After the Vacation: On Playing Mom Again

So now that I'm back home after eight-weeks away from the children, it is an adjustment.  It seems that the children have learned to adjust to mom being away; therefore dad is the "go to guy."  When you are away from your children for any period of time, there are those moments when you are reminded that in spite of a hiatus, sabatical, vacation, or whatever you might call it, you are still mom.  Therefore, when you return to your children, you have to jump right back in.  The honeymoon is over!  The children will test you.  They will "play" you, dad, grandparents, babysitter or whoever in order to get their way.  A typical scenario goes like this dad said, "no" to something, so they go to someone who will say, "yes."  All parties have to be in agreement on the basics before you re-enter their lives.

I found that adjusting back to home life, this time around, took about seven days give or take.  I had to first get use to their schedule again for eating, sleeping, etc.  Then I had to converse with the partner about some of the household changes and strategies on disciplining them.  Next, I had to get use to some of their new toys (some of which contained many pieces.)  I also had to unpack my own things and get comfortable in my old environment again which underwent some changes.  To top it all off, there was no longer free time to just sit on the phone for hours or leave the house whenever I pleased (sigh.)

I think that some of us mothers just don't know how important free time is to us when it is given to us on a silver platter.  We still think about the children, check up more than we should, talk about them as if we have no other life, etc.  I was guilty of doing these things during the first part of my vacation, but then I eventually got use to being away from them.  However, I couldn't resist, at times, those moments to send photos and video as well as call them before bedtime.  Sometimes my attempts to connect with them caused more problems then helped. They became difficult for dad and wanted to know, "When is mommy coming home?"

So if you do decide to take a vacation from the children anytime soon, do keep in mind that you will need to periodically keep in touch in order to remain relevant in their lives and you will also need to reconnect with your children when you get back.  Take some time before you see them again to problem solve on past issues and be ready for new challenges.

Nicholl McGuire

Saying Goodbye to Our Children

THE LORD GIVES AND THE LORD TAKES AWAY...

She said goodbye to two sons -- one taken away by a bullet another taken away by a knife. She told other sons goodbye when they went off to war and went off to jail, she is my grandmother.

She said goodbye to a little baby girl who was born in this world stillborn, years later she would bury two more children out of twelve, she was my father's mother.

She said goodbye to her daughter who went off to college, relocated to two states with her grandchildren in tote, and almost said goodbye to her in sickness, she is my mother.

She said goodbye after a three hour conversation about her life such as obstacles she had to face as a mother of four and being a teenage mother at age 14, it was her last phone call to me before she died, she would have been my mother-in-law.

She said goodbye to her four children after two failed relationships. The first set of sons she had to let go of due to divorce. The court said it was in the best interest of the children to be with their father. The second set she had to say goodbye, because their father didn't have the strength to undergo difficult circumstances due to her health, all four sons three thousand miles away, she was me.

The examples you have just read are true stories of women who have had to undergo enormous stress, insourmountable odds, and much more to say, "Goodbye" to their children. From letting go of their children in death to finding the strength to walk away when you rather fight! What grief, pain, anger, envy, and bitterness a mother experiences! However, through it all a mother can still see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Although, she never gets over saying goodbye completely, she finds a way to keep on living despite her circumstances. She may turn to her faith, family, work more intensely at her job, create a foundation in rememberance of her child, or do something else to bless her with a sense of sanity and peace. Yet, there are mothers who have lost their faith, distance themselves from family and friends, and all but disappeared from society. They are not ready to move on, get over or anything else, because for them they feel they are leaving their babies behind. Even though this isn't correct thinking, and comes from a dark place of despair, this is how she feels and she doesn't want to hear you or I talking about trusting in God. As far as she is concerned, she isn't interested in God anymore! How could a God who loves her take the very thing away from her that made her so happy? This mother is miffed with God.

How do we reach out to our sisters who feel this way? We can start by listening. As women we always have so much to say, we are quick to share our experiences, but we don't consider what she must be going through. We fail to put ourselves in her shoes. If you recall, you weren't ready to embrace every positive thing or statement that came your way. You just wanted to be left alone to gather your thoughts to make some sense of something that at times has no comprehensible explanation. If you are worried about her, go into your closet and pray for her. If she opens up to you, sit back and listen. If you are aware of the things that might make her smile, get them for her. Remove your feelings out of the picture and concentrate on hers. She will at times love you, other times hate you and may offend you. But you are no friend, if you can't stick by her side when she needs you most!

To those mothers who are in similar situations as the ones described above, remember the good times and surround yourself with people and places that will keep you up! As I write I am in grief myself, but I appreciate the good, the bad and the ugly memories of my children, and at times I can't help but laugh! I laugh because I know that if they were in my presence I wouldn't do a d*mn thing different! They would say or do something to send me crazy and I would most likely yell, threaten, or put someone down on their bottom! They would do something sweet and I would most likely put my arms around them and kiss their faces! Find the good in every situation and remember those like yourself when you feel strong again...they need you too!