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Presevering through the storms - book excerpt from When Mothers Cry by Nicholl McGuire

Storm clouds will always come in relationships, but it is up to all of us to prepare for the pending storm by taking care of self first. Where are your hat, raincoat, boots, and umbrella? If you are a Christian, where is your spiritual body armor? Did you leave them at home in the back of the closet or on a shelf collecting dust? This is what we do as mothers. We make sure everyone else has their protection but us! Meanwhile, we go into storms with our partner, children, and relatives without a covering. This may be why many mothers end up with children in the first place. They go into physical relationships without protection for their heart or vagina. I will be the first to admit that is how most of my children came about and when I did get protection for one of them it was ineffective!

We think we have to be strong for everyone, but when we are down whose holding us up? If you don't have a faith or something or someone to help you when you are down then you are in trouble.

Our relationships will always be tested. From in-laws to money woes, everyone needs a plan for when the trials and tribulations come. Some mothers who don't pray any other time or only pray for certain things like money and protection will holler, "Help! Pray for me church!"

In every past relationship, I have always asked my partner questions about situations before we entered them particularly where in-laws are involved. I want to know what to say or do beforehand so that I am not the one offending or coming home stressed about them too. In my experience, when it comes to men in relationships, I find that they can put on special glasses when it comes to family and friends making it hard for some of these momma's boys to see the truth...What is the truth you may ask? It could be a number of things from how an in-law "really" feels about you and the children to how they treat your side of the family. You may recall experiences where your partner's relative or friend said or done something to you or your children and you went to your partner expecting him to handle the matter, comfort you, and take up for you and the children, but instead he tried to convince you that what you saw "really" wasn't what you saw, what you heard wasn't "really" what they meant, or what they did. You argue your point you tell him the truth about the family member or friend and he acts as if he doesn't care about your feelings. There are many mothers that are weeping inside presently about this issue...

I don't understand why so many mothers who are prone to getting their feelings hurt by the same people at family gatherings will continue to attend them only to experience the same problems year after year?...

At some point you would think that a mother will see that the tensed environment she keeps taking her children into is not good for them. Eventually, your little toddler will become a teen and will ask, "Why do we go to these things Mom, because you know all you are going to do is get mad at everybody?"

By the time your child becomes a man or woman, he or she will have heard or saw so much negativity from you that he or she will most likely avoid the drama altogether. So don't bother to ask, "Why don't you ever come to the get-togethers?" If your son or daughter grows up not to be fearful of hurting your feelings, he or she will probably say (or may have already said,) "I don't enjoy being around certain family members and I am not going to force myself to like being around people that don't like you or me." If this is ever said or something similar, accept it coming from your son or daughter. Don't try to force them to go to a family event that they wouldn't enjoy no matter how important it means to you.

Sometimes sons and daughters can be great counselors for parents in crisis because they talk about issues that we, as parents, try to avoid. Maybe your son or daughter has a point. It would be wise to listen and respect their opinions.

Get the book wherever books are sold online and if you don't see this book, recommend it to the store.  Nicholl McGuire is also the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and other self improvement nonfiction books.

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10 Mistakes Parents Do that Spoil Their Adult Children

You may have witnessed your mother, father or a guardian do some things that were questionable in how they raised you or other siblings.  You may have vowed you wouldn’t do what they did with your own.  Yet, to be sure, you might want to use the following as a checklist on what you may or may not be doing to enhance your relationship with your teenagers and/or adult children.

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1 – Staying with your spouse for the sake of your children.  You know that you don’t want to be with your spouse anymore, but you stay because of the children.  This kind of thinking causes more harm than good.  The reason is you are not emotionally available to your children like you think.  You aren’t happy and everyone knows it.  Your anger outbursts, sadness, impatience, and other negative behaviors your children are experiencing.  Do yourself and everyone a big favor, put a genuine smile on your face for once and find a place that brings you peace and makes your children feel welcome.  In time, you and your spouse will agree it was the best decision for the both of you.

2 – Loving them more than you.  You didn’t receive the love from your spouse that you needed, so you yearn for that love from your children.  You expect them to call you everyday, take care of you, spend time with you, and some of you are actually doing some things that won’t be mentioned here, but you know what they are.  Stop.  Make up in your mind to stop seeking attention from your children.  They will never be able to give you the love that a spouse can give.  By behaving in these ways, you are hurting your children and eventually you will have to face the consequences of your actions.  If you ever wonder why some families have so many problems with their children and grandchildren it is usually because parents have a perverted way of expressing their love toward their children.

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3 – Lying for them.  When your children bring trouble to your doorstep, you find yourself lying to family, friends, and local authorities.  Then after you tell lies, they only get in trouble again.  Allow them to be accountable for their actions.  You will cry and so will they, because they will feel you weren’t there for them, but in the end they will be a better person if you just step aside.

4 – Giving them money whenever they need it.  This is just the start of a never-ending cycle that teaches them nothing more than to come to you every time they have a problem. However, what happens when you die?  Your children will have to face a society that will not care about them as much as you.  Don’t leave them in this world without survival skills.

5 – Finding ways to get them out of trouble.  Whether you ask family members for money, lie or steal to help your children, these tactics will not aid them in becoming productive citizens in society.  You may or may not know this but your family is talking about you and you may have ruined some relationships, because of your children.

6 – Making excuses for them when they fall short.  When people ask you about your children, you find yourself making up stories to make them and you look good, but the reality is you and your children have problems.  Eventually you will be found out and rather than telling the truth, you will want to blame others and use circumstances for why your children aren’t doing well.

7 – Allowing them to disrespect you.  They call you names, raise their voices, and do things that disrupt your life and you don’t stand up for yourself.  Remind yourself that you brought them into this world and you will not tolerate this type of behavior any longer.  If it means you have to distance yourself and take things away to gain your respect, then do it.

8 – Acting their age instead of your own age.  Parents aren’t cool talking the same way their children talk or dressing like them.  Sometimes you may be able to make a point with a few choice words, but avoid the temptation to stoop to their level.  You want your children to respect you, a good way of testing whether they do, is just listen to how they talk about you to their friends. 

9 – Using manipulative tactics to get what you want.  They may not know it now, but they will find out in time that you were using money, guilt, and other ways to get them to do what you want.  When they find out, it will be a challenge to win them over again.  Depending on what you did, they may never get over it and will treat you badly.  You are getting older, the last thing you want to do is make a child resent you when they may ultimately be the one who will have to care for you.

10 – Interfering in their relationships with others.  Your child comes to you with a relationship problem and you immediately tell them what to do without knowing all the facts.  You notice your child doesn’t spend as much time with you now that he or she is dating.  You find that your child is acting differently now that someone has come into his or her life.  Jealousy takes over and you do or say something to influence their relationship.  How will they become their own person?  They won’t when you are too busy trying to create a mini-version of yourself.  If you want them to be happy and have healthy relationships, let them solve their own dilemmas.  It will be a good test for you to see how well you raised them.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and When Mothers Cry