Why Do Some Parents Continue to Expose Children to Negative People?

Sometimes, as mothers, we have to sit back and think about the people who we allow into our lives. Maybe before the children, it was okay to have every unbelieving, crazy, wild, or ghetto person in our midst, but what about now?

We usually keep people around that make us laugh, tell us "back in the day" stories, or might possibly help us in the future with something. But just like those old clothes in the back of your closet you will never wear, it might be time to do a little house-cleaning, if not for yourself, then for your family.

Some of us have partners that can sniff trouble a mile away, but what do we do, we ignore them especially if they tell us something negative about a relative or old friend. We might argue or tell our partners, "You are so wrong for saying that about..." But what if he is right? Sometimes they are right about the babysitter, the daycare, the grandparents, and other people who we allow in our children's lives on a regular basis. Some of these people have a negative influence that we might choose to ignore. We might even secretly question ourselves, "What is the purpose for having this person around other than watching my child? Isn't there a replacement?" You may be the discerning one that is warning your partner about his side of the family.

I love when mothers will ask their children, after they have done something wrong or embarassing, "Where did you learn that from?" Meanwhile, witnesses are thinking the child will say some child's name from school, but instead, "From your friend mommy...from cousin Joan...from Aunt Mary..." So what does the mom say, "Well, don't say or do that again." Before long, the parent is dropping his or her child back at the guilty relative or best friend's home again sometimes without saying anything about the matter! Then some parents wonder why children have all sorts of bizarre stories to tell involving people or things beyond their years, hmmm.

You might talk to some mothers about this sort of thing, and those that are guilty of having their children around certain negative influences, will become defensive. "It's not like a music video will hurt them, they will see things like that sooner or later! It's not like they haven't heard that word before! I don't care that my friend drinks alcohol or smokes weed just so long as she is not doing it around my child..." Well, unless a parent is with his or her child in that person's home 24/7, mom or dad doesn't know what their relative or friend is exposing their child to especially if this person doesn't have children of his or her own!

Now there is nothing wrong with being an acquaintance with someone who is completely the opposite of you, but this "my dear friend" or "my favorite relative" stuff, just because someone once had an important place in your life growing up is ridiculous when you know the person has been guilty of causing all sorts of havoc around your child or disrespecting your rules!

People change. People grow apart. There are those noticeable differences that show up in their personality when you sit down and talk with them awhile and then there are those differences that they suppress, because they wouldn't ever want you to think they were one way or another.

We assume that our favorites "know me so well" when in fact, a relative or friend might have guessed right that day. Sometimes we allow some of these people to stick around in our lives, knowing that they have repeatedly wronged us, as I said in one article some time ago, pass their expiration date! One day, I awoke to this reality that many of the people that I had kept around for years or re-connected with in recent years, I didn't have much in common and I wouldn't trust my children with them either. It was plain to see when I read some of their tweets, Facebook news feeds, text messages, and emails, just how different we were. "Who were these people and would I allow them into my home, much less, expose them to my children?" I would think.

There's too much nonsense being shoved under our noses as mothers to accept! Just because someone has a title in your family, doesn't make that person a great influence. Some of us reading this had to learn that the hard way! Just because someone has been a great friend the first 10 years of knowing them, doesn't mean they will continue to be a great friend for the next 10 especially if they are watching your children everyday lol!

Unfortunately, some of us never tapped into our mother's intution, because it has been innundated with "what they say;" instead of "what I say." From the half-dressed performer on TV dancing in front of our children any time of the day, to news media reporting changes in schools that are already teaching children to turn parents into authorities for all sorts of things (do your research,) who really has control over your child?

If we aren't too careful who or what is around our children, who knows what they might take back to the school or bring home with them? Now I am not an advocate for a strict household where there is no breathing room for our children, but I am an advocate of wisdom. Let's be smart about who is in control of our children when we aren't. Also, let's find some commonalities in meaningful healthy friendships while saying goodbye to those meaningless associations. As I write, I hear a word of wisdom in my spirit that sounds like this, "If we allow room in our lives for quality people to come in, we will want for nothing." Too many of us mothers aren't getting the best for ourselves or children because we keep settling. "Don't settle for just anything, anymore."

Nicholl McGuire

When Motherhood Ruins Your College Friendships

The joys of motherhood can often be shadowed by the pain of ruined friendships. Sometimes motherhood has a way of ruining college friendships. The following is a look at when motherhood ruins your college friendships, and what you can do about it.

Why it happens: The first thing you have to address is why it happens. The biggest reason that being a mom can ruin a college friendship is because if you are a mom, and your friends are not, your lives are on different tracks. They are in the career world, or out at clubs, etc. and you are up to your elbows in laundry, dirty diapers, and finding the right preschool. Your interests and priorities in life are suddenly very, very different. You no longer relate on the same level because you are not longer on the same level. Instead of being able to talk for hours on end, you usually end up sitting around with nothing to talk about. Basically, if you are a mom and they are not, or if they are a mom, and you are not, life is different.

How to make the results less painful: Many people feel a great void when they lose their college friends because they now have kids. While their kids bring them fulfillment and joy, it is still hard to not have as many friends, or to lose friendships that were once so strong. So, one of the things you can do to lessen the impact of the blow is to make new friends that are moms as well. You are not going to relate as well to those who are not moms, so if you lose one friend to motherhood, make another because of it. This really helps. Another thing you can do is simply fill the void with your child. You can take mom and me classes, teach them things, or spend time focusing on them that you would have spent going out with friends.

Protecting yourself from friendship loss: While the above suggestions work well, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is simply not to let your college friendships fall victim to motherhood. The following are three tips for helping you maintain college friendships, even after you have children:

1. Have kid-free outings with friends. If you get together with your friends, leave your children at home. Pay for a sitter. While your friends may think your kids are cute, and enjoy a moment or two with them, they are not going to want a shopping trip hauling kids around, or a movie where they are dealing with shushing kids up so they do not bother other movie-goers. So, when you do get together, don't take your kids unless they ask you to bring them along.

2. Don't lose your identity to only being "mom". One reason the friendships get ruined is because you have changed a lot. If you want to keep your friendships up, then don't lose your identity. Maintain the things that keep you unique. If you are only "mom" then your friends may not want or need your company.

3. Talk about things besides your kids. When you talk on the phone with your friends, when you are out with them, when you run into them at the supermarket, talk about politics, weather, past memories, the latest fashion, etc. DO NOT spend every second talking about the adorable things you kids did and said. It is not nearly as adorable to them, and can actually be obnoxious.

For more parenting tips, visit http://www.surfnetparents.com.

By Beverly Frank