Abused, Pregnant Women - Many Dads are Ill Prepared for Hormonal Women

Homicide is the second leading cause of death for pregnant women; the first is car accidents.

On average, 20 people per minute are victims of physical violence by an intimate partner in the United States. Over the course of a year, that equals more than 10 million women and men. 

These statistics and more are what has been reported by the Center for Disease Control.  The fact is many people are in violent relationships where things like: hitting, kicking, tripping, slapping, spitting, pushing, and more go on between adults when they are angry and this sort of behavior is accepted.  What's worse, these issues increase when a woman becomes pregnant, miscarries or has some other health issues.  Also, keep in mind that some pregnant women still drink alcohol, smoke and use drugs.  See here for facts.

Some couples, who have not experienced such things in their relationship, would consider abusive situations, "crazy," child's play, immature, ignorant, silly, and strange.  However, the mentally unstable are among us from the pregnant woman whose hormones are out of control to the man who lost his mind when he found out his job is no more, there is a baby on the way, and he has little or no savings.  So what do you think might happen between the already stressed out pair?  Emotional turmoil and war about any and everything.  The expectant dad doesn't understand why his pregnant partner is snappy, often complaining, experiencing crying spells, irritable, and impatient.  He yells, curses, or assumes she is trying to get his attention.  All of these things are a part of pregnancy.  We lose sight of the fact that what appears to be so common and routine for so many women is emotionally and physically challenging to all from at home to the workplace.

Bringing another human being in this world is not only a life altering experience but a traumatic one and a woman never returns to that person she was before having children.  Men who are wishful for the good old days, need to face this fact and neither are they the same once they become dads.  Treating a woman like a child, threatening violence because one can't understand why she acts so strangely, or doing other things to gain power and control over a hormonal woman solves nothing!  If anything, the poor baby she is carrying might be negatively impacted in some way and worse some pregnant women will retaliate putting their babies at risk of being injured.

Out of all of the statistics I read about domestic and dating violence, the one above about pregnant women dying as a result of homicides struck me the most.  I can't tell you how many times I have heard, viewed media or had a discussion about a pregnant woman complaining or even fighting her trouble-making or uncaring boyfriend or husband.  He knows full well she isn't altogether in her mind, yet he continues to treat her like she should continue to treat him like she always had, care for the children, work long hours, etc.  He expects his partner to perform for him (pregnant and all) without missing a beat.  

Being with a cold man, controlling, or mean-spirited can wreck havoc on a relationship and cause major upset.  A troubled pregnant woman can also cause much strife in the household.  Someone in the household must keep it together for the sake of the family.  The homicide fact proves a person reached his or her breaking point with a pregnant woman or vice versa.

Verbal and physical abuse does nothing more than keep couples at war with one another.  Imagine the poor baby arriving sad, nervous, and upset because of his or her unhappy parents.  No wonder some children are not as calm as others, consider the environments they are born into and the people who govern them. 

Once a man hears he is expecting a baby, there should be a nurse or doctor encouraging the couple to attend counseling sessions that specifically deal with mental health issues that might arise not just classes about baby development and deep breathing exercises.   There is plenty of health information provided about what happens monthly and after delivery (which I doubt some men even bother to read--I personally know some who didn't). But not enough is being done when it comes to preparing men for possible mental breakdowns with themselves and their partners, explosive temperaments, depression, babies that cry much, various bodily pain, and more.

We all know that bringing babies into the world is a blessing, but more awareness is needed when it comes to mental health challenges.  Having a family is not only a blessing, but one of the most challenging things one can ever do in his or her lifetime and when a person is already unstable, unhappy, uncaring, and more, it only makes matters worse.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry, mothers and fathers do get the book if you are expecting and those who know someone who doesn't have a clue about motherhood, please send them my book.  I wrote it when I had my newborn, toddler, tween and almost a teen staying with my husband and I--talk about stress!  God bless.

Common Mistakes Women Make When They Find Out They Are Pregnant

The moment a woman finds out she is pregnant is one that is full of excitement, joy, and anticipation. It's a moment that most women have been dreaming of for years, and it's finally here. However, it's also a moment that can be overwhelming, nerve-wracking, and even a bit scary. There's a lot to think about, plan for, and consider. Unfortunately, during all that excitement and emotion, pregnant women can often make mistakes that can be detrimental to their health and the health of their growing baby. In this blog post, we'll discuss some of the most common mistakes women make when they find out they are pregnant and how to avoid them.

Waiting too long to start prenatal care

One of the most important things you can do for yourself, and your growing baby is to start prenatal care as soon as possible. Unfortunately, many women make the mistake of waiting too long to schedule their first appointment with an OB/GYN. This can be dangerous because early prenatal care is essential for monitoring your health, detecting any potential complications, and starting a healthy pregnancy.

Not eating enough nutritious foods

Another common mistake that women make when they find out they are pregnant is not eating enough of the right kinds of foods. It's important to remember that during pregnancy, you are not just eating for one but for two. You need to provide your growing baby with the nutrients and vitamins they need to thrive. This means eating a varied diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and protein.

Continuing to engage in unhealthy habits

Many women continue to engage in unhealthy habits like smoking, drinking, or drug use even after they find out they are pregnant. It's essential to remember that anything you consume, or inhale goes directly to your growing baby and can have severe consequences. If you have any harmful habits, now is the time to quit for good.

Not getting enough rest

Pregnancy can be exhausting, and it's essential to make sure you are getting enough rest. Unfortunately, many women make the mistake of not prioritizing their sleep and instead push themselves to exhaustion. It's important to remember that your body is working hard to grow a baby, and it needs rest to do so effectively.

Stressing too much

Finally, it's important to remember that stress can have a severe impact on your health and the health of your growing baby. Many women make the mistake of stressing too much about every little detail of their pregnancy, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. It's essential to find ways to manage your stress, whether that's through meditation, exercise, or talking to a therapist.

Pregnancy is an exciting journey, but it can also be a challenging one. By avoiding these common mistakes, you can help ensure that you have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. Remember to prioritize your health and your growing baby's health by scheduling early prenatal care, eating a healthy diet, quitting any harmful habits, prioritizing rest, and managing your stress. And if you ever have any concerns or questions, don't hesitate to reach out to your doctor. Together, you can navigate this exciting and life-changing journey.

Get your copy of When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire a timeless book that shares the highs and lows of motherhood, you are not alone! Available on Amazon.

What are mistakes that you made when you first found out you were pregnant? Feel free to share in the comments below. If you would like to be featured on this blog, please send your request using the contact form on this blog.

Skincare Safe Products During Pregnancy

When you’re pregnant, your body undergoes dozens of changes, and your skin might experience some issues as well. Luckily, many skin issues that you encounter during pregnancy are temporary and disappear soon after you give birth; however, for the more uncomfortably skin issues, there are several pregnancy-safe skincare products that you can use for common skincare issues during pregnancy. For example, if you encounter melasma (the darkening of the skin on your face), you can suppress skin pigmentation with prescription products containing azelaic acid and topical vitamin C.

Soy-based sunscreens have been shown to have some effect on lightening the skin. Similarly, for stretch marks, which 90% of women experience during pregnancy, moisturizer can improve the appearance and reduce itchiness, while it’s been suggested that topical creams containing glycolic acid and/or green tea might prevent stretch marks. Increased blood circulation during the third trimester may cause pregnant women to have puffy eyelids and faces, especially in the morning. In this case, DIY treatments work well; ice and cold packs can be applied, as well as the use of an eye cream with aloe and vitamin E. Women experiencing puffiness can also increase their vitamin and mineral consumption to relieve the puffiness; however, while the condition is usually harmless, puffiness and sudden weight gain may signal problems that you should discuss with your doctor.

Pregnant women often experience itchy skin, acne, and rashes as well. Itchiness can be relieved by using over-the-counter mentholated or oatmeal-based moisturizers without artificial scents, while rashes can be treated with over-the-counter topical moisturizers that are fragrance-free. Meanwhile, women who experience acne while pregnant can treat acne by washing their face frequently with fragrance-free facial soaps and using some over-the-counter acne products such as astringents. However, when treating acne and other skin issues, pregnant women should be careful to avoid products containing benzoyl peroxide, salicylic acid, or retinoids, which are unsafe for pregnant women to use and have been linked to birth defects or pregnancy complications.

Learn more here.

Safe Skincare Products To Use During Pregnancy - An infographic by the team at Skinfo

Sometimes, Pregnancy Is Rubbish. And That’s OK

There’s a prevailing myth that we’re supposed to ‘bloom’ when we’re pregnant. Ripe with the joys of the life growing inside us, we pregnant ladies waft through the world, trailing a warm glow of love as we go. Our skin shall be radiant, our hair shall gleam, and our bodies shall revel in their proven fecundity. Of course, we shall have the odd minor moment of discomfort as the due date approaches, and sometimes our hormones may get a little uppity, but in the main we shall be glorious beacons of maternal femininity.

As many of us know, the reality of pregnancy is often quite, quite different. How can pregnancy make you feel utterly horrible? Let us count the ways…

• Morning sickness. Ugh. Doubly ugh as it often occurs early in pregnancy, so you have to cope with it while working and trying to conduct your life as normal.
• Swollen ankles.
• Swollen everything else.
• Mood swings. One moment you’re sobbing with love at a puppy on the television, the next you’re threatening to eviscerate your partner because they breathed in an irritating manner.
• The sheer, sometimes agonizing impracticality that is a vertical biped hauling a small human around in its belly. Humans are very poorly designed indeed when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth.
• Braxton Hicks. A cruel, cruel trick.
• The perpetual worries about the birth, the baby, and everything in between and beyond.
• Backache. Often permanent.
• Sore breasts.
• Sore everything.
• Insomnia.
• Fatigue.
• And much, much too much more.

The reality is that, far from being the magical experience that we are often expected to have, pregnancy can be hellish. This is particularly true for those with mental health problems, especially if those problems are related to body image. The huge changes one’s body goes through at pregnancy can cause some very serious issues for these people, potentially making both mother and child very ill indeed. But even when we’re otherwise pretty healthy, pregnancy is frequently not the joy we’re supposed to believe that it is. So, if you’re pregnant, and feeling pretty rubbish, don’t worry. Don’t feel guilty, don’t feel like you’re in some way deficient, or unfeminine, or letting your child down by not enjoying your pregnancy. You’re not. What you’re experiencing is perfectly natural. What is unnatural is this bizarre insistence on pretending that pregnancy is all smiles and rainbows and that elusive ‘glow’. Don't fall for it, and don't get guilt about how you feel!

Like It or Not She's a Mother

For the mother who is having a hard time parenting her own children, she can either be a blessing or a curse to a relative or friend's life who is expecting.  Her occasional negativity, criticism, frustration, and anger about being a parenting can reign on the unsuspecting's parade.  Yet, one has to rise above the scorned woman and look beyond the negative scope of her views.

Admittedly I didn't plan on becoming a mother, but I also didn't plan on the mean-spiritedness to follow when I broke the news to others that I was pregnant four different times in my life.

The disappointed and judgmental attitudes that showed up on the faces of divorced mothers, mothers who just had babies, mothers who had long ago had babies and the child-free was something I will never forget.  What was wrong with these mothers?  It wasn't like I was a child having a child and even if that was the case, being mean isn't going to help matters.  Their words didn't sound like encouragement when they would say, "You pregnant?  When did this happen?  Why didn't you protect yourself?  Don't expect me to watch your baby!  Wow, I hope for the best...but what about..."

Mothers have to do a better job uplifting soon-to-be mothers.  It's unfortunate that so many moms have had their share of bad experiences which I share in my book, When Mothers Cry, but at the end of the day, your relative or friend is a new mother-- one who has chosen to bring life in the world whether the time is right or not or whether they had the baby for right or wrong reasons.

I commend those grandmothers who step up to the plate and help their daughters and grandaughters during their pregnancy challenges.  It can be such a lonely and depressing experience especially when one is pregnant by a partner who she doesn't like or love and has her share of regrets.  Those "could have, should have" conversations don't matter when a baby is on his or her way.  If anything, the words of wisdom should be about caring for one's child, coming up with additional ways to finance the needs of the child, and seeking parental resources.

With so much negativity already occurring in the world and more to come, if there is anything we should be positive about is life, ready or not.

Nicholl McGuire

Regrets: When Mothers Cry Over The Past

"Why bother? What good is it going to do now?  It's over!  You are free!"  so many mothers with tears in their eyes forget about freedom when their minds are entangled with, "I should have, could have..."

Years ago, I had regrets about dating the wrong people, having children out of wedlock (thanks to self-righteous Christians), leaving San Diego, and other things I really don't want to conjure up at this time, but you know how thinking about the past can be.  But I chose to move on!  I survived through hell and high water!  I wasn't about to let haters who win.  I had accomplished much in life years ago and still working hard to date.  What someone else's perception of me, stopped having influence when I finally made up in my mind, "No more!"  There would be no more attitude, mind games, lies, cover ups and secrets.  God exposed the foolishness anyway.  I was grateful that my past was no longer my present and future.

Let's just be honest, we have some mean people in our families, churches, civic groups, workplaces, and even in our households who honestly believe that they are better than others because of temporal things i.e.) more money, cars, property, etc.  I heard a relative once brag about how she was a home owner and talked negatively about those who rented, she forgot about my situation or didn't care.  I talked to God about her and the braggart attitude.  It wasn't long before she was humbled.

You see, as mothers we can easily go from delivering children out of our wombs to replacing those wombs with stress, sometimes brought on by others.  It isn't any wonder why some moms still struggle mentally, physically and spiritually.  They are still carrying other people's pain in their wombs long after they delivered babies!  These women are still pregnant, but not with life, they are pregnant with sickness while dreams are like amniotic fluid just swaying as they move along in life. These moms are still crying over the past.

Being pregnant with past regret will only make matters worse!  You will go into labor but deliver nothing more than poison if you don't seek a cure for your ills.  Children will look at mom's example and either pity her, take advantage, of her or keep away.  "Mom has issues...honestly, I wish I could be anywhere, but around her.  Why does she act so crazy? What's up with her?" say the children.

Yes, what's up with mom?  Does she even know the pain she is spreading around the family home, at work and elsewhere?  Does any one care about mom?  What can she do to make a difference in her life?  The answer:  Move on!  Work through the pain of the past.  Write down what you want/need and place the note in a Holy Bible or elsewhere.  Then post the steps you need to get there from here. Be honest with yourself behind closed doors.  Don't take anyone's opinion or observation as fact. Envision what other people say placed in a box, buried and then blown up, never to be attached to you again!  Don't be oppressed by what people knew about you when.  You give them power when you do that!

Some of the best medicine for getting over the past is focusing on the present and future.  The things that are in your control.  Whatever you wish to achieve, you will, because every time a negative thought comes into your mind about the past, you will reverse the curse!  You need to start telling yourself, you are loved.  That you are doing the best you can to provide for your family.  You will not be controlled by those who don't appreciate or love you.  Each day that you awake, you are getting closer to the things you want when you keep fighting stinkin' thinkin'!

I recall looking at photographs, walking in the cold with freezing ice coming down my face, and I was angry treading along in that snow near Lake Erie in Cleveland.  I refused to do that anymore!  I made up in my mind--never again.  I looked at every city that didn't have snow after that incident and I picked one.  I ended up in San Diego with my first family tagging along, but later moved to Los Angeles.  I was disappointed about the move later, and at times wished for San Diego because that was the first spot I moved to when I left Cleveland with my family back then in 2004.  I got over the sentiment, because I knew I needed to focus on what Los Angeles had to offer.  I was starting a new life without part of my past and I told myself, "I am a survivor."

When you make up in your mind to do something you really want to do, there is no stopping you! You post the reminders of your tasks.  You sit and stare at your goals.  You come back and do the same whether you do anything or not.  Then one day, you will get tired of doing nothing and will just do it--I'm a witness!  From painting to getting a job, I wanted to get some things accomplished at different times in my life, so I had to get centered--wrap my head around some things.  I had to take a break from the normal routine and sit quietly.  I cut off TV, cell phone, visiting those who didn't support me, and I put limits on doing certain tasks that didn't help toward goals.  To date, I am still in that mode of thinking and I know for some, they don't get it, and I'm not explaining either.  You tell yourself, "I will not be stopped from getting what I intend to get done tonight, today, tomorrow..."

Children, partners, noises outside, hunger, menstrual cycle--you name it and it all is so distracting! These people will want something.  Relatives will call out the blue.  Suddenly busy professionals have time for you and so on.  But just like some of them had to shut you out, make their money, attend their events, sign their names to contracts, and do whatever else, now you are the busy one!

So for those of you who are tired of whining, complaining and even crying about your haves and have-nots, do what you can!  Start supporting yourself!  God bless.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel nmenterprise7.  Chances are you might find out some more discoveries about why you are still entangled with past issues over there--be awakened to truth, it can be a hard pill to swallow!

Why Me? Motherhood Wasn't What I Wanted But It Happened

Kneeling beside my bed in my studio apartment in 1997, I began to pray, not because I was in need of anything in particular, but just because I could whenever I wanted. You see, I was single. No man, no children, no roommates, no pets, absolutely no one lived with me that I had to feel obligated to talk or care for and it felt good – too good.

So while I am kneeling beside my bed waiting for God to speak to me, I am suddenly saddened like someone getting ready to hear some of the worst news of his or her life. I didn’t quite know why I felt that way until I heard an audible voice from within my spirit, saying, “You will be a mother some day and you will marry.” This news was not what I wanted to hear. I was looking forward to hearing something else such as God telling me to attend a Bible college or do some missionary work, anything but this! I cried my first cry about being a mother. These were real tears, gut wrenching! I became angry all the while as I cried asking God, “Why?”

I couldn’t help but think about all of the women who wanted children in the world and hear I was being called to motherhood and marriage. I had just got out of an abusive relationship, so the last thing I wanted in my life was something else to test my patience and nerves. For the first time in my life I was sincerely happy and at peace in my eclectic looking apartment cheaply decorated with abstract art on poster board along the walls, decorated plastic containers and crates turned on their side to simulate bookcases.

Then again maybe I wasn’t really happy as I wanted everyone around me to believe during that time in my life. Loneliness had been my kryptonite back in the 90s. Like superman, this superwoman fell weak to my imagination of one caressing and kissing me and longed for my dreams to become real—a debonair gentleman to come into my life and sweep me off my feet and out of my boring routines. Yet, at the same time, I wanted to stay in my apartment and never interact with anyone unless I absolutely needed to, simply because my heart still ached over my past riddled with verbal and physical assaults from men who claimed they loved me.

What was so bad about my being called to motherhood and marriage? I really don’t know. I can’t seem to pinpoint exactly what had occurred when I was a child that caused me to disdain the possibility of me one day being a parent. I remember thinking back to those childhood days when I found marriage to be troublesome. I saw people around me looking at their mates as if they were sickened and/or aggravated by them. I saw the frustration in parents’ eyes when their children did just one more thing to make them yell, scream, cuss or whip them. Parenting was definitely not something I saw in my future. I remember my mother saying, “What if one day you meet a man and fall in love with him, you may want to have children.” I was still adamant in my beliefs when I responded to her, “I still don’t want any children and I don’t want to be with the same person for the rest of my life that is boring!” I remember her being hopeful about my future when she commented, “You are still young, you may change your mind when you are older.” I had hoped that I wouldn’t.

As I pondered the news God gave me about motherhood and marriage, I remembered a radio interview on a Christian station. When the interviewer asked the guest about the various callings God had made on his life, he commented that he may not have liked everything God put on his plate, but he ate anyway. I thought about my own calling. Although this idea of being a mother wasn’t what I had in mind, I could accept it; however, the challenge I had was to try an convince the little child within me that it was okay that our Father in heaven knows what’s best for us. As I began to think more about motherhood, I realized I really hadn’t come to terms with being a mother even when I learned almost two years later that I was pregnant and I felt guilty that I wasn’t married first even though God was already aware of the order of events. I had often wished during the pregnancy that God would take the baby from me, and could I get “a do over” roll for my life?

I didn’t like the thought of how the baby would impact my future, those around me and how the baby changed me mentally or physically. What exactly did I have planned for my future in 1997 anyway? I really didn’t know. I had been educated at very good universities and had a resume two pages long! I allowed myself for the first time in my life to awake each day with no focus other than to work at my data entry job, pray to God, eat, read, shower, go to sleep and awake the next day to do it all over again each and every day until God told me different. Up until that point in 1997, I had never had a dull moment in my life! For me to behave that way back then was almost insane to those who knew me. I was never one for not having a plan for my present and my future. I never had an opening in my schedule that was ever left for God, casual reading or just sitting down and relaxing. I sometimes wonder had I allowed myself to keep busy would I have ever entertained a single thought of desiring the touch of a man.

The opportunity to abort my baby had been given to me by a nurse, who said it was a requirement to ask, but I didn’t have the mindset to think twice about it since being influenced by talk shows that provided details of the procedure and biblical teachings discouraged me. I asked God, I told God and sometimes I swore at God about allowing this to happen to such a sinner. I almost pleaded, “This isn’t what I wanted…” To that, he said nothing.

I was angry with God because I was mere flesh who hadn’t been strong enough to turn sex away. My happiness about being alone had wore off quickly. I became like so many single, lonely women desiring a companion that would make me feel complete. The chance I took that night to allow my lover to enter me unprotected could have resulted in much more than a baby. Exactly how many times we slept together unprotected, before I became pregnant I don’t remember, all I recall was we hadn’t known each other that long before the “surprise” came. I remember wondering why my belly continued to grow despite my participation in professional physical fitness training and watching my diet.

I don’t know if God told me this or if I reasoned it, but I started to believe that God gave me, the gift of motherhood, because he planned to use the children in the future, not only for his glory, but to create a new and improved me. In the past, I noticed as young as fifteen that having children made some young women act mature beyond their years. They seemed to have a more settled demeanor about them and they viewed the world a lot differently after having babies. Pregnancy seemed to mold and shape them into women that had more compassion for others, became less selfish, and provided an insight about life they would have otherwise never had.

Why wasn't the information and counseling readily available for women when they didn't want to abort, but didn't want to keep the child either after giving birth? Where are the support groups for mothers-to be who don’t want to be mothers, but are too afraid to tell anyone they don’t want their child and rather put him or her up for adoption? Who holds pregnant women’s hands when they have second thoughts about being mothers? Although I struggled with the idea of being a mother throughout my pregnancy and often wished that God would take his blessing back, nothing prepared me for the day I saw my baby’s eyes. With tears in my eyes and when no one was looking, I quickly asked God, in a quiet whisper, for forgiveness. “Please forgive me Lord I didn’t know what I was thinking or saying. Thank you for giving my child life.” The baby looked at me as if God used his eyes to reply, “You are forgiven.”

Three children later (a grand total of four) I have never asked God to take any of them like I did with the first, but I have requested that he bless me with the wisdom and the strength to stand before the obstacles set before me. I have repeatedly commanded that God send his angels down to help me quiet a crying child. I have also prayed to God far too many times to count to give me peace of mind. For there are times that I felt as if my head would come off and I would lose my legs to stand, because of the stress of raising children. Sometimes my own cries drowned out my children’s moans, sighs, whines and screams. When I am feeling at my worse, I go to some faraway place in my mind where I can’t hear them and for that moment I feel okay. I get off my knees or out of the chair I am sitting in when this happens and proceed to wash the dirty dishes, clean the crumbs off the floor, make a bed, sort some laundry, go out for a walk (when daddy is home) or get on the phone. For I know that if I allow my mind to stay in that far away place that drowns out the sounds of children too long, they may hurt themselves, but if I come out of that far away place too soon and don’t allow myself enough time to cry a good cry, then I may be the next woman on the news.

A mother-to-be goes through so many mental and physical changes. It doesn’t give her any encouragement about her calling when there are so many miserable mothers around her trying to advise her on childbirth and childrearing. They are telling her things like, “I didn’t want to see my baby’s face after all she put me through…I was ready to hurt my child about…His dad was no help to me…The baby didn’t allow me to get any sleep, I was ready to throw him out the window…” The new mother is definitely not ready for what is ahead when she can’t see the bright light at the end of the tunnel and the women around her don’t bother to be a beacon of light for her. In her mind all she hears herself saying is, “I am not ready for this!”

One day while walking my children, I had a conversation with a neighbor about children. She said she never wanted any. I couldn’t help but think why was it that she got her wish and I hadn’t. She reasoned that God didn’t allow it to happen to her, because he knew in her heart that she truly didn’t want any. She said she loved her nieces and nephews and were grateful for them. I had wanted the same, no children, at least so I thought, but maybe God knew my heart better than I knew it and gave them to me anyway.

Another day, I had been walking my children again and saw two pregnant women walking side by side. I couldn’t help but speak to them while they smiled and waved to both of my sons riding in a double stroller. They asked if I had twins, I said, “No, they are fifteen months apart.” They commented on how cute they were. As we exchanged small talk, I remember saying something to encourage them, although I have since forgotten what I said, I do recall how they reacted, they smiled.

I guess my only request for mothers who are around expectant mothers is to be lighthouses for them. Direct them toward the light that will give them the strength to keep going even when they are experiencing dark waters, raging storms, and heavy winds in their lives.

Written by Nicholl McGuire

A Word from Blog Owner and Author of When Mothers Cry Encouraging Expectant Mothers

 Dear Expectant Moms,

I know that being pregnant and preparing to become a mom can be overwhelming. You may be questioning your readiness and feeling like you don’t have the support or resources to get through it. But I am here to reassure you that becoming a mom is an amazing experience, and with the right guidance, you can do it.

Being a mom will bring plenty of joy and great moments that you can’t even begin to imagine. Your bond with your child will be unparalleled, and the feeling of motherhood is incomparable. As a new mom, you have an incredible opportunity to shape this little person’s life by showing them love and guiding them through their development.

Teen moms may be especially worried about not being ready, but you have time to prepare for the task of parenting. You can start by exploring your options and learning more about the resources available to you. For example, many states provide programs specifically designed to meet the needs of pregnant or new moms who are in high school. These resources may include financial assistance, prenatal care, and even support services for parenting.

No matter what age you are, remember that you can be a great parent with the right tools and guidance. Utilize your family and friends for advice and moral support as well as national resources to provide a solid foundation for you on your parenting journey.

You got this!

I am a wife, mother of four sons and have relocated many times in my life. Through each life challenge I have learned perseverance. When you continue to rise above circumstances, you are a better teacher, spouse, parent, employee...so stay strong! For more information about my journey, check out When Mothers Cry available on Amazon. God bless.

Nicholl 

What Would a Dead Mother Say to You?

My potential mother-in-laws died too soon to tell me everything they wanted me to know about their experiences being a mother, yet it was in their actions while they were living that I learned enough skills to share with my own children, but I learned a lot more after they had died. You see, I hadn’t married their sons, but I felt like I had become engaged to them in our conversations over the years to determine that these women had come to terms with their titles of mother despite not ever wanting to become mothers in the way that they did.

Two women who specifically come to mind had not conceived all their children in ways that society would have deemed appropriate particularly during a time when most women were raised “to act like a lady.” They had children out of wedlock, had been either physically or sexually abused, and had married men that didn’t get everyone’s blessing.

I could understand what it was like to be told, “You are pregnant…” during a time when money and the man in your life was acting strange about being a father. Based on both women’s circumstances, I’m sure they went through the same. I learned from these women that it isn’t walking around pretending to be happy with your mother role or in other words a “fake it until you make it” philosophy that sustains you through what some would call a blessing, and others would call a storm; rather, it is an honest to goodness boldness that heals you. I’m not thinking about the “tell-it-like-it –is” attitude, but I am thinking more like the “I made my bed, now I will fix it” mentality.

Childbirth and childrearing it is what it is. You did the deed now do what you can to survive for you and your child. My potential mother-in-laws could have aborted, but didn’t. They could have run away from home and cut off all ties from anyone who shamed them. They could have abandoned their children, but avoided the temptation to run away. They could have given them up for adoption, but chose not to. Somewhere within themselves, they found the strength to care for their children despite the challenges they faced while not being mad at God. You see, it took great maturity on both their parts not to play "the blame game."

Between these two women there were nine childbirths, and all of them were successful even when one of the births happened through an unfortunate circumstance, a relative sexually abused her and she became pregnant. This survivor of sexual abuse didn’t allow the abuse to cause her to want to disown a part of who she was, and that takes great courage! Some women if put in the same situation would have found the event to be insurmountable and would have most likely ridded themselves of the shame.

Although these mothers who once impacted my life are now deceased, the grave hasn't kept them from speaking. They have left alot of their life behind to help other mothers learn from their mistakes and so the following is what I believe these deceased mothers and others like them would say to those of us still alive.

A dead mother if she could rise from the dead would tell you to “live your life!” She would say, “Stop living for your children and start living for you!” Some mothers would be appalled by this statement, to that they would say, “What do you mean not live for my children?” You see, mothers weren’t put on this planet to live for anyone but themselves (remember you were a woman first,) but the role of mother was created to service her children -- not live for them. So to live for someone and to service someone is two very different things, but some mothers and others who don’t know any better, have confused the two. To live for someone means your very existence depends on them. If it wasn’t for that person you would die. So if a mother thinks that all she has is her children to live for, then she is in a sorry state of mind and seriously needs to seek help. But if she awakes each day, being grateful for being alive and knowing that she could go through each day making decisions that will make her a better person then she is living her life—she is living for herself. Because it’s what she does with her life that will make the difference in another’s life. If she isn’t living for herself then who is she living for and don’t say God, because even God will have to say, “Dear, you don’t know me that well, but thanks I’m flattered."

A dead mother would also cry out from the grave and tell you to "stop lying to yourself and acting like something you are not." You see, many mothers have gone to their graves with false impressions engraved in the minds of their children who thought they knew their mother well. The reality is that she created an image that she thought would best depict her whether she chose to make people think she was happy and bubbly or depressed and angry. Whatever image she painted, that is if she died of a sane mind, chances are no one really knew her while she was alive. Mothers like these are big liars! The sad part is their families may have said or done something that didn’t make them feel comfortable about revealing their true self which made them feel like they should lie. Why would anyone want to share their heart with anyone who would be so quick to condemn them? These mothers went to their graves with dark secrets and unfortunately they couldn’t trust their own children with the full details of their lives.

A dead mother would also advise, “Be true to yourself and those around you no matter who gets hurt if it will deliver you from the burdens that you carry.” So you say “…that is a pretty selfish thing to do, aren’t mothers supposed to protect their children?” Of course, but once children become adults they are responsible for how they choose to deal with the truth. No one ever said that the truth won’t hurt, but it will set you free! Look at all of the young people currently having identity crises as a result of a parent who chose not to tell the truth; rather, they just walked out of their children’s lives without explanation. Shall we think of other examples to validate why a child needs to know whatever truth is pertinent to his or her existence?

In addition, a dead mother would tell you that "life is far too short to keep making the same mistakes" that she and others have warned you about over and over again. What were the mistakes she made with you? What do you find yourself repeating in your own parenting?

Lastly, she would tell you, "Watch how you spend your time and money." What kind of time are you spending with your children? Are you taking the time to sincerely get to know your children or are you booking that time up with so many activities that every time you speak to your child you are in a rush? As for money, where are you investing it and how will your child benefit from it in the future? Are you learning from the past? Are you concerned about the present?

If a dead mother could return from the grave, she would be most concerned about the things that affect your well-being. You don’t need a psychic to tell you something you already know. “Take care of yourself. I love you. I wasn’t mad at you. I forgive you.” The regrets that her children walk around in this world holding in their heart concerning his or her mother, is just taking up space. If she could talk, she would say, “Let it go!” If you aren’t taking care of your mind, body, and children, then who is? She may be rolling over in her grave now, because she sees her mistakes are being repeated with you and she can’t do anything about it.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, For more writings by this writer Click Here

When You are a Thorn in Someone Else's Flesh

You didn't think your issues would grow into anything more than just that, your issues.  But then you opened your mouth or someone noticed something about you and now what you are going through seems like it has become frontpage news.

In the Christian Bible, the Apostle Paul talks about a thorn in his flesh, a personal problem he had that God had yet to remove.  Whatever that something was that Paul struggled with, the Bible doesn't say, but even a man of God had his share of issues and God still used him anyway.  This proves that you don't have to have it altogether to be used by God despite what ministers, teachers, and one's self-righteous parents or grandparents claim.  We also know that Mary had her share of problems brought on, not by man, but by God.  A young girl who would carry a child that wasn't her fiance's out of wedlock.  Imagine the shame she experienced.  So what do these two characters have in common? God, a heavenly Creator who didn't take all troubles away despite being chosen by Him.  Critics of these two people's lives had much to say during biblical times.  It didn't matter what God was doing to draw men and women closer to Him, there were going to be those who criticized, ridiculed, and did whatever else to God's chosen people.  If you are a believer, then you know that you are marked by an enemy to keep drama going in your life.  It is how you handle that drama that makes a difference.

For some readers, you may have brought some situations on yourself and you aren't proud of them. God may have used your unfortunate issues to bring glory to Him.  But whatever you are going through, a critic might be talking about your thorn, your calling, your project, your child or something else.  This person may be responsible for keeping you upset, but you don't have to stay that way.

I recall when I became pregnant with my first child.  It was then that I learned who was friend and who was foe.  Those who once invited the childless me to church and other places, didn't want to have much to do with me when they heard I was expecting.  I was in my early twenties, didn't have much money, periodically attended church, and low and behold unmarried and pregnant.  Did God abandon me because of my situation?  No.  He loved me anyway.  I didn't stop talking about Him because of my poor choices.  I casted my burdens on Him, confessed sin, and asked my Lord to help me and put me around wise people.  In my own strength, I attempted to make wrongs right by marrying my child's father.  But I learned later in life, that if God doesn't want you to do something, it doesn't matter what society says or what you feel is right at the time, he has his reasons.  Wrongs could have been made right in his time and not my own.  As a result, I am divorced today.  God had a better plan, but I didn't see it back then because I was more concerned about what people thought.

There were other times in my life I noticed that when I was no longer giving money to certain groups, due to my family responsibilities, so-called Do-Gooders' calls, letters and gifts stopped coming.  The issues that I was dealing with didn't welcome help, rather they only brought on negative talk by critics, a self-righteous and mean-spirited bunch.  Back to God for wisdom and strength. 

Somehow your issues become others' issues.  Yet, God has his way of taking poor, miserable you and turning you around to be rich in favor with Him.  How does he do that?  By taking a magnifying glass and showing you your  self-righteous critics' errors who think they are "better, good, kind, sweet, nice, successful..."  He doesn't do this so that you can parade around and say to your enemies, "Aha!  I knew you were nothing but a..."  Rather, your Holy Father teaches you via your struggles as well as your naysayers' issues that these people aren't better than you and you aren't better than anyone else--what a humbling experience! 

God shows you that wisdom can be found not only in good decision-making but poor choices too if you draw near to Him.  Some of us are simply too hard-headed at times to just take the easy routes in life, we have to fall hard before we can see the light.  Our Creator gives us a plan for our lives to do things like:  come up higher (ie. don't act petty, worry or plot revenge), be free from issues (ie. emotional, spiritual and physically binding relationships/partnerships), and the bravery to stand up to enemies.

I know that some of you are seeking knowledge that will get you out of your current dilemmas, and I am sure you will find it.  But just remember, there are people and then there are souls--the flesh may die, but the soul doesn't.  As much as you would like to poke someone with your thorn, don't.  One day we all will sit in judgment for the pain and suffering we have caused others if we don't confess sin and repent now for what we have done or are doing to self and others. 

If you or someone you know is hurt because of someone else's actions or in-actions about a matter, know that God will avenge in his time, not yours.  Take your burdens to Him and leave them there!  Don't keep talking about your problems with others when solutions are already on the way--move on! 

To God be the glory!

Nicholl McGuire 

Very Part-Time Mothering

Some of us get what we pray for! In my experience, the opportunity to live my life without my children for long stretches at a time. I asked God recently to uplift me from some of my parenting responsibilities, because it was literally making me sick and he did just that! Some happy-go-lucky parents (and those who have lost their children to death) will be very critical without even considering the details. Others will be curious while some may even be jealous, wishing the same for themselves. For those wondering why pray such a prayer, I'll tell you...

Years ago, before the pro-life activists got a hold of me and told me that abortion was wrong, I had thought of the "what ifs" in my life as young as 15 years old. What would happen if I became pregnant, how would everyone react? What if my teenage boyfriend and I decided we didn't want the child? What if I couldn't get over what I had done? What if he wanted the child? Well back then I had a scare, which only turned out to be nothing more than a late period because I had recently joined the track team. Although I had protected myself, the condom found its way inside rather than outside and we were fishing for it, so that is why I was very scared back then that I could be pregnant. So years later, as an adult with four children and the opportunity in my life to have two families and be a stay-at-home mother in both failed relationships, I have decided to go ahead and let the fathers keep our sons. I could have fought with one father in the court again and win them back. Meanwhile, take the burden off the other father and collect a child support check, but why? Some would argue, because their your children, well they are theirs too. Because you don't want another woman raising them, well she won't be the only influence in their lives and besides I could use her help too. Because you are a better parent than they are, I could be, but it's the fathers' turn to figure things out like I did while they worked.

You see, I have read about so many women fleeing with children in tote with a little bit of nothing to offer them while the fathers live better, have more, and can ultimately afford more than she could ever give her children. As I write I think of one of the fathers telling me how he is going to put our two sons in private school. Sounds great, but on my wages (a writer and a secretary -- it may never happen?! But if he can, more power to him!) You see, I am done trying to prove myself (with tears in my eyes, a hand on my forehead, and unbelievable PMS issues- which are being treated) to a society who tells me what motherhood should look like -- what's good for the goose isn't necessarily what's good for this gander! I love my children, God knows I do, but there is something deep within that just can't fully wrap myself around the idea of society's definition of mother. It isn't the typical Webster's dictionary definition that I argue with, but it's the societal view that we shouldn't voice our burdens about motherhood; rather be grateful and feel blessed, as well as "the all mothers go through this" societal attitude, "so just live with it" when we are seeking help.

Just like we wanted equal rights as women to vote, to work, and to play sports, I want equal rights when it comes to my choice of how often I want to mother my children. For me the annual spring break, winter break, and shared summer break, works best for me -- thank you very much!

I think of those women who are gasping for air, struggling to breath, heart pounding, shaking violently, and wishing for someone to go get their pills so that they can swallow a substance designed to bring them back to a life they are so tired of living! (I know because I been there!) Mother awakes to baby cries, changes diapers, feeds, plays, rocks, nurses, teaches, cleans, sacrifices her personal life, and so on and so fourth...while an unsupportive partner, who doesn't even bother to help her when she is sick, says, "I prefer you stay home with the children. I don't want them in daycare. I don't think this relationship is working. I don't think you should say that to our child. I don't think you should feed our child that...I don't think that you should buy our child this..." How about I think fathers and self-righteous family and so-called friends should, "Shut up!" If it isn't something that is hurting the child, leave the mother alone! Further, when she is down and out, why kick her? Why expect her to be something she doesn't or can't be in the midst of her illness?

You see, in the end I have learned it isn't my family and I being buried in the same grave together, it's just me! So if I have some people around me that feel like they can do a better job than me, then so be it and who cares what society thinks! I'm all for very part-time mothering! Men have been very part-time fathers for centuries, so if they want to make up for lost time, then God bless them!

What to Do When You Discover Your Son is a Father

In his early forties, he would have never thought it would happen to him, a father, former boxer now a grandfather. His handsome 16 going on 17 year old son, popular, a high school football player, now a father! “How could this be?” the father thought. He cussed, fussed, acted violently with anyone who was in his way. “I don’t want to be a grandfather! He told me he was using condoms! He said she put the condom on! I told him never let a girl put the condom on! She poked holes in it! I can’t believe this!” But he had to believe it. After the anger wore off, he and his son’s mother had to figure out something, but what?

You may be in a similar situation. So what do you do? The first step is to find your peace of mind, so that you can be of assistance to your child and his girlfriend. What that means is find someone or something that can help you take control of your thoughts and emotions so that you can think clearly. Some people take vacations during the heat of a crisis and others consult with a beloved family member or friend. Without peace of mind, you will only further aggravate the already complicated situation.

In the true story described earlier, the girl’s mother had a hard time hearing about her 15 year old daughter being pregnant. The gorgeous girl was an honors student and all her mother could do was witness her child’s future flash and then disappear before her eyes. She was so hurt by her daughter’s irresponsibility that she said some hurtful things about her boyfriend and her daughter to the both of them, the kind of things that may forever scar both children. The mother wasn’t ready to be a grandmother. She was so emotionally wounded, that she kicked her daughter out the minute she heard the news. The girl had nowhere to go, but to her boyfriend’s home. At least his parents had found their peace of mind in time to open their doors to her. But it wouldn’t be easy for the girl to live in her boyfriend’s parent’s home, for they would now preach abstinence despite it being less than a couple of years prior to the pregnancy that the boy’s father was providing him with condoms. The mother-to-be was to sleep on the couch in the basement while the father was to remain in his room during the night. They could never be in any part of the house alone.

So how do you handle the news that your son and his girlfriend are pregnant?

Assuming that you already spoke to your son, meet with him again. Find out if his thoughts about his situation have changed. How are the girl’s parents handling the news, that is, if she told them? Does she plan on getting an abortion? Does your son want her to abort? You may run into a situation where he doesn’t want the child and she does. Then what? He may be willing to give over all his rights to the child’s mother, but does that mean that future child support payments will go away? Can she still sue? You will need to consult with an attorney to find out all the details.

Your son and his girlfriend may agree to give the child up for adoption. Someone within your family or hers may want to care for the baby until they can manage. Whatever he and his girlfriend may decide, avoid the temptation to name call, talk about how miserable their life will be, or say or do anything that could jeopardize your relationship with your child and future grandchild. Your son and/or his girlfriend may be in a fragile state of mind and you don’t want to be responsible for pushing him or her over the edge.
    
Meet with the couple

Once you and your son have talked, arrange a date to meet with his girlfriend. You will want to know what her intentions are. There may be discrepancies in their story, she may have changed her mind concerning the baby, and she may be having trouble communicating with her own parents and friends. Provide any advice that could help the both of them.

Meet with the parents

You will want to notify the girl that you will be contacting her parents. Arrange to meet with them either in the presence of a school administrator, a teen pregnancy counselor, or some other person who can act as a witness. In the event that there is ever a future legal battle, you do not want to be making agreements with these people that could be used against you later. Think about what questions you will ask her parents such as what are their intentions concerning the care of the baby. Will they be buying diapers, food, milk etc. for the newborn as well?

Meet with the school

Contact a school nurse and/or counselor to provide you with a list of teen pregnancy resources in your area. Your son and his girlfriend will need to be present so that they can apply for free aid.

Arrange parenting classes and any other special program you have heard about

Once you, your son and/or his girlfriend have made appointments, he or she should conduct any research on obtaining employment until the baby arrives. Unfortunately, now that a baby is on the way, some of those extracurricular activities may have to be dropped temporarily unless the family is willing to chip in for the care of their future addition while the children start focusing on completing high school.

If neither parent on either side wants the young couple and their newborn to live with them, learn about independent living programs in your area for teen parents. The program criteria is different depending on where the teen lives, how old he or she is, whether they income qualify, etc.

Make room in your home

If the children do not qualify for independent living, you or her parents will need to figure out how to make room in your home for baby items. You will also have to consider finding some place in the home for your son to care for his baby when he or she awakes through the night especially if there are other young children living in the home.

Join a support group

Receiving news about your child having a child isn’t easy and being around others who understand and can empathize with your struggle can bring your spirits up. Avoid being around people who can’t be of any assistance to you or your son. The last thing you need right now is someone igniting your fire by blaming and judging you as a parent or negatively commenting about your child’s action or inaction.

As a believer, remember to pray.  You will need the hand of God to help you during challenging times with your son and his family.

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and the author of When Mothers Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.

Gifts for the Mothers To Be, New Mom Gift Ideas

We give back to our new moms, those women who want very much to be good moms!  They have a long road ahead and they will need all the support they can get.  I have been around my share of pregnant women most recently and I will tell you that to feel their excitement about being a mom soon is catchy!  I like that they are eager about their new endeavor with their newborn.  I also don't mind giving to them either.  The last gift for one new mom was diapers, wipes and a gift card.  She was very grateful and mentioned that she had never seen so many diapers in such a large box.  Us moms know how new babies go through diapers!  So to save some time shopping, I included gifts below that new moms these days would absolutely appreciate!  Happy giving and thanks for supporting this blog!

When Fathers Aren't Ready to be Daddys

While we were struggling with the idea of being a new mother, they were trying to make sense of how was it that one night with us would slow down their lives for at least the next 18 years too! They had plans just like we did. He wanted to go places, dine and wine, enjoy a life of luxury, come and go as he pleased, sleep in as late as he wanted, but then the news came. While we talk ourselves into this idea of being a mother, there are fathers who are and have talked themselves out of being a father. To think that a child will need to be diapered, fed, rocked to sleep, entertained, carried, groomed, walked, taken to the doctor and so much more is too hard for some men to accept! They lose sleep, an appetite, a passion for sex, and a general interest in the mother of their child just from thinking about all that is forthcoming. “Why me,” some fathers will ask. Others say, “Another expense…” They didn’t want to be fathers no more than some of us wanted to be mothers. They, like us, had a choice, but there issue is a little bit more complex than ours. Let’s say he finds out that his girlfriend is pregnant and he does want his child, but she rather aborts him or her. He has no control over his girlfriend’s body to make her not have the baby; therefore, he can’t stop her from getting an abortion if she is determined to do so. However, there are many more stories where men don’t want their children and the mothers do want them. When this happens, he usually becomes distant and eventually absent out of the expectant mother’s life before the baby is born. So there she is a new mother with no support mentally, financially or physically from the man she wants loved. Now she has to raise a son or daughter who will never know their father. The reality that daddy isn’t around nor does he care, makes mothers cry and eventually they stop crying and become bitter vowing that they will never love another man like they did the father of their child again.

There are those men who don’t leave the mothers of their children, but they give everyone in the family a hard time because they feel obligated to stay. He is caught in between being a player and being a father. He wants to be at home, but he also wants to be out in the street. He enjoys watching his children grow up, but he doesn’t want to clean up. Men like this, contribute to a mother’s cry on a daily basis. They have mood swings that come and go often. While sitting in front of the television watching the game, the baby cries, while mother is in the kitchen cooking and he is aggravated because she won’t go to the baby and make him or her stop crying. The family is preparing to go to an event and he grooms himself first never offering to help his wife get the children ready. Sometimes he rarely goes out with his family. His excuse, “It’s just easier if I go alone.” Sometimes it is better to get the shopping done without everyone, but fathers who rarely find the time to go out anywhere with their family have their priorities in the wrong place. How about it’s just easier to attract women when you are all alone than when you have a woman and two children in tote? Now all fathers are not like these examples, but there are many mothers who are crying because of them.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, For parenting tips and other useful information about babies and children Click Here!

Unloved

You may be a mother who had children for a man whom you thought loved you. You may have thought that your role as mother was worth so much more than an occassional hug, a holiday card, or a gift. Your children may not think much of your role, because they are either too young or old enough to know better, but refuse to acknowledge you as such. Whatever the case may be, it is the sickness you feel in the pit of your stomach and the ache you sometimes feel in your throat when you can't talk about the man or the children without choking up. Summed up in three words: you feel unloved!

I know because I have felt like this in the past similar to what Leah in the Bible must have felt like, even though I didn't purposely get pregnant (like she did) so that my men would love me, I know about that feeling of rejection. You see, I thought that I would be treated with some honor because I was a mother, but I learned that just because you feel a certain way about being a mother doesn't mean that the world will treat you like one! You may not carry yourself in a way that fits someone else's definition of what a mother is supposed to act like. I know at times I didn't fit anyone's definition, especially when I had bad stomach cramps and an unsupportive partner -- people just don't visualize mothers having bad days. When I say unsupportive, I mean, he was not interested in trying to make my role any easier. He wasn't interested in helping me ease my burdens as it related to the children. I needed daycare, he didn't want them in there. I needed more help from his side of the family, he didn't bother to go out of his way to get them to help me. I wanted him to treat me more like a woman such as making love, dating, etc. He rather treat me more like a babysitter and roommate.

One day I thought about women, myself included, who have relationships that started out good yet ended badly once the children arrived. A break up is challenging enough to deal with, but what's worse, is watching the father make your replacement (the other woman) feel more special than you! Here you are the woman who gave birth to the children, made sacrifices for them, loved and desired your man, yet he can manage to find the time to show another woman a good time while you sit at home not only spending time with your children, but babysit for him as well! I laughed to myself one day, as I was making food for the children, because I was thinking about the quickest way to administer justice on a father/partner who says, "He is bored, fallen out of love with you, needs some space..." is to give him custody of the children! Since he made you feel unloved during the relationship, didn't appreciate the efforts you had made with the children, and wouldn't do anything to make you feel comfortable being a mother, why not? Let him see how it feels to have to go everywhere with children in tote, to have to deal with the temper tantrums, to have to make time for their wants and needs, and to most of all feel unloved and unappreciated!

There are people in this world that often take advantage of mothers, because we have allowed them to do it. We don't make them suffer any consequences for the times they didn't help us when we needed them most, we don't allow them to experience parenting frustrations without playing Jesus, and we are often giving and never accepting the opportunities that are thrown our way to help us get back in touch with ourselves. If we are allowing these sorts of things to happen, then we can't expect much from our relationships.

Although we can't make a person love us, we can make them understand that our role isn't as easy as they think it is and when times get rough, we don't always have to be available. Sometimes we will have to turn off the phone, run some bath water, sit at a park, and do absolutely nothing!

Burn Out...

Every single day since I found out I was pregnant back in 2006, I have spent it with my children! Now it is 2009, and I am burnt out! Along the way, I did the movie thing, window shopping, asked the father to take them out for a few hours (which he did few and far in between,) requested my own family 3000 miles away from the grandchildren come out and visit, talked to his family (less than 30 minutes away) and they acted disinterested and often used "being busy" as an excuse to avoid contact with me -- I just couldn't shake my building resentment.

I remember wanting to do something different, something for myself, and my partner at the time met my eyes with a look like, "Your kidding me right?" I didn't specifically know at the time what I wanted to do for me, but one thing I did know for sure was that I wanted the children in daycare. He wasn't even a little bit happy with that even though I told him how it would benefit him and the relationship as well. I was even willing to have him cut the money he was giving me and give it to the daycare, but he wasn't having it!

One day I had an "aha" moment like when you suddenly realize a powerful truth about yourself or someone else. For once, I understood why some mothers resort to killing themselves, children and/or mates, the reason starts with feeling burnt out! At some point those around her suspected that she was falling apart, but they either were unwilling to help her, mentioned a few ideas and went on their way, or looked the other way. I learned that mothers do reach out for help prior to feelings of being burnt out, it's just people don't listen or don't take her seriously. I remember one day speaking to a relative about my issues and all I heard was her issues. She wasn't really concerned about what was happening to me nor could she read between the lines when I would tell her, "I am having dark thoughts." I went to my doctor and explained my situation she only recommended I go on vacation, but when I couldn't do that and came back again for the second time many months later, I talked more specifically about my increasing dark thoughts, by then she was all too willing to put me on an antidepressant!

At first the antidepressant worked miracles and I was practically skipping around the house, but then gradually I noticed that I was having an unusual amount of heart palpitations. I continued to take the medicine ignoring the signs until one day I ended up on the floor, having convulsions, and barely able to breathe while having absolutely no control over my body! Imagine being conscience of everything around you, but unable to communicate anything!

I told my doctor what had happened to me while taking the medication and to that she referred me to another doctor who had another medicine for me (yes, another antidepressant!) I was feeling good again on this medicine too, but then I gradually started having more heart palpitations and more convulsions at least once a month despite all my tests showing up normal! I performed Internet research on the drugs to find out how to ween myself off of them since my doctor was too busy to contact me about my getting off of them! By this time I had visited three doctors! I was angry and took matters in my own hands! I discovered quickly that other mothers online had a similar story! I was devastated that my doctor didn't bother to call me back knowing the difficulty I was having with the medicine and withdrawing from it!

As I thought about the events that led up to my cutting antidepressants out of my life, I learned that my issues weren't psychological but physiological. (Only one doctor was able to confirm my notion and recommended I stop seeing doctors about my issues and make some personal changes in my life!) I learned that my mind was running away from an environment I no longer wanted to be in and my unsympathetic, misunderstood (did I mention andropausal) partner couldn't grasp this concept! He thought that I should be happy being around the children all day everyday! Well children never completed me and where he got this idea of mothers being happy around their children all the time, I don't know. Yes, I had been a happy mom early on, but when I wanted something different to happen in my life, besides having a child, I began to burn out...my mind and body was literally ready to shut down for good!

So I write this blog entry specifically for those mothers who were prescribed antidepressants for physiological problems. You aren't going crazy, those around you who choose not to reach out and help you, are the crazy ones! Change your environment or get a new one!

I honestly believe that the judicial system should not only convict mothers who commit crimes on their children in a haze of insanity, but they should also convict these unsupportive spouses who claim, "I didn't know...I wasn't sure...I never knew..." They know they just put their own needs over the needs of the family while expecting the mother to stay in her place! She is reaching out when she says, "I need you...I would like for you...Could you..." It's up to these spouses to hear a mother's cry!

Motherhood and Single Blessedness

It is no longer taboo in the society that there are mothers who chose or who are forced to remain single despite of having a child. There are already a considerable percentage of single mothers in the overall human population worldwide. And gradually, the society is embracing these women as new breeds of liberated individuals, taking part of existence in this world.

Motherhood is a way of life that women choose or are destined to take in the later part of their lives. But then again, due to morality issues, we cannot solely pertain to Motherhood as a phase of life expected only at the latter part of their existence. There are of course women who got pregnant at an early age, and have assumed Motherhood from then on. Either way, mothers are still mothers. Whatever it is that is missing in their lives, such as a husband and a father to their children, it doesn't make they any lesser of a person. It even heightens their courage and strength as women who dared morality and social standards of doing without a husband to put up with for the rest of their lives. A woman is just equally competent to become a father and a mother to her children, and sometimes can provide even more than with a man in the family.

But what have made these women welcome single blessedness in their lives?

Motherhood is hard as it is. And having to wake up every day of their lives with a man that cannot fulfill his responsibilities for the family is extremely torturous for them, than living it all as a single mother. Women are starting to fill in the gaps in the society by taking over significant roles and positions that men couldn't have done any better. Thus, the present discriminatory movements against women are of low regards already because all of it is ultimately disregarded by the women's strong will of assuming even the hardest of all tasks, which is motherhood.

And so, it is only right for the society to accept the presence and the situation of single mothers. There is no reason at all that can validate or legalize condemning or limiting the rights of women who are able to go on with life as a single mother. The people must not forget that among those single mothers come most of the intelligent and socially active persons in the world that has made great changes in the flow of history such as Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. And so we must say, never judge a single mother because in their hands did the people grew that can change the face of the earth. And so they did along with many other people around the world.

Alexa Rae Ciriaco is a single mother, a teacher, and a writer. She is currently taking up her Graduate Studies on Educational Technology. She also specializes on parenting topics, specifically regarding infants and toddlers. She is also inclined into writing articles of various niche.

Mothers, Abortion, and Life

What can I say about motherhood? I can tell you that although as a child I didn’t like it nor did I want to be part of it that I grew out of the negative attitude about it temporarily. I did fantasize about having children when I fell in love with my high school sweetheart. I thought about how wonderful it would be to have two little girls that looked like him. However, when that relationship went south the fantasy went away too. I wasn’t interested in being a mother until I started attending church. The possibility became a reality, but did I truly want to be a mother? No. God told me that I would one day become one and when I received that word in my spirit I cried. The tears weren’t happy ones they were sad ones. I knew that to become a mother meant that I was no longer responsible for just me! I didn’t want that duty for the next 18 plus years of my life. However, love-struck me like it did many women and I would drop my defenses and my underwear not caring too much about the “what ifs” of life. What if the father doesn’t stay with me, what if we don’t have enough money to raise the child, what if I become ill and died? No “what if” concept crossed my mind until I later learned that indeed I was pregnant.

Bringing a child into the world is not as wonderful as religion would have you to believe. Some of you mothers reading this know what I am talking about. You see when you are the one carrying the child you aren’t thinking about everything positive and good about this life that is moving and shaking within you. Even worse, some women who are adamant about not having children don’t see “it” as being nothing more than tissue that needs to be removed out of a body that they feel isn’t ready for children. We can argue with one another about what we consider a precious life and what others consider mere tissue, but the reality is that you are a mother whether you choose to accept it or not whether you got rid of the evidence or not. If you aborted a child that didn’t abort the natural process you went through whether you were conscious of it or not at least during the first year (a friend shared her abortion experience with me.) Nor did the abortion stop the memories and the possibilities that creep into a mother’s mind on occasion and the regrets that later follow for many.

I have spoken to women who aborted children and they don’t seem all that happy about their decisions. They all justified their actions by not being ready for a child at the time. But who is ever ready? I was 24 when I had my first child and I wasn’t ready then and later at 34 I wasn’t ready again. Am I judging those who chose to abort? Not at all. I am just reiterating what these “mothers” told me. Were they mothers with cries? You best believe it! They cried for what could have been, what they could have, should have, and wished they had done. Some didn’t cry so much for the child or tissue, but they cried for even putting themselves in such a predicament. They may not have “mothered” a child, but at one time they were a mother.

Written by Nicholl McGuire
http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire