Selfish Parenting Doesn't Draw Children Near

Think about yourself when you parent, go ahead.  You want your children to do everything that you think is righteous and true.  You take your children to places you think they will enjoy.  You give them things only when you feel they deserve them.  Your children aren't individuals, they are a reflection of you.  Then you cry later when they grow up to be everything that you didn't want them to be!  Yep, selfish parenting at its finest.

I recall a relative once told me that I was born to the most selfish parents she knew.  My heart sank.  I  didn't want to believe that.  She started giving me examples and warned me not to be that way with my children.  She said that she had been concerned that my mother and I would not be close because of the things she had observed when I was very young.

Decades later, her prophecy was accurate.  We weren't close and I finally came to terms with the truth that yes, there are those parents including my own, that parented based on what they wanted from their children who agreed to be near not what their children could become who chose to be far.  They expected more from us (particularly emotionally) then they were willing to give.  We were to be available while they took and took some more, because we "owed" them.  They pushed us and pushed us some more in everything they knew about it concerning us, because they were concerned about what "others" thought of "our kind" that they pushed their own offspring away.  We were spanked or whipped.  We were used and abused.  We were told that we were loved, but "go away...don't stick around for long...I'm busy."  Then I became a parent...uh oh.

I got four tries to get it right.  Four tries not to make my parenting be about me.  I started off fine wanting what any parent wants for their children: a roof over my babies heads, clothes on their backs, food in their bellies, and a quality education.  But in time, things got a bit more complex.  I found myself making decisions for them without asking.  I was strict, I coddled, I enabled, I got angry...I was selfish.  

When they wanted to do something else other than what I suggested, I didn't like their bright ideas, "Why not try this or that?" I would steer.  I wasn't winning them I was losing, they were growing distant in their diapers--lol.  How would I reel those babies back in?  I wouldn't.  I had to allow them to want to have a relationship with me instead of swat at me or curse me in their baby language.  They had to explore on their own while I watched.  The atmosphere was safe, locked, protected with every safety device I could find.  It was okay to play with their toys a bit longer.  It was okay for them to pick out their toys while we were out, eventually it became okay for them to put down the old toys and buy new ones--it was all so okay!  Why was I stressing myself out trying to manage everyone and everything?

Those babies got older, they had an opinion whether they cried or talked about it.  I didn't agree with their outbursts or their reasoning at times, but it was okay to listen.  I wasn't losing any authority as a parent.  They said they wanted to be friends with and go and visit a friend...I didn't need to pick who that friend might be by listing everything that might be wrong with Jane or John Doe.  It's okay.

Had I fought them on every thing they selected and yelled at them for everything they did that didn't reflect a good example of us parents, they wouldn't be the nice young men they are today.  Had I made every battle about me, they wouldn't be speaking to me rather they would be running far, far away.  Had I not permitted them to fly like eagles, they would hate me.

Parenting wasn't about me, it was about them, preparing them for life.  Most of the work had to come from them.  So, in some strange twisted way despite our not getting off to a great start, I am close to my children without being smothering close.  I am cool with my children without being immature.  We all are open to sharing our views whether we agree or not.

Yeah, selfish parenting is not the way to go, you have to give in order to receive: peace, patience, love and understanding.  I'm still learning.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and When Mother's Cry.