When the Children Get in The Way

No one wants to place blame on the cute little kid with dark brown eyes who stares back at you and says, "Give me a kiss!" We don't like to think that we can actually get tired of the spoiled brat. Some of us parents rather blame everyone else, but the child for feelings of burnout.

"If it wasn't for my husband's snoring maybe I could rest at night!" That could be true, but also think of the child who is whining in his sleep while tossing and turning in between the middle of you two as well. Could he have something to do with your lack of sleep too? Some parents insist on keeping a child in the same room and even the same bed way past their age. There actually is an age limit that you should keep a child in the bed with you, it expired when they were a few months old.

"If it wasn't for her always nagging me, maybe I could have some peace!" That could be true too, but have you considered the fact that your children are nagging you far more than your wife could ever? Couples often have problems, because they allow the children to be apart of everything! From the adult conversation going on in the bedroom while their son or daughter darts back and forth between rooms to allowing them to shower with mom or dad. Then when there is free time between the two, one or both is off doing whatever they wish never bothering to spend much time with one another.

Sometimes we like to place blame on everyone and everything, but never on the children. Why? Because they are innocent, little, and retarded (LOL) in their own way. They don't know any better. So how could these little people contribute to our world in any sort of negative way? Well they can! From the unexpected poop accident while talking with your spouse about something important to the fighting between siblings in the next room while talking on the phone, these incidents no matter big or small, can contribute to a bad day and can also be emotionally draining.

As parents, especially new ones, we must strongly consider is the negativity that is happening in our lives right now have something to do with the children; and what are we doing or not doing in our parenting, maintaining household and/or employment that is contributing to all the drama?

We have a choice: either see the reality of child rearing and how it affects us mentally and physically or the fantasy of child rearing where everything is so right with our children that they could never lie, manipulate or be angry at us or us with them. Some of us parents like living in fantasy world and tend to place blame on others for shattering it. There is a word that describes people like this narcissistic (please do look it up.) Parents must come up with solutions to make our stay with our little angels (NOT) a little more tolerable and placing blame or criticizing the other parent, relatives, daycare workers, and/or teachers doesn't help matters.

One thing some parents who live on Fantasy Island should do is admit the truth and stop sugarcoating the things that bother them concerning their children. As I'm writing I am thinking of those A.A. groups that some family members use to tell me about where someone would stand up and admit that they were an alcoholic. Well the first step to recovery for some of these self-righteous, narcissistic type of parents is to admit, "I am not perfect. I am responsible for my children. I will not place blame on others for my mistakes with them. I will not place blame on others because I can't seem to get my relationship with my partner right."

So the same can be done when a parent is obviously on his or her last nerve just admit, "The yelling is getting on my nerves!" Admitting this doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you an honest one! Maybe that is another problem too many parents are big liars! They don't want to tell the truth even if it hurts! My question to you is, so what are you going to do about the child who is turning your household upside down? Some parents would argue with their partner and make them the bad guy or gal for wanting the children to calm down, be quiet, put their toys away, clean up a mess, stop playing video games all day, etc.

Another thing is admit "I am doing a poor job parenting these kids!" There are days that we will not always be on top of our game, so why try to hide your flaws by playing the blame game? If the children are having temper tantrums not only at home, but embarrassing you in stores and parking lots then you are doing something wrong!

Lastly, admit "I have allowed my life to center around my children leaving no room for intimacy, travel, friends, shopping, even a few dollars to buy a magazine!" That's right! So if you can't do any of the things you once enjoyed, is it your partner's fault, your mother's fault for not wanting to watch your bratty kids, or anyone else's? We are responsible for our own destiny! If you don't like what is happening on the home front, start doing a better job caring for your children, disciplining them, getting organized, finding ways to obtain more money so you can get someone to watch them, and whatever else you need to do.

Just remember there are more people to love besides the children. Eventually your partner or relative will grow weary of the blame game and you and the kids will be left alone. Then you will start looking for a replacement -- someone who will be a mother or father to your children. Good luck! The next person won't want to be responsible for unruly children nor would he or she enjoy the company of someone who enjoys blaming everyone else concerning their children.

By Nicholl McGuire
http://www.twitter.com/motherhoodtips

The Defensive Mother

"Face what you fear, fix what you have control over, and figure out what's wrong with you before someone else does it for you." This is what I said to those who follow me on Twitter and I mean it with every ounce of my being! Lately, I have been on a mission to not only write articles, books, and poems, but snippets of the most informative and empowering things from my spiritual self, because I know my days are numbered.

The closer you walk in the spiritual realm the closer you are to seeing what your destiny is in life. A woman who has brought another human being in this world should be walking somewhere not just anywhere, because she has been chosen by something, much greater than man, to take on the responsibility of shaping the future. Oh yes, fathers must play a part too, but I am not talking about fathers today. What I am saying is that when you are privy to knowledge or get that "Aha moment" like Oprah has said over the years, you better do something with it. But the defensive mother, she does nothing but fight.

You may know of her or be her, she is the woman who is warned by other mothers about some negative actions she is participating in, and she will find every excuse in the world to not listen or puff herself and family up so as not to feel the conviction in her spirit.

You may have the intuition to see through her as she speaks when others can't or choose not to and look away. If you do ignore her negativity and just go along to get along then you are no friend.

In order to protect herself, she will digress, brag, use how God is with her and anything else to keep you from speaking the truth. For instance, the defensive woman will tell you, how wonderful her partner is, but wasn't it only last week when he cussed her out and reduced her to tears? She tells you how wonderful her children are doing, but wasn't it only days ago that one of them was in trouble? She talks about how much money she has, but wasn't it less than a year ago that she was asking around for money? Now she has painted her lips red, puffed her hair out, squeezed her body in a tight girdle, put a short dress on, and slipped into a pair of pumps way to tall to stand in much less walk in, and she doesn't want to hear anything you have to say.

She looks at you like a fool. She rolls her eyes, tosses back her hair, and acts like her child is doing something so important that she must tend to him or her while you talk. You almost feel compelled to be quiet and forget about her and what you were going to say. But there is a powerful prompting in your spirit that makes you blurt out with, "Listen! You must hear this..." Then what follows is something you have observed in the way she is handling a matter or matter(s.) You find yourself trying to give her legs to stand before her life falls in those heels that she is wearing especially if she chooses to go out into the world marketing herself in that way.

Oh she is going to fight you! She is going to tell you about yourself. "Well what about you...and remember when...and you think..!" But you don't hear all of that, because if you are a spiritual woman, you will be saying things that will haunt her for days until she finally says, "Now I know why you said what you did..." She may even put pride aside and say, "You were right."

I wrote this because I have met far too many defensive women who dance around issues in an attempt to run away from wisdom. They think that because on the outside they appear to have "it going on" that no one can tell them anything. But guess what? Someone is going to tell them something and it might be you, I or someone else or a negative circumstance with a serious lesson to be learned. We may be the ones that may have a messenger come to us one day. If so, I would advise that we shut our mouths and take some notes.

In closing, we must consider the following. One, we face whatever circumstances we fear. Two, use the feelings of resistance to fix what we have control over. Lastly, take an inward look at ourselves in order to figure out what is exactly wrong with us.

Remember don't be a defensive mother when there is no offense being committed, and no game being played. Watch and listen.

FIX, FACE & FIGURE FOR 2010

Nicholl McGuire
http://www.twitter.com/motherhoodtips

Respect Hard to Come By When You Don't Expect It

I have seen my share of children often giving parents a hard time. It isn't that these parents aren't great, patient, and tend to be "very nice", the problem is they are too nice.

The child pulls away, falls out, whines, acts like a fool just about anywhere they take them and the "nice" parent just says, "Okay that's enough." In a sweet, voice only to infuriate the child more and make an even bigger scene.

There's not much you can do once a child is in the public and most likely he or she knows that, that's why they do what they do. But there is plenty you can do behind closed doors without prying eyes, wondering, "Well how does he manage to get his children to behave?"

Sometimes as mothers we are so busy doing a myriad of tasks that we fail to discipline our children consistently then wonder why they misbehave. If it means that you have to write a large note on a wall with the penalties of each action if your child steps out of line to help you remember, do it.

Its bad enough that some mothers wear frustration on their faces when dealing with their children, its another problem when their dramas become yours.

Thanks for reading and your continued support!

Nicholl McGuire
http://www.twitter.com/motherhoodtips

See You at Twitter!

Stay informed with some of the latest products, tips, organizations and more at our new site on Twitter.

As you know being a mother, things change within seconds when children are involved, so we wanted to be able to bring you information as soon as we hear about it, so that it may help you and your family.

We just started this account so it is brand new! Be one of the first to follow us!

http://www.twitter.com/motherhoodtips

Today was a Good Day!

Sometimes it is challenging for some mothers to say, "Today was a good day!" Because they are often feeling upset about one thing or another. But when those good days come, we should all rejoice!

A mother who is often angered isn't someone you will want to be around. When you ask her how she is doing, she usually responds with, "I'm okay. Alright I guess. Not bad. Not feeling good. Don't feel well." Sometimes she doesn't bother expressing her feelings, she just gets right to it, "You know I wanted to ream him a new one! You know she's such a b*tch!" You walk away feeling sorry you asked.

You may have got off the phone as fast as you could with a friend like this. You may have avoided others in the store. You have enough problems of your own, you don't think you can stomach someone else's drama.

I'm not mad at you or myself for doing this. Good days don't come often for many of us if we work in certain professions and that's all we hear on a regular basis is bad news, have to care for someone who is mentally ill, have health issues, and other things that others could not and would not attempt to understand.

So if today is your good day and you are fighting to stay away from negative people and situations, by all means do it! Don't feel guilty!

Nicholl McGuire
http://spiritualpoemsbynicholl.blogspot.com

Rainy Days, Snowy Days, Ill Days Can Be Terrible for Mothers

There is no one you can call to drop your children off when you are ill, when there are rainy and snowy days. The children may be suffering from a sudden health ailment and you are at home all day everyday alone with them.

What do mothers do in situations like these? It is very difficult for the mother who doesn't have the money to pay for a daycare or babysitter and has no family around her who can relieve her of her children. She may have tried everything known to man to keep her children entertained, but today is one of those days.

She walks out of her children's room, they start fighting. She sits them in front of the TV they start pushing buttons. She reads to them and they want more. She gives them their favorite foods and suddenly they end up on the floor! They cry over the slightest thing and she can't seem to quiet them fast enough to think!

It all seems so minute on the surface, typical motherhood issues, but couple them with PMS, menopause, a recent divorce or job loss mixed with bad weather, and this mother is on her way to a mental breakdown!

So many experts and people who claim they know or understand, don't. This is one of those situations where you will have to walk in her shoes. This is one of those times that your sister in Christ needs prayer and this is one of those times that it just might be you.

Whatever you do, when you feel like a mother who is headed for a nervous breakdown, remove yourself from the children even if it means you have to stand out in the rain. Take a time out somewhere in your home or call up a friend who has been there herself, but don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the energy that they give off. If you have headphones use them, a stereo system with surround sound crank it, and separate the children if you can. One upstairs, one downstairs. One in one room and one in the next. Give them their favorite toys then shut the door! Then get back to your task or get back to your cry whichever will bring you the most peace!

Nicholl McGuire

Get Angry at God - He Can Take it

At first I hesitated about putting the following article on this site due to the headline, but you know it's so true! Although we don't like to admit it sometimes, but alot of our anger shouldn't be directed at partners and children, but we should take our angry emotions to God. He understands. Please read the following of one woman's experience being angry at God.

In seeking a life guided by God, I have experienced the most profound understanding of God's love for me after venting raw emotions. Take for example last summer going into the fall.

I had to have some surgery done on an out-patient basis. Everything went well and I was feeling good by the fifth day until I received a phone call. It was my eighty-eight year old mother telling me that she had fallen and had broken her wrist. I wasn't supposed to drive and fortunately, my husband, Robert, was at a rare meeting in town as opposed to being sixty miles away on a typical work day. We picked her up and took her to the emergency room. More good news was that she had broken the left wrist and she is right handed. That would be the end of the good news.

Four weeks later I received a call that my brother had collapsed on the running trail and needed to have open-heart surgery. One week after that announcement, my mother called telling me that she fell and had broken the other wrist. (No wonder I hate answering the telephone at home!)

My mother is fortunate to be healthy and live on her own. But with two broken wrists, arrangements needed to be made to put her in a care facility until she could use her arms again. So, for weeks I shuffled back and forth, doing laundry, visiting her, sometimes taking her meals, and making sure she was getting the care she needed. During this time I was also trying to launch a business.

Thank goodness I had my constant companion of ten years, Duffy the Golden Retriever. After coming home from running all of the day's errands, I would be physically and mentally exhausted. Duffy would always burst through the door to greet me with tail wagging and full of adoring love and affection. He had gotten me through the most difficult times of my life and this was ranked up there as one of the worst.

My brother came through the surgery with flying colors. After repeated visits to the nursing home, I was more confident that Mom was being taken care of and she was doing as well as could be expected. Things were starting to look up - that is until Halloween.

From a weather standpoint, It was one of the most beautiful days ever. But at 11PM that night, Duffy got sick and wanted to go outside. He tried to throw up and couldn't. When he came in, he had doubled in size. I called the animal hospital emergency room and they told me to get him in right away - that his stomach had turned. Robert and I raced the five minutes to the hospital. I wasn't crying, I was wailing. We got Duffy comfortable and were given the options. We decided to do everything to save him which would mean surgery.

I was fortunate to see him. Duffy wasn't suffering anymore and he recognized me. I got to say good-bye. I knew in my heart that he wasn't going to pull through. The doctor said they would call us in a few hours.

At this time it was well past midnight. We drove home and I chose to wait out the time on the patio looking up at the stars. I was SO angry with God. I know that I pleaded for God to save him, but I knew given Duffy's age that it was probably hopeless. As the hours ticked on, I knew that too much time was going by without a phone call. I yelled. I screamed. I shouted. How could he take Duffy away from me now after all that I had been through? Why of all times now? I don't ever remember being so angry at God.

It was 4:00AM by the time the doctors called. They discovered that Duffy had cancer of the liver when they did the surgery. He was not responding well. We had to make the decision to put him to sleep.

After my anger with God, the next day I realized that God is a God of mercy. The situation and the alternatives became clear to me. Duffy had cancer. He had been slowing down on our walks and was starting to look old and thin. I could tell that something was wrong. With being ten years old, he was already within the standard 9-12 Golden life cycle. If he had lived, he would have suffered as the cancer would continue to take its toll. I would have never been able to watch him suffer.

That Halloween, Duffy had the perfect day. He spent the day doing what he loved the most - being with his family, walking and meeting people. When it's our time, we should all have such a perfect day.

I believe that God knows what is best for us. I also believe that God wants us to be real with him. That night on the patio, I was very real. These verses illustrate this well taken from Revelation 3:15 & 16:

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

Perhaps you are angry at God for something that has happened in your life. It's okay to be angry with God, he can take it.

Find out the The Secret to Successful Prayer by visiting http://www.guidedchristianmeditation.com and signing up for my FREE weekly Ezine, The Guided Life. You will receive a copy of The Secret to Successful Prayer along with cut #1 from my meditation CD, "Be Still and Know that I am God" - Feel free to use this article with the following credit - Author: Jackie Trottmann http://www.guidedchristianmeditation.com - Transform your life through prayer, meditation and contemplative writing.

About Foolish Partners

You may have been in a relationship with one of those foolish types (hopefully in the past and not in the present LOL.) Anyway, he is the type who supposedly knows more than you, makes more money and thinks that he can do what he wants when he wants without repercussions.

I was once in a relationship with not just one, but a few men like this. They think that because you are not the top earner in the household, you have no say so on how the household is run and how money should be spent.

A mother cries periodically on the outside after a heated argument, but cries often on the inside vowing that when she gets on her feet again, she will leave him in the dust.

What makes these men act so foolishly especially with money? Is it because they are trying to keep up with friends or is it far more deeper than that? Do they convince themselves that they can handle all the holes they have dug themselves into such as: "I will pay my friend back. I will invest one day. I will have enough money for a rainy day..." only to be ill-prepared when life throws these foolish men curve balls.

As women and mothers we must not lose the fight when we see our household is spiraling downward, we can no longer allow ourselves to trust that the men will do the right thing for family when they have proven over and over again that they don't care nor see the future as we see it. If it means that some of us have to get a job or two, remove ourselves from the home front with children in tote, get a babysitter, or make some investments privately then by all means, do it!

I use to discourage women and mothers from putting money aside secretly, but for many of you that is just what you will have to do, because as long as he knows everything you make, he will look to you to solve his foolish mistakes.

I know some women who actually share bank accounts with men who have repeatedly withdrawn money out of the shared account (without consulting with her) and left them not only with an empty gas tank, but overdraft fees. "It was the rent money!" She screams. "Don't worry about it! I'll pay it, I promise!" The foolish man says. The day comes and he is short of cash. Now the family has to suddenly move. The downtrodden mother brings her problem man with her and the cycle continues.

Take a stand if not for yourself women who are with foolish partners, but for your innocent children too! They shouldn't have to worry over not having milk for their cereal, shoes for their feet, and money for their lunches.

May 2010 be a year that some mothers and women will rid themselves of toxic partners!
Nicholl McGuire

About Domestic Violence Someone You Know May Be in Trouble

Awhile ago I wrote a disturbing article that helped some people. I thought about this article, because I felt that with the economy being the way that it is and people losing their jobs, there are many mothers crying because they have been hit, shoved, or choked yet again by an abusive mate. Please read and I pray it isn't you. But if you need assistance, there are resources on the site to help you with any kind of abuse from child to elderly abuse.

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

My Mother in Law is Destroying My Marriage - Tips and Advice That May Help

Recently, I've begun to receive a lot of emails about in laws (particularly mothers and sisters in law) who the writer perceives is "trying to destroy my marriage" or "trying to drive a wedge between my spouse and myself." Often, the writer (which is usually a woman) will tell me that the mother in law never liked her, has never accepted her, and will never pass up any opportunity to cause trouble or to make the husband chose sides or to stir up some issue that is going to create tension and drama.

This is a tough situation. Your husband did not choose his parents and, like it or not, he's stuck with them. I mean, you can certainly divorce your spouse and not be legally tied to them anymore, but your immediate family (and especially the woman who gave birth to you) is yours forever. Add that to the fact that many mothers will cling onto their adult sons as though he's as responsible to her as her own husband and there is most definitely a recipe for conflict there. I'll offer tips and advice on how to best handle this in the following article.

Always Try To See Things From Your Husband's Perspective: I know that I am asking a lot when I tell you this. It's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes when you are being attacked. However, it's so important to remember that your husband is the one who is caught in the middle. His mother will likely see any breaking away on his part as a betrayal. That's not to say that he does not have a responsibility to you - he does - and I will discuss that more below. But, you have to do your part as well. Before you make any requests of him, think about how you would want him to react if the roles were reversed. What if it was your mother who was creating tension and drama with him? Wouldn't you want for him to attempt to let this roll off his back rather than becoming angry with you and demanding that you put your own mother in her place?

Understanding What The Mother In Law Is Really Trying To Accomplish (And Not Letting Her Get It:) If you're right in your assumptions that your mother in law wants to break up your marriage, then what better way to fight fire with fire by ensuring that she doesn't get her wish? Don't play right into her hand. What she really doesn't want if for you to go about your business completely happy and unaffected by her games. So, this is just what you want to happen, of course. Your best defense against her is a happy husband who is oblivious to all this drama. If he's happy at home, then he isn't likely to listen to her criticisms or even to pay attention. This is your goal.

So, remain lighthearted when she's flinging her barbs. Act as though she is literally joking. You want to let her know that you really are laughing her off and that her attempts to hurt you are not only missing the mark, but are giving you something to be amused by. My aunt used to tell me to "kill with kindness." This is great advice in this situation. The meaner she gets, the more you should smile. This will annoy her more than anything. If you become angry and have a negative reaction, then she's won that hand. But if you smile and then dismiss her, this is going to make her very frustrated. And, if you keep up this game long enough, she just eventually might quit playing.

Creating A United Front With Compromise: Up until now, I've been asking you to do all the giving, but it's not asking too much to ask your husband to set some boundaries too. This doesn't mean that you should ever ask him to estrange himself from his mother. But, it's not unreasonable to ask him to set some limits. You are a family too now and you may want to spend some holidays alone or with your own family. You may not want to have to have Sunday dinner at her house each and every week. There is a happy medium in all of these situations. It's not fair to ask him to make drastic changes but there's nothing wrong with cutting back. This gives every one at least some of what they want.

Understand what your best case scenario is. I'm betting that you want for your own family to be a priority and to be happy. And, you probably want your husband to be happy without any unnecessary stress regarding your or his extended family. So, always keep this in mind and control what you can. In truth, you can not control how your mother in law or your in laws act or what they demand from him. But, what you can control is your reaction to it. You can control your own immediate family. So, strive to keep him as happy as home as you can and limit your negative contact with the in-laws as much as you feasibly can by setting limits.

At the end of the day, you have to remember that it's your job to safeguard your own happiness and well being. Because the wife and mother's mental health and piece of mind affects every one in the family. Don't let her (or them) get to you and affect your happiness. They want to whittle away at your family? Well, give them just the opposite. Make sure they know that your family is so strong and deeply connected that they are only wasting their time. Respect that your husband can not chose or force his family to behave. You can not control others. But, you can control yourself and your reactions to them. Always make sure that these reactions are in the best interest of your own family, not theirs.

Unfortunately for me, I played right into my mother in law's hand. I allowed her to make me angry and to take this out on my husband. In this way, she got exactly what she wanted and it placed a lot of stress on the marriage until we eventually separated. We eventually worked things out, but it was much more work (and much more painful) than it should have been. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

By Leslie Cane