Today my son asked, “is there anyone here, obviously not you, mom, who is
good at math?†Immediately, I took offense because we are in the middle of
a p...
Showing posts with label parenting tips. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting tips. Show all posts
Monday
Wednesday
Baby Care Weekly - online parenting magazine
If you are interested in reading material about parenting and baby care, we are recommending our latest parenting resource, Baby Care Weekly. This site offers useful articles to help with parenting a baby, toddler or big kid. You can also reach out to "Aunt Dotty" with your parenting questions and concerns. There are also recommended products on the site like this one if you are a mom who wants to listen in on your baby in the next room. So do check out this resource and thank you as always for showing your support When Mothers Cry readers.
Many blessings to you and your family!
Nicholl
Many blessings to you and your family!
Nicholl
 |
| whenmotherscry.blogspot.com |
Wednesday
Saturday
What Are We Training Our Children to Become?
Most people who are familiar with the Bible know about the scripture that reads, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it," Proverbs 22:6, according to the English Standard Version of the Bible on BibleHub.com. But are we really training children and what exactly are we training them for or are we mere servants to our children with them training us?
We usher our children here and there, cook, clean, and admonish them sometimes. Often inconsistent in our discipline on one issue or another, we find ourselves a nervous wreck at times trying to teach a child this new thing or that one most likely over and over again. "Bring the dish into the kitchen, don't leave it there...I told you I wanted you to bring the laundry here and then separate the clothes like this...You don't leave your shoes there, you put them here..." The instructions are given, but at times fall on deaf ears. So what is the consequence? Another long speech, something gets taken away, or one is shamed in front of others?
I thought of this wise Proverb about training a child yet again (see my other blog entries about parenting children) when I looked at the way I was raised as well as others and compared those that were considered privileged children (having all basic needs met and many things that underprivileged children didn't have like two parents living under the same roof for starters) to those that were not-so fortunate. What I noticed was that the privileged children were practically running their own worlds. Parents were usually doing whatever was asked of them while children didn't do what parents asked of them without a gripe. Some of these parents found the time to buy their children just one more thing they wanted while things like homework and other school activities were considered important depending on who you asked.
I was guilty as charged, being that I was gone from my children for a time, when it came to giving them things they really didn't need. It is always an adjustment to get my sons back on track with me since I am the least favorite parent because I expose the little games they like to play with the other parent.
The underpriviledged children (those that had grown up with less as compared to others,) were often grateful to get what little they got, at times appeared polite and respectful. While those that had much, seem to be disrespectful and spoiled when interacting with others--mainly parents. So I began to ponder, what are we training our children to become?
So I thought about the things my own sons have and didn't have. I thought about what I could do to improve their atmospheres, their bodies, minds, and spiritual selves. I asked them what their needs and wants were. And when it was all said and done, they needed nothing. They had the educational items as well as the entertaining ones to help them mentally and physically. They had tools to create, perform, build, etc. They had more than enough items to help with basic needs like food, clothing and shelter. These boys had need of nothing! Then I took what I learned and thought about their future since their present was covered.
As long as we are proactive in our children's lives and teach them how to be better people than we, then I can say confidently that we have done the best we can. We must consider that there are three parts to us human beings--mind, body and spirit. What can we do to improve all three besides giving our children things while continuing to look back on a past that we may have lacked this thing and that one with our own parents? Can we, as parents, bring conversation, affection, consequence to rebellious behaviors, respect, praise, love, etc. to our children daily? And what might be the end result to all this training, a child that grows up to be a man or woman who might share what he or she has learned from us (good, bad and otherwise) to others like we did after leaving our parents. Maybe a son or daughter might learn to be more generous when we think he or she is being selfish. Maybe this young person will turn out to be extraordinary and do great things for humanity. Of course, there are the alternatives if we, society and/or they don't get it right. But whatever our children become, we must remember to train these children above everything else! Train, train and train some more! When is the last time you sat down and read the Bible? When was the last time you shared a life lesson with your child? When was the last time you told them what to do and how to do it? When was the last time you checked in to find out if he or she has the basic skills in order to survive in this doggy dog world?
If we want children to be more this or that, we must be willing to change the way we are training them. We must put aside our bias persepctives and defensive mentalities when a wise person calls us out on what we are and aren't doing when it comes to raising our children.
We can see when training needs to be done at a job and dealing with fellow employees, so why can't we see this when dealing with our children? If your current training isn't producing the results you want, change it! Cultivate an atmosphere that goes along with your new system of parenting. You desire a bright child? Then put more books and educational programs in front of them complete with your presence, your training and your wisdom. You want a child to be more focused? Then take away all the unimportant things that are distracting him or her.
The more you expect from your child, the more you will need to be present in his or her life. A child can't raise his or herself--that's why they need us! Successful children are not born over night, they need to be trained. So I challenge my readers, as well as myself, to do the kinds of things in our homes that will make children listen more, help out more, learn more, and so on.
Whatever we want from our children, they will need more of us and less stuff.
Nicholl McGuire
We usher our children here and there, cook, clean, and admonish them sometimes. Often inconsistent in our discipline on one issue or another, we find ourselves a nervous wreck at times trying to teach a child this new thing or that one most likely over and over again. "Bring the dish into the kitchen, don't leave it there...I told you I wanted you to bring the laundry here and then separate the clothes like this...You don't leave your shoes there, you put them here..." The instructions are given, but at times fall on deaf ears. So what is the consequence? Another long speech, something gets taken away, or one is shamed in front of others?
I thought of this wise Proverb about training a child yet again (see my other blog entries about parenting children) when I looked at the way I was raised as well as others and compared those that were considered privileged children (having all basic needs met and many things that underprivileged children didn't have like two parents living under the same roof for starters) to those that were not-so fortunate. What I noticed was that the privileged children were practically running their own worlds. Parents were usually doing whatever was asked of them while children didn't do what parents asked of them without a gripe. Some of these parents found the time to buy their children just one more thing they wanted while things like homework and other school activities were considered important depending on who you asked.
I was guilty as charged, being that I was gone from my children for a time, when it came to giving them things they really didn't need. It is always an adjustment to get my sons back on track with me since I am the least favorite parent because I expose the little games they like to play with the other parent.
The underpriviledged children (those that had grown up with less as compared to others,) were often grateful to get what little they got, at times appeared polite and respectful. While those that had much, seem to be disrespectful and spoiled when interacting with others--mainly parents. So I began to ponder, what are we training our children to become?
So I thought about the things my own sons have and didn't have. I thought about what I could do to improve their atmospheres, their bodies, minds, and spiritual selves. I asked them what their needs and wants were. And when it was all said and done, they needed nothing. They had the educational items as well as the entertaining ones to help them mentally and physically. They had tools to create, perform, build, etc. They had more than enough items to help with basic needs like food, clothing and shelter. These boys had need of nothing! Then I took what I learned and thought about their future since their present was covered.
As long as we are proactive in our children's lives and teach them how to be better people than we, then I can say confidently that we have done the best we can. We must consider that there are three parts to us human beings--mind, body and spirit. What can we do to improve all three besides giving our children things while continuing to look back on a past that we may have lacked this thing and that one with our own parents? Can we, as parents, bring conversation, affection, consequence to rebellious behaviors, respect, praise, love, etc. to our children daily? And what might be the end result to all this training, a child that grows up to be a man or woman who might share what he or she has learned from us (good, bad and otherwise) to others like we did after leaving our parents. Maybe a son or daughter might learn to be more generous when we think he or she is being selfish. Maybe this young person will turn out to be extraordinary and do great things for humanity. Of course, there are the alternatives if we, society and/or they don't get it right. But whatever our children become, we must remember to train these children above everything else! Train, train and train some more! When is the last time you sat down and read the Bible? When was the last time you shared a life lesson with your child? When was the last time you told them what to do and how to do it? When was the last time you checked in to find out if he or she has the basic skills in order to survive in this doggy dog world?
If we want children to be more this or that, we must be willing to change the way we are training them. We must put aside our bias persepctives and defensive mentalities when a wise person calls us out on what we are and aren't doing when it comes to raising our children.
We can see when training needs to be done at a job and dealing with fellow employees, so why can't we see this when dealing with our children? If your current training isn't producing the results you want, change it! Cultivate an atmosphere that goes along with your new system of parenting. You desire a bright child? Then put more books and educational programs in front of them complete with your presence, your training and your wisdom. You want a child to be more focused? Then take away all the unimportant things that are distracting him or her.
The more you expect from your child, the more you will need to be present in his or her life. A child can't raise his or herself--that's why they need us! Successful children are not born over night, they need to be trained. So I challenge my readers, as well as myself, to do the kinds of things in our homes that will make children listen more, help out more, learn more, and so on.
Whatever we want from our children, they will need more of us and less stuff.
Nicholl McGuire
Wednesday
New Parents: On Getting Children to Talk
Once your children are able to walk, talk and be away from you, you might want to converse with them about things that will make them aware of people, places and things that could quite possibly cause them harm. Don't leave it up to the school to teach your children about things like good touch and bad touch, good manners and bad ones, and stranger danger. Create your own lesson plans and start talking!
Discuss good touch, bad touch.
Tell children about protecting their private parts and not allowing adults and children to touch them unless they are hurt. If so, show them how doctors touch and teachers so that they recognize what is good and bad touch. Verbalize what would be considered bad touch and tell them why they shouldn't let people hurt them.
Talk about good girls and guys, bad guys and girls.
These conversation works well with the previous one, because it tells children that not everyone who smiles, laughs or brings them something nice is a friend. Show them examples of children who were hurt because they followed a man to a car. Role-play with someone or with their toy figures so that children further understand what you mean.
Encourage children to share stories about their days.
You can use their daily experiences to teach them other things like: how to be polite, how to share, how to act when others are acting badly, and more. Sometimes you can use a book, a toy or someone to trigger thoughts in your child's mind about things they did or said while you were away. Ask questions about how something made them feel and what they did to handle a situation. Always smile and watch your tone of voice so that children will want to talk to you. Don't tell them what you will do to someone because they did something to your child. You don't want your child to be scared and start keeping secrets because they don't want to anger you--so act calmly.
Draw pictures or do other projects with your child.
Children will talk more especially boys when they are busy with something else like building something, eating, drawing, or putting something away, so do invite your child to talk by using the activities they are doing to start dialoging.
Use gifts, money, candy, fun places to visit, and other things to keep children talking.
When you give children nice things because they are doing such a "good job, playing nicely, being polite" they will be more likely to continue conversing with you.
Be watchful for other opportunities to talk and teach your children. Make yourself approachable. Sometimes simply sitting down and watching a child play or do something else will move him or her to come over and talk to you.
Many children grow up to be some of the best communicators because they had people around them who enjoyed talking and listening to them.
Nicholl McGuire also maintains a parenting blog here.
Discuss good touch, bad touch.
Tell children about protecting their private parts and not allowing adults and children to touch them unless they are hurt. If so, show them how doctors touch and teachers so that they recognize what is good and bad touch. Verbalize what would be considered bad touch and tell them why they shouldn't let people hurt them.
Talk about good girls and guys, bad guys and girls.
These conversation works well with the previous one, because it tells children that not everyone who smiles, laughs or brings them something nice is a friend. Show them examples of children who were hurt because they followed a man to a car. Role-play with someone or with their toy figures so that children further understand what you mean.
Encourage children to share stories about their days.
You can use their daily experiences to teach them other things like: how to be polite, how to share, how to act when others are acting badly, and more. Sometimes you can use a book, a toy or someone to trigger thoughts in your child's mind about things they did or said while you were away. Ask questions about how something made them feel and what they did to handle a situation. Always smile and watch your tone of voice so that children will want to talk to you. Don't tell them what you will do to someone because they did something to your child. You don't want your child to be scared and start keeping secrets because they don't want to anger you--so act calmly.
Draw pictures or do other projects with your child.
Children will talk more especially boys when they are busy with something else like building something, eating, drawing, or putting something away, so do invite your child to talk by using the activities they are doing to start dialoging.
Use gifts, money, candy, fun places to visit, and other things to keep children talking.
When you give children nice things because they are doing such a "good job, playing nicely, being polite" they will be more likely to continue conversing with you.
Be watchful for other opportunities to talk and teach your children. Make yourself approachable. Sometimes simply sitting down and watching a child play or do something else will move him or her to come over and talk to you.
Nicholl McGuire also maintains a parenting blog here.
Thursday
Setting Boundaries with Children Doesn't Make You a Bad Parent
Ever get into a conversation with
someone on how you teach your children or advise a fellow parent on
why he or she shouldn't spoil a child? Almost immediately the person
you are sharing your story with laughs off the child's behavior,
takes the “favored” parent's side and says something like, “Let
kids be kids...oh that's not so bad...its alright that dad gives them
what they want.”
Some parents experience a variety of
feelings when listening to one who most likely indulges his or her
own children and has had a few too many wars with a partner as a
result. It isn't wise to assume that one is being overly protective,
strict, or even crazy when it comes to training a child just because
a parent says, “I don't give my child...I don't let my child...I am
not the kind of parent who would...” Simply allowing one to share
a story, without judgment, is all that is really needed. Put
yourself in the parent's shoes, would you want someone labeling you
because you do or don't do certain things with your children?
Establishing boundaries is very
necessary when parenting children. Consider the many places you and
your children visit where there are guidelines, principles, laws, and
more that must be adhered to. So if a parent doesn't want to give a
child a sugary food item before a meal, frequent fast food
establishments or let a child stay up pass bedtime often, he or she
has good reason. Not every child is the same and must be managed
differently based on one's personality, health, location, etc. But
people who don't know all the facts, don't bother to ask questions,
and avoid looking beyond their own personal experiences, jump to
conclusions.
Children should be taught early on at home
about things like: sharing, respecting others' time, not being
greedy, acting responsibly and other things that will help them have
a quality life in this world while still managing to get along with
others. With proper teaching, children can easily adapt to a world
comprised of many authority figures, workers, and others who aid,
manage and build our society. However, self-indulgent, spoiled
children, who are use to parents sitting at their feet and waiting on
them, will not adjust well at work, home and elsewhere. While others
are getting their own tools, building their own lives, and teaching
others, the spoiled child (turned helpless young adult) will be at a
lost searching for anyone to help him or her—good, bad or otherwise. In
time, he or she will discover that not everyone is nice and couldn't
care less and so back home this person goes for a pat on the head
from mom or dad saying, “It's okay. They don't understand you.
You are a good person. Don't worry, we will help you.” When mom
and dad should really be saying, “I apologize for not teaching you
well. Since you are back at home with us, here is what you need to
learn or re-learn.”
Governing one's home in a way that
keeps foolishness out while teaching children right from wrong is not a
bad thing, so ignore voices that ignorantly say, “Oh, let kids be
kids.” Telling a child “No” shouldn't be a problem and if it
is then a parent needs to ask his or herself, “Why is this an issue
for me?” Then make some changes. But for some parents who grew up
with lack, they don't want to address the errors of their ways. They
also don't fully realize that going from a lifestyle of not having to
too much giving isn't going to make their children necessarily better
people in the long-run. There are many once spoiled children who
grow up to be selfish and the following happens to them as a result: divorced multiple times, in
and out of jail, homeless off and on, abusive, addicted to
substances, unemployed often, and more because they just don't
understand that people aren't going to bend over backwards for them
and that the majority of society dislikes greedy, selfish people.
Friday
Your Child's Eyes Will One Day Awaken to Your Truth
Most mothers recognize many of the
obvious signs that a child is developing in his or her mind, body and
spirit. But what some don't see is that awakening that takes place
over time. The kind of enlightenment that happens with a child when
he or she wants to know more about parents beyond what they say to
them and do. In the following examples, you will notice how a child
reaches a point in his or her life when parents aren't what they
appear to be. A tween discovers daddy is not the man that he or she
was told he was by family members. This tween starts connecting the
dots and sees that lies have been told for years about daddy's
profession—no wonder he was often absent, he had been serving time.
A child gets a strange feeling about mom, the kind that makes her
just stare at her parent for a long time without saying anything. In
time, she notices that mom is troubled—something is wrong with her.
Then there is a teen who sees beyond smiles, laughs, gifts, and
compliments from parents, he begins to see that his parents are
really not that nice. They are mean toward each other and others.
At times, they pop pills, drink and do other things to make them feel
good.
Now when a parent sees that a child is
on to them, so to speak, he or she works frantically trying to cover
up the truth. “Honey, that's not what you think...oh I really do
love you...No, I would never say that about you, you weren't a
mistake. That man is your dad, I know he doesn't look like you...”
says the parent. Meanwhile, the child doesn't believe mom or dad's
attempts at brainwashing his or her mind. The lies, cover ups, and
niceties don't suffocate sad, angry, or bitter feelings—something
isn't right. So the son or daughter just says, “Okay.” But deep
down inside knows differently. Sooner or later what is in darkness
will come to light. A parent who sincerely loves the child more than
keeping a secret will speak truth. He or she won't allow lies to eat
up a child inside. A parent who cares about her son or daughter
doesn't want personal as well as external demons to attack his or her
child into adult years, so the truth must be made manifest. But
those who believe that they are protecting a child while serving his
or her selfish interests will not speak one word of truth. “I
don't want my baby to worry...I prefer not to tell...she isn't
ready,” the parent reasons. However, the child's eyes have awaken
and the questions are being asked, don't keep creating a public
relations campaign, mom and dad—speak truth.
Many parents don't want their children
asking too many questions about them and they definitely don't want
them asking others about them either especially if they aren't
comfortable with how they lived in the past. So mom or dad starts
advising the child not to ask about this or that. For some parents,
they will even go so far as to threaten a child for wanting to know
more about them. “Why do you need to know that? Stop asking so
many questions, or else.” the parent cautions.
Fantasy goes away and reality begins
for many perceptive children. For instance, a son learns that his
often happy mother is really a sad, depressed one on pills that make
her jovial. A daughter finds out her father really wasn't happy
about her arrival and for years grieved about not having a son. She
learns the hard way: why dad was hard on her growing up, why she
acted like a Tomboy, and later became a lesbian. When children
discover that what people say don't align with what they do, they
want to know why? They need to know what is it about that person
that makes them feel scared, angry, nervous, sad, or confused when he
or she comes around. Children can pick up on feelings from parents
of not being wanted. They may not recall certain details when it
comes to bad things that happened to them, but they know that
something wasn't right no matter how much mom reasons that something
was okay or didn't happen.
Many parents work hard to keep secrets
secret. But sooner or later, a child will sense that something is
not right, and for many, they will search and search until dots start
to connect. What's sad is that for some parents even if lies are
killing a child mentally and physically, they will not reveal truth!
They will blame the child when they see their issues show up in the
child. For some parents, they will act as if they don't see the
elephant in the room. How can one expect a mere child to carry the
burdens of adults? If a curse is in a family, don't act as if it's
the child's fault. Those who tell falsehoods, act double-minded,
slander, and do other things to hurt others reap what they sow and
unfortunately sometimes the sins of the parents fall on their
children.
A child turned adult seeks his or her
identity, purpose in life, and looks for reasons as to why they feel
the way they do about mom and dad. Patting a boy or girl on the head
and saying, “Don't worry.” Is not good enough after children
reach a certain age.
From sex to drug addictions, a young
confused man or woman finds his or her temporary peace in these
things, an attempt to run away from those nagging feelings from
childhood. Unanswered questions, verbal and physical abuse, lies
told about what a child sees, hears, and more will drive a poor boy
or girl insane. Don't wonder why some children go off, act weird, or
don't seem to have their heads on straight, it isn't always about a
mental condition with all children, sometimes it is a heart
condition. A deep longing to sincerely know parents and a desire to
be loved honestly and innocently.
A self-absorbed, quiet parent, a
controlling, abusive parent, or one who has a mental issue, can be a
child's worse enemy. Think about how these type of people affected
you when you were raised by them, dated or married them, it wasn't a
good feeling now was it?
So don't think for one minute children
are not paying close attention to you mom or dad, because they are!
They want to know what makes you tick. Why do you say and do the
things that you do? How do you really feel about them? There comes
a point that we all want truth, no more story-telling, game-playing,
cover ups, and “you better not say...” statements. “What is
really going on and why do I feel this way about you, mom and dad?”
says the awakened child.
Nicholl McGuire
Nicholl McGuire
Children Remember Things You Think They Don't
At times, my children will tell me about something that happened awhile ago and before long I am impressed with their knowledge of retaining all that occurred on that day. But there are those times, that I wish they would forget! They have been known to share their feelings about how they disliked parents arguing, the time when they didn't get a certain toy, the "bad" kids in school, and then will question why they haven't heard from grandparents or other relatives. I just get quiet and listen. Sometimes I respond with a "Welcome to the real world..." comment and a "Wait until you are older..." retort.
Children remember things that we, as parents, can only hope they will one day forget while forgetting about things that we wish they would remember! I like to get my own children involved with things to help stimulate their minds to want to remember the good times. Thus far the following actions have been helpful in directing their attention to more positive memories:
1. Dinner conversations work with question and answer sessions.
2. Listing examples of what we should and shouldn't be doing are aided with video and real life situations--sometimes seeing is simply better than preaching.
3. Bringing out family photographs and explaining who, what, when, where, why, and how. This way they don't feel too bad about certain relatives--even though you personally feel insulted about how others might or might not be reacting to your children.
4. Encourage them to draw out their feelings with markers, crayons, and paper.
5. Plan travel from grocery stores to visiting family while ensuring that their are fun things for the children.
I think all of these attempts at replacing bad times with more good times have brought on positive memories. I keep my digital camera and video camera handy to help record these positive times for viewing later. The children are doing well in school and don't seem to hold too much of anything against me ie.) divorce. They realize that parents, teachers, relatives, and friends are flawed and sometimes we just have to give people the pass.
Nicholl McGuire
Children remember things that we, as parents, can only hope they will one day forget while forgetting about things that we wish they would remember! I like to get my own children involved with things to help stimulate their minds to want to remember the good times. Thus far the following actions have been helpful in directing their attention to more positive memories:
1. Dinner conversations work with question and answer sessions.
2. Listing examples of what we should and shouldn't be doing are aided with video and real life situations--sometimes seeing is simply better than preaching.
3. Bringing out family photographs and explaining who, what, when, where, why, and how. This way they don't feel too bad about certain relatives--even though you personally feel insulted about how others might or might not be reacting to your children.
4. Encourage them to draw out their feelings with markers, crayons, and paper.
5. Plan travel from grocery stores to visiting family while ensuring that their are fun things for the children.
I think all of these attempts at replacing bad times with more good times have brought on positive memories. I keep my digital camera and video camera handy to help record these positive times for viewing later. The children are doing well in school and don't seem to hold too much of anything against me ie.) divorce. They realize that parents, teachers, relatives, and friends are flawed and sometimes we just have to give people the pass.
Nicholl McGuire
Tuesday
Friday
New Parenting Mistakes and Why Some Just Won't Deal With Them
She loves letting her children go to bed whenever they want even when her relationship is suffering due to a lack of intimacy. He enjoys letting his children carry their toys/games wherever they go even when others find them annoying and tend to cause problems between siblings.
In their children's eyes, these so-called "good" parents are "nice," "cool", "fun," etc. But indulging children, we, experienced parents, know you are only asking for problems. So what sorts of things do inexperienced, selfish or simply rude parents do that upset us, the children, partners, relatives, friends, and even strangers?
1. Plan nothing. When a child has daily needs, there should always be a plan set in motion. Don't assume that others know what your child wants/needs especially when you are entrusting others to care for your child. When you are home through the week and on weekends, what sort of activity plan do you have for busy children? Go without a plan and you might end up resenting them.
2. Teach nothing. Nowadays so many parents leave it up to the educators, relatives, television, and toys to teach their children. One should ask his or herself, "How much time do I really invest in teaching my child things like: good character, participating in basic chores, reading, writing, math, problem-solving, etc." Time to get a book and start teaching your child if you are often leaving it up to others even on your off time.
3. Buy too little. Some parents just aren't generous and often buy the cheapest thing, value meal or service knowing full well that the child is going to cry or start problems with siblings when the toy breaks, the food runs out, the gaming tokens get used up, or the item doesn't work. Save yourself and others the grief, examine the quality of the product and do your research before you go for the cheapest of anything. (Most likely you are not getting the best deal for your dollars spent anyway!) If you can afford "it", so be it, but if you can't, just leave it where it is.
4. Buy too much. If some are buying too cheap, others are buying too much and too pricey from candy to shoes. Just because little Johnny says, "I want that..." doesn't mean he should have it. Doesn't he have a collection of "whatever" at home already? As a married parent or someone living with others in the home, you should think about how your family feels when you come home yet again with another noisemaker, something strange, or simply not good for a child who already has enough. When household needs come up, some parents don't even bother putting their money in things that truly matter, because "I just wanted my son to have that stuff...I know it cost $500, but..."
5. Fight in front of children. If anyone has ever made you angry when your child was around, you know what you did or didn't do. Children pick up on tension whether some of us started the argument or not . Before you decide to fight around your children again, go elsewhere, cool off and consider cutting the person off who makes you angry enough to yell or hurt him/her.
6. Watch or listen to entertainment displaying bad behavior. So you never fought or attempted to fight someone in front of your children, but most likely some reading this listen to music, watch movies, and even encourage children to watch shows that display immoral behavior. People cursing, fighting, killing, stealing, dancing seductively, talking about sexual things, cheating, or displaying colors or handsigns that belong to those who are connected with witchcraft, satanism and more would all be considered offensive at work, so why do it at home and around your children?
7. Lie or "tell stories". When we don't tell some or all of the facts about something when asked, we are lying. When we exaggerate or act as if we don't know something, we lie. Yet, when children say, "I didn't take that..." and you know they did, instantly we tell them they are not being truthful. Wonder how they learned to lie? It's in the genes and besides someone or something moved them to lie--was it your past deeds catching up to you?
8. Explain too much. How much can your child really handle? How about saying, "Now is not the time." You are not lying and you are not exposing everything about you, your actions or someone else's to a child. Besides, whatever you permit them to know, they will share it with others-- doesn't matter how much you threaten them. The less you do around your children, the less you have to worry about them taking your story to others. Keep dirt private.
9. Explain too little. When things pertain to children, give them just enough information for them to not do something again, avoid problems for self and others, and so on. Too little information when it comes to their world, not yours, will make them seek answers to their questions in unfavorable ways.
10. Idolize their child/children above all else, above everyone else including God. Wherever she goes and whatever she does, "My children come first...I love my children and there isn't nothing I won't do for my children and I will not tolerate my children being accused of...and my children are good and they never..."
Her children are given choices about everything even on things they know very little about. She rarely makes any decisions for them even when she is doing the following: inconviencing others like holding up lines in the store, not paying back people what money she owes because her child needed..., inviting others primarily to children dominated events, expecting others to acknowledge her children's successes, etc.
"What is it, honey...what do you need...really...wow...that's great...yes, huh...what did you say sweetie?" The mother coverses with her children way too much while others wait to talk to her in-person or over the phone, rather than telling Johnny, "I will not be interrupted on the phone, you have a choice either do XYZ... or else." Her world stops for her children and she expects others to be alright with her coddling. "Oh, I'm sorry, well my son needed and my daughter needed and I had to...now what were we talking about?"
If you are a new parent, avoid unnecessary headaches and heartaches for yourself and others by treating children like children and not mini-adults. They should be polite, learn to be quiet, not get their way so often, expect to help others, do well in school, have a consistent bed-time, have healthy meals, a clean and organized environment, and so on. Don't expect the world, your partner, relatives, friends, and even strangers to indulge/spoil, idolize, or not say or do anything to your children when they are in the wrong. Many children are watched by others and they must be on a schedule and disciplined accordingly. Don't be that parent who justifies wrong-doing, rather support those who love, teach, assist, and appreciate your children and let the courts deal with those who don't.
So why do some parents keep making the mistakes described in this blog entry? Simply put, they keep thinking about, "When I was a child..." The more we look at the past, for some of us, the more we stifle our children's future. Your child is not you! I have said this in other places in this blog and elsewhere. Therefore, stop thinking that you are making your child despise you, because you don't let he or she do this or that. Maybe you had a negative reaction to everything your parents ever told you, but your child is different. Consider this, some of you could actually be better parents, if you would stop looking at the past and look forward to the future. Tell your children "no" sometimes, discipline (when needed) in love, don't worry or fear little Johnny or Carol's cries, and stop looking at a partner as the bad guy/bad girl for scolding children. Rather, find common ground between all and work to make a difference in your child's life so that he or she will be a productive, effective, thoughtful, and loving citizen of our society.
In their children's eyes, these so-called "good" parents are "nice," "cool", "fun," etc. But indulging children, we, experienced parents, know you are only asking for problems. So what sorts of things do inexperienced, selfish or simply rude parents do that upset us, the children, partners, relatives, friends, and even strangers?
1. Plan nothing. When a child has daily needs, there should always be a plan set in motion. Don't assume that others know what your child wants/needs especially when you are entrusting others to care for your child. When you are home through the week and on weekends, what sort of activity plan do you have for busy children? Go without a plan and you might end up resenting them.
2. Teach nothing. Nowadays so many parents leave it up to the educators, relatives, television, and toys to teach their children. One should ask his or herself, "How much time do I really invest in teaching my child things like: good character, participating in basic chores, reading, writing, math, problem-solving, etc." Time to get a book and start teaching your child if you are often leaving it up to others even on your off time.
3. Buy too little. Some parents just aren't generous and often buy the cheapest thing, value meal or service knowing full well that the child is going to cry or start problems with siblings when the toy breaks, the food runs out, the gaming tokens get used up, or the item doesn't work. Save yourself and others the grief, examine the quality of the product and do your research before you go for the cheapest of anything. (Most likely you are not getting the best deal for your dollars spent anyway!) If you can afford "it", so be it, but if you can't, just leave it where it is.
4. Buy too much. If some are buying too cheap, others are buying too much and too pricey from candy to shoes. Just because little Johnny says, "I want that..." doesn't mean he should have it. Doesn't he have a collection of "whatever" at home already? As a married parent or someone living with others in the home, you should think about how your family feels when you come home yet again with another noisemaker, something strange, or simply not good for a child who already has enough. When household needs come up, some parents don't even bother putting their money in things that truly matter, because "I just wanted my son to have that stuff...I know it cost $500, but..."
5. Fight in front of children. If anyone has ever made you angry when your child was around, you know what you did or didn't do. Children pick up on tension whether some of us started the argument or not . Before you decide to fight around your children again, go elsewhere, cool off and consider cutting the person off who makes you angry enough to yell or hurt him/her.
6. Watch or listen to entertainment displaying bad behavior. So you never fought or attempted to fight someone in front of your children, but most likely some reading this listen to music, watch movies, and even encourage children to watch shows that display immoral behavior. People cursing, fighting, killing, stealing, dancing seductively, talking about sexual things, cheating, or displaying colors or handsigns that belong to those who are connected with witchcraft, satanism and more would all be considered offensive at work, so why do it at home and around your children?
7. Lie or "tell stories". When we don't tell some or all of the facts about something when asked, we are lying. When we exaggerate or act as if we don't know something, we lie. Yet, when children say, "I didn't take that..." and you know they did, instantly we tell them they are not being truthful. Wonder how they learned to lie? It's in the genes and besides someone or something moved them to lie--was it your past deeds catching up to you?
8. Explain too much. How much can your child really handle? How about saying, "Now is not the time." You are not lying and you are not exposing everything about you, your actions or someone else's to a child. Besides, whatever you permit them to know, they will share it with others-- doesn't matter how much you threaten them. The less you do around your children, the less you have to worry about them taking your story to others. Keep dirt private.
9. Explain too little. When things pertain to children, give them just enough information for them to not do something again, avoid problems for self and others, and so on. Too little information when it comes to their world, not yours, will make them seek answers to their questions in unfavorable ways.
10. Idolize their child/children above all else, above everyone else including God. Wherever she goes and whatever she does, "My children come first...I love my children and there isn't nothing I won't do for my children and I will not tolerate my children being accused of...and my children are good and they never..."
Her children are given choices about everything even on things they know very little about. She rarely makes any decisions for them even when she is doing the following: inconviencing others like holding up lines in the store, not paying back people what money she owes because her child needed..., inviting others primarily to children dominated events, expecting others to acknowledge her children's successes, etc.
"What is it, honey...what do you need...really...wow...that's great...yes, huh...what did you say sweetie?" The mother coverses with her children way too much while others wait to talk to her in-person or over the phone, rather than telling Johnny, "I will not be interrupted on the phone, you have a choice either do XYZ... or else." Her world stops for her children and she expects others to be alright with her coddling. "Oh, I'm sorry, well my son needed and my daughter needed and I had to...now what were we talking about?"
If you are a new parent, avoid unnecessary headaches and heartaches for yourself and others by treating children like children and not mini-adults. They should be polite, learn to be quiet, not get their way so often, expect to help others, do well in school, have a consistent bed-time, have healthy meals, a clean and organized environment, and so on. Don't expect the world, your partner, relatives, friends, and even strangers to indulge/spoil, idolize, or not say or do anything to your children when they are in the wrong. Many children are watched by others and they must be on a schedule and disciplined accordingly. Don't be that parent who justifies wrong-doing, rather support those who love, teach, assist, and appreciate your children and let the courts deal with those who don't.
So why do some parents keep making the mistakes described in this blog entry? Simply put, they keep thinking about, "When I was a child..." The more we look at the past, for some of us, the more we stifle our children's future. Your child is not you! I have said this in other places in this blog and elsewhere. Therefore, stop thinking that you are making your child despise you, because you don't let he or she do this or that. Maybe you had a negative reaction to everything your parents ever told you, but your child is different. Consider this, some of you could actually be better parents, if you would stop looking at the past and look forward to the future. Tell your children "no" sometimes, discipline (when needed) in love, don't worry or fear little Johnny or Carol's cries, and stop looking at a partner as the bad guy/bad girl for scolding children. Rather, find common ground between all and work to make a difference in your child's life so that he or she will be a productive, effective, thoughtful, and loving citizen of our society.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mother's Cry
Monday
Wednesday
How Many Burdens are You Willing to Place Upon Your Shoulders for Your Family?
No matter what you say, some mothers will not listen to
sound advice. The biggest problem for
many moms is that they think they know-it-all when it comes to all things
related to parenting. But upon closer
inspection of many families, you will quickly learn that there are a lot of
mothers, especially if they are busy moms, that can tell you everything about
their jobs, civic groups, child’s school, etc. yet very little about their family’s
personal needs or struggles, they simply don’t know-it-all.
Some moms will quickly take offense when asked the question “why” about their family
situation. They will start hiding truth,
telling lies and snap back with how they know this and that about their intimate
relationship, sons, daughters and challenging situations on the home front. They don’t need anyone to tell them
otherwise. Meanwhile, interview the
family members and they might say something different (that is if they aren’t
fearful of mom or worried about being disloyal).
Being busy is to blame for why a mom is not up on her family
needs (the kind of busyness that was never God ordained, but more like being
covetous and desiring to be all that society demands a mom to be). Some moms are more concerned about getting
one’s own needs met, goals accomplished and appearances kept up; rather than
really sorting out whether her thoughts and deeds are conflicting with her
family. The truth of the matter is there
are those moms who are listing everything they want to do for their children
while the sons and daughters are quietly saying, “That’s what you want mom, but
what about me? Do you hear me? I’m not interested in going to college…I’m
not interested in your associations…I rather not go where you are, work at your
company or even wear what you buy me!”
But is mom listening and stepping back?
God doesn’t put any more on a mother than she can bear. But what do most moms do? Take on tasks that are better suited for her
family while ignoring all sound advice. What
should we do? Let loved ones fail
sometimes. That’s life! Permit your family to make choices without
your input periodically. Create an
atmosphere where everyone isn’t dependent on you. But nope, mom is superwoman! She upsets her stomach and head trying to do
everything for her family who can do for themselves! Then she cries out to God, “Why? Why don’t they listen? Why won’t they meet me half way? Why do they cause me so much grief?” May I just remind you that you brought many
things on yourself including an insatiable need for more money, more money and
more money! Instead of delegating
responsibilities, reducing work hours, asking others to step up to the plate,
and more. Everyone has a responsibility
to manage self and household from picking up toys to running errands but the
question is, “When will you step back?
When will you feel comfortable to let people in your household do some
things on their own?”
Moms are supposed to TRAIN a child, yet some did everything
for their children, who are now adults, hoping that one day they will reap the
rewards of all their sacrifices from their children. But can I say that from my personal
observation of many families, most sons and daughters create families of their
own who become busy and have little time for moms. So if you are waiting for the big payback,
keep waiting, you may never see it in this lifetime.
There is a difference between a parent training, and a
parent doing for his or her family. Why
is it so easy for a career mom to get that point when it comes to the
workforce, but when it comes to her household she is at a loss?
A number of moms are currently so stressed and angered about
their family situations and struggle with the question of “Why did things go
from bad to worse?” Could it be, for
some moms, that all their preaching and bragging about how much she loves her
family and “we never have any problems like those other families…” has now come
back to haunt her? Could it be that she
has become a slave to her family because she took on far too many roles and
gave her Creator just a little lip service in the process? “Help me Lord…sorry don’t have much time for
prayer…can’t remember when I last read your Bible, you know my kids and all…I
mean I know you gave me my family, and when I have time, I will check in--just
answer this prayer for me, thanks.” Meanwhile,
her husband isn’t permitted to live out his role, because she is running
everything, so he just sits back and watches TV, hangs out with friends, etc. She doesn’t need him she thinks, because “I
got this…” The sons and daughters are
not allowed to live out their roles because “Mom will take care of it.” So mom feels like she has to be all things to
all people. Then when she is informed of
all of her unwise decision-making, forgetfulness, and busyness, she wants to
throw a fit? She cuts conversations
short. She yells and curses. She gossips to friends about “the nerve of
some people…” She goes for weeks at a
time ignoring wise counselors. Why? Because she doesn’t want to hear the truth,
because she thinks she knows-it-all.
Think about this mom if this blog entry describes you, the
next time you do your child’s homework, write your child’s essay to get into
college, lie on an application to get some benefits, take on yet another task
for your husband or boyfriend, put yourself in further financial bondage to
help someone, rob yourself of peace of mind because you just have to do yet one
more thing, make negative comments about how others deal with their families,
brag about yourself and family… know that God sees all! Allow Him to make your burdens light and if
you don’t believe in Him or can’t hear from Him, at least, listen to his
messengers before you have no family, no good health, or nothing good to say
about anything simply because you choose not to change the way you think and do
some things differently in your life.
We falsely assume that stress and opposition always has
something to do with the devil or evil, when sometimes these things arise as
warnings to let us know the following: that
the time isn’t right, we aren’t making the best decisions right now, we ought
to save time and money for a future pressing need, or slow down because a
crisis is ahead. If we just pay close
attention to the red flags, we could easily make our burdens light. Take a moment to think about those things
that are causing you some difficulty and start lightening your load.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:30, NIV
Nicholl McGuire, Author of When Mothers Cry, Amazon.com. She also has another parenting blog, besides this one here.
Monday
6 Things that Most Parents Go Through When it Comes to Children...
Sometimes we are battling with so many things at home that we forget the difference between normal and abnormal. I can tell you, from personal experience, some things that are normal parenting stuff.
1. Children will irritate you and there will be those moments where you feel like you are going to lose it. What's normal is yelling, putting Johnny in his room or in a corner is also typical, and even spanking is common in many circles. Some parents will feed "the problem" hoping that Suzie will shut up. Other parents will buy whatever whenever hoping that the child will calm down enough so that they can catch a breath. However, doing any of these things and others all the time--uh oh, you better hope you aren't creating a menace and worse no one calls the police on you!
2. Sickness can't be avoided and some children are sicker than most. But running your child to the hospital often? Not normal. You have to ask yourself, "Am I doing my job? Is the hospital staff doing theirs?"
3. Energetic children is all too common. They jump, bounce, yell, make weird noises, have imaginary friends, and want to do odd stuff like smell stuff and dig for things. Okay, acceptable. But when these things are always happening all too frequently. Someone is out of control. It's either you, your child or both.
4. Children lie. I know parents don't want to believe it, but it happens. They may lie or maybe forget. Children may also say something, but leave out the details. All normal. But when they are doing this sort of thing all the time, you have to ask, "Who or what are they covering?" Then again maybe there is some mental things going on, like a brain that is still developing for starters. Watch closely and don't ever take every word as truth, if so, you will be sorry.
5. Accidents. From drink spills to pee-pee in the bed, this kind of stuff when it comes to raising children happens. But, if everytime you look up this is going on, it's time to remedy this behavior as best you can. Buy a Wet-Alert, this is a device that helps you help them keep the urine out of the bed over time. If your child is constantly spilling something, don't give he or she much to drink and get a spill-free cup. You might also want to consider where you are leaving your own drinks too. Now let's say, accidents aren't this simple and they are the kind that you're ready to rip your child a new one! Once again, responsibility falls on you. The law doesn't want to hear how you repeatedly told your child not to play with lighters, even though you left your lighter sitting on the table, and the whole house burned down!
6. They say and do things that would make you go, "What!?" You aren't really a parent if those moments don't happen sometimes. I know you thought you knew your son or daughter well. I know you thought he or she would never, "Oh no, my child comes from a good home, she would never..." But, they will and it won't be the only time either if you don't make a lasting memory that says, "If you ever do that $%^#& stuff again, I will %^$#& you! Capice?" Remember you were once a child, you may have not done the same thing, but you did something that left your parents scratching their heads.
So I hope this blog post makes you feel at ease. Your child is normal. But, if you see a pattern of behavior starting to develop, that doesn't look like the rest of the children, you have to ask yourself, "What did I bring into this world? Now what help do they have out here to help my child?" Don't look the other way or ignore the problem, do something now before the whole world knows, "Something is definitely wrong with that kid."
Nicholl McGuire
Author When Mothers Cry
1. Children will irritate you and there will be those moments where you feel like you are going to lose it. What's normal is yelling, putting Johnny in his room or in a corner is also typical, and even spanking is common in many circles. Some parents will feed "the problem" hoping that Suzie will shut up. Other parents will buy whatever whenever hoping that the child will calm down enough so that they can catch a breath. However, doing any of these things and others all the time--uh oh, you better hope you aren't creating a menace and worse no one calls the police on you!
2. Sickness can't be avoided and some children are sicker than most. But running your child to the hospital often? Not normal. You have to ask yourself, "Am I doing my job? Is the hospital staff doing theirs?"
3. Energetic children is all too common. They jump, bounce, yell, make weird noises, have imaginary friends, and want to do odd stuff like smell stuff and dig for things. Okay, acceptable. But when these things are always happening all too frequently. Someone is out of control. It's either you, your child or both.
4. Children lie. I know parents don't want to believe it, but it happens. They may lie or maybe forget. Children may also say something, but leave out the details. All normal. But when they are doing this sort of thing all the time, you have to ask, "Who or what are they covering?" Then again maybe there is some mental things going on, like a brain that is still developing for starters. Watch closely and don't ever take every word as truth, if so, you will be sorry.
5. Accidents. From drink spills to pee-pee in the bed, this kind of stuff when it comes to raising children happens. But, if everytime you look up this is going on, it's time to remedy this behavior as best you can. Buy a Wet-Alert, this is a device that helps you help them keep the urine out of the bed over time. If your child is constantly spilling something, don't give he or she much to drink and get a spill-free cup. You might also want to consider where you are leaving your own drinks too. Now let's say, accidents aren't this simple and they are the kind that you're ready to rip your child a new one! Once again, responsibility falls on you. The law doesn't want to hear how you repeatedly told your child not to play with lighters, even though you left your lighter sitting on the table, and the whole house burned down!
6. They say and do things that would make you go, "What!?" You aren't really a parent if those moments don't happen sometimes. I know you thought you knew your son or daughter well. I know you thought he or she would never, "Oh no, my child comes from a good home, she would never..." But, they will and it won't be the only time either if you don't make a lasting memory that says, "If you ever do that $%^#& stuff again, I will %^$#& you! Capice?" Remember you were once a child, you may have not done the same thing, but you did something that left your parents scratching their heads.
So I hope this blog post makes you feel at ease. Your child is normal. But, if you see a pattern of behavior starting to develop, that doesn't look like the rest of the children, you have to ask yourself, "What did I bring into this world? Now what help do they have out here to help my child?" Don't look the other way or ignore the problem, do something now before the whole world knows, "Something is definitely wrong with that kid."
Nicholl McGuire
Author When Mothers Cry
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When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on book by Nicholl McGuire, When Mothers Cry.
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