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Wednesday

Don't Talk, Trust and Feel - Bad Parenting will Backfire

A crying mother, fearful of a partner, abused by her own mother, and bitter about her life decisions, teaches her children not to cry.  They are not permitted to do the following:  talk about what hurts to others, trust people who are only trying to help, and display emotion about something their parents did or didn't do.  Mom says, "Stop crying!  What happens in this house, stays in this house!  Don't tell me how you feel, I don't want to hear it!"  Many of her instructions may be given to her by the head of house, the father who has his own share of personality issues, the controlling matriarch or patriarch, or siblings who experienced their share of abuse.

In my personal experience, this "don't talk, trust, or feel" kind of parenting, was unhelpful, cold-hearted and at times downright dysfunctional.  I thought, "Does anyone take a step back and listen to how they sound laying down the so-called rules?  Has anyone bothered to question how stupid some of this is when it comes to parenting children?  Many sons and daughters raised by or around this sort of ignorant teaching, suffered as a result.  However, others awoke before things got to bad with their own children and vowed that some of this ignorance had to go!

Don't Talk

If a mother makes a habit of telling her children not to speak to her or others whether it is a good time to talk or not, what will be the outcome?  The children will most likely not talk much to her.  Ignore or avoid her when she wants to talk to them.  They may open up to relatives, friends, and strangers, but that all depends on how the mother's constant shutting her children up has affected them--sometimes social skills are hindered as a result.  Further, her children will most likely be cautious of connecting with those who are friendly with the mother for fear that things they might say will get back to her.  This unfortunately was my experience being around adults who didn't like children much.  These people felt children were more like flies that ought to be shooed away once they have received all they wanted from them i.e.) conversation, entertainment, money, etc.--yes adults did borrow money from children and didn't want others to know about it either!  The strategy with many of these controlling authority figures was to keep their shady lifestyles and practices private.

Don't Trust

The parents and  grandparents were good about telling grandchildren as well as adult sons and daughters not to trust this person and that one.  The strategy behind this was so that you would stay under the parent or grandparents rule--this I now know, but back then I thought it was solely about caring for the family.  The warnings happened so often in family circles to the point that it was any wonder we children had any friends.  Women and girls, boys and men weren't to be trusted whether family or not, the clerk at the local store wasn't trusted, the neighbor was up to no good, and friends couldn't come inside the family home or stay overnight, because they too couldn't be trusted!  In time, what does the child turned adult end up doing?  Falsely believing that most people can't be trusted.

Don't Feel

You are to shake pain off, hide tears or don't even let them fill your eyes, because if you did, there was an adult saying, "Be strong, don't be weak!  What are you crying for?"  If you attempted to explain, the mean-spirited adult would cut you off, attack your explanation, send you to bed, or worse spank you to so-called toughen you up.  The adults were supposedly training children to be strong by doing these things, when all they created was nothing more than future psychopaths.

Children who violated any of these rules were punished for talking too much, trusting someone, or expressing emotion that even looked a little bit like you were disrespecting a parent even though this wasn't always true.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

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Over 20 years office work experience, six years completed college coursework, background in print media and communications, recognized for exceptional attendance and received merit increase for past job performance, self-published author and part-time entrepreneur, Internet marketing and social media experience. Interned for non-profit organization, women's group and community service business. Additional experience: teaching/training others, customer service and sales. Learn more at Nicholl McGuire and Nicholl McGuire Media

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