When Mothers Cry About Money

There is never going to be enough money to do what we want to do. This is a hard truth for some mothers to swallow! To suggest that she live on less is insulting to some working mothers nowadays! Today's mother is more educated than her mother and grandmother. She is more conscious of the things her children need that will make them competitive in school. Every generation before her, wanted to give their children more than what they had.

It all sounds good, but when you are faced with a mountain of debt, some thing has got to give! What is it about money that is making you cry these days? Is it the husband that is spending far more than what you both can afford or is it you? Are the children having one problem after another or just one more activity that is burning a hole in your pocket? Is it necessary to have the four bedroom home, the two cars, the cell phones, the cable television -- all with bells and whistles? Does anyone really pay that close attention to the labels that you wear inside your clothes, on your feet or hung from your shoulder?

The fact is the more money we make, the more we want! The more credit we are accpeted for, the more we want to spend on others! Then we complain to family and friends about our money woes or better yet, we say nothing and pretend as if everything is fine when it is not! How do we find peace about money? For starters we have to learn to appreciate what we have! We think that we need new dishware, new furniture, new clothes for ourselves and the children, new gadgets for our man, and we will be satisfied with all of these purchases until...the dishware falls apart or doesn't work like we had hoped, the furniture and clothes get stained or tear, and the gadgets stop being used or don't work, then WE LOSE IT! We scream, "No one appreciates what I do! I'm still paying on that! I'm sorry I bought this! They don't make anything worthwhile!"

I guess the point of my blog is this, we put more hope in things then we do wisdom! Wisdom tells us that "If you buy that he will become angry or find an excuse to buy something equally or more expensive." Wisdom warns us, "If you get that for the children, they will only ruin it." Wisdom reminds us, "Remember the last time you got something for the household, no one cared as much about it as you, and so you spent more time scolding and warning then truly enjoying it!"

At some point through trial and error, you would think some mothers would get a clue, but they don't! It's time for a reality check, live below your means! Make do with what you have, dress it up, fry it, boil it, flip it, change it, move it, throw it out, give it away, most of all cut it off if it causes you to sin!

I wouldn't speak this way, if I hadn't cried over money in the past myself.

Be blessed not stressed!


Nicholl McGuire, for more articles visit: http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire This is also a great site to make some extra cash without paying for a single thing, so click the link!

My 10 Pet Peeves of Motherhood Written By a Mother with Sons

10. Crumbs everywhere. Crumbs on the countertop, on the floor, in the chairs, bedding, etc.
9. Little toy parts hidden behind things, corners, etc.
8. Traveling with everyone in tote on most days even it means just a simple trip to the store for some sanitary napkins!
7. People staying on the phone with you when they can hear your child crying in the background!
6. Never seeming to have enough money!
5. The wait in doctor's offices and emergency rooms.
4. The temper tantrums in the grocery and department store lines.
3. The affect that sugar has on my children (that's why I forbid the nice stranger offering candy to them!)
2. The nasty coughs that keep you up at night.
1. Children deciding to talk to me right when I am trying to hear something on television!!!!!!!!!

Nicholl McGuire, For informative articles about issues relating to parenting, family, and relationships, visit: http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

What Would a Dead Mother Say to You?

My potential mother-in-laws died too soon to tell me everything they wanted me to know about their experiences being a mother, yet it was in their actions while they were living that I learned enough skills to share with my own children, but I learned a lot more after they had died. You see, I hadn’t married their sons, but I felt like I had become engaged to them in our conversations over the years to determine that these women had come to terms with their titles of mother despite not ever wanting to become mothers in the way that they did.

Two women who specifically come to mind had not conceived all their children in ways that society would have deemed appropriate particularly during a time when most women were raised “to act like a lady.” They had children out of wedlock, had been either physically or sexually abused, and had married men that didn’t get everyone’s blessing.

I could understand what it was like to be told, “You are pregnant…” during a time when money and the man in your life was acting strange about being a father. Based on both women’s circumstances, I’m sure they went through the same. I learned from these women that it isn’t walking around pretending to be happy with your mother role or in other words a “fake it until you make it” philosophy that sustains you through what some would call a blessing, and others would call a storm; rather, it is an honest to goodness boldness that heals you. I’m not thinking about the “tell-it-like-it –is” attitude, but I am thinking more like the “I made my bed, now I will fix it” mentality.

Childbirth and childrearing it is what it is. You did the deed now do what you can to survive for you and your child. My potential mother-in-laws could have aborted, but didn’t. They could have run away from home and cut off all ties from anyone who shamed them. They could have abandoned their children, but avoided the temptation to run away. They could have given them up for adoption, but chose not to. Somewhere within themselves, they found the strength to care for their children despite the challenges they faced while not being mad at God. You see, it took great maturity on both their parts not to play "the blame game."

Between these two women there were nine childbirths, and all of them were successful even when one of the births happened through an unfortunate circumstance, a relative sexually abused her and she became pregnant. This survivor of sexual abuse didn’t allow the abuse to cause her to want to disown a part of who she was, and that takes great courage! Some women if put in the same situation would have found the event to be insurmountable and would have most likely ridded themselves of the shame.

Although these mothers who once impacted my life are now deceased, the grave hasn't kept them from speaking. They have left alot of their life behind to help other mothers learn from their mistakes and so the following is what I believe these deceased mothers and others like them would say to those of us still alive.

A dead mother if she could rise from the dead would tell you to “live your life!” She would say, “Stop living for your children and start living for you!” Some mothers would be appalled by this statement, to that they would say, “What do you mean not live for my children?” You see, mothers weren’t put on this planet to live for anyone but themselves (remember you were a woman first,) but the role of mother was created to service her children -- not live for them. So to live for someone and to service someone is two very different things, but some mothers and others who don’t know any better, have confused the two. To live for someone means your very existence depends on them. If it wasn’t for that person you would die. So if a mother thinks that all she has is her children to live for, then she is in a sorry state of mind and seriously needs to seek help. But if she awakes each day, being grateful for being alive and knowing that she could go through each day making decisions that will make her a better person then she is living her life—she is living for herself. Because it’s what she does with her life that will make the difference in another’s life. If she isn’t living for herself then who is she living for and don’t say God, because even God will have to say, “Dear, you don’t know me that well, but thanks I’m flattered."

A dead mother would also cry out from the grave and tell you to "stop lying to yourself and acting like something you are not." You see, many mothers have gone to their graves with false impressions engraved in the minds of their children who thought they knew their mother well. The reality is that she created an image that she thought would best depict her whether she chose to make people think she was happy and bubbly or depressed and angry. Whatever image she painted, that is if she died of a sane mind, chances are no one really knew her while she was alive. Mothers like these are big liars! The sad part is their families may have said or done something that didn’t make them feel comfortable about revealing their true self which made them feel like they should lie. Why would anyone want to share their heart with anyone who would be so quick to condemn them? These mothers went to their graves with dark secrets and unfortunately they couldn’t trust their own children with the full details of their lives.

A dead mother would also advise, “Be true to yourself and those around you no matter who gets hurt if it will deliver you from the burdens that you carry.” So you say “…that is a pretty selfish thing to do, aren’t mothers supposed to protect their children?” Of course, but once children become adults they are responsible for how they choose to deal with the truth. No one ever said that the truth won’t hurt, but it will set you free! Look at all of the young people currently having identity crises as a result of a parent who chose not to tell the truth; rather, they just walked out of their children’s lives without explanation. Shall we think of other examples to validate why a child needs to know whatever truth is pertinent to his or her existence?

In addition, a dead mother would tell you that "life is far too short to keep making the same mistakes" that she and others have warned you about over and over again. What were the mistakes she made with you? What do you find yourself repeating in your own parenting?

Lastly, she would tell you, "Watch how you spend your time and money." What kind of time are you spending with your children? Are you taking the time to sincerely get to know your children or are you booking that time up with so many activities that every time you speak to your child you are in a rush? As for money, where are you investing it and how will your child benefit from it in the future? Are you learning from the past? Are you concerned about the present?

If a dead mother could return from the grave, she would be most concerned about the things that affect your well-being. You don’t need a psychic to tell you something you already know. “Take care of yourself. I love you. I wasn’t mad at you. I forgive you.” The regrets that her children walk around in this world holding in their heart concerning his or her mother, is just taking up space. If she could talk, she would say, “Let it go!” If you aren’t taking care of your mind, body, and children, then who is? She may be rolling over in her grave now, because she sees her mistakes are being repeated with you and she can’t do anything about it.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, For more writings by this writer Click Here

Standing Up for Your Children

When a child can’t speak for him or herself, a mother comes to her child’s rescue. How dare anyone insult, belittle, abuse, threaten or even murder her child! A mother, who has had a son or daughter go through any one of these issues, is a mother with an angry cry.

May God have mercy on the one who hurt her child! She will come like a raging bull with police, relatives, church members, petitions, lawyers, or weapons whatever it takes to get justice for her child. Why would anyone in their right mind think that they could hurt someone’s child and get away with it?

I remember when a girl back in high school decided she was going to tell some people that she wanted to kill me. I knew she was jealous of me, but not to the point of threatening me behind my back. When word reached my mother’s ears, we practically ran to the school. Within a matter of minutes there was a meeting with the girl, a school counselor and the principal. Notice I didn’t mention her mother, wonder where she was? Word traveled fast, “Nicky’s mother was up at the school.” Now it is very unpopular for a parent to show up at your high school when you are in your teen years. I remember we all tried very hard to keep our parents out of our business, but someone threatening to kill you, is just cause to get everyone involved. The message sent to staff and students after my mother’s visit was “think twice about messing with my child.”

When a person who has wronged you knows that you have “mother” backup, they will try to resolve whatever issue they have with you. It gives the curse word “motherfu…r” a whole new meaning! The sales clerk doesn’t want your elderly mother to have a heart attack on his shift over an incorrect price on your sales receipt. The bank manager doesn’t want your mother to withdraw her life savings, because of a minor issue that could be resolved with one phone call for you. The principal doesn’t want your mother talking about him at the next PTA meeting, so he will clear his calendar for you. The pastor doesn’t want your mother not paying her tithes or spreading gossip, so he may go above and beyond for you. Most of all, your husband or boyfriend will not want your mother to tell you that he is no good for you, so he may not only be nicer to you, but offer to assist your mother too.

There is an experience that one, without a relationship with his or her mother, will never know or ever understand. It is when you are battling an issue or need someone that knows you well to speak on your behalf, a good mother doesn’t have to be asked twice. She will fight for you whether you are guilty or innocent. She will defend you when no one else will. She will stand up for you when everyone else wants to give up on you! She will fight, lie, steal, cheat or beg for you! She will pray for you and God will listen. However, a bad mother won’t do a damn thing for you when you need her! There are mothers reading this that are thinking about the times when their mother just didn’t seem to care when they came to her with a problem. The mother went so far as to ask the devastating question of “What did you do to cause this?” These mothers are crying every time they think about how their mother went against them when they needed her most. They had often wished for someone else to be their mother. Some of these mothers have gone so far as to disown their biological mother and take up a new one.

For a woman to call herself a mother and allow a defenseless child to drown in a mess that her child didn’t cause is a woman without a cry. She is the mother who will read something like this and ask, “What are all these mothers crying about?” She hasn’t allowed herself to experience pain or hasn’t been through enough yet to bring her to the floor in a fit of tears, but as we all know her day is coming. The day when she will not be able to run from her child’s cry or numb the pain with any alcohol, drugs, sex, religion, or ignorance. She will have to open her mouth and speak up for her child even when she rather not. She will have to reach down in her purse, find her wallet, take out some money and pay for something to help her child, even though she can’t afford to, and then she will begin to see what other mothers have been experiencing. What’s it like for a mother to have to do for her child when she doesn’t want to and they don’t deserve her help? It’s like a temporary inconvenience in her daily life. The dishwasher stops working, the lights get cut off, the car breaks down, all temporary problems, but when these things happen too often someone will want to hold someone accountable, dealing with children who have issues works the same way. However, when your child’s problem, becomes someone else’s, society blames no one, but you.

When a mother takes a stand for her child, she is doing something that services her more than anyone else. She is letting the world know that, “This is my child!” She doesn’t take too kindly to someone who doesn’t have children telling her how to raise her children either. To her, that is an insult, “Who does she think she is telling me how to raise my child?” She yells. It doesn’t matter that her child is the cause of the problem, but what matters is that she loves her child unconditionally. A love that is very hard to understand when you are a mother without a cry. Crying is like a flood it washes away whatever is in its path. Pain, guilt, sadness, worry, whatever, it cleanses the emotional poisons within and around us if we allow ourselves to cry. Children remember their mother’s cries and those tears will either force them to change or cause them to run away; however, whatever path they choose, they have learned a new element of pain that is much greater than when they fell and scraped their knees. They know that if mother cries something must be terribly wrong and they may try to comfort her by changing whatever they are doing to make her stop crying.

A mother who cries is a good mother. Crying is not a weakness for her, it is her strength it washes away selfishness, anger, resentment and confusion too. Crying brings clarity, strength, compassion, and a sense of self-worth. It reminds us that we are living, breathing, and only human. While some women will grow stronger mentally and physically as a result of defending their children’s cries, others will grow weak from the guilt of wishing they had done something, anything to help their children.

Written by Nicholl McGuire

Why Me? Motherhood Wasn't What I Wanted But It Happened

Kneeling beside my bed in my studio apartment in 1997, I began to pray, not because I was in need of anything in particular, but just because I could whenever I wanted. You see, I was single. No man, no children, no roommates, no pets, absolutely no one lived with me that I had to feel obligated to talk or care for and it felt good – too good.

So while I am kneeling beside my bed waiting for God to speak to me, I am suddenly saddened like someone getting ready to hear some of the worst news of his or her life. I didn’t quite know why I felt that way until I heard an audible voice from within my spirit, saying, “You will be a mother some day and you will marry.” This news was not what I wanted to hear. I was looking forward to hearing something else such as God telling me to attend a Bible college or do some missionary work, anything but this! I cried my first cry about being a mother. These were real tears, gut wrenching! I became angry all the while as I cried asking God, “Why?”

I couldn’t help but think about all of the women who wanted children in the world and hear I was being called to motherhood and marriage. I had just got out of an abusive relationship, so the last thing I wanted in my life was something else to test my patience and nerves. For the first time in my life I was sincerely happy and at peace in my eclectic looking apartment cheaply decorated with abstract art on poster board along the walls, decorated plastic containers and crates turned on their side to simulate bookcases.

Then again maybe I wasn’t really happy as I wanted everyone around me to believe during that time in my life. Loneliness had been my kryptonite back in the 90s. Like superman, this superwoman fell weak to my imagination of one caressing and kissing me and longed for my dreams to become real—a debonair gentleman to come into my life and sweep me off my feet and out of my boring routines. Yet, at the same time, I wanted to stay in my apartment and never interact with anyone unless I absolutely needed to, simply because my heart still ached over my past riddled with verbal and physical assaults from men who claimed they loved me.

What was so bad about my being called to motherhood and marriage? I really don’t know. I can’t seem to pinpoint exactly what had occurred when I was a child that caused me to disdain the possibility of me one day being a parent. I remember thinking back to those childhood days when I found marriage to be troublesome. I saw people around me looking at their mates as if they were sickened and/or aggravated by them. I saw the frustration in parents’ eyes when their children did just one more thing to make them yell, scream, cuss or whip them. Parenting was definitely not something I saw in my future. I remember my mother saying, “What if one day you meet a man and fall in love with him, you may want to have children.” I was still adamant in my beliefs when I responded to her, “I still don’t want any children and I don’t want to be with the same person for the rest of my life that is boring!” I remember her being hopeful about my future when she commented, “You are still young, you may change your mind when you are older.” I had hoped that I wouldn’t.

As I pondered the news God gave me about motherhood and marriage, I remembered a radio interview on a Christian station. When the interviewer asked the guest about the various callings God had made on his life, he commented that he may not have liked everything God put on his plate, but he ate anyway. I thought about my own calling. Although this idea of being a mother wasn’t what I had in mind, I could accept it; however, the challenge I had was to try an convince the little child within me that it was okay that our Father in heaven knows what’s best for us. As I began to think more about motherhood, I realized I really hadn’t come to terms with being a mother even when I learned almost two years later that I was pregnant and I felt guilty that I wasn’t married first even though God was already aware of the order of events. I had often wished during the pregnancy that God would take the baby from me, and could I get “a do over” roll for my life?

I didn’t like the thought of how the baby would impact my future, those around me and how the baby changed me mentally or physically. What exactly did I have planned for my future in 1997 anyway? I really didn’t know. I had been educated at very good universities and had a resume two pages long! I allowed myself for the first time in my life to awake each day with no focus other than to work at my data entry job, pray to God, eat, read, shower, go to sleep and awake the next day to do it all over again each and every day until God told me different. Up until that point in 1997, I had never had a dull moment in my life! For me to behave that way back then was almost insane to those who knew me. I was never one for not having a plan for my present and my future. I never had an opening in my schedule that was ever left for God, casual reading or just sitting down and relaxing. I sometimes wonder had I allowed myself to keep busy would I have ever entertained a single thought of desiring the touch of a man.

The opportunity to abort my baby had been given to me by a nurse, who said it was a requirement to ask, but I didn’t have the mindset to think twice about it since being influenced by talk shows that provided details of the procedure and biblical teachings discouraged me. I asked God, I told God and sometimes I swore at God about allowing this to happen to such a sinner. I almost pleaded, “This isn’t what I wanted…” To that, he said nothing.

I was angry with God because I was mere flesh who hadn’t been strong enough to turn sex away. My happiness about being alone had wore off quickly. I became like so many single, lonely women desiring a companion that would make me feel complete. The chance I took that night to allow my lover to enter me unprotected could have resulted in much more than a baby. Exactly how many times we slept together unprotected, before I became pregnant I don’t remember, all I recall was we hadn’t known each other that long before the “surprise” came. I remember wondering why my belly continued to grow despite my participation in professional physical fitness training and watching my diet.

I don’t know if God told me this or if I reasoned it, but I started to believe that God gave me, the gift of motherhood, because he planned to use the children in the future, not only for his glory, but to create a new and improved me. In the past, I noticed as young as fifteen that having children made some young women act mature beyond their years. They seemed to have a more settled demeanor about them and they viewed the world a lot differently after having babies. Pregnancy seemed to mold and shape them into women that had more compassion for others, became less selfish, and provided an insight about life they would have otherwise never had.

Why wasn't the information and counseling readily available for women when they didn't want to abort, but didn't want to keep the child either after giving birth? Where are the support groups for mothers-to be who don’t want to be mothers, but are too afraid to tell anyone they don’t want their child and rather put him or her up for adoption? Who holds pregnant women’s hands when they have second thoughts about being mothers? Although I struggled with the idea of being a mother throughout my pregnancy and often wished that God would take his blessing back, nothing prepared me for the day I saw my baby’s eyes. With tears in my eyes and when no one was looking, I quickly asked God, in a quiet whisper, for forgiveness. “Please forgive me Lord I didn’t know what I was thinking or saying. Thank you for giving my child life.” The baby looked at me as if God used his eyes to reply, “You are forgiven.”

Three children later (a grand total of four) I have never asked God to take any of them like I did with the first, but I have requested that he bless me with the wisdom and the strength to stand before the obstacles set before me. I have repeatedly commanded that God send his angels down to help me quiet a crying child. I have also prayed to God far too many times to count to give me peace of mind. For there are times that I felt as if my head would come off and I would lose my legs to stand, because of the stress of raising children. Sometimes my own cries drowned out my children’s moans, sighs, whines and screams. When I am feeling at my worse, I go to some faraway place in my mind where I can’t hear them and for that moment I feel okay. I get off my knees or out of the chair I am sitting in when this happens and proceed to wash the dirty dishes, clean the crumbs off the floor, make a bed, sort some laundry, go out for a walk (when daddy is home) or get on the phone. For I know that if I allow my mind to stay in that far away place that drowns out the sounds of children too long, they may hurt themselves, but if I come out of that far away place too soon and don’t allow myself enough time to cry a good cry, then I may be the next woman on the news.

A mother-to-be goes through so many mental and physical changes. It doesn’t give her any encouragement about her calling when there are so many miserable mothers around her trying to advise her on childbirth and childrearing. They are telling her things like, “I didn’t want to see my baby’s face after all she put me through…I was ready to hurt my child about…His dad was no help to me…The baby didn’t allow me to get any sleep, I was ready to throw him out the window…” The new mother is definitely not ready for what is ahead when she can’t see the bright light at the end of the tunnel and the women around her don’t bother to be a beacon of light for her. In her mind all she hears herself saying is, “I am not ready for this!”

One day while walking my children, I had a conversation with a neighbor about children. She said she never wanted any. I couldn’t help but think why was it that she got her wish and I hadn’t. She reasoned that God didn’t allow it to happen to her, because he knew in her heart that she truly didn’t want any. She said she loved her nieces and nephews and were grateful for them. I had wanted the same, no children, at least so I thought, but maybe God knew my heart better than I knew it and gave them to me anyway.

Another day, I had been walking my children again and saw two pregnant women walking side by side. I couldn’t help but speak to them while they smiled and waved to both of my sons riding in a double stroller. They asked if I had twins, I said, “No, they are fifteen months apart.” They commented on how cute they were. As we exchanged small talk, I remember saying something to encourage them, although I have since forgotten what I said, I do recall how they reacted, they smiled.

I guess my only request for mothers who are around expectant mothers is to be lighthouses for them. Direct them toward the light that will give them the strength to keep going even when they are experiencing dark waters, raging storms, and heavy winds in their lives.

Written by Nicholl McGuire

When Fathers Aren't Ready to be Daddys

While we were struggling with the idea of being a new mother, they were trying to make sense of how was it that one night with us would slow down their lives for at least the next 18 years too! They had plans just like we did. He wanted to go places, dine and wine, enjoy a life of luxury, come and go as he pleased, sleep in as late as he wanted, but then the news came. While we talk ourselves into this idea of being a mother, there are fathers who are and have talked themselves out of being a father. To think that a child will need to be diapered, fed, rocked to sleep, entertained, carried, groomed, walked, taken to the doctor and so much more is too hard for some men to accept! They lose sleep, an appetite, a passion for sex, and a general interest in the mother of their child just from thinking about all that is forthcoming. “Why me,” some fathers will ask. Others say, “Another expense…” They didn’t want to be fathers no more than some of us wanted to be mothers. They, like us, had a choice, but there issue is a little bit more complex than ours. Let’s say he finds out that his girlfriend is pregnant and he does want his child, but she rather aborts him or her. He has no control over his girlfriend’s body to make her not have the baby; therefore, he can’t stop her from getting an abortion if she is determined to do so. However, there are many more stories where men don’t want their children and the mothers do want them. When this happens, he usually becomes distant and eventually absent out of the expectant mother’s life before the baby is born. So there she is a new mother with no support mentally, financially or physically from the man she wants loved. Now she has to raise a son or daughter who will never know their father. The reality that daddy isn’t around nor does he care, makes mothers cry and eventually they stop crying and become bitter vowing that they will never love another man like they did the father of their child again.

There are those men who don’t leave the mothers of their children, but they give everyone in the family a hard time because they feel obligated to stay. He is caught in between being a player and being a father. He wants to be at home, but he also wants to be out in the street. He enjoys watching his children grow up, but he doesn’t want to clean up. Men like this, contribute to a mother’s cry on a daily basis. They have mood swings that come and go often. While sitting in front of the television watching the game, the baby cries, while mother is in the kitchen cooking and he is aggravated because she won’t go to the baby and make him or her stop crying. The family is preparing to go to an event and he grooms himself first never offering to help his wife get the children ready. Sometimes he rarely goes out with his family. His excuse, “It’s just easier if I go alone.” Sometimes it is better to get the shopping done without everyone, but fathers who rarely find the time to go out anywhere with their family have their priorities in the wrong place. How about it’s just easier to attract women when you are all alone than when you have a woman and two children in tote? Now all fathers are not like these examples, but there are many mothers who are crying because of them.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, For parenting tips and other useful information about babies and children Click Here!

Postpartum Blues: One Mother Shares Her Story

After delivering my last son of four, I am taken to a hospital room floor for women recovering from C-sections followed by postpartum blues. I had my share of the blues! The night before it was time for me to go home, I cried. I had an ache that crawled inside of me and sat in the pit of my stomach. Suddenly, I became afraid, I didn’t want to go home I told my nurse. She asked me, “Why?” She had a look on her face as if she was preparing herself for me to say that I had an abusive partner at home, was unable to financially care for the child, or relatives who didn’t care. Instead, I told her I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t know what to expect. My partner didn’t seem happy about being a father for the second time and I was unsure about him being very helpful to me. I had no family or friends that would be coming over. Then I cried. I cried harder about going home more than I ever did about staying in the hospital.

She was sympathetic. She had shared a story with me of her own relationship drama. She didn’t like going home herself, because she was alone. Her mate had been away for months now on “business” and she didn’t know when he would be returning. She had offered to pray for me and then just like that she was gone. I wanted her to stay longer, and tell me more about this partner who had been gone for so long on “business,” but I didn’t dare ask any more questions that would have kept her with me any longer, since there were plenty more women on that floor who probably had even worse issues. I guess the idea of being a mother for a fourth time, my partner’s “true” reaction to it and my being so far away from home (I live 3,000 miles away from everyone I know), brought those ugly blues out into the open.

The next day my boyfriend showed up with flowers (I had asked for,) so that I could give them out to the hospital staff that helped me. Surprisingly, there were a few in the bunch he had picked up for me that I hadn‘t requested. I say “surprisingly” because when he came to see me in the hospital the night before, I was irritable due to our oldest child being fretful, loud and his father not being able to control him. I was in pain and just couldn’t handle the temper tantrums, I’m sure you could understand if you are a mother, so I was tearful, I wanted him and my noisy child to go home. He brought none of his family to help him with our child or maybe none was available. Whatever the case, I had recently given birth and I was sick and tired of being tired.

You may have had emotional lows too and all you wanted was for your partner to be understanding, but no matter what you said or did, he still didn’t act a little bit interested. Babies change relationships. I haven’t seen one where things got better as a result of having a baby. Men “act different” when their lovers become mothers. He never sees you the same way, for some men they may fall in love harder, but for many they are looking for the next woman who they didn’t have children with to compliment, encourage, entertain, feed and ultimately have sex with them, simply because she doesn’t have those “issues” that motherhood brings. The new woman has never said and did anything that offended him, but he has a history with the old one. A history of watching her vomit because the baby has upset her stomach, being a victim of her occasional mood swings, and seeing her body go through undesirable changes.

Having children brings out the best and worst of anyone. They tap on emotions you didn’t think you had. They cause you to reach new levels of love, compassion, anger, sadness and any other feeling inside you may not have ever experienced. Whether you are a stay-at-home mother, working or retired mother you can relate.

My one week of emotional highs and lows came and went. With each passing day, I became stronger mentally and physically. The baby’s cries would trigger a negative reaction within me, but I didn’t dwell in the negativity, I just answered his demands and did what needed to be done. I was too busy to think about whether I was happy or sad about my newborn. For over a month, the baby needed something every two hours each day and night. There were times when dad was a help and there were times where I might as well been alone.

I couldn’t recall when was the last time I cried about anything related to the baby. My newborn did enough crying for the both of us as he grew older. Instead, my tears behind closed doors were for his dad...

To read more about Ms. McGuire's ordeal, get her book entitled When Mothers Cry available on Amazon.com.

Written by Nicholl McGuire for more writings by this writer visit Click Here!

When Mothers Cry Over the Grandparents

The stereotype for grandparents is that they are supposed to love their grandchildren and spoil them rotten. I say, “Stereotype” because just like every black person can’t dance every grandparent isn’t a “grand” parent! There are those grandparents who just like the parents didn’t want to become “grand” parents. To them there is nothing “grand” about being a parent. They didn’t enjoy parenting their own children, let alone, being a parent to their grandchildren.

Some of these grandparents hear of another birth of a child in the family and think about two things: money and death. “I am trying to retire, I don’t have money to spend on all these grandchildren!” some complain. “I’m getting older now. All these babies being born in the family only means one thing, I will be going soon!” Thank God not every grandparent has such a negative view on being a grandparent, but there are plenty particularly when some are in their mid thirties with grandchildren!

Mothers cry when they notice that their own parents aren’t even a little bit interested in their grandchildren. So fearful these grandparents are that they will have to baby-sit, they make themselves busy. “I don’t want to be bothered, I have too much stuff to do, if she brings the children over, she will stay with them, because I am not watching them,” some say. Now this attitude is justified if their own children are taking advantage of their hospitality and generosity, but for the grandparents who haven’t bothered to bond with their grandchildren it is sad.

Some grandparents aren’t very good teachers either. They can’t or won’t bother teaching their own children on how to be a parent or share wisdom with their grandchildren. Teaching requires work and some don’t want to step up to the task of teaching because it requires time they don’t want to share and money to educate. Being a grandparent is a second chance at being the parent he or she couldn’t be with their children. Years ago, he or she may have been too busy to bother with their own children, may have been too young to really understand what it meant to be a parent, and may have been too stressed about making money to bother with spending time with their own children. Grand parenting is a gift. Grandparents can use their opportunity to pick up where the parent left off and at the same time resolve their feelings of parental regret before they die. However, there are some grandparents who miss this important point about their role. They feel more comfortable criticizing parents about their parenting practices, then making positive contributions.

Mothers see things when relating to people that oftentimes their partners don’t see. They see the anger in a grandparent’s eyes that may not have approved of her choice in a partner from the beginning let alone the offspring that came from him. The mother observes the favoritism between her siblings and the grandchildren given to them by her parents and she knows when the grandparents are trying to cover up their actions by mere words, “I love all my grandchildren the same!”

Mothers also see when grandparents are using the grandchildren as a means to control their lives too. “If you move, I won’t be able to see my grandchildren.” A move doesn’t have to keep the grandparents from their grandchildren. If they truly love them, they will make the effort to visit the grandchildren. But far too often, grandparents won’t see them unless their children save money to go where they are. Knowing that it is a hassle and not necessarily affordable, the grandparents rather sit back and wait for the visit rather than get out of their comfort zone.

Mothers also see when the grandparents don’t want to be grandparents. They don’t call or write, acknowledge a holiday and unfortunately bad mouth about their children to other siblings, family members, friends, even strangers! “My daughter never comes and sees me! I don’t know why she won’t let me see my grandchildren!” Mothers cry about all these things, but for the mentally strong mothers, they don’t cry long when it comes to grandparents. Some mothers will either encourage the grandparents to join their grandchildren’s lives whether they like it or not. They may drop by unannounced, invite them to go places with the family, send letters, cards or video even when grandparents don’t ask or give them money or gifts “just because” or during holidays. They make a point to talk about their children, even when the grandparent doesn’t bother to ask, “How are my grandchildren?” However, some mothers don’t have the time or energy to build relationships with the grandparents, so they simply write them out of their lives. “If she wants to see her grandchildren, she knows where I live.”

Life is too short. Mothers, along with the help of the fathers, bring life into this world. Although it isn’t always celebrated, it is still life. Whether a grandparent chooses to acknowledge their legacy and go out of their way to be an integral part of influencing the child is left up to them (of course, for those who have the power to do it.) Not everyone is fortunate to have even a small opportunity to be a part of their grandchildren’s lives and that makes grandmother’s cry.

Written by Nicholl McGuire, For more articles by this writer, connect on Twitter.

Mothers Who Feel Guilty

“I could have…, should have…, would have...” Mothers are crying for the things they could have done for their families, but chose not or could not for whatever reason. They cry now because their children in the past looked up at them with tears in their eyes and said, “Help!” And they walked away.

Now I believe in tough love, and it can reap great life lessons that benefit the children in both the short and long term. However, tough love without a starting and ending point becomes crazy love. When one’s child is demonstrating that he or she has learned from his or her life lessons it isn’t necessary to keep punishing them. Why is it that some mothers reach a place in their heart where they are so cold? Is it because their children have hurt them so much emotionally to the point that they become numb? Does anyone bother to explain to these mothers, what is the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship with their children? Maybe some of these mothers just don’t realize it until it’s too late that they are walking in a bubble when it comes to relating to their children. If no one is there to say, “Hey Jane Doe you are being abusive to your children when you say that or do that,” then how does she really know whether she is being good to her children or not?

I was told that I didn’t hug my children enough by my former spouse who reflected on how much his mother hugged him. Although I felt I hugged them plenty, I began to pay closer attention and found that I really wasn’t hugging them as often as I thought. I could actually count on one hand how many times I hugged them in a week. Now would I go so far as to say that too little hugging or too much hugging can cause them to be this way or that way when they become older, no, but what I would say is that hugs do make a difference. Family and friends who have spoken to me about this topic of hugging have admitted that they do have problems with intimacy resulting from their parent’s lack of affection. One family member made this statement, “I wonder had we turned out any different if our daddy would have hugged us?” That question brought tears to my eyes. We are kidding ourselves as mothers if we think our children can escape dysfunction without being talked or listened to, hugged, kissed or made to feel loved and appreciated.

Children need it all! No, we can’t do it all, but we can give them the great allusion as if we have done it all! Creating a plan and tapping into the resources around us to help our children is all we need to be guilt free parents. Keep in mind that some family, friends, and strangers will come with their motherhood stories and advice to make them feel better about their selves while attempting to put other mothers down. Some mothers make the mistake of encouraging these self-righteous advisors by asking questions and taking what they say personal, then later beating themselves up with their negative statements. When handling criticism, one mother told me, “I take what others say go in one ear and out the other.” Another mother said, “When I leave this world I won’t have any regrets, because I know I was a good mother to all my children.” One common trait that I noticed with “guilt free” mothers is that they at least make an attempt to be there for their children, come hell or high water! From remembering birthdays for their adult children that were missed when they were younger to spending quality time with their children when they couldn’t be there for them. They are trying to resolve past issues so why bother to criticize them for their efforts?

Written by Nicholl McGuire, For more articles by this writer Click Here!

Why do some mothers make life harder by imposing their choices on other mothers?

Why do some mothers criticize one another over the littlest of things? Whether she is a young mother who forgot to cover the baby’s head while getting out of a car or an older mother who is trying to breast feed her child in public, there is always some comment from afar. “Why doesn’t she cover the baby’s head, that’s why her child will be sick? Does she have to breastfeed here they should make it a law not to?” The self-righteous mother acts as if she has been able to get everything right the first time.

You may have decided to return back to work within six weeks after you had your baby and I may have chosen to stay at home. You may have decided to quit your job and allow your husband to take care of you. I may have stayed at my job, divorced my husband, and gave him custody of the children. Whatever our situations, why is it that mothers are critical of one another? “She should have kept her children. Why would she return back to work so soon after having a baby? If I was her I would find a man that made more money. After what he did to me, I would have taken the children and he would never be able to find us.” Chances are everything that these mothers comment about, if placed in a similar situation, they wouldn’t even take their own advice. So why is it that some mothers are so hard on other mothers? Because they feel they have a right to be.

Some women feel because they have crossed that threshold into motherhood and did well accepting their roles, they have appointed themselves as an authority on what other mothers should do or say when it comes to handling family matters. The truth is that in order to get to a place of comfort in their lives, they had to make many terrible mistakes to get there and rather than be honest and say, “Yes, I have been there and done that and I don’t want you to make the same mistake,” they will criticize other mothers to cover up their own shortcomings. They are fearful that if they advise rather than be critical that they would have to reveal too much of themselves. Therefore, putting their choices under the same scrutiny that they give to other mothers—of course they don’t want to do that! Other mothers are critical because they are envious. For example, they may wish that they had enough courage to return back to work so soon after having a baby or been strong enough to let their sons or daughters live with their father.

The mother who has no life outside of the family home seems to be the biggest gossip in my experience. She doesn’t have enough to do to stay off the phone or out of someone else’s home. She always seems to find the time to update everyone on the latest happenings in the family and in the community never bothering to leave out her negative personal opinion. Her mouth often gets her into a lot of trouble. “Did you hear that our neighbor’s son is in jail, you know if that were my son…? The paramedics had to take the man up the street to the hospital, I think it was because of all that drinking he got sick. He shouldn’t have been doing it in front of his children. Did you know that our friend just lost her children? She should have, she was always out partying.” However, the part that the gossip tends to leave out is her life experience. She chooses not to divulge how she had been physically, mentally or verbally abused by her husband in front of the children and she allowed it. She fails to mention how she has few friends, because she can’t seem to keep her mouth closed long enough to get any. Finally, and the most important of all, is she doesn’t want you to know how she has failed as a mother. Her children will tell you that they don’t like their mother for various reasons including her being critical of their life choices. Although this is an example, it is very real for some mothers who are trying to be good mothers, but along comes some gossip mother type who thinks she has it all figured out on what constitutes “a good mother” and to hell with the rest of us who may fall short of her expectations.

I can see why some women don’t have good relationships with their own mothers, mother-in-laws, motherhood groups, their church and other people and organizations that are suppose to provide support to mothers. The criticism can be overwhelming and if you are not content in your role as mother, these people can say and do things that can break you down mentally. Unfortunately, this happens all too often to some mothers who come from these meetings. They are crying to their husbands, complaining to relatives or praying to God somewhere alone. They are trying very hard to be the mother who can cook, clean, work, care for the husband and children, attend church regularly, keep up with the doctor’s appointments, the afterschool functions, organize the holiday celebrations and much more and despite all their efforts it is never good enough. There will always be some mother who will have something negative to say, “There weren’t enough things for the children to do at the last function. How come we never see your children at the meeting? You know that is not how we do it. It’s a family tradition…you should…you need to…you ought to…”
How about mothers, who are trying real hard to be good mothers, stop venting to their husbands, relatives and friends about their frustrations with other mothers? Instead, set the record straight the minute these critical mothers want to verbally assault you behind your back, you tell them to their face, “This is my function…this is my house…these are my children…and I am doing the best I can for what I know, how about you just sit back and keep your mouth shut!” As I write, I think about the mothers who rather keep quiet and let God handle matters and to that I say, even Jesus had to speak up sometime for what is right. Start praying that the Lord will give you the courage to speak up in his time not during times you think may not be right. Too often, we assume that every special occasion is not the right time to say anything, but sometimes these mothers hide behind the “this is not the right time” excuse to get away with doing things to hurt you, don’t let it happen to you. Although you may not get these critical mothers to keep quiet about you, you will have taken a stand, and let them know that you can’t and will not be bullied. If you don’t stand up for your role as mother who will?