Being Comfortable with the Fact You Are Older - Support for the Mature

Following After Parents' Poor Examples

Mom is Aging, Impatient, Rude and Forgetful

The older we get, the worse we could potentially come depending on how our body feels, the support system or lack thereof around us, and financial challenges.  A mom shared that her mom was aging, struggling with Alzheimer's and she just couldn't take it anymore.  So she looked to outside help.

You know you better than anyone, so if you are dealing with an aging parent and all that comes with her, you will have to do whatever it takes to be at peace and ensure the parent's safety.  Unfortunately, for those who prefer to fight with Mom, rather than do what is in the best interest of her while keeping your sanity, here are some tips.

1.  List her mental and physical issues and start seeking out the support groups in your area to help.  There are various non-profit organizations that key in on certain issues while there are churches who have an extensive resource list of available help.

2.  Talk to mom about your concerns when things aren't so tense.  Not everyday is an awful day for mom even though she might claim otherwise.  When she is less nervous, argumentative, stressed, etc.  speak truth and watch how you talk to her.  Leave name-calling and yelling out of the conversation.  If you can't do it, converse with a sibling who might be better equipped to have a heart-to-heart with mom.

3.  Find the time to visit Mom only when you are up to it and don't always bring your children.  Some mothers are battling with PMDD, post-partum, menopause and other health issues, so the last thing you want to do is be in stuck in the room with a miserable Mom who is still angry about someone or something.  Watch your calendar and plan conversations and visits with Mom when you are less stressed.  When a Mom is going through much difficulty, the last thing you want to do is put your children in the line of fire or witness the two of you go at it.  Limit the amount of time you spend with your mother and if you aren't in the mood to cook, clean, or do whatever else needs to be done, enlist some help without causing problems between siblings and others.  If they don't want to help, so be it, they have a right to feel the way they do.  Find other sources.

4.  Ignore Mom's negative attitude and mean-spirited behavior when you know she is mentally-ill.  What will arguing with her resolve?  Remind yourself, "One day Mom is going to die and I don't want to have any regrets...I did the best I could."

5.  If you have already been angry, ugly, and crazy acting with Mom, forgive yourself, apologize to Mom, but move on.  Pay closer attention to your emotions and create some space between you and your Mom so that you won't dishonor her again.  But if you should, make peace and ask your Creator for guidance.

One of the saddest cries that any son or daughter can have is when Mom is gone.  Live your best life with Mom now, so that you will be at peace when she is no more.

Nicholl McGuire

Woman Heard Voices to Kill Her Mother

Are You the Boss of Mom and Dad?

How much do your aging parents appreciate you raising the subject of them not managing life so well? As much as the cat wants to take a walk with the dog? As much as you want a pet tarantula?

Well, let me put in this way. Do you remember how much you enjoyed that sex and virginity talk with Mom when you were fourteen and she was suspicious? That's pretty much how much your parents want you to talk to them about age, health and self-neglect.

No-one wants to have interference from their kids. Certainly no one wants to admit that they aren't aging well. And inevitably, they probably hear criticism in you even raising the topic.

So, that is why you approach this subject gently, kindly and without reproach. And did I mention tact? Oh yes, and taking stuff on yourself.

Now some parents are such open people, so self-aware and unafraid of admitting their life circumstances that there will be no problem at all.

"Why, son, we're so glad you mentioned your concerns about us. We were just going to talk to you about what we need and can't do any more." There's a couple of sentences rarely spoken in the inter-generational talk realm.

No, you need lots of soft-soaping here. One reason is that your parents may actually not be aware of their loss in function. Two is that, if they are, they even more don't want to talk about it. The underlying feelings here are often their shame, their fear, their growing awareness of becoming more helpless. None of which you enjoy as feelings either, right?

So you approach this as a way of building them up, not as tearing them down. It's true when they are stubborn, disbelieving and dismissive, then adult children often do feel the urge to take them down a peg or two by proving everything they're afraid of. So, since someone has to be the grownup, that would be you and your siblings.

You might want to share your concerns with them first. To get a reality check of what you're seeing. Then you could usefully get together with siblings and any other family members or even neighbors if they're very close to your parents. That way, you can fugurew out the major concerns and begin making a plan.

Unless your parents are in real danger from incompetence to stay safe and live healthily, then start with a few extra nice inputs into life. Take meals around, have someone help in the house. If they protest, here's a way that often works.

You say,"Gosh well gee, Mom and Dad, I know you say everything okay, and it probably is, but I just worry about your guys. You've done a lot for me and I want to do things for you now. "

You can choose your own words but here you are emphasizing your love, your desire to be a good child and you wish to enable to have a great style of living, blah blah blah. Why? Because they will only accept your help when they feel safe with you, respected by you and loved by you.

Otherwise, they will fight you all the way.

Frena Gray-Davidson, Alzheimer's caregiver and author of five caregiving books, including her latest book "Alzheimer's 911: Hope, Help and Healing for Caregivers", available at http://www.amazon.com. Frena teaches care families and professionals to decode the language of dementia and achieve successful behavior interventions. Go to her website at http://www.alzguide.com/ and sign up for her free monthly online newsletter for all involved in dementia care. Email her at frenagd@gmail.com.