When They Aren't Your Children...

Some of us have grieved a child we either lost due to death, legal battle or some other way and it hurts!  We may welcome other people's children into our lives or stay clear away.  Only God knows the pain we feel!  It hurts sometimes to see someone with their children and here you are all alone with maybe a picture or two in a wallet or cell phone of your own child.  Sometimes you wonder how did you get to this place in your life that you are more important these days then raising your child, but it is your current reality, and how you deal with being away from your child or children is all up to you.

I am that woman that has been with children at home on a daily basis and then eventually had to say goodbye for a number of reasons sometimes for a short period of time and other times longer.  After I managed to get comfortable in my lifestyle, I allowed other people's children to come into my life until the time was convenient again to see my own children. 

It can be such a relief to your soul to talk to a child or do something nice for her or him that brings a smile on his or her face.  But I won't say that it doesn't hurt sometimes.  I think of how my sons might react to that nice toy I bought someone else's child and then I may feel guilty or get angry that my own children aren't with me.  I am learning slowly that instead of thinking of someone else's child as a replacement; it is better to just look at the time you are spending in the presence of other people's children as a gift of service similar to what you would do if you were doing volunteer work.  No one can ever replace your child and no one is asking you to either.  The beauty in spending time with someone else's child is you can give what doesn't belong to you back and never worry over the child like you do your own.

Every mother needs that time to recharge.  She needs to look back at the time she had been spending with her own children and learn from it.  There is so much we can do with free time that suddenly comes out of no where.  Oftentimes we covet it when we are around our children.  We wish that we could be that woman who doesn't have to tote children around.  We think of those moments of peace she has just to do something simple like try a new hairstyle or paint her fingernails.  Now it's our turn and we might as well make the most of it until that day we meet our children again.

Nicholl McGuire

Very Part-Time Mothering

Some of us get what we pray for! In my experience, the opportunity to live my life without my children for long stretches at a time. I asked God recently to uplift me from some of my parenting responsibilities, because it was literally making me sick and he did just that! Some happy-go-lucky parents (and those who have lost their children to death) will be very critical without even considering the details. Others will be curious while some may even be jealous, wishing the same for themselves. For those wondering why pray such a prayer, I'll tell you...

Years ago, before the pro-life activists got a hold of me and told me that abortion was wrong, I had thought of the "what ifs" in my life as young as 15 years old. What would happen if I became pregnant, how would everyone react? What if my teenage boyfriend and I decided we didn't want the child? What if I couldn't get over what I had done? What if he wanted the child? Well back then I had a scare, which only turned out to be nothing more than a late period because I had recently joined the track team. Although I had protected myself, the condom found its way inside rather than outside and we were fishing for it, so that is why I was very scared back then that I could be pregnant. So years later, as an adult with four children and the opportunity in my life to have two families and be a stay-at-home mother in both failed relationships, I have decided to go ahead and let the fathers keep our sons. I could have fought with one father in the court again and win them back. Meanwhile, take the burden off the other father and collect a child support check, but why? Some would argue, because their your children, well they are theirs too. Because you don't want another woman raising them, well she won't be the only influence in their lives and besides I could use her help too. Because you are a better parent than they are, I could be, but it's the fathers' turn to figure things out like I did while they worked.

You see, I have read about so many women fleeing with children in tote with a little bit of nothing to offer them while the fathers live better, have more, and can ultimately afford more than she could ever give her children. As I write I think of one of the fathers telling me how he is going to put our two sons in private school. Sounds great, but on my wages (a writer and a secretary -- it may never happen?! But if he can, more power to him!) You see, I am done trying to prove myself (with tears in my eyes, a hand on my forehead, and unbelievable PMS issues- which are being treated) to a society who tells me what motherhood should look like -- what's good for the goose isn't necessarily what's good for this gander! I love my children, God knows I do, but there is something deep within that just can't fully wrap myself around the idea of society's definition of mother. It isn't the typical Webster's dictionary definition that I argue with, but it's the societal view that we shouldn't voice our burdens about motherhood; rather be grateful and feel blessed, as well as "the all mothers go through this" societal attitude, "so just live with it" when we are seeking help.

Just like we wanted equal rights as women to vote, to work, and to play sports, I want equal rights when it comes to my choice of how often I want to mother my children. For me the annual spring break, winter break, and shared summer break, works best for me -- thank you very much!

I think of those women who are gasping for air, struggling to breath, heart pounding, shaking violently, and wishing for someone to go get their pills so that they can swallow a substance designed to bring them back to a life they are so tired of living! (I know because I been there!) Mother awakes to baby cries, changes diapers, feeds, plays, rocks, nurses, teaches, cleans, sacrifices her personal life, and so on and so fourth...while an unsupportive partner, who doesn't even bother to help her when she is sick, says, "I prefer you stay home with the children. I don't want them in daycare. I don't think this relationship is working. I don't think you should say that to our child. I don't think you should feed our child that...I don't think that you should buy our child this..." How about I think fathers and self-righteous family and so-called friends should, "Shut up!" If it isn't something that is hurting the child, leave the mother alone! Further, when she is down and out, why kick her? Why expect her to be something she doesn't or can't be in the midst of her illness?

You see, in the end I have learned it isn't my family and I being buried in the same grave together, it's just me! So if I have some people around me that feel like they can do a better job than me, then so be it and who cares what society thinks! I'm all for very part-time mothering! Men have been very part-time fathers for centuries, so if they want to make up for lost time, then God bless them!