Worry

As mothers we worried about everything from where our sons and daughters are to how soon will we see them again. When we find ourselves thinking about everything that could go wrong with our children while they are way from us, we ought to also think about everything that could go right!

Most often worry can be defeated by changing thoughts.

Nicholl McGuire
http://organizerhome.blogspot.com

Feeling Loved and Accepted

Sometimes mothers think that the only way they can get married or find someone new is to make the man feel obligated to them by having more children. If you were to step outside of your mind and become the man for a moment looking at you, what he would see is a frazzled woman, cooking, cleaning, hair undone, no makeup, and caring for children, I can almost bet you that’s not what he really had in mind. Instead, he sees the beautiful woman he first met complete with hair done, nails polished, waxed, trimmed, and perfected in the image of whatever he fantasized.

One way we can feel loved and accepted not just by a man but ourselves too, is to model positive, strikingly beautiful women inside and out while maintaining the personality that caused him to fall in love with us. When you feel good about yourself, the world will indeed take notice with comments like, “You look nice today, your hair is pretty, where are you going…can I come?”

Nicholl McGuire
http://tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com

A Simple Tip to Keep the Children & Teens Busy on Weekends

I don't know about you, but I don't like to see my children waste a weekend playing video games all day! So what I do is make plans for them on weekends especially when the weather is not good. The first thing I do is get the notebook and pen out and I create a time chart based on their waking hours usually I make it neat enough to hang up or I write notes on a dry erase board that in the past I hung up in their room before we relocated. Basically it looks something like this... I include action photos, stick figures and stickers for the little ones who can't read. 

 8:00 - Wash face, brush teeth, and put your clothes on. 

 9:00 - Watch television, computer time, or play video games using ear phones. 

 

10:00 - Breakfast 

11:00 - For older ones read a book, complete homework, or do practice math and reading worksheets. The younger ones: color, toys, stack blocks, or other age appropriate activity. 

12 noon - nap time for the little ones and "do nothing" time for the tweens. During this time I encourage the older ones to reflect on their day, the past, present and future. 

Since I am a praying mother, I encourage them to use this time to talk to God quietly in their minds. Its like a form of meditation and it works when they are lying down on their beds usually they will go to sleep too. The remaining part of the day is usually planned out as well. Sometimes we deviate from the schedule because we may have errands to run and places to go. I provide enough time between activities and projects for them to complete them during the evening since the day begins to slow down for me, but pick back up for them since they are energized. 

I encourage any parent to relax while the household is quiet. Rather than participating in physical activities that will only leave you tired and irritable and not recharged to deal with the children during the second half of the day, do those tasks (like exercising) while they are awake. Get them involved. 

Let the older ones do chores and use an incentive program for their assistance such as: pizza, money, or a new toy, game or article of clothing they really like. I noticed that with a well-planned weekend, the children's behavior was much better and I didn't have to discipline as much. After awhile they get used to your plan and they just start doing things without your asking. 

My eldest son (who stays with his dad but comes during school breaks) doesn't have to be told anything. He use to come over and look at his schedule, now he just does things automatically including dusting! Hope this works for you! Nicholl McGuire http://www.twitter.com/motherhoodtips

How to Get Along With Your Mother-in-Law

'As If and if only' (As if - is for the possibility of getting along with her. If only - is, there have been innumerable suggestions given on perfecting the balancing act and yet there is need for more...). That's a 'big IF', mind you on both counts. World over if at all there is unity among women it is about 'the m-in-law' factor. It is the bane of every woman who sees her macho male go putty in his mommy's hands much to our dismay. For the mother (in law) it is her ultimate achievement, her crowning glory to be in control of her son. She knows to push his buttons and that necessarily need not be in favor to you. So how to win over this matron (some would call her the wicked witch! I wouldn't go that far, because I too have a son!)

First and foremost, don't get into the marriage with any preconceived notions. Bias is very often the culprit for souring relationships. Keep an open mind.

When talking to your m-i-l dear, approach her with kindness. Empathy goes a long way in softening even the strongest of hearts. After all, she too has been a d-i-l once. Having said that, this does not mean you are a door mat. You need to look after your self esteem too.

In case of a tug of war (especially one of word clash) - being silent is your biggest weapon. By keeping quiet you are not weak rather you are smart, people savvy. By not saying anything you are giving less fodder for her verbal duel. It takes two hands to clap. So keep mum. I know the provocation would be too much to resist. You might be goaded to retaliate. Don't do it. Clamp your lips. Clench your teeth. As a last resort, bite your tongue. Do whatever it takes to keep your mouth shut.

Trust me this will go a long way in maintaining peace at home. After all, how much can one person talk without a reaction?

By ignoring her tirade you are reinforcing the message that you are unperturbed by her ramblings. Carry on with your work as usual. Jain saint Mahavira once said, 'Tolerance is the best form of punishment.' That's philosophy. On a more practical note ignorance works better to make people toe the line, especially if their behavior is unwarranted.

Nobody likes to be slighted. The need to belong and be cherished is the latent need of all relationships. So, make an effort to be amicable to your m-i-l. After all she is your hubby's mom. For you to like him, she must have done something right.

Credit her with good upbringing if not for anything else. Every body loves a compliment. Make your m-i-l's day by praising her skills. Keep the flattery as close to truth as possible. Anything too sugary can be seen outright as lying and seen suspiciously.

If not for anything your m-i-l has seen more in life than you have done. Accept her point of view but you don't have to follow it. It's all about how you say the words. Be polite yet resolute. Be kind yet firm.

This is your life and how you live it is your prerogative. But, if there is something that can enhance the quality of life through her suggestion take it. It's for your betterment. That she might say it for the welfare of her son is secondary. By being married to her boy you are also entitled to benefit from it.

Admit it your husband is the apple of his mom's eye. I know sometimes it does get overboard and can become your eyesore. But look on the positive side, by getting your m-i-l on your side you not only have harmony but also approval from your husband.

That his wife is getting along with his mother could actually grease the wheels of domestic life and make it more enriching and rewarding.

If you are living separately and only visiting your in-laws - hurray you don't have the hassle of 'm-i-l syndrome' on daily basis except for the weekly rituals. The cardinal rule would be to go along with your husband and play the role of the dutiful daughter in law. By visiting them despite you knowing they are ignoring you and they knowing that you know it too... you will win their grudging admiration in the long run. Even if they don't shout it off the rooftops, there will be silent acknowledgement of your efforts to be included into the family fold.

You need not famously get along with your m-i-l, at least try to have a working relationship for the sake of your husband; more importantly, for the sake of your children.

Children have these antennae to pick out 'stress signals'. Their uncanny ability to radar out strains in the relationship can be detrimental not only for their emotional well being but also hamper their bonding your m-i-l (their grandma).

The Freudian theory is that the wife and the mother are in love with the same man. It is a kind of triangular love relationship, hence there is bound to be this constant power struggle as to who has an upper hand with the guy. The tussle has nothing to do with rationale and everything to do with emotions. It is this striving for one 'upmanship' that is the root cause for the m-i-l to be called monster in law (see the movie of the same name * ing Jane Fond and Jennifer Lopez). You'll understand what I'm talking about.

But at the end of the day, both of you love the same guy. So learn to call a truce if not able to make peace with your m-i-l. This will absolve you of later regrets and future guilt. By learning to forgive the past misgivings you not only heal faster inside but will also be able to move forward positively in your relationship with your husband. That is what marriage is all about - forgiving and moving forward as a team.

By Sandya Dev

When the Children Get in The Way

No one wants to place blame on the cute little kid with dark brown eyes who stares back at you and says, "Give me a kiss!" We don't like to think that we can actually get tired of the spoiled brat. Some of us parents rather blame everyone else, but the child for feelings of burnout.

"If it wasn't for my husband's snoring maybe I could rest at night!" That could be true, but also think of the child who is whining in his sleep while tossing and turning in between the middle of you two as well. Could he have something to do with your lack of sleep too? Some parents insist on keeping a child in the same room and even the same bed way past their age. There actually is an age limit that you should keep a child in the bed with you, it expired when they were a few months old.

"If it wasn't for her always nagging me, maybe I could have some peace!" That could be true too, but have you considered the fact that your children are nagging you far more than your wife could ever? Couples often have problems, because they allow the children to be apart of everything! From the adult conversation going on in the bedroom while their son or daughter darts back and forth between rooms to allowing them to shower with mom or dad. Then when there is free time between the two, one or both is off doing whatever they wish never bothering to spend much time with one another.

Sometimes we like to place blame on everyone and everything, but never on the children. Why? Because they are innocent, little, and retarded (LOL) in their own way. They don't know any better. So how could these little people contribute to our world in any sort of negative way? Well they can! From the unexpected poop accident while talking with your spouse about something important to the fighting between siblings in the next room while talking on the phone, these incidents no matter big or small, can contribute to a bad day and can also be emotionally draining.

As parents, especially new ones, we must strongly consider is the negativity that is happening in our lives right now have something to do with the children; and what are we doing or not doing in our parenting, maintaining household and/or employment that is contributing to all the drama?

We have a choice: either see the reality of child rearing and how it affects us mentally and physically or the fantasy of child rearing where everything is so right with our children that they could never lie, manipulate or be angry at us or us with them. Some of us parents like living in fantasy world and tend to place blame on others for shattering it. There is a word that describes people like this narcissistic (please do look it up.) Parents must come up with solutions to make our stay with our little angels (NOT) a little more tolerable and placing blame or criticizing the other parent, relatives, daycare workers, and/or teachers doesn't help matters.

One thing some parents who live on Fantasy Island should do is admit the truth and stop sugarcoating the things that bother them concerning their children. As I'm writing I am thinking of those A.A. groups that some family members use to tell me about where someone would stand up and admit that they were an alcoholic. Well the first step to recovery for some of these self-righteous, narcissistic type of parents is to admit, "I am not perfect. I am responsible for my children. I will not place blame on others for my mistakes with them. I will not place blame on others because I can't seem to get my relationship with my partner right."

So the same can be done when a parent is obviously on his or her last nerve just admit, "The yelling is getting on my nerves!" Admitting this doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you an honest one! Maybe that is another problem too many parents are big liars! They don't want to tell the truth even if it hurts! My question to you is, so what are you going to do about the child who is turning your household upside down? Some parents would argue with their partner and make them the bad guy or gal for wanting the children to calm down, be quiet, put their toys away, clean up a mess, stop playing video games all day, etc.

Another thing is admit "I am doing a poor job parenting these kids!" There are days that we will not always be on top of our game, so why try to hide your flaws by playing the blame game? If the children are having temper tantrums not only at home, but embarrassing you in stores and parking lots then you are doing something wrong!

Lastly, admit "I have allowed my life to center around my children leaving no room for intimacy, travel, friends, shopping, even a few dollars to buy a magazine!" That's right! So if you can't do any of the things you once enjoyed, is it your partner's fault, your mother's fault for not wanting to watch your bratty kids, or anyone else's? We are responsible for our own destiny! If you don't like what is happening on the home front, start doing a better job caring for your children, disciplining them, getting organized, finding ways to obtain more money so you can get someone to watch them, and whatever else you need to do.

Just remember there are more people to love besides the children. Eventually your partner or relative will grow weary of the blame game and you and the kids will be left alone. Then you will start looking for a replacement -- someone who will be a mother or father to your children. Good luck! The next person won't want to be responsible for unruly children nor would he or she enjoy the company of someone who enjoys blaming everyone else concerning their children.

By Nicholl McGuire
http://www.twitter.com/motherhoodtips