Selfish Parenting Doesn't Draw Children Near

Think about yourself when you parent, go ahead.  You want your children to do everything that you think is righteous and true.  You take your children to places you think they will enjoy.  You give them things only when you feel they deserve them.  Your children aren't individuals, they are a reflection of you.  Then you cry later when they grow up to be everything that you didn't want them to be!  Yep, selfish parenting at its finest.

I recall a relative once told me that I was born to the most selfish parents she knew.  My heart sank.  I  didn't want to believe that.  She started giving me examples and warned me not to be that way with my children.  She said that she had been concerned that my mother and I would not be close because of the things she had observed when I was very young.

Decades later, her prophecy was accurate.  We weren't close and I finally came to terms with the truth that yes, there are those parents including my own, that parented based on what they wanted from their children who agreed to be near not what their children could become who chose to be far.  They expected more from us (particularly emotionally) then they were willing to give.  We were to be available while they took and took some more, because we "owed" them.  They pushed us and pushed us some more in everything they knew about it concerning us, because they were concerned about what "others" thought of "our kind" that they pushed their own offspring away.  We were spanked or whipped.  We were used and abused.  We were told that we were loved, but "go away...don't stick around for long...I'm busy."  Then I became a parent...uh oh.

I got four tries to get it right.  Four tries not to make my parenting be about me.  I started off fine wanting what any parent wants for their children: a roof over my babies heads, clothes on their backs, food in their bellies, and a quality education.  But in time, things got a bit more complex.  I found myself making decisions for them without asking.  I was strict, I coddled, I enabled, I got angry...I was selfish.  

When they wanted to do something else other than what I suggested, I didn't like their bright ideas, "Why not try this or that?" I would steer.  I wasn't winning them I was losing, they were growing distant in their diapers--lol.  How would I reel those babies back in?  I wouldn't.  I had to allow them to want to have a relationship with me instead of swat at me or curse me in their baby language.  They had to explore on their own while I watched.  The atmosphere was safe, locked, protected with every safety device I could find.  It was okay to play with their toys a bit longer.  It was okay for them to pick out their toys while we were out, eventually it became okay for them to put down the old toys and buy new ones--it was all so okay!  Why was I stressing myself out trying to manage everyone and everything?

Those babies got older, they had an opinion whether they cried or talked about it.  I didn't agree with their outbursts or their reasoning at times, but it was okay to listen.  I wasn't losing any authority as a parent.  They said they wanted to be friends with and go and visit a friend...I didn't need to pick who that friend might be by listing everything that might be wrong with Jane or John Doe.  It's okay.

Had I fought them on every thing they selected and yelled at them for everything they did that didn't reflect a good example of us parents, they wouldn't be the nice young men they are today.  Had I made every battle about me, they wouldn't be speaking to me rather they would be running far, far away.  Had I not permitted them to fly like eagles, they would hate me.

Parenting wasn't about me, it was about them, preparing them for life.  Most of the work had to come from them.  So, in some strange twisted way despite our not getting off to a great start, I am close to my children without being smothering close.  I am cool with my children without being immature.  We all are open to sharing our views whether we agree or not.

Yeah, selfish parenting is not the way to go, you have to give in order to receive: peace, patience, love and understanding.  I'm still learning.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and When Mother's Cry.

Lazy Parenting, Grandparenting - ineffective, selfish, little or no discipline

You are the mother who is the least favorite in your household.  You are the grandmother who has zero tolerance for foolish behaviors coming from spoiled grandchildren.  The critics don't like you when you admit that you take toys away, spank when necessary, or don't spend money or time on children when they are acting disrespectfully.  You are angered by those whose idea of good parenting is buying everything a child wants while spending most free days sitting down watching the child play with toys or doing very little just to say, "I'm a grandparent."  As the child grows up, there are no requirements from the ineffective parent or grandparent to do anything for the household.  No teachings on gratefulness, love, forgiveness, hard work, discipline, etc.

Critics who don't believe in "training up a child in the way he or she should go..." are typically ineffective when it comes to dealing with children.  They are the ones who seek ways to do things with children without having to be too involved.  However, their suggestions tend to be lazy like an uninformative "5 Tips..." instruction list that lacks detailed strategies.  The short cuts they use only fix things temporarily, but don't get long term results.  Sure, a toddler stops crying when he or she has food in his or her mouth, but is the issue of not touching grandma's favorite items resolved?  What about the tween who knows better not to curse, but insists on dropping a few nasty words anyway?  Is telling the child repeatedly to stop cursing resolving anything?  And how about the teen who walks away every chance he gets while disrespecting his mother, sister and other members of the family?  Is a long talk going to cut the behavior?

The people who allow children to get their way while fighting those who speak wise counsel about their beloved children in an effort to combat defiance, disrespect, and other challenges are those who are still very much wounded children.  The hurting (no matter the age) often think about their feelings and what negative things transpired when they were young, that they become ineffective parents.  They project their own personal experiences on to the other parent who is attempting to raise children to be responsible.  However, the wounded parent is going to try to save the day without casting away childish ways, feelings and more.  The hurting mother or father, with unresolved issues of the past, might even use children to gang up on the other parent or grandparent in the hopes that the "big, bad mom or dad" will just disconnect from children or grandchildren, leave the family home, divorce, or separate.  The past hurts and we all have our stories, but that should have no bearing on effective discipline and healthy attempts at parenting children to be responsible, productive and quality members of society.  This is something that lazy parents fail to see, rather  they insist on holding grudges against any authority figure who corrects their children.  They believe children are often right while adults responsible for them are wrong.  Despite the lies that drip from children's mouths, the mean-spiritedness that some may have, and the psychological assessments and grade proof that show a child is troubled in some way, the ineffective parents will continue to act as if their children are "fine, good alright, okay" when the evidence says otherwise.

Lazy parents and grandparents are also selfish.  They don't sacrifice their pleasures to be proactive in children's lives.  They provide the bare minimum when it comes to parenting a child and meeting physical needs. If the requested items the children or grandchildren want keep them out of their hair then they might buy them.  The motivation for getting them is the benefit to these selfish people more so then that of the child.  Another gaming console?  No problem.  The child will be preoccupied with that rather than request wanting to be a part of a sport which would require the parent or grandparent to drive them  to many events and stay for games.  If the child has many friends, the relative doesn't have to be involved that much since Tommy and Bobby's parents are taking the kids out and about most often.

When a lazy and selfish parent or grandparent is needed to step up to the plate and do more for his or her child due to things like:  slipping grades, needed school supplies, mental health aid, and physical needs, he or she complains, finds fault with the requestors, and may even punish the child in some way.  They hate being inconvenienced and they definitely don't want to dig deep into their pockets to pay for yet another needed item that is simply no benefit to them.

Rules need not apply to the parents and grandparents who think that defying authoritarians is something of a mental game that they might personally amuse themselves with.  They encourage children in covert or overt ways not to listen to mothers, teachers, doctors, employers and others when they should.  There will be those times in a child's life where listening just might save their lives. The father who tells sons not to pay attention to mom's instruction because "she is having a bad day, crazy...doesn't know what she is talking about..." is also indirectly teaching them to ignore all other females as well including teachers.  "Listen to me, Sons..." he emphasizes, yet in time the children will stop listening to their dad when his actions are inconsistent, self-righteous, controlling, and outright disrespectful. 

The same power and control tactics used to teach Junior or daughter to ignore, belittle, mistreat, and more the other parent or grandparent will come back to haunt these children later in their personal relationships.  Not only that, the negatively brainwashed children who grow up to become adults in need of committed partners just might have a hard time having quality relationships.  This occurs as a result of the child growing up witnessing or listening to many disrespectful incidents between parents, grandparents and others.  Later, he or she reasons that being loud, threatening, violent, or even giving silent treatment to one's partner is functional behavior when in all actuality it is dysfunctional.

As much as we might like or even love some of these people, who might think that they are making life easier for their children and grandchildren with all their coddling, spoiling, and more, the truth is they are really making it harder for them.  Giving Junior everything, taking his side on just about anything, and believing one to be a great parent or grandparent just because one doesn't believe a child needs more emotional support, is doing nothing more than raising another human being who believes his or herself to be entitled.  Wait until he or she gets out into the real world, surely the spoiled one will be humbled unmercifully.

Nicholl McGuire, author of When Mothers Cry, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and Say Goodbye to Dad.

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The Disrespectful Attitudes of Children and Their Parents

"The apple doesn't fall to far from the tree," so the old saying goes, such is the case with disrespectful children and their foolish parents.


Everything that a child does isn't cute or funny, I said this awhile back when my children were babies.  I didn't approve of the smart mouth comments when they started talking and I still don't find them entertaining now that they are older.  Sometimes they get carried away with their joking, but the minute it happens, I warn them.  They didn't see me act like a fool with others and so I don't permit them to behave that way in or out of public and then laugh about it.  They are expected to say, "Please, Thank you, Yes, No, Mr. and Ms." and so on.   


If we train our children at home about how to behave with us and other adults, then we don't look like fools in public.  Some parents invite disrespect into their homes, because they aren't very respectful of themselves.  They want to be called by first names.  They dress like school-aged kids.  They allow children to watch nasty things on the Internet and on TV.  They dress provocatively around children at home and don't care much to censor sexual activity with partner(s).   Look at the sheer number of parents who make media headlines because they did or said something offensive and a child became a part of the mayhem.  Meanwhile, children are off to foster care programs or worse headed to juvenile detention centers after following in mom or dad's footsteps.


There are those adults who frown at those who call them out on their negative tone of voice they use when asking for something.  They get an instant attitude when questioned about the way they respond to a request.  Standing nearby is usually an observant child who takes the parent's nasty ways all in--studying what mom or dad is doing and watching for results.


When we permit people to act disrespectful toward us and dismiss it as "nothing," "no big deal" then when is it considered something worth commenting on?  When do you say, "Pardon me, but I will not be treated this way, where is your manager?  or Excuse me, but watch your tone of voice with me."


I shudder at the sheer number of mean-spirited children raised by, nonchalant, self-absorbed, evil-speaking parents.  I can only wonder what might the future look like as we remove more and more rules from language, conduct, dress, and other things that have long kept members of society in control.


Nicholl McGuire

Selfish Parents: Those Who Don't Love Children Enough

Selfish Parents: Those Who Don't Love Children Enough