Tuesday

5 Things to Expect When You Move On Without Your Children's Father

You spent years crying, fighting, and persuading your children's father to do what's right concerning your relationship and the children, but he fought you every step of the way by doing what he wanted without regard for your feelings.  So now when you are ready to do you, he wants to act as if he still has a right to be in your life by any means necessary.  You can take back control if you are aware in advance of the things he will do and say in the future in an attempt to hinder your success.

1.  He will want you back until he finds someone that he feels is a good replacement.

From pregnancy to marriage, a man that still has feelings for his children's mother will do just about anything to quell his emotions.  So if he can find a good match for himself, he will move on.  But if not, he will continue to act as if he has a place in your bed, your heart, or wherever you might go in life.

2.  He will threaten, lie, stalk or do other things to impede your progress because he is jealous, insecure, etc.

Some mothers will never move on because they continue to share personal business about themselves to their children's father.  Even if a mother no longer wants him, whatever she says to him, might be potentially harmful.  Don't talk about your new friend.  Don't feel it necessary to tell him the details about your employment.  And, don't personally update him on any successes and failures in your life or talk about those individuals the two of you know.  Do note episodes of anger outbursts (include days and times), days of the week and times when you saw him drive pass your home, and anything else that might be useful in case you might have to one day go to court.  

3.  He will tarnish your reputation with his (or your) family, friends and new partners, whether boldly or subtly, by exaggerating, lying, making false assumptions, creating a pity party, reveal private information, and fault-find.

If you thought he was a friend, think again!  Remember he is your children's father.  A heartbroken man is like a heartbroken woman, after he has been hurt, he looks for opportunities to cast revenge--even if he claims to be a child of God!

4.  He will act as if he is amicable toward you in front of others, but when alone with you he will make snarky comments in the hopes that you will get upset so that he can tell others, "I told you she was crazy..."

Some men take great satisfaction in seeing former girlfriends angry, because they were emotionally wounded.  Rather than act in a way that he expects when insulted, confronted, ridiculed, bad-mouthed, or disrespected, act out of the ordinary.  Put on your professional demeanor and act like you would if your boss was going to give you thousands of dollars extra for dealing with a difficult customer/client/employee.

5.  He will seek an attorney, borrow money and do other things to orchestrate a plan to get the children--that is if he really wants them.  Otherwise, he will let you keep them, because he assumes they will slow you down and you won't be interested in doing much else, but working and caring for them while he goes off and have his fun. (That is if you reverse the tables on him.)

Some men truly want to be fathers to their children, while others not so much and would prefer to be free to explore life, have a myriad of sexual encounters, etc.  While others weren't given a choice, but to care for their children even if they didn't really want to.  Whatever category your children's father falls into, know that he is going to have a plan up his sleeve that suits him and inconveniences you.

Now that you have five things to think about as you move on with your life, believe that with every step you make toward your goals, you will be stronger and wiser and still the best mom you can be whether near or far--I'm a witness!

Nicholl McGuire
Author of When Mothers Cry

Wednesday

When Buying Clothes for Children...

I have some tips on buying clothes for children that I use.  I have learned through personal experience, reading and shopping with other mothers on what to do and not to do when it comes to buying children's clothes.  I understand that certain times of the year, some parents can afford to splurge a little on some top quality brands, but most of the time, parents are looking for a deal.  The following hub pages are just my thoughts on a number of issues related to the family including buying children's clothes--enjoy!  Fellow writers: feel free to connect with me at Hub Pages too!

Childrens Clothing

Other Hub Pages worth checking out by Mother, Author and Poet Nicholl McGuire are listed below:

Buying Men's Clothes

When Shopping for Women's Clothes

Need Additional Cash?




Monday

Children Play Video Games Too Much

It all starts with one gaming system and one game, now add a game and another and another and before long you are the parent complaining, "You have too many games!"  Well, who bought them?

Most children play toys, games, and everything else too much, because parents aren't paying attention.  An hour goes by, a son or daughter is quiet, another hour and so on.  "As long as my child isn't bothering me...I have too much to do...thank God for the game!"  But how much quiet do you really need?

When I received a grade report from my oldest son, (who lives with his father out of state) I noticed he wasn't doing so well in school awhile back.  So I interviewed him to find out how was it that he could go from a B to a D in one class?  This is what he shared, "I play video games too much."  Read more here.

Friday

With So Much Sex on TV and Elsewhere, Don't Trust Your Children

"If someone had paid closer attention, didn't leave me alone with her, and periodically checked in on me, just maybe my cousin wouldn't have tried to show me a thing or two--thank God her plans were unsuccessful and I wasn't naked, but still the feeling--it stayed with me for years."

I thought of sharing my encounter as a child with a female relative, but that isn't the point of this blog entry and I just don't want to rehash every little fart about my life.  Rather, I want to drive a point home, don't trust children alone for long periods of time, I repeat don't trust children alone!  I know on weekends you are tired and you want to sleep in, but seriously try waking up early or staying up late and going into your children's bedroom or anywhere in your home where children are supposed to be sleeping/playing/reading.  Also, check the basement, the closet, and any place that children enjoy creeping out of adult's site and quite possibly getting into a relative's stash.  Make periodic checks like a security guard, walk the backyard behind trees/treehouses, the side of the house, pop up at the neighbor's house where your child is visiting, the backseat of a car, in the family room behind the couch, and even in the bathroom, children who like to "play house" or who are older just looking for some time alone, watch them!

I know that sometimes we think that our children are innocent and wouldn't think about such things, but they will attempt to emulate what they see on TV sooner or later.  From sexy scenes to silly nude acts, whatever looks interesting to a child, they will try it.  Some are bolder than others.  Some are fearful they might get caught.  Some are sneaky and others are liars.  You  might think you know your child, but do you?

I will be the first to admit that I am the parent who sits back and observes my children's personalities in action and I think about what and who they have been exposed to.  My young boys have watched Disney and other shows when I wasn't around and liked looking at the teen shows.  So I decided to monitor them more closely, now my one son is talking about when he gets older what girl he likes and will marry etc.  I can't stand those teen shows with the boy crushes! Ugh!

My teen aged son has seen his share of things online when he was supposedly playing video games at a friend's house while living with his dad.  I was angry for a long time about that one.  Another son thought that "wrestling" with his brother was okay.  He didn't look very aggressive and moving like a snake on his brother is not a wrestling move--I put a stop to that quickly!  There is no showering together, hanging out in the bathroom, garage, closet, etc.  "What are you doing in there?" I shout.  Then I get off my butt and go see.  I can't honestly say or ensure anyone what might happen if they get around a girl or two especially when I have another son that is honestly looking like a young man, rather than a tween and the fast girls are just showing off legs, wearing tight shirts, and shaking their broke behinds already (notice I didn't say shake their money-makers!)

Oh yes, the joys of parenting...don't trust those kids, I'm telling you!  Let them earn your trust!  Pop up on them, "Hey just checking on you, what's up?" mom says.  Use a camera or two if you suspect something.  Don't believe they are having cookies and milk over their friend's house--lol!  Sorry that this blog entry sounds bad to those of you who just believe that your teen son or daughter isn't interested in boys and girls--hmmm what about girls and girls and boys and boys?  But hey, you just might save your daughter from getting pregnant or getting an STD or questioning whether she wants to bi-sexual, lesbian or straight after that interesting experience with her girlfriend--just saying. Who knows, you might be protecting your son from a potential identity crisis if you watched for signs that friends aren't really just friends. And maybe just maybe, you might prevent a fighting match with an angry parent banging on your front door accusing you or your child of something that he/she/you did or didn't do.  A situation like that happened when I was a teen, a girl lied to everyone in a summer program I was in about sneaking away with some boy-- you think her parents weren't ready to beat up on every instructor in the group!  I don't know what her experience was like with the strange boy, but it messed her up for life.

Sorry kids, I don't trust you.

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

Out of the Mouth of a Child

Mother: What are you doing with those white pieces of paper?

Five-year-old son: These are my ideas.  I cut them up into squares.

Mother: Oh.

The papers were blank.

It is our job to guide our children in directions that will motivate them to fill those blank pages in their minds up.  We can start by encouraging them to write or draw their likes and dislikes, what they see, how they feel, and most of all what they want to do to help others now and when they grow up.

Nicholl, When Mothers Cry Author and Blogger
See also Parents, Babies Children Blog

No Football, No Boxing...No Running Through the Place!


Saturday

When Mothers Cry Radio Interview with Chris Moore


What Are We Training Our Children to Become?

Most people who are familiar with the Bible know about the scripture that reads, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it," Proverbs 22:6, according to the English Standard Version of the Bible on BibleHub.com.  But are we really training children and what exactly are we training them for or are we mere servants to our children with them training us? 

We usher our children here and there, cook, clean, and admonish them sometimes.  Often inconsistent in our discipline on one issue or another, we find ourselves a nervous wreck at times trying to teach a child this new thing or that one most likely over and over again.  "Bring the dish into the kitchen, don't leave it there...I told you I wanted you to bring the laundry here and then separate the clothes like this...You don't leave your shoes there, you put them here..."  The instructions are given, but at times fall on deaf ears.  So what is the consequence? Another long speech, something gets taken away, or one is shamed in front of others?

I thought of this wise Proverb about training a child yet again (see my other blog entries about parenting children) when I looked at the way I was raised as well as others and compared those that were considered privileged children (having all basic needs met and many things that underprivileged children didn't have like two parents living under the same roof for starters) to those that were not-so fortunate. What I noticed was that the privileged children were practically running their own worlds.  Parents were usually doing whatever was asked of them while children didn't do what parents asked of them without a gripe. Some of these parents found the time to buy their children just one more thing they wanted while things like homework and other school activities were considered important depending on who you asked. 

I was guilty as charged, being that I was gone from my children for a time, when it came to giving them things they really didn't need.  It is always an adjustment to get my sons back on track with me since I am the least favorite parent because I expose the little games they like to play with the other parent. 

The underpriviledged children (those that had grown up with less as compared to others,) were often grateful to get what little they got, at times appeared polite and respectful.  While those that had much, seem to be disrespectful and spoiled when interacting with others--mainly parents.  So I began to ponder, what are we training our children to become?

So I thought about the things my own sons have and didn't have.  I thought about what I could do to improve their atmospheres, their bodies, minds, and spiritual selves.  I asked them what their needs and wants were.  And when it was all said and done, they needed nothing.  They had the educational items as well as the entertaining ones to help them mentally and physically.  They had tools to create, perform, build, etc.  They had more than enough items to help with basic needs like food, clothing and shelter.  These boys had need of nothing!  Then I took what I learned and thought about their future since their present was covered.

As long as we are proactive in our children's lives and teach them how to be better people than we, then I can say confidently that we have done the best we can.  We must consider that there are three parts to us human beings--mind, body and spirit.  What can we do to improve all three besides giving our children things while continuing to look back on a past that we may have lacked this thing and that one with our own parents?  Can we, as parents, bring conversation, affection, consequence to rebellious behaviors, respect, praise, love, etc. to our children daily?  And what might be the end result to all this training, a child that grows up to be a man or woman who might share what he or she has learned from us (good, bad and otherwise) to others like we did after leaving our parents.  Maybe a son or daughter might learn to be more generous when we think he or she is being selfish.  Maybe this young person will turn out to be extraordinary and do great things for humanity.  Of course, there are the alternatives if we, society and/or they don't get it right.  But whatever our children become, we must remember to train these children above everything else!  Train, train and train some more!  When is the last time you sat down and read the Bible?  When was the last time you shared a life lesson with your child?  When was the last time you told them what to do and how to do it?  When was the last time you checked in to find out if he or she has the basic skills in order to survive in this doggy dog world?

If we want children to be more this or that, we must be willing to change the way we are training them.  We must put aside our bias persepctives and defensive mentalities when a wise person calls us out on what we are and aren't doing when it comes to raising our children. 

We can see when training needs to be done at a job and dealing with fellow employees, so why can't we see this when dealing with our children?  If your current training isn't producing the results you want, change it!  Cultivate an atmosphere that goes along with your new system of parenting.  You desire a bright child?  Then put more books and educational programs in front of them complete with your presence, your training and your wisdom.  You want a child to be more focused?  Then take away all the unimportant things that are distracting him or her. 

The more you expect from your child, the more you will need to be present in his or her life.  A child can't raise his or herself--that's why they need us!  Successful children are not born over night, they need to be trained.  So I challenge my readers, as well as myself, to do the kinds of things in our homes that will make children listen more, help out more, learn more, and so on. 

Whatever we want from our children, they will need more of us and less stuff.

Nicholl McGuire 

Wednesday

Taking a Break or Being Lazy?

When you really desire to take a break from being Mom is when you know you need to be. 

Hello, I'm Nicholl McGuire and today I would like to share some thoughts about being a mom.

I took a break not that long ago from children yet again.  I have made a point to do this periodically, because for me it isn't easy being a Mom.  I have done the whole "I can't be away from my children" super mom stuff in the past and to be quite honest, I put myself in the hospital.  So breaks for me is a good thing.

Not everyone can parent well when there is much work, opposition, trouble, trial--you name it--all around.  Just when you think you are doing great with so much activity going on, there are a few witnesses looking on the outside in saying, "Not so.  You feed the children too much.  You buy them too many things.  You let them play too many video games.  They are involved in too much.  When do you make time to nurture your relationship with your spouse?"  Get my point?

So sometimes you can't do it all and well either.  Those "I can't do..." feelings will come especially during the school year that will say, "Don't get up this morning.  Don't cook, clean or do anything else." 

There is a time to take a break, but there are those times that one must fight through the feelings of "I don't want to..." and just do anyway.  Surfing the Internet for entertainment purposes is simply not important.  Watching TV, talking on the phone, shopping, visiting relatives, hanging out with neighbors and friends are all past-times, but they aren't significant when children need to be trained on basic things like cleaning up after themselves,  the house needs to be cleaned, trash needs to be taken out, clothes laundered, and meals cooked.  But sometimes a lazy spirit has a way of showing up and telling you that all things "fun, nice, and great" need your attention ASAP.  Don't be fooled!  That is how we mothers end up falling behind with preparing meals, doing chores, putting children to bed, paying bills, writing letters, answering emails, making business calls, etc.  Think of those times when you stayed on the phone far too long and every thing you had planned for that day ended up not being accomplished?  Procrastination got in the way of duties.   

Like children, husbands will need attention.  You may be too weary one day, then two, then three and so on to meet his needs.  But if you let too many days, weeks, and months go by, problems will occur in your relationship that will eventually affect your parenting skills and your children's behavior and performance in school.  Avoid the temptation to act like a lazy lover and do what you can to get some more energy even if it means cutting back on some of that after school hustle and bustle.  Remember give your man some lovin'! 

In closing, make the time for you when you can, but recognize the difference between a break and just being lazy.

Nicholl McGuire
See my parenting blog for families with mixed age groups http://parentsbabieschildren.blogspot.com
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About Me

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Over 20 years office work experience, six years completed college coursework, background in print media and communications, recognized for exceptional attendance and received merit increase for past job performance, self-published author and part-time entrepreneur, Internet marketing and social media experience. Interned for non-profit organization, women's group and community service business. Additional experience: teaching/training others, customer service and sales. Learn more at Nicholl McGuire and Nicholl McGuire Media

When Mothers Cry Blog Archive