Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years - How I Avoided the Holidays for Over a Decade

You would think a wife and mother of four sons would be all in for the holidays year after year after year.   Throw in the in-laws and one's own family and now you have a cesspool of money spent, stress levels reaching unknown levels, and some of you all know the rest.  But I avoided all of that for over a decade and here's how I did it.

1)  I stated my thoughts about the holiday season and let people know upfront I didn't have the time or money to acknowledge their requests for gifts.  My reasons for not celebrating ranged from spiritual to financial.

2)  I didn't encourage my children to ask myself or others for gifts.  Why would I do that when I was already meeting their needs throughout the year?  If they wanted anything they could ask other times of the year rather than burden others during a time when they were already financially strapped.  Those narcissistic individuals could never blame us that we were selfish, ungrateful, greedy, or needy after the holidays like they did with others.

3)  I didn't accept invites to holiday gatherings nor did I volunteer my services when I knew full well that holidays wasn't my thing.

4)  I redirected my money toward bills that needed to be paid and timed large payments and payoffs accordingly so that I wouldn't be tempted to buy anything during the holiday season.

5)  I didn't spend my hard-earned money decorating the halls while the fathers (two) of my children held on to theirs for personal spending and retirement.

6)  I made no promises or commitment to anyone that I would be buying anything for them now or in the future.

7)  I made myself unavailable to receive phone calls near that time so that I wouldn't be guilted by the manipulative ones about being a Scrooge, mean or whatever other label they put on me.  Too much disrespect, so-called joking, and I cut them off.

You can utilize these tips and find peace for you and your household in the short and/or long term.  It isn't going to be easy implementing most of these tips in your life when you have already spoiled everyone with your gift-giving.  However, once you start setting boundaries early on, you will find that you aren't stressed like others during the holiday season.  Besides, one of the major things I did (save the best for last) was I prayed and allowed God to direct my steps.  Of course, you won't be immune to the holiday planning, gift-giving, and other things that occur year after year for always, but what you will escape is the drama and trauma brought on by self and others during the holidays because you simply choose to rise above it while moving far away from idol worship!

Happy holidays!

Nicholl McGuire

Halloween Fun and Foolishness

I didn't see puberty coming.  It came too fast! Two of my four sons are going through it.  From the cracking voices to the occasional comments about something changing, growing, aching, or downright annoying!  They are content one day seated in front of their gaming devices and angry the other wanting to beat each other up.  Dull days are few and far in between in my household especially this past Halloween.  The devil was busy!  Leading up to the holiday, the atmosphere seemed tense.  You felt like something was about to happen but you didn't quite know what it was.  The unseen and unexplained challenging moments in a day tend to show up sometimes with a clue to brace yourself, but not always those full blown signs to take cover.

Let me start by saying that Halloween is not a holiday I like or celebrate, but this year was different.  I felt pressured by the children the night before when they were rattling the door knob while I took a shower.  They were making random noises to jolt a scare.  These boys were all-too-excited for no apparent reason, and I simply didn't connect the dots at first, oh yea, Halloween.

Well, I wasn't taking their scare tactics lightly, oh no!  The tables were going to turn like they did on Friday the 13th back in 2017.  Back then they tried to scare me again, waiting for me to come out the bathroom while one son yelled at the door in a creepy voice, "Hey Mom, are you in there pooping, ha, ha, ha!"  You can check the short movie out, their fear was real, see here.  Well if I was, I wouldn't have a pleasant bowel movement of peace and quiet, now would I?  I came out that bathroom to a pitch black house just the light from the bathroom shined in the hallway.  Uh oh.  So they wanted to play games in the dark, well let's begin!  Let's just say by the time I was finished with them, they didn't try anything else again until this year.

October 30th I made sure that I moved through the house like a track star.  All lights cut off, doors semi-cracked, and the sounds of thumping and bumping with a periodic pause in between.  They thought they were ready for me with their creepy music and their flickering lights.  A loud "booh" and a scream, sent them running in the dark.  Of course, it was a dangerous game, someone could get hurt.  Well there was a lesson to be learned when a child attempts to scare his mother while at the same time just having fun.

I caught the youngest coming up the stairs.  I laid low and watched him through the staircase.  He looked up and there I was with a loud, "Booh!"  He tripped down the stairs and caught himself by catching the rail.  The middle son decided to boldly walk over to the basement door assuming that I may not be there, that was just too obvious so he thought.  He opened that cracked door, didn't he know from watching thrillers you don't go to a dark opened door?  There I was, "Booh!"  Shook him enough and he too took off running.  Then there was my second eldest standing at about 6'2" so he thought he had more courage than them all, well he didn't!  He practically knocked his brothers over running to the bathroom to lock himself in.  The eldest son wasn't a part of the action he has his own place now, "lucky" or I mean blessed for him--lol.

For years, I told these kids about Halloween, but sometimes you have to show them, better than you can tell them.  I'm grateful that no one got hurt.

Nicholl McGuire

The Spider Mother - based on Nicholl's book Tell Me Mother You're Sorry

When a Partner Doesn't Listen to Your Cry, Children Could Care Less

Ever been frustrated when attempting to communicate your concerns to a partner?  He or she shrugs, fakes interest, or responds in a tone that brings out the worse in you.  Meanwhile, children couldn’t care less that the dispute was instigated by what they said or didn’t do. 

No one heard the instruction, caution, or anger spewing out of your voice attempting to keep something from occurring days or even weeks prior.  The day goes on.  Mom is the crazy one and everyone else is sane.

When your family doesn’t hear you, there are times where you have to be like an annoying fly until they do.  Of course, they will want to do what they can to make you go away, but persistent moms get the job done.  Whether they post reminders all over the house, call twice a day plus send texts checking in on their troubled children, or stand in the living room with a bullhorn to get everyone to stop fighting, Mom knows that some activities require un-divided attention.  She may have to take children’s favorite items out of rooms in order for homework to be completed and cut off time spent with favorite relatives and friends until matters at home are addressed. 

When her relationship is begging for aid, Mom might go out of her way to change her entire appearance, cook a full spread meal, and purchase her husband’s favorite drinks just to say, “I love you!”  Her husband may be oblivious as to what is happening with her, at home and the children due to work obligations.  As crazy as some of this might sound, there just is no getting through to some people with tough personalities without some attention-grabbing action.  

Now you may not be like that over-the-top with getting results from your family, and the truth be told neither am I.  I am not the type who stands on a soap box yelling at the top of my lungs, wearing a Tutu trying to get my family to hear me.  Yet, whatever creative or not-so creative way you come up with, the objective Mom is to get someone in that house to hear your cry before you do something that you might later regret!

Many mothers are killing themselves softly inside, because they refuse to voice their concerns about things like: their children’s school progress, their husband’s infidelity, the busy-body in-laws, an addiction that has crept up out of nowhere, internal pain and suffering, etc.  These so-called Super Moms believe that by “keeping the peace” and balancing everything under the sun they are doing the right thing.  However, what they are really doing is building ticking time bombs on the inside.  If only some deceased husbands and babies knew before they were placed six feet down in their graves. 

What a mother chooses to do to communicate with her stubborn family members has to be attention-grabbing, functional, within reason, and most of all out of love.  Not only are you expecting your family to hear you, but you have to be willing to hear them too.  As I have said awhile ago, a lot of Moms are leaving this world before their partners.  They are exhausted with having to work jobs that they don’t like or require long hours, manage household, care for children, check on relatives, catch up with friends, run errands, follow-up with doctors, take prescription medicines, plan holiday events, and more.  They are running themselves ragged!

I shared with my children one day what I needed from them.  I repeatedly told them about chores, posted the lists where they could see them, and asked them about homework.  I reminded them of the consequences.  They have since had to learn the hard way.  I sat down with my husband on many occasions communicating my concerns about many things respectfully, angrily, and silently.  When issues aren’t addressed once again there are consequences.  As much as you don’t want to see any of your family members suffer, there comes a point where what you are feeling inside transfers on to them simply because there is an unwillingness to change.  There is more to life then one’s personal comfort, routine, and what he or she feels is “right” to them. 

Quality families are built on trust, communication, respect, and love.  Without these things, they are destined to fail.  I told my children one day, “When I walk out this room, I trust that you are going to do what I told you…I respect you, but I don’t like your not listening…I love you but I don’t have to like what you are doing.  If your brother (or anyone) is doing something you don’t like and after you told him and he is still doing the same thing, you come tell me and I will deal with him.”  They know not to keep things bottled inside, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves of the same thing.  Don’t be worried or fearful about irritating or angering one of your relatives because you need some cooperation from them!

Share your cry today with someone whether online or offline who needs to understand what is bothering you, why you aren’t your typical happy self, and what you might need to help you get through another day! 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. 

Queen Naija - Mama's Hand

No One Said Being a Mother Was Easy at Any Stage

If there was one thing I learned from experience and talking to other mothers, it isn't easy being a parent--it requires work mentally, physically and spiritually!  No matter what stage these boys were in from newborn to young adult, we had our share of parenting challenges.

A lot of what I personally went through emotionally in the past had much to do with trying to be all things to them even when I could have done the following such as: delegated responsibilities, limited or withheld spending my money--let someone else pay for something, avoided certain topics that I didn't feel I was ready to discuss, took more time-outs for self--without children, sought counseling rather than hold things in at times, build a personal network of strong mothers, and more.

The "should have, could have, would have..." internal speech did nothing more than brought on regrets and harsh criticism from myself or others who felt like they could say something not-so positive or encouraging.  Know-it-all moms, well they don't make the best listeners, now do they?  What I know now is what I am proactively doing: delegating, networking, saving, etc.  I refuse to be the mom feeling like it is me against "they," because I just want to see everyone happy.  I still have work to do concerning myself and parenting my children--by the love of God, I will do it!

These days I am so over trying to be the "best Mom" by being all things to them.  The boys are old enough to cook, clean, organize, schedule activities, make money, and a couple sons are responsible enough to shop for themselves utilizing their own budgets and saving money.

One child, still at home, shared just the other day with his father via text, "Mom didn't cook."  Excuse me!?  I yelled, "You know how to cook!  Why didn't you tell him, "You didn't cook!"  Looks like that one will have a hungry belly if he doesn't crack open a recipe book or search the 'Net.  He was quite confident that day he was going to get a hot fast food meal once again from dad, but he didn't cave in to the pressure.  Dad brought something home that needed to be cooked.  However, our son should have been in the kitchen cooking.  Dad cooked (sigh).  The child is almost 13 years old and cooked plenty of hamburgers and other foods in the past!  Why stop now?  Most of the things he selected when we went to the grocery store, he could just pop in the microwave!  Go figure!?

At this parenting stage, raising teens, I am dealing with the spirit of laziness and procrastination with two out of the four. The other two sons are older.  I am working on keeping the second eldest motivated to get a second job so that he can achieve his goal, getting his own place.  He needs two incomes.  The eldest he has his own place, but he rarely calls.  He says he is busy working, he has two jobs.  He knows cost of living isn't cheap when you are on your own.  I continue to encourage him when I do reach out--there is no turning back.  Son, enjoy the much sought after freedom like I did when I swung the door wide exiting my parent's home long ago :)

Remember staying up late nights because your child was sick, active, hungry, or crying due to a painful tooth coming in?  Well, these days the concern comes and goes when they are out at night whether riding or walking.  I spend time praying like I did when they were babies.  I refuse to lose sleep like I once did. God you got this!

Once they started walking, they were getting into whatever they could get into!  We bought fencing to keep them out of hazardous things and other items that we simply got tired of saying, "No, let's go over here...play with this toy."  Now we have to persuade two of the four boys to come out of their bedrooms and take a break from the screens.  There are battles sometimes.  The comforts in their bedroom will soon go away when it is time to start looking for a job.  They wanted so bad to explore their little worlds when they were younger, well soon they can when they are older!

Yes, motherhood hasn't been easy at any stage, but I manage.  I know that there is more to parenting young adults in the future; however, I will admit, I am so over having my own cute babies.  So I hear grandparenting is easy only when you can send them back home and they aren't often in your care--great!?

Nicholl McGuire  owner of this blog and author of When Mother's Cry and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.

Are You a Parent, Grandparent Ready to Snap on Your Meanspirited Teen or...

The Latest Battles: Screen Time, Sibling Rivalry and Requests for Own Rooms

After spending years of whining, diapers, and picky eating, nowadays we are dealing with puberty with two of the four sons and young adulthood with the other two guys.  They have their up and down days.  During the school year, it seemed like we had more fights between siblings than any other issues.  With sons it can be physical first, then talk later.  Watching sporting events like wrestling and football for hours don't make testosterone filled days any better!

Recent battles have included:  a protest regarding the reduction in screen time on all devices, spats with siblings usually about someone calling a name out of anger, and a need for more space.  One son accomplished his goal in February and moved out.  I didn't make things comfortable for him leading up to his departure, because I recognized the adult in him was bravely coming out to exercise his authority.  When the older children felt like they could handle what life throws at them, I took them on a trial run.  The eldest passed after I gave him numerous responsibilities.  

As for the others, the second eldest is on his way to independent living.  He is excited about the possibility of having his own place, but not without a second job.  The third and fourth son have awhile to go so I am managing the situations as they arise.  One issue that will soon be resolved is giving them their own rooms.  Too much is given, much is required.  Screen time is still limited during the week and bed time is enforced through the week.  I consider this a win for Mom and Dad!

There is no crying over children during this season of my life, but there are times of yelling like a drill sergeant.  It won't be long now before they are leaders/husbands/fathers.  I hope their time with us serves them well.

Getting them out and about cuts down on the screen time.

I wish sporting events weren't so long...almost bed time.

    

When Co-Parenting Goes Wrong

An offensive statement, slacking on responsibilities, using children to cause the other parent grief…whatever your challenge, it is clear that whatever amicable relationship you once had between one another it is no more!  So what to do?

Take a look at what is in your power.

Whether you are proactive in calling children, picking them up or dropping them off, there is power in doing that and the best thing to do is keep it up!  You may not like/love the other parent anymore, but you love your children don’t you?  So do what you can to make life easier for them.  You already impacted them in so many other ways that hasn’t been so positive.  

Whether you like the truth or not, you and the other parent disempowered the children when you both started warring with one another.  Their voices weren’t hard through the yelling, silent treatment and any other war you had with the other parent.  You both were determined to end the relationship, so now what you do going forward is in the best interest of the children not you or the other parent!  Hopefully, as the children mature they will heal emotionally and physically.  So it is in your power to connect with the parent to get your needs met whether personally or through a third party.  It is in your power to raise the children not to hate the other parent.  It is in your power not to badmouth the other parent to children.  State facts not opinion, when necessary.

Use the tools that have been made available to you.

From parental support groups to food and financial assistance, there are many programs that can help you feed and house your children and obtain whatever mental supports you all might need.  However, when you are stubborn, bitter or envious of the other parent, your mind is solely focused on what you can get from the other parent or how you might pay he or she back for every offense; rather than spend so much time thinking evilly of the other parent, think: “What can I do for my children and self to make our quality of life better?”  

It hurts when an ex-partner makes promises he or she doesn’t keep.  Do you focus on what he or she hasn’t done for you lately or do you get out there and do what you can to meet your family’s needs?  Let your attorney handle the legal matters while you manage your daily responsibilities whether children are with you full-time or not.

Avoid the belief that a new partner will solve your personal and professional hardships.

Too many divorced men and women are under the false assumption that if and when someone new comes into their lives that everything will be okay.  Maybe that might happen for awhile, but then the newness of the relationship wears off.  The fantasy of one big, happy family becomes a reality filled with many unhappy family members.  

The new partner is burned out with trying to appease someone who has just as much, if not more baggage than he or she.  Then again, you might end up being the one carrying the load once more in a new relationship or you find yourself dumping your load on to someone else.  Consider this you will find yourself persuading your children into accepting someone new and their offspring when they are still trying to heal from the break up between their mother and father.  Some divorced people simply ask too much from broken children.

As much as fighting parents would love to believe that they are doing all things right by their children, the truth is, they are not!  Rather they are creating further division when they stubbornly do things like:

1) Refuse to compromise on things like: appointments, what to buy children, or where to take them for entertainment.

2) Refuse to make lifestyle choices that are healthy and honest without selfish motives.

3) Refuse to slow down or stop starting new relationships without considering the current familial challenges or how even the new partner might feel about being brought into an inner circle of conflict.

4) Refuse to listen to children’s concerns and other relatives counsel.

5) Refuse to stop participating in acts of emotion, physical, financial, or even sexual abuse!

6) Refuse to seek help for addictions from shopping to substance abuse.

7) Refuse to stop talking or doing negative things to insult the other parent and possibly children.  

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and the author of When Mothers Cry

On Preparing My Young Adult Son to Move Out

The day he gave me the side eye along with that tone to his voice that only a parent can detect is downright disrespectful, I had made up in my mind that we had to work a bit faster on getting him prepared to move out.  Otherwise, I would be that parent who would one day kick him out.  I simply don’t like young adults who act angrily or disrespectful over seemingly minor issues that could easily be resolved with a question or an offer to help.

This son had been often left alone at his old residence living with dad and other family members.  All that time to self made him feel like he was an adult already even in his early teens.  He made his own meals at times, performed errands and chores, but wasn’t required to obtain employment.  It wasn’t until I brought up a job that he started pursuing one.  

I foresaw a future where he was going to have money battles with his stepparent and father if he didn’t move on getting a job quickly.  He listened and he went above and beyond at his first place of employment.  As things changed in that household so too did his plans for staying with his dad.  He ended up living with us.  Prior to his moving out, I explained how my household was run and that he would be required to work if he wanted to live with me.  He had no problem with that since he had already listened to my advice in the past and was accustomed to making his own money.

It was literally weeks after living with us that he did get a job.  However, that didn’t happen without me encouraging him and assisting with his job search.  I explained that he was to create a list of places he applied to daily and that we would have meetings going over his job search progress.  These meetings were crucial because this way he would be held accountable and I would be at peace knowing he was doing his part to take care of his self.  He didn’t want to lose what little he came with (that was a consequence) if he didn’t do what was asked.  I only had to mention that once and he continued to job search.  You see, he enjoyed gaming and that was a distraction at times.  No job search, no gaming console. 

The biggest mistake that many parents make when they are supposedly helping young adults is continuing to make life at home comfortable for them even though it is in the best interest of all to see a young adult independent, mentally strong and physically capable of taking care of his or herself.  Why would any of us want to move out if parents are paying for everything, cleaning house, doing our laundry, scheduling our appointments, cooking our food, etc. all with smiles on their faces? 

For my son, the comforts of home adjusted slightly once he started working.  I expected a reasonable household contribution and chores to be completed.  We met about that monthly to ensure that things expected of him would continue to be done.  When it was time for him to take on a second job, we did the same.  We met about the job search, discussed his present and future expenses, and shared details about apartment costs and utilities in the area.  He started saving more money to meet goals.

Now he has a move-out date and a place to stay.  Although I feel happy for him, I also feel sad because he’s my son and I love him.  However, it is a must that he has his own space.  His mind and body are changing.  As he goes through his “What it means to be a man…” life transition, he doesn’t need me to annoy or burden him.  I did my part guiding him toward his freedom.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry, Say Goodbye to Dad, and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry.

Do Not Provoke Children to Wrath

Unhappy People Don't Want You Happy

There are Sunny Days Ahead Despite the Rainfall of Problems

Cheer up Mother!  You are doing the best you can.  Fighting the good fight, you are like Superman leaping over tall buildings in a single bound!  The more challenges, the stronger you become.  I must admit if it hadn't been for those fights in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today.  Although I ran at times from difficulty, I found my way back again willing to try, try, try again!  So don't give up, Mom!  No matter how much the babies cry, the spouse argues, the relatives need you, and your work calls you, you can do this!

Take a breath, relax.  It's okay to relax.  Sometimes we don't think we are productive when we take a time out.  However, I learned from personal experience, lying on my back from an anxiety attack, that I am productively increasing energy and strength when I pause while everyone else is going a mile a minute.  Unfortunately, I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

Photo by Helena Sollie on Unsplash

Some of you mothers claim to have a faith, so why not put it to good use?  God is waiting--He wants to hear from you.  Others you say, "I am love, light, hope, peace..." well then act like it!  So little time on this planet to get things done, but also so little time to appreciate the good times when they are here so be grateful for them rather than complain.  We teach our children to be appreciative, here's a little reminder, just say, "Thank you!" even when the storms of life have rained on your parade.

A moment of solitude, thank you!  Time for self--yeah!  You never know when the next battle might show up, so be ready, pray!

A moment of waiting in a long line, thank you!  You may be avoiding a major accident.

A moment of laughter, thank you!  A good laugh heals the soul.

A moment with family and friends (even if it isn't the best of times,) thank you!  Appreciate them. Consider the lonely and confused with no one to call.

A moment of rain, thank you!  The earth needed a good bath and maybe your car too.

Yes, it's the little things in life we say, "Thank you!" Our focus starts to redirect toward those sunny days ahead while we stop those negative thoughts that pop put of nowhere.  "Not today, no thank you!"

No matter the problems, tell yourself, "I have solutions.  Within me I know the answers..."  Just smile, you got this Mama!

Nicholl McGuire 

Denial About Abusing You and the Children - Emotional and Physical Abuse

They lie, those abusers (smh).  They swear up and down they love their families and they will do anything for them.  Well if that is so, why the impatience, frustration, anger outbursts, and attitude on a daily or weekly basis when questioned about disrespectful behaviors, asked to help with a task or meet the needs of a child, or other seemingly harmless requests?  Why do abusers say that threatening behavior never happened, that curse words were never exchanged, that one never, couldn't have, wouldn't have...ego is all-too-important it suffocates truth.

1.  Abusers are selfish.  They always look out for self first!
2.  Abusers lie, deny and cover-up their mean-spirited deeds.
3.  Abusers pretend to be faithful to God, claim to be good men/women, upstanding citizens, etc.
4.  Abusers are actors who know how to play the friendly and honest gentleman or woman when called upon or feel they might be exposed.
5.  Abusers believe they are smarter than most people.  That's why they don't believe they will ever get caught in their mischief.
6.  Abusers have either watched others be abused or been abused by a relative, family friend or stranger(s) so they feel totally comfortable with hurting other people.
7.  Abusers come in any shape, size, color, with any educational background, or economic status.  Stop convincing yourself, "Well he/she doesn't look like an abuser."
8.  Abusers will put children up to lying, covering up, hurting others, etc. when it suits them.
9.  Abusers have triggers, personality disorders, and other issues that require professional help.
10.  Abusers are exposed by God.  The demons within and around can't stand the Creator or the people who acknowledge Him.

These in-laws and buddies just don't know their abusive loved ones very well or do they?  Maybe they are in on the denial.  "My dear son would never raise a hand to you!"  Well, he did.  "My dear daughter is a freedom fighter for lesbians, she would never..." But she did.  Some of you have been in your marriages and partnerships long enough to know differently.  But it's your secret, safe with me.  We know better!

Abusive men and women who pride themselves on controlling others while falsely believing they never do wrong, will not admit to abuse unless there is a plea bargain after they have murdered someone.  During interrogation he or she will say, "I don't know...I wasn't there...I wasn't aware...I never...I love my partner too much..."  Don't believe it!  Please, don't believe it.  The abuse got a slow start in the early days exposing one's own controlling ways.  Back then, he or she was better at covering up one's fragilities, but as they and their relationships get older not so much  No one knew one could be capable of such things--not even the victim until abusive episodes happened!

Curse words flying out of one's mouth for seemingly small things is usually a sign there is more ahead.  Those curse words directed at everyone else other than you is a start.  You riding in the car or walking along side your partner during the early dating phase didn't think much of his or her negative attitude.  Then it was the anger that showed up soon after visiting family and friends and you asked, "What's wrong?" The response, "Nothing.  I'm okay..."  One child, two children, three or more later, the anger intensified didn't it?  Yelling, slamming things, shutting down...Mom was simply too busy to be bothered with that crazy man in the next room.  You see, you saw something like this when you were growing up.  It wasn't always so nice at home, now was it?  So it all comes back around full circle.  Now you understand why your abused loved one was very cautious when dealing with her crazy spouse and/or kin.

The abusive partner denies feelings, suppresses offenses, and then one day explodes!  In the early days you were shocked, but not anymore.  In the early days you dismissed what you saw, but not anymore.  He or she is crazy--something is wrong!  Some of you Moms requested or maybe even demanded couples counseling, anger management or substance addiction help but to no avail.  Not quite ready to leave yet, you scratch your head thinking, "What can I do?"  It's not your battle, the abuser is angry--even the bible warns to stay away from an angry man or woman.

Emotional abuse signs include: name-calling, put-downs, crass humor, silent treatment, ignoring, gas-lighting, denial, etc.  Physical abuse signs include: throwing things, punching, hitting, kicking, spitting, choking, etc.  The writing is on the wall along with the last time a partner threw or punched something, are you seeing the signs?  Get out while there is still time!

Nicholl McGuire is an author and inspirational speaker.  She recorded this message here on YouTube: Power and Control Wheel Safety Plan and Spiritual Uplift.  

When Mothers Cry About the Evolution of Their Once Favorite People

Something I didn't cover in the When Mothers Cry book, personal life changes among family and friends that were once so near and dear.  Mothers cry about their loved ones personal changes that impact their relationships with them.  From new marriages to new jobs and everything else in between, life changes will change your favorites!  Sooner or later the reality that people have emotionally and/or physically changed whether for good or evil, it is an experience that is painful to watch or listen to at times.

Just imagine your mother is no longer behaving in ways that you once were accustomed to.  Your children are no longer as sweet and innocent as they once were.  Old friends are busy with their lives and gradually stop calling or coming around.  Your spouse doesn't love and respect you in ways that he or she once did.  Yes, change is inevitable due to many factors and not all mothers cope with the subtle or bold changes that are occurring in their favorite people's lives rationally or mature.  Examples of life changes that may severely impact your loved ones in the short or long term that you may not have thought about and may also affect your relationship to them might include:

1) Appearance enhancement or surgery due to accident
2) Conversation no longer what it used to be due to controlling partner, busy work schedule...
3) Aging they are not coping with it well i.e. midlife crisis.
4) Illness some days are worst than others, they simply don't want to be bothered.
5) Personality Disorder may have been trauma induced or was there all along you just didn't notice.
6) New marriage that comes with it's share of struggles that they don't want to discuss.
7) Birth of new baby--need we say more? i.e. post-partum.
8) Relocation is expensive, time-consuming and most people don't offer to help in anyway other than to call and ask questions.
9) Grieving over the death of a loved one - no they don't want to call or come around for a time or forever.
10) Children leaving the home (empty nest).  It's tough to detach from children, they are coping.

When I noticed that I had a personality change to those who observed me it was after my first child.  I had family members and friends who talked about how I didn't call like I used to asking them about how they were.  I was "too busy" and "you don't stay on the phone..." they complained.  Yes, I was busy with my newborn and yes I had changed.  Bringing life into the world is a traumatic experience for many mothers and my brain just doesn't operate in the same way it once did prior to having no children and no man, thank you very much!  Yet, I wasn't ready for some changes that were happening with some of my favorite people.  I was shook to see relatives moving slower, hair getting grayer, and voices repeating the same story twice or more--what!?  I was shocked by a few sudden deaths, but then I wasn't, I had been prepared when I sat down long enough with my Creator to get some understanding.  However, I didn't anticipate that some people would grow so distant so fast, but they did.

What I have learned is to ride the waves of change.  After tears, fears, and much prayer, I couldn't keep thinking about what once was, I had to move pass the past and get on with my life.  No matter how much I wanted people, places and things to stay the same, they just weren't.  Some people had to mature, others had to work long hours, and like me, they had marriages and children to tend to.  I realized when you accept change it is much easier to live this life without personal expectations, worries and stresses placed on others.  They also are more likely to call and come around when they know that you are good with their evolution of change!  But when you are not, they mark you as toxic.

So be okay with someone else's personal journey of discovery dear Mother and know that someone was good with yours otherwise you wouldn't be who you are today!

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of a variety of helpful journals to help keep your thoughts organized the old school way: pen and paper.  See here.

How to spot the signs of sex trafficking

1) Constant runaway episodes.  Upon return new clothing, numbered tattoos (barcodes), jewelry, etc.

2) Disinterested in what they normally liked doing.

- School grades dropped.

- Involved in sports and now they are uninterested.

Any change in behavior and routine are keys.  For example, if they are 14 and hanging out with a 28 year old...that's a sign.

Long Working Hours for New Moms, Retired Moms and Simply Tired Moms? Enough!

Sometimes we just can't work the long hours at various times of our lives.  Those who are closest to us may have seen our moods fluctuate, our bodies do some interesting things, and most of all grow distant from them.  There was a time where 50 to 60 hours a week is what we did, but as we grow older, things change!

Making your family and close friends understand your plight can be a losing battle when they lack understanding and have grown to rely on you to meet their financial needs.  The key here is not to persuade them into believing how tired your mind and body are, but to simply do what you can handle for the time being.  In order to do that, you will gradually spend less money and time on them.  Actions always speak louder than words!  You jump right into your plan after you communicated, "I just can't do what I used to do...so here is the new plan."

Selfish people will find fault, have their temper tantrums, and may not like you very much Mom, so get ready!  But you are weary and stressed out from being all things to everyone.  Is your health worth risking to put a smile on a nonchalant spouse or child's face?  There is nothing you can do once in the grave, so they might as well learn how to get along without you.

Maybe your situation isn't that bad now, but it is headed that way.  You feel something a bit different inside and you can't explain it.  You may have to schedule a doctor's appointment sooner rather than later.  In the meantime, you can do the following when it comes to work:

1)  Be creative in getting tasks done and don't do so many at a time.  Leave the multi-tasking for the young and the stronger.  Delegate responsibilities!

2)  As you start to notice you are getting better, approach your employer about a split-share program.  Simply put, you would like to share your 40 hour shift with a fellow unemployed mother.  This way you are not working eight hours a day, but four.  You can also mention making your current role part-time if there is often not a lot to do or you can finish your work at home.  If your employer doesn't think your suggestions are reasonable, start looking for true part-time employment.  Too many companies start off giving part-time hours for little pay only to turn you into full-time when someone leaves.  Remember your health is more important than long hours and more pay!

3)  Find out if your partner is willing to make extra money working part-time on weekends.

4)  Children 15 years and up can work.  Encourage them to make their own money on or offline.  Stop paying for their extracurricular activities and putting away for college.  Talk with a relative who might be able to help with their college savings account.

5)  If you find out that your health is failing fast, ask about home care or what health plans are offered that you can be able to stay at the hospital for awhile.  Too often ill patients rush to get back home before they are well only to have more complications.  Being at home to recover with family isn't always the best option.

6) Evaluate your debits and credits and find out how you can reduce some costly expenses.  Work smarter not harder!  You can check out a video I created on varied income streams.

7)  If you have a personal faith, pray!  Ask others to pray for you as well.  You can check out my playlist on YouTube with prayers.

Consider your health comes before wealth this new year!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Spiritual Poems by Nicholl and other books.  She is also the owner of this blog.

Teaching My Son to Be Responsible with His Scooter

So I gave my son a simple task, I asked,"Could you please go get the mail?"  Without hesitation he said, "Yes."  Before long he was out the door.  As I looked out the window, the snowflakes began to fall a bit faster.  There was snow covered everywhere.  The night before we had about three inches and in other areas about seven.  While he was out, I hadn't noticed, but something was missing from that large open space next to the kitchen counter.

I proceeded to cook dinner and didn't think much about his trip to the mailbox which is down a long driveway and a short walk around the corner.  I figured he walked.  The snow continued to fall while I boiled rice and watched the meatloaf in the stove.  As my thoughts about dinner carried me away, I heard a bump at the door as if something hit up against it.  I came to the door and there he was with snowflakes decorating the hood of his coat.  He was struggling to bring his electric scooter inside.  Shocked, I say, "You brought your scooter out in the snow!  It's electric!  What were you thinking?"  The stainless steel plate was covered with snow.  He responded disappointedly, "It doesn't work in the snow."  Well of course it wouldn't!

My son looked upset and I wasn't happy because he just got it for his birthday a few weeks ago.  He talked about getting that scooter on and off for almost a year and there it was covered with snow that was melting fast!  Well, I ran into the kitchen and grabbed paper towels while I instructed him to brush the snow off out onto the patio.  All the while I'm thinking, "This scooter better work after we dry it off."  He worked quickly taking great care to dry it off.  After spending about 15 minutes or more, he says, "Well at least the front wheel isn't dirty."  I respond, "Yeah, okay.  Don't do that again.  It wasn't built for the snow." Grateful that it was still working, he assured me he wouldn't.

I thought the timing was interesting, because one of our partners has a website dedicated to scooters.  Take a look at the top right corner of your screen if you are reading this on your computer.  Maybe your child is bugging you about a scooter or did something stupid and now it doesn't work.  There has been quite a bit of talk recently in our household about scooters.  One of my older sons wants one but those we see in local department stores are for children weighing less than 120 pounds.  In the future, we plan to get him one too.

Investing in any thing of quality for a child can be worthwhile when he or she is old enough to take care of them.  However, when they act irresponsibly, it tends to make you think twice.  Lucky for my son, his scooter is okay and needless to say he is careful not to take it out in inclement weather.

Check out our partner's site Pro Scooters and enjoy your purchase!

When Mothers Cry - Our Mother, Grandmother are Now Gone

Two of my four children and I were deeply saddened when Great Ma (my grandmother) passed May 2015 before Mother's Day. We knew she had been sick, in and out of the hospital, but we would have liked for her to come out the hospital at least one more time--she didn't.

My younger two sons only spoke to her a few times over the phone, but didn't have any interaction with Great Ma outside of that. Great Ma prayed for us, she was spiritual. She reached out and called periodically to see how we were doing and I would do the same. During some of those conversations, she requested that I read biblical scriptures to her and she also prayed with me. However, as we got on with our lives, we noticed that after Great Ma's passing, family members grew distant.

Then this year, October 2018, my mother passed. I can't say that I was shocked being that I had a revelation last year about her dying although she was doing just fine back then. Yet, during the month of January 2018 I had a second revelation. I saw that she had passed in a dream when two deceased family members sat at her dining room table and she was absent.

The children hadn't been emotionally moved as much as they had been with Great Ma's passing. You see, when my mother left this world we weren't on speaking terms. Unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment and other assumed negative emotions by observants surprisingly didn't play a part, at least on my end, as to why I no longer spoke to her.

Here's what was really going on within me, I simply grew weary of the off-putting vibe I had experienced time and time again I received from her. This negative vibe I felt happened since childhood. Some relatives knew exactly what I was feeling and cautioned her long ago. I wasn't the favorite, I was rejected from birth because I caused her so much pain. It took awhile for her to deal with the fact that she had bear a child and it didn't help that she was talked into having another one and told it was best she stayed home with myself and sibling rather than go to work. She adjusted and did what she was told, but carried her own personal issues regarding life decisions she had made. I was the scapegoat and when she was angry about whoever or whatever she dumped on me. Then went on about her life wearing a smile as if she never had a care, but I knew differently. The feeling of rejection--being second-best, just became too much to bear. I wasn't the favorite child nor did I want to be. I was the one she called on when she couldn't connect with her golden child and other favorites.

My mother told me long ago that had I not been her daughter, she wouldn't be friends with me--I was "square" like my dad. She felt we didn't have anything in common in my youth--of course we wouldn't! I was a child, her daughter, not her girlfriend! A square back in her day was considered boring, nerdy, corny...person. Yet, when I became an adult, she praised me on being responsive to her conversations--"having something to say...and I like talking to you" while sharing that others were boring and didn't have too much to say to her.

She didn't mind creating division when she didn't get her way or didn't like how others responded to her especially when she was being difficult. As I grew older, I knew what her requirements were for maintaining a relationship with her and codependency was not what I had in mind. If you were broken, she attempted to fix you--like feed off of your brokenness while all the while presenting herself to be better than you. Her fixing was more like checking you--putting you in your place without truly listening to why you did what you did and providing you with a plan without interjecting herself into it. She would be quite bold or subtle about your shortcomings but not in a way that motivated you to be your higher self; instead, you found yourself getting angry without being able to connect the details of your anger. "Is she helping or hurting me?" I would sometimes think. She would tell you in so many words, her relationship was better, her financial decisions were better, her way was better, her life was better...you get the picture? When one was done with talking to her, he or she gleaned what they could from the conversation, but the arrogance was evident and at times some of her listeners just didn't want to talk to her again.

I had watched my grandmother and mother interact for decades and it wasn't a healthy connection-- a classic codependent and narcissistic relationship. It appeared that the two were very needy at times of one another when the opportunity most suited them and then standoffish when needs weren't met. They knew how to get their narcissistic supply elsewhere as they aged. In addition, I noticed some competitive and jealous behaviors with the pair particularly around holiday seasons. There connection was one based on performance and one was rewarded if they could answer this question, "What have you done for me lately?" A relationship wasn't all love like they would boast at times to family and friends. "I love...I would do anything for...I care for..." Those who knew them well yet couldn't explain what was going on with them, kept a safe distance. It took me years to figure out why so many came and went out of their lives. I didn't want that "do for me or else" kind of relationship with my own children. I worked hard to establish boundaries years prior to their passing--before I went low contact with grandma and no contact with mom.

Sharing so much of myself, time, and money was no longer what I wanted to do in an effort to appease itchy ears and hands. I had communicated my enlightenment, transformation and other revelations of what was occurring in my life respectfully like my book, "Tell Me Mother You're Sorry" as I gradually distanced myself from both. I also didn't need the unnecessary distractions affecting my muse to speak and write to help others.

Ma and Grandma were strong-minded women, which I admired, but they didn't mind interjecting their personal opinions on what I did on and offline. They didn't do so well with the boldness of my spiritual walk and the faith I have in God--the one they would reference every now and again. Despite my efforts some years back to keep calm and distant so as not to offend, I would be drawn back into their webs of unbelief, disregard, mean-spiritedness, and a "do for me" mentality with yet another story they shared about a neighbor, relative, personal revelation, or offense. Sometimes during our chats, I volunteered information, battled with them or remained silent and politely excused myself. Conversations would at times be hours over the phone while my own family needed me in another room or I had responsibilities where I had to leave my home--and no, I wasn't always willing to continue a conversation on a cell phone. Yet, I didn't want to disappoint, but I had a life.

Now that they are gone, I admit I have a sense of peace. I am grateful for what I have learned from them and have continued to serve others who are in or out of tough relationships with mothers and grandmothers. Furthermore, an important lesson I have learned is not to sugar-coat one's relationship or lack thereof with a parent or grandparent. You don't cover up or deny your personal truth with relatives to appease others, even if they are close to their kin, it's never a good idea when you are on the road toward healing.

Denial of your emotions, events, experiences and more does nothing more than to keep you bound to toxic relationships. I have also found that so many daughters and sons swallow their identities, become spineless jellyfish and give parents and grandparents a pass on so many things for fear they will be left out of wills, face punishment, and more. I rather be true to who I am then be given a bunch of promises that patriarchs or matriarchs may or may not keep. Oftentimes when you are the scapegoat, you don't get nearly as much in return as you put out. You spend your life doing things for others because for years the mantra, "You owe me because..." has been shoved down your throat or "That's mom, you ought to...you better!" And what if you don't?

God has a better plan, trust me! What you owe to yourself is a chance to have quality connections whether it is your biological relatives or others who sincerely love and appreciate you! There is simply no conditions to real love--it just is!

Nicholl McGuire

When Mothers Cry Blog Owner and the Author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry