Judgmental Mothers - Staring, Commenting and Saying What They Wouldn't Do

We have all been there in the store, park, library, parking lots and more, watching angry mothers handle children or ignore them.  Couples fighting about one thing or another.  Children having their share of fallouts.  Observers looking as if, "I have never seen such foolishness!  Shame, shame!" 

Well give it some time and who knows you just might be not only a witness, but a participant with your own or someone else's children (grandchildren) especially if you are married for any length of time to a partner who isn't always going to be nice and loving to you or kids. 

Spend enough time with difficult relatives and they will send your mind to places you didn't think it could go.  Then throw in a stressful job, demanding grandparents, and more debt than finances and who knows how your body might react.  There are plenty of overweight, angry, mentally disturbed, hospitalized, mean-spirited and "I can do no wrong mothers" suffering as your read this.  They more than likely threw some critical stares at other mothers while pretending as if nothing was wrong with them.  Then their turn came around and chronic stress shamed them from the way they look to the ending of marriages while critics looked at them, "Such a pity...how awful.  Well, she should have...could have...I would never..."  Watch statements like that.

So when you take a moment to read the following story about a mother, who lost her cool with her  emotional four year old child after grocery shopping, do keep in mind what she says at the end of her story.  Mothers seriously need to cut one another some slack--we ain't perfect!  Click for article.

7 Tips When It Comes to Her Children...

There are some things that mothers should remember when it comes to "other people's children".

1.  Not every child is going to get along with your child.
2.  A mother of one plus children doesn't necessarily feel up to or want to watch your children as well as her own.  So don't be offended when she says, "I will have to pass on the play date...the birthday invite...and a lunch date with all the kids."
3.  What you might permit your child to do at home, doesn't apply when your child is staying at someone's home.
4.  Don't insult the host by piling up food on your child's plate knowing full well he or she isn't going to eat it all.
5.  What might work for your child when it comes to raising him or her, doesn't apply to everyone else.
6.  No one likes the person who always has something negative to say about one's children.
7.  Don't brag about how great of a parent you are, because it's only a matter of time that children will make you out to look like a liar.

Today was a Good Day!

Sometimes it is challenging for some mothers to say, "Today was a good day!" Because they are often feeling upset about one thing or another. But when those good days come, we should all rejoice!

A mother who is often angered isn't someone you will want to be around. When you ask her how she is doing, she usually responds with, "I'm okay. Alright I guess. Not bad. Not feeling good. Don't feel well." Sometimes she doesn't bother expressing her feelings, she just gets right to it, "You know I wanted to ream him a new one! You know she's such a b*tch!" You walk away feeling sorry you asked.

You may have got off the phone as fast as you could with a friend like this. You may have avoided others in the store. You have enough problems of your own, you don't think you can stomach someone else's drama.

I'm not mad at you or myself for doing this. Good days don't come often for many of us if we work in certain professions and that's all we hear on a regular basis is bad news, have to care for someone who is mentally ill, have health issues, and other things that others could not and would not attempt to understand.

So if today is your good day and you are fighting to stay away from negative people and situations, by all means do it! Don't feel guilty!

Nicholl McGuire
http://spiritualpoemsbynicholl.blogspot.com

New Book Release: When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire

It's been a long journey recalling experiences that brought me to tears as well as others. But it has also been rewarding writing the book entitled, When Mothers Cry. You will find many thought-provoking experiences, opinions, and societal views of motherhood and how we are preconditioned to become a mother whether we wanted to or not. Then once the children arrive we find out that there are struggles we face raising children, being married, relating to in-laws, and other issues that leave us crying!

When Mothers Cry is a book for those women who are looking for someone or something that relates to them when they aren't always the happy, smiling, fulfilled mother who greets her children with cookies and kisses her husband on the cheek. She may not always pray, find time with her children or anyone else's, and she may wish secretly she was anything but a mother. Whatever her issue is within, the bottomline, she just wants someone she can feel free to talk to without being judged, admonished, or belittled for feeling the way that she does. She may not feel this way tomorrow, next week, or for years, but for now she is unhappy and she is seeking a bit of information to uplift her and help her be content with her role as mother. When Mothers Cry, the book, won't you buy it today for you or someone you know who is seeking a change of heart? To order click the following link: When Mothers Cry

Nicholl McGuire
Author, Poet & Freelance Writer

Ghost Mothers: How to Heal Abandonment and Neglect, and Find Forgiveness

The following article appeared on a free article site back in 2006, I thought it is very relevant to this site, please read.

Mothers who are neglectful, selfish, and abandoning do not set out to do these things, they are a result of their own problems, their own pain, and maybe even mental illness. It is hard for us as her child to see this fully, or to forgive it.

So many women talk about their relationships with their mothers--no matter how old they are. For some, their mother, from whom they have supposedly separated long ago, still occupies a central place in the psyche. She’s too close, she’s too much. She has advice, is nosy, and interferes. The daughter wants time away, she wants boundaries, and fights for her separation from her mother.

For others, the mother still occupies the psyche, but with a wrenching kind of longing--a mother that is biological and even sometimes present, but also a mother who is so self-involved as to be emotionally absent, or literally out of the picture. This kind of mother takes up space and energy as a nagging, missing piece, a ghost. Her image hovers, her memory, or perhaps a dream of how it could have been, should have been, but never is.

Which kind of mother do you have?

My mother was a dream. I realize now, 10 years after her death, that I was always trying to get the dream to come true--to have her be warm and huggy, to have her want to know me, to visit me in my house, to know my children. To know me. It never happened. It left a yearning that I played out with men, it left a hole that I tried to fill in many ways.

When I was little, she left me when I was four years old, and once a year appeared in the landscape of my life--I lived with her mother--only to disappear too soon and in a flurry of anger at her own mother, without seeming to notice how hard it was for me.

So many people--men and women--struggle with this kind of emptiness, the burn of anger in the pit of the stomach, the unanswered questions that can’t be asked--why are you like this?

Mothers who are neglectful, selfish, and abandoning do not set out to do these things, they are a result of her own problems, her own pain, and maybe even mental illness. It is hard for us as her child to see this fully, or to forgive it.

How to help to heal the Ghost Mother wound:

1. Learn about your mother’s life--how she became the way she is--through talking with relatives, if she won’t talk to you directly, or by sitting down and hashing through history shown in photos and family albums.

2. Find adoptive mothers who will nurture you, and friends who understand your story.

3. Learn to mother yourself--through therapy, through having children of your own. They will teach you.

4. Write your story. Tell your story. Having witnesses to your story is a part of healing. Seeing compassion in the eyes of others shows you that you are worthy of it, and deserve it.

5. Learn to forgive. Work on it. Work on being yourself and having a life you like and enjoy.

6. Learn to surround yourself with who you like, people who love and like you, and beauty that makes you feel part of the web of life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Linda Joy Myers, Ph. D., prize winning author of Becoming Whole: Writing Your Healing Story, is a Marriage and Family therapist and teaches memoir-as-healing workshops in the San Francisco Bay Area and nationally. Linda’s work has been praised by reviewers, healers, and radio and television interviewers.
You can post your comments on her blog at http://lindajoymyers.typepad.com/my_weblog/

Jealous Parents, Relatives & Friends

You have been around the world, seen more things then most people could ever imagine, speak three languages maybe more, and received numerous accolades for school, college and work performance. People call you blessed; others say you’re talented, while some just look at you and smile. Yet, you see something behind some of those smiles. You notice their demeanor seems to be sad. They walk away from you with nothing to say. You may expect this kind of behavior from your friends, but your mother, father or sibling? How does one cope with a jealous relative who still wallows in past successes and has nothing recent to show for his or her work?

One. Don’t brag or rub your accomplishments in their face.

This point is obvious but some overachievers are tempted to tell everyone about their accomplishments, to the point that they are overwhelming listeners. However, jealous people who don’t respond well to others doing things they always wanted to do or are not disciplined enough to follow their own dreams will respond with, “I always wanted to do that…you are always doing something good…you think you are better than the rest of us!” Notice they don’t bother to compliment you.

Two. Avoid talking with them too long about your plans.

Some accomplished people will spend a lot of time outlining what project they are working on, who they will be working with (in other words name dropping) and why they are doing it even when no one has asked them for that much information. A jealous person will take everything he or she has just learned and either help the successful relative or friend for a season just to learn more about the project or start one similar. They may also hurt your efforts by bad-mouthing you to others.

Three. Ask them for input only if you think they are qualified enough to contribute.

When you know someone is jealous of you, be cautious. You don’t want their opinion, money, or skill if they have bad feelings about you. It is best to find someone who is more secure in their own achievements to help.

Four. Listen to what other relatives tell them about you.

There will be relatives that will tell you something about the jealous individual that they don’t want getting around, so they will ask that “you not say anything.” If what they are saying can be proved without naming them, then consider their warning and don’t get the jealous person involved with your business endeavors.

Five. Don’t force them into a conversation they know nothing about.

You never want to use words they are unfamiliar with, share information they have never learned, or do something that is foreign or strange and ask them for assistance. A jealous person may also feel small, if they don't like what you are saying or talk in a tone that bothers them. No one wants to feel like they are being talked down to or made to look like a fool. Both of which you will be accused of if you let this jealous person in your life.

Six. Change your thinking when you feel tempted to show them up.

Jealous people will usually let their emotions take center age for the entire world to see. They will make a big deal out of small matters. What you may feel tempted to do is use your knowledge to give them a good whipping. Whatever you do don’t do it, because if everyone else hears about what you did, you may cause problems for yourself and others may judge you as “arrogant, conceited, a know-it-all, and/or rude!”

Seven. When they are disrespectful, keep any and all future news about your successes to yourself.

A jealous person can easily say things to offend you because they know enough about your interests to use them against you. Once they have disrespected you with one of their insults, learn from the confrontation to never share anything else and ask others to direct the jealous person to you if he or she has any future questions, concerns, or suggestions.

Eight. If you are in a creative field, don’t let them listen, read, watch, or assist with your work before it's released to the public.

You don’t want a jealous person’s input on what you do, because you will find yourself rearranging and possibly throwing away your hard work. Secretly that’s what a jealous person wants is for you to not accomplish anything. They may even disrupt you a lot while your working hoping that you are frustrated and will give your project up!

Nine. Don’t gossip about them to other family members.

As much as you would like to expose this envious man or woman don’t, especially if he or she is a relative. Exposing jealous family members has a way of backfiring on you and then others may turn your observation around and accuse you of being jealous of them. Don’t even allow others to get you to talk about your enemy.

Ten. If you have a faith, pray for your enemy.

You can use your faith to secretly fight against them. Since jealousy is nothing more than a spirit that inhabits the body due to allowing bad feelings to manifest. You can combat this snake by cutting its head off! In other words, when the jealous person is around don’t feed into his or her comments, be too busy for conversation, don’t invite them to your events, and never share your ideas with them.

Jealous parents and relatives may not do all they can to help their children for fear of what they may become which is better than them. A mother may sabotage a relative's plans to invest in your future by bad mouthing you. A father may avoid helping you by not doing anything to invest in a dream that he once had and now you have. A relative may stop talking to you and start talking to your siblings because she is jealous of the success and exposure you are getting that she could never get due to her attitude. These people who claim they love you are usually jealous because you are doing things in your life that they know they should have been doing long ago, so they push you harder than they need to.

Some researchers say that usually a child will only go as far as the parents will go in education. So if your parent dropped out of high school or college the probability of you doing the same increases. There are many children who defy the odds and do far better than their parents. Children learn by example which is often preached by early childhood experts. Parents who never seek the help they need to become better people than their parents will only pass on their failures to their own children.


Written by Nicholl McGuire
http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Mother Blessed and Cursed All Six of Her Children

I asked her quite boldly one day, "Why is it that you prayed so much in your younger years and attended church when your children were small and then when they became adults none of them did much in their lives but cause you pain?" She said she was trying to figure that out herself. A mother nearing 90 years old and she couldn't fathom why her prayers made no impact on her children! When I pressed her for a possible reason, she blamed the people who they chose to socialize with over the years negatively influencing them -- I recalled other mothers like her saying the same thing, "My kids act this way because of their no good friends!" Well, I have never been one to just sit back, accept an answer, or act ignorant right along with people, so I did a little research and interviewed a couple of her misguided adult children not caring if they went back and told her what we had talked about.

It seems that this mother who blessed her children with the same mouth cursed them too, according to her children! She used words that "d*mned" her children "to hell," and if they stepped out of line with their mouthes, they were told they "would eat soup." She didn't hesitate to call them simple, fool, heifer, or any word that degraded who they were as human beings. The children went on to say she was often mean and that her mood swings may have been due to being abused by their father and going through menopause. She was in an unhappy marriage and as the children added, "She lived her life through us." They also shared that as children they heard her husband tell her, "You love the children more than me!" He too cursed them as well and worse beat them with a belt while she beat them with whatever she could find! Between all the cursing, fighting, and church going, I couldn't help but understand why the mother and father's children grew up to curse their own children, fight with their mates physically, divorce, cheat, lie, spend some time in jail, etc. and didn't have no interest in spirituality despite her taking them to church and joining support groups.

When I personally prayed about the cursing that can easily come from lips who say they "love their children" and asked God to keep me from saying such things as well and to use my speech to bless my own children, I heard him tell me in the spirit, "You can't bless and curse your children from the same mouth. The curse will override the blessing especially if your children do not accept Jesus as adults." It made sense, if she had spoke positively over them, it wouldn't have kept them out of all trouble, but it would have given them a self-love rather than a self-hate irregardless of whatever obstacle they faced.

I must admit my mother spoke more positive over my life than she ever spoke negative and I suppose that is why I rebound as fast as I do out of bad situations. The spirit within me that I accepted as my personal Saviour in 1997 has sustained me through all my trials. Now I know there are those reading this that don't acknowledge anything remotely close to God, Allah, Jehovah or any other spiritual entity and that is okay for you, but it's not okay for me. Will I tell you that you are a fool, stupid, crazy, for not believing, I bet you thought I would but no because to do that I would be cursing you, now wouldn't I? God has that kind of power. But how many times do people say those kinds of things to their children because the children disagree with what they are telling them even if it is correct information?

Back to the mother who spent many years cursing her children who are now 50 plus, to this day if they don't do what she asks, she will "cuss them out." Meanwhile, if they are ill or sad about something she will pray for them and ask others to do the same. One of her children approached her with a concern similar to the subject matter in this article and to that she said, "I don't know how I have hurt you?" Her child provided examples and she still acted as if she didn't know what she was talking about and at times blatantly denied things she said and did that hurt her child. Some people no matter what evidence is in front of them they will not acknowledge that they are wrong.

So what should we all take from this article, we should remind ourselves that when our children "get on that last nerve" as one woman told me her children do to her, let us have self-control over our mouths and thoughts. If we think our child is simple, fool, stupid, crazy, or some other negative word then most likely the child will feel our anger and act in a way that will enrage us later. However, what if we said, "I don't like what you did and people who act like that are viewed as being fools, simple, crazy, etc." The child can easily see what we are saying without walking away feeling like we have insulted him or her personally. We must also put people in their place when they say, "Your child is going to grow up and give you heartache...your son is acting like a fool now I can only imagine how he will be when he is older...you better watch out your daughter is going to end up pregnant young..." Although these people think that what they are saying is okay, it isn't. They should be rebuked for saying these things, I personally told a woman the other day, "My child will not be what you say. He will be victorious. He will have a good family and job. He will do great things in life..." As I went on for almost a minute, it shut her up. I didn't care if she thought I was "one of those kind of parents" who glorified my children. The truth was I was combating against her curses and declaring blessings on my son. Whatever your strategy is to keep negative statements off your children, do it! It will make a difference in their lives!

Nicholl McGuire
http://gamesactivities.blogspot.com/

Note: Some details in this blog were changed to protect the woman and her children's identities and names were left out on purpose.

Disgruntled Mother-in-Law

Everyone has advice to share about motherhood including people who never had their own children! It’s easy for someone to talk, but it’s often a challenge for them to help. The worse of them is a disgruntled mother-in-law. She never liked her daughter-in-law and on top of that "the despised" has created a child with her son. A jealous mother-in-law is like a poisonous snake waiting for the right time to strike with her unsolicited advice. Whenever possible don't let her (or any other mother's) snide remarks, know-it-all attitude and other negative personality disorders get the best of you!

When The Baby Cries...

The sweet, peaceful baby that everyone coddles over can turn into a crying nightmare in the blink of an eye! His or her mother may have received praises for how wonderful she takes care of her baby while he or she is quiet, but would she still get the same compliments if witnesses saw how she reacted when the baby cries?

I remember many days when my children’s cries were louder than mine! No matter what I did on some days to ease their discomfort it was never good enough and they would continue to cry. I noticed that I had a large support system when my babies were cute and calm, but no one was available when they were ugly and fussy.

Spoiled Mothers, Spoiled Children

It is better to be a wise mother than a rich one. I have noticed that most mothers are neither. I have seen mothers give their children everything they ever wanted and what thanks do they get back? The spoiled child usually grows up to become a spoiled adult – ungrateful, dissatisfied, and expects the world to bow down to him or her. The few mothers, who are praised for being wise that I have met in my lifetime hide behind strict masks not allowing their children to move left, right, up or down. Notice mothers who are in control possess power. Don't let your child control you!

Our Mothers Influence How We Mother Whether They are With Us or Not

Can I tell you that I haven’t always been content with how my mother communicated with me or her mother (my grandmother) treated me and I am sure they would agree that they haven’t always liked the way I dealt with them. But one thing I have learned through my life’s journey is that they still love me anyway and I still love them just the same. I will admit that part of my struggle with being a mother comes from the influences around me. Life hasn’t been a walk in the park for neither my mother or grandmother, they have their faults and some of those faults rubbed off on me. However, some of their strengths are also a part of my being as well.

When we get to a place when we stop fighting our mothers in hearts and minds and just accept them for who they are we will be able to walk in peace. Acceptance doesn’t mean you are now obligated to break bread with your mother and grandmother and take every feeling you have about them and bury it -- for someone to require you to do that they are not wise. Forgiveness doesn’t come overnight and sometimes forgiving someone has nothing to do with just not liking them. I think many are misguided on the issue of forgiveness but I digress.

Accepting mother and grandmother simply means that you are at peace within concerning them it doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with the things they say and do. You have realized that you are no longer going to fight with them about trying to get them to change anymore whether it is their lifestyle or what they say. The way I see it if you had a mother who was a lesbian, a preacher, a liar, a prostitute, a rock star, or a housekeeper and that was the life she chose as long as it doesn’t come into your home and strangle you, why fight with her? If there is one thing I want in this life for myself and children is to walk in peace. And if having peace means distancing oneself, well then by all means do what you must! Feel free to be who you are and forget about those who try to play psychological games to get you to conform. Acceptance must work on her end, she isn’t trying to change you and you aren’t trying to change her. Worrying about your own life is stressful enough!

Yelling, Spankings, Cursing, & Fighting? What to do About It!

How many times do we have to agree to disagree with our partner about the very simplest of issues? Oh, we tell him that we understand even act like we are okay with what he told us, but are we? You see, he may have noticed you are become increasingly more irritated with him and the children. You probably have spanked them when you would have ordinarily put them in time out. You may have been caught yelling at the dog or cat for no good reason. He may have walked in on you bad mouthing someone on the phone. And yes even for some mothers who would like to consider themselves mature, they have been scolded for acting inappropriately at the workplace, store, a group meeting, and even a church! "She's lucky we are not in highschool because I would...She better be glad I'm in church...He doesn't know who he is messing with..." Get my point?

Anyway, when so many things are coming at you all at once, it's time to put your hands up and take that much needed walk, bathroom break, nap, or long vacation. Let's face it, we are mothers not God and if you have no faith then attempt to believe in something that will help you achieve the peace you need before you explode!

It has been almost four months since I stepped away from my family to recover from my episodes I described in previous blog postings and I can tell you I feel wonderful! The book I am writing looks like it may be completed before September and I have done just about everything I said I wanted to do since visiting with parents on the east coast (the children are on the west coast with dad.)

Whoever told us that as mothers we shouldn't leave our children and stay at home and fight the good fight is probably in a mental ward somewhere. When you have had enough of the obstacles coming at you from the comment postings on your social networking sites to the noisy toys your children (and maybe even your partner) play with, it's time to take a long bubble bath, read a book when the house is quiet, or just simply sit down and do nothing.

You see, when people tell us things similar to what I am saying, right away a mother screams, "I don't have time!" If you can make time to talk on the phone, you can make time to sit down somewhere and just shut out the world including the voice in your head! I use to think the same thing when someone told me to take some "me time" I almost felt offended, "I don't have time. I have four sons, a small business, and I am responsible for the upkeep of our home...blah, blah, blah!" Then one day I noticed that two hours had passed by and I had been on the phone and then another two hours had passed by and I was clicking around on a social networking site connecting with friends from high school. So if we really pay attention to ourselves, we have time and most things we deem important won't be especially if we end up flat on our backs in a hospital somewhere (remember my stories.)

So please take heed to what I am saying when there is cursing, yelling, fighting, and other crazy things going on in your house know that these are signs of something worse to come! If you know that you are responsible for the majority of the drama that is happening in your home then it's time to step back, regroup, take some time for yourself, then orchestrate a new plan to help you help others!

"God bless you with some serenity!"

Written by Nicholl McGuire
http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Mother Thinks She Knows Best...

There will be those times when mother and daughter will disagree. You will say something happened one way, she will insist that it happened the other way. When times like these occur it makes you wish you had a "do over" button. You start to have a headache or stomachache, because mother wants to insist that she knows best when sometimes she doesn't have a clue!

I think sometimes mothers tend to think they know more then their adult children because they watched a show on television or read a magazine, but as we all know there is nothing like experience! It's easy to sit back and fantasize from a seat in your livingroom, but it is a whole different story when you are actually in the line of fire. I personally feel not just mothers, but anyone who hasn't "been there and done that" should keep quiet! I also feel because one has "been there and done that" doesn't mean that everyone will feel the same way about their experience. For example, I have heard some mothers talk about the joy of caring for their newborn and I have also heard other mothers talk about the struggles of caring for their newborn. I personally don't think that one should assume, because a mother has a newborn she is supposed to feel a certain way.

Anyway, back to the issue about mother and daughter relationships. Some mothers need to do more listening and less talking. They assume because they have "seen the movie" they know alot. When in reality, if they were put in a similar crisis they may not handle it in the way that they may be advising their daughter to handle it. That is why it is so important to be your own woman -- make your own life decisions without advice from mom. God has given us all common sense, wisdom, eyes to read, and ears to hear, it's up to us to find solutions to our problems by ourselves that way if anything goes wrong we can only blame us.

I personally enjoy finding answers to my own dilemmas without my mother or grandmother's input because what I don't want to hear later is, "I told you..."

You see, the "I told you" comments have become a huge turnoff for me. What they tell me is "Aha I'm right your wrong." Sometimes it isn't an issue of right and wrong, but they will make it seem that way. When you are having a conversation with someone and they just so happen to guess correctly about a problem you are having, it doesn't mean that for now on they should be the go to person! I think some people would love to be the one in your life who you would one day say, "If it wasn't for...I don't know where I would be or what I would be doing!" I have learned, for me, it isn't about people anymore and what they say or do, but it's about what God motivates them to do in my life. Because if it wasn't for GOD I don't know where I would be or what I would be doing.

I noticed if the advice a mother gives to her daughter before something happens in her life isn't very clear, wise, or beneficial, once the negative event occurs, the mother will try to change the details of her advice to fit her daughter's situation so that it looks as if she had warned her all along. However, the truth is she never provided enough detail about a situation and often flip- flopped (just like her daughter) in what she was saying prior to the event occuring. Now the mother wants to take credit for something she has no business taking credit for! If her daughter remembers that someone else had helped her through a situation and gives that advisor credit, her mother will quickly say, "But I told you the same thing..." Not necessarily, dear ole' mom, maybe that advisor was more clear, direct or said something entirely different to your daughter. Either way, mother doesn't always know best.

When we begin to see that our mothers are trying to dominate our lives or take credit for things they didn't do, we can do a few things: stop telling so much about our lives to them, avoid seeking their advice, and don't allow them to get the upper hand on our lives by giving them more praise than God.

Written by Nicholl McGuire
http://www.associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Seven Points People Fail To Understand When it Comes to Motherhood Trials & Tribulations

Some times the reason why conflict arises between mothers and everyone else, is due to some people not being careful what they say to mothers. They fail to understand a mother's pain, grief, circumstance, and so forth. They assume that they know what they are talking about when in fact they aren't knowledgeable enough to understand a mother's plight. So I thought of seven tips that I hope will help those who don't know any better. All I can say, is may God have mercy on them when their trials come, because THEY WILL COME!


1. The way you may handle parenting issues may not make sense or be feasible to other mothers, so avoid the temptation to think your way is the only or best way, because most likely it isn't.

2. When a mother misses her children, what favors she asks of you, if reasonable, should be granted. Why does she have to explain why she wants to talk or see her children to anyone?

3. Just because a woman is a mother doesn't mean that she will treat her children like you would.

4. Don't falsely assume that because one mother can juggle the following without falling apart: spouse, job, child, activities, and people, other mothers will and can do the same!

5. Don't ever volunteer your explanation for why someone's child was murdered, died, or some other horrible thing! You can't bring the mother's child back, so be careful with your reasoning. Most likely, she has her own thoughts to answer her question of "why" which may bring her peace no matter how absurb, crazy, or irrational her reasoning might be -- don't try to that away from her! Unless you can bring her child back from the grave or can heal him or her physically, listen more!

6. Being a mother isn't a game or competition and shouldn't be treated as such! Don't wish for a relative, friend, neighbor or co-worker's life! Keep away from negative thinking such as telling yourself, "...if you have more children than him or her that you will feel better." Instead, consider that their lives have more trials and tribulations than yours, so don't give any attention to braggarts!

7. Everyone doesn't have a faith; but it doesn't make a woman less than a mother because she chooses not to worship a deity. So avoid the temptation to judge or be critical; rather embrace your sister and pray for her secretly.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, For other articles related to parenting issues, money, relationships, and more, visit www.associated.content.com/nichollmcguire

Why do some mothers make life harder by imposing their choices on other mothers?

Why do some mothers criticize one another over the littlest of things? Whether she is a young mother who forgot to cover the baby’s head while getting out of a car or an older mother who is trying to breast feed her child in public, there is always some comment from afar. “Why doesn’t she cover the baby’s head, that’s why her child will be sick? Does she have to breastfeed here they should make it a law not to?” The self-righteous mother acts as if she has been able to get everything right the first time.

You may have decided to return back to work within six weeks after you had your baby and I may have chosen to stay at home. You may have decided to quit your job and allow your husband to take care of you. I may have stayed at my job, divorced my husband, and gave him custody of the children. Whatever our situations, why is it that mothers are critical of one another? “She should have kept her children. Why would she return back to work so soon after having a baby? If I was her I would find a man that made more money. After what he did to me, I would have taken the children and he would never be able to find us.” Chances are everything that these mothers comment about, if placed in a similar situation, they wouldn’t even take their own advice. So why is it that some mothers are so hard on other mothers? Because they feel they have a right to be.

Some women feel because they have crossed that threshold into motherhood and did well accepting their roles, they have appointed themselves as an authority on what other mothers should do or say when it comes to handling family matters. The truth is that in order to get to a place of comfort in their lives, they had to make many terrible mistakes to get there and rather than be honest and say, “Yes, I have been there and done that and I don’t want you to make the same mistake,” they will criticize other mothers to cover up their own shortcomings. They are fearful that if they advise rather than be critical that they would have to reveal too much of themselves. Therefore, putting their choices under the same scrutiny that they give to other mothers—of course they don’t want to do that! Other mothers are critical because they are envious. For example, they may wish that they had enough courage to return back to work so soon after having a baby or been strong enough to let their sons or daughters live with their father.

The mother who has no life outside of the family home seems to be the biggest gossip in my experience. She doesn’t have enough to do to stay off the phone or out of someone else’s home. She always seems to find the time to update everyone on the latest happenings in the family and in the community never bothering to leave out her negative personal opinion. Her mouth often gets her into a lot of trouble. “Did you hear that our neighbor’s son is in jail, you know if that were my son…? The paramedics had to take the man up the street to the hospital, I think it was because of all that drinking he got sick. He shouldn’t have been doing it in front of his children. Did you know that our friend just lost her children? She should have, she was always out partying.” However, the part that the gossip tends to leave out is her life experience. She chooses not to divulge how she had been physically, mentally or verbally abused by her husband in front of the children and she allowed it. She fails to mention how she has few friends, because she can’t seem to keep her mouth closed long enough to get any. Finally, and the most important of all, is she doesn’t want you to know how she has failed as a mother. Her children will tell you that they don’t like their mother for various reasons including her being critical of their life choices. Although this is an example, it is very real for some mothers who are trying to be good mothers, but along comes some gossip mother type who thinks she has it all figured out on what constitutes “a good mother” and to hell with the rest of us who may fall short of her expectations.

I can see why some women don’t have good relationships with their own mothers, mother-in-laws, motherhood groups, their church and other people and organizations that are suppose to provide support to mothers. The criticism can be overwhelming and if you are not content in your role as mother, these people can say and do things that can break you down mentally. Unfortunately, this happens all too often to some mothers who come from these meetings. They are crying to their husbands, complaining to relatives or praying to God somewhere alone. They are trying very hard to be the mother who can cook, clean, work, care for the husband and children, attend church regularly, keep up with the doctor’s appointments, the afterschool functions, organize the holiday celebrations and much more and despite all their efforts it is never good enough. There will always be some mother who will have something negative to say, “There weren’t enough things for the children to do at the last function. How come we never see your children at the meeting? You know that is not how we do it. It’s a family tradition…you should…you need to…you ought to…”
How about mothers, who are trying real hard to be good mothers, stop venting to their husbands, relatives and friends about their frustrations with other mothers? Instead, set the record straight the minute these critical mothers want to verbally assault you behind your back, you tell them to their face, “This is my function…this is my house…these are my children…and I am doing the best I can for what I know, how about you just sit back and keep your mouth shut!” As I write, I think about the mothers who rather keep quiet and let God handle matters and to that I say, even Jesus had to speak up sometime for what is right. Start praying that the Lord will give you the courage to speak up in his time not during times you think may not be right. Too often, we assume that every special occasion is not the right time to say anything, but sometimes these mothers hide behind the “this is not the right time” excuse to get away with doing things to hurt you, don’t let it happen to you. Although you may not get these critical mothers to keep quiet about you, you will have taken a stand, and let them know that you can’t and will not be bullied. If you don’t stand up for your role as mother who will?