Nicholl McGuire on Raising Sons

When I wrote When Mothers Cry, the reaction from fellow mothers was just what I had imagined.  The head nod, the tears, and the questions were all to be expected after reading my book.  However, what really made me feel moved inside was when I heard from moms who were like me, raising sons.  It didn't matter whether we had fathers around or not, we all had our concerns about parenting boys. Time and time again we talked about how easy they were as compared to daughters to parent, but they too come with their share of challenges.  From the political agendas to emasculate them to relatives who were far from good role models, we moms shared our thoughts on and off the Internet and were at times visibly upset with what some of our sons had already been exposed to.

I will not say that since the birth of this blog it has been easy teaching, talking to, protecting, and shopping for children.  Not at all!  The journey has been difficult.  With one son who graduated this year from high school and three more to go, I have had my highs and lows.  Yet, I have no regrets divorcing, moving away, moving on, and having a faith.  God didn't put no more on me than I could handle.  Not every mother was built the same and not every mother can take what another mother can take--doesn't make anyone better than the other--we all have our challenges.

With the first two boys, everything played out in such a way that I know it was nothing but God who heard my prayers.  Without getting into too much detail, I will share that I was quite elated when I realized just how powerful prayer was (and still is) and how I could simply go to God with my concerns, wait on Him and see results.  I know that sometimes we get angry when people get in the way of our plans, but what I have learned is that when you have a faith, you can get God on the case and not feel like you have missed out on anything in your children's lives whether near or far.

The enemy thought years ago he had the upperhand on me before, during and after childbirth.  I admit I made my mistakes, but I never allowed them to consume me when it came to parenting my children whether part or full-time.  I refused to let mean spirited witnesses and self righteous Christians win with their wishes for my failure or vengeful behaviors because I didn't dance by the beat of their drums--lol. Some of you know what I am talking about because you have had to encounter everything from needy dads with all sorts of addictions to evil in-laws and everyone else in between.  Yet, no matter what you have heard or seen that you didn't agree with coming from judgmental folks, you still fight the good fight concerning your sons.  You stay focused on the future knowing that all you can do is show them better than you can tell them by being a good example.

I am most grateful to my Father in heaven for choosing me, a mere vessel, to impact so many through my hardships over the years.  I didn't understand at the time when I was crying what was really going on.  But I know now that serving a righteous God, you have to be right!  You have to do what is right and you have to walk right!  So I started with me, asking God to forgive me and later I learned to forgive others.

Parenting children, specifically sons, requires preparing them for leadership roles not mini-me roles. They will be leaders in workplaces possibly, in families, and elsewhere.  We are directing them to their rightful place as God intended--Adam and Jesus were both leaders.  They are to love and respect wives of their youth and their children and not to repeat the examples of children of darkness.  They are to be humble not prideful.  Choose love over hate.  Be kind to others rather than worry over what others can do for them.  They are to not only take but give and give generously.

I love my sons and I know part of loving them includes demonstrating tough love at times.  They are to not only hear about manhood, but see as well as experience it, God's way.  So in order to do that, they need their heavenly father above all else.  We are their mothers, but we are not God or doormats.  The weakness that they see in us is not there for them to manipulate, abuse, lust after, belittle, etc. but to learn from, provide support, and mature.  Where we are weak, God can use his called and chosen men to aid in making us strong.  Yet, if we don't do our parts not only preaching, but showing them by example, then we do them a disservice.

God bless our children.

Nicholl McGuire

Personal Experience Parenting Children During Spring Break

For many moms, spring break can be a nerve-racking time. As parents, we want to make sure our children are having fun while also making sure that all their needs are met and that they stay safe. For me, past spring breaks and other school breaks (especially winter break) were made even more challenging by the fact that I had four sons from two different relationships -- a tween and teen from my previous relationship plus an infant and toddler with my current husband back in 2007. 

The anxiety and stress of parenting didn't subside completely until one of the little ones started school about five years later. Then my last son began his school journey a year later due to his birthday being in December (school started in September). I wasn’t happy about that and so I enrolled him in a school program that helped young children get an early start. He was there part-time. I found the program through local advertising, but if anyone is interested, check with the school office to see if they have such a program. 

At times, I felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of organizing activities for four boys at once during school breaks, but I managed to press on through the challenges. One way I did this was by setting up structure in my household. I listed times and activities on a calendar posted on the fridge for the older ones and told them in advance what we would be doing. I also blocked off time for what I called "Do Nothing Time." They were expected to do just that. If not, the consequences were that they would not receive treats later and they didn't want me making a phone call to their dad either stating that they were misbehaving.

Do Nothing Time consisted of: napping (we usually had high energy activities prior to), lying down just daydreaming (lol), and sometimes there was the occasional request to read a book. However, there was no technology. This time usually lasted anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour if everyone was sleeping. While that was happening, I would conduct research on the latest local community activities, and read about blended families so that I could better understand any potential issues or difficulties we might encounter regarding the other parent and his family. 

Co-parenting can be tough, but it's important to remember that there are mutual benefits. When my ex-husband and I had conflicts, I would remind him of all the opportunities he was able to have with his free time while I had the boys — like vacationing or doing other things that made him happy. This also saved him money by not having to buy extra items for the kids when they stayed with me, such as clothes, toys, and whatever else they needed. In this way, co-parenting can be mutually beneficial if approached in a mindful manner. 

As spring break progressed, I was reminded of how much I love my children and our being together. We visited parks, went to the movies, danced, painted, went to church, played games, studied subjects that they weren't doing so well in school, and more. Often when everything got a bit too chaotic, I stepped back and watched as all four of my children laughed and played with one another. I'm so thankful for all those spring break memories -- reconnection, relaxation, and all the opportunities to show my children how much I care about them. 

We have another spring break coming up, but my two older sons are now grown men and the two younger ones are teenagers who work. Yes, time did fly since the time I first started this blog! So for those at-home moms who are constantly juggling parenting responsibilities from morning until night, spring break will present you with many opportunities to spend quality time with your children while also enjoying some well-deserved rest and relaxation, so make the most of it! 

As for those moms out there, who are feeling overwhelmed planning activities and handling spring break responsibilities, remember that it's okay to take a step back and enjoy the moments with your children as they grow up before your very eyes. Just think: spring break only comes around once a year! 

 I hope this post has been helpful for fellow at-home mothers looking for tips on how to balance parenting during a school break. Share your stories in the comments below! Until next time...Happy Parenting! 

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and the author of When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You’re Sorry.

Walking on Egg Shells When It Comes to Parenting Your Children the Right Way

Some of you reading this probably have some idea where I am going with this blog entry simply by reading the title.  I want moms everywhere to know that I can relate when you are trying to raise your children the right way and it seems every time you take two steps forward, there is someone in your circle who intentionally or absentmindedly puts your children two steps back by doing and/or saying foolish things when it comes to parenting them.

Now you may live with this person or there is a caretaker that makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells whenever you say something about your children to them.  Whether you say something in a polite way, angrily, or quietly, you can pretty much bet that this person is going to defend his or her actions, eye-roll, sigh, get quiet, ignore you, or point out your flaws, because they don't like you telling them what to do.  They don't like you stating what is best for your child, because they didn't come up with the idea, they may have not liked a certain thing when they were a child or whatever the reason maybe.

You say to yourself, "What have I got myself into?  Why did I allow this person to come into my life in the first place?  What was I thinking?"  You pray that God will protect your child from the foolishness of this person in the meantime while hoping for a better way to resolve your issues. 

Some people just don't get it.  You can tell them, "Please don't let the children do..." and they will go ahead and let the children do out of spite.  You think, "Who thinks like that?  What kind of person is this?" 

We all know you can't allow a child to partake in things that are reserved for adults.  I remember getting into a bad argument with someone about letting my children listen to a popular radio shock jock on their way to school.  He really got upset because this was one of a few ridiculous things he was doing.  So like a child he complained, "I always have to give up something!"

Any well-meaningful parent knows you can't raise a child without some kind of schedule.  And you definitely can't allow children to dictate what is best for them on a regular basis.  If this is the case, then we would have children running a muck just about everywhere.  What child wants to go to bed, take a bath, and refrain from eating sweets and desserts all day?  Yet, those parents and care-takers who felt deprived as children grow up to be boy men and girl women who want to give everything they never got to their children.  If only they would step back and see that all they are creating are little monsters, children who will one day expect the world to do what they want and if they don't, they will attempt to shake up society with their screams, yells and threats.  Unfortunately, there are jails around the world full of people with this kind of mindset.  Do fools really know what's best for children?  I think not.  That is why God made wise mothers, but some just don't use their common sense.  When this happens, we must find people, services and tools to help us with our parenting when we, us or they are doing a poor job!  We can't just sit by and be quiet on everything when it comes to parenting our children.  Yes, sometimes you won't want to say anything to that person with the ego handling your children, because you aren't in the mood to fight World War III, but there will be those moments that you ought to get in there, mom and fight the good fight for the best interest of your children!  If you were in court, the judge would make that choice for you, now wouldn't he or she?

We all have walked on egg shells around people who we thought were at first doing the right thing by our children, but then we later learned that they were really not doing all they could do because they lacked some parenting skills.  Some of you have years experience working with children while your partner doesn't.  So it would make sense that the inexperienced would be listening to the experienced, right?  However, that poor ego gets in the way of the fool, doesn't it?  The voice in his or her head says, "Oh she thinks she knows so much because...I won't listen to her.  I will just do things my way.  She thinks she is so right about everything anyway!"  It's unfortunate but that ego has cost many men and women their jobs, families, and more because it refused to reach a compromise.  On the other hand, when we don't consider one's ideas, we can also make our jobs harder than they ought to be. 

If you are one of those moms living in a home where you feel like your words are falling on deaf ears, the key is not to stop talking to this person who makes you feel like you are walking on egg shells; rather keep talking and do provide examples as to why the current way of doing things when it comes to parenting the children just isn't working.  You would then start implementing your own tactics.  Point out the successes. 

Sometimes the only way you can get through to someone is to allow them to fail.

Of course, there is an appropriate time for everything, so when you want to do something different you can always try your own strategies when you are alone with the children.  When you are teaching your children right from wrong, do not be bullied, shamed, or made to feel guilty when someone or a group doesn't like a certain parenting tactic you are using.  If it has been proven by experts and others, you know it has worked in the past, and it doesn't cause any harm or mental problems for the child, then you have to wonder why a partner or caretaker would give you so much flack about it?  Some one's ego must be put in check!  There may be some underlying issues going on with that person. 

As mentioned previously, there are those parents that have felt deprived as children by parents who were too busy, too angry, too upset, too drunk, too whatever to give them a nice life.  Therefore, these people grow up to be men with little boy needs and women with little girl needs--you know boy men and girl women.  They believe if they give children everything they want they will be okay.  But as we know, there are many people who once had everything, have nothing now.  Why?  Because they never learned how to appreciate and manage what they already have.  We are doing our children a disservice giving them everything they want!  If we left it up to children to raise themselves, they would never take a bath, brush their teeth, do their homework, stay up all hours of the night, go wherever, do whatever, and eat unhealthy. 

So to those moms out there who are currently living with someone who doesn't appreciate your efforts, criticizes your parenting skills (whether to your face or behind your back,) do what's right for your children anyway.  Continue to take up time with them.  Keep talking to your sons and daughters about the things that will make them good citizens later in life.  Surround yourself and children around like-minded positive people.  Limit the time they watch TV, play video games, surf the Internet, and do other things by giving them alternative tasks that benefit the whole household.  How can that one you live with or those others who care for your children complain when you are raising your children to be useful not only to yourself but others?

Eventually, that egotistical person or that "I think I know-it-all" caretaker who is helping you parent your children, will have to do one of two things, walk right or walk out!  Their choice.  Meanwhile, you just have a back-up plan. 

Nicholl McGuire

Read more by me at a blog entitled,  Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

No One Said Being a Mother Was Easy at Any Stage

If there was one thing I learned from experience and talking to other mothers, it isn't easy being a parent--it requires work mentally, physically and spiritually!  No matter what stage these boys were in from newborn to young adult, we had our share of parenting challenges.

A lot of what I personally went through emotionally in the past had much to do with trying to be all things to them even when I could have done the following such as: delegated responsibilities, limited or withheld spending my money--let someone else pay for something, avoided certain topics that I didn't feel I was ready to discuss, took more time-outs for self--without children, sought counseling rather than hold things in at times, build a personal network of strong mothers, and more.

The "should have, could have, would have..." internal speech did nothing more than brought on regrets and harsh criticism from myself or others who felt like they could say something not-so positive or encouraging.  Know-it-all moms, well they don't make the best listeners, now do they?  What I know now is what I am proactively doing: delegating, networking, saving, etc.  I refuse to be the mom feeling like it is me against "they," because I just want to see everyone happy.  I still have work to do concerning myself and parenting my children--by the love of God, I will do it!

These days I am so over trying to be the "best Mom" by being all things to them.  The boys are old enough to cook, clean, organize, schedule activities, make money, and a couple sons are responsible enough to shop for themselves utilizing their own budgets and saving money.

One child, still at home, shared just the other day with his father via text, "Mom didn't cook."  Excuse me!?  I yelled, "You know how to cook!  Why didn't you tell him, "You didn't cook!"  Looks like that one will have a hungry belly if he doesn't crack open a recipe book or search the 'Net.  He was quite confident that day he was going to get a hot fast food meal once again from dad, but he didn't cave in to the pressure.  Dad brought something home that needed to be cooked.  However, our son should have been in the kitchen cooking.  Dad cooked (sigh).  The child is almost 13 years old and cooked plenty of hamburgers and other foods in the past!  Why stop now?  Most of the things he selected when we went to the grocery store, he could just pop in the microwave!  Go figure!?

At this parenting stage, raising teens, I am dealing with the spirit of laziness and procrastination with two out of the four. The other two sons are older.  I am working on keeping the second eldest motivated to get a second job so that he can achieve his goal, getting his own place.  He needs two incomes.  The eldest he has his own place, but he rarely calls.  He says he is busy working, he has two jobs.  He knows cost of living isn't cheap when you are on your own.  I continue to encourage him when I do reach out--there is no turning back.  Son, enjoy the much sought after freedom like I did when I swung the door wide exiting my parent's home long ago :)

Remember staying up late nights because your child was sick, active, hungry, or crying due to a painful tooth coming in?  Well, these days the concern comes and goes when they are out at night whether riding or walking.  I spend time praying like I did when they were babies.  I refuse to lose sleep like I once did. God you got this!

Once they started walking, they were getting into whatever they could get into!  We bought fencing to keep them out of hazardous things and other items that we simply got tired of saying, "No, let's go over here...play with this toy."  Now we have to persuade two of the four boys to come out of their bedrooms and take a break from the screens.  There are battles sometimes.  The comforts in their bedroom will soon go away when it is time to start looking for a job.  They wanted so bad to explore their little worlds when they were younger, well soon they can when they are older!

Yes, motherhood hasn't been easy at any stage, but I manage.  I know that there is more to parenting young adults in the future; however, I will admit, I am so over having my own cute babies.  So I hear grandparenting is easy only when you can send them back home and they aren't often in your care--great!?

Nicholl McGuire  owner of this blog and author of When Mother's Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.

Don't Talk, Trust and Feel - Bad Parenting will Backfire

A crying mother, fearful of a partner, abused by her own mother, and bitter about her life decisions, teaches her children not to cry.  They are not permitted to do the following:  talk about what hurts to others, trust people who are only trying to help, and display emotion about something their parents did or didn't do.  Mom says, "Stop crying!  What happens in this house, stays in this house!  Don't tell me how you feel, I don't want to hear it!"  Many of her instructions may be given to her by the head of house, the father who has his own share of personality issues, the controlling matriarch or patriarch, or siblings who experienced their share of abuse.

In my personal experience, this "don't talk, trust, or feel" kind of parenting, was unhelpful, cold-hearted and at times downright dysfunctional.  I thought, "Does anyone take a step back and listen to how they sound laying down the so-called rules?  Has anyone bothered to question how stupid some of this is when it comes to parenting children?  Many sons and daughters raised by or around this sort of ignorant teaching, suffered as a result.  However, others awoke before things got to bad with their own children and vowed that some of this ignorance had to go!

Don't Talk

If a mother makes a habit of telling her children not to speak to her or others whether it is a good time to talk or not, what will be the outcome?  The children will most likely not talk much to her.  Ignore or avoid her when she wants to talk to them.  They may open up to relatives, friends, and strangers, but that all depends on how the mother's constant shutting her children up has affected them--sometimes social skills are hindered as a result.  Further, her children will most likely be cautious of connecting with those who are friendly with the mother for fear that things they might say will get back to her.  This unfortunately was my experience being around adults who didn't like children much.  These people felt children were more like flies that ought to be shooed away once they have received all they wanted from them i.e.) conversation, entertainment, money, etc.--yes adults did borrow money from children and didn't want others to know about it either!  The strategy with many of these controlling authority figures was to keep their shady lifestyles and practices private.

Don't Trust

The parents and  grandparents were good about telling grandchildren as well as adult sons and daughters not to trust this person and that one.  The strategy behind this was so that you would stay under the parent or grandparents rule--this I now know, but back then I thought it was solely about caring for the family.  The warnings happened so often in family circles to the point that it was any wonder we children had any friends.  Women and girls, boys and men weren't to be trusted whether family or not, the clerk at the local store wasn't trusted, the neighbor was up to no good, and friends couldn't come inside the family home or stay overnight, because they too couldn't be trusted!  In time, what does the child turned adult end up doing?  Falsely believing that most people can't be trusted.

Don't Feel

You are to shake pain off, hide tears or don't even let them fill your eyes, because if you did, there was an adult saying, "Be strong, don't be weak!  What are you crying for?"  If you attempted to explain, the mean-spirited adult would cut you off, attack your explanation, send you to bed, or worse spank you to so-called toughen you up.  The adults were supposedly training children to be strong by doing these things, when all they created was nothing more than future psychopaths.

Children who violated any of these rules were punished for talking too much, trusting someone, or expressing emotion that even looked a little bit like you were disrespecting a parent even though this wasn't always true.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

Lazy Parenting, Grandparenting - ineffective, selfish, little or no discipline

You are the mother who is the least favorite in your household.  You are the grandmother who has zero tolerance for foolish behaviors coming from spoiled grandchildren.  The critics don't like you when you admit that you take toys away, spank when necessary, or don't spend money or time on children when they are acting disrespectfully.  You are angered by those whose idea of good parenting is buying everything a child wants while spending most free days sitting down watching the child play with toys or doing very little just to say, "I'm a grandparent."  As the child grows up, there are no requirements from the ineffective parent or grandparent to do anything for the household.  No teachings on gratefulness, love, forgiveness, hard work, discipline, etc.

Critics who don't believe in "training up a child in the way he or she should go..." are typically ineffective when it comes to dealing with children.  They are the ones who seek ways to do things with children without having to be too involved.  However, their suggestions tend to be lazy like an uninformative "5 Tips..." instruction list that lacks detailed strategies.  The short cuts they use only fix things temporarily, but don't get long term results.  Sure, a toddler stops crying when he or she has food in his or her mouth, but is the issue of not touching grandma's favorite items resolved?  What about the tween who knows better not to curse, but insists on dropping a few nasty words anyway?  Is telling the child repeatedly to stop cursing resolving anything?  And how about the teen who walks away every chance he gets while disrespecting his mother, sister and other members of the family?  Is a long talk going to cut the behavior?

The people who allow children to get their way while fighting those who speak wise counsel about their beloved children in an effort to combat defiance, disrespect, and other challenges are those who are still very much wounded children.  The hurting (no matter the age) often think about their feelings and what negative things transpired when they were young, that they become ineffective parents.  They project their own personal experiences on to the other parent who is attempting to raise children to be responsible.  However, the wounded parent is going to try to save the day without casting away childish ways, feelings and more.  The hurting mother or father, with unresolved issues of the past, might even use children to gang up on the other parent or grandparent in the hopes that the "big, bad mom or dad" will just disconnect from children or grandchildren, leave the family home, divorce, or separate.  The past hurts and we all have our stories, but that should have no bearing on effective discipline and healthy attempts at parenting children to be responsible, productive and quality members of society.  This is something that lazy parents fail to see, rather  they insist on holding grudges against any authority figure who corrects their children.  They believe children are often right while adults responsible for them are wrong.  Despite the lies that drip from children's mouths, the mean-spiritedness that some may have, and the psychological assessments and grade proof that show a child is troubled in some way, the ineffective parents will continue to act as if their children are "fine, good alright, okay" when the evidence says otherwise.

Lazy parents and grandparents are also selfish.  They don't sacrifice their pleasures to be proactive in children's lives.  They provide the bare minimum when it comes to parenting a child and meeting physical needs. If the requested items the children or grandchildren want keep them out of their hair then they might buy them.  The motivation for getting them is the benefit to these selfish people more so then that of the child.  Another gaming console?  No problem.  The child will be preoccupied with that rather than request wanting to be a part of a sport which would require the parent or grandparent to drive them  to many events and stay for games.  If the child has many friends, the relative doesn't have to be involved that much since Tommy and Bobby's parents are taking the kids out and about most often.

When a lazy and selfish parent or grandparent is needed to step up to the plate and do more for his or her child due to things like:  slipping grades, needed school supplies, mental health aid, and physical needs, he or she complains, finds fault with the requestors, and may even punish the child in some way.  They hate being inconvenienced and they definitely don't want to dig deep into their pockets to pay for yet another needed item that is simply no benefit to them.

Rules need not apply to the parents and grandparents who think that defying authoritarians is something of a mental game that they might personally amuse themselves with.  They encourage children in covert or overt ways not to listen to mothers, teachers, doctors, employers and others when they should.  There will be those times in a child's life where listening just might save their lives. The father who tells sons not to pay attention to mom's instruction because "she is having a bad day, crazy...doesn't know what she is talking about..." is also indirectly teaching them to ignore all other females as well including teachers.  "Listen to me, Sons..." he emphasizes, yet in time the children will stop listening to their dad when his actions are inconsistent, self-righteous, controlling, and outright disrespectful. 

The same power and control tactics used to teach Junior or daughter to ignore, belittle, mistreat, and more the other parent or grandparent will come back to haunt these children later in their personal relationships.  Not only that, the negatively brainwashed children who grow up to become adults in need of committed partners just might have a hard time having quality relationships.  This occurs as a result of the child growing up witnessing or listening to many disrespectful incidents between parents, grandparents and others.  Later, he or she reasons that being loud, threatening, violent, or even giving silent treatment to one's partner is functional behavior when in all actuality it is dysfunctional.

As much as we might like or even love some of these people, who might think that they are making life easier for their children and grandchildren with all their coddling, spoiling, and more, the truth is they are really making it harder for them.  Giving Junior everything, taking his side on just about anything, and believing one to be a great parent or grandparent just because one doesn't believe a child needs more emotional support, is doing nothing more than raising another human being who believes his or herself to be entitled.  Wait until he or she gets out into the real world, surely the spoiled one will be humbled unmercifully.

Nicholl McGuire, author of When Mothers Cry, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and Say Goodbye to Dad.

How Many Burdens are You Willing to Place Upon Your Shoulders for Your Family?

No matter what you say, some mothers will not listen to sound advice.  The biggest problem for many moms is that they think they know-it-all when it comes to all things related to parenting.  But upon closer inspection of many families, you will quickly learn that there are a lot of mothers, especially if they are busy moms, that can tell you everything about their jobs, civic groups, child’s school, etc. yet very little about their family’s personal needs or struggles, they simply don’t know-it-all.

Some moms will quickly take offense when asked  the question “why” about their family situation.  They will start hiding truth, telling lies and snap back with how they know this and that about their intimate relationship, sons, daughters and challenging situations on the home front.   They don’t need anyone to tell them otherwise.  Meanwhile, interview the family members and they might say something different (that is if they aren’t fearful of mom or worried about being disloyal).
 

Being busy is to blame for why a mom is not up on her family needs (the kind of busyness that was never God ordained, but more like being covetous and desiring to be all that society demands a mom to be).  Some moms are more concerned about getting one’s own needs met, goals accomplished and appearances kept up; rather than really sorting out whether her thoughts and deeds are conflicting with her family.  The truth of the matter is there are those moms who are listing everything they want to do for their children while the sons and daughters are quietly saying, “That’s what you want mom, but what about me?  Do you hear me?  I’m not interested in going to college…I’m not interested in your associations…I rather not go where you are, work at your company or even wear what you buy me!”  But is mom listening and stepping back?

God doesn’t put any more on a mother than she can bear.  But what do most moms do?  Take on tasks that are better suited for her family while ignoring all sound advice.  What should we do?  Let loved ones fail sometimes.  That’s life!  Permit your family to make choices without your input periodically.  Create an atmosphere where everyone isn’t dependent on you.  But nope, mom is superwoman!  She upsets her stomach and head trying to do everything for her family who can do for themselves!  Then she cries out to God, “Why?  Why don’t they listen?  Why won’t they meet me half way?  Why do they cause me so much grief?”  May I just remind you that you brought many things on yourself including an insatiable need for more money, more money and more money!  Instead of delegating responsibilities, reducing work hours, asking others to step up to the plate, and more.  Everyone has a responsibility to manage self and household from picking up toys to running errands but the question is, “When will you step back?  When will you feel comfortable to let people in your household do some things on their own?”

Moms are supposed to TRAIN a child, yet some did everything for their children, who are now adults, hoping that one day they will reap the rewards of all their sacrifices from their children.  But can I say that from my personal observation of many families, most sons and daughters create families of their own who become busy and have little time for moms.  So if you are waiting for the big payback, keep waiting, you may never see it in this lifetime.

There is a difference between a parent training, and a parent doing for his or her family.  Why is it so easy for a career mom to get that point when it comes to the workforce, but when it comes to her household she is at a loss?

A number of moms are currently so stressed and angered about their family situations and struggle with the question of “Why did things go from bad to worse?”  Could it be, for some moms, that all their preaching and bragging about how much she loves her family and “we never have any problems like those other families…” has now come back to haunt her?  Could it be that she has become a slave to her family because she took on far too many roles and gave her Creator just a little lip service in the process?   “Help me Lord…sorry don’t have much time for prayer…can’t remember when I last read your Bible, you know my kids and all…I mean I know you gave me my family, and when I have time, I will check in--just answer this prayer for me, thanks.”  Meanwhile, her husband isn’t permitted to live out his role, because she is running everything, so he just sits back and watches TV, hangs out with friends, etc.  She doesn’t need him she thinks, because “I got this…”  The sons and daughters are not allowed to live out their roles because “Mom will take care of it.”  So mom feels like she has to be all things to all people.  Then when she is informed of all of her unwise decision-making, forgetfulness, and busyness, she wants to throw a fit?  She cuts conversations short.   She yells and curses.  She gossips to friends about “the nerve of some people…”  She goes for weeks at a time ignoring wise counselors.  Why?  Because she doesn’t want to hear the truth, because she thinks she knows-it-all.

Think about this mom if this blog entry describes you, the next time you do your child’s homework, write your child’s essay to get into college, lie on an application to get some benefits, take on yet another task for your husband or boyfriend, put yourself in further financial bondage to help someone, rob yourself of peace of mind because you just have to do yet one more thing, make negative comments about how others deal with their families, brag about yourself and family… know that God sees all!   Allow Him to make your burdens light and if you don’t believe in Him or can’t hear from Him, at least, listen to his messengers before you have no family, no good health, or nothing good to say about anything simply because you choose not to change the way you think and do some things differently in your life.

We falsely assume that stress and opposition always has something to do with the devil or evil, when sometimes these things arise as warnings to let us know the following:  that the time isn’t right, we aren’t making the best decisions right now, we ought to save time and money for a future pressing need, or slow down because a crisis is ahead.  If we just pay close attention to the red flags, we could easily make our burdens light.  Take a moment to think about those things that are causing you some difficulty and start lightening your load. 

   

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:30, NIV

Nicholl McGuire, Author of When Mothers Cry, Amazon.com.  She also has another parenting blog, besides this one here.

A Word from Blog Owner and Author of When Mothers Cry Encouraging Expectant Mothers

 Dear Expectant Moms,

I know that being pregnant and preparing to become a mom can be overwhelming. You may be questioning your readiness and feeling like you don’t have the support or resources to get through it. But I am here to reassure you that becoming a mom is an amazing experience, and with the right guidance, you can do it.

Being a mom will bring plenty of joy and great moments that you can’t even begin to imagine. Your bond with your child will be unparalleled, and the feeling of motherhood is incomparable. As a new mom, you have an incredible opportunity to shape this little person’s life by showing them love and guiding them through their development.

Teen moms may be especially worried about not being ready, but you have time to prepare for the task of parenting. You can start by exploring your options and learning more about the resources available to you. For example, many states provide programs specifically designed to meet the needs of pregnant or new moms who are in high school. These resources may include financial assistance, prenatal care, and even support services for parenting.

No matter what age you are, remember that you can be a great parent with the right tools and guidance. Utilize your family and friends for advice and moral support as well as national resources to provide a solid foundation for you on your parenting journey.

You got this!

I am a wife, mother of four sons and have relocated many times in my life. Through each life challenge I have learned perseverance. When you continue to rise above circumstances, you are a better teacher, spouse, parent, employee...so stay strong! For more information about my journey, check out When Mothers Cry available on Amazon. God bless.

Nicholl 

Mom, Why Did I Have Children? Those Feelings of Regret

This isn't the time for a speech on loving one's children.  This isn't a time for anyone to brag on how grateful they are when it comes to being a parent.  A woman somewhere in this world is having an emotional breakdown due to the anxiety she feels about being a parent.  She is weary of children who misbehave, who are favored by partners, and spoiled rotten by grandparents.  She is angry that no one seems to listen after giving birth to yet another child.  She is frustrated when no one wants to take her children for awhile so she can just think--get her mind back.

"Mom, why did I have children?" the downtrodden mother asks anyone who listens including her self.  "You really didn't mean to say it in the way that you did, but hey it's out now," says a concerned voice. 

Your real feelings about parenting are out in the open--now deal with them.  No judges are in the room.  No prideful moms and self-righteous partners.  Let's be honest, you worry too much about yourself, your children and everything else in between.  You might have lied for sons and daughters in need of your help.  You might have promised your children the sun, moon and stars, so to speak.  It is your hope that your children will be good citizens, great partners, educated, successful, winners...yes, we all want the same.  But mom is tired!  She has been fighting the good fight lately--making sacrifices and her patience has been worn thin.  She has been understanding, warm, kind, and caring to all she has encountered in the past, but her kindness has been taken for weakness.  With so much going on (or maybe not enough,) mom is bitter about quite a few things and those who supposedly know her, don't seem to get it.  This is when things can become dangerous for moms who are headed on that path of no return where something or someone has disturbed them mentally--you don't want to wallow too deeply in your frustration with your children.  Look for something that makes you happy when it comes to parenting.  Find something that makes you feel whole again that has nothing to do with children.  Think of ways to snap back to your content self.  When was the last time you were away from children?  What might you need to do differently in your daily schedule?  What do you need to cut out?  Who might you start enlisting to help you?

Busy people with problems aren't interested in mom's issues.  Men who are busy making money don't want to think too deeply about what mom is saying/confessing/screaming.  Crying children don't hear mom.  You know the rest.  You most likely are the mom who has been keeping much inside while you smile at other moms and wonder, "Does she ever wish she didn't get pregnant?  I wonder if she ever tires of her children?  Is there something wrong with me that I just wish I would have been anything but a mom?"

Feelings of regret happen to not only the poor, sad moms of this world, but the best, brightest, most successful moms too that take a pause every now and then to ask their Heavenly Creator, "Why?"  But the real question is, "Why not?"  Why not be taught how to love beyond self?  Why not learn patience and virtue through the most unlikeliest sources?  Why not experience the hand of God through a child?  Why not share what you know with one who is an extension of you--a second chance at creating a newer and improved you?

Why not?

Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog and shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

    

Very Part-Time Mothering

Some of us get what we pray for! In my experience, the opportunity to live my life without my children for long stretches at a time. I asked God recently to uplift me from some of my parenting responsibilities, because it was literally making me sick and he did just that! Some happy-go-lucky parents (and those who have lost their children to death) will be very critical without even considering the details. Others will be curious while some may even be jealous, wishing the same for themselves. For those wondering why pray such a prayer, I'll tell you...

Years ago, before the pro-life activists got a hold of me and told me that abortion was wrong, I had thought of the "what ifs" in my life as young as 15 years old. What would happen if I became pregnant, how would everyone react? What if my teenage boyfriend and I decided we didn't want the child? What if I couldn't get over what I had done? What if he wanted the child? Well back then I had a scare, which only turned out to be nothing more than a late period because I had recently joined the track team. Although I had protected myself, the condom found its way inside rather than outside and we were fishing for it, so that is why I was very scared back then that I could be pregnant. So years later, as an adult with four children and the opportunity in my life to have two families and be a stay-at-home mother in both failed relationships, I have decided to go ahead and let the fathers keep our sons. I could have fought with one father in the court again and win them back. Meanwhile, take the burden off the other father and collect a child support check, but why? Some would argue, because their your children, well they are theirs too. Because you don't want another woman raising them, well she won't be the only influence in their lives and besides I could use her help too. Because you are a better parent than they are, I could be, but it's the fathers' turn to figure things out like I did while they worked.

You see, I have read about so many women fleeing with children in tote with a little bit of nothing to offer them while the fathers live better, have more, and can ultimately afford more than she could ever give her children. As I write I think of one of the fathers telling me how he is going to put our two sons in private school. Sounds great, but on my wages (a writer and a secretary -- it may never happen?! But if he can, more power to him!) You see, I am done trying to prove myself (with tears in my eyes, a hand on my forehead, and unbelievable PMS issues- which are being treated) to a society who tells me what motherhood should look like -- what's good for the goose isn't necessarily what's good for this gander! I love my children, God knows I do, but there is something deep within that just can't fully wrap myself around the idea of society's definition of mother. It isn't the typical Webster's dictionary definition that I argue with, but it's the societal view that we shouldn't voice our burdens about motherhood; rather be grateful and feel blessed, as well as "the all mothers go through this" societal attitude, "so just live with it" when we are seeking help.

Just like we wanted equal rights as women to vote, to work, and to play sports, I want equal rights when it comes to my choice of how often I want to mother my children. For me the annual spring break, winter break, and shared summer break, works best for me -- thank you very much!

I think of those women who are gasping for air, struggling to breath, heart pounding, shaking violently, and wishing for someone to go get their pills so that they can swallow a substance designed to bring them back to a life they are so tired of living! (I know because I been there!) Mother awakes to baby cries, changes diapers, feeds, plays, rocks, nurses, teaches, cleans, sacrifices her personal life, and so on and so fourth...while an unsupportive partner, who doesn't even bother to help her when she is sick, says, "I prefer you stay home with the children. I don't want them in daycare. I don't think this relationship is working. I don't think you should say that to our child. I don't think you should feed our child that...I don't think that you should buy our child this..." How about I think fathers and self-righteous family and so-called friends should, "Shut up!" If it isn't something that is hurting the child, leave the mother alone! Further, when she is down and out, why kick her? Why expect her to be something she doesn't or can't be in the midst of her illness?

You see, in the end I have learned it isn't my family and I being buried in the same grave together, it's just me! So if I have some people around me that feel like they can do a better job than me, then so be it and who cares what society thinks! I'm all for very part-time mothering! Men have been very part-time fathers for centuries, so if they want to make up for lost time, then God bless them!

Protect Your Sacred Motherhood - Ordained to Bring Life, Protect, Love and Then Let Go

Who might you be, Mother?  A mere mortal used to bring life into a troubled world or one who was chosen by a Creator to experience something so holy one cannot express in words?  Whatever this label we call "motherhood" let us walk in it and experience all that it has to offer on a much higher level, one that even the men who helped us bring life into this world couldn't fathom.

You see while men go about their days working, feeling good about their material accomplishments, and behaving in ways whether good, bad or otherwise at work and elsewhere, we spiritual mothers must take needed time to ponder our roles--re-evaluate what we are doing and not doing as well as how we can usher our families forward through life challenges.

So foolish we are to take our mommy roles so lightly, we sometimes act like the immature children we raise.  We carelessly move along in life hoping/wishing/praying for the best without thinking what path shall we direct our children, based not on our selfish needs, but those that our Creator has shown us.  Those of us, who know better, place children in the right direction but when they object, we take them off the right path and place them squarely in the middle of  the crossroads while yelling, "You pick!  I'm sick of this...Why is he/she always crying about whatever I tell him or her!  I give up!"  Of course that is what men, women and children of darkness would want.  "Please give up mother, we have a role for your child.  Don't stress, why not busy yourself, we will pick a path for him or her?  We know how overwhelmed you tend to be crying mother, here sit down, we will help your children."

For some of you readers, you should feel motivated to want to do some things differently when it comes to parenting.  Take a look at the decisions you made so far.  Are you happy with them?  What more do you have to do?  What is causing you great concern these days regarding your role, your children, and relationship?  Is there anything in your power you can change?

So far, you have protected your children from those unexpected dangers, pain, evil, and more.  The love is evident for many moms while others not so much, but one day you will need to let go whether you finally get it when it comes to be loving, kind, nurturing, etc. or not.  You will still need to free those babies turned adults one day if you want them to have healthy, successful lives with someone other than you.  Unfortunately, far too many moms call sons and daughters back to the nest and then cry and complain about why they won't go.  Mothers, you will need to trust that whatever knowledge, tools, and other things you have given your children will be good enough in school, at a relative's home, daycare, in stores, on field trips, at a workplace, in a marriage, etc.

Society doesn't want any believers in a righteous God to live out their calling as mother.  There is ample evidence to prove this including the sheer number of opportunities, temptations, false teachings, and more that are given to families to separate them not only from children but from all things spiritual.  Dad mocks biblical teachings.  Children rebel about not wanting to listen or read anything spiritual.  There is tension in the air when God is mentioned and so mom goes into hiding careful not to rock the boat with things like rules, order, discipline, wise counsel, etc.  She becomes nothing more than a babysitter, a servant, or a picture on the wall decorating the home.  She lives there and maintains the environment, but that is really all she does.  No life lessons are ever taught.

While you believe that what many call is "help" for mom, the truth is upon closer inspection there is little sincere help!  There are money-grabbers, soul snatchers, users, and abusers.  If you don't give up something to get that help, you and/or children are banned, left out, put out, and/or hurt.  Keep giving someone or a group what they want and you get all the assistance you need.  

While you are concerned about your children becoming victims of tragic circumstances, know that you too can be a potential victim having first your mind (mother's wisdom) robbed from you, then your sons/daughters, and last your soul.  Think twice about what you put before your eyes and your children's and know the difference between right and wrong and keep enforcing the rules!  The of discipline is still very popular in many circles.  Start by reading the word of God.  See Proverbs 22:6 if you haven't already.

Nicholl McGuire

When Fathers Put Everyone Else First But Her

Whether you have been to a family gathering or have talked with a relative or friend over the phone, there are those times that they will say something to you that will offend you regarding your parenting skills. Some mothers will tell their own relatives or friends about how their negative statement or action made them feel. However, when your husband’s or boyfriend’s family or friends are the offenders, things can get tricky. Most women will tell their mates about what was said, so that their mate is updated on any potential problems that may threaten their family. Some women will want their men to do something about family issues since they don’t feel that it is their place to say something. However, when mothers are protective of the family and the fathers are too busy, too tired, and too passive or too whatever to do something about it, mothers will get angry with tears of frustration in their eyes screaming, “Aren’t you going to say something? Aren’t you going to do something?”

When a woman becomes a mother there is something deep down within her spirit that is affected. She becomes strong in areas where she was once weak. She develops an intuition also known as women’s intuition. Some mothers see potential family problems sooner than others. These mothers are blessed with a third eye that can see an attack made against her family from miles away. It isn’t that she has become some trouble-making gossip, although there are some women who are, but she doesn’t want his or her family coming into her home with their jealous, hidden motives and other selfish tactics now that she has bore children.

Some family members see the birth of children as an opportunity to control, manipulate, restore or break relationships. What a great way, so the family thinks, to get their distant son to do things he has never done with the family now that children are here? Why not get him to partake in family traditions, spend more time with parents or anything else they want, because of course he is a father now! When children are born into a relationship, some extended family observed what has changed and not changed since their beloved son or daughter has become a mother or father. Any selfish family member is looking at how the arrival of children will or will not benefit them. For instance, let’s say the father of your children was very close to his family before you and the children came along. Now he seems to be more focused on his new family needs and less on theirs, he would be a fool to think that his family would not say or do something to draw him near again. Family will do things no matter how nice, charming or outright negative to get what they want. Have you ever watched the television sitcom, “Everybody Loves Raymond” if so the mother-in-law is a good example of this sort of behavior? Family will attempt to get what they want by using underhanded motives such as finding fault with the children’s mother so that they can spend time with the new grandchild, niece, nephew, etc. alone without the mother coming around. How about getting the father to take money out of the family budget for what they consider more pressing needs? What about using guilt trips such as “I never see you…or I want to see the grandchildren.” Then they talk negatively behind the new father’s back or don’t bother to go out of their way to come and see his family.

An intuitive mother sees family’s negative actions with a third eye. She doesn’t wear rose-colored glasses and she attempts to get her husband to take off his rose-colored glasses when problems arise. But the real issue the mother has isn’t with her husband or boyfriend’s relatives as much as it is with him. How is he going to react when the old family has done something to offend his new family? Will he find “nice statements” to say to his wife or girlfriend that will excuse his family’s behavior; and hopefully pacify her or will he address the problems his side of the family causes while making it comfortable for her to come around without backlash?

Being a mother isn’t just about her children, but it’s also about maintaining an image of respect, dignity and wisdom amongst anyone who encounters her. She must carry herself at times like a minister of a church. Being a public servant for others, always watching what she says or does around others, while taking care that her children’s father’s needs are met. But what about her needs? When she is faced with the obstacles set before her by his family and friends, who will have her and the children’s backs? Will it be another family member standing in the gap where he falls short? Will this family member or friend be the one telling him, “You better change your ways or else you are going to lose your family?” Or will this selfish family member sit on the side lines gossiping with other family members saying, “I knew that he wasn’t going to make it with her.”

Why don’t some of these fathers have the gift of the third eye or male intuition when his family is being verbally assaulted by others in between their phony grins? When will these fathers wake up and understand that there is an enemy who wants them out of the family home and out in the street looking for temporal things to make them happy for only a moment? Mothers are crying about all sorts of issues regarding fathers from them leaving the home to them being inactive in the home. They want the fathers to be models for their children, but when they don’t stand up for the mothers and the children, there will be disharmony in the household and the only ones to blame are themselves.

Mothers need to stop taking the blame for these fathers who mishandle money, cheat, lie, steal, and put everyone else before the family and anything else that breaks up the family unit. We spend money for self-improvement books, plastic surgery, counselors, and so much more because we think that somehow we can fix all that is wrong in our relationships with the fathers and our children. But the reality is that it takes two to work on any relationship and not just one. It is very easy for some people to make the necessary adjustments in their relationships and all is well, but there are many more that can’t and rather then make the arrangements to establish boundaries and/or end relationships, we hold on to them thinking things will get better when they won’t. There are children who wish that mommy and daddy did go their separate ways, because maybe there would be some peace and quiet while they slept at night. Some children notice the relationship problems of their parents and blame themselves wishing that they could just die. Meanwhile, we adults think that we are doing the children a favor by staying together.

I remember when I finally got the bright idea to leave my relationship and I was glad I did. Later, I asked my children how they felt about mommy and daddy breaking up and they told me they were glad, because they were “tired of the arguing.” So to all the mothers who think that staying with these fathers who rather put everyone else and everything else before the family, I say, “Be prepared to nurse the wounds of your children when they are older.”

Staying on the phone talking with your family and friends about his “no good, sorry, good for nothing…” doesn’t motivate you to walk out the door, ironically it keeps you staying in the mess, because so-called well-meaning family and friends will say things that will cause you to second-guess your decisions, “You should stay with Jim, he has all that money. What will you do if you go? I would put up with it for as long as I can it’s hard to find a good man.”

When the time comes to make plans to leave the relationship, think about who is the better parent. If he treats the children better than you do, then you should strongly consider leaving them behind and arranging visitation. Think about how your staying in a dead end relationship is impacting not only you, but in the short and long-term your children? Although I didn’t want to, the court decided for me, who was the better parent financially to care for the children, so they gave him physical custody. I could have fought him on it, but when I really thought about it, he is the better parent for raising sons, not me. I have never been a boy or man so I don’t know what internal struggles they go through when it comes to identity. It was hard for me to come to grips with this truth, but I think that I have a better relationship with him and my children because of it.

A hard lesson I learned about motherhood is that sometimes you can be a better mother to your children at a distance. Society would like to judge you for something that goes against tradition, but only you know what you can and can’t handle. Yes, you will cry a lot having to say goodbye to your children, but through your pain, you will become a stronger and wiser woman because of it. I learned that I was a woman first, before I became a mother; therefore there is a spirit within me that surpasses the title of mother. It is due to the strength of my spirit within (powered by God Almighty) that I will live long after the children make friends, move away, get married, or die. Women without a spiritual strength within that keeps them motivated to live, will suffer enormously when the children move away, get married or die, because they have allowed their spirit to live through their children. A mother who taps into this same inner strength will be able to overcome when the father puts everyone else before the family. She will take over as head of household and ensure that everything runs smoothly. Through her tears, she will sacrifice everything else because of her children. A mother will protect her family when the father won’t.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, for more of her writings visit http://www.associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Family Trips and Useful Ideas - YouTube

Create a YouTube page today and share some of those family trips!  I started this one:

Family Trips and Useful Ideas - YouTube - budgettraveltips

Feel free to connect with me on YouTube.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and mother of four sons.  She is originally from Pittsburgh Pennsylvania relocated to San Diego, downtown Los Angeles and then found her way to Columbus Georgia recently.  She writes articles, poems and books related to parenting, spirituality, relationships, and business while maintaining this blog.

Thanks for visiting! @nichollmcguire - Twitter

Why Me? Motherhood Wasn't What I Wanted But It Happened

Kneeling beside my bed in my studio apartment in 1997, I began to pray, not because I was in need of anything in particular, but just because I could whenever I wanted. You see, I was single. No man, no children, no roommates, no pets, absolutely no one lived with me that I had to feel obligated to talk or care for and it felt good – too good.

So while I am kneeling beside my bed waiting for God to speak to me, I am suddenly saddened like someone getting ready to hear some of the worst news of his or her life. I didn’t quite know why I felt that way until I heard an audible voice from within my spirit, saying, “You will be a mother some day and you will marry.” This news was not what I wanted to hear. I was looking forward to hearing something else such as God telling me to attend a Bible college or do some missionary work, anything but this! I cried my first cry about being a mother. These were real tears, gut wrenching! I became angry all the while as I cried asking God, “Why?”

I couldn’t help but think about all of the women who wanted children in the world and hear I was being called to motherhood and marriage. I had just got out of an abusive relationship, so the last thing I wanted in my life was something else to test my patience and nerves. For the first time in my life I was sincerely happy and at peace in my eclectic looking apartment cheaply decorated with abstract art on poster board along the walls, decorated plastic containers and crates turned on their side to simulate bookcases.

Then again maybe I wasn’t really happy as I wanted everyone around me to believe during that time in my life. Loneliness had been my kryptonite back in the 90s. Like superman, this superwoman fell weak to my imagination of one caressing and kissing me and longed for my dreams to become real—a debonair gentleman to come into my life and sweep me off my feet and out of my boring routines. Yet, at the same time, I wanted to stay in my apartment and never interact with anyone unless I absolutely needed to, simply because my heart still ached over my past riddled with verbal and physical assaults from men who claimed they loved me.

What was so bad about my being called to motherhood and marriage? I really don’t know. I can’t seem to pinpoint exactly what had occurred when I was a child that caused me to disdain the possibility of me one day being a parent. I remember thinking back to those childhood days when I found marriage to be troublesome. I saw people around me looking at their mates as if they were sickened and/or aggravated by them. I saw the frustration in parents’ eyes when their children did just one more thing to make them yell, scream, cuss or whip them. Parenting was definitely not something I saw in my future. I remember my mother saying, “What if one day you meet a man and fall in love with him, you may want to have children.” I was still adamant in my beliefs when I responded to her, “I still don’t want any children and I don’t want to be with the same person for the rest of my life that is boring!” I remember her being hopeful about my future when she commented, “You are still young, you may change your mind when you are older.” I had hoped that I wouldn’t.

As I pondered the news God gave me about motherhood and marriage, I remembered a radio interview on a Christian station. When the interviewer asked the guest about the various callings God had made on his life, he commented that he may not have liked everything God put on his plate, but he ate anyway. I thought about my own calling. Although this idea of being a mother wasn’t what I had in mind, I could accept it; however, the challenge I had was to try an convince the little child within me that it was okay that our Father in heaven knows what’s best for us. As I began to think more about motherhood, I realized I really hadn’t come to terms with being a mother even when I learned almost two years later that I was pregnant and I felt guilty that I wasn’t married first even though God was already aware of the order of events. I had often wished during the pregnancy that God would take the baby from me, and could I get “a do over” roll for my life?

I didn’t like the thought of how the baby would impact my future, those around me and how the baby changed me mentally or physically. What exactly did I have planned for my future in 1997 anyway? I really didn’t know. I had been educated at very good universities and had a resume two pages long! I allowed myself for the first time in my life to awake each day with no focus other than to work at my data entry job, pray to God, eat, read, shower, go to sleep and awake the next day to do it all over again each and every day until God told me different. Up until that point in 1997, I had never had a dull moment in my life! For me to behave that way back then was almost insane to those who knew me. I was never one for not having a plan for my present and my future. I never had an opening in my schedule that was ever left for God, casual reading or just sitting down and relaxing. I sometimes wonder had I allowed myself to keep busy would I have ever entertained a single thought of desiring the touch of a man.

The opportunity to abort my baby had been given to me by a nurse, who said it was a requirement to ask, but I didn’t have the mindset to think twice about it since being influenced by talk shows that provided details of the procedure and biblical teachings discouraged me. I asked God, I told God and sometimes I swore at God about allowing this to happen to such a sinner. I almost pleaded, “This isn’t what I wanted…” To that, he said nothing.

I was angry with God because I was mere flesh who hadn’t been strong enough to turn sex away. My happiness about being alone had wore off quickly. I became like so many single, lonely women desiring a companion that would make me feel complete. The chance I took that night to allow my lover to enter me unprotected could have resulted in much more than a baby. Exactly how many times we slept together unprotected, before I became pregnant I don’t remember, all I recall was we hadn’t known each other that long before the “surprise” came. I remember wondering why my belly continued to grow despite my participation in professional physical fitness training and watching my diet.

I don’t know if God told me this or if I reasoned it, but I started to believe that God gave me, the gift of motherhood, because he planned to use the children in the future, not only for his glory, but to create a new and improved me. In the past, I noticed as young as fifteen that having children made some young women act mature beyond their years. They seemed to have a more settled demeanor about them and they viewed the world a lot differently after having babies. Pregnancy seemed to mold and shape them into women that had more compassion for others, became less selfish, and provided an insight about life they would have otherwise never had.

Why wasn't the information and counseling readily available for women when they didn't want to abort, but didn't want to keep the child either after giving birth? Where are the support groups for mothers-to be who don’t want to be mothers, but are too afraid to tell anyone they don’t want their child and rather put him or her up for adoption? Who holds pregnant women’s hands when they have second thoughts about being mothers? Although I struggled with the idea of being a mother throughout my pregnancy and often wished that God would take his blessing back, nothing prepared me for the day I saw my baby’s eyes. With tears in my eyes and when no one was looking, I quickly asked God, in a quiet whisper, for forgiveness. “Please forgive me Lord I didn’t know what I was thinking or saying. Thank you for giving my child life.” The baby looked at me as if God used his eyes to reply, “You are forgiven.”

Three children later (a grand total of four) I have never asked God to take any of them like I did with the first, but I have requested that he bless me with the wisdom and the strength to stand before the obstacles set before me. I have repeatedly commanded that God send his angels down to help me quiet a crying child. I have also prayed to God far too many times to count to give me peace of mind. For there are times that I felt as if my head would come off and I would lose my legs to stand, because of the stress of raising children. Sometimes my own cries drowned out my children’s moans, sighs, whines and screams. When I am feeling at my worse, I go to some faraway place in my mind where I can’t hear them and for that moment I feel okay. I get off my knees or out of the chair I am sitting in when this happens and proceed to wash the dirty dishes, clean the crumbs off the floor, make a bed, sort some laundry, go out for a walk (when daddy is home) or get on the phone. For I know that if I allow my mind to stay in that far away place that drowns out the sounds of children too long, they may hurt themselves, but if I come out of that far away place too soon and don’t allow myself enough time to cry a good cry, then I may be the next woman on the news.

A mother-to-be goes through so many mental and physical changes. It doesn’t give her any encouragement about her calling when there are so many miserable mothers around her trying to advise her on childbirth and childrearing. They are telling her things like, “I didn’t want to see my baby’s face after all she put me through…I was ready to hurt my child about…His dad was no help to me…The baby didn’t allow me to get any sleep, I was ready to throw him out the window…” The new mother is definitely not ready for what is ahead when she can’t see the bright light at the end of the tunnel and the women around her don’t bother to be a beacon of light for her. In her mind all she hears herself saying is, “I am not ready for this!”

One day while walking my children, I had a conversation with a neighbor about children. She said she never wanted any. I couldn’t help but think why was it that she got her wish and I hadn’t. She reasoned that God didn’t allow it to happen to her, because he knew in her heart that she truly didn’t want any. She said she loved her nieces and nephews and were grateful for them. I had wanted the same, no children, at least so I thought, but maybe God knew my heart better than I knew it and gave them to me anyway.

Another day, I had been walking my children again and saw two pregnant women walking side by side. I couldn’t help but speak to them while they smiled and waved to both of my sons riding in a double stroller. They asked if I had twins, I said, “No, they are fifteen months apart.” They commented on how cute they were. As we exchanged small talk, I remember saying something to encourage them, although I have since forgotten what I said, I do recall how they reacted, they smiled.

I guess my only request for mothers who are around expectant mothers is to be lighthouses for them. Direct them toward the light that will give them the strength to keep going even when they are experiencing dark waters, raging storms, and heavy winds in their lives.

Written by Nicholl McGuire

Abused? You will survive. Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

The baby is crying yet again, another bill has gone unpaid, and you are ready to lose your mind from all the stress about yet another woman calling his phone...some of you reading this get the picture, others not so much, but good for you a man isn't your problem, money is good, and baby is calm!
However, there are many moms who don't have the luxury of having a peaceful, drama free household.  Someone somewhere is going to stay up a little later than usual tonight, because she is being abused yet again by a mate who says he loves her.  With tears in her eyes, she is going to call out to God to give her the strength to leave, while her mind says, "What about this...and what about that...?  Stay." 

I think back to those times when I had far too many headaches, backaches, and stomach aches, because of one thing or another with man, baby, health, and finances.  Yet, through it all, I made it out of those past storms while still having the strength to walk through current ones! 

Days, weeks, months, and years have gone by of crying and complaining.  Yet, now I made it to that point in motherhood where you finally realize that nothing is so serious, so bad, so anything that you can't rebound from as long as you have breath in your body!  Childhood issues, I survived.  Physical abuse, I survived.  Emotional abuse I survived.  Four childbirths, I survived.  Bad church experiences, I survived.  Many relocations and job losses, I survived.  Divorce, I survived.  Children with their share of problems, still surviving!  Shall I go on?

I observe many women and men with sons and daughters looking stressed when their children are around.  Sometimes the expressions on their faces seem to worsen when a partner says one too many things to some of these men and I wonder what is home life like for these people.  "I don't want to hear it..." the eyes say.  "Are you listening to me?" the one doing all the talking says.  He ignores the mother of his children as if she is a stranger. 

For some men, they can't handle children crying, a mate nagging, and other responsibilities that come with parenting so they freak out!  One too many requests, a negative tone of voice from a wife or girlfriend topped with misbehaving children and an angry man with a short fuse is ready to swing, push, shove, or kick the one who is doing what?  All the talking, crying or both.

There is no excuse for anyone being hit or slapped in the mouth for talking or crying--none!  It doesn't matter how loud or wild the words come out a mouth or where the mouth is directed, one should not have to endure anyone physically harming him or her.  Yet, some women will allow emotional and/or physical abuse to happen to them, because they feel guilty about what they said or did when they interacted with their mate or children.  Therefore, the abuser makes his victim feel worse while accusing her of pushing him to the point of no return.  "Look, what you made me do!  If you would just shut up none of this would have happened!  I told you what I will do if you keep talking, didn't I?" 

The abused woman will then attempt to make wrongs right only to meet yet another fist to the face or some other place on her body, because her abuser didn't want to hear her speak yet again about something he should have, could have done.

Abuse will make people cry--those being abused as well as those witnessing the abuse.  Children will cry more when they live in a intense environment which will only make matters worse the longer they stay there. 

Those who sincerely care will want to vindicate the victim, call the police, remove the children from the home, and do other things to stop the abuse.  The woman experiencing such pain will not talk as much to others like she once did.  She will isolate herself.  Sometimes she will hide her bruises behind makeup and sunglasses.  She will lie, cover for her abuser, and pretend as if her relationship is normal.  There is nothing normal about a name-calling, crazy man who has nothing better to do but to intimidate his partner and children, because he is having one of his fits yet again.

Some women think that because a partner hasn't hit or shoved them in a long time they are out the clear, but not necessarily.  Maybe the abuse has simply shifted from mom to children, from wife to mistress, or from girlfriend to relative.  What do the others really think of one's partner?  Who is catching hell when you aren't?

For those experiencing such pain staying with an abuser, know that every day that you stay in a bad relationship brings you closer to your grave or someone else's.  Most abusers don't change without professional counseling, medication, workplace changes, relocation, and more.  If you are with someone who is unwilling to do what's right to bring peace to your household, move on!

Nicholl McGuire creator of this blog and author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate http://laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com

Victims of abuse become survivors because one day a light bulb goes off in their heads that says, "I'm not going to take his abuse any longer, I am better than this."  The day a victim realizes that she can move on, get a better life without walking on egg shells around someone is the day that she is indeed a free woman!  Mothers, for the sake of your children, avoid sticking it out with someone who mistreats you.  One day your children will thank you for it!

Nicholl McGuire

Parents Can Predict Some Things that Will Happen with Children in the Future

Consider the kind of relationship you have with your children.  What you say and do with sons and daughters will impact them for many years.  If you are ineffective (not caring for basic needs), demanding (strict), and have other issues when it comes to parenting then expect rebellious, uncaring children.  This is why some parents don't have quality connections with their offspring.  Many are lonely in senior citizen homes all around our land, because they just weren't good parents.

What Does the Future Hold for Our Children?

Helping Your Child with a Speech Impediment: A Guide to Recognizing and Managing Speech Disabilities

 As a parent of a child with a speech impediment, I know firsthand the anxiety and uncertainty that comes with discovering that your child may have difficulty communicating effectively. My child had been in speech therapy for 12 years and still lives with stuttering as an adult. My eldest son (who is now in his 20s) wrote a book about his journey called, Speak Confidently Living with Stuttering by Dom Kemp available on Amazon.com Despite his speech challenges, I know that early intervention is key to helping your child overcome speech disabilities. He does not struggle with speaking as much as he did when he was younger. In this blog post, I will share some information and tips on how to recognize speech impediments in your child and when to seek professional help.

Recognizing Speech Impediments:

Speech impediments can manifest in various ways, and some may be more apparent than others. Some common speech impediments include stuttering, lisping, cluttering, and apraxia. As parents, it is important to pay attention to your child's speech development and progress. Delayed speech or difficulty pronouncing words correctly may be early signs of a speech disorder. Also, observe how your child communicates with peers and how they respond to instructions. If you notice any inconsistencies in their speech, it may be time to seek professional advice.

Understanding the Causes:

Speech impediments can arise from various factors, such as hearing loss, neurological disorders, or developmental delays. It is crucial to consider all possible causes of your child's speech disorder, as this can help in selecting the appropriate treatment. A visit to a speech-language pathologist can help in identifying the root cause of your child's speech difficulties and determining the best course of action.

Seeking Professional Help:

Early intervention is key to overcoming speech impediments. Once you have identified potential speech issues with your child, it is essential to seek professional help. Speech-language pathologists are highly trained professionals who can assess and diagnose speech disorders in children. They provide customized therapy programs that are tailored to a child's individual needs. It is important to find a speech therapist who specializes in treating children with speech disorders and who can provide your child with the support they need.

Supporting Your Child at Home:

As a parent, there are numerous ways you can help support your child in their speech therapy program. Encourage and praise them for any progress or improvement they make. Practice the skills they learn in therapy sessions at home and incorporate them into your daily routine. Reading books aloud together can also help improve speech fluency and comprehension. It is crucial to create a safe and positive environment, where your child feels supported and encouraged to communicate freely.

Living with a Speech Impediment:

Living with a speech impediment can be challenging, especially in social situations. But it is important to emphasize to your child that their speech disorder does not define them, and that they should continue to strive for their goals and dreams. Through therapy and support, children living with speech impairments can achieve complete fluency and gain the confidence to communicate effectively.

Having a child with a speech impediment can be a daunting experience for parents, but with early intervention and professional help, children can overcome speech disabilities. As parents, we must pay attention to our child's speech development and progress, seek professional advice if we have any concerns, and support our children in their journey towards fluency. If you are struggling with speech impairment, do not give up hope. Through hard work and perseverance, we can speak confidently and overcome any challenges.

Check out more from When Mothers Cry blogger, Nicholl. she has candidly shared her experiences over the years on this platform parenting her four sons. Here are more posts you might be interested in, here.

10 Ways to Cope When Your Children Are Far Away

Whether your child or children are 3000 miles away in the United States or in another country, you miss them. People around you may not understand your sudden mood swings, your urges to get on the next flight out of town to see them, or your long stories about them to anyone who will listen. So how do you cope when you can’t be with your sons, daughters, or both?

One. Plan time in your schedule to make phone calls.

Surprisingly there are many parents who have children out of state and will rarely call. It’s almost too easy to be consumed by work and other activities and forget about simple acts to show your children you care. Don’t allow this to happen to you! Even if it has been a long time since you made contact, remind yourself to call them just like you remind yourself to pick something up from the grocery store.
Two. Write letters.

Don’t want to be bothered with the ex who wants to tell your child what to say when you talk to him or her? Would you prefer not to get into yet another argument with the mother or father? Write a nice letter that’s simple to read and briefly tells them about what you are doing and how much you love and miss them. For young children include stickers they make the letter child friendly.

Three. Draw or color pictures.

One of the best ways to relate to children is by doing activities they can relate to. How do you think it would make them feel if you drew a picture of something or colored one of their favorite cartoon characters and put their name on it? Sometimes we have to become child like to make them feel we care and that we aren’t so bad after all.
Four. Take photos of yourself.

Make faces, lay down and take a wacky photo of your eye or nose, or stand in front of something beautiful, ugly or scary. Young or old, children will love the fact you are sharing one of your adventures with them. Consider creating a photo book. You can go to any drug store and talk with the photo tech about your idea or search the Internet for creative ways to make your own. Also, consider t-shirts, mugs, and other cool things for them to use with your photo on it.

Five. Record video of yourself.

A simple computer webcam, digital camera, or a Flip Video camera will help you make this idea happen. Tell them about your day, read a book, or record audio or video of your side of the family conversing while commenting on what they are viewing. It will make them feel like they are a part of your world and help them keep you in memory.

Six. Send old photos from when you were about their age.

Now these photos would be different from the recent photos mentioned earlier, you want your children to begin to collect keepsakes from your childhood. They will be impressed at how young you looked and may even have some great questions to ask you during your next phone conversation. Two cool ideas are: creating a puzzle photo or printing photos on cards about the size of baseball collector cards complete with a description of the relative.
Seven. Send care packages.

Who doesn’t like packages in the mail? Whether your son or daughter is old or young, they will be happy to know you thought enough to send a package that may feed their stomach, stimulate their eyes, help them with a problem, or fit all three needs.

Eight. Decorate your workspace or another common area you spend time in with some fun photos of them.

Now while doing for your children will help you cope, here’s something you can do for yourself! Surround yourself with photos of your children. You don’t want too many or they may overwhelm you emotionally—just display a few photos that aren’t off in a dark corner, but not so noticeable that you bump into them. Be selective of the photos you display keep in mind some headshots can actually make you feel bad especially if your children aren’t smiling, or crying in the photos.

Nine. Choose a favorite song, movie or game you and your children use to enjoy playing when you are feeling down.

Maybe you loved playing a certain gaming system together, laughed a lot when you watched one of their movies, or danced together when a great song came on the radio, whatever you did, have fun for a moment and allow yourself to cry. Better to express emotions behind closed doors then out in the public. However, avoid the temptation to keep recreating the event when you start feeling yourself feel really bad.

Ten. Spend time with someone else’s children playing with toys and attending children related events.

One of the fastest ways to get yourself out of a bad mood concerning missing your children is to be around other people’s children. They will remind you of the good, bad, and ugly about parenting. A crying baby, a disobedient child, a loud toy, a hungry toddler will keep you on your toes! Visit the toy aisle and buy them something. The smile on their faces will do your heart good!
These ways will not bring your children back to you at least not now, but they are seeds you are sowing into the future. One day you will return to them or they will come to you and they will remember your efforts to be a part of their lives.

Lastly, if you have a faith, consider prayer. Some people have lost their children due to death, but they still manage to keep a faith because it helps them cope with knowing their children are in a better place than earth. You may want to lean on prayer to help you cope with the fact you are here on earth with your children and are having a difficult time getting to them. Pray for wisdom on how you can be together again with your children. A financial blessing, a frustrated former partner, unexpected time off from work, or a great opportunity can put you in the right place at the right time to see your children.