I Wouldn’t Hurt My Child, But You I Would: When Mom Needs Joy

There is a mother somewhere who is taking out her frustration on being a parent on others almost on a daily basis.  “I wouldn’t hurt my child…” so she says, but when it comes to everyone else, “But you, I would!”  Well that is an entirely different story.

Not happy with how her life turned out, a young mother cries for attention, affection, and a host of other things.  But the one thing she needs the most, she can’t get from men, women, children, and things.  “And what might that be,” you ask? Joy!  An overwhelming emotion that sticks around longer than happiness even when the baby is crying, her man is complaining, and other children and relatives have all kinds of issues, all that mother wants is some joy!  Oh sure peace is nice, but joy is contagious.

So how does she get some joy?  Joy doesn’t come overnight and you can’t get it by periodic church attendance or saying a quick prayer every now and then.   In my personal experience, I have felt the presence of joy come into my life and linger when I could wrap my mind around my purpose for living, coupled with a serious self-chat about my reactions to any and all people and things and then summed up to thoughts and study of my eternal destiny complete with our Creator while envisioning a future void of all my current responsibilities.  Sit back for a moment, re-read then ponder.  

It is an awesome thing to reach a point in your life where all these challenges you go through will pass.  You don’t doubt this concept, you don’t debate it, and you don’t whine about it—all issues will pass!  The child can’t scream his or her head off forever.  The man can’t be a grump forever.  Relatives and friends can’t have grudges, dramas, and more for always.  The storms in this life will pass away!  So what are you going to do in the meantime?  Act like the meanest, nastiest, evilest woman on this earth while acting like an angel with your child (as if he or she isn’t watching how you treat others).

For the woman, who appears to be okay with her personal life, but in a storm with everyone else, nothing passes away in her world.  There is always someone or something getting the best of her emotions if it isn’t her husband, it is the neighbor, the store clerk, even what she might call “The Man Upstairs!”   The photos of her deceased relatives, who she proudly displays throughout her home, look at her sometimes as if talking to her from the other side, “Get a grip!  You love your kid too much.  What’s going to happen when he/she goes away?  You still have to face the rest of society.  Keep acting the way you are and you will end up killing yourself or being killed!”
 

The ugliness of the past continues to haunt her every time she passes mom’s photo, dad’s, sister’s, brother’s (sigh).  She fights with herself and her partner over unresolved issues.  She never wanted to be responsible for the next generation, but she encourages herself by saying, “There is nothing I can do about my surprise/mistake/miracle/blessing, so I will just love this child anyway, but I don’t have to love everyone else!” 

 

The mother who hasn’t managed to be at peace with her motherhood role somehow warps what is supposed to be a half logical, half creative mind in such a way where she isn’t mad with self, child or sometimes even the man she has had the baby with, but society, her childhood, relatives, and others are to blame.  But none of these people were in the bed with her and her lover when she procreated, right?  Wrong!  The mother had brought all her baggage into her lovemaking session in the hopes that she would be free of all that was wrong with her, but to no avail.  For some, even the act of a sexual release when the child was created was sub par. 

 

Mom is often angry and it doesn’t take much to set her off.  “What now?  Who do you think you are?  I will hurt you about my family!” she yells at a stranger.  Does she even care about her family that much?

It all appears normal at first, her life.  Spending time with a mother with her misplaced anger issues eventually show up and show out!  Of course, we wouldn’t want her to take her frustrations out on her family, but she shouldn’t get so upset with others because she has yet to recognize what is really bothering her about her role. 

Maybe there are some unfulfilled dreams and this mother’s current responsibilities are keeping her from achieving them.  Could she also be fighting a situation that is a no-win battle with herself or a partner, but is too busy or too fearful to deal with the issues? 

Whatever her problem, the rest of the world has very little time, patience, or even love to put up with this kind of mother who loves her baby, but hates everyone else.  So when she acts irate, irrational, or carries other negative emotions, the world will deal with her in such a way that she has no choice but to face her personal demons or die.  Yes, it is just that simple.  Face the ugly truth about one’s choices in this life and how you intend to obtain that unspeakable joy.  “I wasn’t ready for this baby or this man!  I need an escape!  Help me Lord!” are issues that must be dealt with spiritually above everything else.

The minute a bitter mother with misplaced anger issues sees the light, she will then find the freedom that she needs to grow and go wherever her personal Savior is instructing her.  Will there be judgmental, mean-spirited, ignorant people along the way as she embarks on her journey toward joy? Of course.  It is then that her anger will be justified and in its proper place.

Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry and creator of hub entitled, "How to Be Nice to Rude People"

Be Wise This Holiday Season When Dealing with Family

Protective mothers are alert when it comes to everything from what to buy their children to where they go for the holidays.  They don’t play with the devil, so to speak, during this time of the year—and you know he is out and about!

There comes a point when a mother just has to say, “No!”  And that no will be met with objection by someone in or out of the family circle.  “What do you mean?”  The challenger will ask.  We, mothers, don’t have to give a five minute explanation on why we will not go along with something.

Older wise, spiritual women know some things about life that many younger women don’t know and one thing in particular is when to keep quiet.   

When all the family are gathered around making noise, running their mouths a mile a minute, a humble grandmother sits back and watches the movie play out.  She has seen much in her life.  She has been a part of debates, tended to baby’s cries, dealt with a wayward spouse, and fought for her rights to say and do certain things—so she knows to observe and pray.  But a loud mouth, argumentative, silly woman refuses wisdom.  She is too busy fighting for the right to speak her mind, decorate herself this way and that way, what she wants, where she goes, etc. Meanwhile standing there before an audience of family and friends, thinking to herself, “I mustn’t be made a fool of…these are my kids, my house, my body, my food, my opinion…”  But she already looks like a fool when she feels she has to defend herself and family over every little thing!  “So sensitive, so immature….I remember when I use to be like that.” The older woman sits back and prays.

Don’t embarrass yourself this holiday season and definitely don’t ignore wise counsel especially when it comes to raising your children.  A woman or man who has been where you are, sees right through an immature mother’s foolishness when it comes to covering for her husband, defending her children, lying about how much she paid for something, and how she truly feels about her relationship, motherhood role, and other things.

Make a stand only if you believe that God is moving you to say something that will free people from their issues, build them up, and draw them near to Him; otherwise, give the immature, unbelievers, the haters, the crazies, and the drunks a pass and get yourself and your family out of tense environments before you are the one who the older woman just sits back and shakes her head.

To God be the glory this holiday season.

Nicholl

Showing Off in Front of the Family

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like my children or my mate showing off in front of people I know or don’t know for that matter.  Yet, sometimes while we are out on trips and around family over the years, there would be some showing off.  If the man isn’t making small talk that comes off as being flirtatious while checking out a female here and there (this has happened when most men in and out of my life) or the children aren’t crying as if someone beat them, folks are showing off.  When this sort of thing happens, I don’t always bite my tongue and I also have been known to show off myself.  “That guy looks handsome…hmm let me see what he has to say…well the children want to cry, I know how to disappear and pretend like I have no children,” I think.  But there has been a price to pay over the years for doing such things.  Two wrongs don’t make it right.

Those other personalities seem to come out of nowhere when in the public eye and I am left puzzled, angered, and ready to show off myself!  “What the…?  Who the?”  I don’t like when partners disrespect their spouses in front of people and I have had to exercise some self-control when I witness such behavior sometimes.  A bossy husband stands before me and tells his wife, “Oh honey…shut up!  She can be a real pain, you know!”  Meanwhile, the wife just looks at her husband as if to say, “Wait until we get home!”  Showing off will cost you your marriage.  I have seen women get smart mouth with their husbands in front of relatives as if someone is going to jump in and say, “Yea, tell him off!”  Save that drama for one’s home!  It’s not cute, funny, and it doesn’t make one look like you have your family under control.  Rather, it makes some look wicked (I could say something else here) when they are talking down to their husbands.

Children can be a real problem during their showing off times too.  They will start doing things that they never do or say at home.  I have seen a side to my children that I didn’t know existed at the wrong times.  It seems that family gatherings, church events, weddings, funerals, and other similar settings brings out the worse in some children.  From screaming to running around like fools, children pick up on their parents’ tension and anyone else around them who is a ball of energy. 

Most times I don’t like being around adult kid show off types because they know how to bring out the hyperactivity in children and then when they can’t keep up with all of the excitement, they disappear and leave the wild children to the parents to discipline.  I have learned over the years, keep the children away from certain settings and relatives—it’s just not worth the drive home, the preparation for bed, and everything else in between.

When a partner and children are showing off it is nothing more than a mere distraction to keep many mothers from doing what they have either set their minds to do or promised others they would do.  Everything is going as planned and then suddenly the partner wants to say something he has no business saying in front of the family.  I can’t tell you how many times over the course of my life that fiancees, and boyfriends have been guilty of this!  No one asked them for their opinion or a story about me, but those typically quiet guys are going to say something whether in front of you or behind your back.  What my former partners didn’t realize is that their silly statements, criticisms, or off-base sense of humor would just give my family just one more reason to call that one, “A loser…What’s up with him? Boring.  Why do you pick these guys?  That one is an idiot!”  All the showing off for what?  Only to be talked about in the end.

So for those of you who will be headed to a relative’s home this holiday season, give your family the pep talk and the consequences before leaving if you have seen a pattern of irresponsible and disrespectful sort of behavior in your presence.  And if you just don’t feel like putting up with the foolishness this year, sit this one out.  Most likely, someone in the family is hoping you don’t bring the show offs with you.   

Nicholl McGuire is author of When Mothers Cry and Know Your Enemy the Christian's Critic.

Calling a Truce in Mother-Daughter Conflict | Bonds by Elizabeth Bernstein - WSJ.com

Do you have a mother who always has something negative to say about what you do, what you look like, who you talk to, how you parent, etc.?  You might want to read this:

Calling a Truce in Mother-Daughter Conflict | Bonds by Elizabeth Bernstein - WSJ.com

Do Your Children Play Video Games Too Much?

With so much going on this season, you and I know that the older children are going to want video games, but did they earn them (ie.) good grades, acting respectful, participating in household duties, etc.  If not, just know, you aren't a bad parent for saying, "Don't think about asking me for any video games."  Learn more about my experience and what I learned when my son's grades started failing.

Play Video Games Too Much