The Fine Line Between Being a Mother and a Babysitter

While going through various trials and tribulations in my past relationship, the following thought had crossed my mind: what if all those discussions about how we needed more "us" time ended up being "me" time to the point that we would use one another as babysitters since we had no one else to watch the children?

Well that thought never left back then prior to my divorce or now as I write and ironically the ex did end up using me as a babysitter so that he could do what he wanted.

Too often people are breaking up because they either don't want to bother to reconnect emotionally/spiritually with the mother or father of their children due to boredom, laziness, and/or unforgiveness. So they think that by seeking someone else, they are actually going to rekindle those romantic feelings they desire. Well, I wish I could say, wrong. But they are right. Being with someone else does spark those emotions you had when you first laid eyes on the mother or father of your children, but it doesn't last--it never lasts.

I read an article once that said that the newness of most relationships begins to wear off within the first three months of dating. This means that if you think the grass on the other side will be green for a long time, you are mistaken! So my thoughts led me to another thought, where is the fine line between being a mother who wants to be desired again by her spouse and being a babysitter who is actually watching the children while her spouse looks for love elsewhere?

I personally believe the fine line shows up when he or dare I say it, we show out! That's right, lots of arguing, slamming doors, yelling at the children, and more which unfortunately drive men and women out the door saying things like, "I don't need this! You watch the children! I can do bad all by myself, I don't need any help!" Before long you are stuck with the children on most days. He is golfing, shopping, visiting relatives and friends, while you are at home scolding the children. Of course, this could be the reverse and you are the one guilty of making the father a frequent babysitter. But let's just say you are the babysitter on most days he has free time. The father is enjoying a nice latte at the local coffee shop while reading the newspaper, while you are cooking and cleaning at home. This is what I call a mother turned babysitter. When you find yourself often watching the children for his events, you are not only the mother of his children, but a babysitter too especially when there is no one else to call on!

Some people don't want to see the truth when you bring it to light in this way. They say, "Well I am the mother so it is my responsibility to watch the children when he doesn't want to, can't..." Of course it is. But, you have to ask yourself are you doing it with a peaceful spirit or are you resenting how much time you are spending with the children secretly? Are you on the phone frequently complaining to family and friends about needing free time, space or accusing him of taking advantage of you? Are you suffocating your emotions that should be directed toward an inconsiderate spouse and then taking them out on your children? Think of how many children never make it to adulthood because a mother is just so overwhelmed with parenting. Think of how you or someone you know was negatively affected because "mom was always complaining about dad...they were always arguing about us...he hit her once...she hit him."

Responsible moms run the show, because they can't trust their irresponsible men to do it. Before long, he is walking out the door talking about how she is such a "b*tch" or "she doesn't let me do anything." Is there any validity to his statements? As moms, we have to let these men spend time with the children. So what they don't clean as good as us or serve the best meals. Consider the alternative, a frustrated mom turned babysitter who resents ever having her children. If you are guilty of often caring for the children and everything else around the household, and you are beginning to hate what you do, its time for a meeting about delegating some responsibility to that man.

If you are a divorced mom that has been doing any and everything to keep the peace between you and your ex including taking the children off his hands when you know it can be a bit too much at times, then it's time to think about creating a little distance. Why allow yourself to continue to be taken advantage of? Why let your future suffer while trying to appease your past?

Nicholl McGuire

On Putting Up and Giving Up for the Sake of Family

I wanted to be a career mother, but the kind that wasn't going to stay in the old town that I grew up in. As much as I thought that this was a good decision at the time, now that the children are older, it seems like going back somewhere close to the old hometown might be a wise thing.

I followed my former husband's Calfornia dreamin' and like so many women who do just that, I got burned. The relationship ended with him spending quality time and conversation with my replacement. While going through that difficult period of my life, being 3000 miles away from family and friends, I met my share of military moms in San Diego and I was often saddened to see for months on end, young women raising children alone. They too, were being supportive wives.

I don't know about you, who are reading this, but sometimes we moms need to sit back and establish boundaries on how much are we going to give up and put up with for the sake of family. You might have been asked by your husband or live-in partner to relocate, to pack up the children and move away from parents, and you may have been told to quit your job and stay at home. It all seems so nice on the surface until the inside of you begins to experience fear, resentment, anger and other negative emotions.

Before you know it, one day you are looking in the mirror and realize just how much you have aged due to being sick and tired of giving up and putting up with everything that doesn't support your needs. Maybe you need mom and dad around to help you raise your children. Maybe you need your job to give you a sense of belonging and independence. Maybe you need your girl's night out. Maybe you need your faith to keep you strong. Whatever your need, that thing that keeps your sanity, keep it! Now I'm not advocating abusing or even using drugs, cigarettes and alcohol to keep you sane. If I knew any of these things used on a continuous basis would benefit people, I would be in support of every one, but I know better. If anything, abused substances, rob people of their youth, intelligence, and physical strength.

So I close with this, don't allow anyone or anything to disturb your peace of mind. If you must go along with someone else's program temporarily, at least orchestrate a means of escape in case what you are putting up with and giving up seems a bit too much.

According to the Holy Scriptures, "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you." So take the time to pray a long prayer today to your God about everything that is bothering you.

Nicholl McGuire

Hard to Be a Good Mom When You're Being Abused

There are moms who are fighting the good fight everyday! They fight with children, fight through traffic, fight with co-workers, fight with in-laws, and even fight with partners. It wasn't always like this! She used to be a nice, docile type adored and appreciated by family and friends.

A woman who has been through storms in her life and is still trying to protect herself from current storms is not a happy woman especially when she is living with an unhappy partner. He lies about sexual conquests, disrespects her and the children, ignores the family's need for attention, and often chooses to accommodate his selfish needs; rather than consider the needs of others. She is being abused whether she wants to call it that.

How can she raise well-adjusted, dare I say it, normal children when all this unnecessary stress is in and around her. It's hard enough just living especially if she has PMS or menopausal issues, now she has to contend with an abusive partner or spouse!

Something has got to give! She must look at her life from the outside in and realize that someone is going to get hurt if she keeps going out without a coat, umbrella and boots in these storms. Will it be the children? Will it be her? Will it be him? A victim has an excuse for everything. She reasons that nothing is as bad as it seems. She believes she has nothing to worry about. She thinks that the children will be alright, but we all know better--some of you reading this probably wished mom and dad had never met.

So with all this said, how does her issues with the man affect her parenting? Here are a few signs:

She frequently yells at the children for no apparent reason.

She complains a lot about her family issues.

She often thinks about getting away from her family.

She believes that drinking alcohol or smoking illegal drugs will take the edge off, so that she can face another day.

She allows her husband/boyfriend to get away with things even though she knows his actions are killing her inside.

She fantasizes about a divorce and/or seeing other men.

She wishes she never had children.

If you have any or all of these signs, you must re-evaluate what is happening in your personal life and how you intend to make some changes. My sincere prayers go out to you!

Nicholl McGuire wrote the book in the video, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate on Amazon.com

They Want Our Children

They call themselves mentor, recruiter, spiritual father, spiritual mother, counselor, teacher, priest, bishop, pastor, coach, and more. They disguise themselves with bright colorful words and phrases like, "I love children...I take care of children...I would never do anything to hurt your child..." Some of these people are honest, but others are nothing more than wolves in sheep clothing.

They most likely had been watching your child and mine for some time now waiting for the right time to make a move. The army recruiter bombards the child with dreams. The counselor convinces the child to go to a high-priced college knowing that he or she will be paying student loans back for the rest of his or her life. The relative fills your child's head up with ridiculous thoughts and now you have to try to undo everything that was taught. The teacher pushes lies about American history, religion, and science while your child questions you about every thing under the sun including your faith.

The satanist and the Christian wants your child, it's a battle of good and evil. What is your child's purpose in life? Will he or she be used for good or for evil? Whose side are you on? Some parents go for the middle of the road not interested in either side. To each his own, but at some point in life, someone will be picking a side especially in times of trouble. If the believer in Satan is around your child, he will promise fame and fortune. If the believer in Christ is around your child, he will promise life after death. Whichever road your child chooses, it will be difficult. Go straight up the middle and all his or her life will be plagued with, "Should I? Shouldn't I?" This is why it is up to the parent to teach his or her child basic principles that will help him or her mentally, physically and spiritually survive in this mean world.

If we don't bother to teach our children, no worries someone else will be more than happy to give our sons and daughters a foundation based on their life experiences. The older manipulative man will teach a daughter without her father's influence. The older seductive woman will teach a son without his mother's influence. Children everywhere will be taught by other children who have been taught by all sorts of people and things including dark entities of this world. Don't take my word for it, just watch some of the shows your child is watching and listen to some of the music. Someone or something wants them.

Nicholl McGuire

How We Blind Ourselves to the Actions of Our Children

If you have been a parent long enough, you have at one point in time acted as if your child was innocent even though you knew he or she was guilty as sin!

The audacity of someone to point out a flaw in your child. "Who does she think she is?" Let's face it children are not altogether lovely. Like adults, they have their quirks too no matter how long their eyelashes, pretty their eyes, and cute their smile! I can't help but think of some of the worst people born into this world were once children who came from fairly decent homes. Mom, dad or both were blind as a bat!

It is very easy to blind one's self to the actions of a child especially when they are negative. We don't want to face the reality that we have trouble on our hands. Witness after witness says something about our precious child and we might cover our ears one day, put some rose-colored glasses the next, or act mute another day.

This issue of wearing blinders when it comes to children manifests in how often and how much we buy them. It shows up when people tell us something negative and we choose not to scold them for it. The blinders continue to draw close when we don't want to relinquish power over our children when they are troubled. We choose not to trust someone else better equipped to help our children. In a nut shell, we are the nut! We refuse to face the truth; therefore we act in "nutty" ways.

Some moms will physically fight someone about their child if the person says just one word about a child's actions. Other moms will cuss someone out and accuse them of "not knowing what they are talking about." I wonder what some of the mothers of psychos said when someone came up to their child and said, "I just want to let you know that your son is abusing the cat again and he just tried to stab a dog." or "Your children were seen attempting to hurt a classmate with a baseball bat for the fourth time." How did these moms respond, "Oh kids will be kids."

It's time to wake up and look our children in the eyes. If we see signs that something isn't right upstairs, don't reason it away. If we notice that our children are unusual--different from the rest, don't let a report card filled with good letter grades blind us to other things. If some good Samaritan warns us about our children, don't turn on the person like a snake and bite them! Get the child some help. Do your part, if it means making more sacrifices.

Nicholl McGuire