When They Aren't Your Children...

Some of us have grieved a child we either lost due to death, legal battle or some other way and it hurts!  We may welcome other people's children into our lives or stay clear away.  Only God knows the pain we feel!  It hurts sometimes to see someone with their children and here you are all alone with maybe a picture or two in a wallet or cell phone of your own child.  Sometimes you wonder how did you get to this place in your life that you are more important these days then raising your child, but it is your current reality, and how you deal with being away from your child or children is all up to you.

I am that woman that has been with children at home on a daily basis and then eventually had to say goodbye for a number of reasons sometimes for a short period of time and other times longer.  After I managed to get comfortable in my lifestyle, I allowed other people's children to come into my life until the time was convenient again to see my own children. 

It can be such a relief to your soul to talk to a child or do something nice for her or him that brings a smile on his or her face.  But I won't say that it doesn't hurt sometimes.  I think of how my sons might react to that nice toy I bought someone else's child and then I may feel guilty or get angry that my own children aren't with me.  I am learning slowly that instead of thinking of someone else's child as a replacement; it is better to just look at the time you are spending in the presence of other people's children as a gift of service similar to what you would do if you were doing volunteer work.  No one can ever replace your child and no one is asking you to either.  The beauty in spending time with someone else's child is you can give what doesn't belong to you back and never worry over the child like you do your own.

Every mother needs that time to recharge.  She needs to look back at the time she had been spending with her own children and learn from it.  There is so much we can do with free time that suddenly comes out of no where.  Oftentimes we covet it when we are around our children.  We wish that we could be that woman who doesn't have to tote children around.  We think of those moments of peace she has just to do something simple like try a new hairstyle or paint her fingernails.  Now it's our turn and we might as well make the most of it until that day we meet our children again.

Nicholl McGuire

Keeping It Inside Will Drive You Crazy

I have been asked this question over different times in my life, "How could you leave your children with their fathers?"  Whether I left my children to go to the store, vacation, work, or during a break up.  My answer to that, "Why not?  He is the father you know and besides he takes good care of them."

I don't care whether a mother is leaving her children an hour or five years, there is a good reason why she needs to leave.  I think too many of us are quick to condemn, but far too slow to show some support (no wonder why some women can't keep friends, but I digress.) 

You see, sometimes we have to take a good look at what exactly does the title "mother" mean to me?  For some women, they are step-mothers, mothers-to-be, and mother-in-laws and they aren't too happy about those titles.  They know what they can and can't tolerate.  Sometimes we think that by saying, "You are a good mom" or "What you are going through isn't as bad as what I went through..." is encouraging, but that isn't always the case.  It is because of statements like this, that some women freeze up and choose not to reveal how they sincerely feel about motherhood.  They may have wanted to pour out their heart and cry a good cry to a relative or friend, but because of a certain comment, question, or expression they clam up and instead out comes, "Thanks, I try to be a good mom."

Keeping anything inside that is plaguing your mind on a daily basis will hurt you.  Let me repeat that, keeping anything inside that is plaguing your mind on a daily basis will hurt you.  Ever wonder why some women end up in the insane asylum?  Maybe the idea of staying-at-home with children isn't working anymore.  Maybe the relationship with the father has taken a downturn and there is no hope for the relationship.  Maybe you desire to come up higher spiritually, but routine is keeping you stagnant.  Whatever the "it" is that keeps coming back to the forefront of your mind and making you feel like you are going crazy, do something about it!

I think of so many moms who just settle with "whatever," because it looks good on the outside.  It looks nice to have a man in the home.  It looks good to wear the latest fashions.  It looks good to put the children in private school.  It looks good to participate in all the church and school activities.  It looks good to say, "My child is doing this...my child is doing that..."  But behind closed doors, you are going crazy!  People who are close to moms who want to look their best, although they are going through a test, see the signs, but mom knows best.  Didn't mean to rhyme, but you get my point?  Stressed mom is gaining weight, popping pills, getting up early and staying up late.  She is easily irritated, yelling at everyone, and frequently making errors.  The frazzled mom is blaming everyone for everything, but her overwhelmed self!  In time, that woman who once "was a joy to work with" is now a pain in the you know what!  When you ask her, "How are you?"  She either says, "I'm fine..." or "stressed."  But she keeps going anyway.

When we know someone who is driving herself crazy with all her activities or if we are guilty of driving our own selves insane, then we must learn to take that pause.  Sometimes that pause may mean going back to the drawing board and reinventing the wheel or getting rid of it altogether.

Nicholl McGuire
Author of When Mothers Cry, Amazon.com

Stay-At-Home Mother: Dad Will Appreciate You More When You're Gone

So some of you mothers are feeling used, abused, misused, and just don't know what to do.  You live in a house or apartment with a man who says, "I make the money!  What else do you want from me?"  You in turn say, "Is it too much to ask, can you take the kids out sometime?  Give me a break!"

I experienced what I call "family burn out" on numerous occasions and sometimes my plea was heard, but sometimes it wasn't.  Maybe I was burned out from talking to the kids all day and just wanted the man of the house to make some time to talk to me.  Sometimes there were moments that I needed some help with chores.  Other times the kids wanted me to play with them, teach them, read a book, and do other stuff while dad sat and watched TV or surfed the Internet.  I started to back off from doing so much with the children while dad was home a long time ago.  The stay-at-home mother had learned how to allow dad to take over when it came to handling the children.  I began to back off first during evenings and then on weekends.

A good idea only works for so long before you notice that other areas in your relationship begin to fall apart.  You may try something else to keep the man and children interested.  You might even step up to the plate even more.  However, sometimes nothing seems to work.  Before long, you are questioning why exactly are you a mother, a wife, a lover, the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker?

No man will ever appreciate a woman, the mother of his children, until he knows what it truly feels like to be all alone with the children!  He will begin to understand why she repeatedly warned him about giving the children candy and snacks before dinner.  Why it's so important that the children have a breakfast, lunch, dinner, quiet, and bed times?  Why he should consider spending more time giving the family needed attention and less time watching TV?  Why sometimes he has to put off his needs and tend to the children's needs first? 

If you have been burning out lately from your family obligations, take a moment to see what might you need to do differently to restore those positive feelings back that you once had for your family.  Communicate your thoughts when you feel comfortable to your partner.

I can tell you from my own experience that you can't do it all alone, you need the support of your partner and/or relatives and friends.  If he too is experiencing feelings of family burn out, then hopefully he will say so and together you both can create a plan that will alleviate some stress.  Notice the key word is "together," not apart.   However, if your partner doesn't recognize your need for some relief and refuses to see that he too needs some space, most likely your relationship will begin to take a different turn and it won't be positive.  But first things first, allow daddy to stay home with the children, clean up and do some other things without your sticking around.  Take advantage of your free time, you earned it!

Nicholl McGuire

Battling with PMS Issues Keeps a Mother Crying Each Month

If you have never vomited, cramped for hours, yelled or cried in front of others for what some would say, "no good reason," then you may not be able to relate to what I am about to tell you especially if you know nothing about PMS or PMDD.  Take a moment to read up on these conditions.  Here's my story...

As a child, I was told very often to "stop playing" and "go get my pills," by my mom.  She took Trendar, a pill that has ibuprofen, this was before Advil, Midol, and other brand names.  The pill was supposed to help the pain in her stomach.  I didn't know the specifics of her condition.  I just heard her periodically vomit in the bathroom.  I remember being yelled at, "Do not to get on my nerves...go play...don't bother me!"  Her face was scary and I didn't back talk, because I knew if I didn't do as I was told I would be threatened and dad was going to hear about it, well let's just say,
My sister and I (there were only two of us children) tried very hard to behave.

What I didn't know back then as a little girl (no more than six years old) that I would also experience what my mother was going through starting at age nine.  The pains were intense by eleven until I became an adult and had my third child in my thirties!!  That was an understatement I suffered for half a day at times with everything from stomach and leg cramps to throwing up--nothing would stay down!!  The heavy blood flow was terrible and I often messed up my clothes.  The feminine napkins were uncomfortable and sometimes would shift while rolling over in a bed or walking which would cause messes.  I tried to keep my condition from school friends, but they were curious.  They would peek in the trash can after I left the bathroom.  Looking back, they were a nasty bunch of girls!  Most of them didn't start their cycles until a couple years later or longer.  They announced to others (mainly boys) that I was on my period.  Thank goodness the boys didn't say too much.

I remember experiencing achy body parts from my breasts to my legs and some parts in between as a young girl and older.  These pains felt like having the flu.  I would get hot and cold as well which meant sometimes those hot water bottles (I use to use long ago) I would take off my legs only to put right back on again because the pain was throbbing so bad to the point that I couldn't walk especially the first day of my period.  I recall the ups and downs in my moods and at times no desire to concentrate sometimes on schoolwork.  My dad use to lose his cool with me and blamed my lack of concentration on everything but being a girl who was experiencing her menstrual cycle.  Sometimes I heard my mom remind him.  So in between his frustration with trying to help me with my homework, he would just say, "Go do it yourself!" while mom had pity on me and sometimes needed Grandma to come out to our house to help her with me.  What did my dad know anyway, he was a man!?

As I write, I remember having to walk up hills in the cold, rain and snow from school with terrible cramps.  I can count on one hand how many times someone came to get me from school when I felt bad.  When I turned 15, I started getting rides from neighbors and people from school especially when I felt really bad.  The blood clots caused so much pain.  Sometimes my friends could tell I was feeling bad, because I would get a little snappy with them and there were times that I just wanted to break up with my high school sweetheart for no apparent reason.  I didn't like to be touched during that time of the month if I could help it.

My mom had taken me to the doctor, but there wasn't really anything they could do for a child other than tell my mother to have me use a heating pad, give me Tylenol, and try to get me to move around.  They also suggested birth control.  Of course, the doctors were male.  My pains were too bad to even think about moving around.  Supposedly this advice would help the cramps pass, but it never did for me.  Besides I was already exercising five days a week when I walked to and from school on most days and that was almost a two mile walk!

There were many times that I cried out to grandma's God and all I kept thinking about was that woman in the Holy Bible named Eve and her experience in the garden.  I pleaded with God if I ever had children, I never wanted daughters.  Why should they have to go through this too?  The doctor's said it was hereditary.  The church said it was a generational curse.

Looking back as a teen, I always had two bad weeks where I felt bad.  Sometimes the poetry and stories I wrote back then reflected my condition.  I would be depressed on some days and really didn't want to go to school, but in my childhood home you didn't breathe a word about not feeling well unless every sign on your face, body and in the toilet was evident. 

I eventually went on to college with the same issues and to add more drama to my life back in the mid-nineties I met an abusive man (you can get my book at Amazon.com-Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate by Nicholl McGuire or visit this site.)  With all the problems mentally and physically, I just couldn't take going to college anymore and left after six years.  Instead, I drew near to my Lord and haven't looked back since with regret.

When I grew older, I was told that once I had children the pain wouldn't be as bad--they were right about the cramps, but to date, I still have my moments. It is more of a mental challenge with some days out of the month being attacked with various PMDD related symptoms.  I believe my move from the east coast to a warmer climate on the west coast helped me some during my mid-twenties. However, I didn't anticipate that I would later face various mental conditions each month as well.

In my mid-twenties, I had child number one (God did deliver on that prayer of not having girls.) But, my happiness was short-lived about childbirth because I was wishing back then at least half of the month for baby and man to go away.  Between my menstrual issues and their needs, it was too much!  Then the next child came along and I was ready to get rid of the man, but keep the children part-time.  It didn't help that he had his share of issues too.  During this time birth control was supposed to help with my symptoms like cramping, but it did nothing more than give me more issues to deal with like crazy mood swings, hair falling out, weight gain and the looming threat of cancer in my future if I kept taking them--no thanks!  By baby three (I am divorced and with someone different,) I just wanted to know when God planned on taking me off the face of the earth.  A woman who just couldn't fight all these PMS related symptoms, as far as I was concerned, needed a resting place.  In time, the pain wasn't as intense each month, but all the PMS symptoms experienced for the two weeks leading up to the cycle was enough to wish I were dead.  When I took notice of the mental changes two weeks out of the month on a consistent basis began in 1999 and still have been consistent presently.

Finally after years of listening to some men call me crazy and others just pity me, I had learned that what I was suffering from was PMDD which is worse than PMS--mind you I had to find this out on my own!!!  There are 150 symptoms related to a woman's menstrual cycle!  As if all this wasn't enough, baby boy four shows up during those PMDD highs where all seems to be alright with the world back in 2007 and there I was in the doctor's office getting a precription for antidepressants when I finally came down and was no longer pregnant.  I seem to be in better spirits while pregnant.

At first I thought I was on my way to living a life where I didn't feel bad half the time while on those pills, but oh no!  I tried three different ones and every one had side effects that either made me more weird, hyper, sick feeling, or tired.  Oh and might I add, gain some weight.  I gave them all up after hearing a voice awake me one morning with, "You are going to die."  What the...!?  I thought.  So I'm hearing an evil voice while on the pills?  So the old song goes, " I could do bad all by myself."  I weened myself off of those pills after alerting my doctor.

A couple of years ago I returned to my old roots and went to see someone who sold natural medicines.  My experience has been okay, but still I have my moments.  I have learned to shut people out when I feel my symptoms coming on which means no serious conversations in-person, chatting unnecessarily on social networking sites, inviting people over my home, and no music or TV that glorify evil, relationship dramas, etc. and definitely no depressing TV news!  I don't need the added stress.  I am also tired of apologizing to others for my alters.  Oh, I didn't mention that having serious PMDD issues makes you feel like you have separate personalities.  Who knows, with all the pain I suffered with as a child, I could have created separate personalities to deal with the pain?

In closing, I just wanted to share my personal experience with PMDD related symptoms with those mothers who find themselves going out of their minds sometimes, you aren't alone.  I just pray that you will get all the help you can before it's too late.  As for those of us who have found a way to cope like:  personal faith, herbal medicines, prescription medicines, support groups and/or rehab, if you recognize a mother who is falling apart, try to lead her to some help.  I think of all the people who witnessed moms "lose it," so they say. Yet, they never bothered to give her a phone number to some help, a website, offer to drive her to see a doctor, or give her money to help with buying medicine.  In my opinion, if she should snap out and kill some folks, those insensitive partners and busybodies around her who "always knew she was crazy" ought to be locked up too!  Rather than call her "crazy, mental" or some other insulting word, find some help for these moms.

Nicholl McGuire

Mothers Who Love Their Children Too Much

Is there such a thing as a mother loving her children too much?  Those of you who have witnessed a mother lie, cry, or even die for her children know exactly what loving a child too much means.  It doesn't matter that the child is wrong when it comes to relating to others, repeatedly manipulates a parent to get what he or she wants, and does other things that even God would have to come down from heaven and personally spank the child for, mom loves her baby.

A mother who chooses to love her child beyond words is alright with me until her motherly love becomes a problem for me.  What if this "I love my baby" mama has a child who needs to be disciplined for doing something to mine and she refuses to do it?  What if her sweetie ends up stealing from me?  What if cutie pie cusses me out in front of my children?  It's alright with her, huh?  For this same mom will turn around and say, "What did you do for my child to react that way to you?"  Notice she doesn't blame her child. 

I can speak to this issue of a mother loving her children too much, because I realize that I was headed down that track of loving my children so much that the lines of good and bad started blurring.  I loved out of guilt for being away from them for a time, for divorcing dad, and for frequently being short with them, because my job was more important.  I also witnessed other mothers go overboard for their children out of guilt as well.  It didn't matter that I was putting myself in further debt to meet their needs.  I didn't think much if I was arguing with their father over what they did or didn't do.  I couldn't care less about the criticism I received from others even when my children were in the wrong. 

When I finally decided to sit down and reflect on my actions (or in-actions,) I realize that what I saw myself doing concerning my children I didn't like too much and I became fearful of what they may or may not become in the future.  So I took my Bible out, prayed and started making time in my schedule to read and pray with them more.

I recall a friend telling me that her mother would do any and everything for her "good-for-nothing brother."  I personally watched for years a mother beg and borrow for her children.  Sometimes I was told to "shut-up" or "be quiet" about what I saw.

It shouldn't take a mother losing her bank account, home or freedom to realize that she loves her children too much.  I understand that many moms will give their right arm for their children, but I no longer see that as a noble thing to do.  If we teach our children to be responsible, respectful, and independent, we wouldn't have to give up any of our limbs.  It's interesting because some of the mothers I have encountered who went above and beyond for their children, aren't getting the same in return.  Now they are bitter and bad mouth their adult sons and daughters regularly.

I remember listening to a group of mothers exchanging stories about confrontations they were involved in regarding their children.  They said things like, "If that b#$^&, would have put her hands on my child I would of...I don't play with no one messing with my child...I wish someone would bother my child..."  I could relate to a mother protecting her cubs, but when my cub is hard-headed and keeps defying me, well there comes a point when some things he will have to learn for himself.  Sure, I will do what I can to keep him from the hot stove, but if he insists on seeing what it feels like, at some point I won't be around to stop him.

As much as we, as mothers, don't like to take others' advice and at times we think we know-it-all, sometimes we need to look at that person in the mirror who may be:  graying prematurely, picking up a lot of weight (or losing a lot) due to stress, receiving complaints from others about our children, and overdrafting a bank account or two for our children, that we seriously need to make changes or else we won't be around to love our children.

Nicholl McGuire