I thought of a psychologist yesterday, who like most of her colleagues, challenges her clients to do some inward work on themselves when it comes to their personal perceptions, feelings, etc. regarding loved ones and others. I liked some of the exercises she provided, but I also recognized that validating her clients' emotions was definitely not something she did and even when they validated their own emotions, she kept encouraging them to explore more. I thought, "Now how much more exploring are people going to do and when was she going to do a little more guiding them outside of their dysfunctional boxes and onto some greener pastures?" Anyway, I noticed there was a motherly attitude that exemplified, "You should know better...You could have...You should have...the answers are within you..." therefore causing her clients to criticize themselves for even bothering to react to someone's "perceived" wrongdoing. I thought, "They could have stayed home with the folks that offended them and heard them say how wrong they were!?" Her demeanor displayed she wasn't buying too much of anything these hurting people were saying, but hey, a wealthy bank account makes some behave that way. Now I use the psychologist as an example just to show you how this sort of counseling happens between mothers (who either care too much or others who care too little) and their teens and adult sons and daughters. If your offspring is coming to you with an issue, helping him or her solve it is wonderful, but how you do it, what you say, your demeanor, and other factors will indeed make or break your relationship. Further, allowing one's offspring some room to come up with his or her conclusion is a good thing, but when you know that a son or daughter is not showing any signs that he or she is ready or able to receive your counsel, then back off and direct his or her attention to some resources that might help.
Plenty of things aren't that serious to discuss with others and we don't always need to react or assume the worse when we or "they" don't want to be bothered, but our perceptions are not always wrong about people, but some counselors (even loved ones) will have you to believe that they are and you can't trust them. I think with victims who have been abused for years, there is always a person within who says, "Am I wrong? Is this really a big deal? Should I have defended myself in that situation? Is what I am seeing and hearing truly accurate?" Sometimes this is done so much in the mind to the point that one doesn't recognize right from wrong, good from evil anymore--the lines are blurred. I could see what side the loveable psychologist was really on and I can't say for sure she was a child of light. Narcissistic types love calling evil good and good evil, blurring lines, denying, blaming, etc. and also thoroughly enjoy any work that self-sabotages. What better way to get the attention off the guilty party and his or her mean-spirited ways, when you focus solely on your so-called inaccurate perceptions, "crazy" ways, and more, while a partner cheats, a relative continues to lie, a friend steals, a boss disrespects you, and children do some ungodly things. Meanwhile, the victim (or one of her protective alters) is behind yet another room in her mind that she was placed in by a so-called, helpful psychologist who tells her, like only a mother can, "Go to your room and think about it...not my problem...Who cares? I have better things to do."
We can easily fall into a trap of following after counselors in darkness who love getting us to challenge ourselves, but also play with our minds during the process so that we doubt what we feel even when our responses are quite natural and/or spiritual. If I am angry and I know who or what provoked me to anger, then why would I challenge an absolute truth in my world whether you choose to believe I shouldn't be angry over one thing or another? Anger is a constructive, attention-getting boundary when used correctly and within reason, so why take that righteous indignation away from someone? What about if you are sad about the loss of a loved one, don't you have a right to grieve in the way that brings you peace for how long you want? Maybe the grief is also working as a boundary to keep troubled individuals away. But a counselor who has vested interest in making money might cause you to think in a way that you are always relying on him or her while never reaching true peace and freedom (think: controlling pastors). Sometimes we aren't going to get a quality life looking inside the same selves that made the poor decisions in the first place--thank God for those counselors who do respect Him, His Holy Word and direct us toward Him. God knows the burdens can be far too great to deal with exclusively within, this is why some end up destroying selves, families, careers, and more because they can't see any way out of the boxes that people have put them in, so they become enemies of their selves.
Wisdom, love, defending yourself, and more is what you are supposed to exhibit when someone is attempting to put your light out, suffocate your spirit, or exercise power and control over you. Why would I take what I feel in the moment toward my accuser/foe and reverse it back on me as if the lie I have been fed (or whatever else) applies to me while being told in so many words I shouldn't be feeling that way? But this is what some of these quack counselors attempt to get you to do over and over again before you are taking some prescribed medication or doing other things to put you on a fast track toward suicide or murder. "There must be something wrong with me...maybe I am a nut. No wonder he doesn't love me," one might say. Maybe you are a bit odd, have some "issues," but good counselors are supposed to help, not leave it all up to you to do everything to heal you. If that's the case, you don't need them. Meanwhile, the counselor who has brainwashed an individual into thinking he or she is one's own god takes no responsibility for provoking negative reactions to the lies, twisted doctrines, and other dark things he or she supports. Think before you go under hypnosis, who are you trusting your mind to?
When it comes to the people and things of God, some ill-informed counselors, know full well that it isn't a single event that causes someone to react, but a series of them leading up to emotional outbursts, mental breakdowns, and more. But our media would have us to believe that the poor mother went crazy over some of the most strangest things before hurting a spouse or children. Rarely, does a group say, "Well how did she get to that point where she lost it?"
During those moments we self-talk, we are supposed to be taking responsibility for times we didn't say or do something when people or things were hurting us. That is often what many of us mothers are guilty of along with not handling issues as soon as they happen. In addition, we might fail to document problems due to being tired, busy, lazy, etc. and then forgetting about them, and/or not expressing concerns for fear we don't want to hurt someone's feelings or reputations. Women are good for doing these things then later blowing up on everyone and everything because we didn't feel our personal needs were met by a partner, children or grandchildren. Did we tell anyone how we felt or did we just sweep things under the rug when people refused to help us? "No big deal, oh well..." some women say about a situation(s) when they know they are dying inside. Others say more than enough and are pushed away, misunderstood or treated unfairly as a result.
If you should find yourself seeking a professional counselor on or offline or using family and friends as listening ears about problems, know that you have reached the point where you don't feel like you can manage it. This is why it is so important to know who you are trusting your life to whether it is recorded messages online or face-to-face counseling sessions. A good adviser is going to provide you with solutions that go beyond self-reflection exercises. Of course, it is extremely helpful to question whether your perception in a matter is indeed accurate, but you don't want to stay in that place to the point that you are doing things like: doubting your feelings, whether events happened in the way you saw them, was what you heard true, belittling yourself, esteeming an abuser, often thinking something is wrong with you for reacting, etc.
No matter what someone says or how comical, motherly, and clever a person might be in showing you some silly, dumb or stupid things about you, stay away from becoming your own worse enemy, abusing yourself, while elevating popular counselors, codependents and abusers. Most of all, check to see if you are doing these things to others.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of many books, blogs and provides online administrative support for individuals and businesses.