When You Marry Someone with Children, Expect to Be Uncomfortable

If you thought that it was going to be blissful getting married to someone with children coupled with a less than stellar past, may I be the one to burst your bubble?  I almost did this in the past then years later, ended up being the one with the children while my future partner had none. 

Sure, there are good times in relationships when everyone is getting along, appear to be in love and "making things work."  But sooner or later, good times, become difficult times and real joy sometimes can't be found amongst the mess--this is where the challenges lie.  Most likely, a divorced messenger or two warned you about the highs and lows prior to a wedding and afterward and you deemed that person negative, a hater, jealous, or something else! 

What happens when church visits don't work anymore to bring peace to a troubled mind?  What happens when what the therapist said isn't sticking like it once did?  What happens when parents aren't there to support your decision like they did at one time or another?  What happens when pills stop working?  Now what?

Far too many women, enter into new relationships with an "I can save the world" mentality!  So they rush around trying to do everything right for partners, their children, his children, exes, and more while putting themselves on a fast track to a hospital bed or to a grave prematurely!  Rather than, take one's time and enjoy a life of solitude and appreciation for the finer things in life like being alone, a desperate woman (or man) in search of a soul tie, ends up hurt, bitter and confused trading his or her life of serenity for drama.  Those of us who have been around for awhile have seen the movie play out in our lives or others.  You think the next time around is going to be the best, most wonderful, greatest time in your life and you just end up with more of the same.  A different book cover, a chapter title changed, but underneath it all, you still have to work!  Troubled minds don't get it they try to rationalize things or work even harder at disassociating themselves from truth!  Why does one falsely think that a new relationship won't bring any new responsibilities and/or headaches? Why do couples deceive themselves into believing that there will always be hand-holding, sweet-talking and kissing?

Your children, his children, her children, and their children, bring work and lots of it!  Couples in marriages like these may desire a "Me and You" type of lifestyle, but let's face it, no relationship that starts and ends like this is sincerely a happy one!  There is me and the children and the parents and the exes and the whatever and whoever some of which aren't going anywhere anytime too soon!

Selfish speech and behaviors void of welcoming others into one's life are simply not good relationships.  Pretending to be accepting of all when one knows deep down inside that is the furthest thing from the truth is deceptive.  Children are in the home, they need to be cared for, trained, talked to, watched, and more!  How does anyone think for one moment that you can juggle everyone and everything and never have some sort of breakdown whether at home, on the job, or in a bedroom crying one's eyes out?  Be honest, you don't like that person, this place, and those things!  You can't stand doing this or that and for some of you, you question what did you get yourself into?  Now you are on the right path toward your personal healing and growth--you are finally being honest!  People mess up, but the real survivors are those who don't wallow in their mess!  Call them stupid, crazy, a fool, or whatever else, but they have their personal freedom--what about you?  They are content with who they are--what about you?  They aren't interested in fighting in wars that they know they can't win--what about YOU?

A person who enters into a relationship on a shoddy foundation assuming that crying while staying up all hours of the night communicating is off to a good start, but she still has much to learn.  Good sex, food, and a clean household are nice things to do, but they will not drive demons away even if these niceties are included in the basic building blocks of a relationship!  The demons don't care that your house is clean and you talk without cursing, they will just go away for a time, and bring back more demons?  What's your plan now? 

From the partner to the children, dark spirits and their influence do exist, don't be deceived!  There are open portals from which they come in and show out and many times people create them by marrying individuals who are they are unequally yoked, can't connect with due to different cultural differences, ethnicity, tribes, habits, and more!  We just aren't all the same! 

It doesn't matter what we call "personal challenges, problems, relationship issues, struggles..." demons are demons!  Newlyweds look everywhere for the troubles, while overlooking the person standing in front of them.  They will look under the bed, in the closet, on a billing statement, in the refrigerator, dissect a child in the hopes of getting information, even look outside of the relationship, but the real issue is one or both inthe relationships have been rejected, are like lemons--full of all sorts of issues--a man or woman who didn't do well in previous relationships and won't necessarily do right in the current one unless the new partner is willing to embrace the person along with his or her personal demons.  Sound crazy, but true!  Marriages that last in the double digits do so, because people stopped trying to change, rearrange, nit-pick, and fight with one another about their differences--they learned to live with not just God and his angels, but Satan and his demons too!  Think about it, observe, have an Aha moment!  This is key information! 

Some hard-hearted and stiff-necked people refuse to let go of their issues, they have become a part of who they are like the eye-balls in their head, and they will fight anyone or anything if their nest is disturbed.  Don't believe me, try speaking truth to someone about their smoking/food/sex/substance addiction?  Notice their eyes, did you see their personal demons rise up?  I rest my case.   

Take a moment to picture a mother bird who has built her nest in an area that is potentially harmful to her and her birds like a front door entrance of a home where people walk in and out.  While some observers might choose to walk around the nest or use an alternative entrance, others will refuse to do so, and begin to work out a plan to knock the nest down to the ground with or without the eggs being in it.  Call it harsh, but that's the truth especially if it annoys someone who has enough issues and doesn't like the sound of birds chirping too closely to one's home.  But what will the mother bird do when her nest is threatened, she will attack, even when she is in the wrong in the first place, she will attack!  Now apply this scenario to your situation or someone else's, there are consequences to the choices we make and not everyone will like or appreciate what we do especially when we made what others might feel are poor choices.  The mother bird in your vision made a bad decision on where to place her nest and now she must fight to stay there risking her life and the lives of her babies--is it really worth it or is there a better way?  No amount of wishing, praying or hoping will change a broken relationship when it is destined to be broken and yes in a fallen world there are some partnerships that will not survive!   

Unruly, disrespectful children, raised by rebellious parents (and grandparents), get weary of new faces, places, rules, and fights with every person that comes into their lives through dating and remarriage.  Hurt women play into mind games like being manipulated and controlled by spouses/boyfriends hell-bent on getting what they want.  In-laws get tired of having to put on false fronts every time a loved one brings yet another new person into the family circle.  Exes get tired of new rule books created each time a new partner shows up and shows out.  "We think...we believe...we will...we discussed...we planned..." is what an exe hears from a former partner about yet another new mate, who is supposedly "nice, good, loved."  But what is really being said is not "We," but "He/She wants, said, needs, doesn't like, isn't going to..." 

Expect to be put off, uncomfortable, and at times angry when it comes to one thing or another with remarriage--isn't that what society prepares you for anyway bad exes, in-laws, step-parents, etc.?  It doesn't have to be, but it happens.

When you marry someone with children, there is another world open to you that isn't for the weak.  It's difficult enough trying to maintain interest in a relationship where there are no children.  If you have a faith, this is why a loving God warned you before you made your decision about the following:  to enjoy your freedom, to avoid sex before marriage, and to take your time!  All of which some claim they did months or years ago, then what seems to be the problem if you did everything right from the start?  Maybe remarriage just wasn't meant to be for some couples, but we mustn't say that (being sarcastic here)--we are to overlook the truth and dwell in the lie.  Remember, this blog is named When Mothers Cry for good reason.  The truth hurts!  

"Learn to focus on reality and deal with reality, rather than look for an escape from it or seek to place blame on everyone and everything else," I heard the Holy Spirit say.  For some readers, you bit off more than you could chew, so trust in your Creator to impart knowledge and godly wisdom that will restore balance to a difficult situation.

Nicholl McGuire also maintains blog: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.