Today my son asked, “is there anyone here, obviously not you, mom, who is
good at math?†Immediately, I took offense because we are in the middle of
a p...
Showing posts with label angry mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angry mother. Show all posts
Thursday
Tuesday
Mothers: Don't Cry, Scream or Fuss in Vain about Children, Relationship, Finances
If you are going to take a stand about topics like: relationship challenges, parenting issues, and financial woes, then you might as well expect not only the one who is listening to you rant to do something, but plan to get dirty yourself! For some of you reading this, you allowed your emotions to get the best of you not that long ago. The tears, fears, screams, fuss, and everything else you did to express your concern occurred and now that you have been there and done that, don't let that moment or many of those emotional episodes go in vain!
Whatever you do or say, someone is recording it such as: in their minds, through a device, or a second set of ears. What is it about a person or some people that moves you to the point that you are ready to take drastic action on an issue? Have you used every resource in an effort to help you solve your dilemma or are you talking yourself out of doing what your heart truly desires? Do you feel like no one is listening whether you talk soft or loudly?
Once you have let the cat out the bag (in this case your once private feelings), so to speak, it's going to be difficult to get him back into the bag. You are going to have to do what is right from the point you realized you steered your life out of control. Apologize to the injured party, if need be. However, still orchestrate the best plan that will bring you the peace you seek about a certain situation, ask for help, and most of all don't be ashamed or beat yourself up about what you did or said to someone or group. Remember those times when you did share how you felt about something when you were less emotional and still the person or group wouldn't listen, so it isn't any surprise that you had to let go. The most important things that came out of your rant is that you are passionate about what you believe and you sincerely want change.
Now that the ball is in other person's court, it is time to use your faith and whatever other tools you have to ensure that you have been heard. Follow up after some time has passed, put some things in writing, make contact with those who can help you solve your problems (but leave out those who can't) and lastly, whatever you do, don't forget about your objective when you ranted in the first place! Guilty parties would love for you to "Forget about it..."
Mothers, never let a fit go in vain use it to your advantage! Don't fear what the outcome might be as a result, welcome it! Because whatever situation you are in, you will learn a valuable life lesson, and once you have fully realized your experience, you will be a better person because of it and better able to help others going through a similar problem!
God bless.
Nicholl McGuire
Whatever you do or say, someone is recording it such as: in their minds, through a device, or a second set of ears. What is it about a person or some people that moves you to the point that you are ready to take drastic action on an issue? Have you used every resource in an effort to help you solve your dilemma or are you talking yourself out of doing what your heart truly desires? Do you feel like no one is listening whether you talk soft or loudly?
Once you have let the cat out the bag (in this case your once private feelings), so to speak, it's going to be difficult to get him back into the bag. You are going to have to do what is right from the point you realized you steered your life out of control. Apologize to the injured party, if need be. However, still orchestrate the best plan that will bring you the peace you seek about a certain situation, ask for help, and most of all don't be ashamed or beat yourself up about what you did or said to someone or group. Remember those times when you did share how you felt about something when you were less emotional and still the person or group wouldn't listen, so it isn't any surprise that you had to let go. The most important things that came out of your rant is that you are passionate about what you believe and you sincerely want change.
Now that the ball is in other person's court, it is time to use your faith and whatever other tools you have to ensure that you have been heard. Follow up after some time has passed, put some things in writing, make contact with those who can help you solve your problems (but leave out those who can't) and lastly, whatever you do, don't forget about your objective when you ranted in the first place! Guilty parties would love for you to "Forget about it..."
Mothers, never let a fit go in vain use it to your advantage! Don't fear what the outcome might be as a result, welcome it! Because whatever situation you are in, you will learn a valuable life lesson, and once you have fully realized your experience, you will be a better person because of it and better able to help others going through a similar problem!
God bless.
Nicholl McGuire
Friday
You Will Always Be Mother
No matter what someone says or does, you gave birth to children that have been stamped with your DNA for all eternity! Sometimes we find ourselves in disputes with loved ones, school staff, and others on the well-being of our children. We may be criticized for what we say and do concerning our children, but no matter the negative comments, threats, accusations, ridicule, etc. your children are yours! You might be the parent away from your children or the one with them on a daily basis, as long as you are tending to their basic needs, showing them love, and they are growing into well-adjusted human beings that are causing more good than harm to others, then who cares what someone thinks?
One of our weaknesses, especially those of us who care a lot for people, is we take on their emotions as well. We internalize what they think, how they feel, and what they say about our parenting. The grandparent tells you something that might have helped her decades ago, but doesn't work for you yet you try anyway only to feel burdened. The spouse comments on the way you are dressing, feeding or tending to your child's needs and you attempt to appease. Passer-byers smile and comment when you happily play with your child, but when you discipline him or her, they frown and feel it is their duty to offer their thoughts. These petty scenarios as well as others you may have experienced recently, if often thought about, can make you lose your cool and resent parenting. No matter what happens, you will always be mother! You have a say so in your child's life whether near or far, sooner or later.
Your son or daughter will hear and see what mom has been trying to do for years--be a good parent. He or she may understand or may not, but at least you know that you did your very best with whatever resources and time you have.
For those of you who have faith, turn your burdens over to your Creator--that includes people who are more critical than loving, more concerned about material goods and less concerned about spiritual matters, and who have far too much time on their hands to watch you parent your child.
You will always be mother and no one can take that title away from you unless you let them!
Nicholl McGuire
One of our weaknesses, especially those of us who care a lot for people, is we take on their emotions as well. We internalize what they think, how they feel, and what they say about our parenting. The grandparent tells you something that might have helped her decades ago, but doesn't work for you yet you try anyway only to feel burdened. The spouse comments on the way you are dressing, feeding or tending to your child's needs and you attempt to appease. Passer-byers smile and comment when you happily play with your child, but when you discipline him or her, they frown and feel it is their duty to offer their thoughts. These petty scenarios as well as others you may have experienced recently, if often thought about, can make you lose your cool and resent parenting. No matter what happens, you will always be mother! You have a say so in your child's life whether near or far, sooner or later.
Your son or daughter will hear and see what mom has been trying to do for years--be a good parent. He or she may understand or may not, but at least you know that you did your very best with whatever resources and time you have.
For those of you who have faith, turn your burdens over to your Creator--that includes people who are more critical than loving, more concerned about material goods and less concerned about spiritual matters, and who have far too much time on their hands to watch you parent your child.
You will always be mother and no one can take that title away from you unless you let them!
Nicholl McGuire
Thursday
Some Mothers Don't Like Other Mothers
As much as we might not want to admit this, but there are one or two individuals in our circles that simply have a problem with mothers. Now the trouble-maker is a mother, someone who is a career mom or home-maker, shuffling children around here and there, cares for her babies, and does other motherly things, but she doesn't like motherhood much, other mothers, or even her own mother. She is just getting by with all other negative emotions! From childhood woes to a bad relationship that left her with nothing more than a child, she is sad, depressed, jealous, and going through whatever other emotion that keeps her from truly connecting with other mothers on a spiritual, emotional or physical level.
Angry that things didn't turn out the way she had hoped in her life, an emotionally, physically and spiritually bond, mom is often disappointed with no real means of escape. In her mind, everyone else is the cause of this issue and that issue, but never her. "If my mother was more like...if my children's father would have...if these mothers would do this..." she thinks.
The bitter mom has more drama than most and usually speaks quite negatively about her family. She lies when she is around other mothers who appear to be much happier and settled in their lives. The mom exaggerates her love for everyone as if someone is going to question her about her personal views, and she covers up her feelings with a plastic smile or fake laugh. She fears being judged, warned, advised, or corrected when it comes to her parenting practices, so if she doesn't have to call, write or come around others she won't.
For some of you reading this, you might be that mother who one day exposes, admonishes or dismisses the troubled woman in your group who keeps tension flying amongst others. You might not intentionally mean to tell this mother the truth about herself or ugly ways, but then again who knows what God might use you to do. Yet, somehow something you say or do is going to ruffle the angry mom's feathers and she is going to come back with some insulting retort, deep sigh, eye-rolls, or outburst. You see, a mother who doesn't really like being a mother or enjoys the company of other mothers, doesn't take too kindly too practical advice no matter how nice you say it.
Many mothers who have little time or patience with others are usually the ones who pop off, not only with those in their own families (like husbands, mother-in-laws, etc.), but with others outside the family network too. She finds faults with most people to cover up her own. "Oh how could she do that...what kind of mother would...?" Meanwhile, she never bothers to look at the evil thoughts she wrestles with from one day to the next or her questionable parenting practices when it comes to raising her children while claiming to be "a Christian, a Believer, a good mom." When challenged on her foolishness, she perfers to argue. "I think it is alright for my son to play games that shoot bad guys...I think it is okay for my daughter to dress like Lady Gaga or Nicki Minaj...I see nothing wrong with saying bad words around my children, they will hear them anyway!" She reasons all is okay. "What about you...don't tell me anything! My children are fine!"
The mother, who doesn't like other mothers, enjoys being around select individuals, who like her, don't enjoy children much, but tolerate them. She hopes to get a few good laughs about others' short-comings. When she is weary of her children, she is all-too-ready to enlist a babysitter or two (even if they are not the best people for her children to be around) and welcomes anyone in her circle who can save her time and money by doing things for her kids.
These selfish moms don't like generous moms, because they sometimes feel they have to help them even when they don't want to. She thinks, "Oh, I wish she wouldn't buy my children anything, because I don't want to feel obligated to her...I don't know why she spends so much time with those kids, I wouldn't--they would get on my nerves."
For some it might be difficult to believe that there are such mothers in this world, but there are, and this is why sometimes you have that one in your group who just can't seem to get along with other mothers. You might have a mom who is often jealous concerning other mothers. She might be the one always at war about what this one and that one said to her.
It is difficult for some moms to sit in the presence of others not having a clue as to how to love, care, nurture, or create an atmosphere that is in the best interest of their children. Pride keeps some from getting the necessary help to come up higher when it comes to relating to other mothers. Love of money and material things are more important than relationships so she doesn't much care about others unless they have what she has or can benefit her in some way.
For the mother who doesn't like others like her, she doesn't want to face this personal truth. She rather sweep it under the rug. But if she has a faith, she might want to consider taking her issues to the Lord and ask him to put more love in her heart for family and fellow mothers and take away jealous and bitter feelings in Jesus name.
Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Angry that things didn't turn out the way she had hoped in her life, an emotionally, physically and spiritually bond, mom is often disappointed with no real means of escape. In her mind, everyone else is the cause of this issue and that issue, but never her. "If my mother was more like...if my children's father would have...if these mothers would do this..." she thinks.
The bitter mom has more drama than most and usually speaks quite negatively about her family. She lies when she is around other mothers who appear to be much happier and settled in their lives. The mom exaggerates her love for everyone as if someone is going to question her about her personal views, and she covers up her feelings with a plastic smile or fake laugh. She fears being judged, warned, advised, or corrected when it comes to her parenting practices, so if she doesn't have to call, write or come around others she won't.
For some of you reading this, you might be that mother who one day exposes, admonishes or dismisses the troubled woman in your group who keeps tension flying amongst others. You might not intentionally mean to tell this mother the truth about herself or ugly ways, but then again who knows what God might use you to do. Yet, somehow something you say or do is going to ruffle the angry mom's feathers and she is going to come back with some insulting retort, deep sigh, eye-rolls, or outburst. You see, a mother who doesn't really like being a mother or enjoys the company of other mothers, doesn't take too kindly too practical advice no matter how nice you say it.
Many mothers who have little time or patience with others are usually the ones who pop off, not only with those in their own families (like husbands, mother-in-laws, etc.), but with others outside the family network too. She finds faults with most people to cover up her own. "Oh how could she do that...what kind of mother would...?" Meanwhile, she never bothers to look at the evil thoughts she wrestles with from one day to the next or her questionable parenting practices when it comes to raising her children while claiming to be "a Christian, a Believer, a good mom." When challenged on her foolishness, she perfers to argue. "I think it is alright for my son to play games that shoot bad guys...I think it is okay for my daughter to dress like Lady Gaga or Nicki Minaj...I see nothing wrong with saying bad words around my children, they will hear them anyway!" She reasons all is okay. "What about you...don't tell me anything! My children are fine!"
The mother, who doesn't like other mothers, enjoys being around select individuals, who like her, don't enjoy children much, but tolerate them. She hopes to get a few good laughs about others' short-comings. When she is weary of her children, she is all-too-ready to enlist a babysitter or two (even if they are not the best people for her children to be around) and welcomes anyone in her circle who can save her time and money by doing things for her kids.
These selfish moms don't like generous moms, because they sometimes feel they have to help them even when they don't want to. She thinks, "Oh, I wish she wouldn't buy my children anything, because I don't want to feel obligated to her...I don't know why she spends so much time with those kids, I wouldn't--they would get on my nerves."
For some it might be difficult to believe that there are such mothers in this world, but there are, and this is why sometimes you have that one in your group who just can't seem to get along with other mothers. You might have a mom who is often jealous concerning other mothers. She might be the one always at war about what this one and that one said to her.
It is difficult for some moms to sit in the presence of others not having a clue as to how to love, care, nurture, or create an atmosphere that is in the best interest of their children. Pride keeps some from getting the necessary help to come up higher when it comes to relating to other mothers. Love of money and material things are more important than relationships so she doesn't much care about others unless they have what she has or can benefit her in some way.
For the mother who doesn't like others like her, she doesn't want to face this personal truth. She rather sweep it under the rug. But if she has a faith, she might want to consider taking her issues to the Lord and ask him to put more love in her heart for family and fellow mothers and take away jealous and bitter feelings in Jesus name.
Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Sunday
Single, Divorced Ladies,Troubled Spouses, & Aspiring Wives: This One is for You - YouTube
Sometimes our issues are not about the children, but they are spiritual and are connected to our personal relationships. Listen to this audio for further insight.
Single, Divorced Ladies,Troubled Spouses, & Aspiring Wives: This One is for You - YouTube
Single, Divorced Ladies,Troubled Spouses, & Aspiring Wives: This One is for You - YouTube
Saturday
Check Yourself, Before You Wreck Yourself!
Back when I was a teen, there was a rapper I heard say, "Check yourself, before you wreck yourself." The comment was a warning to those who were into drug use. But these days, I thought about this comment when it comes to that chatter in our heads. You know those negative thoughts that come and go throughout the day?
From a minor irritation to a major dispute with someone, inside our minds there is something going on that isn't always so positive. We may replay an issue, talk about what we should have, could have said, or we make a mental note to share our concern with others (being certain to include why we were right and the other person was wrong.)
Sometimes it doesn't have to be a negative situation that stimulates negative thinking in our minds. We could actually just be in some other world, so to speak, due to hormonal issues or influences around us that trigger certain emotions ie.) watching TV, listening to music or surfing the Internet.
Whatever our thought processes for the day might conjure up, we may want to check them, before we end up doing or saying something that might hurt someone we care about.
I came across an interesting blog by a stay-at-home mother of two who posted a thought-provoking entry about that chatter in our heads and offers her own personal experience.
Read more here.
From a minor irritation to a major dispute with someone, inside our minds there is something going on that isn't always so positive. We may replay an issue, talk about what we should have, could have said, or we make a mental note to share our concern with others (being certain to include why we were right and the other person was wrong.)
Sometimes it doesn't have to be a negative situation that stimulates negative thinking in our minds. We could actually just be in some other world, so to speak, due to hormonal issues or influences around us that trigger certain emotions ie.) watching TV, listening to music or surfing the Internet.
Whatever our thought processes for the day might conjure up, we may want to check them, before we end up doing or saying something that might hurt someone we care about.
I came across an interesting blog by a stay-at-home mother of two who posted a thought-provoking entry about that chatter in our heads and offers her own personal experience.
Read more here.
Tuesday
My Melt Down - A Mother's Reflection of Anger
A Mother's reflections of wild emotions experienced after her child's death...
What now? My beloved child is dead, yet the world still goes on. No one seems to understand. Everyone wants me to be O.K. "Be happy again!" They want me back to normal, but I don't believe it is entirely out of concern for my welfare. No one knows how to deal with a grieving parent. Everyone is on edge and believes that if they mention my son's name, it will upset me even more. Or, worse it will upset them. Other parents come with their own set of paranoia and fears; they think, "What if something happens to my child?" Friends and family want the "old me" back, some say they can't be at ease around me any longer. Some have gone out of their way to avoid me, to the point of turning their shopping cart the opposite direction in the grocery store aisle... just so they wouldn't to have to speak to me! Still, the few friends who do call say, "We don't like to see you like this. You have to get over it. Go on. You're not fun anymore!" The worst comment I have received was from an older woman at church who said, "I'm so sorry Dear. I know how you feel, my beloved Barney died last year!" (Barney is a DOG! Her Yorkshire Terrier! A damn dog!!!) Don't misunderstand, I love animals. I am a pet lover/ owner and PETA member! Although, I don't understand how could someone compare the loss of a dog to a child? I love my dog too, but I didn't give birth to her. A dog is a wonderful companion. My child however, is part of me, forever connected to my soul. As a Mother; I nourished his body with my own for nine months, he grew under my HEART! It is not the same!
The list of insensitive comments goes on and on! It is better just to turn the phone off. I stopped returning phone calls, emails, or even answering the door! PJ day turned into PJ (pajamas) weekend and I found myself in an internal battle whether to shower or go back to bed. I silently screamed, "I just want to be left alone!" Yet, the next moment I yearn for someone to be here to listen and understand. Wishing for someone who would not criticize or judge, just allow me to grieve naturally! (Whatever, that happens to be at the moment!) I have days where all I do is think of my departed child, I search through the photos and drag out more boxes of precious memories. Then I have other days where, "I don't want to see anyone or anything that reminds me! Not necessary of him, just that he's gone!" My emotions fluctuate like the changing winds. One moment I am calm and serene, in a state of denial. The next moment, "I am so mad, No matter what, I feel so desperately alone! I want to die, too. I can't breathe! I could KILL somebody!"
Unless, you are a grieving parent you cannot possibly understand the range of sensations swirling so intensely inside. So wild are these contrasting emotions that it feels as if I was a violent volcano just waiting to erupt! Who do you complain to? Who do you scream to, "It not fair. It's too soon. I want my baby, back!" Society dictates that we remain calm, even reserved. Yet, when a child dies, there should be some amendment, some forum or some way to SCREAM out... "I'm as MAD as HELL and I won't stand for this! It's not FAIR!" But, alas... Grieving parents usually end up suppressing their feelings or lashing out indiscriminately.
Which brings me to my personal outburst. I decided to share this story, because my grief counselor, Joe asked me if he could share my story with other grieving parents he works with. He felt it was a perfect demonstration of spontaneous rage which while is not a good thing; it is according to Dr. Joe, "Perfectly normal!"
Here's my disclaimer: To hear Dr. Joe tell it, you would have thought I hogtied and pulverized a poor defenseless geriatric. (LOL). Here's Dr. Joe's version according to his clinical notes he shared with me.
Received call from client (Dawn), who was hysterically crying and sobbing, while driving. Client had a fight at a gas station. She scared a poor old woman half to death, who was "not getting done fast enough." I could hear the frustration and terror in her voice! Provided emotional support by having Dawn pull over and practice breathing techniques to calm herself. Advised Dawn to go straight home and contact me later if necessary. - Grief Specialist
I certainly don't like the way my grief counselor retells my story. That doesn't show me in the best light, but it is his impression. I still tell him, "It was an argument, not a fight! To explain further, this 'fight' took place only a few weeks after my son, Jimmy died of an Epileptic Seizure while away at college. I was still vacillating between denial and rage. Most days I barely existed. It was in the "Stop... the World; I want to get off stage!" I was barely functioning... I slept on and off all day long, but lay awake throughout the entire night with debilitating heart-stopping grief!
Although, I selfishly wanted to join my son in death, I had other responsibilities. Some I could ignore like taking a leave of absence from work; suspended my college classes (taking a semester off) and allowed my perfectly clean home to be a lot less clean and perfect. Although, as a Mother of four, I could not suspend Motherhood. While I kept tabs on my two grown sons, trying to reach out and offer comfort, I could not ignore the needs of my daughter. Katelyn (age 13 years old) needed her Mommy more than ever. After all, she too was suffering from the death of her big brother. My concern for my daughter, turned into obsession. At thirteen, she really is a very capable young lady. Yet, through my distorted haze of grief I became overly concern about her welfare. I was so full of anxiety that my shoulder muscles tensed, my heart race and I began perspiring profusely. Yuck, I was a dirty sweaty mess. I usually pride myself in my appearance, this in itself was upsetting to me, as a woman I tend to be a bit vain.
Back to the gas station, argument... Not Fight! It was one of those days when I didn't shower, eat or function. I honestly don't remember what I did that day until I looked at the clock. "Damn it!" I was late picking Katie up from school. She had forgotten her cell phone at home and the school's phone line rang busy. I had no way to reach her and tell her I was running late. Dread rang throughout my body. All sort of scenarios ran through my mind. What if she starts walking? What if she goes home with Zoey? Is she stressing about this? Under normal circumstances, Katie is more than competent, but in my bizarre confusion... I imagined her crying and upset... feeling lost and abandoned!
On the way to the school I realized I didn't even have enough gas fumes to make it down the road. I had to stop at the first gas station. Once, there I found lines 3 and 4 cars deep for every pump. "Oh, No... Katie! She needs me! I can't reach her!" I tried calling the school again, but I think they purposely take the phones off during dismissal. Anyway, I was working myself up to a full blown panic attack. My heart continue to race, I could barely breath, my hands were sweaty and most. I kept thinking, "My child needs me and I'm not there!"
I literally prayed for a pump to be available. Finally the old woman directly in front of my car finished pumping her gas, put the pump handle back and screwed her gas cap back into place. "Thank God!" I said to myself and I readied myself to pull up to the pump. I couldn't believe what happened next. With a gas station over run with motorist, she left her car to walk across the median to chat with another old woman. They casually laughed and talked while the second woman began to pump her gas.
This is what happened next:
1) I honked.
2) I was ignored.
3) I honked again.
4) The two ladies looked and laughed at me.
5) I honked again.
6) I was ignored, AGAIN!
7) I rolled down my window and said, "Please... I am in a hurry."
8) The 1st old lady reluctantly returned to her car.
9) I waited.
10) The old lady looked in her rear view mirror at me and laughed some more.
11) I honked.
12) She laughed, AGAIN.
13) I got out of the car. I knocked on her window and begged, "Please, I am very late getting my
daughter from school!"
14) I returned to my car to ready myself to pull up to the pump again.
15) She started putting on make-up.
16) I gasped in frustration and disbelief!
17) Another, pump opened up and I maneuvered over to it.
18) I ran into the gas station to 'prepay' for my gas.
19) The old woman was still sitting in her car, laughing at me... Not moving.
20) I took my car keys and threw them past her windshield. At least that's what I told the police.
21) Actually, they hit the top of her car and bounced off.
22) I saw her writing down my tag number.
23) I finished pumping my gas and left to get my daughter.
24) I began crying hysterically.
25) I couldn't believe how cruel the world was.
By the time I arrived at my daughter's school, I was a mess. Twenty-five minutes had passed and she was busy talking and laughing with friends. She didn't even seem to notice how late I was. Katie was fine. I however was inconsolable and frantic. I called Dr. Joe, and he tried to calm and console me. His priority was to get me off the road. I pulled into a park and Joe just let me 'Cry it out.' He made me promise never to drive when I felt this much anxiety, he said have a "Stay at home day!"
In the end, I created this crazed situation because of my irrational paranoia due to overwhelming grief. It just hit me all of a sudden. I made a bad situation worse. Within an hour of leaving the gas station, I received a phone call from the local police department. They were very alarmed because the old woman called and claimed that I beat on her window and tried to get into her car to harm her! I explained that, I was very emotional because of my son's death, but I assured them I made no attempt to enter her car or harm her in anyway. I even suggested they retrieve the gas station video, which would clearly show I never touch her door handle. I was informed that they had already been to my apartment, (while I was crying hysterically at the park). They told me that my apartment manager confirmed the death of my son and that they would not be pursuing this further. Whew!
In retrospect, even though anyone would have been upset by the encounter with this old woman, I allowed the situation to push me over the edge. Unfortunately, due to my grief and desperate state of mind, I was unreasonably concerned for my daughter's welfare and I took the rude old woman's actions, personally!
Can be reached at: dawnmariesaul@yahoo.com
Wednesday
Get Angry at God - He Can Take it
At first I hesitated about putting the following article on this site due to the headline, but you know it's so true! Although we don't like to admit it sometimes, but alot of our anger shouldn't be directed at partners and children, but we should take our angry emotions to God. He understands. Please read the following of one woman's experience being angry at God.
In seeking a life guided by God, I have experienced the most profound understanding of God's love for me after venting raw emotions. Take for example last summer going into the fall.
I had to have some surgery done on an out-patient basis. Everything went well and I was feeling good by the fifth day until I received a phone call. It was my eighty-eight year old mother telling me that she had fallen and had broken her wrist. I wasn't supposed to drive and fortunately, my husband, Robert, was at a rare meeting in town as opposed to being sixty miles away on a typical work day. We picked her up and took her to the emergency room. More good news was that she had broken the left wrist and she is right handed. That would be the end of the good news.
Four weeks later I received a call that my brother had collapsed on the running trail and needed to have open-heart surgery. One week after that announcement, my mother called telling me that she fell and had broken the other wrist. (No wonder I hate answering the telephone at home!)
My mother is fortunate to be healthy and live on her own. But with two broken wrists, arrangements needed to be made to put her in a care facility until she could use her arms again. So, for weeks I shuffled back and forth, doing laundry, visiting her, sometimes taking her meals, and making sure she was getting the care she needed. During this time I was also trying to launch a business.
Thank goodness I had my constant companion of ten years, Duffy the Golden Retriever. After coming home from running all of the day's errands, I would be physically and mentally exhausted. Duffy would always burst through the door to greet me with tail wagging and full of adoring love and affection. He had gotten me through the most difficult times of my life and this was ranked up there as one of the worst.
My brother came through the surgery with flying colors. After repeated visits to the nursing home, I was more confident that Mom was being taken care of and she was doing as well as could be expected. Things were starting to look up - that is until Halloween.
From a weather standpoint, It was one of the most beautiful days ever. But at 11PM that night, Duffy got sick and wanted to go outside. He tried to throw up and couldn't. When he came in, he had doubled in size. I called the animal hospital emergency room and they told me to get him in right away - that his stomach had turned. Robert and I raced the five minutes to the hospital. I wasn't crying, I was wailing. We got Duffy comfortable and were given the options. We decided to do everything to save him which would mean surgery.
I was fortunate to see him. Duffy wasn't suffering anymore and he recognized me. I got to say good-bye. I knew in my heart that he wasn't going to pull through. The doctor said they would call us in a few hours.
At this time it was well past midnight. We drove home and I chose to wait out the time on the patio looking up at the stars. I was SO angry with God. I know that I pleaded for God to save him, but I knew given Duffy's age that it was probably hopeless. As the hours ticked on, I knew that too much time was going by without a phone call. I yelled. I screamed. I shouted. How could he take Duffy away from me now after all that I had been through? Why of all times now? I don't ever remember being so angry at God.
It was 4:00AM by the time the doctors called. They discovered that Duffy had cancer of the liver when they did the surgery. He was not responding well. We had to make the decision to put him to sleep.
After my anger with God, the next day I realized that God is a God of mercy. The situation and the alternatives became clear to me. Duffy had cancer. He had been slowing down on our walks and was starting to look old and thin. I could tell that something was wrong. With being ten years old, he was already within the standard 9-12 Golden life cycle. If he had lived, he would have suffered as the cancer would continue to take its toll. I would have never been able to watch him suffer.
That Halloween, Duffy had the perfect day. He spent the day doing what he loved the most - being with his family, walking and meeting people. When it's our time, we should all have such a perfect day.
I believe that God knows what is best for us. I also believe that God wants us to be real with him. That night on the patio, I was very real. These verses illustrate this well taken from Revelation 3:15 & 16:
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
Perhaps you are angry at God for something that has happened in your life. It's okay to be angry with God, he can take it.
Find out the The Secret to Successful Prayer by visiting http://www.guidedchristianmeditation.com and signing up for my FREE weekly Ezine, The Guided Life. You will receive a copy of The Secret to Successful Prayer along with cut #1 from my meditation CD, "Be Still and Know that I am God" - Feel free to use this article with the following credit - Author: Jackie Trottmann http://www.guidedchristianmeditation.com - Transform your life through prayer, meditation and contemplative writing.
In seeking a life guided by God, I have experienced the most profound understanding of God's love for me after venting raw emotions. Take for example last summer going into the fall.
I had to have some surgery done on an out-patient basis. Everything went well and I was feeling good by the fifth day until I received a phone call. It was my eighty-eight year old mother telling me that she had fallen and had broken her wrist. I wasn't supposed to drive and fortunately, my husband, Robert, was at a rare meeting in town as opposed to being sixty miles away on a typical work day. We picked her up and took her to the emergency room. More good news was that she had broken the left wrist and she is right handed. That would be the end of the good news.
Four weeks later I received a call that my brother had collapsed on the running trail and needed to have open-heart surgery. One week after that announcement, my mother called telling me that she fell and had broken the other wrist. (No wonder I hate answering the telephone at home!)
My mother is fortunate to be healthy and live on her own. But with two broken wrists, arrangements needed to be made to put her in a care facility until she could use her arms again. So, for weeks I shuffled back and forth, doing laundry, visiting her, sometimes taking her meals, and making sure she was getting the care she needed. During this time I was also trying to launch a business.
Thank goodness I had my constant companion of ten years, Duffy the Golden Retriever. After coming home from running all of the day's errands, I would be physically and mentally exhausted. Duffy would always burst through the door to greet me with tail wagging and full of adoring love and affection. He had gotten me through the most difficult times of my life and this was ranked up there as one of the worst.
My brother came through the surgery with flying colors. After repeated visits to the nursing home, I was more confident that Mom was being taken care of and she was doing as well as could be expected. Things were starting to look up - that is until Halloween.
From a weather standpoint, It was one of the most beautiful days ever. But at 11PM that night, Duffy got sick and wanted to go outside. He tried to throw up and couldn't. When he came in, he had doubled in size. I called the animal hospital emergency room and they told me to get him in right away - that his stomach had turned. Robert and I raced the five minutes to the hospital. I wasn't crying, I was wailing. We got Duffy comfortable and were given the options. We decided to do everything to save him which would mean surgery.
I was fortunate to see him. Duffy wasn't suffering anymore and he recognized me. I got to say good-bye. I knew in my heart that he wasn't going to pull through. The doctor said they would call us in a few hours.
At this time it was well past midnight. We drove home and I chose to wait out the time on the patio looking up at the stars. I was SO angry with God. I know that I pleaded for God to save him, but I knew given Duffy's age that it was probably hopeless. As the hours ticked on, I knew that too much time was going by without a phone call. I yelled. I screamed. I shouted. How could he take Duffy away from me now after all that I had been through? Why of all times now? I don't ever remember being so angry at God.
It was 4:00AM by the time the doctors called. They discovered that Duffy had cancer of the liver when they did the surgery. He was not responding well. We had to make the decision to put him to sleep.
After my anger with God, the next day I realized that God is a God of mercy. The situation and the alternatives became clear to me. Duffy had cancer. He had been slowing down on our walks and was starting to look old and thin. I could tell that something was wrong. With being ten years old, he was already within the standard 9-12 Golden life cycle. If he had lived, he would have suffered as the cancer would continue to take its toll. I would have never been able to watch him suffer.
That Halloween, Duffy had the perfect day. He spent the day doing what he loved the most - being with his family, walking and meeting people. When it's our time, we should all have such a perfect day.
I believe that God knows what is best for us. I also believe that God wants us to be real with him. That night on the patio, I was very real. These verses illustrate this well taken from Revelation 3:15 & 16:
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
Perhaps you are angry at God for something that has happened in your life. It's okay to be angry with God, he can take it.
Find out the The Secret to Successful Prayer by visiting http://www.guidedchristianmeditation.com and signing up for my FREE weekly Ezine, The Guided Life. You will receive a copy of The Secret to Successful Prayer along with cut #1 from my meditation CD, "Be Still and Know that I am God" - Feel free to use this article with the following credit - Author: Jackie Trottmann http://www.guidedchristianmeditation.com - Transform your life through prayer, meditation and contemplative writing.
Friday
How To Be A Bad Mother
As I sit here and reflect on the past two days and really the past two months, I am flooded with memories of the past and present. All of these thoughts run through my head and I feel so angry and resentful. Let me say I have been mad in the past few years but in complete honesty I haven’t been quite this angry and at this point I don’t know how to begin the healing process. I am back down that road of self- awareness and concern. See this is the thing, I become angry about my raw deal and the way I have been treated but then it doesn’t end there, this is what people don’t get about me. I get angry at those who hurt me but then I also turn around and become more angry with myself for not knowing better. I refuse to listen to that inner voice that usually carries me through every hardship in life, I push it to the side and then I think there is no way you can have all this anger and a relationship with God. That will usually get me through every thing I have to go through but this time I feel it penetrating to my soul.
I am angry at everyone. That brings me to memories of my mom. I sit here and rehash so many things from the past and then I think of my relationship with my mom. I am angry with my mom, can I say that again? I am angry with her. I am angry because I feel I have no relationship with her, and to be quite frank this was the start of this anger. I do know that. Now friends that are reading this, I know I should’ve come to you and told you these things but it was something I had to go through on my own this time, but I am willing to share with you now and a lot of you know the story behind this, though you weren’t aware of the extent of my feelings at this time.
My mom was a good mom growing up before my dad left. I mean we had some issues with boyfriends, hers, and other minor things back then and I held a grudge then and let it go later on. I think right now my problem isn’t with her in the past, my problem with her now is the present. Sometimes I feel very alone, this is one of those times, but yet in the back of my mind I know I am not because I have special, very special friends who help me through every thing and I mean everything, and they remind me every single day how much they care. My family is great but you have probably noticed I talk very little of them and talk a great deal about my friends.
Yes, I am angry with my mom. Why is the question. I am angry because my mom is not my mom. I mean she is more of a friend than a mother and always has been that, and I resent any motherly advice or comments. I feel if you wasn’t what I needed back then do not bother now. So she is my friend. I sit and write these articles because this is my therapy, if I didn’t write to get it out I would be a very miserable person, you thought I was going to say crazy didn’t you! See “So Now I Am Crazy & Psychotic”, great little article! Back to my mom.
You know my mom is now married has been for awhile, I mentioned it before. Her husband hates my brother and I., always has, he is one of those men who can not accept another man’s kids, but him and my mom fit perfectly because she can’t accept another woman’s, just ask my step sisters, they could tell you. My mom always chose men over her kids and that, to this day, is the most important thing to her.
Let me tell you why I am so angry. I am not aloud to visit my mom. No one in my family is especially my brother and I. My brother and my mom have virtually no relationship. I am not aloud to call on the weekends. I am not aloud to call in the evenings when he is home. When I am talking to her on the phone and he walks in, she has to go. This is her choice. He treats her like crap she takes it for whatever reason, money etc? He never says a word to my face and doesn’t acknowledge my existence other than to complain about me, and he has made comments about my kid which really sets me off. My mom has been there for me financially but emotionally no. I feel and expect her to take care of certain things because that is all she ever did, which now brings me to my next subject.
I am a bad mother. My biggest and greatest fear is that Dakota will one day walk up to me and say, I never really had much of a relationship with you, You did all these things to me and you were a horrible mom”. I think about this a lot. One thing I prided myself on was being a semi decent mom but now I am doubting that. I have been so angry lately and I know I have taken it out on him. I have yelled at him, I’ve lost my patience with him. I have even questioned him in regards to his dad, with him getting angry at me and walking away. I feel horrible about that but then I take a look back and see all the mistakes I have made along the way.
I can tell you I am not the best mother in the world. I have argued in front of my son, I have been in physical confrontations in front of my son. I have called people names in front of him. I have watched shows on TV that were more than likely inappropriate for a kid to watch. I have told him I was going to send him to his dad’s to live before. I have said, quit being a baby. I have cussed in front of him. I have told him to shut up. Losing patience is the big one and yelling. I have talked about personal things on the phone in front of him. I could go on and on. I am a bad mother, but the worst thing I ever did was leaving him one time with his dad, to go to Arizona with no clue as to when I would return. I did come back a few days later but when I left I didn’t know how long I would be gone. I also have had to leave him with his dad when I had to move and had no where to go.
His life with me has been unstable to say the least. I am a bad mother. I have put my child second many times. I get angry with people and he gets the bad end of the deal when it comes to that. I am a bad mother. I have to say my ex husband has been Dakota’s consistent and constant. I guess he does have a reason to be angry with me. Dakota definitely does and I know in the future we will be having this conversation and I don’t know or have the tools to try to change it now. I have told him I am sorry for things after the fact. I have said that I am not a very good mom, and I have no excuses. I have none.
Dakota is such a blessing. He is the one I would live and die for, but you wouldn’t know it by my actions. He is a gift and I realized that long ago when he was born. He is a good kid but I have no idea why, it must have been his dad’s doing because I don’t think it was mine. This is not me feeling sorry for myself, this is me feeling sorry for him and others around me. I always think back at all my relationships and the significance of those and what I contributed good and bad. I always get to a point where I can let go. I always blame myself in part when they fail. I end up feeling like it is me, and maybe it is.
I can be closed off and even a loner other than my friends. I think I get that way with Dakota sometimes. I think I look at him and see this person that I love more than anything and anyone and think, as much as I love him, he will grow up one day and he will look at me the way others do, and I know I am not going to be good enough. He will turn his back on me and then I will have lost everything. I will be alone then. I know I do that and the kid is 7 yrs old, but I am already thinking he is one day going to leave me when he can. This pisses me off!
I do not have a right to treat my kid in any way but how a child should be treated with love, most importantly, he needs to be cared for, to know his parents and family love and support him that they will always be there backing him and leading him, always there to pick him up when he falls, and to always just be. I guess maybe I am selfish.
I apologize Dakota and I promise you son from this day forward I am going to do better, me doing my best which I thought was good enough just isn’t. I want the very best life for you I imaginable and it starting with your childhood.
I am so sorry for all the things I have done or haven’t done. I am sorry you had to go through any pain at all in your life but especially for the pain I have caused and if you come to me one day and tell me of the things I did that hurt, I will do all that is possible to take a step forward with you and to keep on treading that path. I will also do my best from here on out to fix what I have done and to not do what I shouldn’t.
You don’t know how important you are to me and if you do know it is ten times more so then that. I need you in my life. I always wanted you and I always will love you. You are a gift, a blessing, you are the world to me. I am so proud of you. I am so happy to have you in my life and you make my life worthwhile. My time spent with you is the best times ever. You make me laugh.
My life involving you has made me a better person and hopefully one day it will make me a better mother. I did my best but now I want more than that for you. I am so sorry. I do love you more than my own life and that love will never fade, never change, and you will never ever have to be second to anyone when it comes to me. You will never be an outsider and no one, not one person, would ever take your place in my heart. I love you more than words!
Vaughn Pascal
I am angry at everyone. That brings me to memories of my mom. I sit here and rehash so many things from the past and then I think of my relationship with my mom. I am angry with my mom, can I say that again? I am angry with her. I am angry because I feel I have no relationship with her, and to be quite frank this was the start of this anger. I do know that. Now friends that are reading this, I know I should’ve come to you and told you these things but it was something I had to go through on my own this time, but I am willing to share with you now and a lot of you know the story behind this, though you weren’t aware of the extent of my feelings at this time.
My mom was a good mom growing up before my dad left. I mean we had some issues with boyfriends, hers, and other minor things back then and I held a grudge then and let it go later on. I think right now my problem isn’t with her in the past, my problem with her now is the present. Sometimes I feel very alone, this is one of those times, but yet in the back of my mind I know I am not because I have special, very special friends who help me through every thing and I mean everything, and they remind me every single day how much they care. My family is great but you have probably noticed I talk very little of them and talk a great deal about my friends.
Yes, I am angry with my mom. Why is the question. I am angry because my mom is not my mom. I mean she is more of a friend than a mother and always has been that, and I resent any motherly advice or comments. I feel if you wasn’t what I needed back then do not bother now. So she is my friend. I sit and write these articles because this is my therapy, if I didn’t write to get it out I would be a very miserable person, you thought I was going to say crazy didn’t you! See “So Now I Am Crazy & Psychotic”, great little article! Back to my mom.
You know my mom is now married has been for awhile, I mentioned it before. Her husband hates my brother and I., always has, he is one of those men who can not accept another man’s kids, but him and my mom fit perfectly because she can’t accept another woman’s, just ask my step sisters, they could tell you. My mom always chose men over her kids and that, to this day, is the most important thing to her.
Let me tell you why I am so angry. I am not aloud to visit my mom. No one in my family is especially my brother and I. My brother and my mom have virtually no relationship. I am not aloud to call on the weekends. I am not aloud to call in the evenings when he is home. When I am talking to her on the phone and he walks in, she has to go. This is her choice. He treats her like crap she takes it for whatever reason, money etc? He never says a word to my face and doesn’t acknowledge my existence other than to complain about me, and he has made comments about my kid which really sets me off. My mom has been there for me financially but emotionally no. I feel and expect her to take care of certain things because that is all she ever did, which now brings me to my next subject.
I am a bad mother. My biggest and greatest fear is that Dakota will one day walk up to me and say, I never really had much of a relationship with you, You did all these things to me and you were a horrible mom”. I think about this a lot. One thing I prided myself on was being a semi decent mom but now I am doubting that. I have been so angry lately and I know I have taken it out on him. I have yelled at him, I’ve lost my patience with him. I have even questioned him in regards to his dad, with him getting angry at me and walking away. I feel horrible about that but then I take a look back and see all the mistakes I have made along the way.
I can tell you I am not the best mother in the world. I have argued in front of my son, I have been in physical confrontations in front of my son. I have called people names in front of him. I have watched shows on TV that were more than likely inappropriate for a kid to watch. I have told him I was going to send him to his dad’s to live before. I have said, quit being a baby. I have cussed in front of him. I have told him to shut up. Losing patience is the big one and yelling. I have talked about personal things on the phone in front of him. I could go on and on. I am a bad mother, but the worst thing I ever did was leaving him one time with his dad, to go to Arizona with no clue as to when I would return. I did come back a few days later but when I left I didn’t know how long I would be gone. I also have had to leave him with his dad when I had to move and had no where to go.
His life with me has been unstable to say the least. I am a bad mother. I have put my child second many times. I get angry with people and he gets the bad end of the deal when it comes to that. I am a bad mother. I have to say my ex husband has been Dakota’s consistent and constant. I guess he does have a reason to be angry with me. Dakota definitely does and I know in the future we will be having this conversation and I don’t know or have the tools to try to change it now. I have told him I am sorry for things after the fact. I have said that I am not a very good mom, and I have no excuses. I have none.
Dakota is such a blessing. He is the one I would live and die for, but you wouldn’t know it by my actions. He is a gift and I realized that long ago when he was born. He is a good kid but I have no idea why, it must have been his dad’s doing because I don’t think it was mine. This is not me feeling sorry for myself, this is me feeling sorry for him and others around me. I always think back at all my relationships and the significance of those and what I contributed good and bad. I always get to a point where I can let go. I always blame myself in part when they fail. I end up feeling like it is me, and maybe it is.
I can be closed off and even a loner other than my friends. I think I get that way with Dakota sometimes. I think I look at him and see this person that I love more than anything and anyone and think, as much as I love him, he will grow up one day and he will look at me the way others do, and I know I am not going to be good enough. He will turn his back on me and then I will have lost everything. I will be alone then. I know I do that and the kid is 7 yrs old, but I am already thinking he is one day going to leave me when he can. This pisses me off!
I do not have a right to treat my kid in any way but how a child should be treated with love, most importantly, he needs to be cared for, to know his parents and family love and support him that they will always be there backing him and leading him, always there to pick him up when he falls, and to always just be. I guess maybe I am selfish.
I apologize Dakota and I promise you son from this day forward I am going to do better, me doing my best which I thought was good enough just isn’t. I want the very best life for you I imaginable and it starting with your childhood.
I am so sorry for all the things I have done or haven’t done. I am sorry you had to go through any pain at all in your life but especially for the pain I have caused and if you come to me one day and tell me of the things I did that hurt, I will do all that is possible to take a step forward with you and to keep on treading that path. I will also do my best from here on out to fix what I have done and to not do what I shouldn’t.
You don’t know how important you are to me and if you do know it is ten times more so then that. I need you in my life. I always wanted you and I always will love you. You are a gift, a blessing, you are the world to me. I am so proud of you. I am so happy to have you in my life and you make my life worthwhile. My time spent with you is the best times ever. You make me laugh.
My life involving you has made me a better person and hopefully one day it will make me a better mother. I did my best but now I want more than that for you. I am so sorry. I do love you more than my own life and that love will never fade, never change, and you will never ever have to be second to anyone when it comes to me. You will never be an outsider and no one, not one person, would ever take your place in my heart. I love you more than words!
Vaughn Pascal
Tuesday
Racism: An Ongoing Cry
I have been called the n word repeatedly over the years because I was supposed to sit quietly and not voice my opinion in the classroom, in the newspaper and now on the Internet. There are people who don't like you because you don't look like them. It doesn't matter how successful, pretty, handsome, who you know, in their eyes, you will always be whatever their parents told them to call you.
What makes me shed angry tears, you know the kind that if anyone is near they might get caught with one of your blows or something might go flying, is that my four sons will one day be called the n word too. Born into an evil, weird, scary, and violent world, my innocent children don't know what is ahead -- God they just don't know!
Now I talked to God, I asked him years ago, in fact I pleaded with him to make something happen so that I wouldn't have children, that's a dangerous request isn't it? But a neighbor of mine told me that is what she did and she has no regrets. I talk more about this in my book When Mothers Cry on Amazon.com.
Racism whether bold or covert is an evil designed to belittle, abuse and eventually twist the mind of the hearer so that all they see in the mirror is just what someone calls them.
As a mother and an African American, the journey is long and at times difficult: to win friends, to talk about your woes, to listen to others without wondering if they have a hidden agenda, and on and on.
You may come from a race that is looked down upon as well. Allow the anger that you feel for every time someone gives you that look, writes something insulting, or whispers negatively behind your back that you are everything that they are not, a strong woman who isn't afraid to stand by her beliefs, protective of her children until death, and will not hesitate to fight in court!
Nicholl McGuire
http://spiritualpoemsbynicholl.blogspot.com
What makes me shed angry tears, you know the kind that if anyone is near they might get caught with one of your blows or something might go flying, is that my four sons will one day be called the n word too. Born into an evil, weird, scary, and violent world, my innocent children don't know what is ahead -- God they just don't know!
Now I talked to God, I asked him years ago, in fact I pleaded with him to make something happen so that I wouldn't have children, that's a dangerous request isn't it? But a neighbor of mine told me that is what she did and she has no regrets. I talk more about this in my book When Mothers Cry on Amazon.com.
Racism whether bold or covert is an evil designed to belittle, abuse and eventually twist the mind of the hearer so that all they see in the mirror is just what someone calls them.
As a mother and an African American, the journey is long and at times difficult: to win friends, to talk about your woes, to listen to others without wondering if they have a hidden agenda, and on and on.
You may come from a race that is looked down upon as well. Allow the anger that you feel for every time someone gives you that look, writes something insulting, or whispers negatively behind your back that you are everything that they are not, a strong woman who isn't afraid to stand by her beliefs, protective of her children until death, and will not hesitate to fight in court!
Nicholl McGuire
http://spiritualpoemsbynicholl.blogspot.com
Friday
The Bad Mother
For reporters, the bad mother is a staple of feature story writing. I've interviewed some bad mothers in my time: there was the one who prostituted herself in front of her children; one who pimped her own twelve year-old daughter; the one who beat her son so badly that the sheet rock was marked with the impressions from his head hitting the wall. Bad mothers, the iconic story goes, either destroy their children – or create criminals. There was one young criminal I remember well – a gang member who had taken part in drive-bys and had himself been on the receiving end of a bullet or two. Here’s how he described his childhood: “My Mom - every night - Uncle Mike, Uncle Bill, Uncle Bob – I mean, I love her, but fuck her too.” And then he told me how he had shot a neighborhood kid who once made fun of him for being the son of a whore.
He was twenty years younger than I, and packed a sawed off shotgun in his jeans, while I carried only a pen. But I identified with him immediately. I recognized that mixture of anger and love. I understood how he might have felt so compelled to defend an indefensible mother. Because I have spent no small amount of time defending my own indefensible mother.
In my late forties, married; and commuting between Boston and New York as I began a teaching job at Columbia University. I once asked Mom could I stay with her for a week or so. She was wary; her husband, an actor, was just learning his lines for a new Broadway show. I promised I would stay out of the way, stay in the back room. Even so, after eight days she suddenly appeared at my bedroom door, her face a mask of determination. "How much longer are you going to be here?" she wanted to know. I was in the way. It was too hard for her to live with another grown woman in the same house. She said my presence was "disruptive" to the rhythm of their lives.
I went to class, then came home and packed my bags. As I was going out the door, Mom hugged and kissed me, apologizing for not being able to let me stay longer. She had to put her husband first.
That's the way it was, the way it had always been, with my Mom. She hadn’t raised any of her three children – we’d all been farmed out to foster homes, visiting when it was convenient for her. I learned to live under the conditions of her love. Ours was a complicated relationship not just because she was an erratic parent, but because she was white and I, her youngest offspring, was the daughter of a black man, an entertainer named Stump Cross who’d been popular during the forties. I wouldn't meet my dad till I was nearly thirty, and, then, when I made a film about the whole experience, Mom and I made the rounds of the talk shows. I always identified myself as African American, but one caller accused me of being so happy to have a white woman’s love that I would endure anything. Something about that barb struck home. For a long time afterward, I wondered whether I was indeed longed to be accepted by whites so badly that I would put up with anything. Maybe that explained why I was so often the only black person in my workplaces, why I befriended those with whom I disagreed vehemently even while I stuffed feelings of anger and worthlessness that led to depression and drinking binges.
But I don’t think it was because Mom was white that I put up with all this.
It was because she was my Mom.
June Cross makes documentary films and teaches broadcast journalism at Columbia University. June authored her first book, a memoir, "Secret Daughter," after releasing the Emmy Award Wining Documentary of the same title. For more information on the book, and June's story, please visit: Secret Daughter.com
He was twenty years younger than I, and packed a sawed off shotgun in his jeans, while I carried only a pen. But I identified with him immediately. I recognized that mixture of anger and love. I understood how he might have felt so compelled to defend an indefensible mother. Because I have spent no small amount of time defending my own indefensible mother.
In my late forties, married; and commuting between Boston and New York as I began a teaching job at Columbia University. I once asked Mom could I stay with her for a week or so. She was wary; her husband, an actor, was just learning his lines for a new Broadway show. I promised I would stay out of the way, stay in the back room. Even so, after eight days she suddenly appeared at my bedroom door, her face a mask of determination. "How much longer are you going to be here?" she wanted to know. I was in the way. It was too hard for her to live with another grown woman in the same house. She said my presence was "disruptive" to the rhythm of their lives.
I went to class, then came home and packed my bags. As I was going out the door, Mom hugged and kissed me, apologizing for not being able to let me stay longer. She had to put her husband first.
That's the way it was, the way it had always been, with my Mom. She hadn’t raised any of her three children – we’d all been farmed out to foster homes, visiting when it was convenient for her. I learned to live under the conditions of her love. Ours was a complicated relationship not just because she was an erratic parent, but because she was white and I, her youngest offspring, was the daughter of a black man, an entertainer named Stump Cross who’d been popular during the forties. I wouldn't meet my dad till I was nearly thirty, and, then, when I made a film about the whole experience, Mom and I made the rounds of the talk shows. I always identified myself as African American, but one caller accused me of being so happy to have a white woman’s love that I would endure anything. Something about that barb struck home. For a long time afterward, I wondered whether I was indeed longed to be accepted by whites so badly that I would put up with anything. Maybe that explained why I was so often the only black person in my workplaces, why I befriended those with whom I disagreed vehemently even while I stuffed feelings of anger and worthlessness that led to depression and drinking binges.
But I don’t think it was because Mom was white that I put up with all this.
It was because she was my Mom.
June Cross makes documentary films and teaches broadcast journalism at Columbia University. June authored her first book, a memoir, "Secret Daughter," after releasing the Emmy Award Wining Documentary of the same title. For more information on the book, and June's story, please visit: Secret Daughter.com
Monday
New Book Release: When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire
It's been a long journey recalling experiences that brought me to tears as well as others. But it has also been rewarding writing the book entitled, When Mothers Cry. You will find many thought-provoking experiences, opinions, and societal views of motherhood and how we are preconditioned to become a mother whether we wanted to or not. Then once the children arrive we find out that there are struggles we face raising children, being married, relating to in-laws, and other issues that leave us crying!
When Mothers Cry is a book for those women who are looking for someone or something that relates to them when they aren't always the happy, smiling, fulfilled mother who greets her children with cookies and kisses her husband on the cheek. She may not always pray, find time with her children or anyone else's, and she may wish secretly she was anything but a mother. Whatever her issue is within, the bottomline, she just wants someone she can feel free to talk to without being judged, admonished, or belittled for feeling the way that she does. She may not feel this way tomorrow, next week, or for years, but for now she is unhappy and she is seeking a bit of information to uplift her and help her be content with her role as mother. When Mothers Cry, the book, won't you buy it today for you or someone you know who is seeking a change of heart? To order click the following link: When Mothers Cry
Nicholl McGuire
Author, Poet & Freelance Writer
Friday
Jealous Parents, Relatives & Friends
You have been around the world, seen more things then most people could ever imagine, speak three languages maybe more, and received numerous accolades for school, college and work performance. People call you blessed; others say you’re talented, while some just look at you and smile. Yet, you see something behind some of those smiles. You notice their demeanor seems to be sad. They walk away from you with nothing to say. You may expect this kind of behavior from your friends, but your mother, father or sibling? How does one cope with a jealous relative who still wallows in past successes and has nothing recent to show for his or her work?
One. Don’t brag or rub your accomplishments in their face.
This point is obvious but some overachievers are tempted to tell everyone about their accomplishments, to the point that they are overwhelming listeners. However, jealous people who don’t respond well to others doing things they always wanted to do or are not disciplined enough to follow their own dreams will respond with, “I always wanted to do that…you are always doing something good…you think you are better than the rest of us!” Notice they don’t bother to compliment you.
Two. Avoid talking with them too long about your plans.
Some accomplished people will spend a lot of time outlining what project they are working on, who they will be working with (in other words name dropping) and why they are doing it even when no one has asked them for that much information. A jealous person will take everything he or she has just learned and either help the successful relative or friend for a season just to learn more about the project or start one similar. They may also hurt your efforts by bad-mouthing you to others.
Three. Ask them for input only if you think they are qualified enough to contribute.
When you know someone is jealous of you, be cautious. You don’t want their opinion, money, or skill if they have bad feelings about you. It is best to find someone who is more secure in their own achievements to help.
Four. Listen to what other relatives tell them about you.
There will be relatives that will tell you something about the jealous individual that they don’t want getting around, so they will ask that “you not say anything.” If what they are saying can be proved without naming them, then consider their warning and don’t get the jealous person involved with your business endeavors.
Five. Don’t force them into a conversation they know nothing about.
You never want to use words they are unfamiliar with, share information they have never learned, or do something that is foreign or strange and ask them for assistance. A jealous person may also feel small, if they don't like what you are saying or talk in a tone that bothers them. No one wants to feel like they are being talked down to or made to look like a fool. Both of which you will be accused of if you let this jealous person in your life.
Six. Change your thinking when you feel tempted to show them up.
Jealous people will usually let their emotions take center age for the entire world to see. They will make a big deal out of small matters. What you may feel tempted to do is use your knowledge to give them a good whipping. Whatever you do don’t do it, because if everyone else hears about what you did, you may cause problems for yourself and others may judge you as “arrogant, conceited, a know-it-all, and/or rude!”
Seven. When they are disrespectful, keep any and all future news about your successes to yourself.
A jealous person can easily say things to offend you because they know enough about your interests to use them against you. Once they have disrespected you with one of their insults, learn from the confrontation to never share anything else and ask others to direct the jealous person to you if he or she has any future questions, concerns, or suggestions.
Eight. If you are in a creative field, don’t let them listen, read, watch, or assist with your work before it's released to the public.
You don’t want a jealous person’s input on what you do, because you will find yourself rearranging and possibly throwing away your hard work. Secretly that’s what a jealous person wants is for you to not accomplish anything. They may even disrupt you a lot while your working hoping that you are frustrated and will give your project up!
Nine. Don’t gossip about them to other family members.
As much as you would like to expose this envious man or woman don’t, especially if he or she is a relative. Exposing jealous family members has a way of backfiring on you and then others may turn your observation around and accuse you of being jealous of them. Don’t even allow others to get you to talk about your enemy.
Ten. If you have a faith, pray for your enemy.
You can use your faith to secretly fight against them. Since jealousy is nothing more than a spirit that inhabits the body due to allowing bad feelings to manifest. You can combat this snake by cutting its head off! In other words, when the jealous person is around don’t feed into his or her comments, be too busy for conversation, don’t invite them to your events, and never share your ideas with them.
Jealous parents and relatives may not do all they can to help their children for fear of what they may become which is better than them. A mother may sabotage a relative's plans to invest in your future by bad mouthing you. A father may avoid helping you by not doing anything to invest in a dream that he once had and now you have. A relative may stop talking to you and start talking to your siblings because she is jealous of the success and exposure you are getting that she could never get due to her attitude. These people who claim they love you are usually jealous because you are doing things in your life that they know they should have been doing long ago, so they push you harder than they need to.
Some researchers say that usually a child will only go as far as the parents will go in education. So if your parent dropped out of high school or college the probability of you doing the same increases. There are many children who defy the odds and do far better than their parents. Children learn by example which is often preached by early childhood experts. Parents who never seek the help they need to become better people than their parents will only pass on their failures to their own children.
Written by Nicholl McGuire
http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire
One. Don’t brag or rub your accomplishments in their face.
This point is obvious but some overachievers are tempted to tell everyone about their accomplishments, to the point that they are overwhelming listeners. However, jealous people who don’t respond well to others doing things they always wanted to do or are not disciplined enough to follow their own dreams will respond with, “I always wanted to do that…you are always doing something good…you think you are better than the rest of us!” Notice they don’t bother to compliment you.
Two. Avoid talking with them too long about your plans.
Some accomplished people will spend a lot of time outlining what project they are working on, who they will be working with (in other words name dropping) and why they are doing it even when no one has asked them for that much information. A jealous person will take everything he or she has just learned and either help the successful relative or friend for a season just to learn more about the project or start one similar. They may also hurt your efforts by bad-mouthing you to others.
Three. Ask them for input only if you think they are qualified enough to contribute.
When you know someone is jealous of you, be cautious. You don’t want their opinion, money, or skill if they have bad feelings about you. It is best to find someone who is more secure in their own achievements to help.
Four. Listen to what other relatives tell them about you.
There will be relatives that will tell you something about the jealous individual that they don’t want getting around, so they will ask that “you not say anything.” If what they are saying can be proved without naming them, then consider their warning and don’t get the jealous person involved with your business endeavors.
Five. Don’t force them into a conversation they know nothing about.
You never want to use words they are unfamiliar with, share information they have never learned, or do something that is foreign or strange and ask them for assistance. A jealous person may also feel small, if they don't like what you are saying or talk in a tone that bothers them. No one wants to feel like they are being talked down to or made to look like a fool. Both of which you will be accused of if you let this jealous person in your life.
Six. Change your thinking when you feel tempted to show them up.
Jealous people will usually let their emotions take center age for the entire world to see. They will make a big deal out of small matters. What you may feel tempted to do is use your knowledge to give them a good whipping. Whatever you do don’t do it, because if everyone else hears about what you did, you may cause problems for yourself and others may judge you as “arrogant, conceited, a know-it-all, and/or rude!”
Seven. When they are disrespectful, keep any and all future news about your successes to yourself.
A jealous person can easily say things to offend you because they know enough about your interests to use them against you. Once they have disrespected you with one of their insults, learn from the confrontation to never share anything else and ask others to direct the jealous person to you if he or she has any future questions, concerns, or suggestions.
Eight. If you are in a creative field, don’t let them listen, read, watch, or assist with your work before it's released to the public.
You don’t want a jealous person’s input on what you do, because you will find yourself rearranging and possibly throwing away your hard work. Secretly that’s what a jealous person wants is for you to not accomplish anything. They may even disrupt you a lot while your working hoping that you are frustrated and will give your project up!
Nine. Don’t gossip about them to other family members.
As much as you would like to expose this envious man or woman don’t, especially if he or she is a relative. Exposing jealous family members has a way of backfiring on you and then others may turn your observation around and accuse you of being jealous of them. Don’t even allow others to get you to talk about your enemy.
Ten. If you have a faith, pray for your enemy.
You can use your faith to secretly fight against them. Since jealousy is nothing more than a spirit that inhabits the body due to allowing bad feelings to manifest. You can combat this snake by cutting its head off! In other words, when the jealous person is around don’t feed into his or her comments, be too busy for conversation, don’t invite them to your events, and never share your ideas with them.
Jealous parents and relatives may not do all they can to help their children for fear of what they may become which is better than them. A mother may sabotage a relative's plans to invest in your future by bad mouthing you. A father may avoid helping you by not doing anything to invest in a dream that he once had and now you have. A relative may stop talking to you and start talking to your siblings because she is jealous of the success and exposure you are getting that she could never get due to her attitude. These people who claim they love you are usually jealous because you are doing things in your life that they know they should have been doing long ago, so they push you harder than they need to.
Some researchers say that usually a child will only go as far as the parents will go in education. So if your parent dropped out of high school or college the probability of you doing the same increases. There are many children who defy the odds and do far better than their parents. Children learn by example which is often preached by early childhood experts. Parents who never seek the help they need to become better people than their parents will only pass on their failures to their own children.
Written by Nicholl McGuire
http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire
Monday
Distraction: The Worst Enemy of All
Whether you are trying to fix something that has broken, make a fabulous meal, help your partner out with a task, study for a very important test, or watch a great movie scene, what usually happens while you are doing any of these things? You guessed it, your child or your adult son or daughter comes over with a request.
It seemed that every time I needed to focus on a phone call or write down something important, the crying starts, the tapping followed with "Momma...", the arguing, or the volume that was low from the television or radio is now louder than I can think! "Help..." One day I stormed into the rooms where the noises were coming from, two boys in one room and another two in the next. "Be quiet...if I have to tell you to stop all this noise one more time..." I guess from the look on my face they knew we weren't going to sit down and talk about why we need to respect each other's quiet time.
I think by far this is the worst thing I hate about parenting, heck about life! Distractions! They never come when you could careless. They are always there when you need to meet a deadline and when you need to get something done that you have put off for so long! I personally think my parents are paying me back since I have been on this sabbatical away from the children. The music is loud, the nosiest yard tools come on right when I have a sudden revelation, the knocking at the door while I'm typing..."I get it mom, you can quit with your distractions. Alright, dad I know you are paying me back for all the times I didn't let you sleep...but does the surround sound have to be on while you are watching the news?"
I am learning daily that come hell or high water, I will not be moved. Whoever or whatever feels like they can stop my mission in life to bury negativity and uproot positivity will most likely have to kill me first and sometimes I think that is what he, she, or it's intentions are, but by the grace of God and in Jesus Name I will prevail as the Christian and believers in my circle say and so I believe!
Nicholl McGuire
http://spiritualpoemsbynicholl.blogspot.com
It seemed that every time I needed to focus on a phone call or write down something important, the crying starts, the tapping followed with "Momma...", the arguing, or the volume that was low from the television or radio is now louder than I can think! "Help..." One day I stormed into the rooms where the noises were coming from, two boys in one room and another two in the next. "Be quiet...if I have to tell you to stop all this noise one more time..." I guess from the look on my face they knew we weren't going to sit down and talk about why we need to respect each other's quiet time.
I think by far this is the worst thing I hate about parenting, heck about life! Distractions! They never come when you could careless. They are always there when you need to meet a deadline and when you need to get something done that you have put off for so long! I personally think my parents are paying me back since I have been on this sabbatical away from the children. The music is loud, the nosiest yard tools come on right when I have a sudden revelation, the knocking at the door while I'm typing..."I get it mom, you can quit with your distractions. Alright, dad I know you are paying me back for all the times I didn't let you sleep...but does the surround sound have to be on while you are watching the news?"
I am learning daily that come hell or high water, I will not be moved. Whoever or whatever feels like they can stop my mission in life to bury negativity and uproot positivity will most likely have to kill me first and sometimes I think that is what he, she, or it's intentions are, but by the grace of God and in Jesus Name I will prevail as the Christian and believers in my circle say and so I believe!
Nicholl McGuire
http://spiritualpoemsbynicholl.blogspot.com
Sunday
Depressed? Wondering if you can still be a good mom?
Mothers have their good and bad days just like anyone else. However, what if you are a mom who secretly feels like you will never get better or you just can''t seem to do right by your husband, family, co-workers, and others -- what then? Do you call everyone you know about your problems? Load up on medications? Turn into a religious freak? Although all of these statements are a bit extreme, there are women who do just that! They go above and beyond seeking help for themselves to the point that all the help drives them mad! If this is you, stop! Take a pause for a moment and deliver yourself from people, places, and things that are beginning to make you feel crazy with all their tips.
Sometimes all mothers need is what I like to tell my children they need from time-to-time a "do nothing" time. That's right, do nothing! Give yourself permission to do nothing! Whenever the opportunity arises to say goodbye to the children, your partner, and opt out of duties -- do it! As you and I know free time doesn't come often, so take advantage of it while you can! You may need to pre-announce your "do nothing" time to those who may be affected by your inaction. What you say and how you say it I will leave all up to you! But whatever you do, do nothing!
I hope this helps some of you mothers who are having a stretch of "bad luck" as some will say in your life. It's okay to feel bad once in awhile just remember that it's your choice when you want to feel good again and how long you stay that way rests on your shoulders and no one else! We are responsible for our own happiness! We must make up in our minds how long we are going to feel frustrated, depressed, bitter, angry, and whatever else concerning our motherhood issues.
I think in 2010 the sad face on this site will be a happy one at least for a half a year! LOL...
Sometimes all mothers need is what I like to tell my children they need from time-to-time a "do nothing" time. That's right, do nothing! Give yourself permission to do nothing! Whenever the opportunity arises to say goodbye to the children, your partner, and opt out of duties -- do it! As you and I know free time doesn't come often, so take advantage of it while you can! You may need to pre-announce your "do nothing" time to those who may be affected by your inaction. What you say and how you say it I will leave all up to you! But whatever you do, do nothing!
I hope this helps some of you mothers who are having a stretch of "bad luck" as some will say in your life. It's okay to feel bad once in awhile just remember that it's your choice when you want to feel good again and how long you stay that way rests on your shoulders and no one else! We are responsible for our own happiness! We must make up in our minds how long we are going to feel frustrated, depressed, bitter, angry, and whatever else concerning our motherhood issues.
I think in 2010 the sad face on this site will be a happy one at least for a half a year! LOL...
Saturday
Disgruntled Mother-in-Law
Everyone has advice to share about motherhood including people who never had their own children! It’s easy for someone to talk, but it’s often a challenge for them to help. The worse of them is a disgruntled mother-in-law. She never liked her daughter-in-law and on top of that "the despised" has created a child with her son. A jealous mother-in-law is like a poisonous snake waiting for the right time to strike with her unsolicited advice. Whenever possible don't let her (or any other mother's) snide remarks, know-it-all attitude and other negative personality disorders get the best of you!
Tuesday
When The Baby Cries...
The sweet, peaceful baby that everyone coddles over can turn into a crying nightmare in the blink of an eye! His or her mother may have received praises for how wonderful she takes care of her baby while he or she is quiet, but would she still get the same compliments if witnesses saw how she reacted when the baby cries?
I remember many days when my children’s cries were louder than mine! No matter what I did on some days to ease their discomfort it was never good enough and they would continue to cry. I noticed that I had a large support system when my babies were cute and calm, but no one was available when they were ugly and fussy.
I remember many days when my children’s cries were louder than mine! No matter what I did on some days to ease their discomfort it was never good enough and they would continue to cry. I noticed that I had a large support system when my babies were cute and calm, but no one was available when they were ugly and fussy.
Saturday
Spoiled Mothers, Spoiled Children
It is better to be a wise mother than a rich one. I have noticed that most mothers are neither. I have seen mothers give their children everything they ever wanted and what thanks do they get back? The spoiled child usually grows up to become a spoiled adult – ungrateful, dissatisfied, and expects the world to bow down to him or her. The few mothers, who are praised for being wise that I have met in my lifetime hide behind strict masks not allowing their children to move left, right, up or down. Notice mothers who are in control possess power. Don't let your child control you!
Crazy Mother on Board!
I know at times I can be a crazy mother. I can go from being the sweetest mom on earth to being an angry mother in sixty seconds flat especially if one of my children does something foolish! I have read many parenting guides on how to communicate with children and it is easier said than done when your child has found your trigger button and pushed with all his or her might. You may have counted to ten and walked away the last few times, but at some point you will, “Go there…” but the key is to come back. Don’t "go there" so often that you don’t know your way back home!
Your mind may break down if you are out there too long and your children may be visiting you at a mental hospital one day! I can tell you from experience, I had a nervous breakdown with all the hyperventilating and convulsions to match. It ain’t pretty! Picture this, one day you are upset with your children and the next you are on the floor wishing you would die rather than look like a fool in front of your family and the paramedics while thinking if you have to be transported to the hospital, how will you manage to pay yet another bill?
Your mind may break down if you are out there too long and your children may be visiting you at a mental hospital one day! I can tell you from experience, I had a nervous breakdown with all the hyperventilating and convulsions to match. It ain’t pretty! Picture this, one day you are upset with your children and the next you are on the floor wishing you would die rather than look like a fool in front of your family and the paramedics while thinking if you have to be transported to the hospital, how will you manage to pay yet another bill?
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When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on book by Nicholl McGuire, When Mothers Cry.
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