Chapter 13 Relationship Problems - Book When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire

The following is a book excerpt from When Mothers Cry, Chapter 13 Relationship Problems...

"Mothers who have been the victims of cheating are often alone in their pain; because at the time it happens there is usually no one around who can comfort them.  Even a partner who cheated will have someone to lean on to ease his pain when the relationship with his children's mother comes to an end!  A mother who has ben cheated on will agonize over the fact that she was the babysitter for her partner while he went out on his dates.  She may think of all the times she slept with him and he had been in the bed with someone else.  Her stomach churns inside because this man told her that he loved her repeatedly and had no other woman, but she learns that it was all a lie.  She suggested relationship counseling and he had excuses.  Now she has children looking up to her asking questions about "you and daddy..." and all she can say with tears in her eyes is, "You will have two houses you get to go to."  Meanwhile, she is really thinking, "How did it come to this?" While she was thinking that every couple argues, he was thinking every man needs to get away.  While she was thinking he will get over past disagreements, he was thinking, "I will find someone else."  While she was thinking about the fun time he must be having with their children while she is away, he was really toting them around so that he could visit his girlfriend.  This is the a pain that far too many mothers face!  It is a pain that sickens her stomach and causes her to go to the bathroom one too many times, because she is afraid of what more will she find out and how will she react to yet another surprise?  What secrets is he keeping from her?  What woman will call or show up at the house?  What will slip out of her children's mouths next?  What did the children see daddy do while mommy was away?

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If you are a mother suffering right now because of a relationship challenge, then consider getting help outside of yourself so that you can make some changes mentally.  Some of the things you can do:  attend a support group for your concern, participate in a weekly Bible study group, read books or watch programming that will help you think positively, get over your past, and forgive yourself and others.  For instance, if you are using the children to get back at your partner, stop it!  You are hurting the children more than you can imagine, because they have a natural bond with their father that was already in them before they were born.  They can't help how they feel because their father helped fertilize the seed!  If their father is coming around to see the children and he treats them respectfully and kindly then let him be a part of their lives.  If the father is incarcerated tell him to address letters to the children or take them to see him.  Children can learn powerful lessons about life whether their father is free or imprisoned.  It's up to the parents to teach the children and answer their questions as honestly as they can.  Mothers who are wounded emotionally by their mates sometimes suffocate their relationship pain by drinking alcohol, doing drugs or other useless things in order to get a false sense of happiness.  Then later, when their high wears off, their back to square one again--coping with the pain in their mind, body and spirit.  The healing process to get over relationship issues can be shortened if the mother acts with a sober mind.

Every mother should consider listening to her children.  When your child sees you are irritable often yelling, complaining, or being abusive, he or she is going to yell, act up, be angry, or be spiteful.  Children mirror their parent's behavior.  Check yourself before you check your children!  There are those women who don't bother to read a book, see their doctor, or do anything mentally or physically healthy to get them on the right track.  Strongly consider getting the help you need if you know you are guilty of flipping out on your children because you can't seem to shake the pain off of something that a man or someone else has done to you.  You may also be going through some health issues as well such as a mental disorder, perimenopause, menopause, PMS, or some other hormonal related issue.  You may not know why you are angry often.  Once you have an understanding of what is wrong with you, get an understanding with your child or children and find out what his or her issues are at school, work, family, or with you.  All it takes is a major situation like cheating to occur to wake you up to other things going wrong in your life, you can either learn from what you went through and work toward being a better person, or let resentment, bitterness, anger, and fear eat you up on the inside.  Eventually, you will die and miss out on the opportunities in life to see your child grow up to be a wonderful adult.  I honestly believe that children are our second chance at life.  They are there to help us become better people personally and professionally."

Purchase your copy today "When Mothers Cry" by Nicholl McGuire

Your Husband, Boyfriend Won't Give You What Daddy Didn't

Seeking genuine love, affection, appreciation and more from a spouse or live-in companion can be self-defeating when he or she is unwilling or doesn't know how to do these things.  People just can't give you what they don't have nor can they satisfy innate desires especially when you have a history of "Daddy Issues."  Daddy didn't love mother and children, Daddy was too busy, Daddy had better things to do, Daddy was often frustrated and angry with us, Daddy had mental illness, Daddy's parents didn't love or care for him...and so all this stuff gets dumped on us somehow some way and we are encouraged to deal with it, "That's just how your father is." 

In my nonfiction book, Say Goodbye to Dad, written for those women and men who feel fatherless, and are seeking a deeper understanding as to how to break free from toxic emotional ties with their fathers, these topics and more are discussed.  I share some personal experiences, but the majority of the guide is directed toward presenting the struggles and finding the solace through the painful memories.

Life is simply too short to go about it wishing/hoping/praying for something that a partner, a father or a substitute just can't provide you, Mother.  The emotionally and physically draining one-sided relationship does impact you down to your very soul and then spills over onto children and grandchildren.  In Say Goodbye to Dad not only do I provide you with trusted research into various difficult personalities, but I expose the wounds and share tips on how to get on the fast track toward healing and come out of trials with a smile on your face!  There are enough issues one has to face in his or her own family let alone having to deal with Daddy related stuff as well when you don't have to or want to.

It is a damn good feeling to finally be free from fear, worry, and other toxic parental programming brought on by self and dysfunctional kinfolk--trust me, I have done it!  I want my readers to feel empowered, have courage and know that everything isn't going to fall apart because you are protecting yourself and your children from further emotional upset and other things connected to a dysfunctional father. 

You can parent better when you experience peace and no longer pain from the past.  You can also be a good partner to someone who loves you much or you can free yourself from a bad relationship decision as a result of a toxic tie to Dad. 

So check out a free sample of my nonfiction book, Say Goodbye to Dad  (use coupon code BP69U for a limited time only).  Now if your father isn't the issue, but your mother is a burden, then check out Tell Me Mother You're Sorry (use coupon code NK75A for a limited time only) that encourages self-awareness solutions on dealing with mother manipulation.

Nicholl McGuire, When Mothers Cry Blog Owner

On Going Back - Should You? Relationship, Event, Hometown, Employment...

Arguments: You Cried Again Over What He Said, He Did

Being a mother is challenging, but being a mother with children and a partner/husband can take its toll to the point that you are lying on your back in a hospital bed wondering, "What just happened...why am I here?  When will I stop letting that man get the best of me!?"

I have witnessed some of the most content mothers and grandmothers without men.  Let me repeat, without men.  They rather be alone then to cry over yet another man who simply refuses to do right by his family.  One mother of six shared with me, "I have been hurt by men so much that I would be afraid to be with one now, I just might kill him...I wouldn't want him around my kids either...he just might not love them, and then that's when I would have to hurt him."  This is a woman who truly knows herself.  But far too many women choose to focus on what they hope to become rather than what they now are.  If you have little patience, time, or need for a man, why bother?  Why bring him around your children?  Why settle for someone who has a proven record of selfishness and isn't into his own children much less anyone else's? 

Picture this, you are in the kitchen preparing a meal and notice your partner/husband's cell phone flash on the table near you and there it is, a message on the screen that you and I both know isn't a typical work sounding message.  In a moment, just like that, your stomach churns, you stop cooking, and now someone has some explaining to do.  After repeated arguments, you find out far more than you wanted to know and now you are crying.

With so much temptation on the Internet, it isn't any wonder that so many couples end up in divorce court.  Imagine this, you are minding your own business on the Internet and decide to look up something you saw yesterday, yet instead of finding what you viewed in Internet history, you see that your partner is up to no good.  Now your head hurts, your heart aches, and you are surfing for an attorney online with tears in your eyes.  Enough is enough!

From a partner loving everyone else but you to parenting blues when it comes to raising children, what more are you doing these days besides crying?

The father of your children curses, lies, makes false promises, covers up his Internet activity, pretends to care for you in public (so that men including his friends won't think twice), stares at other women, talks about you to other women (including mom), and claims that he believes in a Creator...yet the writing on the wall says, "This is it. Stop crying.  Your struggle is no more."

The yelling, name-calling, throwing things, and crying does nothing!  It only upsets you and creates further distance in your relationship.  Children become worried that one day something or someone is going to get hurt, walk away, or they are going to miss out on a favorite toy or pet as a result of mom and dad not getting along.

One can cry, she can complain, but once the fuss is over, you have to ask yourself, "What do I want?  It is obvious that the man isn't going to change, so what should I be doing?"  Here is a list to help get you started:

1.  Save money, spend less.

2.  Maintain or get better employment.

3.  Sell what you have to get what you want.

4.  Live where you want to live.

5.  Take up a hobby that builds up your self-confidence and uplifts you spiritually.

6.  Pray, fast and read words of wisdom.

7.  Connect with successful women who are at peace with their life decisions with or without a man.

If you believe in a Creator, then you must know that you can't hear from Him when you are yelling and you can't see him when your eyes are blinded with tears.

Nicholl McGuire is a blogger, author and YouTuber, listen to inspirational and convicting messages at http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7 

Signs of a Controlling Relationship

Mentally Controlled by Lovers - Rooster-pecked women and their intimate ...

A Good Man is Hard to Find: What are Some Women Doing to Kill Their Relationships?

A Good Man is Hard to Find: What are Some Women Doing to Kill Their Relationships?

Children and Relationship: Two Separate Issues

As mothers, when we are frustrated with the children, sometimes we have the tendency to take out our anger on our partner and vice versa.  She says, "Well if you didn't give the kids that...maybe they wouldn't behave like..."  He says, "Why don't you just get off my back, you always have something to say!"  See the difference?  One talks about an action related to the children and the other wants to criticize the way she is communicating with him.  One is a parenting issue and the other is a relationship issue.  If this conversation was to continue it would most likely reverse and reverse some more until everyone is yelling including the children in the next room.

Moms and Dads sometimes aren't conscious of how we are taking two separate issues and making them become one especially in the heat of battle.  Throw in everything else into the battle like, finances, job, relatives, location and more and you will have a myriad of issues that all end up in the same category: divorce.  When talk like this happens all hell will break lose!

We have to remind ourselves that if we handle the relationship and the children as two separate issues (as well as everything else,) things will be easier to handle.  We must pace ourselves with each issue and don't try to cover everything in a single meeting.  Maybe talk about one issue on Monday and then something else on Wednesday.  However, if we put everything in one big pile and try to handle it all at the same time in one major blow up, nothing will get done.  Rather, all parties will walk away with hurt feelings.  "Mom screamed at me." says one child.  "She was yelling at me too," says Dad.  "I couldn't hear her and didn't want to," says grandma.

I have been guilty of this sort of thing myself sometimes consciously and other times subconsciously.  I have started with an issue related to my relationship and then before long the children are involved, sometimes because they are just there--in the way!  You know, standing there looking at two adults talk while pushing trucks and cars around.  "Go play!  Now where was I..."  By this point I'm so frustrated and so is the partner mainly because it is taking too long to get to the point.

Sometimes as moms we catch a lot of heat in our relationships because of the children; yet, our partners can't see the problem behind the problem.  For instance, let's say one child has a challenge that takes up a lot of your free time while another child is always pestering you for something.  The irritation that you feel is yours and yours alone especially when your partner doesn't want to be bothered.  He doesn't see or maybe chooses not to acknowledge how your issues with the children are affecting your mood.  Now he has an issue with you, what!?  Yeah, it happens.  As confusing as it may sound, but sometimes they forget that the children and you are two separate matters and that neither you or the children should be treated as one big challenge.

We all must be mindful when raising children and handling issues with partners that we are simply flawed people.  Every situation is not going to be dealt with like a customer service rep in a fast food restaurant.  "Would you like fries to go with that shake?"  Sometimes the napkin, fork, ketchup and whatever else you asked for isn't going to be in your bag when it is given to you through the drive-thru window.  Now consider that analogy and apply it to your intimate relationship and your parenting skills.  You can't always do it all and not all at the same time, mom.  Sometimes you will forget what challenges are connected with you, the children and your relationship and when this happens, handle them all separately.

Some couples are ready to get a divorce for reasons that they see, but they fail to look at what was going on behind the scenes.  Maybe a spouse was putting too much pressure on the other to do everything right and when some things were forgotten, he or she was treated like one of the kids.  Sometimes when there is an issue with the children, the partner wants to blame his or her spouse.  He or she acts like a voter picking sides rather than working together.  When things like this happen, it isn't any wonder why men and women in relationships with children start looking to be anywhere, but at home.  Keep the children out of your relationship as best you can.  Treat them and your relationship as two separate issues.  When in the heat of battle, stay on a single topic and forget about the rest for the time being.  Who knows, your relationship just might last long after the children are gone?

Nicholl McGuire

7 Things To Expect When Breaking Up With Your Child's Father

It was inevitable, we were going to break up and I believe looking back I was somewhat unprepared. So I share my knowledge in the hopes that someone who is fed up with being with the father will think carefully before ending the relationship.

1. Consider putting everything in writing and discussing with an attorney.

From who gets the children on what days and times to finances, talk to your ex about what you are willing to give and receive as a result of the breakup. Any disagreements or discrepancies should be dealt with in court. As much as we think we can avoid it, at some point you just might. A separation agreement is simply not enough when there are ongoing disputes about the care of the children, so get representation in court and have plenty of proof that is "in the best interest of the children" to argue your case.

2. Proceed cautiously when dating.

You never want to date someone soon after breaking up with a partner, at least not for all eyes to see, because this might be misconstrued as cheating which won't help matters.

3. Jealous emotions and anger out of nowhere.

You might have thought everything was okay between you and he in the beginning. That is until he starts ranting about the littlest of things. Deep down inside he is angry about you moving on with your life and jealous of the possibility that you might do it with someone who is better than he.

4. Children misbehaving.

From sleepless nights to acting out in school, children will not behave in the way that you want on a consistent basis for awhile. It takes some children longer than others to adjust to two homes, two parties, two holidays, and other changes that you and your ex-partner have set up at each of your locations.

5. Distance from relatives and friends.

Depending on how close the relationship, your relatives and mutual friends may behave differently toward you. Some may come around more during this stressful time of your life and others might act distant. You will know where these people's loyalty lies. When you discover the truth about some so-called relatives and friends, avoid talking to them about anything that is personal.

6. Money woes.

Breakups cost money especially if you are the one moving. So be prepared for the onslaught of bills. Collectors might call, overdrafts might start appearing on your bank account, past due maxed out credit card bills, etc. If you plan well and sell as much as you can to offset the bills, you might come out ahead.

7. Vengeance.

Your ex may promise not to do anything to hurt you, but if he has feelings of hurt he may do the total opposite. He may abuse joint accounts that you have yet to clear your name from. Talk negatively about you to relatives and friends. Sleep around. Ride women in his car. Stalk or threaten you. If you notice any abusive behavior or potentially abusive behavior like destroying property, notify authorities. You might think it isn't a big deal, but just think of the women who died due to a break up because they didn't tell anyone about the signs leading up to their former partner's evil actions.

There are many more things you might encounter after a break up, but just remember if you have a faith, you will see the positive in every situation. Do pray. Confide in a trusted friend. Make necessary business calls to resolve your issues. Save money.

Nicholl McGuire

Feeling Loved and Accepted

Sometimes mothers think that the only way they can get married or find someone new is to make the man feel obligated to them by having more children. If you were to step outside of your mind and become the man for a moment looking at you, what he would see is a frazzled woman, cooking, cleaning, hair undone, no makeup, and caring for children, I can almost bet you that’s not what he really had in mind. Instead, he sees the beautiful woman he first met complete with hair done, nails polished, waxed, trimmed, and perfected in the image of whatever he fantasized.

One way we can feel loved and accepted not just by a man but ourselves too, is to model positive, strikingly beautiful women inside and out while maintaining the personality that caused him to fall in love with us. When you feel good about yourself, the world will indeed take notice with comments like, “You look nice today, your hair is pretty, where are you going…can I come?”

Nicholl McGuire
http://tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com