Walking on Egg Shells When It Comes to Parenting Your Children the Right Way

Some of you reading this probably have some idea where I am going with this blog entry simply by reading the title.  I want moms everywhere to know that I can relate when you are trying to raise your children the right way and it seems every time you take two steps forward, there is someone in your circle who intentionally or absentmindedly puts your children two steps back by doing and/or saying foolish things when it comes to parenting them.

Now you may live with this person or there is a caretaker that makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells whenever you say something about your children to them.  Whether you say something in a polite way, angrily, or quietly, you can pretty much bet that this person is going to defend his or her actions, eye-roll, sigh, get quiet, ignore you, or point out your flaws, because they don't like you telling them what to do.  They don't like you stating what is best for your child, because they didn't come up with the idea, they may have not liked a certain thing when they were a child or whatever the reason maybe.

You say to yourself, "What have I got myself into?  Why did I allow this person to come into my life in the first place?  What was I thinking?"  You pray that God will protect your child from the foolishness of this person in the meantime while hoping for a better way to resolve your issues. 

Some people just don't get it.  You can tell them, "Please don't let the children do..." and they will go ahead and let the children do out of spite.  You think, "Who thinks like that?  What kind of person is this?" 

We all know you can't allow a child to partake in things that are reserved for adults.  I remember getting into a bad argument with someone about letting my children listen to a popular radio shock jock on their way to school.  He really got upset because this was one of a few ridiculous things he was doing.  So like a child he complained, "I always have to give up something!"

Any well-meaningful parent knows you can't raise a child without some kind of schedule.  And you definitely can't allow children to dictate what is best for them on a regular basis.  If this is the case, then we would have children running a muck just about everywhere.  What child wants to go to bed, take a bath, and refrain from eating sweets and desserts all day?  Yet, those parents and care-takers who felt deprived as children grow up to be boy men and girl women who want to give everything they never got to their children.  If only they would step back and see that all they are creating are little monsters, children who will one day expect the world to do what they want and if they don't, they will attempt to shake up society with their screams, yells and threats.  Unfortunately, there are jails around the world full of people with this kind of mindset.  Do fools really know what's best for children?  I think not.  That is why God made wise mothers, but some just don't use their common sense.  When this happens, we must find people, services and tools to help us with our parenting when we, us or they are doing a poor job!  We can't just sit by and be quiet on everything when it comes to parenting our children.  Yes, sometimes you won't want to say anything to that person with the ego handling your children, because you aren't in the mood to fight World War III, but there will be those moments that you ought to get in there, mom and fight the good fight for the best interest of your children!  If you were in court, the judge would make that choice for you, now wouldn't he or she?

We all have walked on egg shells around people who we thought were at first doing the right thing by our children, but then we later learned that they were really not doing all they could do because they lacked some parenting skills.  Some of you have years experience working with children while your partner doesn't.  So it would make sense that the inexperienced would be listening to the experienced, right?  However, that poor ego gets in the way of the fool, doesn't it?  The voice in his or her head says, "Oh she thinks she knows so much because...I won't listen to her.  I will just do things my way.  She thinks she is so right about everything anyway!"  It's unfortunate but that ego has cost many men and women their jobs, families, and more because it refused to reach a compromise.  On the other hand, when we don't consider one's ideas, we can also make our jobs harder than they ought to be. 

If you are one of those moms living in a home where you feel like your words are falling on deaf ears, the key is not to stop talking to this person who makes you feel like you are walking on egg shells; rather keep talking and do provide examples as to why the current way of doing things when it comes to parenting the children just isn't working.  You would then start implementing your own tactics.  Point out the successes. 

Sometimes the only way you can get through to someone is to allow them to fail.

Of course, there is an appropriate time for everything, so when you want to do something different you can always try your own strategies when you are alone with the children.  When you are teaching your children right from wrong, do not be bullied, shamed, or made to feel guilty when someone or a group doesn't like a certain parenting tactic you are using.  If it has been proven by experts and others, you know it has worked in the past, and it doesn't cause any harm or mental problems for the child, then you have to wonder why a partner or caretaker would give you so much flack about it?  Some one's ego must be put in check!  There may be some underlying issues going on with that person. 

As mentioned previously, there are those parents that have felt deprived as children by parents who were too busy, too angry, too upset, too drunk, too whatever to give them a nice life.  Therefore, these people grow up to be men with little boy needs and women with little girl needs--you know boy men and girl women.  They believe if they give children everything they want they will be okay.  But as we know, there are many people who once had everything, have nothing now.  Why?  Because they never learned how to appreciate and manage what they already have.  We are doing our children a disservice giving them everything they want!  If we left it up to children to raise themselves, they would never take a bath, brush their teeth, do their homework, stay up all hours of the night, go wherever, do whatever, and eat unhealthy. 

So to those moms out there who are currently living with someone who doesn't appreciate your efforts, criticizes your parenting skills (whether to your face or behind your back,) do what's right for your children anyway.  Continue to take up time with them.  Keep talking to your sons and daughters about the things that will make them good citizens later in life.  Surround yourself and children around like-minded positive people.  Limit the time they watch TV, play video games, surf the Internet, and do other things by giving them alternative tasks that benefit the whole household.  How can that one you live with or those others who care for your children complain when you are raising your children to be useful not only to yourself but others?

Eventually, that egotistical person or that "I think I know-it-all" caretaker who is helping you parent your children, will have to do one of two things, walk right or walk out!  Their choice.  Meanwhile, you just have a back-up plan. 

Nicholl McGuire

Read more by me at a blog entitled,  Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Marriage Counseling Tips: What to Do When Your Spouse Won't Talk

How to get a spouse's attention so that he or she will communicate with you is an issue that mystifies many couples. Spouses report trying many techniques, such as trying to talk rationally and logically, watching to see when a spouse is in a good mood, and waiting for a time when the television is off. They also share stories of begging, pleading, threatening, and finally, yelling and screaming.

If you are having problems getting your spouse to talk to you and to share feelings and opinions, here are some additional things you can do to facilitate communication. First, you have to grab your spouse's attention, which is what these tips are designed to do.

1.When you're talking to your spouse and start getting overly-emotional, lower your voice instead of raising it. This breaks the pattern of tempers escalating, followed by loud yelling. If your spouse asks what you're doing, just say that you read that lowering your voice was a way to defuse anger. Maybe your partner will decide to try it, too.

2.Write your spouse a letter or e-mail stating your feelings, requests, or questions. Include how not talking about or resolving the issues is affecting you. For example, you might say, "When you call me horrible names, I feel like I've been betrayed. I don't want anything to lessen my love for you, but I know that if this continues, I won't feel the same way toward you. Can we please agree not to call each other names (or can we make an appointment with a marriage counselor, etc.)?"

3.Buy a cute, funny, or clever greeting card and include a note asking if you can schedule a time to talk to him when you both will be uninterrupted. Some spouses have an easier time talking to their partner in a restaurant over dinner, so you could suggest making plans for going out for a meal.

Obviously, you wouldn't want to discuss your most emotional issues in public, but maybe you could use the occasion to handle some relatively routine things. And then agree on a future time to talk about the more sensitive topics.

4.When you give your spouse a card or note asking if you can schedule a time to talk, include his or her favorite candy bar or a package of chewing gum--some small item that shows you pay attention to what your partner likes. With a candy bar, you might attach a note that says, "To my sweet Sweetie--could you please let me know when we can schedule a time to talk? Thanks so much. Enjoy the candy!"

5.Make a written list of your questions and include a "yes" and "no" box next to the question. Also include boxes that say "Undecided" and "Need More Details." Be as specific as you can. For example, you might make a list of possible activities and places to go on a "date night" and ask your partner to respond. In that case, you would put a category of "Other suggestions" at the bottom so your spouse could include additional ideas. Or you could make a list of possible times during the week that the two of you could reserve for private talks. Another idea is to make a list of things you think are important to resolve, and see if your spouse agrees or disagrees.

6.Look for something to "trade" with your spouse, such as offering to take the kids to a movie so your spouse can have friends over or enjoy some private time to relax. In return, negotiate for an uninterrupted time to discuss pertinent relationship issues--maybe a relative can keep the children or they can spend a weekend afternoon with friends. Or you might offer to do a certain chore that your partner detests doing in exchange for some "talk time," which your spouse may equate with being slowly tortured. Make a creative trade-off.

7.Just because you think the tips won't work, don't prematurely discount them. I have worked with numerous clients in marriage counseling who have tried these tips or variations of them, and the results have often been amazing. Spouses who don't normally express feelings verbally sometimes respond in writing, much to the astonishment of their partners. In other cases, spouses who receive letters have initiated conversations about how the letter has opened their eyes to things they didn't realize before.

Use these seven tips to jump-start your thinking about different ways to open communication channels with your spouse. And if one attempt falls flat, try another. That's what all successful researchers do--and they don't hide behind the words, 'It'll never work." Experiment with an open mind and you may be surprised at the results.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available as an e-book at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com ,where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get weekly ideas and support to help you improve your marriage. Nancy can be contacted at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com.

Feeling Loved and Accepted

Sometimes mothers think that the only way they can get married or find someone new is to make the man feel obligated to them by having more children. If you were to step outside of your mind and become the man for a moment looking at you, what he would see is a frazzled woman, cooking, cleaning, hair undone, no makeup, and caring for children, I can almost bet you that’s not what he really had in mind. Instead, he sees the beautiful woman he first met complete with hair done, nails polished, waxed, trimmed, and perfected in the image of whatever he fantasized.

One way we can feel loved and accepted not just by a man but ourselves too, is to model positive, strikingly beautiful women inside and out while maintaining the personality that caused him to fall in love with us. When you feel good about yourself, the world will indeed take notice with comments like, “You look nice today, your hair is pretty, where are you going…can I come?”

Nicholl McGuire
http://tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com

Can We Talk?

Sometimes that's all a mother wants to do is talk. Not the kind of talk like, "Hi baby. Yes mommy knows. I love you too." She may have been talking to her own children all day like this. What a stay-at-home mother may want by hour nine is just a little adult conversation. However, what usually happens is her spouse comes through the door having had his fill of adult conversation and just wants to sit in front of the television. What does she do? How annoyed she must feel?

It hurts when you attempt to reach out to those around you to converse and your conversation is returned with a, "Hmm. Um. Okay. Alright. Hello. Have a nice day." It can be a lonely world for a woman who stays at home with children, a single mother in between jobs, or someone who happens to have children in their care with no other adult support.

Although the world may brag about being family friendly, it really isn't most of the time. A mother toting her small babies around town isn't always welcomed with a smile and a hello. Her children may receive a little smile and a touch from a stranger, but when strangers look at her their smile may fade even if she is attempting to be friendly and make small talk.

Conversation is healing for many mothers who feel alone, but when the world is busily rushing from one event to the next, passing by her in search of the next best thing to buy, they miss an opportunity to receive or be a blessing to her. They miss a bit of wisdom or possibly a great employee because they are just too consumed with what they need and want.

Sometimes we have to just take the time to stroll through our neighborhoods with the intention of talking to someone. Rather than being the one who is speaking when spoken to, maybe we should be the one speaking first. From our partners to strangers on the street, whether we or they need to talk, we should pause for a moment. Who knows what we might discover. "Can we talk?"

Nicholl McGuire
http://nichollmcguire.blogspot.com

Holidays are Coming: What Will You Cry About?

Holidays a time of celebration. Families gather around eat, drink and be merry at least that's what they are supposed to do, but a mother with a cry knows that isn't all that happens.

Instead, she is faced with inlaws who don't like nor respect her. Children who are never satisfied with the presents she has worked so hard to buy. Most of all, a partner who could careless. He doesn't care about the holidays, because he isn't spending much if any money on them. He isn't interested in his partner's feelings about his mother or siblings or what they say or do. He just wants to be left alone with a can or bottle to lull him to sleep after hours of watching the game.

Mothers everywhere are happy intially about the holidays. They fall head over heels in love with their dedication to them until something goes wrong, the money is funny, the inlaws are rude, the husband is mean, and the children are ungrateful. Like an earthquake tremor the cracks begin to show in the foundation of her walls. She is stressed. She can't find something, buy something, and no one understands.

Shall we cry about the madness or do something about it this year -- what would you say if someone told you, "Do nothing!" That's right do nothing. Your past due bills are screaming, "Pay me!" The family, well what about them? When will cooking, cleaning, maintaining household, paying off existing items, and the occassional email or phone call be comsidered a gift?

Any wise mother knows she can't do it all and she won't do it all. She has been in this movie of her life before and she almost lost her life trying to appease, but not again. She will not allow others to stress her. If the inlaws don't like her, she doesn't break bread with them. If her children are spoiled brats, she limits what she gives them or doesn't give them at all. If the ex-partner or current partner doesn't careless, neither does she. As long as their is food over her head and a place to lay her head -- she accepts her life the way it is until her God blesses her. That's right she has a faith. She believes that "All things works together for good to them that love God and to them who are called according to his purpose." -- Romans 8:28.

We mothers know that we make the rules in our house. We know that if we don't get the job done nothing gets done. That's why we have to prioritize. Look around your own home. What is important this holiday season to you. What really matters when your lying on your back, taking your last breath. Will you be thinking about the turkey you haven't cooked, the ham that you missed buying when there was a sale at your local supermarket, or the inlaws you couldn't impress? Go ahead have a meal, but don't lose your cool. Go ahead buy a gift or two, but pay cash. Go ahead sit back on the couch and toast your partner for not caring less! You owe it to yourself to go into this holiday season, smiling and being grateful that you are alive!

Nicholl McGuire
http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Yelling, Spankings, Cursing, & Fighting? What to do About It!

How many times do we have to agree to disagree with our partner about the very simplest of issues? Oh, we tell him that we understand even act like we are okay with what he told us, but are we? You see, he may have noticed you are become increasingly more irritated with him and the children. You probably have spanked them when you would have ordinarily put them in time out. You may have been caught yelling at the dog or cat for no good reason. He may have walked in on you bad mouthing someone on the phone. And yes even for some mothers who would like to consider themselves mature, they have been scolded for acting inappropriately at the workplace, store, a group meeting, and even a church! "She's lucky we are not in highschool because I would...She better be glad I'm in church...He doesn't know who he is messing with..." Get my point?

Anyway, when so many things are coming at you all at once, it's time to put your hands up and take that much needed walk, bathroom break, nap, or long vacation. Let's face it, we are mothers not God and if you have no faith then attempt to believe in something that will help you achieve the peace you need before you explode!

It has been almost four months since I stepped away from my family to recover from my episodes I described in previous blog postings and I can tell you I feel wonderful! The book I am writing looks like it may be completed before September and I have done just about everything I said I wanted to do since visiting with parents on the east coast (the children are on the west coast with dad.)

Whoever told us that as mothers we shouldn't leave our children and stay at home and fight the good fight is probably in a mental ward somewhere. When you have had enough of the obstacles coming at you from the comment postings on your social networking sites to the noisy toys your children (and maybe even your partner) play with, it's time to take a long bubble bath, read a book when the house is quiet, or just simply sit down and do nothing.

You see, when people tell us things similar to what I am saying, right away a mother screams, "I don't have time!" If you can make time to talk on the phone, you can make time to sit down somewhere and just shut out the world including the voice in your head! I use to think the same thing when someone told me to take some "me time" I almost felt offended, "I don't have time. I have four sons, a small business, and I am responsible for the upkeep of our home...blah, blah, blah!" Then one day I noticed that two hours had passed by and I had been on the phone and then another two hours had passed by and I was clicking around on a social networking site connecting with friends from high school. So if we really pay attention to ourselves, we have time and most things we deem important won't be especially if we end up flat on our backs in a hospital somewhere (remember my stories.)

So please take heed to what I am saying when there is cursing, yelling, fighting, and other crazy things going on in your house know that these are signs of something worse to come! If you know that you are responsible for the majority of the drama that is happening in your home then it's time to step back, regroup, take some time for yourself, then orchestrate a new plan to help you help others!

"God bless you with some serenity!"

Written by Nicholl McGuire
http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

He Doesn't Respect You as a Mother

Here you are in a relationship with a man who says that he loves you and he will do what he can to take care of you and the children. However, when you are faced with challenges in raising them, he sits by and critiques you as if you are his employee and he is managing you.

Your partner says things about your parenting that makes your flesh crawl! He wants to know what you are doing, saying, making, and anything else related to the children and you are to report to him with all the details! Now this isn't a typical situation for most mothers, but there are some in relationships like this as I type. They can't seem to do anything right! What's worse is these men actually aren't doing most things right when it come to parenting the children, so to take the attention off of their faults, they zero in on the mother and what she is or is not doing with the children! Now she is observing him and telling him what he needs to do. Maybe he is giving the children candy before bed, allowing them to stay up late at night with no set time to go to sleep, sitting back and doing nothing when the children are fighting, or forgetting to feed or bathe the children and the mother would like to see some differences made. This is when the relationship gets interesting!

Some men don't take too kindly to women telling them what to do whether they are nice about it or stern. For example, she may say, "That's not the correct way to hold the baby." He retorts with, "Well what do you want me to do?" He may sigh or roll his eyes. Another example, she may see that he isn't disciplining the child for disrespecting her and so she chooses to discipline the child herself. Meanwhile, her partner interferes with negative statements about what she has done or coddles the child when he or she should be in time out or spanked.

How can a woman be confident in her role as a mother, when she doesn't have the support from her spouse? Nothing she does is good enough. He complains to his mother, sister, or friends about how "she is always telling me what to do!" He doesn't want her telling him what to do even when she is nice about it, because it bruises his ego, pride, self-worth, etc. Even when he knows he doesn't know what he is doing as a parent, he doesn't want anyone telling him what to do. This type of attitude wrecks havoc on a relationship. Even if she chooses not to tell him anything and advises that he read about certain parenting styles or techniques, he won't. She may only want to help him, help herself, and help the children by seeing a potential problem and coming up with a better way to resolve the issue, but he doesn't want to hear of it.

Mothers cry about issues like these when they sincerely only want to run the house more efficently, build a solid foundation for the children, enhance their relationship, and do other things to make life better for all! But when she has to contend with a stubborn partner who is more concerned about his ego; rather than, the things that matter in the household, she becomes increasingly frustrated. "Why can't he just see the bigger picture?" It doesn't make sense to allow a child to say or do what they want and only one parent is permitted to discipline them. It doesn't feel good to walk around on egg shells wondering if the other parent is going to snap out on you if you say so much as a word to your son or daughter! When a mother not only cooks, cleans, organizes, creates, instructs, reads, and so much more for her children and a man comes along and tries to rearrange everything that she has worked so hard to get established or ignores her experience with children, just because he doesn't want to change his ways, then expect a ticking time bomb waiting to explode!

Mothers, like fathers, want to be appreciated! They want their voices heard in the home as well. Although we live in the 21st century and women have made great strides for equal rights, in some homes women's rights are still not equal to men's! There is still a man coming home and expecting a woman "to be kept". She is to prepare the food, take care of the babies, and if he has any objections to what she is or isn't doing she is expected to cooperate or be left. An example, "I prefer you stay at home with the children rather than work," her partner says. "But I need to get out in the workplace I don't want to be home all day with the children!" the mother cries. It is then that he begins to create a strategy to get what he wants, while the mother gradually breaks down mentally and physically because she isn't getting what she wants!

There are men that have a vision going into a relationship with a woman of what she is expected to look and act like. If his mother treated him a certain way then he is looking for her to act in similar ways with the children. Sometimes a negative relationship from the past, carries over into a man's present and future and the unsuspecting victim doesn't know that she is being treated like the mother he had been raised by. If his dad was disrespectful to his wife and ran the household when it came to the children, then he may do the same.

There is a fine line between being a mother and a wife and some men can't see the difference! Not only that, some women don't help them see the difference, because they are often being one or the other-- a mother or a wife. A mother can wipe the tears from her eyes when it comes to her role being disrespected by reminding him who she is as a wife first and a mother second! She must remember to take the time to communicate her feelings to him when she is feeling like he is disrespecting her role as a mother. Yet, even after telling him repeatedly how she feels and he still insists on doing many things that make her feel like he doesn't need her input or her in his life, then it is time to call it quits! If she sticks around too long in a relationship like this, she may end up feeing very bitter and will resent her roles as mother and wife. And unfortunately, the children will pay the ultimate price because their mother is unhappy.