A Message for MY SONS, Brothers in Christ, Nephews, Cousins...

Mother and Sons - The Relationship Between a Mother and Her Sons and How it Changes

I was one of two girls so never got to witness the relationship a mother has with her young son. I am now a mother of 3 boys (the eldest is my stepson) and am learning how to develop a loving relationship with my boys. By reading books and through experience I am seeing that the boys go through stages and their relationship changes with me at each stage. Here is what I have learnt so far.

Newborn Stage

The very first couple of weeks of their lives I think that the boys did not really mind who was cuddling them/feeding them as long as they were warm and secure. If it wasn't for the fact that I breast feed I think they would have been quiet happy to go to anyone to get their food and be settled. However what I noticed personally was that I had a strong desire to be with them at all times, I was deeply concerned about leaving them with anyone and felt that I had this intuition where I knew what they wanted and could comfort them quickly.

6 months old

The relationship started to change here I feel, actually could have even started earlier like around 3 months. The boys became harder to settle at night and you could see them looking around the room if I had gone anywhere, although they still were quiet happy to be with someone else

1 year old - 4 year old.

Now is where I could really feel the boys starting to need me as their mummy, they cried when I would leave the room or leave them with someone. When they were hurt they cried out for me and when they wanted food or to be changed I heard the cry for Mumma. My eldest is my stepson but this connection/need for a female parent or me was really strong at this age. He gravitated towards me and poor daddy was on the outer for a quiet a few years. My youngest are still in this age bracket; although they love their daddy and do go to him a lot you can tell that they are really still very dependent on the mother.

4 - 8 years old

Here is where I have noticed a huge change with my stepson. No longer does he hang for my attention but it's all about the daddy now. He looks up to him and wants his dad to play with him. My relationship with him as moved slightly now I'm still important to him as a carer and someone to play with but it seems that he is more likely to want to impress his dad.

Teenagers

Well I cannot truly comment on this stage yet as I have all of this to look forward too!!!!! But from what I can gather and from what I have read, and also being a teenager my self I think that at this time the boys really look to their peers or role models for guidance. The mum is still there to look after them - when they want it- but they are busy trying to establish themselves and find their independence. I think this is a hard stage to go through with your children as you have to let them go a bit but at the same time you know they may not make the wisest decisions. I guess the relationship between mother and son s here is more one of mutual acknowledgment that no matter what they love and respect each other.

Adults

Again I'm not there yet but what I hope for is that as adults my sons will still look to me for assistance, friendship, and a safe house somewhere they know they can always go too. I think it will be truly amazing to see your children grown up and see what type of husband/father they make.

So I think that as a mother although sometimes it may feel that you are not the person your son wants to predominately be around, you are always going to be part of their support network. It's a matter of being able to shift with the times and adapt to the age that your son is at.

By Sonya Oyston

mother and sons

bringing up boys