Pages

Showing posts with label relatives. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relatives. Show all posts

Tuesday

When Mothers Cry About the Evolution of Their Once Favorite People

Something I didn't cover in the When Mothers Cry book, personal life changes among family and friends that were once so near and dear.  Mothers cry about their loved ones personal changes that impact their relationships with them.  From new marriages to new jobs and everything else in between, life changes will change your favorites!  Sooner or later the reality that people have emotionally and/or physically changed whether for good or evil, it is an experience that is painful to watch or listen to at times.

Just imagine your mother is no longer behaving in ways that you once were accustomed to.  Your children are no longer as sweet and innocent as they once were.  Old friends are busy with their lives and gradually stop calling or coming around.  Your spouse doesn't love and respect you in ways that he or she once did.  Yes, change is inevitable due to many factors and not all mothers cope with the subtle or bold changes that are occurring in their favorite people's lives rationally or mature.  Examples of life changes that may severely impact your loved ones in the short or long term that you may not have thought about and may also affect your relationship to them might include:

1) Appearance enhancement or surgery due to accident
2) Conversation no longer what it used to be due to controlling partner, busy work schedule...
3) Aging they are not coping with it well i.e. midlife crisis.
4) Illness some days are worst than others, they simply don't want to be bothered.
5) Personality Disorder may have been trauma induced or was there all along you just didn't notice.
6) New marriage that comes with it's share of struggles that they don't want to discuss.
7) Birth of new baby--need we say more? i.e. post-partum.
8) Relocation is expensive, time-consuming and most people don't offer to help in anyway other than to call and ask questions.
9) Grieving over the death of a loved one - no they don't want to call or come around for a time or forever.
10) Children leaving the home (empty nest).  It's tough to detach from children, they are coping.

When I noticed that I had a personality change to those who observed me it was after my first child.  I had family members and friends who talked about how I didn't call like I used to asking them about how they were.  I was "too busy" and "you don't stay on the phone..." they complained.  Yes, I was busy with my newborn and yes I had changed.  Bringing life into the world is a traumatic experience for many mothers and my brain just doesn't operate in the same way it once did prior to having no children and no man, thank you very much!  Yet, I wasn't ready for some changes that were happening with some of my favorite people.  I was shook to see relatives moving slower, hair getting grayer, and voices repeating the same story twice or more--what!?  I was shocked by a few sudden deaths, but then I wasn't, I had been prepared when I sat down long enough with my Creator to get some understanding.  However, I didn't anticipate that some people would grow so distant so fast, but they did.

What I have learned is to ride the waves of change.  After tears, fears, and much prayer, I couldn't keep thinking about what once was, I had to move pass the past and get on with my life.  No matter how much I wanted people, places and things to stay the same, they just weren't.  Some people had to mature, others had to work long hours, and like me, they had marriages and children to tend to.  I realized when you accept change it is much easier to live this life without personal expectations, worries and stresses placed on others.  They also are more likely to call and come around when they know that you are good with their evolution of change!  But when you are not, they mark you as toxic.

So be okay with someone else's personal journey of discovery dear Mother and know that someone was good with yours otherwise you wouldn't be who you are today!

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of a variety of helpful journals to help keep your thoughts organized the old school way: pen and paper.  See here.

Tuesday

Why Do Some Parents Continue to Expose Children to Negative People?

Sometimes, as mothers, we have to sit back and think about the people who we allow into our lives. Maybe before the children, it was okay to have every unbelieving, crazy, wild, or ghetto person in our midst, but what about now?

We usually keep people around that make us laugh, tell us "back in the day" stories, or might possibly help us in the future with something. But just like those old clothes in the back of your closet you will never wear, it might be time to do a little house-cleaning, if not for yourself, then for your family.

Some of us have partners that can sniff trouble a mile away, but what do we do, we ignore them especially if they tell us something negative about a relative or old friend. We might argue or tell our partners, "You are so wrong for saying that about..." But what if he is right? Sometimes they are right about the babysitter, the daycare, the grandparents, and other people who we allow in our children's lives on a regular basis. Some of these people have a negative influence that we might choose to ignore. We might even secretly question ourselves, "What is the purpose for having this person around other than watching my child? Isn't there a replacement?" You may be the discerning one that is warning your partner about his side of the family.

I love when mothers will ask their children, after they have done something wrong or embarassing, "Where did you learn that from?" Meanwhile, witnesses are thinking the child will say some child's name from school, but instead, "From your friend mommy...from cousin Joan...from Aunt Mary..." So what does the mom say, "Well, don't say or do that again." Before long, the parent is dropping his or her child back at the guilty relative or best friend's home again sometimes without saying anything about the matter! Then some parents wonder why children have all sorts of bizarre stories to tell involving people or things beyond their years, hmmm.

You might talk to some mothers about this sort of thing, and those that are guilty of having their children around certain negative influences, will become defensive. "It's not like a music video will hurt them, they will see things like that sooner or later! It's not like they haven't heard that word before! I don't care that my friend drinks alcohol or smokes weed just so long as she is not doing it around my child..." Well, unless a parent is with his or her child in that person's home 24/7, mom or dad doesn't know what their relative or friend is exposing their child to especially if this person doesn't have children of his or her own!

Now there is nothing wrong with being an acquaintance with someone who is completely the opposite of you, but this "my dear friend" or "my favorite relative" stuff, just because someone once had an important place in your life growing up is ridiculous when you know the person has been guilty of causing all sorts of havoc around your child or disrespecting your rules!

People change. People grow apart. There are those noticeable differences that show up in their personality when you sit down and talk with them awhile and then there are those differences that they suppress, because they wouldn't ever want you to think they were one way or another.

We assume that our favorites "know me so well" when in fact, a relative or friend might have guessed right that day. Sometimes we allow some of these people to stick around in our lives, knowing that they have repeatedly wronged us, as I said in one article some time ago, pass their expiration date! One day, I awoke to this reality that many of the people that I had kept around for years or re-connected with in recent years, I didn't have much in common and I wouldn't trust my children with them either. It was plain to see when I read some of their tweets, Facebook news feeds, text messages, and emails, just how different we were. "Who were these people and would I allow them into my home, much less, expose them to my children?" I would think.

There's too much nonsense being shoved under our noses as mothers to accept! Just because someone has a title in your family, doesn't make that person a great influence. Some of us reading this had to learn that the hard way! Just because someone has been a great friend the first 10 years of knowing them, doesn't mean they will continue to be a great friend for the next 10 especially if they are watching your children everyday lol!

Unfortunately, some of us never tapped into our mother's intution, because it has been innundated with "what they say;" instead of "what I say." From the half-dressed performer on TV dancing in front of our children any time of the day, to news media reporting changes in schools that are already teaching children to turn parents into authorities for all sorts of things (do your research,) who really has control over your child?

If we aren't too careful who or what is around our children, who knows what they might take back to the school or bring home with them? Now I am not an advocate for a strict household where there is no breathing room for our children, but I am an advocate of wisdom. Let's be smart about who is in control of our children when we aren't. Also, let's find some commonalities in meaningful healthy friendships while saying goodbye to those meaningless associations. As I write, I hear a word of wisdom in my spirit that sounds like this, "If we allow room in our lives for quality people to come in, we will want for nothing." Too many of us mothers aren't getting the best for ourselves or children because we keep settling. "Don't settle for just anything, anymore."

Nicholl McGuire

Monday

When Mother Knows Best & They Don't

If you have been a mother for any length of time then your intuition concerning your children has been challenged by someone who is either helping you raise your children or occassionally babysitting for you.

He or she may not have verbally said one word about the way you raise your children, but this person may have done some things the total opposite of what you wanted them to just because they are stubborn, jealous, or just don't want to admit that you are right and they are wrong. Whatever the reason, you know your children better than the rest of them and if what you say and do is in their best interest, then by all means stand strong in your beliefs, convictions and so on.

I have been in debates with the fathers of my children over what they thought was the littlest of things. From our young children watching things on television they can't handle to what they have given them to eat. As we all know children can't digest violence without eventually acting it out on their siblings or other children. We also know that if you give a child a certain sweet snack before a meal or before bed time, you are in for some trouble. And most importantly, as mothers, we know that if you don't have a consistent bedtime for your children, they will not perform well in school and their moodiness (from being tired) gets them in trouble with you and everyone else.

The shrug of the shoulders, the eye rolls, and the attitude from bystanders because once again someone has upset you concerning your children is enough to make you want to yell at the top of your lungs, "What are you looking at?! Does anyone understand? Do you know what kind of impression you are making on my child? Who do you think you are!" Some people just don't get it! We must remember we are living in times where evil is considered good and good is considered evil. "It's okay to let our son play the rated M game, it's not that bad. Why are you so angry about him not going to bed on time? What's the big deal about our daughter going over her friend's house every Friday night? What is the problem with the way I discipline the children? You are too strict! Why can't the children listen to that song? They don't know what it means," say some fathers and relatives, but you know what's best.

I have had debates similar to the ones mentioned above and I can tell you that, in the past, I have literally exhausted myself trying to explain why wrestling isn't good for a four and five year old or why we needed to start putting money away for our children's future. If we don't stand up for what we believe is wrong for our children then who will? I put no trust in family, friend, or foe to give me accurate information and be 100% transparent when they are with my child while I am away. The reason for this is because I know that I didn't always provide every single detail to everyone about my own children, so why would I expect differently from people who don't know my children like I do?

Now I understand that when one isn't in the presence of their children due to unfortunate circumstances or is in a position where they have no choice but to let someone else spend 8 to 10 hours a day with their babies, there is a good possibility that he or she doesn't know best, but the caretaker does. How could a parent who is often working or away from their child really know what's going on if they aren't doing the following: taking time out to interview his or her son or daughter, asking specific questions about the child's experience with the caretaker, showing up to parent and teacher meetings, and most of all taking the time to listen to their child when he or she wants to talk.

In conclusion, mother doesn't always know what's best, but when she does, she just wants someone to listen and do what she asks when it comes to the children's mental and physical well-being. Is that too much to ask?


Nicholl McGuire
http://www.myspace.com/howtobooks

When Fathers Put Everyone Else First But Her



Whether you have been to a family gathering or have talked with a relative or friend over the phone, there are those times that they will say something to you that will offend you regarding your parenting skills. Some mothers will tell their own relatives or friends about how their negative statement or action made them feel. However, when your husband’s or boyfriend’s family or friends are the offenders, things can get tricky. Most women will tell their mates about what was said, so that their mate is updated on any potential problems that may threaten their family. Some women will want their men to do something about family issues since they don’t feel that it is their place to say something. However, when mothers are protective of the family and the fathers are too busy, too tired, and too passive or too whatever to do something about it, mothers will get angry with tears of frustration in their eyes screaming, “Aren’t you going to say something? Aren’t you going to do something?”

When a woman becomes a mother there is something deep down within her spirit that is affected. She becomes strong in areas where she was once weak. She develops an intuition also known as women’s intuition. Some mothers see potential family problems sooner than others. These mothers are blessed with a third eye that can see an attack made against her family from miles away. It isn’t that she has become some trouble-making gossip, although there are some women who are, but she doesn’t want his or her family coming into her home with their jealous, hidden motives and other selfish tactics now that she has bore children.

Some family members see the birth of children as an opportunity to control, manipulate, restore or break relationships. What a great way, so the family thinks, to get their distant son to do things he has never done with the family now that children are here? Why not get him to partake in family traditions, spend more time with parents or anything else they want, because of course he is a father now! When children are born into a relationship, some extended family observed what has changed and not changed since their beloved son or daughter has become a mother or father. Any selfish family member is looking at how the arrival of children will or will not benefit them. For instance, let’s say the father of your children was very close to his family before you and the children came along. Now he seems to be more focused on his new family needs and less on theirs, he would be a fool to think that his family would not say or do something to draw him near again. Family will do things no matter how nice, charming or outright negative to get what they want. Have you ever watched the television sitcom, “Everybody Loves Raymond” if so the mother-in-law is a good example of this sort of behavior? Family will attempt to get what they want by using underhanded motives such as finding fault with the children’s mother so that they can spend time with the new grandchild, niece, nephew, etc. alone without the mother coming around. How about getting the father to take money out of the family budget for what they consider more pressing needs? What about using guilt trips such as “I never see you…or I want to see the grandchildren.” Then they talk negatively behind the new father’s back or don’t bother to go out of their way to come and see his family.

An intuitive mother sees family’s negative actions with a third eye. She doesn’t wear rose-colored glasses and she attempts to get her husband to take off his rose-colored glasses when problems arise. But the real issue the mother has isn’t with her husband or boyfriend’s relatives as much as it is with him. How is he going to react when the old family has done something to offend his new family? Will he find “nice statements” to say to his wife or girlfriend that will excuse his family’s behavior; and hopefully pacify her or will he address the problems his side of the family causes while making it comfortable for her to come around without backlash?

Being a mother isn’t just about her children, but it’s also about maintaining an image of respect, dignity and wisdom amongst anyone who encounters her. She must carry herself at times like a minister of a church. Being a public servant for others, always watching what she says or does around others, while taking care that her children’s father’s needs are met. But what about her needs? When she is faced with the obstacles set before her by his family and friends, who will have her and the children’s backs? Will it be another family member standing in the gap where he falls short? Will this family member or friend be the one telling him, “You better change your ways or else you are going to lose your family?” Or will this selfish family member sit on the side lines gossiping with other family members saying, “I knew that he wasn’t going to make it with her.”

Why don’t some of these fathers have the gift of the third eye or male intuition when his family is being verbally assaulted by others in between their phony grins? When will these fathers wake up and understand that there is an enemy who wants them out of the family home and out in the street looking for temporal things to make them happy for only a moment? Mothers are crying about all sorts of issues regarding fathers from them leaving the home to them being inactive in the home. They want the fathers to be models for their children, but when they don’t stand up for the mothers and the children, there will be disharmony in the household and the only ones to blame are themselves.

Mothers need to stop taking the blame for these fathers who mishandle money, cheat, lie, steal, and put everyone else before the family and anything else that breaks up the family unit. We spend money for self-improvement books, plastic surgery, counselors, and so much more because we think that somehow we can fix all that is wrong in our relationships with the fathers and our children. But the reality is that it takes two to work on any relationship and not just one. It is very easy for some people to make the necessary adjustments in their relationships and all is well, but there are many more that can’t and rather then make the arrangements to establish boundaries and/or end relationships, we hold on to them thinking things will get better when they won’t. There are children who wish that mommy and daddy did go their separate ways, because maybe there would be some peace and quiet while they slept at night. Some children notice the relationship problems of their parents and blame themselves wishing that they could just die. Meanwhile, we adults think that we are doing the children a favor by staying together.

I remember when I finally got the bright idea to leave my relationship and I was glad I did. Later, I asked my children how they felt about mommy and daddy breaking up and they told me they were glad, because they were “tired of the arguing.” So to all the mothers who think that staying with these fathers who rather put everyone else and everything else before the family, I say, “Be prepared to nurse the wounds of your children when they are older.”

Staying on the phone talking with your family and friends about his “no good, sorry, good for nothing…” doesn’t motivate you to walk out the door, ironically it keeps you staying in the mess, because so-called well-meaning family and friends will say things that will cause you to second-guess your decisions, “You should stay with Jim, he has all that money. What will you do if you go? I would put up with it for as long as I can it’s hard to find a good man.”

When the time comes to make plans to leave the relationship, think about who is the better parent. If he treats the children better than you do, then you should strongly consider leaving them behind and arranging visitation. Think about how your staying in a dead end relationship is impacting not only you, but in the short and long-term your children? Although I didn’t want to, the court decided for me, who was the better parent financially to care for the children, so they gave him physical custody. I could have fought him on it, but when I really thought about it, he is the better parent for raising sons, not me. I have never been a boy or man so I don’t know what internal struggles they go through when it comes to identity. It was hard for me to come to grips with this truth, but I think that I have a better relationship with him and my children because of it.

A hard lesson I learned about motherhood is that sometimes you can be a better mother to your children at a distance. Society would like to judge you for something that goes against tradition, but only you know what you can and can’t handle. Yes, you will cry a lot having to say goodbye to your children, but through your pain, you will become a stronger and wiser woman because of it. I learned that I was a woman first, before I became a mother; therefore there is a spirit within me that surpasses the title of mother. It is due to the strength of my spirit within (powered by God Almighty) that I will live long after the children make friends, move away, get married, or die. Women without a spiritual strength within that keeps them motivated to live, will suffer enormously when the children move away, get married or die, because they have allowed their spirit to live through their children. A mother who taps into this same inner strength will be able to overcome when the father puts everyone else before the family. She will take over as head of household and ensure that everything runs smoothly. Through her tears, she will sacrifice everything else because of her children. A mother will protect her family when the father won’t.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, for more of her writings visit http://www.associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Powered by FeedBurner

When Mothers Cry Blog Archive

Something for every kind of mother

abortion about us abused abused pregnant women abusive partner adult sons and daughters adultery affordable housing aging parents alcoholism andropause angry at God angry daughter angry mother angry mothers anxiety arrogant mothers at risk children attachment parenting baby care babysitting mom back to school back to work bad friends bad mood bad mother beautiful children bipolar disorder bitter mothers blame blog creator blog for frustrated mothers blog for mothers blogs about kid stuff book about mothers borderline personality disorder boyfriend braggart mothers break up breast-feeding burdens burned out fathers burned out mothers business career mothers caretakers cars child abuse childbirth childcare childhood issues children children and bedtime children and disabilities children and school children and sports children going away to college children in jail children in war children who exaggerate childrens books Christmas blues christmas decorating co-parenting codependent cold mothers college scholarships college scholarships for mothers competitive mothers confused mothers conniving mothers controlling mothers controlling wives coupons crazy mom crisis nursery critical mothers crying over mother dating tips dating violence daycares dead mother death deceased babies deceased children deceased mother deceased mothers deceptive people defend children defensive mother dementia depressed mother depression discipline disrespected mothers divorce domestic violence donations education emotional abuse encouragement events evil influences expectant moms exs faith fake friendships family family friends family law fathers fathers don't want children fathers with children favoritism fearful mothers fears finances food forgiveness friends friendships frustrated daughters frustrated father frustrated mother frustrated mothers fun stuff to do with kids gift ideas gifted children God good days good mothers grandchildren grandmothers grandparents great grandmothers guilty mothers happy mothers holiday shopping holidays home income home organizing home ownership homemaker house house guests housing how to be a better grandparent how to be a better mother how to get exposure on this site humor husbands identity crisis ill mothers immature mothers independent woman infants inlaws insane mom intersex children intimacy jealous mothers jealousy journaling judgmental moms kidnapping lack of appreciation lazy family members lazy mothers letting go liars life lonely mothers makeovers male midlife manic mother manipulative media manipulative mothers marriage marriage and sex media menstrual cycle mental abuse mental mom mentally unstable relatives midlife crisis miscarriage miserable mothers mmguardian phone mom guilt-trips mom quotes mommy invites mommy time mompreneur money morals mother mother and daughters mother cries mother daughter relationships mother dont want children mother in law mother pet peeves mother rants motherhood motherhood book motherhood lies motherhood pet peeves motherhood poems motherhood rap motherhood tips mothers mothers and sons mothers and stepmothers mothers day mothers day blues mothers day specials mothers intuition mothers who love too much mothers without children motivation movies music nail makeover narcissistic fathers narcissistic mothers neighborhood gossips new boyfriend new mothers new years eve newborn babies niave mothers no money for toys obesity obsessed moms others over 40 paranoia parent teacher conference parent-child bonding parental alienation parenting parenting adult children parenting challenges parenting girls parenting tips parenting tweens part-time mother passive emotionally unavailable mothers peace peer abuse perimenopause personal time petty mothers physical abuse pmdd experience politics postpartum blues postpartum depression postpartum symptoms poverty power prayer praying pregnancy product recommendations pushy teachers quotes from kids quotes from mom racism raising children raising sons rape rebellious children regrets relationships relatives remarriage resentful mothers role reversal safety tips save money say goodbye to dad saying goodbye to children scammers scared parents schizophrenia school breaks school vacations schools self esteem self improvement tips self love self righteous mothers selfish parents sensitive mothers separated from children sex sex trafficking sexual abuse shopping black friday shopping cyber monday shopping for children shopping for mother siblings single mothers single parenting single parents sister in law slave mothers sleep sneaky children sneaky mothers special offers spirituality spoiling children spouse spring break stay at home mothers step-mothers stepmothers stillborn baby strange mothers stressed mothers strict parents substance abuse successful mothering suffocating mothers suicide superstition support groups support groups for pittsburgh pa teen fathers teen mothers teen years television programming tell me mother you're sorry book temper tantrums the other woman thoughts about mom tips to good health tired moms toddlers toxic partners toys trauma traveling with children twins twitter unappreciated unhappy mother unlovedangry mother unsupportive partners vaccine injury video games weekends when mothers cry audio when mothers cry book when mothers cry change when mothers laugh widows witchcraft mom womans intuition work at home working mothers worry xmas young men dating older women young mothers your mother Youtube
Creative Commons License
When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on book by Nicholl McGuire, When Mothers Cry.

My Blog List

  • Happy New Year. I seldom make New Year’s resolutions anymore (no more than once a year!) but this year I made one and I’m determined to follow through. It’...
  • *This reviewer has been compensated in the form of a Best Buy Gift Card and/or received the product.* It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!And New ...
  • We all have stories inside us. Whether we tell those stories is another question. It takes courage to write your truths. Join a group of amazing women an...
  • I think I just found the most beautiful resting buddah garden statue I have ever seen. Dharma Crafts
  • Kersten Campbell's New Humor Book is being released in March 2015!
  • So I'm moving to D.C in a few weeks. They don't know what's going to hit them. It was a very easy decision for me. I was on a beach in South Carolina by my...
  • Yesterday the girls stopped by to practice their wiles on my sons.First they lolled on the couch, like puppies, legs and arms intertwined. Then Melissa mig...
  • Hi "Mother Load" readers- as of August 2011 I am now blogging at When Did I Get Like This? (whendidigetlikethis.com). Both of the "Mother Load" URLs (mot...
  • Dearest Mothers Acting Up Community: For years we’ve talked about creating a “magnificent revolution” led by mothers stepping into new public leadership ...
  • October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month By all means if you are breastfeeding and have a problem, a mammogram and ultrasound are compatible with breastfee...
  • Misgana has a cute little way of asking for something and then saying, "just a little bit." It has taken on a life of its own. Here she is... enjoy.
  • *Mothers Institute Days of the Week Themes* Our goal in creating our MI *Days of the Week* themes and correlating action items is twofold, to be 1) dire...
  • We, physically, have moved to Columbia, MD, but more pertinently, finally...yes finally (drum roll pls) my blog has moved to a new location! By the time yo...
  • When I was a nerdy lil thing some 50 years ago, I was madly in love with George Washington Carver. I imaged myself as Mrs. Terris Mae Washington Carver, c...
  • Welcome to Judys Motherhood Store Check out our Trendy Maternity & Nursing Wear from USA for you at the Right Price contact us : judysmotherhoodstore@gma...