger as the Radford’s recently welcomed their 20th child. The Radfords boast Britain’s biggest brood but have said that baby Archie is, finally, their last child. The Radfords join Eamonn and Ruth, with their children, to talk about their love for their big family and the chaos of holidays!"

See this, Broadcast on 03/01/2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V9W_-GCFrY
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Over 20 years office work experience, six years completed college coursework, background in print media and communications, recognized for exceptional attendance and received merit increase for past job performance, self-published author and part-time entrepreneur, Internet marketing and social media experience. Interned for non-profit organization, women's group and community service business. Additional experience: teaching/training others, customer service and sales. Learn more at Nicholl McGuire and Nicholl McGuire Media

When Mothers Cry Blog Archive