7 Things To Expect When Breaking Up With Your Child's Father

It was inevitable, we were going to break up and I believe looking back I was somewhat unprepared. So I share my knowledge in the hopes that someone who is fed up with being with the father will think carefully before ending the relationship.

1. Consider putting everything in writing and discussing with an attorney.

From who gets the children on what days and times to finances, talk to your ex about what you are willing to give and receive as a result of the breakup. Any disagreements or discrepancies should be dealt with in court. As much as we think we can avoid it, at some point you just might. A separation agreement is simply not enough when there are ongoing disputes about the care of the children, so get representation in court and have plenty of proof that is "in the best interest of the children" to argue your case.

2. Proceed cautiously when dating.

You never want to date someone soon after breaking up with a partner, at least not for all eyes to see, because this might be misconstrued as cheating which won't help matters.

3. Jealous emotions and anger out of nowhere.

You might have thought everything was okay between you and he in the beginning. That is until he starts ranting about the littlest of things. Deep down inside he is angry about you moving on with your life and jealous of the possibility that you might do it with someone who is better than he.

4. Children misbehaving.

From sleepless nights to acting out in school, children will not behave in the way that you want on a consistent basis for awhile. It takes some children longer than others to adjust to two homes, two parties, two holidays, and other changes that you and your ex-partner have set up at each of your locations.

5. Distance from relatives and friends.

Depending on how close the relationship, your relatives and mutual friends may behave differently toward you. Some may come around more during this stressful time of your life and others might act distant. You will know where these people's loyalty lies. When you discover the truth about some so-called relatives and friends, avoid talking to them about anything that is personal.

6. Money woes.

Breakups cost money especially if you are the one moving. So be prepared for the onslaught of bills. Collectors might call, overdrafts might start appearing on your bank account, past due maxed out credit card bills, etc. If you plan well and sell as much as you can to offset the bills, you might come out ahead.

7. Vengeance.

Your ex may promise not to do anything to hurt you, but if he has feelings of hurt he may do the total opposite. He may abuse joint accounts that you have yet to clear your name from. Talk negatively about you to relatives and friends. Sleep around. Ride women in his car. Stalk or threaten you. If you notice any abusive behavior or potentially abusive behavior like destroying property, notify authorities. You might think it isn't a big deal, but just think of the women who died due to a break up because they didn't tell anyone about the signs leading up to their former partner's evil actions.

There are many more things you might encounter after a break up, but just remember if you have a faith, you will see the positive in every situation. Do pray. Confide in a trusted friend. Make necessary business calls to resolve your issues. Save money.

Nicholl McGuire

Moms: A Walking Target to Be Scammed, Taken for Granted

I was walking through the mall with my family and there she was standing next to a kiosk complimenting me on how nice-looking my children were. I was flattered and stopped to talk to her. She told me about an upcoming audition for children to be in a commercial for the Nickelodeon and Disney channels. I was excited and listened intently.

Meanwhile, my children came over to find out what I was smiling about and she drew them into her conversation by talking about their looks, asking them about their talents, and showing pictures of some of the children she supposedly got "six figures" because of her discoveries. But something just wasn't right, and I wanted to make the negative feeling in spirit go away so I talked to her some more. Finally, after a little prompting from the man of the house with, "We have to go..." She gave me her business card and a small flier with directions on where to take the children the following day.

On the way home, we talked about our encounter, the children and I, we talked about my past auditions and how to act and what to say. We even role-played once we got home. "Was this too good to be true?" I thought. I decided to pray with the children and asked God for revelation about the meeting. Well, it wasn't long before I was surfing on the Internet, that same night, to find that similar situations happened to other families. They too had been approached by someone in the mall about the same auditions and they went.

It turned out that once these families had arrived at the audition location, there children were sent off into a classroom that basically offered future classes for things like acting. Parents were expected to pay for all sorts of classes to prepare their children for future auditions. So it turns out that the so-called audition was nothing more than a lure to get into naive parents bank accounts. Why pay for something that you can get through a real talent agency sometimes for free or at a discount?

I had to break the news to my children about my discovery. They weren't happy. My son said, "Why would she do that? Why lie?" I looked again at the woman's card and in less than an eight point size font at the bottom of the card was a statement that said this is not for an audition. What? She misrepresented the company with false promises.

There were other times that we were walking as a family and people asked me for money. For some reason, they assumed that me, a mom of four, would give to this cause and that one, support a children's program, or do other things because "with your big family you can afford it." That is the furthest thing from the truth! If anything, we should be the last group of people that any salesperson should bother. One day, I went off on a young man asking me for money on the street--I was having a bad day with my boys. I said, "Do you see all these kids? Do I look like I have money? Don't ask a mother with children for any money! You hear me..." He looked at me with a weird look and kept walking.

When you are a mom you are a target for sales representatives asking if you things like: do you want to take out insurance on your child, buy toys, candy, home decor, even children's vitamins, join scam home businesses, sign up for children's programs like bible studies (they cost too every time they pass that basket around,) music and karate lessons, volunteer for nonprofits, and care for other people's children. I think of the many people who attempted to befriend me since I have had children. "Oh she can watch my children, she has some of her own--she will be good!" Funny, I rarely saw nor heard from these people beforehand.

Nicholl McGuire

The Fine Line Between Being a Mother and a Babysitter

While going through various trials and tribulations in my past relationship, the following thought had crossed my mind: what if all those discussions about how we needed more "us" time ended up being "me" time to the point that we would use one another as babysitters since we had no one else to watch the children?

Well that thought never left back then prior to my divorce or now as I write and ironically the ex did end up using me as a babysitter so that he could do what he wanted.

Too often people are breaking up because they either don't want to bother to reconnect emotionally/spiritually with the mother or father of their children due to boredom, laziness, and/or unforgiveness. So they think that by seeking someone else, they are actually going to rekindle those romantic feelings they desire. Well, I wish I could say, wrong. But they are right. Being with someone else does spark those emotions you had when you first laid eyes on the mother or father of your children, but it doesn't last--it never lasts.

I read an article once that said that the newness of most relationships begins to wear off within the first three months of dating. This means that if you think the grass on the other side will be green for a long time, you are mistaken! So my thoughts led me to another thought, where is the fine line between being a mother who wants to be desired again by her spouse and being a babysitter who is actually watching the children while her spouse looks for love elsewhere?

I personally believe the fine line shows up when he or dare I say it, we show out! That's right, lots of arguing, slamming doors, yelling at the children, and more which unfortunately drive men and women out the door saying things like, "I don't need this! You watch the children! I can do bad all by myself, I don't need any help!" Before long you are stuck with the children on most days. He is golfing, shopping, visiting relatives and friends, while you are at home scolding the children. Of course, this could be the reverse and you are the one guilty of making the father a frequent babysitter. But let's just say you are the babysitter on most days he has free time. The father is enjoying a nice latte at the local coffee shop while reading the newspaper, while you are cooking and cleaning at home. This is what I call a mother turned babysitter. When you find yourself often watching the children for his events, you are not only the mother of his children, but a babysitter too especially when there is no one else to call on!

Some people don't want to see the truth when you bring it to light in this way. They say, "Well I am the mother so it is my responsibility to watch the children when he doesn't want to, can't..." Of course it is. But, you have to ask yourself are you doing it with a peaceful spirit or are you resenting how much time you are spending with the children secretly? Are you on the phone frequently complaining to family and friends about needing free time, space or accusing him of taking advantage of you? Are you suffocating your emotions that should be directed toward an inconsiderate spouse and then taking them out on your children? Think of how many children never make it to adulthood because a mother is just so overwhelmed with parenting. Think of how you or someone you know was negatively affected because "mom was always complaining about dad...they were always arguing about us...he hit her once...she hit him."

Responsible moms run the show, because they can't trust their irresponsible men to do it. Before long, he is walking out the door talking about how she is such a "b*tch" or "she doesn't let me do anything." Is there any validity to his statements? As moms, we have to let these men spend time with the children. So what they don't clean as good as us or serve the best meals. Consider the alternative, a frustrated mom turned babysitter who resents ever having her children. If you are guilty of often caring for the children and everything else around the household, and you are beginning to hate what you do, its time for a meeting about delegating some responsibility to that man.

If you are a divorced mom that has been doing any and everything to keep the peace between you and your ex including taking the children off his hands when you know it can be a bit too much at times, then it's time to think about creating a little distance. Why allow yourself to continue to be taken advantage of? Why let your future suffer while trying to appease your past?

Nicholl McGuire

On Putting Up and Giving Up for the Sake of Family

I wanted to be a career mother, but the kind that wasn't going to stay in the old town that I grew up in. As much as I thought that this was a good decision at the time, now that the children are older, it seems like going back somewhere close to the old hometown might be a wise thing.

I followed my former husband's Calfornia dreamin' and like so many women who do just that, I got burned. The relationship ended with him spending quality time and conversation with my replacement. While going through that difficult period of my life, being 3000 miles away from family and friends, I met my share of military moms in San Diego and I was often saddened to see for months on end, young women raising children alone. They too, were being supportive wives.

I don't know about you, who are reading this, but sometimes we moms need to sit back and establish boundaries on how much are we going to give up and put up with for the sake of family. You might have been asked by your husband or live-in partner to relocate, to pack up the children and move away from parents, and you may have been told to quit your job and stay at home. It all seems so nice on the surface until the inside of you begins to experience fear, resentment, anger and other negative emotions.

Before you know it, one day you are looking in the mirror and realize just how much you have aged due to being sick and tired of giving up and putting up with everything that doesn't support your needs. Maybe you need mom and dad around to help you raise your children. Maybe you need your job to give you a sense of belonging and independence. Maybe you need your girl's night out. Maybe you need your faith to keep you strong. Whatever your need, that thing that keeps your sanity, keep it! Now I'm not advocating abusing or even using drugs, cigarettes and alcohol to keep you sane. If I knew any of these things used on a continuous basis would benefit people, I would be in support of every one, but I know better. If anything, abused substances, rob people of their youth, intelligence, and physical strength.

So I close with this, don't allow anyone or anything to disturb your peace of mind. If you must go along with someone else's program temporarily, at least orchestrate a means of escape in case what you are putting up with and giving up seems a bit too much.

According to the Holy Scriptures, "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you." So take the time to pray a long prayer today to your God about everything that is bothering you.

Nicholl McGuire

Hard to Be a Good Mom When You're Being Abused

There are moms who are fighting the good fight everyday! They fight with children, fight through traffic, fight with co-workers, fight with in-laws, and even fight with partners. It wasn't always like this! She used to be a nice, docile type adored and appreciated by family and friends.

A woman who has been through storms in her life and is still trying to protect herself from current storms is not a happy woman especially when she is living with an unhappy partner. He lies about sexual conquests, disrespects her and the children, ignores the family's need for attention, and often chooses to accommodate his selfish needs; rather than consider the needs of others. She is being abused whether she wants to call it that.

How can she raise well-adjusted, dare I say it, normal children when all this unnecessary stress is in and around her. It's hard enough just living especially if she has PMS or menopausal issues, now she has to contend with an abusive partner or spouse!

Something has got to give! She must look at her life from the outside in and realize that someone is going to get hurt if she keeps going out without a coat, umbrella and boots in these storms. Will it be the children? Will it be her? Will it be him? A victim has an excuse for everything. She reasons that nothing is as bad as it seems. She believes she has nothing to worry about. She thinks that the children will be alright, but we all know better--some of you reading this probably wished mom and dad had never met.

So with all this said, how does her issues with the man affect her parenting? Here are a few signs:

She frequently yells at the children for no apparent reason.

She complains a lot about her family issues.

She often thinks about getting away from her family.

She believes that drinking alcohol or smoking illegal drugs will take the edge off, so that she can face another day.

She allows her husband/boyfriend to get away with things even though she knows his actions are killing her inside.

She fantasizes about a divorce and/or seeing other men.

She wishes she never had children.

If you have any or all of these signs, you must re-evaluate what is happening in your personal life and how you intend to make some changes. My sincere prayers go out to you!

Nicholl McGuire wrote the book in the video, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate on Amazon.com