Stressed Mothers - Being Everything to Everyone

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Does Stressed Mom Need a Gift or Some Love?

You are a mother.  You are a mother who is stressed.  You are a mother who is not only stressed, but don't feel so good about the upcoming holiday.  Whether your own mother is alive or not, you realize that another celebration of mom and/or you is not what you need right now.  Then say so.  Maybe you have decided you are not cooking, visiting, party planning, or expecting anything from anyone. 

You just want love, Mom, I get it.  A hug will do, an "I love you" is sweet, and some time alone is also good.  A cheap husband, boyfriend or relative will applaud your simple request, but if one feels it in his or her heart to do something nice so be it--embrace it.  Yet, these days love is what you and others most likely appreciate more.

We  have lived in a world of much confusion, anger, bitterness, jealousy and more and with each passing day it seems to be getting worse.  A stressed mother feels like she is the sun revolving around the world rather than the sun revolving around her.  She is trying very hard to make a partner, children, co-workers, relatives, and others happy and bring light to the darkness that maybe in their lives.  Yet, Mom is not only tired, but angry because the more she does for others, the more they expect from her even when a holiday approaches. 

When Mother decides to retreat, take a break, and distance herself from people, she is viewed as not a nice person and is "God with her."  Her anticipated break she takes for herself may be days, weeks, or even years depending on how worn out she is emotionally and/or physically.  Sometimes there is no break, she has simply made up in her mind she is so over people, places and things that she remains distant.

A Mother's Day gift is nice for you or someone that you know, but what is most important is love near or from afar.  Love conquers all.  You don't have to know the mom who needs love and she doesn't have to know you, simply wish her well, say a prayer and put her in God's hands.  Think of  those around you who are experiencing much pressure from parenting to work and then along comes another holiday that might not be so positive for them (many people no longer have their moms around due to distance or death).  And you thought you had it bad?

You attract love when you are willing to receive it, so welcome it and allow peaceful moments to revive you.  Avoid the temptation to fill every moment of the day with activity.  When you need an extra pair of hands, use them.  The benefit to this upcoming season is that there are those who will be willing to help you just because it is Mother's Day.  So appreciate them and make those requests.

Nicholl McGuire

Asking God for Freedom via Death

Look to The Future Moms - There will Be Better Days
http://whenmotherscry.blogspot.com/2015/12/look-to-future-moms-there-will-be.html

Stressed Mother Breathe - Now Why are You Doing So Much Again?

So many things to do and so little time to do it, but you will get through, Mother!  You have been here before and you will again, so suck it up and do what you can!  However, think about what is happening and whether or not you are going to make things happen like this next year and the next and the next.  Hmm.

I awoke to my traditional programming many years ago (about 2007) when I noticed that I was the only one concerned about the tree, tinsel, gifts, meals, visiting relatives for holidays, etc.  "What was I doing?" I asked myself.  No one was stressed but me.  The males in the family continued to do what they always did year after year (watch TV and eat) while mothers, stressed like myself at the time, put on phony smiles and complained to our moms about everything from how much something cost to what someone wasn't doing to help us. 

Those days leading up up to 2007, I was beginning to feel angered for no apparent reason especially during the holidays.  I was stressed about spending far too much money and time with folks who didn't appreciate much or did little any other time of the year.  Did they really give a d*mn anyway?

I learned early on when the tree was no more one year that no one seem to care not even my little ones.  Then the next year I noticed nothing was said when I bought less.  Years later included no cooking and no gifts, the family complaints were few.  They lived with it despite my mixed emotions.  "Wait a minute," I thought.  "I am making a big deal out of nothing!  I do for all sorts of people other times of the year too!  And isn't this the season that is really supposed to be about Christ, but then no one really knows his real birthday...and don't I have debt to pay...so now what is the purpose again?"  Then when I saw the billions of dollars corporation receive around the holidays and I had nothing--I really woke up!

Mothers take on more than their share of holiday planning, buying gifts, bridging gaps with their families, friends and in-laws, and for what?  You don't realize just how much you are doing and how it starts taking a toll on you (mentally, physically and spiritually) until you have a wake up call--the kind that leaves you scratching your head, "Now what am I doing all this for again?"

Rest in peace to all the mothers who are no longer with us this holiday season.  (It kind of makes you wonder they might have lived a little longer if they hadn't stressed so much during their youth about the holidays and during other times of the year).

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual wisdom on this site and others.  Get your copy of When Mothers Cry today.

Counselors Doing More Harm than Good?

Yesterday was yet another wake up call for me and I recognized that just because some teachers are popular doesn't mean that they are good when it comes to solving mother and children dilemmas, relationships, and workplace issues.  I spend hours daily researching all sorts of material for a number of projects and sometimes I am just shocked at the sneaky ways evil shows up to mentally, physically and spiritually bound masses of people while pretending to free them. 

I thought of a psychologist yesterday, who like most of her colleagues, challenges her clients to do some inward work on themselves when it comes to their personal perceptions, feelings, etc. regarding loved ones and others.  I liked some of the exercises she provided, but I also recognized that validating her clients' emotions was definitely not something she did and even when they validated their own emotions, she kept encouraging them to explore more.  I thought, "Now how much more exploring are people going to do and when was she going to do a little more guiding them outside of their dysfunctional boxes and onto some greener pastures?"  Anyway, I noticed there was a motherly attitude that exemplified, "You should know better...You could have...You should have...the answers are within you..." therefore causing her clients to criticize themselves for even bothering to react to someone's "perceived" wrongdoing.  I thought, "They could have stayed home with the folks that offended them and heard them say how wrong they were!?"  Her demeanor displayed she wasn't buying too much of anything these hurting people were saying, but hey, a wealthy bank account makes some behave that way.  Now I use the psychologist as an example just to show you how this sort of counseling happens between mothers (who either care too much or others who care too little) and their teens and adult sons and daughters. If your offspring is coming to you with an issue, helping him or her solve it is wonderful, but how you do it, what you say, your demeanor, and other factors will indeed make or break your relationship.  Further, allowing one's offspring some room to come up with his or her conclusion is a good thing, but when you know that a son or daughter is not showing any signs that he or she is ready or able to receive your counsel, then back off and direct his or her attention to some resources that might help.

Plenty of things aren't that serious to discuss with others and we don't always need to react or assume the worse when we or "they" don't want to be bothered, but our perceptions are not always wrong about people, but some counselors (even loved ones) will have you to believe that they are and you can't trust them.  I think with victims who have been abused for years, there is always a person within who says, "Am I wrong?  Is this really a big deal?  Should I have defended myself in that situation?  Is what I am seeing and hearing truly accurate?"  Sometimes this is done so much in the mind to the point that one doesn't recognize right from wrong, good from evil anymore--the lines are blurred.  I could see what side the loveable psychologist was really on and I can't say for sure she was a child of light.  Narcissistic types love calling evil good and good evil, blurring lines, denying, blaming, etc. and also thoroughly enjoy any work that self-sabotages.  What better way to get the attention off the guilty party and his or her mean-spirited ways, when you focus solely on your so-called inaccurate perceptions, "crazy" ways, and more, while a partner cheats, a relative continues to lie, a friend steals, a boss disrespects you, and children do some ungodly things.  Meanwhile, the victim (or one of her protective alters) is behind yet another room in her mind that she was placed in by a so-called, helpful psychologist who tells her, like only a mother can, "Go to your room and think about it...not my problem...Who cares?  I have better things to do."

We can easily fall into a trap of following after counselors in darkness who love getting us to challenge ourselves, but also play with our minds during the process so that we doubt what we feel even when our responses are quite natural and/or spiritual.  If I am angry and I know who or what provoked me to anger, then why would I challenge an absolute truth in my world whether you choose to believe I shouldn't be angry over one thing or another?  Anger is a constructive, attention-getting boundary when used correctly and within reason, so why take that righteous indignation away from someone?  What about if you are sad about the loss of a loved one, don't you have a right to grieve in the way that brings you peace for how long you want?  Maybe the grief is also working as a boundary to keep troubled individuals away.  But a counselor who has vested interest in making money might cause you to think in a way that you are always relying on him or her while never reaching true peace and freedom (think: controlling pastors).  Sometimes we aren't going to get a quality life looking inside the same selves that made the poor decisions in the first place--thank God for those counselors who do respect Him, His Holy Word and direct us toward Him.  God knows the burdens can be far too great to deal with exclusively within, this is why some end up destroying selves, families, careers, and more because they can't see any way out of the boxes that people have put them in, so they become enemies of their selves.   

Wisdom, love, defending yourself, and more is what you are supposed to exhibit when someone is attempting to put your light out, suffocate your spirit, or exercise power and control over you.  Why would I take what I feel in the moment toward my accuser/foe and reverse it back on me as if the lie I have been fed (or whatever else) applies to me while being told in so many words I shouldn't be feeling that way?  But this is what some of these quack counselors attempt to get you to do over and over again before you are taking some prescribed medication or doing other things to put you on a fast track toward suicide or murder.  "There must be something wrong with me...maybe I am a nut.  No wonder he doesn't love me," one might say.  Maybe you are a bit odd, have some "issues," but good counselors are supposed to help, not leave it all up to you to do everything to heal you.  If that's the case, you don't need them.  Meanwhile, the counselor who has brainwashed an individual into thinking he or she is one's own god takes no responsibility for provoking negative reactions to the lies, twisted doctrines, and other dark things he or she supports.  Think before you go under hypnosis, who are you trusting your mind to?

When it comes to the people and things of God, some ill-informed counselors, know full well that it isn't a single event that causes someone to react, but a series of them leading up to emotional outbursts, mental breakdowns, and more.  But our media would have us to believe that the poor mother went crazy over some of the most strangest things before hurting a spouse or children.  Rarely, does a group say, "Well how did she get to that point where she lost it?"

During those moments we self-talk, we are supposed to be taking responsibility for times we didn't say or do something when people or things were hurting us.  That is often what many of us mothers are guilty of along with not handling issues as soon as they happen.  In addition, we might fail to document problems due to being tired, busy, lazy, etc. and then forgetting about them, and/or not expressing concerns for fear we don't want to hurt someone's feelings or reputations.  Women are good for doing these things then later blowing up on everyone and everything because we didn't feel our personal needs were met by a partner, children or grandchildren.  Did we tell anyone how we felt or did we just sweep things under the rug when people refused to help us?  "No big deal, oh well..." some women say about a situation(s) when they know they are dying inside.  Others say more than enough and are pushed away, misunderstood or treated unfairly as a result.

If you should find yourself seeking a professional counselor on or offline or using family and friends as listening ears about problems, know that you have reached the point where you don't feel like you can manage it.  This is why it is so important to know who you are trusting your life to whether it is recorded messages online or face-to-face counseling sessions.  A good adviser is going to provide you with solutions that go beyond self-reflection exercises.  Of course, it is extremely helpful to question whether your perception in a matter is indeed accurate, but you don't want to stay in that place to the point that you are doing things like:  doubting your feelings, whether events happened in the way you saw them, was what you heard true, belittling yourself, esteeming an abuser, often thinking something is wrong with you for reacting, etc. 

No matter what someone says or how comical, motherly, and clever a person might be in showing you some silly, dumb or stupid things about you, stay away from becoming your own worse enemy, abusing yourself, while elevating popular counselors, codependents and abusers.  Most of all, check to see if you are doing these things to others.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of many books, blogs and provides online administrative support for individuals and businesses.

 

5 Things to Avoid Doing When You Are Stressed with Partner and Children

You know what you can and cannot tolerate when it comes to stress, but sometimes you forget and end up doing and saying some things you really shouldn't.  So when you are aware that you feel like your head is about to explode and people, places and things are irritating you, why put yourself in settings and volunteer to do more things that are only going to worsen your condition?  What might you be guilty of doing now that could possibly be aiding your headaches and keeping your nerves on edge?

1.  Taking on more responsibilities outside the home.

When someone or something beckons your attention, know whether or not it is necessary to address the need right then and there, most often it is not.  But pushy people will make you feel like you need to do everything right now.

2.  Shopping with children when you don't really have to.

Is it necessary to bring children along when you shop?  Sending someone who is already going to the store or out and about to get a few things for you is so much easier than packing everyone up and hauling them out.  Besides, you know you will end up spending more money than you want toting the team around.  "I'm hungry...Could we stop there?  Mom, I want that...Mom, he's bothering me!"  You know how the children can be sometimes.

3.  Helping a partner with his or her tasks when you know you can't or just don't want to.

You are still a good wife/girlfriend even when you say, "No, honey.  I really can't help right now.  I just don't feel well...I need to unwind.  I have too much on my mind right now."  Then go be alone for awhile.

4.  Staying on the phone or Internet for hours at a time listening or reading about someone else's troubles.

It isn't any wonder you are on edge?  Throw in the issues at work and you just might explode on someone.  Best to chill out.

5.  Discussing your problems with those who can't help you in the least.

Can loved ones and friends really help relieve your stress?  If you believe they can, then why not take them up on their offers of "If you need anything..."  Tell them what you need.

You have different rooms in your residence for good reason, use one and give yourself a time out.  You have shut off buttons on electronic devices, use them.  You have one mouth and two ears, do more listening (like sitting still and listening to your Maker) and less talking.  Find ways to alleviate your stress in the future if it means delegating more responsibilities at work (like take a day off) and home (like ridding yourself of unnecessary things that no longer solve problems).  Also, think about cutting back from civic group involvement.  Further, tell your children that you can't keep running to every game, performance, etc.  If they are getting to be too much, consider canceling the activities.  Enlist the help of others who can come out and show their support if this isn't an option for you.

Far too many women run themselves ragged trying to be everything to everyone and unfortunately they end up not being the nicest people to be around.  Partners talk of divorce, children bad mouth their mothers, and others become distant.  Monitor your stress levels and know when to pull back a bit from life.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Say Goodbye to Dad, and other books.

Stressed Mother Admits She Wants A Divorce - Supernanny US

How to Recover From Burnout

If you have ever experienced burnout you know how difficult it can be to get over - especially if you are still working. Here are a few ideas to help you work through the recovery process. The theme underlying all of these suggestions is that you must be good to yourself. No one else can or will do that for you.

At Home:

• Eat properly - 6 small meals a day is ideal but be sure they are balanced and low calorie
• Get plenty of sleep. Quality is better that quantity. If you need help sleeping see your doctor. You can't recover if you are exhausted.
• Get plenty of exercise. It does not have to be hard exercise even walks are good for you (and the dog!).
• Get out in the fresh air as much as possible.
• Simplify everything you can.
• Live under your means and get rid of financial worries.
• Clear away clutter and you will open your mind to new ideas.
• Don't be a perfectionist. You are not Martha Stewart so relax about the house and cooking.
• Be sure chores are spread out evenly. Don't do it all yourself and don't try to do it all in one day.
• Learn to meditate or do yoga.
• Listen to soothing music instead of the television.
• Take up art or reading for relaxation.
• Listen to relaxation or visualization tapes.
• Get massages to relax tension.
• Journal to release emotion.
• Take soothing baths and use exotic oils and fragrances.
• Get help with the kids so you have some "me" time.
• Laugh
• Play

At Work:

• Break your tasks into small pieces and have a mini celebration when you compete each one.
• Don't do everything 100%. Learn when 80% is good enough.
• Take breaks often.
• Get up and move around.
• Eat lunch - not at your desk.
• Go outside and walk in the fresh air.
• Guard your "self" time. Do not have an open door policy.
• Plan specific times to return phone calls and emails.
• Leave your work at work. Do not take it home with you.
• Try to eat 6 small balanced meals a day.
• Avoid sweets and chips.
• Do exercises at your desk to release tension.
• Take regular vacations.
• Take a day a week of for a while to give yourself a long weekend to rest.
• Decide what must change and make an action plan to accomplish it.
• Don't try to do everything yourself. Learn to delegate and remember the 80/20 rule.
• Engage your sense of humor.

If you can't get yourself back on track with these ideas get a coach who can help you. Be sure to do thorough screening so you get someone who is well credentialed and well trained. You want the best for yourself.

About the Author:

Lynn Banis PhD, MCC is known as America's High Performance Coach. She specializes in helping executives and entrepreneurs make the most of their opportunities and potential. Her years of working with small and large businesses has given her a depth of knowledge that is invaluable to her clients. You can reach her at http://www.discoverypointcoaching.com or lynn@discoverypointcoaching.com. Also check out Lynn's other businesses: Coach Academy Texas, a cutting edge coach training company; and Turnkey Coaching Solutions, a coaching program management and contract coach staffing company.

6 Essential Tips For Working Mothers

"A mother's work is never done" (sigh). Just when you think you're through, you find you've only just begun. You aren’t the only one!

If the pressure of balancing your work and parenting is ultimately leading you to give both your work and family less, it is time to find a new parenting strategy and quick! When a work from home mom decides to set clear boundaries and manage her time effectively she can dramatically reduce parenting stress and boost her parenting joy. So let’s get started.

Six Essential Work Life Survival Parenting Tips for the Work at Home Mom (WAHM)

Your happiness as a work at home mom (WAHM) depends on your commitment to following these six parenting time management tips:

1. Ban your open door policy. Set your work hours and stick with them. Unless your job requires you to answer the phone, answer it only on your schedule. A work at home mom (WAHM) has no time for distractions (especially from your kids and spouse—likely your biggest distractions). This only leads to low productivity. Make certain every member of your household knows the times of day when you are and are not available for interruptions and stick with this schedule.

2. Involve your family in what you do. Talk about what you do, ask your family to help solve work problems (children often find very creative solutions), and let them help you with small jobs like licking envelopes. One work at home mom I know asked her nine year old daughter to answer the business telephone when the receptionist called in sick, on one of their biggest sales days. This boosted her daughter's self-esteem and also helped her appreciate how her mother's work put a roof over her head, food in her mouth and clothes on her back.

3. Consciously make the transition from work to home. When it is family time, focus on the family. Make certain you have cleared the work cobwebs from your head. Write down your to-do list for the next day and ask yourself before you leave your desk, "How can I make my time with my family special?" Then smile and give them a hug when you see them. Too tired? Take a 20 minute cat nap, a quick walk, meditate for a short while or say a little prayer to let go of your day, so you can be all they deserve you to be.

4. Remember it's about quality time, not quantity time. When you are with your family, be with your family. Leave work behind so you can focus on them. "Light up" as soon as they come into the room and find fun ways to do mealtimes, and even clean-up times together. Half an hour of positive can prevent dozens of hours of misbehavior.

5. Solve misbehavior time-wasters. As a family counselor, I regularly hear variations on the complaint, "My kids are driving me crazy, but I'm too crazy to find time to learn how to stop them from driving me crazy." There are simple ways to motivate your children to want to be well behaved. Invest the time now, so you don't spend more time and frustration later on (which of course takes away from time you can devote to your work).

6. Schedule your self-care time. The most critical key to your WAHM success is to nurture some of your needs so you can continually renew your passion for parenting. You need time to replenish your energy so you can be more efficient, productive and happy. With so much on your plate it is essential that you schedule a minimum of 20 minutes a day for you. Before or after the kids are in bed is generally the easiest to stick with.

By the way, if putting your self-care needs first makes you feel guilty and selfish, then don't do it for you—do it for your family. It is time that your self-care became a necessity, not a luxury so you can give more to all you do—at both work and home. Remember that if you are emotionally and physically healthy, you will be able to give more quality time to your family.

The six parenting time-management tips above will allow even the busiest work at home mom to finally have her cake and eat it too. By successfully balancing work and family, you will model for your children a fulfilled and healthy woman and your family will no longer have to deal with a "burnout-mom" but a happy one!


Kelly Nault-Matzen, M.A., is a corporate spokesperson, mother and wife, family counselor and founder of http://UltimateParent.Com —a company that provides parenting resources such as the Mommy Moments online parenting course. To gain access to more parenting tools visit http://www.ultimateparenting.com