When You Marry Someone with Children, Expect to Be Uncomfortable

If you thought that it was going to be blissful getting married to someone with children coupled with a less than stellar past, may I be the one to burst your bubble?  I almost did this in the past then years later, ended up being the one with the children while my future partner had none. 

Sure, there are good times in relationships when everyone is getting along, appear to be in love and "making things work."  But sooner or later, good times, become difficult times and real joy sometimes can't be found amongst the mess--this is where the challenges lie.  Most likely, a divorced messenger or two warned you about the highs and lows prior to a wedding and afterward and you deemed that person negative, a hater, jealous, or something else! 

What happens when church visits don't work anymore to bring peace to a troubled mind?  What happens when what the therapist said isn't sticking like it once did?  What happens when parents aren't there to support your decision like they did at one time or another?  What happens when pills stop working?  Now what?

Far too many women, enter into new relationships with an "I can save the world" mentality!  So they rush around trying to do everything right for partners, their children, his children, exes, and more while putting themselves on a fast track to a hospital bed or to a grave prematurely!  Rather than, take one's time and enjoy a life of solitude and appreciation for the finer things in life like being alone, a desperate woman (or man) in search of a soul tie, ends up hurt, bitter and confused trading his or her life of serenity for drama.  Those of us who have been around for awhile have seen the movie play out in our lives or others.  You think the next time around is going to be the best, most wonderful, greatest time in your life and you just end up with more of the same.  A different book cover, a chapter title changed, but underneath it all, you still have to work!  Troubled minds don't get it they try to rationalize things or work even harder at disassociating themselves from truth!  Why does one falsely think that a new relationship won't bring any new responsibilities and/or headaches? Why do couples deceive themselves into believing that there will always be hand-holding, sweet-talking and kissing?

Your children, his children, her children, and their children, bring work and lots of it!  Couples in marriages like these may desire a "Me and You" type of lifestyle, but let's face it, no relationship that starts and ends like this is sincerely a happy one!  There is me and the children and the parents and the exes and the whatever and whoever some of which aren't going anywhere anytime too soon!

Selfish speech and behaviors void of welcoming others into one's life are simply not good relationships.  Pretending to be accepting of all when one knows deep down inside that is the furthest thing from the truth is deceptive.  Children are in the home, they need to be cared for, trained, talked to, watched, and more!  How does anyone think for one moment that you can juggle everyone and everything and never have some sort of breakdown whether at home, on the job, or in a bedroom crying one's eyes out?  Be honest, you don't like that person, this place, and those things!  You can't stand doing this or that and for some of you, you question what did you get yourself into?  Now you are on the right path toward your personal healing and growth--you are finally being honest!  People mess up, but the real survivors are those who don't wallow in their mess!  Call them stupid, crazy, a fool, or whatever else, but they have their personal freedom--what about you?  They are content with who they are--what about you?  They aren't interested in fighting in wars that they know they can't win--what about YOU?

A person who enters into a relationship on a shoddy foundation assuming that crying while staying up all hours of the night communicating is off to a good start, but she still has much to learn.  Good sex, food, and a clean household are nice things to do, but they will not drive demons away even if these niceties are included in the basic building blocks of a relationship!  The demons don't care that your house is clean and you talk without cursing, they will just go away for a time, and bring back more demons?  What's your plan now? 

From the partner to the children, dark spirits and their influence do exist, don't be deceived!  There are open portals from which they come in and show out and many times people create them by marrying individuals who are they are unequally yoked, can't connect with due to different cultural differences, ethnicity, tribes, habits, and more!  We just aren't all the same! 

It doesn't matter what we call "personal challenges, problems, relationship issues, struggles..." demons are demons!  Newlyweds look everywhere for the troubles, while overlooking the person standing in front of them.  They will look under the bed, in the closet, on a billing statement, in the refrigerator, dissect a child in the hopes of getting information, even look outside of the relationship, but the real issue is one or both inthe relationships have been rejected, are like lemons--full of all sorts of issues--a man or woman who didn't do well in previous relationships and won't necessarily do right in the current one unless the new partner is willing to embrace the person along with his or her personal demons.  Sound crazy, but true!  Marriages that last in the double digits do so, because people stopped trying to change, rearrange, nit-pick, and fight with one another about their differences--they learned to live with not just God and his angels, but Satan and his demons too!  Think about it, observe, have an Aha moment!  This is key information! 

Some hard-hearted and stiff-necked people refuse to let go of their issues, they have become a part of who they are like the eye-balls in their head, and they will fight anyone or anything if their nest is disturbed.  Don't believe me, try speaking truth to someone about their smoking/food/sex/substance addiction?  Notice their eyes, did you see their personal demons rise up?  I rest my case.   

Take a moment to picture a mother bird who has built her nest in an area that is potentially harmful to her and her birds like a front door entrance of a home where people walk in and out.  While some observers might choose to walk around the nest or use an alternative entrance, others will refuse to do so, and begin to work out a plan to knock the nest down to the ground with or without the eggs being in it.  Call it harsh, but that's the truth especially if it annoys someone who has enough issues and doesn't like the sound of birds chirping too closely to one's home.  But what will the mother bird do when her nest is threatened, she will attack, even when she is in the wrong in the first place, she will attack!  Now apply this scenario to your situation or someone else's, there are consequences to the choices we make and not everyone will like or appreciate what we do especially when we made what others might feel are poor choices.  The mother bird in your vision made a bad decision on where to place her nest and now she must fight to stay there risking her life and the lives of her babies--is it really worth it or is there a better way?  No amount of wishing, praying or hoping will change a broken relationship when it is destined to be broken and yes in a fallen world there are some partnerships that will not survive!   

Unruly, disrespectful children, raised by rebellious parents (and grandparents), get weary of new faces, places, rules, and fights with every person that comes into their lives through dating and remarriage.  Hurt women play into mind games like being manipulated and controlled by spouses/boyfriends hell-bent on getting what they want.  In-laws get tired of having to put on false fronts every time a loved one brings yet another new person into the family circle.  Exes get tired of new rule books created each time a new partner shows up and shows out.  "We think...we believe...we will...we discussed...we planned..." is what an exe hears from a former partner about yet another new mate, who is supposedly "nice, good, loved."  But what is really being said is not "We," but "He/She wants, said, needs, doesn't like, isn't going to..." 

Expect to be put off, uncomfortable, and at times angry when it comes to one thing or another with remarriage--isn't that what society prepares you for anyway bad exes, in-laws, step-parents, etc.?  It doesn't have to be, but it happens.

When you marry someone with children, there is another world open to you that isn't for the weak.  It's difficult enough trying to maintain interest in a relationship where there are no children.  If you have a faith, this is why a loving God warned you before you made your decision about the following:  to enjoy your freedom, to avoid sex before marriage, and to take your time!  All of which some claim they did months or years ago, then what seems to be the problem if you did everything right from the start?  Maybe remarriage just wasn't meant to be for some couples, but we mustn't say that (being sarcastic here)--we are to overlook the truth and dwell in the lie.  Remember, this blog is named When Mothers Cry for good reason.  The truth hurts!  

"Learn to focus on reality and deal with reality, rather than look for an escape from it or seek to place blame on everyone and everything else," I heard the Holy Spirit say.  For some readers, you bit off more than you could chew, so trust in your Creator to impart knowledge and godly wisdom that will restore balance to a difficult situation.

Nicholl McGuire also maintains blog: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

Reflections of Motherhood

Don't Lie...You Don't Have the Money to Pay for That!

Spending money you don't have because you can't bear to see disappointed faces on Christmas and other holidays.  But the truth of the matter is you don't have it to give!  You really can't afford to acknowledge anyone's birthday, wedding, Christmas, New Year's event--nothing!  Back to school just passed and you are still paying off debt.  So what can you do?  Here's a tip, keep making money and paying off bills.

This is the reality for many mothers who are trying real hard to make their homes fun.  Most men know that when they can't pay for something, they have no problem saying,  "No, honey."  But it is the women who oftentimes buy the holiday decor, celebrate this event and that one, show off new purchases, and make the household happy and bright!  If they don't, in some cases the same man who isn't giving up one dollar is saying, "It just ain't Christmas!"  Now, that's wrong!  My sisters who are tearful this holiday season, stop upsetting yourself!

Some of my readers have been crying over one issue or another for years, and holiday time is one of the most troubling times of year.  Loved ones have died, people are sickly, money is funny, and children can be even more challenging to parent, because of all of the brainwashing from school to the TV.  Women with children, women without children, divorced women, cheating women, women being cheated on, newly married women...they all have issues around this time of the year, the ones they can see, and the ones they can't until months later.  The sudden job loss shows up, relationship difficulities, troubled children, cheating partners, and more after a so-called happy season of debt, smiles and good food--really, that's it?  Then what do some women do?  They lie.  They lie about having money when they don't.  They lie about how much money they spent on purchases.  They lie about being happy, when they are not.  They lie about who they received a gift from and where they have been all afternoon.  They lie about their health, job, and whatever other lie they use to cover up the last lie.  And they can't afford any of the lies!

Tis the season my friends, tis the season!  Many women who haven't started Christmas shopping or decorating, don't!  Go into the New Year paying off debt, not creating it.  It will only be a matter of time that the debt issues will surface and someone in your family won't be happy.  "Well, I will deal with that later, thanks for the advice.  Now on with the show," an unwise woman says.  But rather than do that, consider what the new year might bring because of what you do today, tomorrow, and as it gets closer to the 25th.  Are you promised your job next year?  Is it really worth buying into media lies?  For believers reading this, I challenge you to think, "Will the lies of Santa and other false stories like how much you spent shopping sincerely bring you peace in your home and money increase or will Satan?"  Be wise this holiday season, stop spreading lies right along with false cheer.

Nicholl McGuire


   

Do You Know a Frustrated Bread Winner and Caregiver?

She works almost six days a week at work and everyday at home, a frustrated breadwinner isn't the least bit happy these days. Her husband works overtime sometimes, but his money just isn't enough to cover most bills. He often comes home with little on his mind but a remote control and TV, video gaming console, or computer screen. The children are in need of help with homework, a ride to yet another extracurricular activity, while a relative or friend is calling on the cell phone sharing one issue or another, her husband isn't very helpful. It's only a matter of time when the two will argue yet again about relationship challenges, money problems, and his hobbies.

Frustrated bread winners and caregivers are gradually created, they just don't become irritated, bitter, or abusive overnight.  The frustration began when a promise was broken, when trust was violated, when selfish pleasures and material wealth became more important than family, when disappointments came all-too frequently, the smile turned upside down didn't come back for the crying breadwinner and caregiver.

Some husbands/boyfriends convince others that a partner is just a real you know what and will look for sympathy, but a discerning listener will avoid the temptation to side with a critical man who finds watching TV more important than spending quality time with his family, going out doing what he wants to do, and whatever he feels floats his boat. Maybe one doesn't know how he or his wife truly live, but time surely tells!

A woman who is spending more money than she is bringing in, while taking great care to buy her mate and children, is going to cry broke more than others. She too will look for someone to tell her, "It's okay, you are a good woman. He just doesn't appreciate you..." But before you do, consider the role she is playing, what she has permitted her mate to do and not do over the years, and what sacrifices she has yet to make to restore balance for herself and on the home front.

Know-it-all, stubborn women, who think more of themselves than a Creator, will defend their poor life decisions--they will scream, curse, gossip, and ignore whistleblowers.  Sure, she is frustrated, might even be suicidal, but until she is willing to make necessary adjustments in her life to bring peace, she will remain upset. In time, her complaints, concerns, and thoughts about "Why my husband/boyfriend always..." will get old and family and friends will stop listening to her stories and offering assistance especially when they are often inconvenienced by her requests to "help, show support, donate, give, be there."  Loved ones will start to think, "Why should I keep watching these children while she works/goes places, when her husband is right at home? Why does she say she is going to do this and that and never does it? Why does her and her husband claim to make so much money, yet are always struggling, I'm not buying another thing for them!" Advisers warn the angry breadwinner and caregiver about many things like:  spending too much money on frivolous things, too much errand running, too many hours at work, too little free time, too much arguing, not enough compromising...and yet still nothing changes on the homefront--NOTHING!  Her issues, become everyone else's issues. 

Year one, year two, year three goes by of her relationship with a significant, and issues grow into bigger ones. People get older, less patient, forgetful, and easily irritated over just about anything, and all the frustrated bread winner and caregiver can think of is, "Now when is God going to call me home?" She might as well stop wishing for death, and make some changes personally, professionally and with those who she claims to love. 

It is unfortunate, but this blog, as well as other writings elsewhere, have warned repeatedly, "Slow down mothers, you are dying before the men," but do they really ponder what is being said, do they?   Everything the husband/boyfriend, children, relatives, friends, and what these mothers do is so very "important and needs to be done right now...and I can do it, and everyone needs me, and I am the great all powerful...and I have to, I must do,"  the frustrated mother proclaims! 

My question to her is this, so who will do everything once she dies?

Nicholl McGuire, author When Mothers Cry.  Hear spiritual audio by Nicholl here.

     

When Loving a Man Costs Too Much

A woman gives up her single, happy life to date a man she thinks she knows.  She ignores her gut feeling.  She pretends as if he doesn't have any exs.  She acts as if she has the best you know what than any of the women preceeding him.  The two eventually get married, because she thinks, "It's what's best."  Later, they have a baby or two, or three, or four, or five plus.  Then she supposedly finds out he is bad news and so she plays hell trying to stick the relationship out.  While she is working hard to be the best wife/friend, he could care less.  She forsakes family and friends for the man.  She goes into massive debt for the man.  She works a job or two for the household.  And with all that, he finds fault with her, badmouths her to others, and then smiles in her face when he needs her to do yet another thing. 

How many times have we seen this scenario play out in a television movie, hear someone talk about "a friend" or worse have this sort of thing happen to any one of us?  Whether she is a woman of faith or not, desperate singles looking for a lover, sugar daddy, or a father figure for their children, will play out a fantasy of sorts, while hoping for the best.  She envisions a life where she doesn't have to work as hard, someone will love her, and she can create a photobook of Kodak moments!  Therefore, she opens heart, arms, and legs wide for someone/something (a dark spirit) that she doesn't know has more issues than she.  Whether he is a compulsive liar, spender, gambler, porn addict, alcohol abuser, drug user, unavailable, emotionally and/or physically abusive, a desperate woman will look to be fulfilled.  "We can pray about all that later...we can deal with the issues--everyone has issues...lets just get married, have a baby, move, buy a house, get a car."  Reason away challenge after challenge.  Justify, defend and fight anyone who objects/warns/advises.  Mom says, "Honey, maybe you might want to slow down, I mean take your time.  You really don't know this guy that well."  The gullible woman retorts, "I know what I'm doing...Well, I did this because...I feel that what is going on is just..."  The silly woman, blinded by her own fantasy, is not listening, so stop talking!

Sisters:  white, yellow, red, black, and everyone in between--enough is enough!  Some of us have been played by men, used, abused, and tricked.  Then what does the Judas in our circle do?  She overlooks the warnings we tell her, turns on her sisters like a rattle snake, and goes back to the man (causing her so much pain) running her mouth about everything she thinks she knows.  The poor woman boasts, "Well, I share everything with my man, don't you?"  Everything!? 

In time, what her sorry excuse for a husband/boyfriend was doing is now not doing, and the relationship begins to take on a different course then what her mind had imagined, now the tearful lady wants back in the sisters' circle.  She returns offering her service.  She calls friends for a bit of comfort.  She finds family and friends once again a bit refreshing.  But then the mentally disturbed women turns into Judas again, telling what she has learned to her husband/boyfriend.  How long will she keep running to and fro giving what little strength she has left to stand to the one who exhausts her of her energy in the first place?  How long will she blame everyone else for the pain that her mate is causing?  How long will she lie/cover up the fact that her lover was nothing more than a fraud?

Love has its limit, an expiration date, contrary to what some songs like to make us believe.  There comes a point in any relationship where one has to evaluate, "Am I really loving my husband/children's father or am I just tolerating him?"  It is hard for any woman to rebound from cheating, lying conniving, manipulators who are controlling and more!  Any hurtful thing that a mate repeatedly does, even after you have screamed, "Ouch, that hurts!" is abusing you. 

The phrase, "I love you" can become a burden when the cost becomes too high for anyone to pay.  Consider such a phrase coming from someone abusing you, can you honestly believe that?  From the wife to the children, when all one can think about is, "How much is it going to cost to break free--I just want out of this miserable life?"  You are already paying too much!  When a woman can't sit amongst a group of other women without worrying about who/what/when/where/why concerning her man, she is already paying too much!  When she goes about her day resenting all she is doing for others, rather than appreciating them, the cost of love has become too much for her little mind to pay!  It is unfortunate, but many women have gone to their graves in the name of so-called love, when in all actuality, they went down in hate!  They hated spouses, resented children, and wished for nothing, but love and happiness and never really experienced either for long.

There are far too many women who have permitted selfish needs to override love.  They just had to have everything that their sisters have and now they are physically and mentally sick--they just couldn't wait.  "I have to get married now!  I have to have a baby now!  I have to get the job now!  I have to move now!  I have to have a pet now!"  You get the point, because you most likely have been there and done that already.

These women believe in spouses that don't believe in them (unless they are always ready and able to assist,) but when they are sick and unable to perform, their selfish men don't love them in sickness.  Rather, they look to get their needs taken care of elsewhere.  These unfulfilled women, and dare I say it weak-minded, seek all sorts of distractions and addictions to keep their minds off of their unsatisfying relationships.  They will even go so far as to allow their mates, who they have shared their sisters' weaknesses with, to infiltrate their minds and hearts with foolish talk.  "Oh, those ladies at work are just jealous of you...you know you can't trust women...those women in your support group are stupid, you are better than them!"  So the sick woman, who still has a lot of healing yet to do, regresses.  She doesn't get any better even after cutting out this person and that one, ending this activity and another one!  "Maybe, my husband is right."  Back into his arms she goes, then not too long afterward, she is out of them, wishing she had never let her guard down with him once again!

You can't talk real truth with weak-minded women who are sold out on weak-minded men.  If you have a faith, you can pray for them, but that's about all you can do.  There is a certain degree of mind control that takes place with some women who have spent far too many years imagining what life would be like with that supposed ideal guy.  A mind-control that the woman created prior to meeting her fellow.  She planned their meeting.  She agreed to pay for whatever he wanted.  She decided where they would go and what he would do and what they would build together.  What sounds like, "We" really is about "Me."  And when her dreams don't turn out the way she wanted, her self-programming is broken.  She awakens to a world where she isn't as nice, sweet and polite as she thought and the one she is with isn't any different.  She is tested beyond measure and the children look on in disbelief.  She is a fool for love--she is yelling, breaking things, slamming doors, having temper tantrums, snooping through his things, threatening him, texting him day and night...and whatever else.

Is he really worth it?  Maybe for some of you he is and if so, any logical person will question, "Why?"  Yet, for others, pick up what is left of your mind, and get out while you still can, if not for you, for the children.


Nicholl McGuire