Motherhood Peaks and Valleys: What are yours?

There are the perceptions that others have of the kind of mother you are, who you should be, or the mother you once were.  Others' ideas influence the way we view ourselves.  Whether we receive positive or negative reviews from so-called well-meaning family and friends, we try to do the things that not only help our reputation as mothers, but also appease others.  When we find ourselves more concerned about what other people think; rather than what our Creator thinks, we get ourselves into trouble!  Physical issues surface, mental anguish is experienced and those around us are negatively impacted ie.) anger outbursts and forgetfulness.  These moments are considered our valleys--down moments.  The places in our motherhood journey where we feel at an all-time low. 

Our culture tends to esteem mothers, make them feel as if the weight of the world is upon their shoulders, because we are supposed to be so strong, wise, and loving.  Mother is to talk, walk and act in a certain way when it comes to parenting.  In some circles, she isn't provided with real support despite an individual or group claiming to support her.  Sometimes she is in a valley moment all by herself!  Her own mother doesn't have a good listening ear, because she is most likely in a valley moment by herself--sometimes comparing her own experiences to her daughters.  Too overwhelmed, nervous, or fearful to offer any sound advice, these older mothers don't have much to share when it comes to stories of victory. In addition, there is the partner or best friend who is often busy doing other things to even notice that mom is struggling these days with being a parent.

Valley moments happen, but in order to overcome them you must constantly remind yourself, "This too shall pass," as mentioned in the Holy Bible.  Redirect your focus and come up higher.  Find the path that will lead you out of your valley moment.  Stay in the valley too long and the storms of life might overtake you!  A mother is no good to her family in a hospital bed!  Once we arrive at those mountain peaks (up moments) in our motherhood journey, it is time to break for rest.  Some of us, don't allow ourselves to do that and so back down the valley we go.  Angry, hurt, confused, bitter, jealous, or some other emotion we experience, because other mothers "appear" like they are doing much better than us.  We deceive ourselves into thinking that we have had enough quiet time or peace after a valley moment.  Some of us prematurely arrive to a peak, then end up falling back down into the valley.

Appreciate those "up" moments when no one is calling to go out, no one is in need of you, and no one is interrupting you while going here and there with unnecessary chatter.  The world has tricked us into believing that a busy mother is a blessed one; rather a busy mother is a stressed one!  She is usually juggling too many things!  She may have a bank account filled with money and friends on speed dial, but is this really what reaching the top of one's motherhood journey really supposed to look like?  That is the world's definition of success which doesn't help us after this life is over. 

God blesses us with peaks in our motherhood journey that release us of our burdens not add to them.  Sometimes we confuse what we initiate when it comes to career, family, events and more with God's plan.  He doesn't tell us to be all we can be to everyone--to busy ourselves every part of the day.  God doesn't put anymore on us than we can bear!  To truly experience those peaks in one's motherhood journey, she must sit back, relax and tune into God.  Ask what might you need to do to experience more mountain peaks and less valley moments.

Reflect on those valleys God brought you out of, you know those times when you thought you were going to run away from the children, but didn't.  Those moments when you thought you were a bad parent, but you knew you really weren't.  You came up higher, didn't you?  Some of you have dropped some of those people and activities in your lives that were leaving you frazzled, frequently upset, and burdened financially, now you are enjoying many more positive moments in motherhood. 

Appreciate your peaks and valleys, moms!  Learn from them, then help a mother who may be struggling to walk with her head held high.

Nicholl McGuire

Check Yourself, Before You Wreck Yourself!

Back when I was a teen, there was a rapper I heard say, "Check yourself, before you wreck yourself."  The comment was a warning to those who were into drug use.  But these days, I thought about this comment when it comes to that chatter in our heads.  You know those negative thoughts that come and go throughout the day?

From a minor irritation to a major dispute with someone, inside our minds there is something going on that isn't always so positive.  We may replay an issue, talk about what we should have, could have said, or we make a mental note to share our concern with others (being certain to include why we were right and the other person was wrong.)

Sometimes it doesn't have to be a negative situation that stimulates negative thinking in our minds.  We could actually just be in some other world, so to speak, due to hormonal issues or influences around us that trigger certain emotions ie.) watching TV, listening to music or surfing the Internet.

Whatever our thought processes for the day might conjure up, we may want to check them, before we end up doing or saying something that might hurt someone we care about.

I came across an interesting blog by a stay-at-home mother of two who posted a thought-provoking entry about that chatter in our heads and offers her own personal experience.

Read more here.

6 Things that Most Parents Go Through When it Comes to Children...

Sometimes we are battling with so many things at home that we forget the difference between normal and abnormal.  I can tell you, from personal experience, some things that are normal parenting stuff. 

1.  Children will irritate you and there will be those moments where you feel like you are going to lose it.  What's normal is yelling, putting Johnny in his room or in a corner is also typical, and even spanking is common in many circles.  Some parents will feed "the problem" hoping that Suzie will shut up.  Other parents will buy whatever whenever hoping that the child will calm down enough so that they can catch a breath.  However, doing any of these things and others all the time--uh oh, you better hope you aren't creating a menace and worse no one calls the police on you!

2.  Sickness can't be avoided and some children are sicker than most.  But running your child to the hospital often?  Not normal.  You have to ask yourself, "Am I doing my job?  Is the hospital staff doing theirs?"

3.  Energetic children is all too common.  They jump, bounce, yell, make weird noises, have imaginary friends, and want to do odd stuff like smell stuff and dig for things.  Okay, acceptable.  But when these things are always happening all too frequently.  Someone is out of control.  It's either you, your child or both.

4.  Children lie.  I know parents don't want to believe it, but it happens.  They may lie or maybe forget.  Children may also say something, but leave out the details.  All normal.  But when they are doing this sort of thing all the time, you have to ask, "Who or what are they covering?"  Then again maybe there is some mental things going on, like a brain that is still developing for starters.  Watch closely and don't ever take every word as truth, if so, you will be sorry.

5.  Accidents.  From drink spills to pee-pee in the bed, this kind of stuff when it comes to raising children happens.  But, if everytime you look up this is going on, it's time to remedy this behavior as best you can.  Buy a Wet-Alert, this is a device that helps you help them keep the urine out of the bed over time.  If your child is constantly spilling something, don't give he or she much to drink and get a spill-free cup.  You might also want to consider where you are leaving your own drinks too.  Now let's say, accidents aren't this simple and they are the kind that you're ready to rip your child a new one!  Once again, responsibility falls on you.  The law doesn't want to hear how you repeatedly told your child not to play with lighters, even though you left your lighter sitting on the table, and the whole house burned down!

6.  They say and do things that would make you go, "What!?"  You aren't really a parent if those moments don't happen sometimes.  I know you thought you knew your son or daughter well.  I know you thought he or she would never, "Oh no, my child comes from a good home, she would never..."  But, they will and it won't be the only time either if you don't make a lasting memory that says, "If you ever do that $%^#& stuff again, I will %^$#& you!  Capice?"  Remember you were once a child, you may have not done the same thing, but you did something that left your parents scratching their heads.

So I hope this blog post makes you feel at ease.  Your child is normal.  But, if you see a pattern of behavior starting to develop, that doesn't look like the rest of the children, you have to ask yourself, "What did I bring into this world?  Now what help do they have out here to help my child?"  Don't look the other way or ignore the problem, do something now before the whole world knows, "Something is definitely wrong with that kid."

Nicholl McGuire
Author When Mothers Cry

Do You Consider Yourself to Be a Good Stepmom?

Some mothers just don't know what they are getting themselves into when they remarry someone else who also has children.  Most stepmoms really try hard to be the best they can in their roles, while others are ready to jump ship.  One woman who gave her stepmom a hard time, writes about how what she thought was a wicked stepmother turned out not to be after all.  Read more here.

Walking on Egg Shells When It Comes to Parenting Your Children the Right Way

Some of you reading this probably have some idea where I am going with this blog entry simply by reading the title.  I want moms everywhere to know that I can relate when you are trying to raise your children the right way and it seems every time you take two steps forward, there is someone in your circle who intentionally or absentmindedly puts your children two steps back by doing and/or saying foolish things when it comes to parenting them.

Now you may live with this person or there is a caretaker that makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells whenever you say something about your children to them.  Whether you say something in a polite way, angrily, or quietly, you can pretty much bet that this person is going to defend his or her actions, eye-roll, sigh, get quiet, ignore you, or point out your flaws, because they don't like you telling them what to do.  They don't like you stating what is best for your child, because they didn't come up with the idea, they may have not liked a certain thing when they were a child or whatever the reason maybe.

You say to yourself, "What have I got myself into?  Why did I allow this person to come into my life in the first place?  What was I thinking?"  You pray that God will protect your child from the foolishness of this person in the meantime while hoping for a better way to resolve your issues. 

Some people just don't get it.  You can tell them, "Please don't let the children do..." and they will go ahead and let the children do out of spite.  You think, "Who thinks like that?  What kind of person is this?" 

We all know you can't allow a child to partake in things that are reserved for adults.  I remember getting into a bad argument with someone about letting my children listen to a popular radio shock jock on their way to school.  He really got upset because this was one of a few ridiculous things he was doing.  So like a child he complained, "I always have to give up something!"

Any well-meaningful parent knows you can't raise a child without some kind of schedule.  And you definitely can't allow children to dictate what is best for them on a regular basis.  If this is the case, then we would have children running a muck just about everywhere.  What child wants to go to bed, take a bath, and refrain from eating sweets and desserts all day?  Yet, those parents and care-takers who felt deprived as children grow up to be boy men and girl women who want to give everything they never got to their children.  If only they would step back and see that all they are creating are little monsters, children who will one day expect the world to do what they want and if they don't, they will attempt to shake up society with their screams, yells and threats.  Unfortunately, there are jails around the world full of people with this kind of mindset.  Do fools really know what's best for children?  I think not.  That is why God made wise mothers, but some just don't use their common sense.  When this happens, we must find people, services and tools to help us with our parenting when we, us or they are doing a poor job!  We can't just sit by and be quiet on everything when it comes to parenting our children.  Yes, sometimes you won't want to say anything to that person with the ego handling your children, because you aren't in the mood to fight World War III, but there will be those moments that you ought to get in there, mom and fight the good fight for the best interest of your children!  If you were in court, the judge would make that choice for you, now wouldn't he or she?

We all have walked on egg shells around people who we thought were at first doing the right thing by our children, but then we later learned that they were really not doing all they could do because they lacked some parenting skills.  Some of you have years experience working with children while your partner doesn't.  So it would make sense that the inexperienced would be listening to the experienced, right?  However, that poor ego gets in the way of the fool, doesn't it?  The voice in his or her head says, "Oh she thinks she knows so much because...I won't listen to her.  I will just do things my way.  She thinks she is so right about everything anyway!"  It's unfortunate but that ego has cost many men and women their jobs, families, and more because it refused to reach a compromise.  On the other hand, when we don't consider one's ideas, we can also make our jobs harder than they ought to be. 

If you are one of those moms living in a home where you feel like your words are falling on deaf ears, the key is not to stop talking to this person who makes you feel like you are walking on egg shells; rather keep talking and do provide examples as to why the current way of doing things when it comes to parenting the children just isn't working.  You would then start implementing your own tactics.  Point out the successes. 

Sometimes the only way you can get through to someone is to allow them to fail.

Of course, there is an appropriate time for everything, so when you want to do something different you can always try your own strategies when you are alone with the children.  When you are teaching your children right from wrong, do not be bullied, shamed, or made to feel guilty when someone or a group doesn't like a certain parenting tactic you are using.  If it has been proven by experts and others, you know it has worked in the past, and it doesn't cause any harm or mental problems for the child, then you have to wonder why a partner or caretaker would give you so much flack about it?  Some one's ego must be put in check!  There may be some underlying issues going on with that person. 

As mentioned previously, there are those parents that have felt deprived as children by parents who were too busy, too angry, too upset, too drunk, too whatever to give them a nice life.  Therefore, these people grow up to be men with little boy needs and women with little girl needs--you know boy men and girl women.  They believe if they give children everything they want they will be okay.  But as we know, there are many people who once had everything, have nothing now.  Why?  Because they never learned how to appreciate and manage what they already have.  We are doing our children a disservice giving them everything they want!  If we left it up to children to raise themselves, they would never take a bath, brush their teeth, do their homework, stay up all hours of the night, go wherever, do whatever, and eat unhealthy. 

So to those moms out there who are currently living with someone who doesn't appreciate your efforts, criticizes your parenting skills (whether to your face or behind your back,) do what's right for your children anyway.  Continue to take up time with them.  Keep talking to your sons and daughters about the things that will make them good citizens later in life.  Surround yourself and children around like-minded positive people.  Limit the time they watch TV, play video games, surf the Internet, and do other things by giving them alternative tasks that benefit the whole household.  How can that one you live with or those others who care for your children complain when you are raising your children to be useful not only to yourself but others?

Eventually, that egotistical person or that "I think I know-it-all" caretaker who is helping you parent your children, will have to do one of two things, walk right or walk out!  Their choice.  Meanwhile, you just have a back-up plan. 

Nicholl McGuire

Read more by me at a blog entitled,  Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate