The Fine Line Between Being a Mother and a Babysitter

While going through various trials and tribulations in my past relationship, the following thought had crossed my mind: what if all those discussions about how we needed more "us" time ended up being "me" time to the point that we would use one another as babysitters since we had no one else to watch the children?

Well that thought never left back then prior to my divorce or now as I write and ironically the ex did end up using me as a babysitter so that he could do what he wanted.

Too often people are breaking up because they either don't want to bother to reconnect emotionally/spiritually with the mother or father of their children due to boredom, laziness, and/or unforgiveness. So they think that by seeking someone else, they are actually going to rekindle those romantic feelings they desire. Well, I wish I could say, wrong. But they are right. Being with someone else does spark those emotions you had when you first laid eyes on the mother or father of your children, but it doesn't last--it never lasts.

I read an article once that said that the newness of most relationships begins to wear off within the first three months of dating. This means that if you think the grass on the other side will be green for a long time, you are mistaken! So my thoughts led me to another thought, where is the fine line between being a mother who wants to be desired again by her spouse and being a babysitter who is actually watching the children while her spouse looks for love elsewhere?

I personally believe the fine line shows up when he or dare I say it, we show out! That's right, lots of arguing, slamming doors, yelling at the children, and more which unfortunately drive men and women out the door saying things like, "I don't need this! You watch the children! I can do bad all by myself, I don't need any help!" Before long you are stuck with the children on most days. He is golfing, shopping, visiting relatives and friends, while you are at home scolding the children. Of course, this could be the reverse and you are the one guilty of making the father a frequent babysitter. But let's just say you are the babysitter on most days he has free time. The father is enjoying a nice latte at the local coffee shop while reading the newspaper, while you are cooking and cleaning at home. This is what I call a mother turned babysitter. When you find yourself often watching the children for his events, you are not only the mother of his children, but a babysitter too especially when there is no one else to call on!

Some people don't want to see the truth when you bring it to light in this way. They say, "Well I am the mother so it is my responsibility to watch the children when he doesn't want to, can't..." Of course it is. But, you have to ask yourself are you doing it with a peaceful spirit or are you resenting how much time you are spending with the children secretly? Are you on the phone frequently complaining to family and friends about needing free time, space or accusing him of taking advantage of you? Are you suffocating your emotions that should be directed toward an inconsiderate spouse and then taking them out on your children? Think of how many children never make it to adulthood because a mother is just so overwhelmed with parenting. Think of how you or someone you know was negatively affected because "mom was always complaining about dad...they were always arguing about us...he hit her once...she hit him."

Responsible moms run the show, because they can't trust their irresponsible men to do it. Before long, he is walking out the door talking about how she is such a "b*tch" or "she doesn't let me do anything." Is there any validity to his statements? As moms, we have to let these men spend time with the children. So what they don't clean as good as us or serve the best meals. Consider the alternative, a frustrated mom turned babysitter who resents ever having her children. If you are guilty of often caring for the children and everything else around the household, and you are beginning to hate what you do, its time for a meeting about delegating some responsibility to that man.

If you are a divorced mom that has been doing any and everything to keep the peace between you and your ex including taking the children off his hands when you know it can be a bit too much at times, then it's time to think about creating a little distance. Why allow yourself to continue to be taken advantage of? Why let your future suffer while trying to appease your past?

Nicholl McGuire