Monday

When Fathers Put Everyone Else First But Her



Whether you have been to a family gathering or have talked with a relative or friend over the phone, there are those times that they will say something to you that will offend you regarding your parenting skills. Some mothers will tell their own relatives or friends about how their negative statement or action made them feel. However, when your husband’s or boyfriend’s family or friends are the offenders, things can get tricky. Most women will tell their mates about what was said, so that their mate is updated on any potential problems that may threaten their family. Some women will want their men to do something about family issues since they don’t feel that it is their place to say something. However, when mothers are protective of the family and the fathers are too busy, too tired, and too passive or too whatever to do something about it, mothers will get angry with tears of frustration in their eyes screaming, “Aren’t you going to say something? Aren’t you going to do something?”

When a woman becomes a mother there is something deep down within her spirit that is affected. She becomes strong in areas where she was once weak. She develops an intuition also known as women’s intuition. Some mothers see potential family problems sooner than others. These mothers are blessed with a third eye that can see an attack made against her family from miles away. It isn’t that she has become some trouble-making gossip, although there are some women who are, but she doesn’t want his or her family coming into her home with their jealous, hidden motives and other selfish tactics now that she has bore children.

Some family members see the birth of children as an opportunity to control, manipulate, restore or break relationships. What a great way, so the family thinks, to get their distant son to do things he has never done with the family now that children are here? Why not get him to partake in family traditions, spend more time with parents or anything else they want, because of course he is a father now! When children are born into a relationship, some extended family observed what has changed and not changed since their beloved son or daughter has become a mother or father. Any selfish family member is looking at how the arrival of children will or will not benefit them. For instance, let’s say the father of your children was very close to his family before you and the children came along. Now he seems to be more focused on his new family needs and less on theirs, he would be a fool to think that his family would not say or do something to draw him near again. Family will do things no matter how nice, charming or outright negative to get what they want. Have you ever watched the television sitcom, “Everybody Loves Raymond” if so the mother-in-law is a good example of this sort of behavior? Family will attempt to get what they want by using underhanded motives such as finding fault with the children’s mother so that they can spend time with the new grandchild, niece, nephew, etc. alone without the mother coming around. How about getting the father to take money out of the family budget for what they consider more pressing needs? What about using guilt trips such as “I never see you…or I want to see the grandchildren.” Then they talk negatively behind the new father’s back or don’t bother to go out of their way to come and see his family.

An intuitive mother sees family’s negative actions with a third eye. She doesn’t wear rose-colored glasses and she attempts to get her husband to take off his rose-colored glasses when problems arise. But the real issue the mother has isn’t with her husband or boyfriend’s relatives as much as it is with him. How is he going to react when the old family has done something to offend his new family? Will he find “nice statements” to say to his wife or girlfriend that will excuse his family’s behavior; and hopefully pacify her or will he address the problems his side of the family causes while making it comfortable for her to come around without backlash?

Being a mother isn’t just about her children, but it’s also about maintaining an image of respect, dignity and wisdom amongst anyone who encounters her. She must carry herself at times like a minister of a church. Being a public servant for others, always watching what she says or does around others, while taking care that her children’s father’s needs are met. But what about her needs? When she is faced with the obstacles set before her by his family and friends, who will have her and the children’s backs? Will it be another family member standing in the gap where he falls short? Will this family member or friend be the one telling him, “You better change your ways or else you are going to lose your family?” Or will this selfish family member sit on the side lines gossiping with other family members saying, “I knew that he wasn’t going to make it with her.”

Why don’t some of these fathers have the gift of the third eye or male intuition when his family is being verbally assaulted by others in between their phony grins? When will these fathers wake up and understand that there is an enemy who wants them out of the family home and out in the street looking for temporal things to make them happy for only a moment? Mothers are crying about all sorts of issues regarding fathers from them leaving the home to them being inactive in the home. They want the fathers to be models for their children, but when they don’t stand up for the mothers and the children, there will be disharmony in the household and the only ones to blame are themselves.

Mothers need to stop taking the blame for these fathers who mishandle money, cheat, lie, steal, and put everyone else before the family and anything else that breaks up the family unit. We spend money for self-improvement books, plastic surgery, counselors, and so much more because we think that somehow we can fix all that is wrong in our relationships with the fathers and our children. But the reality is that it takes two to work on any relationship and not just one. It is very easy for some people to make the necessary adjustments in their relationships and all is well, but there are many more that can’t and rather then make the arrangements to establish boundaries and/or end relationships, we hold on to them thinking things will get better when they won’t. There are children who wish that mommy and daddy did go their separate ways, because maybe there would be some peace and quiet while they slept at night. Some children notice the relationship problems of their parents and blame themselves wishing that they could just die. Meanwhile, we adults think that we are doing the children a favor by staying together.

I remember when I finally got the bright idea to leave my relationship and I was glad I did. Later, I asked my children how they felt about mommy and daddy breaking up and they told me they were glad, because they were “tired of the arguing.” So to all the mothers who think that staying with these fathers who rather put everyone else and everything else before the family, I say, “Be prepared to nurse the wounds of your children when they are older.”

Staying on the phone talking with your family and friends about his “no good, sorry, good for nothing…” doesn’t motivate you to walk out the door, ironically it keeps you staying in the mess, because so-called well-meaning family and friends will say things that will cause you to second-guess your decisions, “You should stay with Jim, he has all that money. What will you do if you go? I would put up with it for as long as I can it’s hard to find a good man.”

When the time comes to make plans to leave the relationship, think about who is the better parent. If he treats the children better than you do, then you should strongly consider leaving them behind and arranging visitation. Think about how your staying in a dead end relationship is impacting not only you, but in the short and long-term your children? Although I didn’t want to, the court decided for me, who was the better parent financially to care for the children, so they gave him physical custody. I could have fought him on it, but when I really thought about it, he is the better parent for raising sons, not me. I have never been a boy or man so I don’t know what internal struggles they go through when it comes to identity. It was hard for me to come to grips with this truth, but I think that I have a better relationship with him and my children because of it.

A hard lesson I learned about motherhood is that sometimes you can be a better mother to your children at a distance. Society would like to judge you for something that goes against tradition, but only you know what you can and can’t handle. Yes, you will cry a lot having to say goodbye to your children, but through your pain, you will become a stronger and wiser woman because of it. I learned that I was a woman first, before I became a mother; therefore there is a spirit within me that surpasses the title of mother. It is due to the strength of my spirit within (powered by God Almighty) that I will live long after the children make friends, move away, get married, or die. Women without a spiritual strength within that keeps them motivated to live, will suffer enormously when the children move away, get married or die, because they have allowed their spirit to live through their children. A mother who taps into this same inner strength will be able to overcome when the father puts everyone else before the family. She will take over as head of household and ensure that everything runs smoothly. Through her tears, she will sacrifice everything else because of her children. A mother will protect her family when the father won’t.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, for more of her writings visit http://www.associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

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Over 20 years office work experience, six years completed college coursework, background in print media and communications, recognized for exceptional attendance and received merit increase for past job performance, self-published author and part-time entrepreneur, Internet marketing and social media experience. Interned for non-profit organization, women's group and community service business. Additional experience: teaching/training others, customer service and sales. Learn more at Nicholl McGuire and Nicholl McGuire Media

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