Overachieving Moms Taking on Too Much - Doctor, Babysitter, Tutor, Wife, Cook, Worker...

Far too many women are irritable, impatient, rude, and uncaring as a result of taking on many roles.  The help just isn't there!  A husband or boyfriend isn't thinking much about his partner's roles and would prefer not to do much, because he enjoys taking it easy.


Those who are busy right now would love a little assistance, but it isn't coming, not because people don't care, but because they are busy with their own lives.  The mother thought that by signing a child up for yet another activity, she would be met with support.  She assumed her relatives would offer to assist her with planning a family get-together.  She believed she was doing a good thing by volunteering to help an organization meet their goals.  She hoped her boss would appreciate her efforts on the job and give her a raise.  But nothing ever goes as planned lately and so the once kind patient and sweet mom is often yelling, bitter, and blaming everyone for her short-comings.


When women come to the place where nothing seems to be going right, it is time to fall back.  Check your health.  Are you getting enough sleep?  Are you preparing and eating quality meals?  Are you giving yourself a break from a partner and children?  Are you involved in too many projects and the affairs of others?  There are time wasters in may lives, the kind that are not productive, dead-end projects, toxic partnerships, and more that do nothing more than put women on their backs in hospital rooms.  What are your time wasters?  What did you agree to or keep working at that is really producing next to zero results?


As much as I love doing some things at home and elsewhere, I realize that the place I am in right now in my life is not the time to do certain activities.  Although others will say things like, "You should..."  I am quick to say, "...not right now."  Family, friends, and co-workers don't know your life like you do.  If they are encouraging you to add more responsibilities on top of the ones you already have, they are doing nothing more than sapping your time, energy, money, and patience!  There is a time for everything, God knows what is happening around the corner and will use people, places and things to warn us.  Some reading this right now are headed nowhere while falsely believing they are headed somewhere.  Many parents select activities for their children that they always wanted to do when they were young; meanwhile, they are upset with children because they are not nearly as interested in the classes as much as they had hoped.  The disinterest is actually a blessing in disguise and one could save herself much money if she would cut her kids off of activities they have said, "I don't really like this...I am bored...Mom could I please be in something else!"  Sooner or later the cries of a child will come back to haunt the mother if she isn't too careful.


How many roles does one have to take on to be considered a good wife and mother?  Where is dad, granddad, great granddad, step-dad, teacher, guardian, or friend in all this?  So many moms buy love whether they realize it or not.  They do this by purchasing large gifts and doing much for the men in their lives, but how are these men repaying these moms?  Are they taking on a few roles or objecting every time they ask, "Would you?  Could you please?  I really need your help..."  If these male figures aren't helping, then why are they in a busy mom's inner circle?  Don't enable their television watching, Internet surfing, skirt-chasing behaviors, as well as other things by trying to be a super mom.  I think of one mom who said, "I stuck around for the children...I was stupid...I let that man run over me!" 


Maybe you saw that image growing up of mom doing everything (the butcher, the baker, and the candle-maker), but now you have your own life!  Are you expected to do it all?  Well, enjoy taking on these many roles, your body will tell on you later.  But for those of us who have learned the hard way, it's not worth it!


Divorce, cheating, sneaky behavior and more is what some spoiled men offer the moody woman who is overworked, tired, frequently away from the home due to work and volunteering, obese due to eating so much, and more.  Men look for pleasure elsewhere when performance at home is dismal whether it is through substance abuse or lying on their backs in a bed or seated in a car somewhere.  It doesn't matter how nice you organize the home, how clean you are, how much you do for the kids, if your mind is on everyone and everything else but him, you lose in the end.  Some men will stick around and remain faithful, but will give Super Moms hell during the process.  This type of negative attitude from so-called good men will give busy mothers no choice but to cross their men off the to-do list--time for a dose of your own medicine, separation or divorce.  She reasons, "I can do bad all by myself."


So do keep this in mind, taking on too much is not good for you or your family, overachieving mom!  It doesn't matter how much money you make, the perks, or anything else when hearts and minds are disconnecting from you!  Go into the new year with a shorter to-do list and a clearer mind.  Hug your kids, love-make with your man, and praise your Creator for what you did do this year.  Trust me, we all appreciate you, I know I do because you stopped long enough to read the words on this blog!


To your health, wealth and success in the new year!


Nicholl McGuire, author of When Mothers Cry. 

Do You Know a Frustrated Bread Winner and Caregiver?

She works almost six days a week at work and everyday at home, a frustrated breadwinner isn't the least bit happy these days. Her husband works overtime sometimes, but his money just isn't enough to cover most bills. He often comes home with little on his mind but a remote control and TV, video gaming console, or computer screen. The children are in need of help with homework, a ride to yet another extracurricular activity, while a relative or friend is calling on the cell phone sharing one issue or another, her husband isn't very helpful. It's only a matter of time when the two will argue yet again about relationship challenges, money problems, and his hobbies.

Frustrated bread winners and caregivers are gradually created, they just don't become irritated, bitter, or abusive overnight.  The frustration began when a promise was broken, when trust was violated, when selfish pleasures and material wealth became more important than family, when disappointments came all-too frequently, the smile turned upside down didn't come back for the crying breadwinner and caregiver.

Some husbands/boyfriends convince others that a partner is just a real you know what and will look for sympathy, but a discerning listener will avoid the temptation to side with a critical man who finds watching TV more important than spending quality time with his family, going out doing what he wants to do, and whatever he feels floats his boat. Maybe one doesn't know how he or his wife truly live, but time surely tells!

A woman who is spending more money than she is bringing in, while taking great care to buy her mate and children, is going to cry broke more than others. She too will look for someone to tell her, "It's okay, you are a good woman. He just doesn't appreciate you..." But before you do, consider the role she is playing, what she has permitted her mate to do and not do over the years, and what sacrifices she has yet to make to restore balance for herself and on the home front.

Know-it-all, stubborn women, who think more of themselves than a Creator, will defend their poor life decisions--they will scream, curse, gossip, and ignore whistleblowers.  Sure, she is frustrated, might even be suicidal, but until she is willing to make necessary adjustments in her life to bring peace, she will remain upset. In time, her complaints, concerns, and thoughts about "Why my husband/boyfriend always..." will get old and family and friends will stop listening to her stories and offering assistance especially when they are often inconvenienced by her requests to "help, show support, donate, give, be there."  Loved ones will start to think, "Why should I keep watching these children while she works/goes places, when her husband is right at home? Why does she say she is going to do this and that and never does it? Why does her and her husband claim to make so much money, yet are always struggling, I'm not buying another thing for them!" Advisers warn the angry breadwinner and caregiver about many things like:  spending too much money on frivolous things, too much errand running, too many hours at work, too little free time, too much arguing, not enough compromising...and yet still nothing changes on the homefront--NOTHING!  Her issues, become everyone else's issues. 

Year one, year two, year three goes by of her relationship with a significant, and issues grow into bigger ones. People get older, less patient, forgetful, and easily irritated over just about anything, and all the frustrated bread winner and caregiver can think of is, "Now when is God going to call me home?" She might as well stop wishing for death, and make some changes personally, professionally and with those who she claims to love. 

It is unfortunate, but this blog, as well as other writings elsewhere, have warned repeatedly, "Slow down mothers, you are dying before the men," but do they really ponder what is being said, do they?   Everything the husband/boyfriend, children, relatives, friends, and what these mothers do is so very "important and needs to be done right now...and I can do it, and everyone needs me, and I am the great all powerful...and I have to, I must do,"  the frustrated mother proclaims! 

My question to her is this, so who will do everything once she dies?

Nicholl McGuire, author When Mothers Cry.  Hear spiritual audio by Nicholl here.

     

Be Encouraged!

When you feel like giving up on everything
When the pain seems too much to bear
When people scandalize your name
When no one seems to care.

When the man you love says goodbye
When your child cries and cries
Don't lose your mind!
Don't hate your life!
Don't kill what you have built!

Stand strong in the face of those who have hurt you
Stand strong when man threatens you
Stand strong when the woman you love lies
Stand strong!

Know that you weren't created to be any one's
physical or verbal punching bag!

You are special!
Your talents exceptional!
Live each day better than the next
and know that it is inevitable that we all will die one day.

Let no one move you to take your own life
through smoking, drinking, drugs and the like.

Let no one move you to take your own life
through starvation, manipulation, and lack of creation.

For there is someone greater than you!
The flowers weren't planted by the man who abuses
the sky wasn't created by the woman who misuses
their minds, bodies and souls!

Don't lose your mind!
Find your heart
know that you have
purpose from the very start!

Written by: Nicholl McGuire

Yelling, Spankings, Cursing, & Fighting? What to do About It!

How many times do we have to agree to disagree with our partner about the very simplest of issues? Oh, we tell him that we understand even act like we are okay with what he told us, but are we? You see, he may have noticed you are become increasingly more irritated with him and the children. You probably have spanked them when you would have ordinarily put them in time out. You may have been caught yelling at the dog or cat for no good reason. He may have walked in on you bad mouthing someone on the phone. And yes even for some mothers who would like to consider themselves mature, they have been scolded for acting inappropriately at the workplace, store, a group meeting, and even a church! "She's lucky we are not in highschool because I would...She better be glad I'm in church...He doesn't know who he is messing with..." Get my point?

Anyway, when so many things are coming at you all at once, it's time to put your hands up and take that much needed walk, bathroom break, nap, or long vacation. Let's face it, we are mothers not God and if you have no faith then attempt to believe in something that will help you achieve the peace you need before you explode!

It has been almost four months since I stepped away from my family to recover from my episodes I described in previous blog postings and I can tell you I feel wonderful! The book I am writing looks like it may be completed before September and I have done just about everything I said I wanted to do since visiting with parents on the east coast (the children are on the west coast with dad.)

Whoever told us that as mothers we shouldn't leave our children and stay at home and fight the good fight is probably in a mental ward somewhere. When you have had enough of the obstacles coming at you from the comment postings on your social networking sites to the noisy toys your children (and maybe even your partner) play with, it's time to take a long bubble bath, read a book when the house is quiet, or just simply sit down and do nothing.

You see, when people tell us things similar to what I am saying, right away a mother screams, "I don't have time!" If you can make time to talk on the phone, you can make time to sit down somewhere and just shut out the world including the voice in your head! I use to think the same thing when someone told me to take some "me time" I almost felt offended, "I don't have time. I have four sons, a small business, and I am responsible for the upkeep of our home...blah, blah, blah!" Then one day I noticed that two hours had passed by and I had been on the phone and then another two hours had passed by and I was clicking around on a social networking site connecting with friends from high school. So if we really pay attention to ourselves, we have time and most things we deem important won't be especially if we end up flat on our backs in a hospital somewhere (remember my stories.)

So please take heed to what I am saying when there is cursing, yelling, fighting, and other crazy things going on in your house know that these are signs of something worse to come! If you know that you are responsible for the majority of the drama that is happening in your home then it's time to step back, regroup, take some time for yourself, then orchestrate a new plan to help you help others!

"God bless you with some serenity!"

Written by Nicholl McGuire
http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Seven Points People Fail To Understand When it Comes to Motherhood Trials & Tribulations

Some times the reason why conflict arises between mothers and everyone else, is due to some people not being careful what they say to mothers. They fail to understand a mother's pain, grief, circumstance, and so forth. They assume that they know what they are talking about when in fact they aren't knowledgeable enough to understand a mother's plight. So I thought of seven tips that I hope will help those who don't know any better. All I can say, is may God have mercy on them when their trials come, because THEY WILL COME!


1. The way you may handle parenting issues may not make sense or be feasible to other mothers, so avoid the temptation to think your way is the only or best way, because most likely it isn't.

2. When a mother misses her children, what favors she asks of you, if reasonable, should be granted. Why does she have to explain why she wants to talk or see her children to anyone?

3. Just because a woman is a mother doesn't mean that she will treat her children like you would.

4. Don't falsely assume that because one mother can juggle the following without falling apart: spouse, job, child, activities, and people, other mothers will and can do the same!

5. Don't ever volunteer your explanation for why someone's child was murdered, died, or some other horrible thing! You can't bring the mother's child back, so be careful with your reasoning. Most likely, she has her own thoughts to answer her question of "why" which may bring her peace no matter how absurb, crazy, or irrational her reasoning might be -- don't try to that away from her! Unless you can bring her child back from the grave or can heal him or her physically, listen more!

6. Being a mother isn't a game or competition and shouldn't be treated as such! Don't wish for a relative, friend, neighbor or co-worker's life! Keep away from negative thinking such as telling yourself, "...if you have more children than him or her that you will feel better." Instead, consider that their lives have more trials and tribulations than yours, so don't give any attention to braggarts!

7. Everyone doesn't have a faith; but it doesn't make a woman less than a mother because she chooses not to worship a deity. So avoid the temptation to judge or be critical; rather embrace your sister and pray for her secretly.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, For other articles related to parenting issues, money, relationships, and more, visit www.associated.content.com/nichollmcguire

Unloved

You may be a mother who had children for a man whom you thought loved you. You may have thought that your role as mother was worth so much more than an occassional hug, a holiday card, or a gift. Your children may not think much of your role, because they are either too young or old enough to know better, but refuse to acknowledge you as such. Whatever the case may be, it is the sickness you feel in the pit of your stomach and the ache you sometimes feel in your throat when you can't talk about the man or the children without choking up. Summed up in three words: you feel unloved!

I know because I have felt like this in the past similar to what Leah in the Bible must have felt like, even though I didn't purposely get pregnant (like she did) so that my men would love me, I know about that feeling of rejection. You see, I thought that I would be treated with some honor because I was a mother, but I learned that just because you feel a certain way about being a mother doesn't mean that the world will treat you like one! You may not carry yourself in a way that fits someone else's definition of what a mother is supposed to act like. I know at times I didn't fit anyone's definition, especially when I had bad stomach cramps and an unsupportive partner -- people just don't visualize mothers having bad days. When I say unsupportive, I mean, he was not interested in trying to make my role any easier. He wasn't interested in helping me ease my burdens as it related to the children. I needed daycare, he didn't want them in there. I needed more help from his side of the family, he didn't bother to go out of his way to get them to help me. I wanted him to treat me more like a woman such as making love, dating, etc. He rather treat me more like a babysitter and roommate.

One day I thought about women, myself included, who have relationships that started out good yet ended badly once the children arrived. A break up is challenging enough to deal with, but what's worse, is watching the father make your replacement (the other woman) feel more special than you! Here you are the woman who gave birth to the children, made sacrifices for them, loved and desired your man, yet he can manage to find the time to show another woman a good time while you sit at home not only spending time with your children, but babysit for him as well! I laughed to myself one day, as I was making food for the children, because I was thinking about the quickest way to administer justice on a father/partner who says, "He is bored, fallen out of love with you, needs some space..." is to give him custody of the children! Since he made you feel unloved during the relationship, didn't appreciate the efforts you had made with the children, and wouldn't do anything to make you feel comfortable being a mother, why not? Let him see how it feels to have to go everywhere with children in tote, to have to deal with the temper tantrums, to have to make time for their wants and needs, and to most of all feel unloved and unappreciated!

There are people in this world that often take advantage of mothers, because we have allowed them to do it. We don't make them suffer any consequences for the times they didn't help us when we needed them most, we don't allow them to experience parenting frustrations without playing Jesus, and we are often giving and never accepting the opportunities that are thrown our way to help us get back in touch with ourselves. If we are allowing these sorts of things to happen, then we can't expect much from our relationships.

Although we can't make a person love us, we can make them understand that our role isn't as easy as they think it is and when times get rough, we don't always have to be available. Sometimes we will have to turn off the phone, run some bath water, sit at a park, and do absolutely nothing!

Burn Out...

Every single day since I found out I was pregnant back in 2006, I have spent it with my children! Now it is 2009, and I am burnt out! Along the way, I did the movie thing, window shopping, asked the father to take them out for a few hours (which he did few and far in between,) requested my own family 3000 miles away from the grandchildren come out and visit, talked to his family (less than 30 minutes away) and they acted disinterested and often used "being busy" as an excuse to avoid contact with me -- I just couldn't shake my building resentment.

I remember wanting to do something different, something for myself, and my partner at the time met my eyes with a look like, "Your kidding me right?" I didn't specifically know at the time what I wanted to do for me, but one thing I did know for sure was that I wanted the children in daycare. He wasn't even a little bit happy with that even though I told him how it would benefit him and the relationship as well. I was even willing to have him cut the money he was giving me and give it to the daycare, but he wasn't having it!

One day I had an "aha" moment like when you suddenly realize a powerful truth about yourself or someone else. For once, I understood why some mothers resort to killing themselves, children and/or mates, the reason starts with feeling burnt out! At some point those around her suspected that she was falling apart, but they either were unwilling to help her, mentioned a few ideas and went on their way, or looked the other way. I learned that mothers do reach out for help prior to feelings of being burnt out, it's just people don't listen or don't take her seriously. I remember one day speaking to a relative about my issues and all I heard was her issues. She wasn't really concerned about what was happening to me nor could she read between the lines when I would tell her, "I am having dark thoughts." I went to my doctor and explained my situation she only recommended I go on vacation, but when I couldn't do that and came back again for the second time many months later, I talked more specifically about my increasing dark thoughts, by then she was all too willing to put me on an antidepressant!

At first the antidepressant worked miracles and I was practically skipping around the house, but then gradually I noticed that I was having an unusual amount of heart palpitations. I continued to take the medicine ignoring the signs until one day I ended up on the floor, having convulsions, and barely able to breathe while having absolutely no control over my body! Imagine being conscience of everything around you, but unable to communicate anything!

I told my doctor what had happened to me while taking the medication and to that she referred me to another doctor who had another medicine for me (yes, another antidepressant!) I was feeling good again on this medicine too, but then I gradually started having more heart palpitations and more convulsions at least once a month despite all my tests showing up normal! I performed Internet research on the drugs to find out how to ween myself off of them since my doctor was too busy to contact me about my getting off of them! By this time I had visited three doctors! I was angry and took matters in my own hands! I discovered quickly that other mothers online had a similar story! I was devastated that my doctor didn't bother to call me back knowing the difficulty I was having with the medicine and withdrawing from it!

As I thought about the events that led up to my cutting antidepressants out of my life, I learned that my issues weren't psychological but physiological. (Only one doctor was able to confirm my notion and recommended I stop seeing doctors about my issues and make some personal changes in my life!) I learned that my mind was running away from an environment I no longer wanted to be in and my unsympathetic, misunderstood (did I mention andropausal) partner couldn't grasp this concept! He thought that I should be happy being around the children all day everyday! Well children never completed me and where he got this idea of mothers being happy around their children all the time, I don't know. Yes, I had been a happy mom early on, but when I wanted something different to happen in my life, besides having a child, I began to burn out...my mind and body was literally ready to shut down for good!

So I write this blog entry specifically for those mothers who were prescribed antidepressants for physiological problems. You aren't going crazy, those around you who choose not to reach out and help you, are the crazy ones! Change your environment or get a new one!

I honestly believe that the judicial system should not only convict mothers who commit crimes on their children in a haze of insanity, but they should also convict these unsupportive spouses who claim, "I didn't know...I wasn't sure...I never knew..." They know they just put their own needs over the needs of the family while expecting the mother to stay in her place! She is reaching out when she says, "I need you...I would like for you...Could you..." It's up to these spouses to hear a mother's cry!

You Can't Seem to Do Anything Right: Ungrateful Partners & Spoiled Children

You can't seem to do anything right! He is seated on the couch looking at you wondering what is wrong with you. You are seated in a chair across from him wondering what is wrong with him. You may be the first to ask the question, "What's wrong?" Somehow a simple question ends up with you yelling, crying or both trying to explain to him why he doesn't understand how you feel.

You see there are those fathers out there that really don't understand the demands placed on mothers. You are supposed to know where everything is, step up to the plate when the children are out of control, be available even when your partner says nothing (mind read,) remind him and the children of appointments, errands, etc. and the simple thanks you want is not another dollar placed in your hands (although that would be nice coming from the man of the house) but a hug and a kiss! Then they wonder why you don't treat them like you did back in the early days. "You aren't as nice as you once were," they may say. And neither were they, they changed too, because after the dog and pony show and the two of you got married and had babies, he sat on the couch with remote control in hand, feet up, and he felt he was done trying to win you over or hold you close while whispering sweet nothings in your ear, and telling you how much he loved you. Supposedly you are expected to just know it!

If you haven't noticed I have had my share of experiences with men and I have heard some awful stories of men who don't have a clue as to what their role as husband or father is and somehow it is left up to the woman to show him. Then when she attempts to do just that he becomes angry telling her, "I don't need you to tell me what I am supposed to do, I'm doing it already." Yeah okay!? So I sit here in front of my computer typing these words, because I know someone out there in cyberworld knows about this place in my spirit I am writing from, because you are in it right now as I type.

You are frustrated to the point of tears often because your husband wants you to be his mother too. He expects you to cook, clean, shop, wash clothes, organize, and do everything else that his mother either did for him or never did. Then after you have fulfilled all of his requests or slacked one day after a proven history of being on top of things, he has the nerve to walk around the house with an attitude. He wants to punish you by stepping aside when you walk by him hoping that you don't touch him and he doesn't touch you. He wants to stay to himself and barely say anything to you unless you talk to him first. The little time he spends with the children, he thinks you are supposed to be there to help him when he is struggling. Then when you do he has a problem with that too!

When mothers cry about issues like these it comes from a hurt place in their spirit that has been everything to everyone else, but herself and no matter what she does it is never good enough! She comes to her partner with a complaint about the way he has been treating her and he wants to use her time as a platform to list his complaints about her, mind you, issues he didn't have until she approached him first. These mental games, that some men play, has been responsible for sending some women away in straight jackets. To make my point more clearer, say you clean up your home, get the children ready for bed, and take the time to sit back and relax with a book in hand. Along comes your mate who has an issue with how soon you put the children to bed or is bothered that you are reading a book rather then sitting in the room watching television with him, what is wrong with that picture? Everything! Because he isn't respecting the time you need to yourself. Everyone needs some time in their day to sit back and just breathe. They shouldn't have to be concerned about what else do they need to do or is there going to be a supervisor on the homefront checking over their job, calling them in the office, and disciplining them for not getting the task done right. Like birds who have nests that they retire in for the night, humans have a home where they should feel safe and at peace from the havoc that is going on outside of the home. If a partner keeps repeating this pattern of what I call "mental abuse" long enough, the woman will begin to either succumb to his every need including the ones that would make most of us cringe, feel less important than who she is or unfortunately take her frustrations out on the wrong people. There are other results that could happen as well, but listing those would make this post too long so I'll quit right there.

I also would like to describe this frustration that a mother feels by using an analogy between two siblings. The older sibling goes to the younger sibling and says, "Give me a hug." So she attempts to and then the older sibling pushes her away and says, "No I don't want a hug." Once again the older sibling says, "Give me a hug." The younger sibling attempts to hug her again and then she says, "No I don't want a hug." This sick game continues until finally the younger sibling says, "I'm not giving you a hug!" Sometimes I see this happening in relationships between mothers and children and mothers and fathers. Everyone wants a hug, but when arms are open wide and the attempt is being made he or she resists, it's a sick game and there are some mothers that are in it and don't know what to do.

So here's what can be done. Move on with your life! Now I'm not saying run from your situation. But what I am saying is, you did all that you could for your household it's time to give yourself a vacation and make those around you appreciate you more rather than take you for granted. If it means visiting a new location in your city and staying overnight in a hotel do it! Start scheduling more time for yourself! Organize your home in such a way that it is self sufficient. Your partner can no longer rely on you for things he can do himself. Your children will have to learn to do more for themselves even if you have a two-year-old who has a habit of leaving messes behind, teach him or her to clean them up!

Listen, when more and more mothers find ways to dry those tears of frustration when it comes to their incompetent partners and spoiled children, these folks will have no choice but to turn to you and ask you, "Can I have a hug?" Now the power is in your hands, you can hug them back or walk away, your choice!

Standing Up for Your Children

When a child can’t speak for him or herself, a mother comes to her child’s rescue. How dare anyone insult, belittle, abuse, threaten or even murder her child! A mother, who has had a son or daughter go through any one of these issues, is a mother with an angry cry.

May God have mercy on the one who hurt her child! She will come like a raging bull with police, relatives, church members, petitions, lawyers, or weapons whatever it takes to get justice for her child. Why would anyone in their right mind think that they could hurt someone’s child and get away with it?

I remember when a girl back in high school decided she was going to tell some people that she wanted to kill me. I knew she was jealous of me, but not to the point of threatening me behind my back. When word reached my mother’s ears, we practically ran to the school. Within a matter of minutes there was a meeting with the girl, a school counselor and the principal. Notice I didn’t mention her mother, wonder where she was? Word traveled fast, “Nicky’s mother was up at the school.” Now it is very unpopular for a parent to show up at your high school when you are in your teen years. I remember we all tried very hard to keep our parents out of our business, but someone threatening to kill you, is just cause to get everyone involved. The message sent to staff and students after my mother’s visit was “think twice about messing with my child.”

When a person who has wronged you knows that you have “mother” backup, they will try to resolve whatever issue they have with you. It gives the curse word “motherfu…r” a whole new meaning! The sales clerk doesn’t want your elderly mother to have a heart attack on his shift over an incorrect price on your sales receipt. The bank manager doesn’t want your mother to withdraw her life savings, because of a minor issue that could be resolved with one phone call for you. The principal doesn’t want your mother talking about him at the next PTA meeting, so he will clear his calendar for you. The pastor doesn’t want your mother not paying her tithes or spreading gossip, so he may go above and beyond for you. Most of all, your husband or boyfriend will not want your mother to tell you that he is no good for you, so he may not only be nicer to you, but offer to assist your mother too.

There is an experience that one, without a relationship with his or her mother, will never know or ever understand. It is when you are battling an issue or need someone that knows you well to speak on your behalf, a good mother doesn’t have to be asked twice. She will fight for you whether you are guilty or innocent. She will defend you when no one else will. She will stand up for you when everyone else wants to give up on you! She will fight, lie, steal, cheat or beg for you! She will pray for you and God will listen. However, a bad mother won’t do a damn thing for you when you need her! There are mothers reading this that are thinking about the times when their mother just didn’t seem to care when they came to her with a problem. The mother went so far as to ask the devastating question of “What did you do to cause this?” These mothers are crying every time they think about how their mother went against them when they needed her most. They had often wished for someone else to be their mother. Some of these mothers have gone so far as to disown their biological mother and take up a new one.

For a woman to call herself a mother and allow a defenseless child to drown in a mess that her child didn’t cause is a woman without a cry. She is the mother who will read something like this and ask, “What are all these mothers crying about?” She hasn’t allowed herself to experience pain or hasn’t been through enough yet to bring her to the floor in a fit of tears, but as we all know her day is coming. The day when she will not be able to run from her child’s cry or numb the pain with any alcohol, drugs, sex, religion, or ignorance. She will have to open her mouth and speak up for her child even when she rather not. She will have to reach down in her purse, find her wallet, take out some money and pay for something to help her child, even though she can’t afford to, and then she will begin to see what other mothers have been experiencing. What’s it like for a mother to have to do for her child when she doesn’t want to and they don’t deserve her help? It’s like a temporary inconvenience in her daily life. The dishwasher stops working, the lights get cut off, the car breaks down, all temporary problems, but when these things happen too often someone will want to hold someone accountable, dealing with children who have issues works the same way. However, when your child’s problem, becomes someone else’s, society blames no one, but you.

When a mother takes a stand for her child, she is doing something that services her more than anyone else. She is letting the world know that, “This is my child!” She doesn’t take too kindly to someone who doesn’t have children telling her how to raise her children either. To her, that is an insult, “Who does she think she is telling me how to raise my child?” She yells. It doesn’t matter that her child is the cause of the problem, but what matters is that she loves her child unconditionally. A love that is very hard to understand when you are a mother without a cry. Crying is like a flood it washes away whatever is in its path. Pain, guilt, sadness, worry, whatever, it cleanses the emotional poisons within and around us if we allow ourselves to cry. Children remember their mother’s cries and those tears will either force them to change or cause them to run away; however, whatever path they choose, they have learned a new element of pain that is much greater than when they fell and scraped their knees. They know that if mother cries something must be terribly wrong and they may try to comfort her by changing whatever they are doing to make her stop crying.

A mother who cries is a good mother. Crying is not a weakness for her, it is her strength it washes away selfishness, anger, resentment and confusion too. Crying brings clarity, strength, compassion, and a sense of self-worth. It reminds us that we are living, breathing, and only human. While some women will grow stronger mentally and physically as a result of defending their children’s cries, others will grow weak from the guilt of wishing they had done something, anything to help their children.

Written by Nicholl McGuire

Why Me? Motherhood Wasn't What I Wanted But It Happened

Kneeling beside my bed in my studio apartment in 1997, I began to pray, not because I was in need of anything in particular, but just because I could whenever I wanted. You see, I was single. No man, no children, no roommates, no pets, absolutely no one lived with me that I had to feel obligated to talk or care for and it felt good – too good.

So while I am kneeling beside my bed waiting for God to speak to me, I am suddenly saddened like someone getting ready to hear some of the worst news of his or her life. I didn’t quite know why I felt that way until I heard an audible voice from within my spirit, saying, “You will be a mother some day and you will marry.” This news was not what I wanted to hear. I was looking forward to hearing something else such as God telling me to attend a Bible college or do some missionary work, anything but this! I cried my first cry about being a mother. These were real tears, gut wrenching! I became angry all the while as I cried asking God, “Why?”

I couldn’t help but think about all of the women who wanted children in the world and hear I was being called to motherhood and marriage. I had just got out of an abusive relationship, so the last thing I wanted in my life was something else to test my patience and nerves. For the first time in my life I was sincerely happy and at peace in my eclectic looking apartment cheaply decorated with abstract art on poster board along the walls, decorated plastic containers and crates turned on their side to simulate bookcases.

Then again maybe I wasn’t really happy as I wanted everyone around me to believe during that time in my life. Loneliness had been my kryptonite back in the 90s. Like superman, this superwoman fell weak to my imagination of one caressing and kissing me and longed for my dreams to become real—a debonair gentleman to come into my life and sweep me off my feet and out of my boring routines. Yet, at the same time, I wanted to stay in my apartment and never interact with anyone unless I absolutely needed to, simply because my heart still ached over my past riddled with verbal and physical assaults from men who claimed they loved me.

What was so bad about my being called to motherhood and marriage? I really don’t know. I can’t seem to pinpoint exactly what had occurred when I was a child that caused me to disdain the possibility of me one day being a parent. I remember thinking back to those childhood days when I found marriage to be troublesome. I saw people around me looking at their mates as if they were sickened and/or aggravated by them. I saw the frustration in parents’ eyes when their children did just one more thing to make them yell, scream, cuss or whip them. Parenting was definitely not something I saw in my future. I remember my mother saying, “What if one day you meet a man and fall in love with him, you may want to have children.” I was still adamant in my beliefs when I responded to her, “I still don’t want any children and I don’t want to be with the same person for the rest of my life that is boring!” I remember her being hopeful about my future when she commented, “You are still young, you may change your mind when you are older.” I had hoped that I wouldn’t.

As I pondered the news God gave me about motherhood and marriage, I remembered a radio interview on a Christian station. When the interviewer asked the guest about the various callings God had made on his life, he commented that he may not have liked everything God put on his plate, but he ate anyway. I thought about my own calling. Although this idea of being a mother wasn’t what I had in mind, I could accept it; however, the challenge I had was to try an convince the little child within me that it was okay that our Father in heaven knows what’s best for us. As I began to think more about motherhood, I realized I really hadn’t come to terms with being a mother even when I learned almost two years later that I was pregnant and I felt guilty that I wasn’t married first even though God was already aware of the order of events. I had often wished during the pregnancy that God would take the baby from me, and could I get “a do over” roll for my life?

I didn’t like the thought of how the baby would impact my future, those around me and how the baby changed me mentally or physically. What exactly did I have planned for my future in 1997 anyway? I really didn’t know. I had been educated at very good universities and had a resume two pages long! I allowed myself for the first time in my life to awake each day with no focus other than to work at my data entry job, pray to God, eat, read, shower, go to sleep and awake the next day to do it all over again each and every day until God told me different. Up until that point in 1997, I had never had a dull moment in my life! For me to behave that way back then was almost insane to those who knew me. I was never one for not having a plan for my present and my future. I never had an opening in my schedule that was ever left for God, casual reading or just sitting down and relaxing. I sometimes wonder had I allowed myself to keep busy would I have ever entertained a single thought of desiring the touch of a man.

The opportunity to abort my baby had been given to me by a nurse, who said it was a requirement to ask, but I didn’t have the mindset to think twice about it since being influenced by talk shows that provided details of the procedure and biblical teachings discouraged me. I asked God, I told God and sometimes I swore at God about allowing this to happen to such a sinner. I almost pleaded, “This isn’t what I wanted…” To that, he said nothing.

I was angry with God because I was mere flesh who hadn’t been strong enough to turn sex away. My happiness about being alone had wore off quickly. I became like so many single, lonely women desiring a companion that would make me feel complete. The chance I took that night to allow my lover to enter me unprotected could have resulted in much more than a baby. Exactly how many times we slept together unprotected, before I became pregnant I don’t remember, all I recall was we hadn’t known each other that long before the “surprise” came. I remember wondering why my belly continued to grow despite my participation in professional physical fitness training and watching my diet.

I don’t know if God told me this or if I reasoned it, but I started to believe that God gave me, the gift of motherhood, because he planned to use the children in the future, not only for his glory, but to create a new and improved me. In the past, I noticed as young as fifteen that having children made some young women act mature beyond their years. They seemed to have a more settled demeanor about them and they viewed the world a lot differently after having babies. Pregnancy seemed to mold and shape them into women that had more compassion for others, became less selfish, and provided an insight about life they would have otherwise never had.

Why wasn't the information and counseling readily available for women when they didn't want to abort, but didn't want to keep the child either after giving birth? Where are the support groups for mothers-to be who don’t want to be mothers, but are too afraid to tell anyone they don’t want their child and rather put him or her up for adoption? Who holds pregnant women’s hands when they have second thoughts about being mothers? Although I struggled with the idea of being a mother throughout my pregnancy and often wished that God would take his blessing back, nothing prepared me for the day I saw my baby’s eyes. With tears in my eyes and when no one was looking, I quickly asked God, in a quiet whisper, for forgiveness. “Please forgive me Lord I didn’t know what I was thinking or saying. Thank you for giving my child life.” The baby looked at me as if God used his eyes to reply, “You are forgiven.”

Three children later (a grand total of four) I have never asked God to take any of them like I did with the first, but I have requested that he bless me with the wisdom and the strength to stand before the obstacles set before me. I have repeatedly commanded that God send his angels down to help me quiet a crying child. I have also prayed to God far too many times to count to give me peace of mind. For there are times that I felt as if my head would come off and I would lose my legs to stand, because of the stress of raising children. Sometimes my own cries drowned out my children’s moans, sighs, whines and screams. When I am feeling at my worse, I go to some faraway place in my mind where I can’t hear them and for that moment I feel okay. I get off my knees or out of the chair I am sitting in when this happens and proceed to wash the dirty dishes, clean the crumbs off the floor, make a bed, sort some laundry, go out for a walk (when daddy is home) or get on the phone. For I know that if I allow my mind to stay in that far away place that drowns out the sounds of children too long, they may hurt themselves, but if I come out of that far away place too soon and don’t allow myself enough time to cry a good cry, then I may be the next woman on the news.

A mother-to-be goes through so many mental and physical changes. It doesn’t give her any encouragement about her calling when there are so many miserable mothers around her trying to advise her on childbirth and childrearing. They are telling her things like, “I didn’t want to see my baby’s face after all she put me through…I was ready to hurt my child about…His dad was no help to me…The baby didn’t allow me to get any sleep, I was ready to throw him out the window…” The new mother is definitely not ready for what is ahead when she can’t see the bright light at the end of the tunnel and the women around her don’t bother to be a beacon of light for her. In her mind all she hears herself saying is, “I am not ready for this!”

One day while walking my children, I had a conversation with a neighbor about children. She said she never wanted any. I couldn’t help but think why was it that she got her wish and I hadn’t. She reasoned that God didn’t allow it to happen to her, because he knew in her heart that she truly didn’t want any. She said she loved her nieces and nephews and were grateful for them. I had wanted the same, no children, at least so I thought, but maybe God knew my heart better than I knew it and gave them to me anyway.

Another day, I had been walking my children again and saw two pregnant women walking side by side. I couldn’t help but speak to them while they smiled and waved to both of my sons riding in a double stroller. They asked if I had twins, I said, “No, they are fifteen months apart.” They commented on how cute they were. As we exchanged small talk, I remember saying something to encourage them, although I have since forgotten what I said, I do recall how they reacted, they smiled.

I guess my only request for mothers who are around expectant mothers is to be lighthouses for them. Direct them toward the light that will give them the strength to keep going even when they are experiencing dark waters, raging storms, and heavy winds in their lives.

Written by Nicholl McGuire

Before She Became a Mother She was a Woman

Before she was a mother she was a single, working woman. She enjoyed her carefree life. She went to work, came home, made herself something to eat, chatted on the phone with friends, and went out wherever she wanted at whatever hour. When people asked her if she would marry and have children one day, she may have said yes to marriage, but no to children. The mere thought took her to a time when she cried far too often as a child wishing nothing more than to escape her dysfunctional family. She just didn't want to be bothered comforting a child that may or may not grow up with the same worries and fears that she had, it was a gamble that she never wanted to take.

But then along came a man whom she fell in love and unexpectedly she became pregnant. It was then that she said goodbye to everything that she had ever known. Now she is embarking into a new journey, all the while persuading herself to accept motherhood despite her bitter feelings about it. "A mother says this, a mother does that," she tells herself. Then she looks to other women, books, TV, and radio for every answer that mother's intuition doesn't give her.

This realization of having to crucify the old her and become the new her was the start of her crisis. There are those women who suffer with midlife and menopausal crisis, but there are others like the new mother in this story who go from being a single, career-oriented, independent super woman of sorts to becoming a single mother vulnerable, lonely, and confused. A young woman who thought of children as nothing more than "cute", now has to face the reality that spreadsheets, books, meetings, dating, and entertaining will have to be replaced with parenting books, doctors' appointments, diapers, baby bottles, bibs, and much, much more!

Her family that she had no time for when she was busy studying for exams, winning accolades, and hanging out with friends, is now an all too important support system. Without her family, friends, co-workers, church, government and strangers, she thinks, she could be like some of the women she read about or watched on television talk shows that became so emotionally and physically drained with the responsibility of caring for their children that one day they just snapped!

The mother who loses her job because of her pregnancy, the family who doesn't like her choice in a man, the abusive partner who didn't want a baby, religious leaders who will not accept childbearing outside of wedlock and so many other issues have sent many mothers to the mental institution or to their graves with broken hearts and tears.

As her baby becomes bigger in her womb, she reflects on those simpler days when it was just "Me, Myself and I" like a chocolate craving, she yearns for the life she use to have. Her friends tell her, "Get over it." She goes into hiding, "they are no comfort," she tells herself. So she doesn't bother answering the phone anymore, they no longer have too much in common with her these days anyway.

The crying child, the unsupportive partner, the negative attitude of relatives, and the distance of friends have all contributed to her motherhood crisis. Other mothers like her never planned on having children either, but had them anyway knowing that they had yet to get over those very serious feelings of resentment, something that a mother who has accepted her role will never understand that is why she says things to unhappy mothers that cause more harm than good, "You should be happy. Children are from God. Just think of all the women who can't have children..." While these mothers act as if they don't have a clue as to why the new mother feels depressed about how drastic her life has changed, some of these well-meaning mothers forgot or failed to mention how they struggled when they too first heard the news about their own unplanned pregnancies, they put on fake smiles too, all the while thinking, "I don't want this."

Unlike her sisters who could bravely undergo an operation to rid themselves of something they couldn't handle, the new mother on the other hand, had her child and wished she hadn't. Although she doesn't look like the type, whatever "the type" maybe she doesn't want children, she quite honestly doesn't want hers so she is weighing all her options. But she can't tell anyone, because no one would understand. She is a mother crying on the inside every day, because she didn't want children. She doesn't feel the honor of being a mother, the love of a mother, the insight of a mother, the compassion of a mother, she feels nothing but numb. She almost feels like she has been raped by a God who made her a mother even though she prayed, "Please don't!"

People around her mistake her eyes of tears for eyes of joy. What does she feel joyful about when it's hard for her to see the goodness of motherhood? The same God she feels has raped her will have to be the same God who will have to open her eyes to the joys of parenting. Many mothers are pained inside that they even feel this way, but it's hard when all they can see is another mouth to feed, another invite they have to pass up, another job offer they have to turn down because of childcare hours, another man who doesn't want to date her because she has a child, another memory of a past she would rather forget, and so many "anothers" too long to mention here.

What can you say or do for a new mother whose mind is in this state without being critical or bragging about how great you feel about being a mother? She isn't you or maybe you are her and have only been deceiving yourself for years. "I love children, but they can't touch my things, play on my furniture,or bother me," some women say. "I love children, but don't expect me to watch my grandchildren," some grandparents say. "I love children, but I can't wait until they get older so they can move out of my house!" many mothers say. Get my point?

Now that the new mother has given birth to her baby, she feels somewhat at ease, but still subconsciously she is hoping to have a speedy recovery and get back to work. Her child makes her disgruntled mother open her eyes more and more to the world around her, she starts to see other mothers like her, still disappointed with the choices they made in life including letting their unborn children live. She questions those spankings mothers give their children, "Could it be that they really aren't disciplining them, but hating them for their very existence?" What about those curse words they bestow upon their children, "Could it be that the child reminds her of a poor choice she made years ago while dating?" What about those evil stares she gives her child when she thinks no one is looking? "Could it be the child represents her lost freedom?"

While I, you or anyone who knows a mother similar to the one in this article grappling with her role, avoid the temptation to pass judgment, some of us could be considered delusional look at the way some mothers talk the talk of loving their children, but aren't walking the walk. Maybe this disappointed mother is representative of our truth and we are just too scared, busy, worried, or ignorant to bother with it? I would have said too content to worry over it as well, but it wouldn't make sense since this article is not written for content mothers.

Maybe our depressed sister in motherhood is more in touch with herself than we think and all she needs is someone to show her where she can find her peace of mind.

(This is an excerpt from a new book on motherhood coming out in 2009 on Amazon entitled, "When Mothers Cry" by Nicholl McGuire. You can reserve your copy simply by sending an email request to the writer of this article.)